success ☼ Nadia: There is hope!

[Whatever]

Now that I think of it, the stabbing pains in the side of the head... I had not had that since being on ADs and then the first couple of months after CTing. Not sure what that means...

 

I had those sporadically for a year after WD.

[Nadia]

From reading all your posts my opinion is that you think too much. Your posts actually make me dizzy as your mind appears to race in circles. I suspect you were like this before the meds. Please correct me if I am wrong.

 

ADs are great at stopping this cycle, that is if you are content to feel absolutely nothing.

 

But, when you WD from them the feelings and racing thoughts come at you like a tidal wave.

 

I can very much relate to this. I learned at a young age to think through things, analyze situations as a way avoid feeling things. Because feeling was too uncomfortable. I think that the more intelligent you are the more likely you are to want to think through life as opposed to feel. And if you are intelligent people will reinforce this by saying "oh you are so smart", "being so smart must make life easy for you". Also when you are intelligent sometimes you hold the view that feelings are only for weak, simple-minded people.

 

I have been working on this thinking v. feeling issue all my life. I found that keeping a journal helps. See, if I don't feel the feeling then it just sits there and rots inside me and I try to analyze it away. So now what I do is keep a journal (I use one called Chronicle on my IPOD I-Touch). When someone hurts me, insults me, if I have one of those "gut reactions" that something isn't right I write all my feelings about the subject. Not thoughts, but feelings. For example, I had an incident with my SIL, I carried it around for weeks. Finally I just wrote in my journal "I hate you, I hate listening to your stupid meaningless stories...."

 

Doing this makes actually feel what is going on and it purges it from my mind and body.

 

Right on the money! I think too much (everyone that meets me says this at one point or another), and I try to dominate my feelings with thoughts, and I was like that before ADs and being on ADs helped with it. They did not make me feel nothing, though, at least not at first... I think they brought me down to a comfortable level and stopped the ruminating... it was only after being on them a few months that I would get deadened or complacent (except for when I was on Celexa... that one really did just zap my feelings and made me into a cold automaton, it was awful). I remember I was so used to feeling in pain or miserable all the time, or feeling something really intensely, that when I first was on ADs I caught myself getting into more and more drastic situations to raise my level of emotion. Once I realized it I began the process of slowly letting go of self-identifying as a tortured individual and I found real joy and comfort possible. I felt so much more in control. I also was less inhibited and shy about stuff. I finally dared to drive a car, for example, and I ventured into doing creative things in public. But of course, that was just the honeymoon period... eventually I just became complacent.

 

I think I have come to realize that I didn't start taking ADs because of depression, though I had suffered through several periods of depression in my life. The real reason I took ADs was to avoid pain. I think more than anything, I am a very sensitive person... I have drastic emotional reactions to everything. And fears of being abandoned because of it. And like you say, a tendency to think my way around the feelings as a way of avoiding them. In therapy I started working through these things, but I also first found out about ADs right then, and decided to try them. And thus the slippery slope down to where I am now.

 

I used to write in a journal a lot before... I need to get back into the practice, and I like your suggestion of just writing the feelings (often, as you may imagine, my journal is just me getting out the mad tangle of thoughts).

 

I think I've also used thoughts to avoid just doing. I think I need to not "decide" anything, and just let myself be attracted and repelled by what attracts and repels me (even if objectively none of it makes sense). As a way of finding my path.

 

And I just remembered yesterday I realized I have also been too attached to this idea of me as depressed, miserable, etc. That maybe I'm holding on to my misery out of fear, failing myself before I even start. I need let go of that concept of myself and let a new me be born (in much the same way I did when I first took ADs, but this time I'll be finding it in myself without drugs).

[Whatever]

I can totally relate. If you don't mind, let me share a few things about my own process. For many years I saw myself as a tortured soul and part of me loved it, and part of me was deeply shamed by it. I overreacted emotionally to events and converstations (internally). Some of this is the legacy of a narcisstic father who abandoned me. Some of this was due to being young.

