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☼ Nadia: There is hope!


Nadia

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Thanks gals. I'm going for another soak in the tub tonight with fingers crossed!

'94-'08 On/off ADs. Mostly Zoloft & Wellbutrin, but also Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, etc.
6/08 quit Z & W after tapering, awful anxiety 3 mos. later, reinstated.
11/10 CTed. Severe anxiety 3 mos. later & @ 8 mos. much worse (set off by metronidazole). Anxiety, depression, anhedonia, DP, DR, dizziness, severe insomnia, high serum AM cortisol, flu-like feelings, muscle discomfort.
9/11-9/12 Waves and windows of recovery.
10/12 Awful relapse, DP/DR. Hydrocortisone?
11/12 Improved fairly quickly even though relapse was one of worst waves ever.

1/13 Best I've ever felt.

3/13 A bit of a relapse... then faster and shorter waves and windows.

4/14 Have to watch out for triggers, but feel completely normal about 80% of the time.

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Hi all, I'm posting this more for me than for anyone, so I can track my progress. Last night after the Epsom salts bath I was able to sleep a five hour stretch again. After that, the morning was not so great, but not the worst either. In some ways I felt really down, though, because the day before I had achieved (during the day) a level of calm that seemed so real that I thought I might sleep through the whole night and be OK. So having the panic waves in the morning (which at this point feel mostly physical and which I'm realizing I can calm down some by taking one really slow and deep breath when they are coming on) got me down.

 

Still, I went for a 45 min. walk and then did 1/2 hour of pilates and then 15 min. of meditation. I was depressed, but on an up-spiral.

 

Then it all came crashing down when I got a notice from the government about having to turn in tons of paperwork for a tax thing. Really, it's something I expected to happen, because the govt. here is trying what it can not to give tax refunds, but it sent me into a panic attack because I'm really going to need that money in the face of everything that is happening. I had lunch with my parents and my dad said, "don't let it get to you" because it's just "regular life stuff", but I just couldn't control it. I took action and started collecting the papers and making phone calls and everything, even though I felt like I couldn't. Now I've calmed myself enough that I'm working, but I've got the dizziness and tight chest and clenched jaw and am just so afraid I won't sleep tonight. I have a hard time with tricking myself into thinking positive. I've also got a lot of work stress right now because I'm really behind on a deadline.

 

I'm going to do another bath tonight and try lots of positive affirmations. Sometimes I just feel like I am in a bubble of a nightmare that no one else can see. Detaching from the anxiety and the bad thoughts is so exhausting... it makes sleep so much more important and yet elusive.

 

But I'm hanging in here.

'94-'08 On/off ADs. Mostly Zoloft & Wellbutrin, but also Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, etc.
6/08 quit Z & W after tapering, awful anxiety 3 mos. later, reinstated.
11/10 CTed. Severe anxiety 3 mos. later & @ 8 mos. much worse (set off by metronidazole). Anxiety, depression, anhedonia, DP, DR, dizziness, severe insomnia, high serum AM cortisol, flu-like feelings, muscle discomfort.
9/11-9/12 Waves and windows of recovery.
10/12 Awful relapse, DP/DR. Hydrocortisone?
11/12 Improved fairly quickly even though relapse was one of worst waves ever.

1/13 Best I've ever felt.

3/13 A bit of a relapse... then faster and shorter waves and windows.

4/14 Have to watch out for triggers, but feel completely normal about 80% of the time.

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Nadia: I wish I could say something to help. Your dad is right, but it's not easy to just take advice, I know that all too well. You did awesome to do the walk, pilates, meditation. Give yourself some credit for doing that, you were very strong and courageous to accomplish those acts of kindness to yourself. Positive affirmations....... Try not to let the *****'s get to you. I will send calm thoughts to you tonight....... You achieved a level of calm yesterday, so you are capable and it is within you grasp. It's hard isn't it. My day wasn't so great either. up, down, up, down. I'm tring to believe it will get a bit easier each day.

On antidepressants since October 1997 including: Paxil, Celexa, Cipralex, Effexor (a couple of days only, horrible stuff.....), Pristiq 50 mg.

Started to taper off Pristiq Feb 2011, last pill April 9, 2011

Take the occassional Clonazapam when morning anxiety too much to handle.

Post menopausal - started low dose BHRT 27July10

Reinstated 5mg of Escitalopram (Cipralex), 2 Aug 2010

Stopped taking BHRT 19Aug11

Increased to 10 mg Cipralex 19Aug11

Increased to 15 mg Cipralex 29Aug11

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Thanks for the positive thoughts!

'94-'08 On/off ADs. Mostly Zoloft & Wellbutrin, but also Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, etc.
6/08 quit Z & W after tapering, awful anxiety 3 mos. later, reinstated.
11/10 CTed. Severe anxiety 3 mos. later & @ 8 mos. much worse (set off by metronidazole). Anxiety, depression, anhedonia, DP, DR, dizziness, severe insomnia, high serum AM cortisol, flu-like feelings, muscle discomfort.
9/11-9/12 Waves and windows of recovery.
10/12 Awful relapse, DP/DR. Hydrocortisone?
11/12 Improved fairly quickly even though relapse was one of worst waves ever.

1/13 Best I've ever felt.

3/13 A bit of a relapse... then faster and shorter waves and windows.

4/14 Have to watch out for triggers, but feel completely normal about 80% of the time.

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Just got back from acupuncture and am feeling a bit blue but overall SO much better. Right afterwards I even felt GOOD... mostly in the form of RELIEF

 

Last night I woke up at 4 which means I got about 4 1/2 hours of sleep. It wasn't good sleep, very troubled, but my mother reminded me that a lot of people survive just fine on 4 hours of sleep a night. I was feeling pretty negative about everything in the morning, but went on a walk, did my exercises... and then stubbornly got back in bed with my boyfriend (who is a total night owl... he goes to bed around 4am and doesn't get up until noon... I am sleeping in a different room and it seems he's made his schedule even more extreme in response, I don't know how this bodes for our relationship). I didn't fully sleep, but I wanted to see if I got those "dread" feelings while trying to sleep, and if I did, I wanted to see if I could "conquer" them by accepting them. I did have the dread, and tried to explore it mentally to see what it was. Limited success. I got up feeling like it was a mistake to have done it, but then about an hour later I was in a better mood than I have been in for a while. The acupuncture completed the up-spiral. Still, I think I should stick to getting out of bed and not sleeping until night time.

 

I'm trying my best to "expand" this moment of OKness by meditating on it and NOT thinking too much. I'm trying to do it in a way that is not too much struggle... I realize I have been in a constant fight against my anxiety and fatigue. Not really sure how to embrace it. Maybe I'll re-read some The Power of Now.

'94-'08 On/off ADs. Mostly Zoloft & Wellbutrin, but also Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, etc.
6/08 quit Z & W after tapering, awful anxiety 3 mos. later, reinstated.
11/10 CTed. Severe anxiety 3 mos. later & @ 8 mos. much worse (set off by metronidazole). Anxiety, depression, anhedonia, DP, DR, dizziness, severe insomnia, high serum AM cortisol, flu-like feelings, muscle discomfort.
9/11-9/12 Waves and windows of recovery.
10/12 Awful relapse, DP/DR. Hydrocortisone?
11/12 Improved fairly quickly even though relapse was one of worst waves ever.

