success ☼ Nadia: There is hope!

[Altostrata]

My acupuncturist, who is a Jewish American MD and speaks English as a first language, has done a tremendous amount of work regulating my temperature and heart rate.

 

I believe those hot flushes are associated with surges of cortisol (not related to the mechanism behind menopausal hot flashes). Lots of us get them, men and women, and they do seem to accompany waking and anxiety.

 

It's so hard when you can't communicate with your acupuncturist. Yet it seems she usually gets it right. I guess, Nadia, you'll have to be extra careful to tell her what's going on with you.

 

....

As an aside, I had forgotten to mention before some things that have been different or evolving. Two things particularly come to mind:

 

1. I seem to be dreaming a lot (when I AM able to sleep). Before I could not remember my dreams at all, now it seems like all I do all night is dream.

2. I am getting a lot of memories and strong sensations from the past. I remember really random things very vividly.

 

I suppose this means my neurons are firing away like crazy and things are shifting around. I hope it is a good sign. In general it seems to be accompanied by a slight lift in mood. I have been laughing once in a while, and more able to feel pleasure once in a while....

 

As I understand it, you remember your dreams when you sleep less deeply or wake often, breaking a sleep cycle. If you complete a sleep cycle, you remember your dreams less.

 

Many of us report vivid dreams and broken sleep.

 

I also had preternatural recall of past events earlier in withdrawal. I think it is a sign that a brain structure (maybe the amygdala? maybe the hippocampus) is either reconnecting or, having been somehow suspended, catching up with business. When I experienced it, it replayed details of a long-ago unhappy love affair over and over, until I wrote them all down (and sent them off to the man involved).

 

Maybe this is where the withdrawal-induced OCD comes from, that some people report.

[Nadia]

Yes, it certainly feels like "catching up with business"... It's like all the time I took the ADs, I accumulated an incredible amount of "mental dirty laundry" and now I'm having to do all of it at once!

 

I think I can work with this acupuncturist if I'm very careful about the communication, which involves mentioning AND not mentioning certain things... since some things set off little flags for treatment. I'll stick with mentioning high cortisol, anxiety, insomnia... that seemed to work.

 

I found a reference to a place in Toronto that does contemporary acupuncture. I plan on calling when I am there to see if I can afford it, because it sounds like I could really communicate what I need in terms of the high cortisol. Then, I could probably tell my acupuncturist here what worked, if it worked.

 

What is absolutely fantastic about my acupuncturist is the price... about $16 a session! There are others who charge about $32 or more, but even that I can't afford to go to regularly. So I'm willing to work around the sometimes difficult communication! Today I am really frustrated because I have pretty bad anxiety, but I'm trying to remember this is just a temporary setback.

[Nadia]

Last night my best friends told me they are moving to Canada in a month. I'm very happy for them, but so sad for me. As I was leaving their house I told one of them, "everything in my life seems to be changing." He answered, "oh, everything is always changing!"

[Nadia]

So it has now been a month since I started "taking action" about my withdrawal (two months for certain things like acupuncture). I've been on the Specific Carbohydrate Diet for a month, and have not taken any barbituates or natural calming remedies such as valerian. It's interesting to note in what ways I am better and worse than I was a month ago.

 

My sleep is worse in general... even a month ago, I was able to get 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep, maybe even 7 once in a while. The breaking point seems to be the day I took this "remedy" that an ayurvedic doctor gave me called "cordis". But I had also taken a steep decline in sleep and sharp peak in anxiety when I took an antiamoeba medication for a week right before that. Since that first crisis, however, I have made considerable though not constant improvement. My highest success now is sleeping 4 1/2 hours straight and then being able to sleep fitfully for another 1 1/2 to 2 hours more.

 

Dread and doom feelings while trying to nap have generally improved, though I have not tried consistently. I only try to take a nap when it really feels like the end of the world. I did have ONE NORMAL NAP before my latest anxiety surge.

 

My anxiety is slowly improving in fits and starts, but it is worse than it was before the antiamoeba meds. I try to remember that crisis is what really propelled me into action, while still hoping that I can surmount it.

