success ☼ freespirit: Mirtazapine withdrawal

[freespirit]

Thanks for the poem Tilly...it's beautiful and it's been many years since I've seen it.

 

I'm glad you're finding yourself able to take care of some health needs. You're doing and planning what's wise for you. I think it can be very important following up on such threads.

 

I go yearly for eye exams, because of having diabetes. Fortunately, I have an eye doctor that I like very well and the whole thing isn't an ordeal. Smears are another matter; I find the experience highly traumatic and do my best to avoid them. A number of years ago, I had a positive one and decided to be tested for HPV. I do not have that, nor am I sexually active, which means my chances of that cancer are almost nil. For the time being, I'll continue to not have those done.

 

I know that things can change, but I really don't see myself having another relationship. That isn't out of loyalty to my wife or even due to grief. It's simply that in most respects, I am much healthier on my own. I take much better care of myself when I'm single, and prefer living in a way where I am not constantly triggered into the trauma of my past. I feel broken when I'm with someone else, which highlights all the wounds I carry from my childhood. I feel more whole alone. I realize that's not the case for most people, but it's what's true for me.

 

I see this time of my life for me. It may sound selfish, but I've literally spent most of my life taking care of others. I don't want to pick up anyone's socks, and for sure, I don't want to take care of another dying person again. To me, relationship represents too many compromises that I'm no longer willing to make. I don't want to give up any time I spend doing the things that matter to me; I don't want to have to fight and argue for what sustains me. I don't want to have to apologize for the amount of time I need to be alone. I don't want to have to apologize for who I am, because of what's happened to me in my life. And I don't want someone else to abandon themselves on my behalf either.

 

A number of the widows I know say they would not want a partner caring for them at the end of their life--that's how I feel too. There's a huge price exacted for the person who is left behind and I wouldn't like to bestow that on someone else. I think the best I can hope for is that I can afford to pay for the care that I need, with the goal of being able to be at home as long as possible. I don't have the kind of friends who can or would provide that kind of care..and that's probably true for most people. It takes a particular sort of person to do that.

 

Whatever life choices one makes, there are a set of consequences that go with them. Perhaps being lonely and even dying alone, are small prices to pay for living in ways that are authentic for me.

[Tilly]

Thanks for the poem Tilly...it's beautiful and it's been many years since I've seen it.

 

I'm glad you're finding yourself able to take care of some health needs. You're doing and planning what's wise for you. I think it can be very important following up on such threads.

 

I go yearly for eye exams, because of having diabetes. Fortunately, I have an eye doctor that I like very well and the whole thing isn't an ordeal. Smears are another matter; I find the experience highly traumatic and do my best to avoid them. A number of years ago, I had a positive one and decided to be tested for HPV. I do not have that, nor am I sexually active, which means my chances of that cancer are almost nil. For the time being, I'll continue to not have those done.

 

I know that things can change, but I really don't see myself having another relationship. That isn't out of loyalty to my wife or even due to grief. It's simply that in most respects, I am much healthier on my own. I take much better care of myself when I'm single, and prefer living in a way where I am not constantly triggered into the trauma of my past. I feel broken when I'm with someone else, which highlights all the wounds I carry from my childhood. I feel more whole alone. I realize that's not the case for most people, but it's what's true for me.

 

I see this time of my life for me. It may sound selfish, but I've literally spent most of my life taking care of others. I don't want to pick up anyone's socks, and for sure, I don't want to take care of another dying person again. To me, relationship represents too many compromises that I'm no longer willing to make. I don't want to give up any time I spend doing the things that matter to me; I don't want to have to fight and argue for what sustains me. I don't want to have to apologize for the amount of time I need to be alone. I don't want to have to apologize for who I am, because of what's happened to me in my life. And I don't want someone else to abandon themselves on my behalf either.

 

A number of the widows I know say they would not want a partner caring for them at the end of their life--that's how I feel too. There's a huge price exacted for the person who is left behind and I wouldn't like to bestow that on someone else. I think the best I can hope for is that I can afford to pay for the care that I need, with the goal of being able to be at home as long as possible. I don't have the kind of friends who can or would provide that kind of care..and that's probably true for most people. It takes a particular sort of person to do that.

 

Whatever life choices one makes, there are a set of consequences that go with them. Perhaps being lonely and even dying alone, are small prices to pay for living in ways that are authentic for me.

Hi Free,

 

Your thoughts on health checks are very much aligned to mine. I do not see the need to endure unnecessary distress without due cause. Some are to be kept and some are very wisely opted out of.

 

I completely understand how being single can be healthy and non - triggering for some people. I am one of those people myself and feel that so many of my relationship issues are due to my need to be both independent, but part of a family I created for myself out of choice. It is a very hard balance to strike.

 

It is not at all selfish to want this time for you. Like you, I have cared for others - family, clients ant partners from an early age. In truth, it has wore me down and broken my spirit at regular intervals, only to be regained (partially) after much work and emotional turmoil on my part. I understand your need to be you, without explanation, compromise or further trauma. 

 

I have a sense that you have the strength of spirit to live independently and enjoy a fullness of life not experienced by most. All power to you in this.

 

Living authentically is the best / only way to live.

 

I wish you the best of everything, as always.