1/13 Best I've ever felt.

3/13 A bit of a relapse... then faster and shorter waves and windows.

4/14 Have to watch out for triggers, but feel completely normal about 80% of the time.

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So, just a not-so-quick update. I think I am doing better! At least this hour, and after a lot of struggle. On Saturday I got a wonderful massage that really relaxed me and even made me feel good. For the first time in a really long time I felt that, if nothing else, there was this one thing to live for: the pleasure of a massage. It really surprised me that I was able to feel that much pleasure. I tried concentrating on the good feelings to "expand" them. Not too much, not forcing it, but thinking about what others have said about "nuerons that fire together wire together". [As an aside... I certainly think it is true, even though I have mostly had negative examples of it... for example, I often can't stand the smell of my apartment anymore, and pull away from my boyfriend and everything in my life, because I have now come to associate things will this awful dread and anxiety I feel. But if it can work for negative, it can work for positive.]

 

I got home from the massage, and even pulled out my djembe drum, which I had not touched in months. It felt good to play it, even though at one point the sound bouncing from the walls made me think I was hearing voices, and they were saying negative things like "poison"... but I tried to revert it. I tried letting go of this fearful way I've been living lately... trying to do everything so darn precisely so as to keep the anxiety/dread/depersonalization monster at bay. I realized I was doing everything without joy, just out of desperation. Well, sometimes it's the only way you CAN do it, but I think maybe I was causing myself more stress... for example, I decided I had to play "brain games" and puzzles and such to activate my neurogenesis. But I was so scared while I was doing them that it was stressing me out MORE.

 

However, when I played my drum I found it enjoyable. Which is a luxury place I got to really only thanks to the massage. While I played I tried to concentrate on the wildness of the universe, how there's good and bad, peace and violence, suffering and pleasure all thrown in together, and all of it has its place and is OK. How I'm not going to get any better by rejecting the bad stuff and just desperately reaching for the good stuff. It made me wonder if I should switch my approach... not live like such a little old lady and go out more and be with friends. But about an hour later I was exhausted and frayed. I realize I have to do things aiming toward more joy, but also take it easy and do baby steps.

 

That night I hoped I would sleep uninterrupted for a solid block of hours, but no. I woke up several times throughout the night. However, the moments I did sleep were much deeper than they had been. In the morning I got larger panic waves (I know they are really strong when they feel like my blood is burning), but I was still able to keep them physical and not mental. In the morning I went for a walk and even broke out in a small, short jog that made me feel much less anxious for about a half hour afterward. I did my wuss pilates and then tried to get to work. The rest of the day was tough. I felt sore from the massage (which was expected, I was told to drink lots of water to eliminate toxins), and really grumpy. I was on day three of the SCD/GAPs intro diet and so hungry, but so sick of what I had to eat. I was getting more and more depressed, and so tired. I tried taking a nap and got the horror/dread thing, but fought it and just lay down for a while. I was unable to sleep, and was really on a down-turn when I forced myself to go to some friends' house and play Scrabble. The whole time I had these horrible feelings of dread and doom and weirdness, but I stuck with it, and think I did better than if I had stayed home. My friends had chocolate covered cookies and it was so hard not to eat any. Especially since it's been months and months since I've actually wanted to eat sweets! It made me think again about the doing things with joy thing, and made me wonder if I wasn't being too ascetic. I settled on "this is temporary and so far it HAS improved your acidity and digestion, so stick with it".

 

I was afraid when I went to sleep at night (after a short magnesium sulfate bath... I was so tired I almost skipped it) that I wasn't going to sleep well at all. Amazingly, I slept from 11pm to 3:30am, and then dozed off for moments until 5:30am. Then I just lay in bed trying to quell anxious thoughts and feelings until 7am (I have to think of something alternative to do, even though it feels so cold to get out of bed). I had to go deal with IRS stuff then, and was really not looking forward to it, but did my utmost to be positive. I got there early and then sat in a café and meditated for 20 minutes. The appointment went well, I tried to smile and be thankful that things turned out OK (I was afraid I was going to be really cranky). Then I went home, did my pilates (really had to force myself), and then came here, even though I think I should limit my visits and concentrate more on work. I realize I'm feeling better right now, certainly better than yesterday. I realize it's probable I'm going to be really tired later today, and will have new down spirals to deal with. But all in all, I feel more rested than I had in a while. Tomorrow I have acupuncture, and on Wednesday I'm going back for another massage. I suppose I'm being cautiously optimistic.

 

On Wednesday my boyfriend leaves for a work trip for over a month. In some ways I'd been looking forward to this, as I feel like I've been such a drag and distant from him, but now that the time is here I'm also anxious and afraid about being alone. I asked him to find someone to take care of his cat, which has been a huge issue with my living space. The cat caterwauls continuously almost all day, this really demanding, horrible meow, and it frays my nerves to the point sometimes I have a complete breakdown. I feel guilty that I'm not being more tolerant, but I finally got up the guts to ask him to find a place for the cat while he is gone, and he did, and I am very grateful. I'm going to try to use this time to heal and figure things out.

'94-'08 On/off ADs. Mostly Zoloft & Wellbutrin, but also Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, etc.
6/08 quit Z & W after tapering, awful anxiety 3 mos. later, reinstated.
11/10 CTed. Severe anxiety 3 mos. later & @ 8 mos. much worse (set off by metronidazole). Anxiety, depression, anhedonia, DP, DR, dizziness, severe insomnia, high serum AM cortisol, flu-like feelings, muscle discomfort.
9/11-9/12 Waves and windows of recovery.
10/12 Awful relapse, DP/DR. Hydrocortisone?
11/12 Improved fairly quickly even though relapse was one of worst waves ever.

1/13 Best I've ever felt.

3/13 A bit of a relapse... then faster and shorter waves and windows.

4/14 Have to watch out for triggers, but feel completely normal about 80% of the time.

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Your resolution is exemplary. Even if the outcome is not really here, your perseverance makes you dignified and admirable. I know it's not really the point and doesn't lessen your suffering. I just wanted to adress you my best regard and encouragement.

First AD -sertraline- in 2007at the age of 13 because of child abuse

2009-2013: intricate story of multiple wds, meds and cts, gradually became a living mess

Feb 2013: last CT from a cocktail of four drugs, symptoms are relenting but witness a constant sharpening of the brain

 

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Thank you, Myx0...

 

Today when I was on the metro I saw a man without legs pulling himself on a cart, and then on the steps of the metro station a woman with a huge malformation of her spine going up the steps one by one, ever so slowly, with a bucket of soap and water to wash the steps (she was a subway worker). I thought, if they can get up every day and try, I HAVE to. I have spent too much time wanting a magic solution (especially after 16 years of getting it in a small pill). I can hit my head against the wall wishing things were different, or just do my best to accept things and try to improve them. I'm still about 90% despair (today is one of the better days I've had in months), but I'm trying. I suppose any of us who are on here are fighting the battle. I like what it says in your signature, "battling for the sun". Thank you for your regard and encouragement. I send you mine as well!

