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Pieuw & the Lexapro-monster


pieuw

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- Hi Fresh,

 

Thanks for checking on me. You are almost like my SA--surrogate-mom. :-) It gives me the feeling I am in good hands here, so thank you for that.

 

The suicidal ideation comes and goes. I had it on the 7th of March, than again on monday and tuesday and also this morning. I think it goes hand in hand with the despair. I am trying so hard to use my CBT-techniques to give myself some relief from the constant worrying, but (like most people here confirm) this is really difficult, and thus I feel really overwhelmed with these emotions of fear, hopelesness, grief for my "normal" life. I sometimes feel like a person who has woken up from a coma and who just notices that his legs are gone and that he will be having an entirely different life from now on. But I guess that all happened to us.

And the constant rumination just never ends. Ugh. I wish I could make a "mental plan" when I'm having a window, and that I could use it and stick to it when there's a wave coming up, but unfortunately I didn't manage to do this yet.

 

I'm really puzzled on trying to stabilize on this dose or to updose again. If it weren't for everyone here telling me to hold it, I would have already gone up up up. Of course, without any idea where that would lead me. My parents are cheering for me to hold and they really believe I can do it, but they also say that I must be able to manage and live through all the problems that come with holding. If I talk about the S-subject too much, I guess they will not see the benefit in coming off the Lexapro anymore - and neither do I, I must admit.

 

- Hi bubble,

 

Thanks for reading my topic and for providing me with some advice. Lexapro is a bastard, isn't it? Though sometimes I am crying for it to "gimme gimme gimme", like any junkie would. But I'm happy that you have provided me with some hope.

 

Do you think it is also neuro-emotion that I now feel so really insecure and low at work? Like neuro-selfcriticism or so? I already had a bit of "fear of failure" at work, but now it is massive and really crippling. I try to tell myself that at least I am still working, but my head keeps compairing my recent self to my former self (who was a bit insecure, but who would do the job and than feel okay about it).

 

My therapist helps me with some of this, but with one appointment a week, it feels like we are brushing off grains of sand when there is still a whole beach to clean.

 

- Hi Dave,

 

Thanks also for reading my topic and answering my hijacking post on your topic ;-) I realized only afterwards that you didn't take Lexapro, oops. I guess I mixed that up because of the anxiety-issues I felt related to.

 

I am going to the pharmacist today or tomorrow to follow up on everyone's advice concerning the vit B. My pharmacist told me that the magnesium should always be combined with the vit B to allow our body to absorb it, but I guess that is wrong then?

 

I hope I can find the same "peace" and positive attitude in dealing with my symptoms like you seem to have. Still, I keep on ruminating about whether this anxiety, criplling self-criticism and endless rumination is really caused by withdrawal (and thus temporary) or whether this is me without drugs. I really have no self-confidence left that tells me that I can handle this, even without the Lexapro.

 

This is the greatest battle I will ever have to fight.

But I am grateful for everyone that is cheering for me. This means a lot to me.

 

Pieuw x

started on 10mg Sipralexa (Lexapro) in january 2010 for general anxiety disorder/panic attacks (possibly burn-out from studying).
stayed on it for 4,5 years.

started to reduce Lexapro with this "schedule" (and ignored doctor's advice to quit in 14 days):
- 10mg to 5mg on 16/07/2014 (no WD symptoms)
- after 8 weeks: 5mg to 2,5mg on 12/09/2014 (
1st week: heavy sweating at night; mood swings (angry), brainfog/derealization)

- after 7 weeks: 2,5mg to 2mg on 03/11/2014 (1st week: heavy sweating at night; from 2nd week on: mild brain zaps, eye floaters, mood swings)
- after 14 weeks: 2mg to 1,5mg on 14/02/2015 (
1st week: heavy sweating at night; from 2nd week on: shaking, trembling, severe anxiety attacks, loss of appetite, insomnia, very depressive feelings; from 3rd week on: shaking and trembling reduced, sometimes a "window" but anxiety always returns, very dark thoughts)

- updosed to 2mg on 07/03/2014

 

supplements: Metarelax (magnesium + Vit B ); Omega 3-fish oil; Sedinal drops in case of extreme anxiety;

acupuncture + CBT  

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Thx Marmite.

