success ☼ freespirit: Mirtazapine withdrawal

[freespirit]

John,

 

I now that writing to my doctor has no impact on the system. I think it's highly unlikely it will have any impact on him either. He will in all likelihood, write me off as "depressed person". But, I need to say something to him, for my own mental health. Too often, I've walked away from things like this and done nothing..and I ended up feeling worse as a result.

 

Forgive my pessimism, but I'm not convinced that saying anything to this government will do a thing either. I mean, if we had hundreds of thousands of signatures, maybe. But short of that, they are likely to just dismiss it. I'm not sure what will make a change in things. I wish I knew. I find it almost unbearable to know how many people are being harmed by the way we do medicine here (not just mental health). But what is needed is a revolution, not just a few folks signing a petition or standing up in some way. Unfortunately, there are still so many people who believe in the principles of western medicine and abide by what the doctor tells them. Even fewer people understand the problems with AD and other psych drugs. I think even some of my friends believe I'm a bit of a nutter about my stance on these meds.

 

That being said, if you feel it's important to stand up and be heard, I would be willing to sign something and to encourage some of the people I know to sign it as well. Maybe as you said, having something recorded is useful. It's a beginning I guess. I'm just an all-time low regarding my feelings towards doctors and western medicine at the moment.

[freespirit]

just wanted to say "hi" and I'm thinking of you-hope you're OK, XO

Thanks for stopping by ds. I keep meaning to post something, but each time I sign on, have been unable to write. This is probably one of the worst waves I've experienced in the past year...but I'm managing as well as can be expected with it.

[freespirit]

 Hi F, Thank you for your support, care & concern. 

 

 It's very different here. we are not  beholden to our doctors.  We can change , very  easily. I only "use", mine now , for "blood tests", etc.  I know what I want & just ask for it . I know they do not know more than me. In fact, it's the opposite. I know more than them.  I think we have to be our own "health advocates".  At this stage, I think we all know more than them.  That is certainly,  how I think , at this stage.   I am not on any "medications" & plan on keeping it that way. The more I can stay away from Doctors & the "medical establishment", the better & healthier, I will be.  I know that now.

 

I agree with you about staying away as much as possible. Western medicine has very little that I find useful. I can be my own advocate, but it's tough when you are doing that and doctors hate it. I know much more about my own body than any doctor would, and yet, they constantly dismiss that..and seem to feel the need to dominate and be in control. I can only hope that the new doctor is a bit more willing to work in partnership, and at least not be negative about the things I do to take care of myself. I'm in a very different place going in to start this new relationship with a doc, than I was with the last guy. I'm going to have to find a way to take the edge off though, because I want this to work for me. I can't go in hating the guy, before he's even had a chance. But I'm stronger and much more determined to take care of myself, and not put up with bs from a doctor. What I'm looking for is entirely different now. I hope that is to my benefit.

[freespirit]

All week, I've been thinking of what has changed over the past year. In a couple of days, it will be exactly a year since I jumped off. But as I've said, it's been a pretty intense wave.

 

On the good side of it, though everything else has been in turmoil, I am still sleeping through almost every night. I average 7-8 hours of good, deep rest. The majority of the time, it's the cats that wake me. Every once in awhile, I wake during the night, but am able to go back to sleep right away. Consequently, the rest of the symptoms are a bit more manageable.

 

The wave has been both physical and emotional. My digestion seems to have been hit the worst. Of course, I've contributed to that by sometimes eating things that have been a problem over the past year. I had a few days of feeling like a rebellious teenager, while knowing that wasn't the ideal path to take. I'm just so incredibly sick of feeling so restricted around eating. I know I'm so much better off than a lot of people, but that doesn't seem to help much. I don't enjoy having to eat this way, and feel like a freak sometimes.

 

Yesterday, I got some new floaters....after finally feeling that my vision was back to normal. My eyes have been very dry in general, and sometimes, almost painful because of that. Drops help only temporarily.

 

This wave has not been accompanied by a lot of pain, for which I'm grateful. I've had a few times of worsening back pain and have thought about seeing the chiropractor again..and am also considering acupuncture.

