success ☼ freespirit: Mirtazapine withdrawal

[freespirit]

Thanks Miss Trish. I was touched by your post.

 

I did wake up in a much better space this morning.

 

Even though I felt grumpy, I went out in the afternoon and started cutting back vegetation around the fences. Actually, it was kind of a good job for my mood...especially hacking away at the stuff from the neighbor's side. I managed to get everything done and it's now ready for me to sand and wash.

 

I felt a bit better after eating dinner and went down to the beach for an evening walk. It was lovely and though I still wasn't in a great mood, it was good for me to be out. I ran into a neighbor and we had a good b**** about the woman who lives between us, who has been a source of irritation for both of us. Once in a while, complaining can be a good thing. I felt much better coming home.

 

A few nights ago, I'd woken up in the night with incredible itching from the stupid hives. Normally, I put some benadryl cream on or magnesium lotion. I obviously wasn't really thinking and reached for a benadryl pill.. I should really toss them out I suppose. I remembered last night that I stopped taking them because they seemed to produce a big emotional backlash...as well as having a rebound effect on allergy symptoms. Well, this time there was no increase in allergy symptoms, but perhaps yesterday's anger might have been related to taking that 1 allergy pill.

[MissTrish]

You're right; there is a definite downside to antihistamines, at least for me and that makes sense since Remeron has such strong antihistamine qualities.  Not sure what else would work on hives, though.

[freespirit]

It's the first antihistamine I've taken in 8 months..and yep, going in the trash today. I need to buy more benadryl cream, which usually works. I've not had hives this bad since I stopped taking remeron. I'm wondering if it is not food at all, but more to do with the heat, working on the fence, and possibly the stain itself.

[Tilly]

Stopping by to send you love. You are in my thoughts daily even when I'm not present here.

 

Tilly x

[freespirit]

Thanks Tilly...I appreciate you thinking of me.

[freespirit]

I saw the chiropractor a week ago. My back is a little better or maybe different than it was. The work was deeper than I thought it would be, but I managed with it okay. I'm going back to see her in about 10 days. I figure I'll give it a couple of times to see if it helps. I still have pain, but now am also experiencing parathesia in that area. The tinnitus came back...but my digestion is a lot better...

 

Since I've seen her, I've also been very emotional. A lot of sadness and loneliness mostly. But whether that's the time of year (June was very hard last year too), very slight decrease in the SAD light, the chiropractic treatment, or plain old WD..that's an unknown.

 

I took my very sad heart outside every day and continued staining the fence. I listened to music and with being outside and engaged in something, the sadness was much easier to handle. But each day (and for the week before too), I've been feeling the need to lie down and sleep in the afternoons. I'm still sleeping most nights, so it isn't that I'm particularly tired. It's something I experienced when I was recovering from a brain injury too...a kind of exhaustion that is different than physical tiredness. Rest seems to be the only thing that helps. The naps have not interfered with falling or staying asleep. Evenings have been harder emotionally this week.

 

A friend gave me the name of her acupuncturist and I'm considering that too. She was also recommended by someone else that I know. I don't want to get back on the merry-go-round of seeking treatments all the time. Financially, I can't afford it...I will likely have to stop seeing the massage therapist and naturopath for a bit, if I'm going to do something else. But more importantly, I don't want to get caught in chasing symptoms and hoping someone else can fix them. But, having a sore back is limiting my enjoyment of things, as well as what I can actually do. Even doing qi gong hurts a lot of the time...

 

I'm still waiting on the tart cherry supplement to arrive. I realized I need to pick up some vegetarian capsules and likely divide the pills up. I'm thinking I'll start with 1/4 of the dose once a day and see how that goes. I seriously hope it can help some with inflammation.

 

Have done nothing regarding the situation with my doctor. While I'm curious about the x-ray of my back, not enough to go in to see him. Too bad you can't look up results the way I can for blood work. He wants me to come every 3 months for results of the diabetes blood work...I look it up online and only go in if something is amiss. It's a waste of my time and a waste of the medical plan for me to go for what I consider unnecessary visits. All it does is give him more chances to try and ply me with medication...I haven't called to see if I could get back in to the doctor I saw in the past...perhaps not ready to hear bad news on that count.