 

I was in therapy for several years. When therapy got to the point that my therapist was saying "it is time to stop being a victim". I got scared. So the thinking part of me took over and I reasoned that I should no longer see my therapist because I happened to know that she was having an affair with another therapist in the practice and they were both married. How could I possibly accept advice from someone who would commit adultery! I was proud of my moral indignation but beneath I knew I was a coward. And then just around the corner was dumb middle aged white psychiatrist (read FATHER FIGURE) with a prescription pad and plenty of sympathy for the victimization I suffered.

 

I was diagnosed with PTSD. So I didn't take ADs for depression. I took them to supress feelings. I had so many feelings I was stuffing that I walked around feeling as if I was about to burst at any second.

 

When I went cold turkey from all the drugs was when I finally found myself. I know what you are going through emotionally. Even one year out, there were times when I couldn't figure out what emotion 1 + emotion 2 equaled. I struggled with causality. I would have long monologues in my head about something that happened to me in the past, and I would repeat that story mentally to myself over and over again. It was if my mind and emotions where a jigsaw puzzle that I had to put together. Part of this was neurological, and part of it was unfinished business that was going on before I went on meds. Once I put the puzzle together, I was a whole person and I no longer craved drama. I was able to achieve this because I no longer wanted to be that tortured soul. I wanted nothing to do with the drugged up zombie I was on pmeds. I never wanted to have to be saved by anyone again. That is what drove me to change.

 

So does this make sense? And one more question: are you the person who was talking about moving to Canada?

[Altostrata]

I had an epiphany when I realized I was afraid to give up my depression. If I wasn't filled with depression, I thought I'd be empty.

 

As we all know, mindful meditation is very good for correcting the habit of too much thinking going 'round and 'round....

[Nadia]

I can totally relate. If you don't mind, let me share a few things about my own process. For many years I saw myself as a tortured soul and part of me loved it, and part of me was deeply shamed by it. I overreacted emotionally to events and converstations (internally). Some of this is the legacy of a narcisstic father who abandoned me. Some of this was due to being young.

 

I was in therapy for several years. When therapy got to the point that my therapist was saying "it is time to stop being a victim". I got scared. So the thinking part of me took over and I reasoned that I should no longer see my therapist because I happened to know that she was having an affair with another therapist in the practice and they were both married. How could I possibly accept advice from someone who would commit adultery! I was proud of my moral indignation but beneath I knew I was a coward. And then just around the corner was dumb middle aged white psychiatrist (read FATHER FIGURE) with a prescription pad and plenty of sympathy for the victimization I suffered.

 

I was diagnosed with PTSD. So I didn't take ADs for depression. I took them to supress feelings. I had so many feelings I was stuffing that I walked around feeling as if I was about to burst at any second.

 

When I went cold turkey from all the drugs was when I finally found myself. I know what you are going through emotionally. Even one year out, there were times when I couldn't figure out what emotion 1 + emotion 2 equaled. I struggled with causality. I would have long monologues in my head about something that happened to me in the past, and I would repeat that story mentally to myself over and over again. It was if my mind and emotions where a jigsaw puzzle that I had to put together. Part of this was neurological, and part of it was unfinished business that was going on before I went on meds. Once I put the puzzle together, I was a whole person and I no longer craved drama. I was able to achieve this because I no longer wanted to be that tortured soul. I wanted nothing to do with the drugged up zombie I was on pmeds. I never wanted to have to be saved by anyone again. That is what drove me to change.

 

So does this make sense? And one more question: are you the person who was talking about moving to Canada?

 

I don't mind at all! In fact, thank you so much for taking the time to share your experiences with me! I have a lot to say in response, but I think I'll tackle it tomorrow, if work permits...

 

Anyway, I may have been talking about moving to Canada. I certainly have mentioned wanting to move away, and Canada is one of the places I think about.

