freespirit Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 Dane, It sounds like you're doing well in riding things out, and learning the skills you need to handle the thoughts and emotions. I hear you on the emotions part. Sometimes the feelings are uncomfortable, but I find it so much better than not being able to feel. I was excited to hear you're finding the wisdom of letting go. It's not an easy process for sure...and perhaps harder for some of us than others. When I was grieving my wife's death, I came to this place too...and more and more realized it was the only path to freedom. I started actively looking for things to let go of, because of the relief that came with it. Your post reminded me of this..and something I'd like to focus on again too. I think the intention to let go and willingness to open to joy can go a long way towards encouraging those things to happen. I'm finding that the thing I called depression is more a whole set of causes and conditions..not a solid thing that I always believed it was. With some investigation, it will often dissipate and reveal itself for what it really is...which for me, is often tied to a belief that things in my life should be different than they are. When I can accept, the holding around that belief eases and whatever emotions or thoughts are there can be released. I don't know if that makes any sense or not...but I know that no amount of investigation did this when I was on the meds. "Our failure to know joy is a direct reflection of our inability to forgive."- Charlotte Joko Beck, Zen teacher to all of you. You are special. You are needed. You are someone. Loved this..thank you...you too are special. You are needed. You are someone. Remeron for depression. Started at 7.5 mg. in 2005. Gradual increases over 8 years, up to 45 mg. in 2012.Began tapering in June 2013. Went from 45 to 30 mg in the first 3-4 months. Held for a couple of months.Started tapering by 3.75 mg every month or 2, with some longer holding periods. Eventually went down to 3.75 mg. about April 2014. Stopped taking Remeron August 2014. Developed issues with histamine a week after stopping--symptoms reduced through diet and a few supplements. Currently having issues with a few foods. Most of the histamine intolerance has resolved or is at least, in remission. Current Medications: Current Supplements: Cannabis (CBD and THC), Vitamin C, D, Quercetin, CoQ10, Tart Cherry, Probiotic, Phytoplankton oil, magnesium, Methyl B. What has helped me most: spending time in nature, qi gong, exercise, healthy diet, meditation, IV vitamins, homeopathy, massage, acupuncture, chiropractic, music, and cuddling my cats.. My introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/8459-mirtazapine-withdrawal-freespirit/#entry144282 Please note: I am not a therapist or medical practitioner. Any suggestions offered come solely from my personal experience in recovering from childhood trauma, therapy, and AD use. Please seek appropriate care for yourself. “After a cruel childhood, one must reinvent oneself. Then re-imagine the world.” ― Mary Oliver Link to comment
Dane22 Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 Free spirit, you are a gem. I needed that. Well folks, wish I could report positives today...but I cannot. I'm unravelling. Tears rolling down. I'm a mess today. Life today is hard. My half glass is empty. No strength. I cannot explain where I'm at. It's a black hole, I'm desperately trying to claw my way to light. My parents referred to me as cold and distant...I believe it today. No best friend for me to call. I'm circling the drain. Prozac in reach. This sucks. So sucks. It sucks that I have to vent on this site when I should be able to reach out to a friend...but I cannot. Sad is an understatement. I'll read my list. Follow my own advice. It's such a dark place. Why can't I be normal? The hurt in my heart makes me pathetic. Not suicidal. But it would be nice to have this over with. I'm tired. So tired. Happiness is such a treasured gift. September 2013. Diagnosed depression/anxiety. Start Prozac 10mg and slowly increase to 40mg. October 2013. Lorazepam 0.5mg prescribed for anxiety after complaining about nervous energy November 2013. prescribed a sleeping pill (name?) for insomnia. took once. ineffective. January to June 2014. psychiatrist agrees to lower dose to 15 mg due to side effects. August 2014 first attempt to quit cold turkey Lasted August 1, 2014 until October 1, 2014 November 2014 second attempt to quit cold turkey lasted Novemember 4, 2014 until Jan 13, 2015 January 2015 3rd attempt to quit cold turkey lasted feb 3, 2015 until feb 23, 2015 March 5, 2015 4th attempt to quit cold turkey. Link to comment