'94-'08 On/off ADs. Mostly Zoloft & Wellbutrin, but also Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, etc.
6/08 quit Z & W after tapering, awful anxiety 3 mos. later, reinstated.
11/10 CTed. Severe anxiety 3 mos. later & @ 8 mos. much worse (set off by metronidazole). Anxiety, depression, anhedonia, DP, DR, dizziness, severe insomnia, high serum AM cortisol, flu-like feelings, muscle discomfort.
9/11-9/12 Waves and windows of recovery.
10/12 Awful relapse, DP/DR. Hydrocortisone?
11/12 Improved fairly quickly even though relapse was one of worst waves ever.

1/13 Best I've ever felt.

3/13 A bit of a relapse... then faster and shorter waves and windows.

4/14 Have to watch out for triggers, but feel completely normal about 80% of the time.

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  • Administrator

Nadia, you are an inspiration!

 

Thank you for showing us all how to do it -- to separate our being from our symptoms and work on healing.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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:P Oh, I don't know about an inspiration... but I'm trying. I'm trying not to just expect things to get better. I find it is a complicated mess of things that allow improvement... sometimes you just don't have the strength to have the attitude to do what you need to do, but somehow, though I'm still having a fairly anxiety-filled and gloomy morning, I spiraled up enough to demand from myself not to wallow in thoughts of "this isn't fair" and "there's no hope" (though they are there, believe me). I realized I can't force my feelings to change, I can't just "snap out of it", but I can try to live with it and accept it. I think this has been (and will be) a process of mourning, with all its steps: anger, denial, desperation, etc.

 

Actually my "(and will be)" clause is essential in this. That's the cautious optimism. I know this isn't going to be a steady climb out. I have to not EXPECT the worst, but know that it might happen and surrender to that idea. I'm learning that so much of this is attitude, and finding small moments of respite to have enough energy to work on that attitude. For example, last night I slept almost 6 full hours in one go!! It felt like such a success!! And then I thought... funny, because about two months ago, that was what I was considering total failure to sleep. Before the most severe part of my insomnia and the horrible waves of panic, and that day I could only slightly doze off and rest a few minutes at a time while sitting up, when I was feeling so paralyzed by anxiety that I couldn't handle even the most basic of tasks, before that I was complaining way more about much milder symptoms. Now I'm back to the place that once seemed so horrible, but having been through so much worse it feels like a good thing. Before, each day I was just hoping the bad stuff would go away that afternoon, or the next day... now I realize they are around for a while and I just have to sit with them. There really is no other choice, as angry and upset as that makes me.

 

This morning I'm having quite a bit of anxiety, but so far it's been manageable. I just can't stop going through my whole routine of exercise, meditation, diet, etc. (without demanding results), no matter how painful and difficult it seems. I've always been bad at delayed gratification... but I'm learning little by little.

 

Let's see how long this lasts! It sure helps to be sleeping a bit more. If I have another big no-sleep crisis I might waver. Then I'll come back and read this and hopefully get back on track. And I'll have to remember to forgive myself for not having the strength to fight sometimes.

 

I wish all of us courage and perseverance, from the very bottom of my heart.

'94-'08 On/off ADs. Mostly Zoloft & Wellbutrin, but also Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, etc.
6/08 quit Z & W after tapering, awful anxiety 3 mos. later, reinstated.
11/10 CTed. Severe anxiety 3 mos. later & @ 8 mos. much worse (set off by metronidazole). Anxiety, depression, anhedonia, DP, DR, dizziness, severe insomnia, high serum AM cortisol, flu-like feelings, muscle discomfort.
9/11-9/12 Waves and windows of recovery.
10/12 Awful relapse, DP/DR. Hydrocortisone?
11/12 Improved fairly quickly even though relapse was one of worst waves ever.

1/13 Best I've ever felt.

3/13 A bit of a relapse... then faster and shorter waves and windows.

4/14 Have to watch out for triggers, but feel completely normal about 80% of the time.

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6 hours of sleep is pretty good! Yeah. I'm glad you are looking at it differently, as a positive. Are you going out with friends and trying to have some fun? We need to get out and do things with other people, to take us away from our struggles, if even for short periods of time. We should all try not to make this struggle the centre of our existence (I know it's hard). I'm philosophizing here.....(I was in the crapper yesterday, but today I feel pretty good, and I'm going to hang on to this feeling) I think when we can go out and have fun, even better if it's with other people, it makes us realize it is possible and within our reach to get better. Like the massage you said made you feel so good the other day. I hope you do it again soon. Your perserverance will pay off! (I just wish you felt you were not 90% in despair....I wish and hope that will get better for you Nadia) I send happy and healing thoughts to you as often as I can.

On antidepressants since October 1997 including: Paxil, Celexa, Cipralex, Effexor (a couple of days only, horrible stuff.....), Pristiq 50 mg.

Started to taper off Pristiq Feb 2011, last pill April 9, 2011

Take the occassional Clonazapam when morning anxiety too much to handle.

Post menopausal - started low dose BHRT 27July10

Reinstated 5mg of Escitalopram (Cipralex), 2 Aug 2010

Stopped taking BHRT 19Aug11

Increased to 10 mg Cipralex 19Aug11

Increased to 15 mg Cipralex 29Aug11

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Thanks, E! Same here! When I manage to feel positive I think of you and everyone else that is going through this and wish us all the best.

 

I do try and go out and see people, but it's a bit hard with my schedule now being so different, and me doing this no grains, no sugar diet. My friends are mostly in their mid thirties and healthy and they want to stay up late and do things I used to enjoy but can't now (like eat chocolate, arggg). A couple of friends especially have been very accommodating and understanding when I say I have to go, and try to meet up earlier. I'm still feeling my ground for what I can and can't manage. Sometimes I bite off more than I can chew.

 

For example, last night my boyfriend wanted to watch an episode of Breaking Bad with me, since he was leaving for over a month on a work trip. It's the kind of thing we loved to do before, we both really enjoyed the series. I had just gotten back from acupuncture (which didn't seem to do anything too radical this time, probably because I was fairly stable when I went, but which had me feeling pretty calm and collected), and it was still early and I was feeling like I could handle it. But 5 minutes into the show I was starting to have a panic attack and these horrible feelings of dread. (It wasn't even a particularly violent episode, I can't explain it.) Then I started thinking about my life and feeling like it was the most horrible thing ever. The cat started its caterwauling (sometimes I think it's a reflection of my nervous system!) and I was really freaking out. I asked my boyfriend if we could just go lie on the bed and hug, and we did, and I was able to cry a bit (rare) and then I was able to collect myself enough not to spiral worse into the anxiety.

 

Still, last night I didn't sleep at all... perhaps an hour at most. In part because I was nervous about him leaving, but also because he was up packing and then couldn't find his passport and then the taxi came at 4am. Part of me felt like the world was going to fall apart if I didn't get some sleep, but then I countered it with thinking, so what? It's one night. Today I feel surprisingly OK for not having slept much. I probably would have to have several bad nights in a row again to lose my balance completely... I've been able to fight it today. I took some magnesium to try to calm the anxiety, and it did not sit well with my stomach. I've had really bad diarrhea all morning! But I did my exercises and went for a walk with my mom (I don't think I could have done it alone) and I'm plowing ahead. Trying to stop and listen to my feelings when they come up, but not invite them to stay. Just use the approach your acupuncturist suggested.