 

Dizziness is better, it's no longer a permanent constant.

 

Depersonalization has decreased. I am able to interact with people a bit better (also comes in waves).

 

Depression has changed... I have more of what seems like natural depression now and then. I still get the weird depression now and then, but less so.

 

Anhedonia has decreased. I am able to laugh once in a while, and have spurts of weak interest in random things. Sometimes I feel real pleasure, like when I get a massage (not always able to, but it surprises me when it happens).

 

Sensitivity to smells and sounds has decreased (it comes back in waves, though). I've stayed away from watching stuff that disturbs me or even listening to a lot of music (even music I like can make me feel this weird dreadful feeling... but I feel like soon I might be able to open up more to it).

 

Cortisol is still way higher than it was before the anti-amoeba med. Feeling really hot and feeling the burning panic type waves is still around, but decreasing in waves.

 

Fatigue/tiredness has changed... I still get the headache and really frayed and strained feeling, even by mid-morning, but I guess the high cortisol keeps me from feeling as tired and worn out as I did before. Physical discomfort and weirdness is still there... that burned nerve endings feeling, my sensations of hot and cold are weird, weird muscle aches, irritability... maybe a bit less but almost the same.

 

Memories and sensations from the past and dreaming have increased.

 

Appetite has completely increased (maybe due to not having amoebas anymore, maybe due to the diet). This makes me suffer a lot, because I have really bad carb cravings, and it's the first time in a long time I WANT to give myself pleasure through food, and it is sad that I "can't". I debate whether I should allow myself some pleasure here. Then I get scared of the effect it will have on my anxiety. I tease myself with yoghurt and fruit smoothies and baked fruit.

 

Despair... really varies. Sometimes I'm just so damn tired and unable to rest and I just want to cry, I want someone to come save me from this predicament. This leads me to get depressed and hopeless. Then I somehow manage to talk myself back into having some courage and keeping up the "fight".

 

I struggle a lot with if I should limit or expand... Philosophically I have always thought that opening, accepting, bending is the way. But I notice I am also using closing things out as a coping mechanism. Even with my waves of anxiety, I find myself bracing against them. Letting go of control... I think I should go in that direction. But it also seems like some of my progress is due to EXERTING control and limits. Not staying up late, making myself get out of bed, fighting against my tiredness and laziness, not eating what I crave, not taking the easy way out, excluding certain experiences and interactions with people, media, etc. Still trying to find the right approach...

[Nadia]

Oh... what I am doing:

 

I take:

1080mg EPA (split into three times daily)

720mg DHA (split into three times daily)

GNC calcium citrate plus with Vitamin D-3 (400mg calcium, 200mg magnesium oxide, 10 µg D-3) (split into one in the morning and one at night)

400 µg Chromium picollinate (split into AM and PM)

1 GNC Ultra Mega Gold multivitamin (which I just realized has green tea in it... argh).

50mg zinc

400 µg folic acid

81mg coated aspirin with breakfast and then with dinner

 

At night I take melatonin (I think it is 1mg but I'm not sure! I need to find new stuff to have better control) at 10pm.

SERIPHOS: Right now I'm doing two at 9pm, and then two each time I wake up during the night or while awake during the night, two at a time. I play it by ear... don't take more than 7 or 8 total, though I read some people take up to 12 a day.

 

Acupuncture 2X a week.

Massage 1X a week.

 

Walk every morning for 45 minutes.

30 minutes of light Pilates.

 

Meditation for at least 1/2 hour a day (or breathing exercises).

 

SCD/GAPS diet.

 

Magnesium sulfate baths... was doing them nightly, have reduced to two or three nights a week if I feel I really need it. Not sure it's helping at all anymore.

 

Had been listening the past week or so to Brain Entrainment alpha/theta/delta waves, stuff from Brainsync with subliminal messages. The delta/deep sleep stuff seems not to work for me yet, but the alpha/theta stress reduction track I listen to does seem to calm me down considerably. Still experimenting with this. I got tired of the stuff I was listening to... start to relate it to feeling bad (this happens to me with anything I do for a while).