Dane22 Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 I have to get up. I have to do something. I can't waste away. September 2013. Diagnosed depression/anxiety. Start Prozac 10mg and slowly increase to 40mg. October 2013. Lorazepam 0.5mg prescribed for anxiety after complaining about nervous energy November 2013. prescribed a sleeping pill (name?) for insomnia. took once. ineffective. January to June 2014. psychiatrist agrees to lower dose to 15 mg due to side effects. August 2014 first attempt to quit cold turkey Lasted August 1, 2014 until October 1, 2014 November 2014 second attempt to quit cold turkey lasted Novemember 4, 2014 until Jan 13, 2015 January 2015 3rd attempt to quit cold turkey lasted feb 3, 2015 until feb 23, 2015 March 5, 2015 4th attempt to quit cold turkey. Link to comment
Dane22 Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 Up. Moving. September 2013. Diagnosed depression/anxiety. Start Prozac 10mg and slowly increase to 40mg. October 2013. Lorazepam 0.5mg prescribed for anxiety after complaining about nervous energy November 2013. prescribed a sleeping pill (name?) for insomnia. took once. ineffective. January to June 2014. psychiatrist agrees to lower dose to 15 mg due to side effects. August 2014 first attempt to quit cold turkey Lasted August 1, 2014 until October 1, 2014 November 2014 second attempt to quit cold turkey lasted Novemember 4, 2014 until Jan 13, 2015 January 2015 3rd attempt to quit cold turkey lasted feb 3, 2015 until feb 23, 2015 March 5, 2015 4th attempt to quit cold turkey. Link to comment
Dane22 Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 Up. Moving. September 2013. Diagnosed depression/anxiety. Start Prozac 10mg and slowly increase to 40mg. October 2013. Lorazepam 0.5mg prescribed for anxiety after complaining about nervous energy November 2013. prescribed a sleeping pill (name?) for insomnia. took once. ineffective. January to June 2014. psychiatrist agrees to lower dose to 15 mg due to side effects. August 2014 first attempt to quit cold turkey Lasted August 1, 2014 until October 1, 2014 November 2014 second attempt to quit cold turkey lasted Novemember 4, 2014 until Jan 13, 2015 January 2015 3rd attempt to quit cold turkey lasted feb 3, 2015 until feb 23, 2015 March 5, 2015 4th attempt to quit cold turkey. Link to comment
Dane22 Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 Please God. Help me move. September 2013. Diagnosed depression/anxiety. Start Prozac 10mg and slowly increase to 40mg. October 2013. Lorazepam 0.5mg prescribed for anxiety after complaining about nervous energy November 2013. prescribed a sleeping pill (name?) for insomnia. took once. ineffective. January to June 2014. psychiatrist agrees to lower dose to 15 mg due to side effects. August 2014 first attempt to quit cold turkey Lasted August 1, 2014 until October 1, 2014 November 2014 second attempt to quit cold turkey lasted Novemember 4, 2014 until Jan 13, 2015 January 2015 3rd attempt to quit cold turkey lasted feb 3, 2015 until feb 23, 2015 March 5, 2015 4th attempt to quit cold turkey. Link to comment
Dane22 Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 Called a friend to sit with me. It's bad. September 2013. Diagnosed depression/anxiety. Start Prozac 10mg and slowly increase to 40mg. October 2013. Lorazepam 0.5mg prescribed for anxiety after complaining about nervous energy November 2013. prescribed a sleeping pill (name?) for insomnia. took once. ineffective. January to June 2014. psychiatrist agrees to lower dose to 15 mg due to side effects. August 2014 first attempt to quit cold turkey Lasted August 1, 2014 until October 1, 2014 November 2014 second attempt to quit cold turkey lasted Novemember 4, 2014 until Jan 13, 2015 January 2015 3rd attempt to quit cold turkey lasted feb 3, 2015 until feb 23, 2015 March 5, 2015 4th attempt to quit cold turkey. Link to comment