 

There have been moments when I feel almost normal in the past few days... they make me think I can handle more than I actually can. I want to relax a bit and not have to be so strict about everything, certainly I want to relax enough not to create more worry. But I also have to remind myself that I am very fragile and must allow myself that. It's hard when other people don't really get what you are going through.

 

I just got offered a job in September that would mean going to Canada for a month. It made me anxious to think about, but in the morning I thought I could handle it. By the afternoon I realized it's going to be too soon and it would be too much stress (as much as a change of scenery would be wonderful).

 

It's complicated to figure out when you are coddling yourself and need to push yourself further, and then when you need to cut yourself some slack and not push yourself further.

 

The only thing I know for certain now, though I'm still dealing emotionally with what it means, is that I have been in a rut of envying other people's lives and happiness, thinking they somehow had something I didn't, inside or outside. We all have our challenges. The only way out of where I am now is to face mine and work at it. Accept and then act. I'm still at the accept now. I'm still really lost about what I would have to change in my life and what I really want. A friend of mine told me to fantasize (which I have been unable to do for so long!)... all I could think, even at my best, was that I wished there was some program where you could sign up and you would go to some sort of camp where they would lead you through all the right steps, in the right environment, to get out of this: exercise, meditation, massage, therapy, food, work... Well, that doesn't exist and if it did, I couldn't afford it, so I have to forge it myself somehow. And I feel lucky for the possibilities and help I have.

'94-'08 On/off ADs. Mostly Zoloft & Wellbutrin, but also Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, etc.
6/08 quit Z & W after tapering, awful anxiety 3 mos. later, reinstated.
11/10 CTed. Severe anxiety 3 mos. later & @ 8 mos. much worse (set off by metronidazole). Anxiety, depression, anhedonia, DP, DR, dizziness, severe insomnia, high serum AM cortisol, flu-like feelings, muscle discomfort.
9/11-9/12 Waves and windows of recovery.
10/12 Awful relapse, DP/DR. Hydrocortisone?
11/12 Improved fairly quickly even though relapse was one of worst waves ever.

1/13 Best I've ever felt.

3/13 A bit of a relapse... then faster and shorter waves and windows.

4/14 Have to watch out for triggers, but feel completely normal about 80% of the time.

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  • Administrator

....

The only thing I know for certain now, though I'm still dealing emotionally with what it means, is that I have been in a rut of envying other people's lives and happiness, thinking they somehow had something I didn't, inside or outside. We all have our challenges. The only way out of where I am now is to face mine and work at it. Accept and then act. I'm still at the accept now. I'm still really lost about what I would have to change in my life and what I really want. A friend of mine told me to fantasize (which I have been unable to do for so long!)... all I could think, even at my best, was that I wished there was some program where you could sign up and you would go to some sort of camp where they would lead you through all the right steps, in the right environment, to get out of this: exercise, meditation, massage, therapy, food, work... Well, that doesn't exist and if it did, I couldn't afford it, so I have to forge it myself somehow. And I feel lucky for the possibilities and help I have.

 

That sounds like a very profound realization. And it also sounds like your boyfriend was very loving when you had that bad wave. How lucky you are, Nadia!

 

I sure would like to go to that recovery spa myself. (Note to self: Buy a lottery ticket, win it, and start spa.) Perhaps we can have a virtual spa here.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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"Perhaps we can have a virtual spa here.

"

 

*Laugh* If nothing else it can count as positive visualization!

 

I AM very lucky to have an incredibly understanding boyfriend. There are many things he can't and probably just won't do (like change his schedule to fit mine), but he has never, ever made me feel like I'm inadequate for what I'm going through, and has been very supportive and helpful, even though I had really withdrawn into taking care of myself and have not been able to socialize with him or give HIM much support.

 

I'm also lucky that I live in Mexico, where I can have very affordable acupuncture and massages. I am so, so thankful for that.

'94-'08 On/off ADs. Mostly Zoloft & Wellbutrin, but also Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, etc.
6/08 quit Z & W after tapering, awful anxiety 3 mos. later, reinstated.
11/10 CTed. Severe anxiety 3 mos. later & @ 8 mos. much worse (set off by metronidazole). Anxiety, depression, anhedonia, DP, DR, dizziness, severe insomnia, high serum AM cortisol, flu-like feelings, muscle discomfort.
9/11-9/12 Waves and windows of recovery.
10/12 Awful relapse, DP/DR. Hydrocortisone?
11/12 Improved fairly quickly even though relapse was one of worst waves ever.

1/13 Best I've ever felt.

3/13 A bit of a relapse... then faster and shorter waves and windows.

4/14 Have to watch out for triggers, but feel completely normal about 80% of the time.

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  • Administrator

Affordable massage and acupuncture sounds like a wonderful luxury.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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Last week, on one of the mornings when I woke up with pretty strong waves of anxiety and that fire burning in my blood sensation, I decided to re-check my AM cortisol. Last time I had it checked it was a bit high, 22µg (the lab says 6 to 19 is normal), but it was before the worst of my anxiety came on. This second time it was 31µg!

 

I'm going to forward my results to my doctor, who, last time I talked to her and told her what I was going through, referred me to a psychiatrist and didn't seem to take the cortisol explanation too seriously. Ha! (Not that there's anything she can do about this, but I hope to let her know what I've learned about antidepressant withdrawal, in the hopes that more doctors start hearing about this.)

'94-'08 On/off ADs. Mostly Zoloft & Wellbutrin, but also Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, etc.
6/08 quit Z & W after tapering, awful anxiety 3 mos. later, reinstated.
11/10 CTed. Severe anxiety 3 mos. later & @ 8 mos. much worse (set off by metronidazole). Anxiety, depression, anhedonia, DP, DR, dizziness, severe insomnia, high serum AM cortisol, flu-like feelings, muscle discomfort.
9/11-9/12 Waves and windows of recovery.
10/12 Awful relapse, DP/DR. Hydrocortisone?
11/12 Improved fairly quickly even though relapse was one of worst waves ever.

1/13 Best I've ever felt.

3/13 A bit of a relapse... then faster and shorter waves and windows.

4/14 Have to watch out for triggers, but feel completely normal about 80% of the time.

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Today is one of those horror/dread mornings again... I'm telling myself it's just neuro-emotion, I'm trying to embrace it and then send it on its way. I will beat this.

 

Going for a walk though it's an awful, grey, rainy morning. I will try to remember this is really good for the plants.

 

Everyday is such an uphill battle, I'm tired and want a break. But the only break that will come is from my constant practice. Walk, breathe, eat, work, sit, write, do "enjoyable" things in automatic even if it feels like they do nothing, rest, go forward. DON'T PANIC. If I dig in my heels this will only make things worse. The only way out is through.

'94-'08 On/off ADs. Mostly Zoloft & Wellbutrin, but also Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, etc.
6/08 quit Z & W after tapering, awful anxiety 3 mos. later, reinstated.
11/10 CTed. Severe anxiety 3 mos. later & @ 8 mos. much worse (set off by metronidazole). Anxiety, depression, anhedonia, DP, DR, dizziness, severe insomnia, high serum AM cortisol, flu-like feelings, muscle discomfort.
9/11-9/12 Waves and windows of recovery.
10/12 Awful relapse, DP/DR. Hydrocortisone?
11/12 Improved fairly quickly even though relapse was one of worst waves ever.

1/13 Best I've ever felt.