[AliG]

  Love the rose. David  Austen??   Confused though . Thinking you're Lexy.   Why the change??   Having trouble adjusting.   It's ok. Just a bit of O.C.D.  I'll get over it. Hang in there.

[freespirit]

Hi Ali,

 

I changed my avatar...love roses. Yes, it's a David Austin Rose--Abraham Darby. I planted this particular one last year on our anniversary. Sorry if it's confusing...just needed a change.

[MissTrish]

Hi Freespirit, glad you saw your chiro so at least you know you are doing everything you can be doing.  Sounds like you are settling into the rhythms of real life.  It occurs to me to wonder if you are also beginning to really experience the grief of your loss that perhaps you were unable to fully feel while medicated.  I know that is true for me; I feel so much more now that I am less medicated.

 

>>>I don't want to get caught in chasing symptoms and hoping someone else can fix them.<<<

Yes, I understand this.  It was chasing symptoms and wanting a fix that led me to psych drugs in the first place.

 

Forgive me if I have posted this before, but this is one of my very favorite quotes and I always try to remember it.  One does not have to have a specific belief in a deity, IMO, to understand or relate to it, but the author of the quote went through some extreme grief himself.

 

“The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one’s ‘own’ or ‘real’ life.  The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one’s real life – the life God is sending one day by day; what one call’s one’s ‘real’ life is a phantom of one’s own imagination.  This at least is what I see at moments of insight; but it’s hard to remember all the time.”  C.S. Lewis

 

Thinking of you and sending you serene energies.

[AliG]

 I get that.  Your post's are fairly inspirational.   I grow "David Austin" roses. Love/ love.  Nice quote - "trish".   Change is good, Free.  

[freespirit]

Thanks Miss Trish. I tend to find it much harder when hit with both physical and emotional things at the same time. I'm just feeling deeply weary, not just physically...but tired of being in recovery. As I mentioned before, since 2007, it's been one thing on top of another. I get this is all somehow part of my life, but having some reprieve would be very welcome.

 

In addition to the physical pain and feeling heavy of heart...I've developed a rash on my abdomen and chest...either due to taking a bath with fresh lavender and lemon verbena...or some lotion used when I had a treatment with the chiropractor..or who knows what? At least I skipped the benadryl and have used a cream with arnica and calendula that seems to be helping with the itch.

 

There's a quote by Yogananda that I've thought of often in recent years, "Your trials did not come to punish you, but to awaken you - to make you realize you are part of Spirit and that just behind the spark of your life is the flame of infinity"  I've been very committed to finding meaning through the difficulties, not in spite of them...but at the moment, I feel as though I'm being punished by the challenges. I'd like to sit down and throw a temper tantrum..if only it wouldn't upset my cats.

 

I think it's very possible I'm feeling grief I didn't feel earlier...though for the first 18 months, I cried more than I have in my entire life...pretty much daily for the first year at least. It's almost all I did through that time, with very little distraction. I had an email from a friend of mine whose husband died around the same time as my wife. She is also finding the 3rd year surprisingly difficult, feeling a level of reality the loss that is very hard. So maybe some is typical of this time period.

 

I know there were other things I set aside through the time of my wife's illness...such as losses related to my own health, the death of our 2 cats, loss of family members..plus, I was still recovering from my car accident when she was diagnosed. I imagine I'm feeling the effects of these other losses too. I found myself crying about our old cats this week...

 

There were times when I was so overwhelmed by sadness and longed for moments of not crying. Now, in spite of feeling sad, it's rare for me to be able to cry. Even listening to sad music doesn't do it for me anymore...yet, I feel as though there would be some relief in shedding tears now. In a strange way, I miss having a good cry. It's interesting how much we long for things to be different, only to long for them to go back to the way they once were.

 

I may have pushed myself a little too hard working outside this week and it may well be contributing to how I'm feeling right now. I'd like to say I feel some satisfaction around painting the fence, but I don't. I'm just wondering how soon I can get it all finished...