Dane22 Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 On his way. Please come fast. September 2013. Diagnosed depression/anxiety. Start Prozac 10mg and slowly increase to 40mg. October 2013. Lorazepam 0.5mg prescribed for anxiety after complaining about nervous energy November 2013. prescribed a sleeping pill (name?) for insomnia. took once. ineffective. January to June 2014. psychiatrist agrees to lower dose to 15 mg due to side effects. August 2014 first attempt to quit cold turkey Lasted August 1, 2014 until October 1, 2014 November 2014 second attempt to quit cold turkey lasted Novemember 4, 2014 until Jan 13, 2015 January 2015 3rd attempt to quit cold turkey lasted feb 3, 2015 until feb 23, 2015 March 5, 2015 4th attempt to quit cold turkey. Link to comment
Marta Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 stay strong!!! 06/2012 - 02/2015 CIPRALEX 10 mg (for somatic abdominal pain + reflux) - prior to this NOT any significant episode of anxiety/depression on medication: emotional-sexual numbness, total inability to cry, +8 kg, fatigue -> abdominal pain gone 02/2015 - 1/04/2015 tapering from 10 mg to 0 mg doctor advised 05/05/2015 huge anxiety, burning skin sensation, panic, fear, not able to cry again, never-had-before insomnia, totally lost appetite, little loss of vision in one eye, sweating, chest pain, short breath, restlessness, accelerated heartbeat, mild akathisia legs-feet 30/05/2015 reinstated 8mg (I was suggested 5 mg here) middle 07/2015 general improving 10/2015 start disastrous too long taper 7mg 11/2015 6mg 12/2015 5mg 1/2016 4mg 2/2016 4mg 3/2016 3mg ->FAIL back to 4mg .... 8/2016 3mg 8/2017 2mg (short wave in summer '17) 8/2018 2mg stable 8/2019 1mg 1/2020 0.6 mg 1/APRIL/2020 0mg FREE! 7/2020 - 10/2020 MILD WAVE(mostly anxiety, poor sleep) 6/2021 - 9/2021 WAVE (anxiety, severe insomnia, total loss of appetite, deep depression, internal restlessness, anhedonia) 0.125g triazolam 2 times 18/03/2022 WAVE (anxiety, severe insomnia, total loss of appetite, PAIN in muscles and nerves, arms and right leg,cannot exercise,hard to walk) 0.125g triazolam 3 times 7/5 rein 0.1mg Link to comment
Dane22 Posted June 16, 2015 Author Share Posted June 16, 2015 Thank you Marta. The day is over. Off to bed. It was the most horrific day. September 2013. Diagnosed depression/anxiety. Start Prozac 10mg and slowly increase to 40mg. October 2013. Lorazepam 0.5mg prescribed for anxiety after complaining about nervous energy November 2013. prescribed a sleeping pill (name?) for insomnia. took once. ineffective. January to June 2014. psychiatrist agrees to lower dose to 15 mg due to side effects. August 2014 first attempt to quit cold turkey Lasted August 1, 2014 until October 1, 2014 November 2014 second attempt to quit cold turkey lasted Novemember 4, 2014 until Jan 13, 2015 January 2015 3rd attempt to quit cold turkey lasted feb 3, 2015 until feb 23, 2015 March 5, 2015 4th attempt to quit cold turkey. Link to comment
freespirit Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Sorry you had such a difficult day. I think it's good that you called a friend to be with you...I hope today is an easier one. Remember that you are also grieving, on top of dealing with WD. The symptoms look a lot the same...and it's easy to become confused and believe that you are reverting back to some hellish place...the grief adds another layer to everything. In terms of your parents saying you're cold and distant...well, when a person is healing as we are, there is often little or nothing left over for anyone else. That's true in the grief process too. I felt like a bad friend for a long time..I couldn't even listen to anyone's problems, as I was too consumed by my own pain. That turning inwards is a natural and normal part of the healing process. Grief becomes more challenging within families, because everyone grieves in their own ways (or not)...and there comes some expectation of how other family members are coping. The dynamic within a family changes too... If you really want to be off Prozac, why are you still keeping some around??? Seems like it would make it possible to make a choice you might regret later on... Remeron for depression. Started at 7.5 mg. in 2005. Gradual increases over 8 years, up to 45 mg. in 2012.Began tapering in June 2013. Went from 45 to 30 mg in the first 3-4 months. Held for a couple of months.Started tapering by 3.75 mg every month or 2, with some longer holding periods. Eventually went down to 3.75 mg. about April 2014. Stopped taking