success ☼ Nadia: There is hope!

[Jemima]

Thank you for your encouraging post, and may things get better and better for you!

[Nadia]

Thanks Basil and Jemima! I hope you guys are seeing improvements as well. When I'm in the middle of a bad spell, it's hard to see the forest for the trees. I can become consumed in the moment and get really down (my old issues with depression add to this as well). I also realize how quickly things can degrade, for no apparent reason. I have had two bad nights of sleep, for example, and am ready to throw in the towel (you get used to feeling better fast)!

 

But then I look back at my journal (which I started up again to keep track of my menstrual cycles for getting pregnant), and WOW! I had a full 6 days of good sleep in a row (meaning six to seven solid hours and then being able to go back to sleep for about another hour and a half, and feeling rested)! And that was in a period of really high stress. I think that breaks a record for me.

 

What it all adds up to is that I feel myself becoming more resilient to stress. I've also noticed recently that I can take more supplements. I have been taking l-arginine and have been able to take it more days in a row without it going paradoxical. So I think my nervous system is finally repairing itself.

 

May we all be free of this some day, fully healed, and ready to tackle lifes usual and normal challenges.

[Petunia]

Thank you Nadia, for coming back with an update and for your comment in the Seriphos thread.

 

I just read your entire thread, thank you for detailing your difficult journey, you have been through a lot, I'm in awe of your strength and determination.  You describe the symptoms and thought processes that go along with this perfectly, which for me, provided some much needed conformation that most of what I'm going through is in fact withdrawal related.

 

I relate very closely to your struggle to try and find understanding, control and faster healing through your own attempts at manipulating various factors.  After reading through your thread, I also came to the conclusion that the only real solution is time and keeping stress to as manageable a level, as much as life allows.

 

Wishing you continued healing

[omgwtf]

Hi Nadia,

I read mostly from the beginning of this series of posts, and just wanted to tell you my similar feelings.  I had been taking ad's for a similar time period, quit, and then had severe withdrawals months after.  I went back on, and then decided that maybe I needed to have a child before it was too late, maybe this was an answer to my empty life.  But like yourself I was very indecisive and needed to consult others about it.  Ultimately no one could tell me not to or that I should, it had to be my decision.  I wasn't sure about my relationship.  The doctors told me it was okay to be on ad's while pregnant so I decided to try, thinking it was maybe too late anyways.  After some miscarriages I was finally pregnant at 40.  I then weaned off effexor, slowly, but still too quickly, and had the baby.  I had a very difficult birth and couldn't walk much for a couple months, the doc told me stay in bed.  Winter was approaching.  I started getting depression for awhile, then severe anxiety waves and had to get back on the drug about 2 mo's after the baby was born.  I agonized over the decision to quit breastfeeding, as I would start the drugs again.  Finally after consulting many people I continue to feed her on the medication.  Having lived through that, having a newborn while being sick like that, I guess I would tell someone that of course it would be ideal to get off the drugs to have a baby, but also it would be important to have some plans, for when / if postpartum depression kicks in, will you take the meds again?  How much support will you have with the baby?  Would someone be able to stay with you for extra help for months, even a year?  If you're suicidal or having severe panic attacks and can't connect properly with the baby, will that person be helpful?  Will you breastfeed?  On meds?  I ask these questions because these are some issues I agonized over, being very indecisive, after the baby was born.  It was so hard.  Maybe it would help to have a plan in case of things.  I didn't have enough support where I live to have a baby.  That was and is my biggest regret, that my family was far.  Also, that I now have stronger obligations towards my partner's family, who I can hardly stand.  I should have thought of how that would drive me nuts.  I mean really, I could avoid visits a lot easier without the baby.  I thought that maybe I'd never be happy without a child.  Now I see things from a different perspective, I think I could have, with maybe more therapy and life changes.  I sure can't get out of this marriage easily now, it was already hard, now seems impossible.  I love my child beyond belief, thank god I have her, but I see now that my thinking was in kind of a rut, and I only saw having a baby could make my life more meaningful.  It really is more meaningful, but it's also full of so many more challenges.  I know that I can only own my decisions, accept my lot in life and go forward, praying to god my baby can have a good life.  I was an atheist before, but now I need to pray, that's how hard it is sometimes.  I hope you can make your decisions and be happy with them. 