 

However, this wave started after that last treatment...although, several things added to that...including the unfortunate exchange that happened on my thread. When you have ptsd, are in wd...well, feeling like you are being ridiculed can trigger the nervous system. What happened here was similar to what I experienced from my family, as well as what has occurred with doctors. It has taken me a bit to feel like I wanted to post anything of substance on here again. I thought about not continuing. But, except for this one experience, people on this board have been exceptionally kind and supportive.

 

I've continued to feel a lot of sadness and very profound loneliness. Nothing at all seems to have impact on these things. It's like having a heavy cloud hanging over me, that follows me, no matter what's happening in my outer life.

 

But in spite of the wave, I've managed to not only continue with exercise, but do more of it, without any apparent negative impact. On the contrary, being outside on my bicycle is the one time I almost always feel happy. It brings back memories of being a kid, and feeling happy and free out riding. I feel as though I've been let out of prison. I'm avoiding the swimming pool, as I'm sure I'd be easily triggered by people there. I sometimes find it hard taking a day off exercise, which I know is actually beneficial.

 

I finally completed staining my fences this week, though I was in a terrible mood a couple of the days. And even after staining all day, I was able to go for a 45 minute bike ride in the evenings. I have more energy than I ever did on Remeron, and for several years before that.

 

While there have been moments of total frustration about this wave, I'm also more able to view it as temporary..and also, I can still see what's changed over this past year.

[Altostrata]

freespirit, it does sound like you're seeing some improvement.

 

Have you ever tried a foam roller for your back pain? I roll about on mine lengthwise and it seems to loosen up tense muscles and relax me overall. It massages the muscles on either side of my mid-back.

 

I would definitely write the letters. Not with the expectation they'll change things -- though you would be surprised, sometimes they move the needle a little bit -- but as a ritual to put a specific anger to rest. You send it out on a little boat....

 

Please don't be worry about being sad and lonely. I would not be a bit surprised if you're still grieving.

[direstraits]

it sounds like you can still do a lot even tho you're in a wave;that's good.

 

I think it's easier when you've been athletic all your life.( I haven't).

 

my husband and I got bikes last year but still haven't used them;I'm hoping that changes once the weather cools down.

 

hope you see a window very soon. XO

[johnmtz]

Well how about both. Write to your previous doctor and then BC Health and mention to the doctor you are writing BC Health (and College of Physicians and Surgeons)...That will get his/her attention. The doc that messed me up is still in practice but I put a bad reference about him on a Web site called:  RateMD.com.  That will help others keep away. I did not bother to write him since I knew he would just toss it (he had a very mean demeanour anyway). So I used other electronic channels and media to warn people.

 

Writing takes (painful) effort and I'm not sure it is cathartic but it will "move the needle" as it were, if you stay focused. I would also not attack Western medicine (that will turn the establishment away from listening).  I would just advocate for better treatment of mental illness and specifically indicate that there needs to be a better awareness that any psychotropic drug has consequences that needs to be understood.  And for mild mental illnesses anyway, counselling should be tried as a first line of treatment.  At least they may listen. I would not attack Western medicine (although I agree it is the problem) as then they may think you are just a mental case and tune out.

 

Personally, I believe in science and it is not so much Western medicine as it is a paucity of science and understanding of cellular/molecular interactions. Remember, "doctors" are not scientists. They are practitioners and, as such, have about as much scientific knowledge as a freshman undergraduate. I should know, I was in medical school for 2  years before I left (I was in the top 10% of my class at U of Cincinnati) but I hated it and went into engineering. Engineering is by far way harder intellectually than medicine ever was. All we did in medical school was memorize and do deferential diagnosis based on a simple binary tree. Most doctors just take a hunch based on their "experience". Sometimes the hunch ends up correct. But it is never 100% certain. I would also say that "Eastern" medicine is also based on experience but not exact science. We need better science and research. But unfortunately, we are probably 100 years away from really understanding all the neurotransmitters in the brain, the genes involved, and the neuronal map and connections, etc. So these "doctors" are just guessing and shotgun a chemical without really knowing how it will end up.

 

Anyway, keep it focused and keep the complaint germane to the problem that poor treatment options are being administered without any consideration of the affects of tolerance and withdrawal. 

[freespirit]

freespirit, it does sound like you're seeing some improvement.