 

Tilly x

[Frustrated]

I think you show great strength and wisdom to be able to take stock of you life and see that you are better off on your own.  I think you should take the time to focus on yourself right now.  I certainly could not put focus on another human being right now between my issues, my children, and now my daughter not feeling well.  I hope your personal choices serve you well.  Hugs and warm thoughts.

[freespirit]

Thank you Tilly and Frustrated for your support. It's not easy making choices in life that go against the norm. I think it's difficult for women to chose to take care of themselves, first and foremost. We are often lead to believe that's selfish, that we really ought to be taking care of others, ahead of ourselves.

 

I burned out completely several times in my career too, which I understand much better now. It wasn't that I was not practicing self-care by meditating, walking, receiving bodywork and therapy....it was that I was never really meant to be doing that work in the first place. I wasn't well-served by working in minefields. I learned a lot about myself, and some things about humanity I wished I didn't know--namely, the extent to which humans can inflict harm on another. I was entrusted with very deep pain, and sometimes, great joy. I received a lot through what I did, but the toll was more than I cared to admit to myself, or to anyone else. It was another way in which I believed there was something wrong with me.

 

I had a wonderful visit with a friend yesterday. She's about to become a grandmother, and as a former hospice worker, is overjoyed to be engaged with cycles of birth and life. She too, burned out, after a number of years and is learning to care for herself in ways she neglected while working. It's a pattern we both saw with people in medical and hospice systems.

 

I was reflecting after she left on how much I've felt in recent years that my life is so much about endings and not beginnings..even though, a number of new things have come into my life. I think it's because nearly every part of my life has gone through a death. I seem to be daily called upon to let go of something or someone. I believe this is healthy, but it's not easy. I've lost family--mine and my wife's, friendships and teachers that were important to me, a spiritual practice I held dear for several decades, career, many beliefs about myself and the world, lost significant people through death...all in a few years. And I suspect one of the deepest losses is looming, in the sense of letting go of my home and the life I built here with my wife. But at the same time, I've been slowly but surely, building a new life...though much of it has been underground and is only beginning to become visible, at least to me.

 

At the moment, I'm no longer willing to just dwell on WD or believe that everything that's happening in terms of symptoms is due to that. I sense that something very big is going on. I couldn't say whether it's healing from WD or from childhood trauma, or that it's some kind of spiritual awakening..it might be all of those or none of those. But I do know that something is definitely happening, where I'm being called to surrender some of the things I've believed about myself and the world, that I'm being called to let go in deeper and deeper ways. I don't know where it's leading me, but I know that it's what I must follow.

[AliG]

Free,

 

I love your thinking . Can't say much , now, but I accept your knowledge on " patience".  Stay strong, accepting, patient & positive . Nurture yourself !!  I know you are. I'm learning from you.  Thanks.   Ali.

[freespirit]

Good of you to come by Ali. I'm still learning on all the things that you've mentioned...patience hasn't been my strong suit, but I'm getting better.

[ten0275]

hey free,

 

thanks for stopping by my post. i appreciate it immensely. things are coming around ok for me - but everything seems like learning to walk again on shakey legs. that is to say, there were problems and solutions when i was fully medicated, there were problems and solutions when i was in acute withdrawal, and there are problems and solutions in my current state of slow tapering and relative stability. and in all three phases of problems and solutions, the nature of the problems and my ability to solve them are vastly, vastly different. there are days when stress piles up and exacerbates any underlying symptoms. it's terrible, i know you know it. there are days when i get lost in the meaning or no-meaning of it all. it's hard to control the knee-jerk reaction to freak out. but i find that for the most part, i am able to take a more expansive look - even amidst physical and emotional pain - and understand the temporary quality of it all and the need to stay within it rather than run all over the place trying to flee from it.

 

it's so daunting what we deal with, you know? i mean not just the withdrawal, but simply being humans in this oft times confusing world. i feel like i am still learning so much - about who i am, about where pain has brought me, about where pain might take me, and about how fuller healing might present itself - and how i will recognize it for what it is. i try not to fix any ideals about what this healing might resemble. i just want to be open for its arrival.

 

anyway, all this to say that i hope you are hanging in there. i still come by from time to time and read your words. i've always enjoyed your posts. i used to have a cross country coach who said that when you get that pain in your side while running, run through that pain. it always hurt like hell, but i did it and most of the time, i'd finish the event. many times when i read what you write here, i see you writing through the pain. and when you write through the pain, you somehow manage to keep your posture and impart a sort of soft and comfortable wisdom. i don't know how you do it. and i have always appreciated that. you stick with it.

 

hang in there sister,

 

dave

[freespirit]

Dave,

 

What a wonderful post. I'm so glad you're finding your sea legs, though I can appreciate how wobbly one can feel. It is indeed daunting, to be human and be faced with all the complexities of life...WD or not. I think it's great that you're finding an ability to stay with things, rather than bolt. I imagine your meditation practice is helping in that regard too.

 

I think it's wise not to try and form an idea of what healing means or that it might be. Most often, our thoughts are too limited as to what's possible. Or it comes in ways that we refuse to recognize. I'm slowly learning about just opening to healing too, and not trying to control or figure it out, as I've so often done. And learning to accept that healing is quite often painful or uncomfortable, even when it means something more positive is emerging..something that perhaps doesn't fit with who we've come to believe we are. Or at least, that's a part of my experience these days.