Remeron August 2014. Developed issues with histamine a week after stopping--symptoms reduced through diet and a few supplements. Currently having issues with a few foods. Most of the histamine intolerance has resolved or is at least, in remission. Current Medications: Current Supplements: Cannabis (CBD and THC), Vitamin C, D, Quercetin, CoQ10, Tart Cherry, Probiotic, Phytoplankton oil, magnesium, Methyl B. What has helped me most: spending time in nature, qi gong, exercise, healthy diet, meditation, IV vitamins, homeopathy, massage, acupuncture, chiropractic, music, and cuddling my cats.. My introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/8459-mirtazapine-withdrawal-freespirit/#entry144282 Please note: I am not a therapist or medical practitioner. Any suggestions offered come solely from my personal experience in recovering from childhood trauma, therapy, and AD use. Please seek appropriate care for yourself. “After a cruel childhood, one must reinvent oneself. Then re-imagine the world.” ― Mary Oliver Link to comment
Dane22 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 thank you freespirit. I apologize, but I have not been able to offer support or encouragement to anyone lately. for a change, I know what I did wrong and why I spiraled. I had guests in over the weekend and I drank. and drank. and drank. drinking messes with my brain chemistry in a similar way that Prozac did. anxiety, depression and inability to cope, think straight or function at any level. I am thankful today that I have my mind back. It was an error on my part to think I could party with all my guests. I did not take the Prozac. I am so glad. It would have felt like a quick fix and I would have paid dearly, within hours or popping those pills. I know people who they work for, but for me, I have horrible side effects from Prozac. the same as alcohol. I am thankful that today I am moving and productive. Angry at where things are, but this anger is also empowering me. my glass isn't half full today, but its got something in it. I am thankful it is not empty. to my fellow SD people, I wish you a better day. Whatever your course is, keep fighting. CT? Taper? Reinstatement? Finding the right drug and the right dose? It doesn't matter. What matters is that we break this stupid cycle and find happiness. September 2013. Diagnosed depression/anxiety. Start Prozac 10mg and slowly increase to 40mg. October 2013. Lorazepam 0.5mg prescribed for anxiety after complaining about nervous energy November 2013. prescribed a sleeping pill (name?) for insomnia. took once. ineffective. January to June 2014. psychiatrist agrees to lower dose to 15 mg due to side effects. August 2014 first attempt to quit cold turkey Lasted August 1, 2014 until October 1, 2014 November 2014 second attempt to quit cold turkey lasted Novemember 4, 2014 until Jan 13, 2015 January 2015 3rd attempt to quit cold turkey lasted feb 3, 2015 until feb 23, 2015 March 5, 2015 4th attempt to quit cold turkey. Link to comment
freespirit Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 It's all a process of learning Dane. I think it can become harder where there's that interface with the rest of the world. Things you might not do on your own become suddenly appealing when you are with others. I often struggle with not feeling a part of...so, that's an added layer. For many years I did not drink at all, and did not have friends who drank either. I would like to be able to have a very occasional glass of wine..but it was never good for me to drink more than that. Don't worry about whether you can offer support or not. Sometimes your hands are full, dealing with your own stuff. We all offer when we are able to. I hope you're returning to some moments of finding your glass half-full again. Remeron for depression. Started at 7.5 mg. in 2005. Gradual increases over 8 years, up to 45 mg. in 2012.Began tapering in June 2013. Went from 45 to 30 mg in the first 3-4 months. Held for a couple of months.Started tapering by 3.75 mg every month or 2, with some longer holding periods. Eventually went down to 3.75 mg. about April 2014. Stopped taking Remeron August 2014. Developed issues with histamine a week after stopping--symptoms reduced through diet and a few supplements. Currently having issues with a few foods. Most of the histamine intolerance has resolved or is at least, in