[Nadia]

I had an epiphany when I realized I was afraid to give up my depression. If I wasn't filled with depression, I thought I'd be empty.

 

As we all know, mindful meditation is very good for correcting the habit of too much thinking going 'round and 'round....

 

Yes... meditation is the only thing I can really do right now I think...

 

Though I also think I have to accept myself as a hyper-thinking, hyper-feeling being... because trying to avoid thinking is just falling into the same trap!

 

More on that soon...

[Whatever]

Nadia: I know you have a lot to respond to, so sorry if I am adding to the load.

 

The reason I asked about moving, is because during my WD process I decided to move to another state. I lost everything I had because of polypharmacy. When my head started to get clear I started to prepare to go back to the life I had in Chicago. Then I realized that since I had nothing, I could actually do whatever I wanted. I realized that part of my problem leading up to taking pmeds was that I was not living the live I wanted to live, I was living the life my Father thought I should live, which included everything from having certain types of jobs and dating specific types of men. I admitted to myself that I always hated living in Chicago, I never felt I belonged there. So, I picked a couple of cities that I always loved and did a lot of research. I decided to move to NYC. I also decided to stand firm in this decision and not listen to all the naysayers out there who told me it was a risky thing to do. When I was on the train and it started to pull out of Illinois I cryed so so deeply, because I was so happy to start a life that was the one that I WANTED TO LIVE, not the one my Father wanted me to live.

 

So sometimes what holds us back are others expectations and others naysaying. In all the thinking you do - you really need to pay attention to where those thoughts are coming from. And ultimately you should listed to yourself above others. When I realized that when I denied my intuition or denied red flags, and take other peoples advice, things always ended up badly and exactly as my intuition told me to. I now know to listen to my intuition.

[Barbarannamated]

Nadia: I know you have a lot to respond to, so sorry if I am adding to the load.

 

The reason I asked about moving, is because during my WD process I decided to move to another state. I lost everything I had because of polypharmacy. When my head started to get clear I started to prepare to go back to the life I had in Chicago. Then I realized that since I had nothing, I could actually do whatever I wanted. I realized that part of my problem leading up to taking pmeds was that I was not living the live I wanted to live, I was living the life my Father thought I should live, which included everything from having certain types of jobs and dating specific types of men. I admitted to myself that I always hated living in Chicago, I never felt I belonged there. So, I picked a couple of cities that I always loved and did a lot of research. I decided to move to NYC. I also decided to stand firm in this decision and not listen to all the naysayers out there who told me it was a risky thing to do. When I was on the train and it started to pull out of Illinois I cryed so so deeply, because I was so happy to start a life that was the one that I WANTED TO LIVE, not the one my Father wanted me to live.

 

So sometimes what holds us back are others expectations and others naysaying. In all the thinking you do - you really need to pay attention to where those thoughts are coming from. And ultimately you should listed to yourself above others. When I realized that when I denied my intuition or denied red flags, and take other peoples advice, things always ended up badly and exactly as my intuition told me to. I now know to listen to my intuition.

 

Whatever ~

Q: How did you fund that huge move after losing everything

I KNOW I need to move but have very little money and really nowhere to go where I 'have someone'

Im talking to husband about me going to stay with his sister's family about an hour away ~i can't live in this solitary confinement ive been in for 10 years or more ~

Sorry …im treading on someone's thread again -Nadia

[Nadia]

Tread on this thread all you want, Barb! I mean it! I like a good conversation. I'm curious about the answers to those questions as well.