 

Have you ever tried a foam roller for your back pain? I roll about on mine lengthwise and it seems to loosen up tense muscles and relax me overall. It massages the muscles on either side of my mid-back.

 

I would definitely write the letters. Not with the expectation they'll change things -- though you would be surprised, sometimes they move the needle a little bit -- but as a ritual to put a specific anger to rest. You send it out on a little boat....

 

Please don't be worry about being sad and lonely. I would not be a bit surprised if you're still grieving.

 

Thanks Alto. Yes, things are definitely better than a year ago.

 

I haven't tried a foam roller, but will check that out. My muscles aren't really tight, but I think if it helped me relax as it does for you, that would be a good thing. It seems to be nerve pain, whether from wd or something else, I don't know. It has improved a lot from the chiro treatments.

 

I very much like the idea of sending my sentiments out on a little boat. Rituals can be very powerful.

 

I know I'm probably still grieving..but I don't like it! I bet the focus for the last 2 years on wd has taken energy away from grief. Now that I'm feeling better, it can come up...sadness is not so bad. I struggle with loneliness..it makes me feel like a loser.

 

Appreciate you stopping by. Hope you are well.

[freespirit]

it sounds like you can still do a lot even tho you're in a wave;that's good.

 

I think it's easier when you've been athletic all your life.( I haven't).

 

my husband and I got bikes last year but still haven't used them;I'm hoping that changes once the weather cools down.

 

hope you see a window very soon. XO

 

I hope you're able to get out on your bikes. We bought ours years ago, and I hardly rode until this past year. I gave my wife's bike to a friend, who rides it all the time.

 

There's a sense of freedom that can come with riding. My friend says the same thing as I do..she feels like a kid again. I've had so much physical pain for a long time..well, it feels like a miracle to be able to exercise and not hurt. I have significant arthritis in my feet, so walking isn't as much fun as it used to be. 

 

Thanks for your good wishes. I hope you see a window soon too.

[freespirit]

 

 

Anyway, keep it focused and keep the complaint germane to the problem that poor treatment options are being administered without any consideration of the affects of tolerance and withdrawal. 

 

I agree. I wouldn't attack western medicine in a letter, as it would serve no purpose.

 

I don't personally believe that counseling is necessarily a better option than meds though. I was at least as harmed by therapy as I have been by AD. In fact, all that therapy was very much a contributing factor to me ending up on Remeron in the first place. For some people it helps, but there is a great deal of potential for a lot of harm....especially for people with PTSD, or really for more sensitive people, for those who do not fit the "norm". I would be as likely to see counselor as I would be to take AD again. Or as I've told my friends, if there was a nuclear disaster and the only other person alive on the planet was a therapist...I would be living on the other side of the earth from them.

 

I intend to first sit down and write the letter I do not plan to send. That gives me free reign to say whatever I please. I'll then write a 2nd or 3rd one that I can send. I've been told I'm good at these kinds of things, expressing clearly in way that can be heard.

 

I respect that you value science and have some hopes for the future around discoveries.

 

I'm not holding my breath for any research on what works or doesn't. I think research can be so manipulated by those doing the study, or by those that take the data and make it say anything that they want. Someone always has something to gain by the research. I've heard GiaK say this and I agree; she is doing research, in a systematic way, with her own body. That's the only research that really matters to me--what impact does this or that have on my body/mind/spirit?  We might learn more about how the endocrine system or neurotransmitters work, but that may tell me very little about my body and experiences. For me, there is so much beyond the physical anyway, and my interests lie far more in the spiritual realm. This path of healing is only partly about working through the damage done by AD for me..that was a starting place, but is by no means, the ultimate purpose. 

[AliG]

 Hi Free, thank you so much for your positive encouragement , on my thread. It means  a great deal to me , as I value your opinion.

 

 I'm sorry that you have also been in a "wave", but it does sound like you have had some improvements.    I think it's great that you ride your bike and that you're getting lots of exercise. Your description of riding , and how good it makes you feel , makes me want to run out and buy a bike.  Do you have lovely places to ride ?  Alto's suggestion of a "foam roller" sounds good too. I might try it, myself.

 

 I'm glad you can sleep.  That's key and makes such a difference , for "recovery". It's something I'm still struggling with. 