[Nadia]

Yesterday I go acupuncture that seemed to help. I was able to sleep about 4 1/2 hours straight again for the first time in days. This time, I mentioned to the acupuncturist that I don't seem to have that much trouble initially falling asleep (it takes me about 1/2 hour to an hour), but then I wake up in the middle of the night. She said early waking has to do with low spleen energy, and she applied electricity to the two needles she puts in my inner lower leg above my ankles. I felt sooo tired and calm when I left the appt., and then I did sleep better.

 

I started looking up insomnia and acupuncture, and apparently there are really different treatments for the type of insomnia you have: whether you have trouble falling asleep, or you wake up too early, or if you wake up always at specific time, etc. I hadn't thought of mentioning anything exact the the acupuncturist before, but apparently it makes a difference!

[Nadia]

After that acupuncture session, I had two "good" nights... the first night I slept 4 1/2 hours, then the second night I slept two runs of three hours, and then was able to lightly sleep from 6:30am to 7:30am without panic waves! For the first time since the huge downturn! The downside was that I felt more tired, but that makes sense... if it meant my adrenaline and cortisol were lower.

 

Then last night I was up pretty much all night. I kept glancing at the clock... I'd think, surely at least an hour has gone by, but it had only been a few minutes. I think I did sleep for about an hour between 4 and 5 because I was dreaming... rote dreams. Another thing I noticed about the two nights I did sleep longer is that I remembered my dreams more clearly when I woke up, and they were strange dreams instead of rote repetition or stress dreams. From what I remember about a term paper on sleep and dreaming I wrote years ago, you tend to have strange dreams in later dream cycles, as they are a mix of the dreams you had in earlier cycles.

 

I don't know if it's the acupuncture wearing off, or if I did something wrong. I HAVE noticed a pattern in my notes that when I take the Seriphos at 9pm (as opposed to earlier or later... last night I took it at 10:45) I seem to get better sleep. I'm still taking it every time I wake up during the night, though never more than once every two hours and never more than three times during the night. I now take one pill... for a while I took two, but I wasn't doing well with sleep and cut back in case that was the culprit.

 

So hard to know what is the cause of what... how much of it would just happen anyway no matter what I do.

 

Makes it especially hard to get motivated to exercise and walk now. Though I feel less tired...or rather, I'm tried but amped. At least the typical morning panic waves I get are a bit less strong.

 

I did go out last night to be with friends for a couple of hours. That may have been too stimulating... I spend a lot of time defending the limitations I've set up for myself with diet and schedules... everyone tells me to just relax, I end up spending too much time explaining how awful it is not to sleep, and how all the things I'm doing feel necessary at this point. I need to just deflect next time and not engage these conversations.

[brighteningup]

Just a thought - I hope not a silly one.

 

If the acupuncture is helping now for giving you 2 nights good sleep - could you afford to go 3 times a week and have this cover you for the whole week nearly

 

Also I know you've said that your concerned about going away for a month - can you arrange some acupuncture for yourself where you're going away too to keep you covered as it were?

[Nadia]

Hi Bright... I think I'm afraid to overdo it, as taking any approach too aggressively can make it backfire. For that and for money reasons I've cut back on the acupunture to once a week. Also to prepare for less acupuncture while gone. What is interesting is that last night was one of my best nights in a long time! I had a massage on Sunday, and that night went OK, though of course I was tired and emotional yesterday. Then last night I slept a chunk of 4 hours, and then fell asleep for two more hours! I also didn't get the anxiety waves until 7am, instead of between 4 and 6. Two nights ago I hardly slept, so I'm wondering how much has to do with acupuncture or massage and how much has to do with just random natural cycles my nervous system is going through. (I also had some pretty weird dreams last night and remembered them, and that seems to be correlated to sleeping more).

 

I DO plan on finding an acupuncturist to cover me while I'm away! I'm not sure if I'll be able to afford it, but hope that I can eat cheaply and use some of the spending money they give me for work to cover part of it... I've already looked up a few places near where I'll be working, and just need to call to explain my situation and see how much they charge.

 

Thanks for the suggestions!