 

I'm having these strange moments of finding that many of the things I did in the past, sometimes long in the past, sort of coming together in ways they never did before. Like all those years of Buddhist practices and listening to the teachers, where I got things intellectually, but not in my body. Now, they are coalescing in some very deep ways, that are physical. Or I'm remembering more fully my many years of sports, but in a different way than I experienced them in my youth. A sort of coming together of mind and body that perhaps never existed before. It is sometimes exhilarating and sometimes frightening, to feel a sense of inner power that has often eluded me.

 

I appreciate what you said about it seeming as though I can maintain some semblance of balance through the pain..and maybe that's what I was saying in the paragraph above. This is the first time in my life that I've attended to all aspects of my being at once..and also, the first time of not working, where I didn't feel guilty about not working. I joke to people that I've done "retirement" better than any job in the past...and though the not working won't last (I need to do a little something for a few years), I feel I've built a solid enough foundation, that I expect not to be so undone by work life when I return to it.

 

I always admire then ways you're able to express yourself Dave...thanks again for stopping by.

[Hibari]

Hi Free-I've been off line for my own posts but I wanted to thank you for your response on mind. 

 

I am just saying hello and wishing you continued healing.  

 

Free Spirit says "I'm having these strange moments of finding that many of the things I did in the past, sometimes long in the past, sort of coming together in ways they never did before".

I relate to this and it's is so well put in your posts.

 

By the way, I keep wanting to write Sprite instead of Spirit.   All the definitions I see point to the qualities you reveal in your posts-hope you don't mind being referred to that way in this moment.

[freespirit]

Hey Hibari, what 60 year old would mind being called sprite? No, I don't mind at all. Thanks for your good wishes and for stopping by.

[dalsaan]

Dave,

 

What a wonderful post. I'm so glad you're finding your sea legs, though I can appreciate how wobbly one can feel. It is indeed daunting, to be human and be faced with all the complexities of life...WD or not. I think it's great that you're finding an ability to stay with things, rather than bolt. I imagine your meditation practice is helping in that regard too.

 

I think it's wise not to try and form an idea of what healing means or that it might be. Most often, our thoughts are too limited as to what's possible. Or it comes in ways that we refuse to recognize. I'm slowly learning about just opening to healing too, and not trying to control or figure it out, as I've so often done. And learning to accept that healing is quite often painful or uncomfortable, even when it means something more positive is emerging..something that perhaps doesn't fit with who we've come to believe we are. Or at least, that's a part of my experience these days.

 

I'm having these strange moments of finding that many of the things I did in the past, sometimes long in the past, sort of coming together in ways they never did before. Like all those years of Buddhist practices and listening to the teachers, where I got things intellectually, but not in my body. Now, they are coalescing in some very deep ways, that are physical. Or I'm remembering more fully my many years of sports, but in a different way than I experienced them in my youth. A sort of coming together of mind and body that perhaps never existed before. It is sometimes exhilarating and sometimes frightening, to feel a sense of inner power that has often eluded me.

 

I appreciate what you said about it seeming as though I can maintain some semblance of balance through the pain..and maybe that's what I was saying in the paragraph above. This is the first time in my life that I've attended to all aspects of my being at once..and also, the first time of not working, where I didn't feel guilty about not working. I joke to people that I've done "retirement" better than any job in the past...and though the not working won't last (I need to do a little something for a few years), I feel I've built a solid enough foundation, that I expect not to be so undone by work life when I return to it.

 

I always admire then ways you're able to express yourself Dave...thanks again for stopping by.

Very interesting reflections. I wonder how much not working (doing) has actually helped you provide space to be. I think withdrawal has given me an opportunity to learn and grow that I would never have had without it.

 

Dalsaan x

[AliG]

Hi Free,

 

Hope you're going well.  I know that you are. Thank you for your support & encouragement !!

 

I  think you are " young  in spirit", which is what Hibari , means . I feel the same . "Amazingly" , after all this , I feel very young  & vital , most days.  I must be " healing" !

I agree with Dalsaan. " Interesting reflections".   " I think withdrawal has given me an opportunity to learn & grow that I would never have had without it".

 

I feel the same . It's like a "sabbatical " , almost, where we take time & care of ourselves.    However, it's not quite that easy !!

 

There is a price to pay, after this time on " drugs", and it's  not an " easy road" to go down. I think we all suffer the " fallout" , from this " medical experiment" , that the doctor's & " Big Pharma" , has put us through.

 

The thing is, that the " human spirit"  prevails & is very strong, at the " end of the day ".   So , we are all going to get through this, eventually & in a good way, particularly if we " stick around" here, to give & receive " support".

 

I do love your " sprite". LOL.

 

I do feel  that you have gone through , some sort of " spiritual  awakening" of sorts, during this whole process. I'm not sure what you think .

 

Back to Dalsaan's " learn & grow".   At the end of the day, I think that's what it's all about !  I think that's why we're here .

 

I think during this " process" we all go through  some sort of " spiritual  metamorphosis", that innately " changes us", forever.

 

Just some thoughts.

 

Ali.

[freespirit]

 

Very interesting reflections. I wonder how much not working (doing) has actually helped you provide space to be. I think withdrawal has given me an opportunity to learn and grow that I would never have had without it.