 

I keep ruminating about the question - and I am probably not the only one - whether all this anxiety isn't just caused because I have a (mental) health anxiety? I don't want to upset anyone by mentioning this, but it really comes to my mind as a possibility. I already had these episodes of health anxiety about being pregnant, having HIV, and going blind. But with those things, I could eventually let it go. I don't think I will ever be able to let go of all of this anxiety about having W/D, because there just is no way to figure out exactly what is happening: actual W/D or (mental health) anxiety. To make myself clear: I do not for one second doubt the existence of W/D-syndrome. I just keep on doubting whether I am really suffering from it, because I don't have these physical W/D symptoms, but only anxiety and it's companion insomnia.

 

These are too much thoughts upon thoughts upon thoughts upon thoughts... I want to shut down my brain.

started on 10mg Sipralexa (Lexapro) in january 2010 for general anxiety disorder/panic attacks (possibly burn-out from studying).
stayed on it for 4,5 years.

started to reduce Lexapro with this "schedule" (and ignored doctor's advice to quit in 14 days):
- 10mg to 5mg on 16/07/2014 (no WD symptoms)
- after 8 weeks: 5mg to 2,5mg on 12/09/2014 (
1st week: heavy sweating at night; mood swings (angry), brainfog/derealization)

- after 7 weeks: 2,5mg to 2mg on 03/11/2014 (1st week: heavy sweating at night; from 2nd week on: mild brain zaps, eye floaters, mood swings)
- after 14 weeks: 2mg to 1,5mg on 14/02/2015 (
1st week: heavy sweating at night; from 2nd week on: shaking, trembling, severe anxiety attacks, loss of appetite, insomnia, very depressive feelings; from 3rd week on: shaking and trembling reduced, sometimes a "window" but anxiety always returns, very dark thoughts)

- updosed to 2mg on 07/03/2014

 

supplements: Metarelax (magnesium + Vit B ); Omega 3-fish oil; Sedinal drops in case of extreme anxiety;

acupuncture + CBT  

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Pieuw ,  it's only been 2 weeks since you updosed , right?    And before that your cuts were 50%  - 10mg to 5mg , then 5mg to 2.5mg.  From your sig. , it sounds like your withdrawal started a long time ago , and it's probably going to take another couple of weeks to see how well you can be on this dose.

Can you give it another 2 weeks before making any decisions?

In the past when you had some obsessive thinking about health issues , was that before you ever had ad's , or since?

1987-1997 pertofran , prothiaden , Prozac 1997-2002 Zoloft 2002-2004 effexor 2004-2010 Lexapro 40mg

2010-2012Cymbalta 120mg

Sept. 2012 -decreased 90mg in 6months. Care taken over by Dr Lucire in March 2013 , decreased last 30mg at 2mg per week over 3 months. July 21 , 2013- last dose of Cymbalta

Protracted withdrawal syndrome kicked in badly Jan.2014 Unrelenting akathisia until May 2014. Voluntary hosp. admission. Cocktail of Seroquel, Ativan and mirtazapine and I was well enough to go home after 14 days. Stopped all hosp. meds in next few months.

July 2014 felt v.depressed - couldn't stop crying. Started pristiq 50mg. Felt improvement within days and continued to improve, so stayed on 50mg for 8 months.

Began taper 28 Feb. 2015. Pristiq 50mg down to 45mg. Had one month of w/d symptoms. Started CES therapy in March. No w/d symptoms down to 30mg.

October 2015 , taking 25mg Pristiq. Capsules compounded with slow-release additive.

March 2016 , 21mg

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Yep, 2 weeks. I have not noticed much improvement, though sometimes I have the idea that I can think more rationally about all of this. Rationally is good. Feels windowy-like.

I'll try to hold for another two weeks, I think you are right that withdrawal is catching up with me. I should not think "that I only went from 2mg to 1,5mg" - another 25% by the way - but rather take into account that I have made some really destablizing tapers.