 

Thanks for the extra stuff, Whatever... this is probably what is causing me the greatest anxiety. For the 5 and a half years I've been back "home" (as in, where I grew up), I've wanted to leave, even though I have desperately also tried to see the good side of being here. At the same time, I sometimes wonder if my instinct to leave is just wanting to run away from myself. I think in the past few days I decided it didn't matter, because if I go against my instinct and force staying, I will never be happy. As soon as the job I'm doing now finishes later this year, I plan on going on a trip by myself to try to see how I feel about myself and my life. I know this endangers any plan to have a child, and that is a very painful thought, but at the same time, what kind of a mother would I be if I'm miserable? I need to let go of the idea of having a child and just trust that later, if it's meant to be, it will happen... well, I don't really believe things are "meant to be", but what I mean is, if it does happen, let it happen out of joy and a natural desire, instead of a fear of it being too late to do it any other way. [i say this but part of me is still not willing to let it go just yet... I told my boyfriend we should not force it but if it happens naturally before I leave it wouldn't be such a bad thing and I'll figure out the leaving here part with child and all. I just crave to live in a more beautiful place with more trees, some place I don't feel "stuck". Not sure how to afford it, though, or how to go about work papers and such, but step one is figuring out where I want that place to be and then working toward it.]

 

I really relate to what you say about doing what you think others expect you to... I think I have used it as an excuse to not face my fears of failure about making my own dreams come true. I used to know what those dreams were, lately I've been so dead to them, so tired and lazy (probably the laziness is a form of subconscious fear), that I have a hard time knowing what direction to go in. Also, I'm older now and maybe some of those dreams have changed or evolved. The past couple of days I felt like the sense of what I wanted, some seed of desire, was being reborn.

 

I'm impatient with myself, I've also realized once again. Since I was having some improvement in the depression area, I feel like I should be OK now. I have to constantly remind myself that it's OK to not figure it all out at once or be better all at once, or to figure out my life all at once (this is a life-long issue with me... I set myself up for failure by expecting too much of myself and then it's a vicious circle). Again, back to the meditating!

 

My commitment to myself for now: work on expanding my sense of self. I realize I have turned it off and conformed to what others want of me (especially with work and family--though they would say I've always been the freak I wanted to be and don't conform at all!)... maybe in subtle ways, but enough so that I've felt deadened and uninteresting. I commit to being more faithful to my true desires. Right now that just means breathing and feeling and caring a bit less about how others see me.

[Whatever]

I had filed bankruptcy and had no debt. And I got fired from a high paying job and was able to collect unemployment which I saved. I was living with my Mom is a small depressed area and eventually worked two retail jobs that were seasonal, so when that ended I was able to go back on unemployment. The benefit amount the second time around was based on my previous high paying job. Also, I sold almost everything I owned, from furniture, to my tv to never used kitchen appliances and expensive hangers from the Container Store. Just that alone earned me $5000.

 

I moved to NY with just clothes, a laptop and a few good cookbooks (since I love to cook). I took a train which only cost $125.00. I had found a temporary housing for students that was very cheap.

 

That is how I funded it.

[Nadia]

I've been swamped in work and extremely stressed, but just wanted to post that I've been feeling better. Having so much work helps keeps the depression at bay. It made my anxiety worse, and my sleep had been pretty awful, but then out of the blue last night I slept 7 1/2 hours straight! My second night of 7 hours or more since early November (I've been averaging about 4 or 5). Honestly, I can't figure out why, since I was really stressed and had trouble falling asleep.

 

I know it will be erratic again, but this has to be a good sign!

[tezza]

I'm very happy that you're feeling better. I didn't find your good news before replying back on my thread to you. It's wonderful that you got that good sleep. I sincerely hope it continues to improve for you.

[Barbarannamated]

I've been swamped in work and extremely stressed, but just wanted to post that I've been feeling better. Having so much work helps keeps the depression at bay. It made my anxiety worse, and my sleep had been pretty awful,

 

Nadia ~

That's great news

[alexjuice]

I've been swamped in work and extremely stressed, but just wanted to post that I've been feeling better. Having so much work helps keeps the depression at bay. It made my anxiety worse, and my sleep had been pretty awful, but then out of the blue last night I slept 7 1/2 hours straight! My second night of 7 hours or more since early November (I've been averaging about 4 or 5). Honestly, I can't figure out why, since I was really stressed and had trouble falling asleep.