3/13 A bit of a relapse... then faster and shorter waves and windows.

4/14 Have to watch out for triggers, but feel completely normal about 80% of the time.

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Nadia, even on a dark morning, you are inspiring.

History is approximate; I didn't track my dosages.

 

1995 - started zoloft/sertraline for depression

1995-2008 - sertraline ranged from 100-200mg, may have gone as high as 250mg

2006 - 2009 - added welbutrin/budeprion SR, 150 mg

sometime in 2009-2010 - stopped budeprion c/t

sometime around 2009-2010, Tapered down sertraline w/o guidance to 50 mg, then 25mg.

~ feb 2010, stopped sertraline.

~ Apr 2010, resumed 25mg low dose (really bad business trip)

Oct 2010, stopped sertraline

Jan 2011 - another bad business trip "breaks" my sleep.

 

current issues include insomnia, anxiety, GI distress, depression.

Taking multivitamins, Vitamin D, fish oil, Chinese herbs, ~ 0.5mg melatonin in the evening.

Going to therapy and acupuncture once a week.

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Heh heh... I'm not sure I even believe what I am saying, but I'm trying to... After my walk I realized that this morning wasn't that much worse than my past few mornings, but that I am just tired of keeping my chin up. It probably has something to do with the fact that it is Saturday, and I have this idea that Saturday you're allowed to take a break. But there is no real break to be had here.

 

But if the difference between yesterday and today is my attitude, then I really have to try to change my attitude. Argh...

 

Ajay, I hope you're doing better and that you can glimpse some light at the end of the tunnel.

'94-'08 On/off ADs. Mostly Zoloft & Wellbutrin, but also Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, etc.
6/08 quit Z & W after tapering, awful anxiety 3 mos. later, reinstated.
11/10 CTed. Severe anxiety 3 mos. later & @ 8 mos. much worse (set off by metronidazole). Anxiety, depression, anhedonia, DP, DR, dizziness, severe insomnia, high serum AM cortisol, flu-like feelings, muscle discomfort.
9/11-9/12 Waves and windows of recovery.
10/12 Awful relapse, DP/DR. Hydrocortisone?
11/12 Improved fairly quickly even though relapse was one of worst waves ever.

1/13 Best I've ever felt.

3/13 A bit of a relapse... then faster and shorter waves and windows.

4/14 Have to watch out for triggers, but feel completely normal about 80% of the time.

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It seems like the worst of my mega-anxiety crisis is abating (though I'm afraid to say it lest it raise it's ugly head again). I think I'm back to where I was before I took the amoeba medication and got so much worse (except for sleep...). The past three nights I've had some pretty consistent sleep patterns... I can sleep until 4am (4 to 4 1/2 hour block) and then doze off and on until about 6:30. [Three days seems like an entire lifetime in a moment of crisis.] It's not great, but it's enough to keep me sane. The walking and exercise in the morning have really helped to deal with the anxiety. I still have to be really careful with triggers, though... Some I can't control and I've just been lucky have not arisen in the past three days. The rest is avoiding situations, music, movies, etc. It helps that my boyfriend and his cat are gone... at least for the anxiety. I'm able to control my environment much more.

 

In the place of the anxiety, though, now is creeping up depression. Still, I think it feels like more of a familiar depression than the horror/dread weirdness that is lurking around my brain these past few months. I hope that is a good sign. I'm lonely and catch myself having really negative thought patterns. I feel relatively abandoned by my friends, which I know is really not the case (I think, at least not a couple of them), just that I have to live my life so differently now that I can't really participate in many activities. I'm finding it hard to think of things to do that I would enjoy, aside from eating lots of chocolate... and then I think, well, at least that is an improvement, WANTING to. I almost have thought of giving in and eating sweets to give myself some easy pleasure (which ironically before I had no desire for), but I'm too afraid of losing the little stability I have conquered with so much hard work.

 

I'm fixated lately on not having heard from my boyfriend since the day he arrived for his work trip (Wednesday). Trying not to worry about it too much, he probably just doesn't have access to the internet or phones. Or maybe he's trying to give me some space, or for him time is going so much faster than for me, or he's really busy (very likely). I'm also fixated on thinking about what I want to do with my life, and then trying not to think about it too much and just deal with the day to day. One minute I think I'm better and the idea of having a child or getting a dog seems like a good thing, then suddenly I'm in negativeland again and everything seems like it would be a living hell (never before ADs, even in the worst of my depression, did I ever NOT want to have a dog... is it old age or withdrawal that gives me the horror?)

 

It's funny, when you are dealing with anxiety and panic attacks, they are such a powerful force that it takes every inch of your being to hold on and not get torn apart... you think, wow, this is so much worse than depression. Then when depression comes along, I'm at a loss about how to deal with it. Maybe in the same ways as anxiety... the walking, the breathing. I guess because of its nature there is more of the just wanting to throw in the towel feeling. It's hard to see the point to life. It just seems like more trouble than it's worth. I see all these people working so hard... for what? On a purely objective basis, it seems to me delusion that "life is worth living"... like it is just some trick of the mind your brain plays on you because life wants to live.

 

Still, I can't really quit my life now, I couldn't do that to my loved ones. So I'm going to concentrate on just going on and hoping to find some pleasures I can enjoy to make it all seem worthwhile. If life wants to live, then a healthy version of me will want to. I want to be there, delusion or not.

 

I wish I could sleep forever.

'94-'08 On/off ADs. Mostly Zoloft & Wellbutrin, but also Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, etc.
6/08 quit Z & W after tapering, awful anxiety 3 mos. later, reinstated.
11/10 CTed. Severe anxiety 3 mos. later & @ 8 mos. much worse (set off by metronidazole). Anxiety, depression, anhedonia, DP, DR, dizziness, severe insomnia, high serum AM cortisol, flu-like feelings, muscle discomfort.
9/11-9/12 Waves and windows of recovery.
10/12 Awful relapse, DP/DR. Hydrocortisone?
11/12 Improved fairly quickly even though relapse was one of worst waves ever.

1/13 Best I've ever felt.

3/13 A bit of a relapse... then faster and shorter waves and windows.

4/14 Have to watch out for triggers, but feel completely normal about 80% of the time.

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Nadia,

 

I can relate to you on a lot of what is happening. I have been on ADs for 13 years for panic disorder, OCD (pure obsessions) and anxiety. I discontinued my meds about three weeks ago. Tuesday night my dog was acting strange and it made me start thinking about death which just started the racing thoughts and then a full blown attack. I spent all night with thoughts going through my mind about hurting myself, hurting other people, never getting better, not wanting to live to see people I love die, etc. The panic with it is horrible. I literally slept one hour that night. I am paralyzed with fear...I feel almost as if I want to run but I don't know where...I can't stay still and I have to use the bathroom every ten minutes. The extreme panic lasted one day. My acupuncture therapist recommended 5htp so I took 5o mg for two days. I think it helped a little bit, but I'm trying not to go from one med to another.