[brighteningup]

Your welcome.

 

I did wonder if 3 times a week might be a bit too much

 

BTW I've never thought of trying acupuncture, but so many people here seem to find it helpful I'm beginning to wonder if it might be worth a try - do you find (when it helps) that it helps your anxiety levels too?

 

Good to hear you had a good nights sleep - here's to many more.

 

Hope you find somewhere good where you're going away to and not too expensive

 

Bright

[Nadia]

Did I say three times a week? Oops... it was only two. The acupuncturist recommended starting with two and then going once a week, and then eventually twice a month, etc. I think I went twice a week longer than normal.

 

I DO find acupuncture helps for anxiety... I think that is the primary effect I feel, plus less depersonalization. In general I feel more centered and less tired when I go as well. Lighter in general, and more "me". But it can really depend. Sometimes it brings up feelings... probably because I have been ignoring them or shutting them out. The acupuncturist hasn't narrowed in on a specific treatment yet, though... it can vary because originally I went in for "depression", and then my anxiety and insomnia got much worse (not because of the acupuncture). It was really helping for anxiety, but not so much for the insomnia until last week. I'm not sure that she's found the exact combo that works, and on two occasions I got worse after going (at least we've eliminated that approach!)... but in general I would say it has made a world of difference, and that a lot of my progress is due to it.

 

I'm going right now, in fact!

[Nadia]

So, I had a run of 5 good days... with some depression the last two days due to PMS most likely (it's a familiar pretty benign kind of depression, as opposed to the wicked neuroemotion), but with really low levels of anxiety, especially in the morning... I had little to no "panic waves" and they would start at around 7am instead of 5am. More just an "amped" feeling. I was able to sleep about 6 hours a night, either in two three hour chunks or one 4 and one 2 hour chunk. It was wonderful! I was feeling almost totally normal!

 

Then last night it all fell apart, and I had really harsh panic waves in the morning. It might have had to do with a work meeting I had, but maybe it's just a random wave. It's discouraging (and the fact that I feel discouraged makes me feel disappointed in my coping abilities), but I'm trying to focus on the fact that that 5 day window was the best I've had yet... so maybe there will be more to come.

 

I wish I understood why the ups and downs. Sometimes it seems related to stuff I do, sometimes it doesn't. It makes it hard to know what to do. I guess in the end we just don't have a whole lot of control.

 

Trying not to think of the big questions, trying to accept, trying to be mindful and not reject or invite negative thoughts and feelings...

[Eliotsmum]

Hi Nadia: 5 days of feeling good.........That is so great....what an achievement!! If your intuition says it was a meeting at work that upset you, then you should trust that. Wishing you more good days!!!!

[Nadia]

Thank you! I just got back from an emergency session of acupuncture and am feeling much better. The anxiety was really so strong. I keep thinking I'm getting better at dealing with it, but then when it hits hard I realize I just haven't had it as strong.

[brighteningup]

Good to hear your feeling better.

 

Probably you are handling the anxiety much better, it's just when it hits bad it's overwhelming neuro-emotion and that's much harder to handle, no matter how good you are at handling it on other days.

 

I know if I start to get really stressed out by something that's when it all suddenly gets overwhelming - no matter how well I can handle it at other times.

 

Here's to many more good days for you.

[Nadia]

Thank you!

 

Guess what? I slept 6 hours straight last night!!!!!

[Altostrata]

Yay! Here's to more good sleeps to come as you recover.

[Nadia]

Thanks!

 

Today was a step back in a weird way. I didn't sleep well and I'm feeling a lot of anger, and now in the afternoon everything makes me want to cry... I don't feel that strange, I'm not even sure if it's "real" emotion or not (if that distinction can even be made)... but throughout the day I've realized it will attach itself to anything. I guess this whole recovery process is just going to be a rollercoaster.

[Nadia]

Hi everyone,

 

Just wanted to post an update. I've been too busy to visit the site lately (or do much of anything except work), but I wanted to post that I'm doing OK... on some days even really good. My sleep in general has improved a bunch. I haven't gotten good sleep the past couple of nights because I've had to go to sleep really late, and I still wake up early and can't go back to sleep, but on many nights for the past couple of weeks I've slept 6 or more hours in a row! And my anxiety has improved remarkably.