 

I have friends coming for dinner tomorrow night. I know they will be accepting of however I am emotionally...but wouldn't it be nice to enjoy some part of the evening? The last time I had friends over, all I could feel was grief over them doing the things I feel I will never do again (getting married and building a new house). I know I can't be certain what the future might hold, but right now, I sense that part of my life is over and done with. Most of the time, I feel okay and even healthy about being on my own..right now, it feels like one more part of the punishment.

[MissTrish]

Sending you hugs.

[direstraits]

sorry you feel so bad -I'm not too good either

 

I felt devastated when my father died because it was so sudden ( hit by car) & I was already feeling burnt out from caring for my disabled daughter for 31 yrs.-then thrust into the position of caring for my mom-think I was overwhelmed w/it all-then my daughter passed away 9 mos. after my dad-which was probably a blessing in a way-there was a sense of relief -then we moved 3 wks. after she died-turned 50 the same month-like so much happened in a short time I think my head was spinning

 

anyway,I don't know how grief fit into all this-still feel like I'm dealing w/stuff 10 yrs. later plus this awful WD;it's rough

 

sorry  for bending your ear-thanks for listening -hope you feel better soon xoxo

[freespirit]

Sending you hugs.

Thanks..hugs gratefully accepted! I guess I just needed some time to feel sorry for myself. I feel guilty about doing that on here, knowing I'm not dealing with a lot of the symptoms of wd that others are. I did an hour of qi gong, a meditation, and went for a long walk...it all helped lift my mood and got me off the negative loops I was in...I did enjoy having my friends here for dinner. Will see what today brings.

[freespirit]

sorry you feel so bad -I'm not too good either

 

I felt devastated when my father died because it was so sudden ( hit by car) & I was already feeling burnt out from caring for my disabled daughter for 31 yrs.-then thrust into the position of caring for my mom-think I was overwhelmed w/it all-then my daughter passed away 9 mos. after my dad-which was probably a blessing in a way-there was a sense of relief -then we moved 3 wks. after she died-turned 50 the same month-like so much happened in a short time I think my head was spinning

 

anyway,I don't know how grief fit into all this-still feel like I'm dealing w/stuff 10 yrs. later plus this awful WD;it's rough

 

sorry  for bending your ear-thanks for listening -hope you feel better soon xoxo

 

That's a lot to be faced with at once DS. I think when things come that way, it does take a long time to move through the grieving process..as we can only deal with what we can in the moment. I'm sorry things got dumped on you that way. Losing someone suddenly is a very different process too, with no time to say good-bye or work through anything. The shock itself can last a long time.

 

Seems like wd heightens a lot of the grief..plus, there's the aspect of feeling things that one couldn't feel when on a higher dose of meds. Not very pleasant, but seems to be part of the healing process.

 

I hope things ease for you in the near future. The seemingly endless suffering is hard to endure.

[direstraits]

thanks,freespirit as always for your wise & comforting words.

 

I'm glad you were able to enjoy your friends company;that's great!

[freespirit]

This has been a very up and down week for me. It's been a few months since I've been on this much of an emotional roller coaster. I literally have gone from feeling fine one minute to feeling really down the next.

 

I know part of it is not feeling well physically and this is beginning to wear on me. Back pain has been very bad again this week, limiting what I can and can't do. I see the chiropractor again this coming week. If it doesn't help, I am going to try acupuncture. I've lived with chronic pain for years, but not with this degree of severity...at least not without having it change. This has been going on since last summer, with a few periods of it feeling better...but this last round has been worse than at any other time.

 

I started taking the tart cherry supplement a few days ago. I just open the capsules and take a small amount. So far, just some minor stomach upset. I've read that some studies show it's highly effective for arthritis pain, and is also good for balancing blood sugar, has melatonin that helps with sleep, it's a natural antihistamine, and it can help with mood. If it works, this could be a good thing.