 

Dalsaan x

 

 

I'm glad you're able to view the opportunities that have come with wd for you. I haven't read all of your thread...were you not working for some period of time through wd?

 

I've actually had a number of periods of not working in the past 15 years. Unfortunately, I didn't always make the best use of those times. I felt very guilty when my wife was working and I wasn't. So, I about worked myself to the bone around the house and yard...trying to make up for how inadequate I felt for being unemployed or minimally employed.

 

This time, I was influenced a lot by finding out I was going to get a pension I never expected I'd see...so, having some financial backing meant I could not work for a period and not be worried how I'd pay the bills. That's never really been true before...that allowed me to decide to take time off to take better care of myself. And somewhere in that whole process, I came to feel I was deserving of the kind of care I'd only given to others before.

 

I'm seeing more and more in my life a sense of causes and conditions from the past/present playing themselves out. Even when I felt that things like meditation or qi gong weren't doing much of anything, they have been. I remember Jack Kornfield (Buddhist teacher) saying something at the end of the first retreat I did with him. He said meditation came down to this, "but your butt on the cushion and take what comes." It's about showing up and being willing to keep participating, through boredom, fear, frustration, pain (physical and emotional), loneliness, and the belief that nothing is happening. It's about for me, not abandoning myself in the difficult places, which is what I've done in some way throughout my life. I'm showing up for myself in ways that I never did before. That commitment I believe, is allowing some much deeper healing to occur.

[freespirit]

Hi Free,

 

Hope you're going well.  I know that you are. Thank you for your support & encouragement !!

 

I  think you are " young  in spirit", which is what Hibari , means . I feel the same . "Amazingly" , after all this , I feel very young  & vital , most days.  I must be " healing" !

I agree with Dalsaan. " Interesting reflections".   " I think withdrawal has given me an opportunity to learn & grow that I would never have had without it".

 

I feel the same . It's like a "sabbatical " , almost, where we take time & care of ourselves.    However, it's not quite that easy !!

 

There is a price to pay, after this time on " drugs", and it's  not an " easy road" to go down. I think we all suffer the " fallout" , from this " medical experiment" , that the doctor's & " Big Pharma" , has put us through.

 

The thing is, that the " human spirit"  prevails & is very strong, at the " end of the day ".   So , we are all going to get through this, eventually & in a good way, particularly if we " stick around" here, to give & receive " support".

 

I do love your " sprite". LOL.

 

I do feel  that you have gone through , some sort of " spiritual  awakening" of sorts, during this whole process. I'm not sure what you think .

 

Back to Dalsaan's " learn & grow".   At the end of the day, I think that's what it's all about !  I think that's why we're here .

 

I think during this " process" we all go through  some sort of " spiritual  metamorphosis", that innately " changes us", forever.

 

Just some thoughts.

 

Ali.

 

I appreciate your thoughts Ali. I'm happy to hear that you feel young and vital..which I imagine to be incredible, given your sleep issues. To me, that speaks to the resiliency of the human spirit.

 

I've found in myself and others, that the degree of spiritual metamorphosis varies a lot. In a nutshell, "it depends". I've seen others go through amazing changes as a result of things far less intense than wd. And I've seen some people go through huge upheaval and come through the other side with very few differences. Sometimes, I think age can be a factor in it..but not always. There are young people who can shift dramatically too. I suspect there are so many factors, some of which we can barely begin to understand. 

 

In work with the dying, the term "liminal space" gets used quite often. It's a time out of time, where one is living between 2 worlds. It's true not only for those dying, but for those providing care too. I think WD or grief can also be that same kind of liminal space. We are not the same as we were, and have not yet inhabited who we will become. If we don't fight against it, there can be incredible gifts in that space. But when we are really suffering, it's hard not to believe it shouldn't be happening and most of us tend to rail against it.

 

Most people would find this hard to understand, but of all the folks I worked with through my life, being with dying people was the ultimate work. It's largely due to the fact that at some point, people get that time is limited and all the posturing and being a this or a that kind of person falls away. Their true beauty shines through. Most of what we deem important in life (the right career, car, home, money, etc.) becomes irrelevant at that stage. What happens is a realization of the importance of all the small moments that normally pass us by, as we are on our way to the next big thing in life..there's a time of recognition that love, care, compassion and forgiveness are way more important...

 

I think going through any kind of "death" can bring those same kinds of realizations...only "it depends" on how open we are, how much that matters to us, and how possible it is for us to let go of who we believed we were..which in my mind, is probably one of our biggest limiters. Things like wd can push us to the edges we've not had to go to before...and we can find strength and beauty that had remained hidden, even for decades. Like Michelangelo said, "every block of stone has a statue inside it, and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it." 

[direstraits]

thanks for visiting my thread...

 

I just get so confused with these supplements;when I'm feeling better I think they're helping but then when I feel worse I think they;re not and stop taking them,maybe I should just keep taking them regardless...I don't know...

 

we just got kinnect for x-box 1,with all kinds of exercise programs;will start doing that as soon as I'm able.

 

hope you're doing well..xo

[freespirit]

Update

 

I haven't been on here much this week, as there have been a few things I had to attend to. One of my cats is sick (again) and getting meds twice daily, which has somehow contributed to the other cat having behavior issues (again). This has been the year of vet visits for sure, and behavior problem cat still has to go in and have a couple of teeth out. Wish I'd taken out pet insurance when they were little.