 

I still get overwhelmed easily with stimuli and I get tired easily, but it's amazing how much better I'm doing. And when I do feel bad I just ignore it and do whatever it is I have to do for work anyway. Now they're asking me to stay on this job longer, which means I'm not going to get a break for a while, and that has set off the "burning anxiety waves" thing I get. But I try to just ignore it now when I feel that... not ignore so much as just make a mental note of it and then not attribute any meaning to it. That seems to work pretty well.

 

I've noticed I'm only dizzy every once in a while now, too... maybe once or twice a day, and it doesn't last for too long. My mood is a little bit all over the place, but in general much improved. I have had a few moments of feeling almost back to normal at times.

 

And all of this improvement has been there even though I've fallen completely off the SCD diet... which sucks because I have really bad heartburn all the time now, but it's just too hard to keep up having to eat out all the time. And there's something to be said for enjoying food... I'm really, really enjoying it when it's not overtaken by the heartburn! Aside from the heartburn, the only other thing I seem to notice is my hands smell really sweet in the mornings, and I wonder if that is because I am eating carbs. Anyway, I do plan on going back on the diet strictly as soon as possible (and I do my best not to eat carbs now, but only if it means I won't feel hungry, because being hungry totally rocks my stability)... but I kind of wonder if there is a relation between better sleep and the carbs. Then again, it could be anything... I'm wondering if there is a connection with my menstrual cycles as well.

 

Anyway... I'm hopeful that this trend in improvement will continue! I'm scared that I'm not going to get a break from work now until May... but I'm hoping things won't be too stressful and that I keep on healing.

 

My thoughts are with you all often even when I am not able to post.

 

N.

[brighteningup]

Hey Nadia,

 

Good to hear from you. I wondered how things were with you.

 

Sounds like its going well, that's brilliant news

 

Take care and enjoy it.

 

All best,

 

Bright

[ajay]

Hi Nadia!

 

I am so happy to hear that things are going well!

 

I'll miss your updates, but I certainly understand and I wonder if your level of 'busy-ness' is helping you get better.

Next time you check in, I'd love to know what patterns/routines you've been able to maintain. Are you still taking the seriphos? Did you find an acupuncturist in Canada?

 

Here's hoping for continued healing and plenty of sleep.

 

Cheers,

Ajay

[alexjuice]

Hey Nadia,

 

I miss you here. But I'm also glad you have a life that is keeping you occupied. Please drop in when time allows and post another update.

 

Alex

[Nadia]

Hey guys,

 

Thanks for responding! Again I have not had time to check in... things got really, really stressful and hectic. I hope to be on here more when I go home and have regular internet access.

 

Ajay, yes, I am still taking the Seriphos. I take one between 9 and 10 pm, and then every time I wake up at night, but not past 6am. I do think it has helped... in a gradual, long term way, as opposed to something that has an immediate effect. I have not gone to acupuncture here, nor had I felt the need to until just a few days ago! I'm also still taking melatonin. I've only been taking fish oils in the morning, but am trying to eat fish as often as possible (by the way, my acne is AWFUL, even only taking the fish oils in the morning, so my theory about that contributing to my acne was wrong).

 

I'm also working out in the hotel gym every morning, or at lunch time... there have been some mornings I could go back to sleep until about 8am, so I wasn't about to set an alarm to go do exercise if I could sleep!! So then I would go at lunch. Right now I'm doing a 1/2 hour, fairly intense workout on the elliptical trainer, and I feel that keeps me sane. If I skip it I get very, very anxious and don't sleep well that night.