Otherwise just to say, I connect with your story!

[Barbarannamated]

Omgwtf,

 

I'm past the age to have a child, but found your post very powerful in its honesty. Thank you.

[alex]

"My worst days now are 100% better than my best days back then"

At almost 15 months off, and still struggling with very bad days of depression-anxiety, dark thoughts and horrible broken sleep, I cling to these words to give me hope and keep on walking through this terrible dark tunnel.

[Nadia]

Hi everyone... I'm sorry I don't drop in as much as I would like.

 

Petu, thank you for your kind words! I hope your path to recovery goes as well as possible, and that you find the strength to see it through.

 

OMGWTF... thank you for sharing your perspective with me! I still go back and forth a lot on whether I should keep trying to have a baby, but in the past month, though I'm still taking fertility supplements, I've started to think that I might give up on the idea. I realized I don't just want a baby, I want a family, a certain kind of life. Some friends tell me to go for it even if I don't feel I'm in the ideal place, that somehow things will work out. Others tell me (some, like you, with children of their own), that it's no picnic, and life can be just as satisfying without a child. Maybe my energies would be better put to use in creating a life I really feel satisfied with. It really helps to hear your story. I hope things somehow improve for you...

 

Alex... I'm so sorry to hear you're yet another person caught in this nightmare. But YES!! Cling to my words! It might take a while, but things CAN get better. I'm actually going through a lot in my life right now and feeling depressed, but over and over I think... OH MY GOD, I'M OK!! I'M REALLY HEALING!! It will be 3 years in November since I went cold turkey off my meds, and though I had off and on improvements from the very first year, it is only since December of 2012 that I feel I've made really lasting progress. What is happening now is that the periods of me feeling better (the windows) are actually creating a lasting resilience. I'm not so easy to topple into a wave anymore. Even when I'm feeling down, I recognize it as something very different from the withdrawal issues.

 

For example... one big trigger for "waves" for me was work stress. Last night I had some anxiety over something about work and I thought "oh no, here it comes"... but today I am totally fine, and last night I slept 8 hours straight no problem. God... I can't tell you how thankful I am for getting better sleep, too! For the first time ever, the past ten days I have slept well (one day up to 10 hours!), without waking up in the middle of the night or dawn, while at home and dipped into the usual set of stressors!! Even better than the last time I posted.

 

I still have little things that come and go... for example, I'll get tinnitus, in ever different patterns (this ear, that ear, continuous, intermittent, etc.). But something that used to last days, now only lasts hours. I think on occasion I still get dizzy, but I couldn't tell you when it happened last. And it takes way, way more over-exertion for me to get that "post-exertional malaise." I can tell my body is still trying to figure out energy levels, so at times I can feel a little manic (which can be quite welcome to get work done and feel happy!), and at times I'm too amped at times I shouldn't be and too tired when I should be OK... but it's these subtle little shifts. Before, I used to liken my anxiety to someone having somehow shot me up with massive amounts of amphetamines. God, I don't know how I made it through, but I did.

 

So, I'm here to say again that I definitely feel lasting progress. I'm certain now that it's not just a fluke or a window that's going to go away. It's my nervous system healing. People around me notice it, too.

 

SO HANG IN THERE, EVERYBODY! One step at a time. Just concentrate on surviving today. And do everything you can to soothe your nervous system.

 

Nadia

 

 

P.S. I recently went over some old correspondence, and was interested to read that the time I tried to quit antidepressants in 2008 I had the same issues as in 2010 (except I chickened out and reinstated). I mention extreme spaciness, not feeling like myself, diarrhea, panic attacks, feeling like I'm going to get the flu... except when I was writing in 2008 I kept on thinking they were due to environmental factors. For me it was just further proof that what I just went through these past years is DEFINITELY due to having quit antidepressants. I think for a long time I spent a lot of energy trying to convince friends and family that I wasn't crazy... that is the saddest part of all of this. The fact that we're largely fighting an invisible battle. I guess my advice about it, though, is save your energy if you can with that. Don't go overboard trying to convince anyone and instead concentrate on being kind to yourself.