 

Terrific to get a better night's sleep, Nadia.

 

How do you feel about the work stress? Is it stressful but satisfying or exciting? I've found that my feeling state in stress plays a part in the atress's effect on me. For instance, all out FEARSTRESS! is never good. But a stressful conversation ending in desired resolution seems beneficial, especially if I try to focus on the opportunity for growth during the anticipatory phase and after focus on the good feelings in confronting the unpleasant situation.

 

Alex

[Nadia]

How do you feel about the work stress? Is it stressful but satisfying or exciting? I've found that my feeling state in stress plays a part in the atress's effect on me. For instance, all out FEARSTRESS! is never good. But a stressful conversation ending in desired resolution seems beneficial, especially if I try to focus on the opportunity for growth during the anticipatory phase and after focus on the good feelings in confronting the unpleasant situation.

 

I totally know what you mean... it's like, if you are generally happy, you're a lot more likely to feel OK about putting up with anxiety, lack of sleep, etc. I felt that way when I was away for a month working.

 

Today I'm hating my job... they are making me do more than my share, and I'm having a really hard time drawing lines. I say no and then eventually give in. I always am too eager to please. I need to have the anger calm a bit and then approach this in a more rational manner. (I go back and forth about my reactions lately... sometimes I realize I'm getting angry or overly stressed for no reason, or just because I don't want to be doing this job period, so I have to make sure that I get my feelings straight and make sure I defend what needs to be defended and not more, or I will lose effectiveness and respect.)

 

Anyway, I guess my improved sleep is a sign that it's been good stress for the most part. I wouldn't say quite exciting, as I feel completely unappreciated and I'd rather be working on something else... but I guess there is some self-satisfaction in a job well done. I did get positive feedback from one person, which was nice. Last night I slept 6 hours and then was able to doze off for a couple more. So that's two nights in a row of better sleep! Whatever it is, I hope it continues!

[Nadia]

Emotional/sensory overload.

 

In general I'm doing much better with the depression and depersonalization. My sleep the past two nights has not been as good as before, but has not been awful either.

 

Today I had a long discussion with a friend/colleague that left me both inspired and emotionally raw and then... depressed. Depressed at how emotional I got and how no one seems to understand. Suddenly I felt like I needed to be alone (I was going to go out), and not have anyone judging me. I feel like there is this newborn me in the works, and it is so, so vulnerable and fragile.

 

Now my back hurts in that weird way and I just feel so strange.

 

I'm so tired. I think I'm going to go to bed.

[Nadia]

Well, my sleep gradually went downhill again. The past four nights I wake up after about an hour and a half. Then after that I'm able to go to sleep again (not very deeply), but keep waking up. My guess is after each sleep cycle as it is every one to two hours. My sleep is light and full of dreams. At dawn I start getting anxiety, strange, intense memories, some dread, very uncomfortable sensations, obsessive thoughts.

 

I have been swamped in work and feel very stressed, so that is probably a factor. I wonder also how much it has to do with my menstrual cycle... PMS and such.

 

My depression has been all right, thankfully... but if I don't get some good rest soon I think I'm going to go downhill on that as well.

 

At night I've been dizzy again, and yesterday during the day as well.

 

I pore over my notes trying to find patterns with what I ate, my cycle, what I did, outside stressors... sometimes I think I see a pattern but then it all is just random.

 

Nothing to do but accept and wait, I guess.

[Nadia]

I just read that:

 

"Adrenaline and cortisol work together during stressful times to create memories of emotional events. You've probably experienced an event that felt so emotionally charged that it seems forever burned into your memory as if it just happened. This is called a flash bulb memory and probably serves as a protective device - a powerful reminder of what you want to avoid." (http://www.holistic-mindbody-healing.com/effects-of-cortisol.html)

 

Hmm... I wonder if this has something to do with why I wake up with crazy, random, really intense memories and sensations? I sometimes think it is my brain sorting itself out, but maybe it's just the cortisol and adrenaline?