 

The past week I've had really bad anxiety again, but it's because the pressure at work got really heavy (well, for me, for other people I'm sure it would just be normal). I had to perform under pressure and I almost fell apart, but I made it through. That was coupled with a couple of nights of having to either work until late or go out and socialize for work stuff... so that really threw off my sleep. I find if I don't get to bed by 10:30 or 11 then I don't get good sleep, and have trouble falling and staying asleep. On the the other hand, if I go to sleep early, then there is a good chance I'll be able to sleep for 4 to 6 hours without waking. The other night I hit my record, a full 7 hours of sleep! Then on many days I am able to sleep for another hour or two in little spurts, though not very deeply (but it still really helps me feel rested).

 

Also, today I was dizzy for the first time in quite a few days (the days are so full of new stuff and work for me lately I have no concept of time... it seems to go by really slow and really fast at the same time). It makes me realize how much I've advanced. Also, I haven't been getting tired as easily. I've had several 12 hour work days lately and been OK with it. Of course, getting more sleep is what makes it possible!

 

So yeah... my progress is still erratic... I think that is the nature of it... but despite the past three or four days having been really awful I still think I'm doing much better. I remember back on the first day I forced myself out on a walk and how I had to stop because I felt I was going to faint, and think... I've come a long way. There IS hope! Sometimes it doesn't seem like I'm any better, like yesterday and today, but then I think back on what I felt before, and I realize I HAVE made tons of progress, in sometimes really subtle ways (no more feelings of horror when sleeping, for example).

 

My motto lately is "do it anyway"... despite the anxiety and suffering, just get through it and plow ahead... new roads start opening up, the world rewards you. It's like a combination of tough love and loving kindness toward yourself...

[brighteningup]

Fantastic to hear things are going so well for you (even though you're having some ups and downs).

 

I'm assuming you get some days off from your current job?

 

Do make sure you get a good rest /do whatever relaxes you and lets you recharge on those days.

 

A mix of tough love plus loving kindness sounds like it might work rather well.

 

(My problem has only been when I've let the tough love takeover and had no self-kindness to counter balance it, I'm sure you won't do this though and a bit more just getting on with it, even though I'm still anxious, is something I'm currently working on doing more of.)

 

So pleased that you're improving so much.

 

Keep having fun...

[Nadia]

Hi bright!

 

Yes, my tendency is to beat myself up... tough love is a whole different matter. It's hard to know the right balance of pushing yourself without doing yourself harm. I think having taken this job helped me because it has prevented me from coddling myself, but I do have to be ultra-aware of not going to the opposite extreme and beating myself up too much. I especially have have a hard time when someone else expects something of me... I'm learning slowly how to draw limits and stand up for myself (with my own internal nagging voice and with others' expectations). It's a lot of trial and error. The silly part is when I beat myself up about failing not to beat myself up or not to offer up too much of myself... I try to just forgive and forget... say to myself, I'm just learning this, there's always a next time. Just keep going.

 

I just posted something my boyfriend sent me on the Finding Meaning thread. It says, in relation to this: Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

 

I think that says it all.

[Nadia]

Hi everyone,

 

I've just gotten back from a month-long vacation. It's now been a full year that I have been off of Zoloft (sertraline) and Wellbutrin (bupropion). I am not 100% better but am doing amazingly well. I am SO much better than I was a couple of months ago, at times I even feel normal. I'm sure being on vacation helped, even though it was the "hectic" type travel vacation and not the relaxing kind (and it involved traveling overseas, which means jetlag). But the month before, which was a high-stress new job, also helped in a weird way, I think, because it made me feel more alive and positive and got me out of the rut I was in.

 

I can now report that I have been able to take naps without feelings of dread. I still wake up early, but am able to go back to sleep. I also still have some anxiety, but NOTHING like the paralyzing horror I was dealing with before. I've been able to watch stuff on TV and in movies that I couldn't handle before, and am hardly ever dizzy. There is still some weird stuff going on occasionally, and I tire easily, but when I think back on what I was going through a couple of months ago, I feel so much hope for me and for all of us that there is a way out of this. I feel extremely lucky that my recovery has been so quick (while also being conscious that there may be another downturn in the future beyond the small steps back that I feel on some days/weeks).