 

I've been thinking a lot this week about the impact of my wife and I both being on antidepressants for much of our relationship. In so many ways, we both felt very removed from life..and somehow, we never thought too much it was from the AD. I thought I was going to be on them the rest of my life, had become resigned to it. My wife had just begun tapering Effexor when she was diagnosed with cancer. It took her dying to wake me up, to realize what the drugs had done to me...the one thing I can be thankful for is that even though we were both taking AD, we went through her illness and death in a very conscious way. We had the conversations we needed to have. In some sense, we found our way back to one another...but there is still grief about so many lost years..and now, no chance to have any of that back. It seems like there's a lot to feel sad about these days.

 

My weight loss has slowed down hugely over the past few months. No matter how I eat or exercise, almost nothing is coming off right now. It's frustrating. At the rate I'm going now, I'll be 80 when I finally lose the weight I gained on the stupid drugs. I guess I should be thankful of losing some, and of going in the right direction with it....but patience was never my strong suit.

[ten0275]

freespirit, hi.

thanks for stopping over on my thread. i am always thankful for your words.

sorry the last week has been so peak-and-valley for you. it never ceases to amaze me how we can go through periods of relative stability only to find ourselves on the super-duper-looper of all roller coasters. i was really moved by your writings about your wife, your relationship, the role that the ADs played in your relationship, and the conciousness you both found and maintained as she bore her illness and ultimately passed from this life. it really moved me the way you wrote about this. i can tell the sadness is still absolutely visceral for you. you are such a strong woman. you are doing a lot of work inside yourself. this is very evident and lovely.

how is your garden coming along? here, the peas are climbing, the tomatos are flowering, the lettuce is being eaten, and there are already little teeny watermelons on the vine. our labors that we undertake with a focused heart, a focused mind, cannot but bear fruit.

hang in there, sister.

dave

[freespirit]

Thanks for stopping by Dave and for your acknowledgment of things as they are..it means a lot to me.

 

My lettuce is more or less going to be finished soon, as it's been very warm. I've enjoyed having greens (lettuce and chard) twice a day. The zucchinis are just started to produce. There are more herbs than I know what to do with! It's good that I kept things simpler than last year--it makes it less overwhelming to look after.

 

I find visiting the emotions around AD and my wife to be very painful. I have so much regret over the person I became, which in many respects, I simply did not see at the time. I look back and think she must have have had the patience of Job to put up the woman I turned into. As I more and more come back to myself, it becomes glaringly obvious how far away I was from that person in the years we were together. I can more easily forgive her, than I can myself.

[freespirit]

Now I Become Myself

~ May Sarton

 

^{Now I become myself. It's taken              
Time, many years and places;
I have been dissolved and shaken,
Worn other people's faces,
Run madly, as if Time were there,
Terribly old, crying a warning,
"Hurry, you will be dead before--"
(What? Before you reach the morning?
Or the end of the poem is clear?
Or love safe in the walled city?)
Now to stand still, to be here,
Feel my own weight and density!
The black shadow on the paper
Is my hand; the shadow of a word
As thought shapes the shaper
Falls heavy on the page, is heard.
All fuses now, falls into place
From wish to action, word to silence,
My work, my love, my time, my face
Gathered into one intense
Gesture of growing like a plant.
As slowly as the ripening fruit
Fertile, detached, and always spent,
Falls but does not exhaust the root,
So all the poem is, can give,
Grows in me to become the song,
Made so and rooted by love.
Now there is time and Time is young.
O, in this single hour I live
All of myself and do not move.
I, the pursued, who madly ran,
Stand still, stand still, and stop the sun!}

[MissTrish]

This is beautiful, free!

[freespirit]

The waves are big today..up..down..up...down

 

How you learn to live alone

~ Jonathan Jackson

 

"you live inside the rubble, until the rubble feels like home.

that's how you learn to live alone"

[direstraits]

such a beautiful,touching song -sorry life is so difficult  xo

[freespirit]

Thanks DS...it just seems like any wrinkle in my life evokes the grief..and the feelings of going through whatever it is alone..and the sense I will always be alone. These days, I'm unable to handle any measure of stress, without it upsetting my whole nervous system. Sometimes, I wonder if that's permanent or not. After all, my nervous system before meds was a mess...so, it's not like I have some normal functioning like some people had.