 

Have also been scrambling, trying to get a few things taken care of before the winter rains come. In staining the last deck, I managed to tweak my back again...so, will necessitate another visit with the chiro. I found out that my retaining wall is failing and will need to be replaced asap...so, scrambling to find someone to take of that too.

 

I noticed not only a drop in my mood but a worsening of the advanced sleep cycle happening. So, I thought I would gently introduce my SAD light as I've done for the past 8 years. I started out at 5 minutes, which is 1/4 of where I normally begin..the light is designed to be used for up to an hour, so this is really a very small "dose". While it was helping somewhat with times of sleeping, it set off a whole series of things that were not so helpful. I felt like I was back to being on the drug, which was horrible. My head felt like it was stuffed with cotton, I was clumsy, had low motivation, worsening temp. fluctuations, painfully dry eyes, and was irritable. It also made me start craving carbs and increased my appetite. Decided to quit after day 3. I'll have to find other ways to get myself through the dark, rainy days of winter. Seems the light is not an option. I can't stand anything that reminds me of how I felt on Remeron. It took a couple of days to feel a bit more normal again.

 

On the plus side, my digestion continues to be really good. I see the acupuncturist again on Tuesday, though not quite sure what exactly I'll ask for this time. My energy has been a bit lower, but that's typical for the change of seasons...same with more hot flashes at night. I guess the one good thing about the weather changing is that I'll soon be done with gardening for awhile. I always look forward to a bit of a break on that count...though I miss the excuse to be outside and just putter.

 

On the days I felt lousy from using the light, I rode my bike anyway. Being in the fresh air not only lifted my mood, I felt so much better physically as well. Maybe I ought to pitch a tent in my back yard and sleep outside too..lol.

[Altostrata]

How's your vitamin D level? I've found taking vitamin D3 drops (rather than capsules) is making a big difference in mood for me.

[freespirit]

Hi Alto,

 

I don't know what my vit d levels are. I'd have to pay for the testing and would probably have a hard time convincing a doc to even write the orders here. I was only take 1000 iu over the summer, because of spending so much time outside. I just upped it to 3000 this week. I read your post somewhere about the drops..I'm glad it's helpful for you. I made a note of it, and when my colon screening test is done..I will buy some drops too. Just wanting to not do anything to potentially aggravate my digestion at the moment..until the test is over with.

[JanCarol]

Hey Free - just dropped by to catch up - you are sounding quite amazing.

 

Deep.  Real.  Self sufficient.

 

Here's a quote, enjoy:

 

 

"Listen to your life.

See it for the fathomless mystery that it is.

In the boredome and pain of it

No less than in the excitement and gladness:

Touch, taste, smell your way to the

Holy

And hidden heart of it because in the

Last analysis

 

All moments are key moments,

All life itself is Grace."

 

- Frederick Buechner

  

[freespirit]

Love the poem Jan--thanks for sharing. Finding myself more open to receiving those kinds of blessings these days.

[UselessSpork]

Hey free, im sorry i havent posted in your thread sooner... or maybe i did already and forgot >.< either way, how have you been doing?

[JanCarol]

PS - to follow up on Alto's comment - I've been studying Vit D, too, with some surprising results. 

 

If I were a gambling woman, I'd take 20 to 1 odds that you are D deficient.  Vitamin D is not a "vitamin," but a hormone, or a protohormone.

 

People with white skin are the most efficient at making Vitamin D (melanin, which makes skin darker, protects people from Vitamin D toxicity in the sun).  But something about the sun and earth has changed since these skin colors started:  they did a study of white people surfing in Hawaii - 12 hours a day in the tropical sun - and 80% of them were Vitamin D deficient.  

 

We do get a lot of Vitamin D in our dairy - but that's not the whole story.  Additionally, as we age, it becomes harder to make our own Vitamin D.  And there are cofactors, but that's another story.

 

If you were severely depleted (rickets), you could take injections of up to 100,000 iu a day, but only for 3 days. (toxicity).  However, if you were mildly deficient, like most of us are, you could take 10,000 iu a day indefinitely, without reaching toxicity.  There are very very very few toxicity cases in the USA, and usually those are in the 100,000 iu range, not the 10,000 iu or less range.  After what I've read, I believe that many health issues can be traced to low Vit D3, and low magnesium.

 

I am currently on 5,000 iu, but will up it to 10,000 iu.  Our health system will not always pay for Vit D checks, so I have to go by how it feels, instead of a blood test.  You seem to be good at listening to what your body is telling you.  You live in a cloudy, high latitude.  It would not harm you to gradually increase your Vit D3 to see what else it clears up (skin troubles, sleep disorders, mood shifts, etc.).  It's amazing stuff! 

[freespirit]

Hey free, im sorry i havent posted in your thread sooner... or maybe i did already and forgot >.< either way, how have you been doing?

Thanks for stopping by us. I'm doing alright at the moment. Noticing the changes that happen internally, with the change of seasons. Winter in this part of the world has always proved a challenge for me. I grew up in a sunny, colder place..and while I got weary of snow too, I do miss those bright, sunny skies. I'm continuing to ride my bike and walk, no matter what..but I don't find being in the rain as much fun unfortunately. I need to work on my attitude towards grey skies I guess.