[Altostrata]

I'd put it down to the stress and the increased cortisol reactivity. And maybe your hormonal cycle.

 

Does this happen regularly? A lot of people have trouble when pre-menstrual. Even before drugs, I often had a night of insomnia before my period.

 

(Saw in another topic you're waiting for this job to end. Can you work part-time for a while?)

[Nickie]

Thank you, Myx0...

 

Today when I was on the metro I saw a man without legs pulling himself on a cart, and then on the steps of the metro station a woman with a huge malformation of her spine going up the steps one by one, ever so slowly, with a bucket of soap and water to wash the steps (she was a subway worker). I thought, if they can get up every day and try, I HAVE to. I have spent too much time wanting a magic solution (especially after 16 years of getting it in a small pill). I can hit my head against the wall wishing things were different, or just do my best to accept things and try to improve them. I'm still about 90% despair (today is one of the better days I've had in months), but I'm trying. I suppose any of us who are on here are fighting the battle. I like what it says in your signature, "battling for the sun". Thank you for your regard and encouragement. I send you mine as well!

 

 

Hi Nadia,

 

Thank you for all your posts, your story gives me hope. Your history is similar to mine, and the fact that you made it through this awfulness and are doing better in about a year or so is hopeful for me. I am in the middle of the blackness now, exactly as you describe... depersonalization (awful, awful, awful), anhedonia, weakness, tiredness, anxiety mixed with foggy apathy, depression, ... oh well, you know the drill. The worst is this sense that I don't remember what it feels like to be me anymore, and my husband and little ones seem almost unfamiliar to me these days. Reading that you experienced similar, but are mostly through that phase gives me hope. What you said above is how I feel too - so many have battles like this all their lives, I at least have hope that it will improve someday. It's good to accept things, and enjoy even those little and fleeting good moments.

 

Thank you.

I just want to get back to taking care of my beloved family again (sob).

Nickie. (right know aka Medsnstv, but hoping to change my screen name)

[Nadia]

Just thought I'd post a quick update...

 

Things had continued about the same lately... so-so sleep... on most days about 5 hours, and then able to drift off a bit for a couple more hours before the morning anxiety hits (but interspersed with days of awful sleep). I started feeling a bit depressed again and on some days less anxious. It's a gradual thing, I start catching myself having suicidal thoughts, or just wondering why anyone bothers with life. I know I need to let go and meditate and just continue on and let it sort itself out.

 

On Friday I got a massage for the first time in a couple of months and I felt so depressed afterward because my massage therapist said I think too much and he seemed annoyed. It made me depressed because I know it's true, but I'm doing the very best I can. I guess it made me feel lonely, because there is really no one around me that understands what I'm going through. I slept pretty well that night, though, and woke up with much less anxiety. I gave myself a B12/B1/B6 shot... that day I felt more energy. At night I didn't have the feverish headache I've been having for a while now, or the body aches and general feeling of malaise. I slept better than I had in a while, and was able to sleep in even (not fully sleep, but I could doze off a bit and wasn't jumping out of my body because of that burning in the veins feeling). Then yesterday I was so tired all day, and at night I felt just awful: headache, body aches, feeling like I had a fever without having one. Almost like I was coming down with the flu, but I'm not actually sick. (I get this now and then, but this was more extreme.) I was so tired it was hard to go to sleep; that feeling when you are so irritable and everything feels bothersome, but once asleep I was OK. I slept about 6 hours! And then stayed in bed another 5 feeling exhausted. I feel tired and depressed and strange today, and have a headache (too much sleep?), but am relieved at having a rest from the anxiety. I am so tempted to lie around in bed all day, but I know that will make me feel more depressed, so I'm going out for a walk. I have a lot of work to do, but somehow it doesn't even seem important. It's such a contrast to the extreme anxiety I usually feel when there is anything to do work-wise!