[Narcissus]

Thanks for checking in Nadia, you've made a lot of progress!  It sounds like we may hear a success story from you in the not too distant future.  

 

I agree that trying to convince others can be an energy sink.  I'm trying to given it up myself, though it's difficult.  

 

I hope that things continue to improve for you, I strongly suspect that they will.

[alex]

Thank you Nadia!!

You are one of my bright stars in this dark night...

 

From tropical CR, love to you, A.

[Nadia]

Hello everyone! Just popping in to remind you things CAN get better and I'm living proof of it.

 

Still struggling with a few issues (in fact, just coming out of my latest relapse with anxiety and waking with panic), but it's amazing how even at my worst now I'm still able to get enough sleep to function and lots of the worst symptoms seem to be gone for good (like depersonalization).

 

Things are looking up, I feel quite human and normal most days, and I wish you all the same kind of healing I've experienced. Hang in there!

[Altostrata]

Good to hear from you again, Nadia! Glad you're doing pretty well.

[mammaP]

Hi Nadia, it is lovely to see someone who is doing so well. Thank you for popping by,

it helps a lot for people to see that it does  get better 

[alex]

Hi Nadia, it is lovely to see someone who is doing so well. Thank you for popping by,

it helps a lot for people to see that it does  get better 

 

Good to hear from you again, Nadia! Glad you're doing pretty well.

 

 

Ditto!!!

[Rhiannon]

Thanks for sharing your story. I know it makes a big difference to people who aren't even sure yet that there is an end to the tunnel, let alone whether there might be light there.

 

If you have the time, please consider writing a success story. I think you qualify!

[Karma]

It is so good to hear from you, Nadia.  I agree with Rhi.  You have had quite a journey and I think you qualify as a success story, too.

 

Karma

[Nadia]

Sorry I'm not around as much as I used to be... I think for me it was/is important to step away from thinking about withdrawal as a way of "changing the channel"... I will definitely be popping in every once in a while to let you know of my progress, though!

I guess I DO think that I have been successful in recovering, but I'm not ready to write a success story just yet. I feel like I have more good healing, and also more challenges, yet to come, and I would rather wait until I feel my progress is more complete to post SUCCESS!

 

I CAN say, however, that I have continued to feel like the progress I have made is now "irreversible" and I feel a normal person most of the time. That doesn't mean that I don't have bad days or bad stretches. Especially when things get very stressful or when my menstrual cycle is in the second half, I have some morning anxiety again.

The other symptoms that still randomly show up are very, very light tinnitus (that usually lasts an evening or two and then goes away again), the weird back tension or discomfort in my neck and sacrum area (which may be related to other problems that are not withdrawal-related, but still often coincides with anxiety--it's unlike any other muscle tension and feels as if acid has accumulated--not sure how else to describe it), and very occasional, light dizziness.

When I'm not well, I have to make sure not to get sensory overload and be more careful with computer use and watching agitating shows or being in loud places. I also have to watch out not to eat too much sugar or chocolate or caffeine (not much of a caffeine consumer, anyway). My recovery time is a few days now, instead of months.

 

Things that seem to be gone for good: DP, DR, all-day anxiety and panic attacks, the flu-like tiredness after exerting myself too much, gastrointestinal stuff, weird blood sugar issues (which were probably tied in to high cortisol).

I've become so spoiled that when I have even the slightest bit of anxiety in the morning I complain bitterly. And then I remember what it used to be like, and I think, OH, THANK GOODNESS. I can deal with this! I'll be OK in a bit. No use in trying to fight it, just let it pass on it's own. I'll do minor things like taking NAC or l-arginine or niacinamide when I wake too early, and I'll make sure to eat well, exercise, and meditate, and then I'll be back to being OK in a couple of days.