 

Read your thread and PM..sorry things are so rough for you right now. I'm having some good results from acupuncture. Would you consider trying that or something else? though it's a difficult call when things are more disruptive, to know if adding something is beneficial or not. I know a couple of cranial practitioners over your way, if you wanted to give that a go..I could pass their names onto you. I also know of a good naturopath on the mainland. maybe something to consider???

[freespirit]

PS - to follow up on Alto's comment - I've been studying Vit D, too, with some surprising results. 

 

If I were a gambling woman, I'd take 20 to 1 odds that you are D deficient.  Vitamin D is not a "vitamin," but a hormone, or a protohormone.

 

 

I appreciate your thoughts and Alto's on D deficiency. I've also read that there's a relationship between diabetes and low Vit D. People who are deficient are more likely to get diabetes and diabetics tend to be lower than other people in it.

 

I'm not eating any dairy, because of the histamine issue...but also, because I've discovered that without dairy, I have no sinus issues. That may or may not be affecting d levels now.

 

When I talked with my naturopath about Vit D last time, he told me that if I were to take more of it, I'd need to also supplement with Vit K (which I believe Alto is doing now). Otherwise, the balance between some of the minerals can get out of whack. Trying new supplements has always been an issue for me, long before AD and WD. My gut simply is not happy with a lot of what I've tried taking over the years...and I'm especially cautious right now, because I've had such good digestion for the past 5 weeks...I don't want to screw it up, so will go very slowly with anything I try.

 

I would love to go and have another Meyer's cocktail from the naturopath. Very often, that once a month hit keeps me in better spirits, better sleep, and less pain through the winter. However, I've been spending more money on chiropractic and acupuncture, so have to forgo that right now. I just had acupuncture yesterday and want to give that the full chance of whatever it's going to do, before I change or add anything else.

 

I generally have taken 5,000 units a day through the winter of D..and maybe will again. I can't believe that I'm actually getting a little more patient around just doing one thing at a time! That's a miracle for me. Am just going to hold where I am for the moment.

 

I'd be interested in hearing what you know about the other co-factors too Jan.

[JanCarol]

Caveat:  MOST people can take up to 10,000 iu of Vit D with no toxicity and ill effects.  There are always exceptions to that, people who react to things, especially in withdrawal.  Of course, you probably know that, but I had to say it.

[freespirit]

Thanks for the clarification on that Jan. Even though I took 5,000 iu last winter, there's no guarantee of that this year. Everything is changing all the time it seems.

 

As an update, I had my 2nd acupuncture treatment yesterday. I rode my bike in the AM, as strenuous exercise isn't recommended following the session. I did take a gentle walk down by the ocean after dinner though, which was deemed as okay.

 

I woke up at 3:30 AM and had some trouble falling back to sleep. I don't know how much of that had to do with the treatment and how much is just my worry about the cat problems we're going through right now, as well as worries about finances. I was a bit like a bear with a sore head today and it should have been a day to stay home. However, there were numerous things to be taken care of like an oil change for my car, picking up medicine and food for the cats, and food for me. I intended to take a nap this afternoon, but didn't quite get around to it.

 

I remember not feeling totally great following the last acupuncture treatment either, but after a few days, there were great benefits. She said I could expect to feel some big shifts in things I've been working on for a long time. Apparently, there's something I need to let go of in her view of things...but what that might be, I don't know. I do feel as though some things have been sort of stuck or I've been waiting on a long time..and maybe something will move or resolve around those. I can always hope that something changes, though change is sometimes surprising and not always easy.

 

It's raining, so not sure if a bike ride is on for this evening or not. It might be another walk, though walking doesn't seem to do what biking does for my mood. Yesterday was a no qi gong day, so tonight, I plan to do a longer session, including a meditation. A friend lent me a couple of video games, which I want to try. I

 

Since my wife died, I seem to have more trouble adjusting to changes in the seasons. There are obvious reasons for some of that, like heading into the time of year when diagnosis first happened, or when she began to seriously decline. But more than that, it's like I have to remember each time how to "do fall" or there's more of a sense of being at loose ends, restless, and not the usual anticipation of that parts that I like when seasons change. Like being more of an introvert, fall used to be a time I looked forward to. Now, I think more about lonely, dark evenings.

 

I'm going to fix myself a nice dinner tonight, and turn on the pellet stove. All the small things I can do that change as the outward world changes too.

[UselessSpork]

 

Hey free, im sorry i havent posted in your thread sooner... or maybe i did already and forgot >.< either way, how have you been doing?

Thanks for stopping by us. I'm doing alright at the moment. Noticing the changes that happen internally, with the change of seasons. Winter in this part of the world has always proved a challenge for me. I grew up in a sunny, colder place..and while I got weary of snow too, I do miss those bright, sunny skies. I'm continuing to ride my bike and walk, no matter what..but I don't find being in the rain as much fun unfortunately. I need to work on my attitude towards grey skies I guess.

 

Read your thread and PM..sorry things are so rough for you right now. I'm having some good results from acupuncture. Would you consider trying that or something else? though it's a difficult call when things are more disruptive, to know if adding something is beneficial or not. I know a couple of cranial practitioners over your way, if you wanted to give that a go..I could pass their names onto you. I also know of a good naturopath on the mainland. maybe something to consider???