 

So in a lot of ways this feels like an improvement, even if I feel so tired and sick and even depressed! I remember feeling this extreme irritable tiredness when I was on vacation as well. I hope this means I'm coming out of the bad anxiety/insomnia cycle!

[Nadia]

Oh, the other thing is I keep on thinking about taking DHEA. I think I'm going to make an appointment with my gynecologist and hope he can test for it to see what my levels are. I do suspect part of what I'm going through is hormonal, even though last time I got my hormones checked they were supposedly normal.

[Altostrata]

I'd take the increased number of good-sleep nights as a positive, N.

 

Give yourself a break for feeling low-energy and down. You're going through a lot, and splendidly.

 

And I'd ask that massage therapist to be supportive -- you don't need criticism from a caregiver right now!

[Nadia]

Thanks, Alto.

 

This morning I was back to the early waking and anxiety... I guess at least I'm getting some variety so I won't get bored, but I think I prefer the tired and sick to the anxious almost!

 

Except I guess the anxiety will come in handy to get me motivated for work.

 

*sigh*

[tezza]

Hi Nadia, I'm sorry things aren't going so well. I had a teaser morning, yesterday. Today I woke around four again, blah... I was so excited about sleeping past 6:30 too. Maybe it was something to do with the sun or moon today. Just maybe we will both get a decent night tonight.

 

I ordered some phosphatidylserine...are you able to get that or try it yet?

[Nadia]

Hi Tezza,

 

Thanks for the support!

 

Yes, I have been taking Seriphos (phophorylated serine) for two months now. This is my second "round" of it. I took it for two months before and felt it made a difference (I take one at bedtime and one each time I wake up in the middle of the night). I had gotten to a point where I was better, and the two nights after I stopped taking it my sleep declined considerably... but then I went on vacation and it got much, much better, along with the anxiety, so I thought maybe it helped "reset" my cortisol. I sensed it helped me enough that when I had another downturn three months ago I decided to try it again.

 

I'm not doing well lately. Dread, anxiety, exhaustion, forgetfulness, depression, body aches, feeling like I'm crawling out of my skin, irritated, angry, headaches (now all day)... my hope is at a low. My mother told me today she despairs of seeing me like this, that we have to put a stop to it somehow. But what else can I do? I think I'm going to go back to the gynecologist as I think I'm having some hormonal changes and wonder if I could take DHEA, but other than that, what can I do but keep going? And still, I really just want to give up. But I can't. I couldn't do it to my family. But I feel envious when I hear about people suddenly dying in accidents or from heart attacks or whatever. How lucky of them, I think.

 

I keep trying to concentrate on the progress I've made, and think "I don't have to feel better to do things, I have to do things to feel better." Or just keep going and ignore the bad stuff. But I find my dedication wavering... I just can't see the result of anything I do right now... I know intellectually all the stuff I do... walks, breathing, positive thinking, eating healthy, staying active, etc. probably helps in the long run, but since it doesn't seem to matter for the ups and downs on a day to day basis (except sometimes) it contributes to my hopelessness. This is not at all a 2+2=4 situation. And yes... the "teaser" nights... it is so discouraging when you have an upswing and things are looking better and then you go right back down.

 

If only I knew what I wanted, could find some inspiration, something to work for, to help get me through this. But I feel so lost.