 

 I'm trying to decide about "therapy" as I've been "burned" too.  I feel a lot of "pressure " to go back, even though it's never helped. 

 

 Take care of yourself,  Hugs ,  Ali.   I hope you get a lovely "window" soon.

[freespirit]

I appreciate you stopping by Ali. I'm sorry you're still struggling so much with sleep. It makes everything else a great deal harder to cope with.

 

There are some great places to ride here, though I wish we had more paved bike paths. This summer, I've been out exploring trails I've never been on before...and riding in neighborhoods I hadn't seen. My bike is a cross between a mountain bike and street bike...which means it's a bit heavy, but has wide tires that are good for unpaved trails. I haven't yet ridden all the way on one of the trails, that goes from my town to the next one. It's 26 km. return trip..a little beyond my capabilities still, but I'm working my way up to it. I'll be sad when the rain comes and I can't ride very much.

 

What's making you consider therapy--just the outside pressure?? I know you've said before that you didn't find it useful. For me, not helpful and causing harm are 2 different things. It's irritating and I hate wasting money when something doesn't help..but walking away feeling terrible about myself is too big a price for me. Too much of it has actually been traumatizing. Is there a particular kind of therapy you're thinking of?

[freespirit]

Update

 

It's a year today that I jumped off Remeron. I'm in a wave at the moment of unpleasant symptoms--upset stomach, weird head sensations, poor digestion, eye floaters, lower energy, pain in my hands, lower mood, tendency to rumination, irritability, feeling somewhat lost, more sadness and loneliness. But I do want to make note of what's changed over the past year:

 

1. Sleep--gone from sleeping 1 or 2 hours at a time to resting through the night, nearly every night 7-8 hrs.

 

2. Energy--from having very low energy to feeling more energy than I have in probably 15-20 years.

 

3. Brain fog, poor cognition and memory--huge improvement, to what I would consider normal. A year ago, I could not read anything and remember or follow movies.

 

4. Hearing--from almost constant tinnitus to very rare. Can now hear conversation in noisy places and can hear the tv at a normal volume.

 

5. Physical pain--have gone from constant muscle and or joint pain to having little that is a big problem. Back pain that started becoming worse a year ago is significantly less. In general, I have little muscle tension--except when overexerting and the response seems more normal. I no longer suffer from fibromylagia type of pain; it used to be if one thing hurt on my body, it would spread everywhere and get significantly worse. I typically took tylenol 3 every night, or I could not sleep.

 

6. Weight--I have lost 47 of the 70 pounds I gained on Remeron. Still a way to go, but I look and feel like a different person.

 

7. Histamine issues--when I first jumped off, I was sneezing 20 or 30 times a day, had a constantly runny nose, frequent hives, migraines, dizziness, nausea, and terrible digestion. Almost never have nasal allergies anymore, no migraines and very few headaches, but still have hives sometimes, and room for improvement on digestion. Have added a few foods back into my diet, but not as many as I'd like to. I think acupuncture might be a big help with this part, so will likely follow up with that.

 

8. Mood--my mood was pretty good for a long time after jumping off--even with how horrible I felt physically. In some ways, this year has been more difficult on that count. But it's also very likely I am still grieving, so I can't say for sure how much is related to that. One thing is, I'm getting increasingly better at coping and not letting myself go down the rabbit hole of rumination like I used to.

 

9. Blood sugar control--I had a lot of lows and a number of highs after jumping off. These days, both of those are extremely rare. For the past year, I've managed minus any medication. My A1c (3 month average of blood sugar) has been in non-diabetic range for the last year.

 

10. Overall health--since jumping off, changing diet, and improving exercise, I've been able to get off asthma, pain, allergy, and reflux meds.

 

11. Motivation--I have gone from feeling like a total slug to completing a lot of projects around the house and yard. On the drug, I had to push myself to do anything. Now, even when it's something I don't enjoy that much (like cleaning out a spidery, messy shed), it's not hard to get going on it. I've done jobs here that have needed doing most of the time I've lived in this house..and done them by myself for the most part.