 

Bike rides! its great that you are doing that. and dont worry i feel the same about dull grey skies, honestly though its the pure white overcast days that are the worst, if there is wind (not rain) and it looks like a storm is brewing i kind of enjoy that xD its interesting at least. also, i might try acupuncture, and the other things you mentioned sound interesting.. the only problem is i have no money :< i cant work that much anymore and even when i was before i was still making next to nothing >.<

[freespirit]

The money issue is definitely problematic. I'm not sure how far you are from Vancouver, but there are likely a number of student clinics that offer treatments. I found this one for osteopathy: http://www.osteopathy-vancouver.ca/about-the-clinic/?It doesn't say if the treatments are free or not, and it doesn't start til January...but you could get on the list. Here's one for acupuncture: http://www.tcmcollege.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=4&Itemid=10 Treatments aren't free, but are cheaper. I expect there are other acupuncture or chinese medicine clinics in the city or even out your way. Langara has a student clinic for cranial sacral, but that doesn't start until the spring I think. It gives you some idea, if there is some modality you're interested in and can make your way into the city, you might find low or no cost treatments a possibility. A lot of times, students have to complete a certain number of treatments on their own too, and those are usually free. I had to do that for cranial training. Clients in the clinics often seemed to get good benefits. It's always a consideration, working with a student, so it's worth asking what kind of training and supervision people get. Some acupuncturists offer community treatments, which are also low cost...so, just some possible options, even with limited funds.

 

If you're at all interested in cranial, I can contact my former instructor at Langara. Students in the program will be starting to do treatments at home and I could find out when clinics are too. Let me know. Cranial can be very powerful, but is a gentle way of working. It might not be appropriate right this moment, but I always find it's good to have options available for when the time is right.

 

Here are clinics through Langara: http://langara.ca/continuing-studies/programs-and-courses/programs/cranial-sacral-therapy/clinics1.html?=faqs.html

[UselessSpork]

thanks free, i posted in my thread about it. i don't wanna high jack your thread

[AliG]

Hi Free'

 

Just saying  Hi.  I find the weather affects my mood tremendously. It's so much easier to  feel good, when the sun is out & it;s blue skies.  We've just gone into Spring here, and it's a really lovely time of the year. My favourite.    I can understand your drop in mood, but maybe the vitamin D will compensate, and bring it back up. Also , i think we tend to do less exercise etc, which then has a carry on effect.  I hope it resolves for you.  Let's know how the vitamin D goes.           Ali.

[manymoretodays]

The money issue is definitely problematic. I'm not sure how far you are from Vancouver, but there are likely a number of student clinics that offer treatments. I found this one for osteopathy: http://www.osteopathy-vancouver.ca/about-the-clinic/?It doesn't say if the treatments are free or not, and it doesn't start til January...but you could get on the list. Here's one for acupuncture: http://www.tcmcollege.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=4&Itemid=10 Treatments aren't free, but are cheaper. I expect there are other acupuncture or chinese medicine clinics in the city or even out your way. Langara has a student clinic for cranial sacral, but that doesn't start until the spring I think. It gives you some idea, if there is some modality you're interested in and can make your way into the city, you might find low or no cost treatments a possibility. A lot of times, students have to complete a certain number of treatments on their own too, and those are usually free. I had to do that for cranial training. Clients in the clinics often seemed to get good benefits. It's always a consideration, working with a student, so it's worth asking what kind of training and supervision people get. Some acupuncturists offer community treatments, which are also low cost...so, just some possible options, even with limited funds.

 

If you're at all interested in cranial, I can contact my former instructor at Langara. Students in the program will be starting to do treatments at home and I could find out when clinics are too. Let me know. Cranial can be very powerful, but is a gentle way of working. It might not be appropriate right this moment, but I always find it's good to have options available for when the time is right.

 

Here are clinics through Langara: http://langara.ca/continuing-studies/programs-and-courses/programs/cranial-sacral-therapy/clinics1.html?=faqs.html

 

Hi Freespirit,

 

I am just relating I think.  September 29th is looming large for me this year.  The grief thing.  Getting through the beauty of fall without my friend who suicide d over a year ago.  And I hope this isn't too depressing for anyone.  Anyway.........somehow the 29th has become more of an anniversary than the actual death date........good or bad...........I don't know.  His soul.........hmmmmmm.........it just kind of seems like his soul is hanging around lately.  Not in such a bad way........but as someone who believed in me.   I suppose another round of thank you to him will help.  I keep going through these 5 things when grief rears up..........just saying them or writing them usually helps.  I Love you.  I forgive you.  I'm sorry.  I miss you.  and then thank you.  There that helped.

 

Do keep posting about your acupuncture.  And here is a question for you...........how do tell if a acupuncture place is reputable?  I just happened to walk by a place last week and they do sliding scale prices too...........but still feel kind of hesitant about going in and scheduling or even calling them.  I don't know if it's a trust issue or financial worry.........the why don't I?  Or the not wanting to take further responsibility for my own health.  Or appointments are just a pain.

 

And oh yes........the season change.  And a lunar eclipse on Saturday I think.  Much more actual darkness does make it more difficult for me.........or I think it is doing so this year.  Which is odd.  I usually, past couple of years, have done well in the fall and winter.

 

I am trying really hard to ward off the possibility of a long wave.

 

It sounds like you are healing really well though.