[GardeniaBlossom]

Thank you so much for sharing that song, FreeSpirit. I have not read your whole thread yet, but I would like to and hope to soon. You seem to be resourceful and deeply insightful. Thank you for sharing your hard won wisdom and insight here. 

[direstraits]

Thanks DS...it just seems like any wrinkle in my life evokes the grief..and the feelings of going through whatever it is alone..and the sense I will always be alone. These days, I'm unable to handle any measure of stress, without it upsetting my whole nervous system. Sometimes, I wonder if that's permanent or not. After all, my nervous system before meds was a mess...so, it's not like I have some normal functioning like some people had.

hey,that's the first time the quote worked!

 

yeah,I have trouble with stress ,too. think I've reached my limit-I guess my nerves have always been a mess ,too

 

is there anyone you can talk to about this?I' m sorry you're so alone (((hugs)))

[freespirit]

I have a couple of friends I can talk to...but that does not seem to relieve the sense of loneliness. In fact, sometimes when I've felt more connected with another person, it makes me feel even more alone later on. That might have happened last week, following my friends being here for dinner. I still get triggered somewhat being with couples too...it reminds me of what I don't have. I've had a sense of aloneness my whole life, so this is not new. But in the years I was with my wife, I finally felt there was another human being who really got me, and who accepted me, neuroses and all. 

 

Since my wife died, there have been a million decisions, some large and some small. It's been hard making nearly every one of them. Everything seems to carry more weight than it used to. This year, I'm doing and having done some big jobs around the house...with yes, lots of decisions. It also means I'm moving towards being able to sell this place, which I need to do because it is not manageable financially or physically for me to keep up. I can feel with each job being done, I'm getting closer to letting go of our home...which I face with very mixed emotions.

 

WD seems to have heightened a sense of loneliness, for a variety of reasons. Maybe it's because that's been a deep thing for me through my life, and it's just an exaggeration of that feeling....perhaps it's more neuroemotion than emotion...but how do I separate those??

[direstraits]

I think I would be terrified of being alone-I've never been alone in my life-I don't think I'd know how to be in the world ,if you know  what I mean-my main focus for 31 yrs. was caring for my daughter-it just dominated my life for so long it was hard to focus on anything else-even my other daughter-which I regret tremendously-even tho she has turned out very well,thank God

 

I think I've always felt very alone in my life,too.never really felt connected to my family-few friends-very shy as achild -guess I still am quite a bit-and then my life situation just seemed to further isolate myself-life can be very hard.

 

yea,I wonder ,too how much is the neuro-it's hard to know.

 

I just hope that things will get easier for us xo

[freespirit]

I hope things ease as well DS.

 

I've lived alone a lot of my life, and before I met my wife, had spent a lot of years not in relationship either. In some ways, I know how to do alone well..and maybe a little too well. It's been my default position to a large degree, as a kind of protection. But in other ways, I'm having a hard time now as you say, "knowing how to be in the world."

 

It's very different though, losing someone to death, than it is going through a breakup. I always used to be able to bounce back, although it took me awhile. I know that I'm grieving and going through the process...I just never anticipated I would still feel the way I do, this far along. I'm doing lots of things I couldn't do in the first year or 2, but because of WD, not doing much at all socially. I don't have the confidence to get out to meet new people. What would I talk about--grief or WD? Neither of those seems like topics most people would want to hear anything about!  I rely on the very few friends that I have here...some of whom are very busy, so I don't see them very often.

 

Like the lines from the song, I'm living inside the rubble, but the rubble doesn't yet feel like home.

[Tilly]

Thanks Tilly...I appreciate you thinking of me.

I think of you daily. Every moment that I spend time in / witness nature. I want to share it with you

 

I feel your pain and loss through my own experiences. I was a carer for several family members who had terminal illnesses. Grieving takes time and follows paths not foreseen. The only thing that I can offer is a listening ear that truly understands and a hand to hold to alleviate the pain to a degree.

 

I am here for you. Never be afraid to reach out. I am here for you and offer you the love that you need to mend the break in your heart.

 

I send you warm hugs and love galore. If I can help in any way, just ask. I will.