 

I am now on a huge emotional roller coaster. I have the same morning panic and depression. As soon as I open my eyes in the morning there is this overwhelming sadness of oh no, not again. I am all over the place just like you....sometimes I feel like ok, I can beat this then I feel defeated and that I just don't want to live like this and deal with the pain and suffering in the world, then I feel scared of everything. I am so confused. I don't know if this is all part of withdrawals or if this is just me and why I should be on medication. I have received support from my therapist that people with depression related to anxiety do not act on their impulses. I'm just so scared. Any sort of commitment makes me anxious and depressed...even hints I used to look forward to. I hate it..I just want to be normal like everyone else. I have also noticed I am very overly sensitive. I imagine how everything feels (even roadkill) andthe fear, sadness, etc they feel.

 

So you are not alone!

Extreme fear of death since I can remember/ severe anxiety as a child/ first panic at 10 which lasted about two months and reoccurred three years later and again four years later with each episode lasting months/ started paxil in 1997, switched to zoloft around 2002 then to effexor in 2004 for a month then to lexapro which I remained on until three weeks ago. Last dose taken three weeks ago. Just beginning to experience reoccurring anxiety , OCD and depression.P

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AAAAAHH!!! I just took the out of town for a month job... it's not final, but it's probable. I was revving up to say no, even though my friends and family were really pushing for me to take it. But then they just made it too easy... the extra week I couldn't do because of the vacation I'm going on later: no problem. They even offered me more money than I asked for... so... how could I say no??

 

At first I was really excited, but now I'm really scared. I feel that panic burning sensation coming up... the physical anxiety thing I get. I have another month before I have to leave, and I'm hoping the change of pace will help me, but I'm afraid I'll get much worse again from stress. Also that I won't function well. I'm not able to work the 12 hour days normally required in my line of work (I barely manage 4 now!) I've also had attention problems, like I'm looking for something and it's right in front of me but I can't see it (to the point that I've thought someone is playing a trick on me, but it's happened too many times).

 

I don't know what I've gone and done, but things just seemed to be handed to me in such a way... it just seemed like synchronicity. This is a GOOD thing, but I'm so scared! My friend said, so what if I do a terrible job and I have anxiety and panic attacks while there... it will be what it will be. And on the other hand, maybe things will be fine.

 

I hope everything works out...

 

(Breathing, breathing, breathing.)

'94-'08 On/off ADs. Mostly Zoloft & Wellbutrin, but also Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, etc.
6/08 quit Z & W after tapering, awful anxiety 3 mos. later, reinstated.
11/10 CTed. Severe anxiety 3 mos. later & @ 8 mos. much worse (set off by metronidazole). Anxiety, depression, anhedonia, DP, DR, dizziness, severe insomnia, high serum AM cortisol, flu-like feelings, muscle discomfort.
9/11-9/12 Waves and windows of recovery.
10/12 Awful relapse, DP/DR. Hydrocortisone?
11/12 Improved fairly quickly even though relapse was one of worst waves ever.

1/13 Best I've ever felt.

3/13 A bit of a relapse... then faster and shorter waves and windows.

4/14 Have to watch out for triggers, but feel completely normal about 80% of the time.

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  • Administrator

You'll be okay, Nadia. You'll settle into a routine and you'll cope. Being away from home will focus your attention on the work.

 

Where are you going? Will you stay in a hotel?

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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Alto, thanks for the vote of confidence. I'm going to Canada, and will be staying in a hotel. I hardly slept last night and my anxiety is pretty high today, but I'm coping... I guess I'm most scared about being able to maintain some kind of schedule/routine that will keep me doing OK, and not having support and such there. Also, the amount of work I need to do to this month to be able to go scares me...

 

But you're right, I'll manage somehow! And if I don't, well, I'll worry about it then. I'm going to try to keep myself as calm as possible this month... maybe being out of town will help my outlook as well...

 

Thanks for the input.

'94-'08 On/off ADs. Mostly Zoloft & Wellbutrin, but also Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, etc.
6/08 quit Z & W after tapering, awful anxiety 3 mos. later, reinstated.
11/10 CTed. Severe anxiety 3 mos. later & @ 8 mos. much worse (set off by metronidazole). Anxiety, depression, anhedonia, DP, DR, dizziness, severe insomnia, high serum AM cortisol, flu-like feelings, muscle discomfort.
9/11-9/12 Waves and windows of recovery.
10/12 Awful relapse, DP/DR. Hydrocortisone?
11/12 Improved fairly quickly even though relapse was one of worst waves ever.

1/13 Best I've ever felt.

3/13 A bit of a relapse... then faster and shorter waves and windows.

4/14 Have to watch out for triggers, but feel completely normal about 80% of the time.

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Congrats, Nadia! The job in Canada sounds great. Maybe it is synchronicity.

 

Best of luck. As for the stuff you need to do now, just keep at it. Moving slowly is still moving, right?

History is approximate; I didn't track my dosages.

 

1995 - started zoloft/sertraline for depression

1995-2008 - sertraline ranged from 100-200mg, may have gone as high as 250mg

2006 - 2009 - added welbutrin/budeprion SR, 150 mg

sometime in 2009-2010 - stopped budeprion c/t

sometime around 2009-2010, Tapered down sertraline w/o guidance to 50 mg, then 25mg.

~ feb 2010, stopped sertraline.

~ Apr 2010, resumed 25mg low dose (really bad business trip)

Oct 2010, stopped sertraline

Jan 2011 - another bad business trip "breaks" my sleep.

 

current issues include insomnia, anxiety, GI distress, depression.

Taking multivitamins, Vitamin D, fish oil, Chinese herbs, ~ 0.5mg melatonin in the evening.

Going to therapy and acupuncture once a week.

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Thanks, Ajay!

 

I'm doing what I can to keep my head above water and not panic. Unfortunately this has made the anxiety come back pretty strong with those waves of panic fire or whatever they are, but I tell myself that if I weathered what I went through a couple of weeks ago, I can handle this.

 

I realize that I've picked up some skills over the past few weeks with the breathing and walking and combating anxious thoughts. They are still weak, but I'm going to keep building them. One thing I've noticed is I'm more easily able to feel the anxiety as a physical thing. It helps to know it's just high cortisol, etc., and then when the thoughts start feeding into it, I can stop them better than I could before (though I am by no means GOOD at it yet, I feel I do have a slight measure of control, especially if I don't let it escalate too much and catch it right as it's building).

 

I never would have thought that I'd be someone who woke up early in the morning to go for walks and exercise and who didn't eat carbs. It still doesn't sit well with me that I can't find comfort in the things I used to (sleep, eating), but I'm thinking now this whole crisis may be a life-changer. It may be what gets my butt in gear about having a better life attitude and keeping healthy (even if I'm dragging myself into it like a kicking and screaming toddler).

 

It's hard to know if this is the right choice... I keep on going back and forth in my head between the advice I've read for people with general anxiety disorder... about facing your fears, exposing yourself to the things that cause you anxiety, not letting the anxiety limit you and NOT AVOIDING. VS. reducing stress, allowing yourself a break to heal, etc. Hopefully I can find the middle ground.

 

I have a million things to do before leaving, in very little time... so I'll probably be on here less for a bit. Thanks to all of you for your help and I'll keep you posted!

'94-'08 On/off ADs. Mostly Zoloft & Wellbutrin, but also Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, etc.
6/08 quit Z & W after tapering, awful anxiety 3 mos. later, reinstated.
11/10 CTed. Severe anxiety 3 mos. later & @ 8 mos. much worse (set off by metronidazole). Anxiety, depression, anhedonia, DP, DR, dizziness, severe insomnia, high serum AM cortisol, flu-like feelings, muscle discomfort.
9/11-9/12 Waves and windows of recovery.
10/12 Awful relapse, DP/DR. Hydrocortisone?
11/12 Improved fairly quickly even though relapse was one of worst waves ever.