 

I am dealing now more with depression than with anxiety, but now it is the familiar type from way back before I ever took meds, and I've managed not to let myself downspiral. I'm trying to combat it with exercise, healthy eating, socializing, and working toward enjoying my life more (rethinking my career is part of it). I think the most important thing to getting through the nervous system imbalances from withdrawal is having something to live for. I'm not sure how it happened... some of it was acceptance, some of it was clawing my way out in desperation... but gradually my inability to enjoy anything has lifted. And in finding inspiration and enjoyment, even for short moments, other things started falling into place. It's still an up and down sort of thing, but it seems each spin takes me further up and out.

 

I guess for the moment I'm trying to just enjoy the relative peace and health and not think about it too much. When I catch myself thinking too much, I try to meditate and just let go and try to trust that things will work themselves out. But I also push myself to do what needs to be done and don't let myself wallow in self-pity. When I was first dealing with this I thought the way out was to remove stressors, but now I think part of what has helped me was having to deal with stress. It's hard to know, but it's possible!

 

In any case, I hope for everyone going through this to find their path to healing. My thoughts are with you. If I don't visit as often as I'd like it's because I'm swamped in work... but it also helps not to concentrate on the issues too much so I don't activate hypochondria!

 

N.

[Altostrata]

What great news, Nadia. So glad that job worked out for you. Thanks for checking in.

[Nadia]

Thanks, Alto!

[Nadia]

Ugh... sharp downturn the past three days. I suspected if I wrote I was doing well that this might happen. Ha ha...

 

It's hard to figure out the cause. I was offered a job that would involve quitting the one I'm doing now, and that may have sparked it, or it could be my menstrual cycle, or I might have overdone it with the caffeine. In any case, I have light sleep and insomnia again, and anxiety (burning sensation), and some dizziness. Still not as bad off as I was before, but it is scary it can just come back like that.

 

While I was traveling I did have some problems about half-way through the trip, but they didn't last too long and weren't that severe.

 

It makes sense that being back at home and at work that things might be harder. Traveling involved stress (getting up early, walking around all day, being exhausted, making flights and buses, etc.) but it also had nothing to do with work and was a more benign kind of stress. Or maybe I was just too busy and constantly in a new environment and that didn't allow me to dwell on things. Maybe the only thing that is different now is that I'm freaking out about it!

 

Now I just can't stop thinking about it. I keep on thinking what is different: 1. I'm eating way healthier now that I'm home, low carb (on the trip I ate tons of carbs). 2. I'm exercising now in the mornings but I sit in front of the computer the rest of the day for work (on the trip I didn't do pilates or jog, but I walked a ton and barraged with sensory information, so I was exhausted at the end of the day). 3. I'm working and depressed about it. 4. I'm taking Lion's Mane, a mushroom, to help with depression. 5. I'm taking my fish oils and vitamins regularly (on the trip I was very irregular about it).

 

Wondering if I should go to acupunture. If I should start keeping track of what I do and eat. Or if part of the problem before was concentrating so much on every little thing I felt. Maybe it's much healthier to just ignore all of it.

[Nadia]

I forgot to mention before that I even got to a point when I was doing well that I realized I'd been forgetting to take my melatonin! And was able to sleep fine. I only started taking it again when I got back. God, it can drive me crazy thinking "what if that is a factor?"

 

In the end maybe it is all just random??

 

I just need to trust this is a temporary setback and that I've progressively gotten better. I need to make sure I don't freak out and have that add to the problem. I think I'm just so afraid of getting worse and worse instead of better and better. I need to meditate. That is something I didn't do much on the trip either!

[Altostrata]

My guess is it's the stress. Plus caffeine.

 

Will changing jobs be stressful? Would the new job be more stressful than your current job?

 

Unless a job change would bring less stress, if I were you, I wouldn't make any big changes now. Your nervous system is still recuperating.

 

Try keeping everything else very regular, and decrease caffeine and stress.

 

Acupuncture might help, too -- it helped before.

[Nadia]

Hi Alto,

 

It's hard for me to figure out what triggered the anxiety. I guess the job offer did not help, for sure... but in some ways it seems so random. Also with the caffeine... In the days I was back home before the anxiety came back, I was struggling with depression, but doing fine with sleep and anxiety. I was surprised on several occasions at my level response to certain stresses. And I'd also had caffeine a bunch over the past month. But this WAS the first time I had mate instead of green or black tea, so maybe it was too much.