 

Love and the warmest most comforting hugs to you,

 

Tilly x 

[MissTrish]

I have not been through what you've been through, Free, so I can only imagine what your grief must be.  I have several friends who have lost spouses this past year and I see what they are walking through and it's rough.

Wishing you the very best.

[freespirit]

Your message touched me very deeply Tilly. Thank you for your very generous offer to support me. Reaching out for help is still an ongoing learning for me.

 

It's interesting you said that you think of me when you are in nature. I find that too...so often, when I'm walking, I'm thinking of you. I'm not able to walk as much these days, because of my back being so sore...perhaps some of the loneliness is the loss of time spent in nature.

 

Sending warm hugs back to you.

[freespirit]

I have not been through what you've been through, Free, so I can only imagine what your grief must be.  I have several friends who have lost spouses this past year and I see what they are walking through and it's rough.

Wishing you the very best.

 

Thanks Miss Trish. I deeply appreciate your companionship, support, and presence on here. May we all be free from suffering.

[freespirit]

I broke down last night and took a T3...first one in almost a year I think. I'd had a massage and instead of feeling better, the pain was even worse. It hurt not just standing, but also sitting and lying down. I slept for 9 hours and I could tell I was resting more comfortably. Only woke once because of the cats...but went straight back to sleep. So far, no repercussions from the pill. Even if that's the case, it's not something I'll do again anytime soon. I want to find other ways of dealing with the pain.

 

The chiropractic visit this morning was good. She did some adjustments to my spine this time and there was a bit of relief with that.  She's going to pass along some information to me on a diet plan to reduce inflammation, as well as some suggestions for neurological support. She suggested I try ice for back pain. While that isn't even remotely appealing, I'm going to give it a try. I'm desperate at this point for some relief. I'm supposed to take it easy today after the treatment, so it will probably be my exercise-off day this week.

 

The chiro told me that she has worked with dancers who swear by this mix in the bath for pain: 1 cup epsom salts, 1 cup hydrogen peroxide, and 1 cup baking soda. That's worth a try too.

 

My mood is definitely better today. Even having a short period of pain relief is helpful.

 

It's a cloudy day. The cats are napping--I think I might join them.

[Flowers]

Hello Freespirit

 

I haven't been around for the past few days or so and am so sorry to read that you are going through a bad time. You are going through so much with your grief, back pain and WD too.

 

I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Maybe the process  you are going through Is all part of the grieving and healing process.   I guess that the pain of your loss will always be with you but hopefully you will over time be able to cope better. With WD in the loop though it must be so hard. 

 

I have lost loved one's over the years and have gone through guilt, anger and regret. Time was the real healer.

 

It's good that you got some benefit from the chiro treatment and that you are feeling a little more cheerful today.

 

I am always here if you need a friendly shoulder.

 

xxxx

[freespirit]

Thanks for stopping by Flowers.

 

The chiropractor believes that the back pain is in part, related to the grief...as well as to the car accident I had. I think that could be the case. The previous treatment definitely brought up some grief..and I think this one has too. But instead of feeling sad today, I'm just a grump.

 

I feel like I've hit by a mac truck. In my mind, the jury is still out as to whether more vigorous treatment like chiropractic, is the best thing for me. It never was in the past, but I'm open to trying different things at this point. I really like the chiropractor and that helps.

 

A number of years ago, I saw an osteopath in this area. I found her very odd in terms of her personality. It was after my car accident and my back was very bad. She did one short treatment, announced me cured, and said I wouldn't need to come back. Well, my back felt somewhat better for part of that day...but no, I wasn't cured and didn't feel inclined to go back. Should I consider seeing her now? I prefer the gentleness of osteopathic or craniosacral treatments...but dont feel very patient about strange practitioners at the moment.

 

Maybe I need to just live with it and not be seeking treatment? Who knows?

 

I know time does make a difference in terms of the grief. The pain is not what it was in the first 2 years. But the missing never seems to go away. Some parts I think you just learn to live with.

 

I have a sense there is something I'm resisting...but I don't know what it is. I feel like a 4 year old, that would like to sit down and throw a tantrum right now.

 

I thought a swim would help, but it hasn't...maybe a walk or bike ride after dinner and some qi gong will make a difference.