1/13 Best I've ever felt.

3/13 A bit of a relapse... then faster and shorter waves and windows.

4/14 Have to watch out for triggers, but feel completely normal about 80% of the time.

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Nadia: I wish you the best of luck with your trip. Sounds like you are making some progress, and building confidence. Keep strong. My thoughts are with you.

On antidepressants since October 1997 including: Paxil, Celexa, Cipralex, Effexor (a couple of days only, horrible stuff.....), Pristiq 50 mg.

Started to taper off Pristiq Feb 2011, last pill April 9, 2011

Take the occassional Clonazapam when morning anxiety too much to handle.

Post menopausal - started low dose BHRT 27July10

Reinstated 5mg of Escitalopram (Cipralex), 2 Aug 2010

Stopped taking BHRT 19Aug11

Increased to 10 mg Cipralex 19Aug11

Increased to 15 mg Cipralex 29Aug11

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Thanks, E!

 

I'm having some trouble with the anxiety... didn't sleep at all last night even though I got a massage in the afternoon and was feeling so relaxed and sleepy. Being tired certainly makes it harder to fight the anxiety during the day. But here I am... plowing ahead. I spend a lot of time staring into space in a sort of fear-paralysis trying to remember what it is I was doing. Argh.

 

But I've got one more month before I go... hopefully I will stabilize. Thanks for the good wishes.

'94-'08 On/off ADs. Mostly Zoloft & Wellbutrin, but also Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, etc.
6/08 quit Z & W after tapering, awful anxiety 3 mos. later, reinstated.
11/10 CTed. Severe anxiety 3 mos. later & @ 8 mos. much worse (set off by metronidazole). Anxiety, depression, anhedonia, DP, DR, dizziness, severe insomnia, high serum AM cortisol, flu-like feelings, muscle discomfort.
9/11-9/12 Waves and windows of recovery.
10/12 Awful relapse, DP/DR. Hydrocortisone?
11/12 Improved fairly quickly even though relapse was one of worst waves ever.

1/13 Best I've ever felt.

3/13 A bit of a relapse... then faster and shorter waves and windows.

4/14 Have to watch out for triggers, but feel completely normal about 80% of the time.

Link to comment

Today a big wave of those awful irritated bad feelings came up... I guess what Alto would call neuroemotions. It's interesting... since I had a few days off from that I can now recognize it more clearly. It's such a weird feeling... I think it's clearly a result of being tired and my system being frayed. I've got weird muscle soreness/discomfort in my sacral region mostly, I feel like my brain has a sunburn, I feel like I just can't think and feel very irritated, if I try to rest I get horrible feelings of dread and doom. Noises and smells are really bothering me.

 

It's frustrating (as I'm sure you all know) because it was gone, however briefly, and now it's back. It's funny how less thank a week of improvement can make you feel like you were on your way out and then BAM... back to square one.

 

Still, it's good to have the perspective... before I felt THIS IS ME. Now I'm thinking, this is something that is HAPPENING to me, and it's temporary. I suppose this is sort of like a cortisol hangover or something.

'94-'08 On/off ADs. Mostly Zoloft & Wellbutrin, but also Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, etc.
6/08 quit Z & W after tapering, awful anxiety 3 mos. later, reinstated.
11/10 CTed. Severe anxiety 3 mos. later & @ 8 mos. much worse (set off by metronidazole). Anxiety, depression, anhedonia, DP, DR, dizziness, severe insomnia, high serum AM cortisol, flu-like feelings, muscle discomfort.
9/11-9/12 Waves and windows of recovery.
10/12 Awful relapse, DP/DR. Hydrocortisone?
11/12 Improved fairly quickly even though relapse was one of worst waves ever.

1/13 Best I've ever felt.

3/13 A bit of a relapse... then faster and shorter waves and windows.

4/14 Have to watch out for triggers, but feel completely normal about 80% of the time.

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I know exactly how you feel!! I have never been good away from home, even on meds. I took a job that required me to stay in Wisconsin for three weeks..I live in Florida. I won't lie the first few days were difficult. I did take Xanax to calm myself enough to sleep. I settled into a routine and met people so by day 3 I didn't need my Xanax and I was fine!! This is a great stepbfor you and if you declined the offer you would kick yourself later. It was a huge growth experience for me and I'm sure it will be for you too!

Extreme fear of death since I can remember/ severe anxiety as a child/ first panic at 10 which lasted about two months and reoccurred three years later and again four years later with each episode lasting months/ started paxil in 1997, switched to zoloft around 2002 then to effexor in 2004 for a month then to lexapro which I remained on until three weeks ago. Last dose taken three weeks ago. Just beginning to experience reoccurring anxiety , OCD and depression.P

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  • Administrator

Nadia, that's exactly it -- those symptoms are not you.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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Thanks... I hope I can keep that perspective. Today I realized, with the anxiety coming back pretty strong, that my attitude is suffering. I really am better than I was a couple of weeks ago, but it feels worse since it was a step back. I have to concentrate on my progress somehow. I think it's like anything else... the longer you feel a certain way, the more it starts to seem like "you", and if you're not careful, it can engulf you.

 

Trying really hard not to think of the big life questions through what I'm feeling now.

'94-'08 On/off ADs. Mostly Zoloft & Wellbutrin, but also Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, etc.
6/08 quit Z & W after tapering, awful anxiety 3 mos. later, reinstated.
11/10 CTed. Severe anxiety 3 mos. later & @ 8 mos. much worse (set off by metronidazole). Anxiety, depression, anhedonia, DP, DR, dizziness, severe insomnia, high serum AM cortisol, flu-like feelings, muscle discomfort.
9/11-9/12 Waves and windows of recovery.
10/12 Awful relapse, DP/DR. Hydrocortisone?
11/12 Improved fairly quickly even though relapse was one of worst waves ever.

1/13 Best I've ever felt.

3/13 A bit of a relapse... then faster and shorter waves and windows.

4/14 Have to watch out for triggers, but feel completely normal about 80% of the time.

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So just a quick update. I'm doing a bit better. Last night I actually slept a solid block of 5 hours! I am taking the Seriphos, though I think it's too soon to tell if it is having an effect or not.

 

I've gotten my anxiety down to a relatively manageable level, and I'm working as much as I can to meet my deadline. I have worked for 7 1/2 hours the past three days... I end up with a horrible headache and feel very strained, but I have to finish before I go on my next job. I've managed not to think about the next job or how it will be to be far away from home. In some ways, being so busy during the day is helping ground me. I still have panic waves, but they have not been as strong the past few days. Acupuncture yesterday was incredible. I almost felt like normal me last night for a few hours.

 

Looking back on the past month, I realize I have made some progress in some areas even as I have lost ground in others. My sleep issues are still pretty severe, more than they were before, but my anhedonia and lack of appetite have really improved. I've gotten that wanting to cry at any stupid thing feeling again, which is something I got when I first stopped taking the ADs. I welcome it now, it is so much better than feeling nothing. And I guess in general I feel more aware and centered. It comes and goes throughout the day, I am exhausted by the end of the day, and I am micromanaging my existence to levels that seem ridiculous to everyone around me... but it is what is keeping me sane.