 

I went to the same pdoc as Nathalou today, Monique Debauche. She confirmed some things:

- that this is all due to withdrawal (no "underlying pathology")

- that this will subside over time

- I never should have been given Lexapro for my initial problem

- CBT does not work so well in W/D because of the chemical imbalance in w/d; it's like trying CBT when you just took some coke. (this made sense to me)

 

I guess I must trust her opinion. Difficult though, cause during the last 4 years I really have come to believe that I have a general anxiety disorder, I have health anxiety, that I can't handle "negative" emotions or thoughts, 

The most challenging of this whole w/d-stuff is apparently re-educating and re-empowering yourself. 

 

I also saw another pdoc on saturday:

- she did not say in so many words that this is caused by withdrawal, but I feel she is aware that this problem exists and that I might suffer from it (and that is a good starting point)

- however, she is of the opinion that since I have frequent suicidal thoughts from growing depression, we should do something: probably more/different meds

- also that I never should have been given Lexapro. Too bad...

 

I'm off to bed now, don't want to think about this too long.

 

Nighty-night everyone x

started on 10mg Sipralexa (Lexapro) in january 2010 for general anxiety disorder/panic attacks (possibly burn-out from studying).
stayed on it for 4,5 years.

started to reduce Lexapro with this "schedule" (and ignored doctor's advice to quit in 14 days):
- 10mg to 5mg on 16/07/2014 (no WD symptoms)
- after 8 weeks: 5mg to 2,5mg on 12/09/2014 (
1st week: heavy sweating at night; mood swings (angry), brainfog/derealization)

- after 7 weeks: 2,5mg to 2mg on 03/11/2014 (1st week: heavy sweating at night; from 2nd week on: mild brain zaps, eye floaters, mood swings)
- after 14 weeks: 2mg to 1,5mg on 14/02/2015 (
1st week: heavy sweating at night; from 2nd week on: shaking, trembling, severe anxiety attacks, loss of appetite, insomnia, very depressive feelings; from 3rd week on: shaking and trembling reduced, sometimes a "window" but anxiety always returns, very dark thoughts)

- updosed to 2mg on 07/03/2014

 

supplements: Metarelax (magnesium + Vit B ); Omega 3-fish oil; Sedinal drops in case of extreme anxiety;

acupuncture + CBT  

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

How are you going pieuw?

 

What you said about re-educating yourself resonates with me.  

Only six months ago I was still saying to Yola:   "But you don't understand!   I was VERY depressed.  I have a depressive illness!!"

I can see now how the depression I initially had seemed dreadful at the time , but was part of "growing pains".   Each time I stopped the ad's in

the first 5 years , or reached "oppositional tolerance"  (poop-out)   I would feel anxious and more depressed , so the dose was increased , or the

drug was changed. 

And on it went.

 

Good to hear you're getting some real-world support.

 

xxx

1987-1997 pertofran , prothiaden , Prozac 1997-2002 Zoloft 2002-2004 effexor 2004-2010 Lexapro 40mg

2010-2012Cymbalta 120mg

Sept. 2012 -decreased 90mg in 6months. Care taken over by Dr Lucire in March 2013 , decreased last 30mg at 2mg per week over 3 months. July 21 , 2013- last dose of Cymbalta

Protracted withdrawal syndrome kicked in badly Jan.2014 Unrelenting akathisia until May 2014. Voluntary hosp. admission. Cocktail of Seroquel, Ativan and mirtazapine and I was well enough to go home after 14 days. Stopped all hosp. meds in next few months.

July 2014 felt v.depressed - couldn't stop crying. Started pristiq 50mg. Felt improvement within days and continued to improve, so stayed on 50mg for 8 months.

Began taper 28 Feb. 2015. Pristiq 50mg down to 45mg. Had one month of w/d symptoms. Started CES therapy in March. No w/d symptoms down to 30mg.

October 2015 , taking 25mg Pristiq. Capsules compounded with slow-release additive.

March 2016 , 21mg

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