 

Now my issues are "larger"... I'm thinking about making big life changes, about what I truly want in life. Sometimes I bite off more than I can chew, but I feel like I've "rejoined the world". Most of this progress happened in the past 14 months or so. Before that, I would have periods of feeling much better, but they were fleeting and the "waves" were so bad that I truly doubted I would ever get better.

The specific progress I've noticed in the past three months or so is that I'm a bit more emotionally level and don't swing between manic and depressed as much.

 

I feel confident that there is more improvement to come. I still wonder if I'll ever be entirely free of anxiety, if I'll always be more susceptible to stress than other people, if there is even such a thing as "going back to who I was before meds". But then I think that even if I didn't get ANY better than I am now, my life is finally livable again. I also think that in a lot of ways, I'm better off now than I was at 24 when I got on antidepressants. I am more willing to find healthier and better solutions to my challenges. More willing to embrace myself for the sensitive, emotional person I am. To find my place in the world without feeling bullied by the expectations of others.

 

I wish you all healing and flow and wellness! And perseverance... this is a tough ride we got on, and somehow, we are making it! Like they say, if you're in hell, keep walking, and I'd add, don't worry about doing gracefully! Do it any way you can.

[alex]

Thank you Nadia! you are a success story for me already.....

[areyouthere]

So good to hear from you and thnk you for stopping in to post!!!  You are an inspiration! 

 

RU

[Altostrata]

So very good to hear from you, Nadia. Please stay in touch!

[tezza]

It's great to know you're doing well, it gives all of us hope, thank you, Nadia.

 

I'm glad to know you'll be stopping in with updates and understand the need to step away.

 

HUGS!!!

[Nadia]

Thanks, guys! I've been feeling a bit down these past couple of days and it really helps to know that reporting back about my recovery can give others hope.

[trouper]

nadia, your updates are much appreciated thank you!

[Petunia]

I'm sorry you have been feeling down lately Nadia, but I wanted to thank you for what you have been writing here and on other places on the site, I've found some comfort and hope in what you have shared.  I especially like what you wrote in response to a post in symptoms about feelings of insanity, that as long as you are still able to verbalize what is going on, then you are ok.

[Nadia]

Hi everyone! Just popping in to celebrate with you FOUR YEARS OFF ADs!!!

 

I'm doing better than ever!! Almost no symptoms to speak of, life moving forward, challenges being met with. It's been a long and winding road, but things get better.

 

Hang in there.

 

N.

[Barbarannamated]

Nadia,

 

I'm truly glad to hear you're doing well.

 

Are you off all drugs now? Had you been on benzos or neuroleptics? I'm not doing well, still, but am still on a few things and afraid to make any changes while still so unstable from Pristiq and Vyvanse DCs in 2011. Suspect my adrenals are getting worse.

 

If you don't mind another question... how do you think your recovery would have been effected/different if you were unable to work or get out? Sorry to be a downer. I'm really very pleased for you, sweet Nadia.

 

You are loved.

[alex]

Congratulations dear Nadia;thank you for stopping by.

I am 27 months off;doing better, but still struggling with "wavy" days, mostly anxiety and DP.

Broken sleep and PSSD seem to be the most persistent symptoms.

But I must say I've had an important overall improvement.

 

Un abrazo, A.

[Altostrata]

So good to hear, Nadia! Is it time for your success story http://tinyurl.com/8uucq38 ?

[Altostrata]

Nadia, how are you?

 

Are you still in Mexico? Please post here http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/8026-mexico-members-please-check-in-here/

[Altostrata]

I'm going to assume you're not visiting often because you're doing much better. I added our cheerful "here comes the sun" symbol

☼

to the title of your Intro topic.

Please continue to let us know how you're doing. I hope you will add your story to our Recovery Success Stories eventually!

[Altostrata]

Nadia has posted her Success Story here 5 Years Off - I Survived Antidepressants

 

In keeping with our tradition, I'm going to lock this thread as a new chapter in her life opens.

 

Congratulations, Nadia!