 

I have no idea how long this small window of relative improvement is going to last, but I'm hoping, hoping, hoping it does not go away and maybe even improves a little (heh, I think I might be in the "bargaining" stage of facing this whole ordeal).

 

I can't wait for the day I can just rest... even just one day...

'94-'08 On/off ADs. Mostly Zoloft & Wellbutrin, but also Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, etc.
6/08 quit Z & W after tapering, awful anxiety 3 mos. later, reinstated.
11/10 CTed. Severe anxiety 3 mos. later & @ 8 mos. much worse (set off by metronidazole). Anxiety, depression, anhedonia, DP, DR, dizziness, severe insomnia, high serum AM cortisol, flu-like feelings, muscle discomfort.
9/11-9/12 Waves and windows of recovery.
10/12 Awful relapse, DP/DR. Hydrocortisone?
11/12 Improved fairly quickly even though relapse was one of worst waves ever.

1/13 Best I've ever felt.

3/13 A bit of a relapse... then faster and shorter waves and windows.

4/14 Have to watch out for triggers, but feel completely normal about 80% of the time.

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Oops... I went in for acupuncture today, even though I went only two days ago, because I was feeling pretty awful and thought it would help. But now I'm worse! Really, it is my fault for lack of communication.

 

What happened was the time before last I had acupuncture, I had mentioned to the doctor that I was having hot flashes at night. She she did something different, stimulating a spot on my upper lip more than normal. Immediately when I left the appt. I felt even hotter all day. Then I didn't sleep hardly at all that night, but I thought that it was because I went out with friends that night for a little bit, changing my routine.

 

So, the next time I went in to acupuncture I didn't mention it, I just said I wasn't sleeping right, and the doctor did her usual (not the new) treatment PLUS an extra thing she had not done before, a spot below my belly button. That day (Wednesday) I felt better than I had in a loooong time.

 

So today I went in and the doctor asked me how I was, and I told her the last time I had come was great and I felt wonderful. She said she was going to do the same but with more stimulation. When she put the needles in and hooked them up to the electricity thingie, I realized she was going to stimulate my upper lip! I had a bad feeling about it, and told her that she had done the belly instead. But she said this time she would do the lip (she speaks almost only Chinese so it is difficult to communicate). I should have insisted more, but I was unsure really if what I had felt last time was because of the acupuncture, so I decided to just trust her.

 

But, NOW I know for sure... I am having hot flashes and anxiety again. I feel pissed off about it, because I'm back to worse than I was before I went. Argh. But when I go in again I'm going to make it clear that this made me worse, and tell her again which treatment made me better.

 

*sigh*

 

I hope to get some sleep tonight but it's not looking likely (though I'm trying not to "program" myself for bad sleep just by thinking about it!)

'94-'08 On/off ADs. Mostly Zoloft & Wellbutrin, but also Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, etc.
6/08 quit Z & W after tapering, awful anxiety 3 mos. later, reinstated.
11/10 CTed. Severe anxiety 3 mos. later & @ 8 mos. much worse (set off by metronidazole). Anxiety, depression, anhedonia, DP, DR, dizziness, severe insomnia, high serum AM cortisol, flu-like feelings, muscle discomfort.
9/11-9/12 Waves and windows of recovery.
10/12 Awful relapse, DP/DR. Hydrocortisone?
11/12 Improved fairly quickly even though relapse was one of worst waves ever.

1/13 Best I've ever felt.

3/13 A bit of a relapse... then faster and shorter waves and windows.

4/14 Have to watch out for triggers, but feel completely normal about 80% of the time.

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Grrr... have not slept a wink. Normally I wallow in bed trying to sleep but I'm so amped I felt like punching something and had to get out of bed.

 

I am really, really hot and feel those rushes that I normally associate with panic but that right now make me feel ANGER.

 

I am thinking about going back to the acupuncturist and seeing if she can do something to reverse what she did yesterday, but I don't know if it will make things worse.

'94-'08 On/off ADs. Mostly Zoloft & Wellbutrin, but also Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, etc.
6/08 quit Z & W after tapering, awful anxiety 3 mos. later, reinstated.
11/10 CTed. Severe anxiety 3 mos. later & @ 8 mos. much worse (set off by metronidazole). Anxiety, depression, anhedonia, DP, DR, dizziness, severe insomnia, high serum AM cortisol, flu-like feelings, muscle discomfort.
9/11-9/12 Waves and windows of recovery.
10/12 Awful relapse, DP/DR. Hydrocortisone?
11/12 Improved fairly quickly even though relapse was one of worst waves ever.

1/13 Best I've ever felt.

3/13 A bit of a relapse... then faster and shorter waves and windows.

4/14 Have to watch out for triggers, but feel completely normal about 80% of the time.

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I went back to the acupuncturist (I feel especially lucky that it's on a first come, first serve basis and I didn't need an appointment), and am feeling "better"... she did what she did on Wednesday when I felt good, and it seemed to calm me down quite a bit. The first to go was the heat, I even felt a bit chilly. And I felt considerably more relaxed.

 

Now I am a bit grumpy, having lots of thoughts about things in my life that I really don't want to have to decide on right now... especially since it is really hard for me to tell what is real emotion and what is just yuckiness from the anxiety (mainly all of this has to do with how I feel about living with my boyfriend and having a baby). Also, just now I'm having the tingly, burning rushes of anxiety that I usually have in the mornings. But it is much better than the completely amped, GRRRR I was before.

 

I hope I am able to sleep some tonight.

 

As an aside, I had forgotten to mention before some things that have been different or evolving. Two things particularly come to mind:

 

1. I seem to be dreaming a lot (when I AM able to sleep). Before I could not remember my dreams at all, now it seems like all I do all night is dream.

2. I am getting a lot of memories and strong sensations from the past. I remember really random things very vividly.

 

I suppose this means my neurons are firing away like crazy and things are shifting around. I hope it is a good sign. In general it seems to be accompanied by a slight lift in mood. I have been laughing once in a while, and more able to feel pleasure once in a while.

 

I hope that trend continues and that this last setback does not last long. This really is two steps forward one step back sort of progress. Sometimes it feels more like one step forward two steps back. It's funny how drastic my reactions to even the smallest changes are... I can feel like I'm almost out or I'm totally doomed just based on a few hours experience. I am so consumed by the moment that it becomes EVERYTHING.

'94-'08 On/off ADs. Mostly Zoloft & Wellbutrin, but also Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, etc.
6/08 quit Z & W after tapering, awful anxiety 3 mos. later, reinstated.
11/10 CTed. Severe anxiety 3 mos. later & @ 8 mos. much worse (set off by metronidazole). Anxiety, depression, anhedonia, DP, DR, dizziness, severe insomnia, high serum AM cortisol, flu-like feelings, muscle discomfort.
9/11-9/12 Waves and windows of recovery.
10/12 Awful relapse, DP/DR. Hydrocortisone?
11/12 Improved fairly quickly even though relapse was one of worst waves ever.

1/13 Best I've ever felt.

3/13 A bit of a relapse... then faster and shorter waves and windows.

4/14 Have to watch out for triggers, but feel completely normal about 80% of the time.

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