remission. Current Medications: Current Supplements: Cannabis (CBD and THC), Vitamin C, D, Quercetin, CoQ10, Tart Cherry, Probiotic, Phytoplankton oil, magnesium, Methyl B. What has helped me most: spending time in nature, qi gong, exercise, healthy diet, meditation, IV vitamins, homeopathy, massage, acupuncture, chiropractic, music, and cuddling my cats.. My introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/8459-mirtazapine-withdrawal-freespirit/#entry144282 Please note: I am not a therapist or medical practitioner. Any suggestions offered come solely from my personal experience in recovering from childhood trauma, therapy, and AD use. Please seek appropriate care for yourself. “After a cruel childhood, one must reinvent oneself. Then re-imagine the world.” ― Mary Oliver Link to comment
indigo Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Dane22. I have noticed that you do pretty well holding it together most of the time. Then your brother died and then WD symptoms flared and it was really hard. In my own recovery I've noticed that,like you, I can keep it all together most of the time, but when a big emotional stress event hits I have no reserve, and I'm devastated. For instance, I as doing O.K. for several months, managing withdrawal symptoms. Then couple of weeks ago, my remote country house was burgled.I was totally shaken up, couldn't sleep, obsessive dark thoughts, lonely, sad, scared. So I'm not suprised you fell apart following your brother's death. On 20 mg of Prozac for about ten years. Sept 2012 started reducing 10% a drop using gram scale, with average of one month holds. When I'd reached the half way mark, taking 10 mg powder out of the 20 mg capsules, I switched over to 10 mg capsules and cutting down from those. Withdrawals got harder the lower I dropped. May 2013 changed to 5% drops, holding until all withdrawal symptoms gone. January 2015 changed to liquid prozac (concentration of 20MG per 5 mL) using a 1mL oral syringe. Current dose of fluoxetine solution equivalent 3.4 mg. Any effort to drop below this has been disastrous so for the time being I'm staying at this level. Adding 200 mg Tryptophan and 200 GABA a day has helped with anxiety. Also take 1,300mg Omega- 3, 875mg Magnesium, 1800mg Curcumin, 1000mg Vit C, 5000 Vit D. Link to comment
Aliwill Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Dane, it's been a couple of weeks since you posted. I'm hoping that you are ok. Sending love your way. 2003 Zoloft for PND. No other Psych history before this. 2009 CT. Huge withdrawal. Voluntary hospital admission. Successfully stabilized on 40mg Prozac. 2012 CT after 2 years of tapering to 10mg. Another Disaster. No hospital admission. Stabilized 40mg Prozac 2014 CT after 2 years of tapering to 5mg. Destabilized but not as bad as previous. Found this site. Reinstated 5mg. Stabilized quickly but held for 6 months. Feb 2015 4mg Prozac March 2015 Tramadol for Pain after an OP. Didn’t realize it was an SNRI. March 2015 3 mg Prozac April 2015 2.5mg Prozac May 2015 2mg Prozac June 2015 Destabilized (After research believe it was delayed withdrawal due to the Tramadol) July 11th 2015. Updosed to 2.5mg Link to comment
Dane22 Posted August 20, 2017 Author Share Posted August 20, 2017 That's too bad. I wrote a heartfelt update and it didn't load. Reminds me of the frustrations of trying to post on this site long ago. I am well, medication free for two years. Posting on here because I received an email inquiring about a survey that reminded me about this site. Maybe another time I'll have the patience to attempt to post my recovery again. I hope you are all well. 1 September 2013. Diagnosed depression/anxiety. Start Prozac 10mg and slowly increase to 40mg. October 2013. Lorazepam 0.5mg prescribed for anxiety after complaining about nervous energy November 2013. prescribed a sleeping pill (name?) for insomnia. took once. ineffective. January to June 2014. psychiatrist agrees to lower dose to 15 mg due to side effects. August 2014 first attempt to quit cold turkey Lasted August 1, 2014 until October 1, 2014 November 2014 second attempt to quit cold turkey lasted Novemember 4, 2014 until Jan 13, 2015 January 2015 3rd attempt to quit cold turkey lasted feb 3, 2015 until feb 23, 2015 March 5, 2015 4th attempt to quit cold turkey. Link to comment
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