[freespirit]

Hi Ali,

 

I think some of us are more affected by weather, just like many other things. I still bike and walk, but am not spending as much time outdoors...because there isn't daily yard work to do. I do on occasion, bundle myself up and sit on my zero gravity chair out on the covered back porch. That's when one of the cats isn't in it though...lol. They get first dibs at everything!

 

This sign explains what I fear about the winter: "you and your own tedious thoughts for the next 200 miles."

[freespirit]

I appreciate your thoughts on grief MMT. Those 5 things are what I often say to my wife too. Maybe fall in general brings more thoughts of grief, to those of us who are more acutely mourning someone or something. I'm sorry about losing your friend to suicide...which I consider one of the hardest kinds of losses to deal with.

 

About your question on acupuncture, I actually think it's wise to be cautious. Is there anyone you can ask for a recommendation? That's how I found the woman I'm working with--a friend, who is also very sensitive (but not in WD) has been working with this acupuncturist for awhile. I'd also met her previously at a client's memorial service and liked her. Your reluctance may include all of the things that you mentioned. But I really believe it's important to be careful with ourselves, especially when we are more vulnerable. I waited quite awhile after getting the recommendations for this woman and for chiropractic, before I followed up. And I told myself I'd be ready to walk out in a moment, if something didn't feel right. And fortunately, both practitioners have been very accepting of me setting the time frames (I'm going a month or a bit more between treatments) and about having input on what does or doesn't work for me. Having the boundaries within me helps me feel safer...and I also know, that both practitioners respect my inner knowing of my body/mind. Personally, I'd run from anyone who tries to override that or professes to know more than I do about my body. Caution=self-compassion in my mind.

 

It's possible too, that the timing isn't quite right for you on seeing a practitioner...if so, you could still dip your toe in by asking around about a referral..or go online and read some websites of acupuncturists in your area. I tend to do a lot of that, before I see someone anyway. Wish you well with it.

[manymoretodays]

Good idea on asking around first.  I will do that.

[manymoretodays]

All of that sounded really good as far as moving into something new.  And........I am hoping to find or start some Yoga teacher training somewhere soon.  A different modality but something that may really help rewire me and also lead to more opportunities.

 

I think that you are right.......fall and grief feelings possibly going hand in hand.  I used to love the school years.........such a nice way to offset the doldrums, and getting out there and starting a semester.  We can grieve so much I suppose, if we put our minds to it.  Scott is gone........I miss him mainly.

 

This orphanhood/W/D/being alone is not so bad really...........well, I guess what I am saying is that you guys are wonderful.  I am so glad I found my way here.  I will be working on my acceptance speech for when I get that sunshine thing by my name and am classified as healed.  It'll probably be a huge let down.......LOL......arriving there.  I am only kidding.  It'll be huge!

[Tilly]

Thank you Tilly and Frustrated for your support. It's not easy making choices in life that go against the norm. I think it's difficult for women to chose to take care of themselves, first and foremost. We are often lead to believe that's selfish, that we really ought to be taking care of others, ahead of ourselves.

 

I burned out completely several times in my career too, which I understand much better now. It wasn't that I was not practicing self-care by meditating, walking, receiving bodywork and therapy....it was that I was never really meant to be doing that work in the first place. I wasn't well-served by working in minefields. I learned a lot about myself, and some things about humanity I wished I didn't know--namely, the extent to which humans can inflict harm on another. I was entrusted with very deep pain, and sometimes, great joy. I received a lot through what I did, but the toll was more than I cared to admit to myself, or to anyone else. It was another way in which I believed there was something wrong with me.

 

I had a wonderful visit with a friend yesterday. She's about to become a grandmother, and as a former hospice worker, is overjoyed to be engaged with cycles of birth and life. She too, burned out, after a number of years and is learning to care for herself in ways she neglected while working. It's a pattern we both saw with people in medical and hospice systems.

 

I was reflecting after she left on how much I've felt in recent years that my life is so much about endings and not beginnings..even though, a number of new things have come into my life. I think it's because nearly every part of my life has gone through a death. I seem to be daily called upon to let go of something or someone. I believe this is healthy, but it's not easy. I've lost family--mine and my wife's, friendships and teachers that were important to me, a spiritual practice I held dear for several decades, career, many beliefs about myself and the world, lost significant people through death...all in a few years. And I suspect one of the deepest losses is looming, in the sense of letting go of my home and the life I built here with my wife. But at the same time, I've been slowly but surely, building a new life...though much of it has been underground and is only beginning to become visible, at least to me.

 

At the moment, I'm no longer willing to just dwell on WD or believe that everything that's happening in terms of symptoms is due to that. I sense that something very big is going on. I couldn't say whether it's healing from WD or from childhood trauma, or that it's some kind of spiritual awakening..it might be all of those or none of those. But I do know that something is definitely happening, where I'm being called to surrender some of the things I've believed about myself and the world, that I'm being called to let go in deeper and deeper ways. I don't know where it's leading me, but I know that it's what I must follow.

Oh my love, I empathise so much with you in this post.

 

I will post later in more detail when I am able to give your post a worthy response, when I am better able to respond and express myself. In the meantime, I wanted you to know that you are very much in my heart and in my thoughts.

 

Sending you love and wishing you healing and peace, as always.

 

Tilly x