[tezza]

I feel everything you described, Nadia. Those are the same adjectives I use. I'm losing hope too and feel so lost and lonely. Like you, I'm doing all I can or know to do. But, still, we must hold on to that little sliver of hope. That's all we have...I know how hard it is, but we just have to believe we will somehow make it. We are tired in the battle but I'm praying for strength for us both to endure these downward spirals. I wish I could change things for you, me and all. It all just seems unfair. We can make it, though, because we are strong. We've made it this far and we can't give up now. Together we will survive! {{{HUGS}}}

[spectio]

Hi, Nadia, and Tezza, just thought I'd throw my two cents in here too. The headaches the last couple of weeks have been almost intolerable. I always wondered how migraine sufferers coped. I pretty much do what you do, Nadia for them; I drink more water. If they get really bad, I'll take an ibuprofen. That never really makes them go away but maybe dulles them a bit. Started doing magnesium off and on during the day. That may be helping the nervousness. For me it seems like if one symptom mutes, another symptom grows in severity.

 

It seems to be it doesn't matter what you do, it ei ther doesn't help at all or the symptoms get worse. Nadia, you commented on starting dhea. After I had my acupuncturist run his version of adrenal hormone tests, he recommended starting dhea. I used it for four days at a very low dose until Alto warned me the tests themselves probably were bogus; so I stopped the dhea. For the next four days, I had pains in one of my breasts. I'd never even felt pain there before . So, get good valid tests first before you start any pre-hormone. There's nothing like making the bad, even worse! I know, how can that be!

 

Please stay here with us, we need your tough spirit! You have been an inspiration to me!

 

Tezza, got your personal message request. I'm here, but just like a lot of us, pretty much walking the walk one step at a time. Thanks for checking up on me! Did you have any specific questions?

[tezza]

Wow spectio, I don't remember doing a request, but my memory isn't the best. I must have just been checking on you.

 

Spectio is right about how much we need you, Nadia. Hang on, please...we all need each other here.

[Nickie]

Oh Nadia, I'm SO sorry to hear you are going through this!

 

All I can say is that you made it through a really rough patch before, and you can make it through this one too. These horrible feelings/sypmtoms are only temporary, hold onto that. This WILL pass.

 

Stay strong.

Nickie.

[Altostrata]

I have sometimes found taking a low dose of magnesium can relieve a headache.

[Nadia]

Thanks guys, I'm hanging in there. Have not had time to post because of work and other crazy stuff. I'm pretty convinced now that I'm entering perimenopause (cycle irregularity; family history), but I have an appointment with a fertility expert next week. I'm feeling sad and moody, plenty of morning anxiety on most days, but my depression has lifted a bit.

 

I do wonder how many of us here with high AM cortisol/insomnia are women who might also be having mid-life hormonal changes. Double-whammy combined with the withdrawal, argh.

[tezza]

I've had a hysterectomy. I believe the whole WD process is affected by hormonal changes or lack of hormones.

 

It's good to hear that you're feeling some better.

[Nadia]

Hi Tezza, thanks for the response. Varying or low hormones I'm sure wreak all sorts of havoc. Now that I've been looking into it, I'm struck by the similarities between menopausal and perimenopausal symptoms and AD withdrawal symptoms: dizziness, trouble sleeping, anxiety, moodiness, headaches, dry eyes, hot flashes, depression, etc.

 

I hope for me it's just withdrawal, because I'm still really bent on having a baby in this lifetime!

[angie007]

Oh Nadia,

 

Thank you for posting this, it helps me to feel " more normal", as im going through exactly the same thing, its a hard thing to try and explain, but you did a superb job of it and mirrored my feelings so , so well.

Hang on in there, we have gone through so much, this just HAS TO PASS, just like other things have, sometimes its hard to see the progress we have made,

when feeling like this. It maybe " raining now, but the SUN will come out " just like it has before when we have experienced hard times.

Keep strong my friend and keep walking through, you are among some of the strongest, nicest people you could meet ------right here!!!!

[Barbarannamated]

Nadia -

can't find your post about the article "If you have to prove youre ill you cant get better" but I Googled and

it is by NM HADLER and was in Spine - couldnt get to Full Text-

Looks like it's about Work Comp back injuries and I cant read anything about that -