 

I HAVE noticed that most of my anxiety peaks have been in response to work situations. The new job would in some ways be less stressful, but it would also be more work. But you're right, I probably don't need to be making any changes now.

 

In the end, I think this is a lot like an autoimmune disease... something triggers an overactive response from our damaged nervous systems, and then it takes a while to get it back under control. In Ulcerative Colitis it is called a "flare"... this strikes me as similar. The triggers aren't clear, nor is the exact right way to coax the body to calm down again.

 

I was so tempted the other night to just take half a Xanax. My boyfriend convinced me not to. I took some Yogi Bedtime Tea instead, but of course it didn't help, and maybe made things worse. So yeah, on Friday I went to acupuncture. It didn't help that much for the anxiety but it made my mood better. I don't know what to do... I keep on thinking my best improvement happened when I wasn't going to acupuncture or anything (just exercising... I still think that is key). I improved quite a bit while I was in Canada for the job, until about the third week when I got "promoted" to a higher position and that set off another attack... but it calmed down fairly quickly and I was better than ever two weeks later. And then I was almost close to normal in so many ways while on vacation. So yeah... in a way avoiding stress is important, but at the same time I think just plowing ahead in face of the anxiety is important as well.

 

Which is not what my brain or body wants. I really just want to curl up and go to sleep forever. I'm having to pep talk my way into acceptance again, telling myself there is no use in digging in my heels. Intellectually I knew I might take a turn for the worse (or did thinking that make it happen??), and I know from other people's posts that the nature of this is windows and lots of ups and downs. But emotionally having it happen is a whole other matter, it activates all the old fears of never getting better. In some ways I think it would be best if I let go of thinking about it or researching it or trying to find solutions, and just got on with my life in a disciplined way (with self-compassion as well). I tend to over think things (like I even need to say it!), and maybe I was doing better the past couple of months because I WASN'T dwelling on this as much. So if I disappear for another while, it's because of that. My thoughts will be with everyone, of course. I wish everyone the fastest healing possible, and the utmost grace in the face of these challenges.

[Altostrata]

In these neurological situations, the tendency for "flares" is called "kindling." A relatively small sense of stress will snowball into a wave of anxiety or depression.

 

This is another result of withdrawal hypersensitivity.

[Nadia]

Hmm, kindling. Good word choice. It describes it well.

 

Last night, even though I was feeling a little bit anxious, I was able to go to sleep and slept almost 8 hours straight! Very little anxiety in the morning. Phew! Hope this up trend continues!

[Nadia]

Down, down, down in the dumps. I woke up at 4:15 last night (went to bed at around 12:30) and then couldn't get back to sleep. And I've been really, really depressed. I know I am being a wimp about this, I went through much worse for much longer a few months ago, but I am despairing now. Don't know if it means I should change everything in my life... like break up with my boyfriend, leave the country, change jobs (I'm back to not even being able to envision enjoying anything), or if this all just part of the withdrawal... another setback set off by stress. I put so much energy into getting better, and now feel like I'm falling back to square one. Like this is just my fate forever... And it's not just my own patience worn thin, it is also my family's. My boyfriend made some comment the other night like "why do you women always have to have some sort of emotional drama going on?" And everybody has this "oh, no, not again" look on their face (me too, of course).

 

Still, I got up and walked and then did my pilates. And I'm sitting at my desk and going to work.

 

My mom wants me to see a psychologist. I guess it's not such a bad idea but I don't know that it would help. I go crazy wondering what helps and hurts (did I take too much magnesium? Was the vitamin B pill what did it? Is acupuncture hurting more than it's helping?, Did I cause this by thinking about it?, etc.)

 

Sorry, I just needed to vent. I hope to claw my way to a better attitude soon.

[Altostrata]

Nadia, you might as well assume it's withdrawal, and it will pass.

 

If it isn't withdrawal, same deal. Try to change the channel, let the dark clouds pass. All will become clear.