 

12. Anhedonia--one of the worst things for me while on the drug. Life felt like drudgery to me and it was hard to enjoy much of anything. Even when in a wave, there are things I still enjoy--riding my bike, being with my cats, nature, music. When not in a wave, there's more pleasure in simple things than I ever felt even in the biggest events when I was on the drug. Gives me a lot of hope for the future.

 

13. Social interactions--was very irritable after jumping off, and along with feeling lousy physically, spent nearly all my time alone. Irritation is so much less than it was, even when in a wave. I do okay with people I know, but feel more anxious with new people. This is one area of my life with lots of room for improvement. Being alone is safe for me..I need to push myself beyond this more.

 

14. Work--I was working very minimally through wd and when I first jumped off. Within the next 6 months, I need to do something about my work/financial situation and/or sell my house. I am hoping by the fall to feel well enough to either go back to what I was doing or find something else part-time I can do. Not sure if this is realistic or not...time will tell...but I think I'd be doing better mentally and emotionally too, if I was working a bit and felt a little more part of the world.

 

I'm sure there are things I've forgotten, but these seem like the main ones anyway.

[Frustrated]

WOW!  One year!  That is huge!  Congrats on that.  I am glad you have been able to see where you have had improvements.  I hope the next year year will bring further healing for you.  Many blessings to you and a wish for healing.

[freespirit]

Thanks frustrated, for your good wishes. I send thoughts of healing for you too. I hope we are all in a much better place by next year.

[Hibari]

Free Spirit I just picked up on your posts here and wanted to say hi and offer you my support.

 

You have been so generous with your encouragement and insights on my thread and I did not realize you are in a wave right now.

 

It's hard to keep the faith when we don't feel well and our emotional life is in upheaval. I read your posts on sadness and letting go. As I read them I thought how willing you are to look deeply within while managing a wave at the same time.

 

I think your journey has meaning even in your great discomfort. I don't believe we are meant to go through this healing and not reap the benefit of our effort. I know sometimes spiritually are meant to let go of the goal, but I am choosing to believe you will continue to heal and ultimately thrive.

 

I am wishing you a long period of relief soon, I truly feel you deserve it.

 

Sending you a big hug and please know you are not alone.

 

Hibari

[freespirit]

I appreciate your kind and thoughtful words Hibari. I don't feel this suffering is for naught either. Your post reminded me of this:

 

“A Prayer
Refuse to fall down
If you cannot refuse to fall down,
refuse to stay down.
If you cannot refuse to stay down,
lift your heart toward heaven,
and like a hungry beggar,
ask that it be filled.
You may be pushed down.
You may be kept from rising.
But no one can keep you from lifting your heart
toward heaven
only you.
It is in the middle of misery
that so much becomes clear.
The one who says nothing good
came of this,
is not yet listening.
”
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, The Faithful Gardener: A Wise Tale About That Which Can Never Die

[Hibari]

What a beautiful prayer Free Spirit and so inspiring.

 

 

We are in the spiritual trenches right now but if I feel I am being held in the hands of the universe, I can keep going.

 

Have a peaceful rest of the night or day.

 

H

[freespirit]

Thanks Hibari. I find reading inspirational or spiritual things helps in the more difficult moments. That book is one of my all-time favorites--it accompanied me through a very dark time in my life.

 

Had my first appt. with the new doctor this afternoon. He agreed to have me repeat the screening test. But beyond that, I wouldn't consider it a great meeting. I didn't find him to be any better at listening than the last guy I saw. I still have my goal, which is to be as healthy as possible, so I can have the least amount of contact with any western medicine. Once he sees my medical records and how well managed the diabetes is, he said he might agree to blood testing every 6 months, instead of every 3. So, as long as I'm doing alright, I will only need to see him once a year for my 1 med and requisition for blood work. I can live with that..and it won't matter if I don't like him too much.

 

The wave is now starting to affect my sleep. The past couple of nights, I've woken in the middle of the night..no sweats or low mood, just wide awake for a couple of hours.

 

I saw the naturopath this morning, with the hope of helping my nervous system settle again. He did some bodywork, and gave me some homeopathy. I hope both work. Not sure exactly why I'm finding this all so difficult right now, but I am. Maybe it's just the cumulative effects of more than 2 years of coping with wd symptoms.

 

I'm realizing I might need to take it a bit easier in terms of exercise, so will cut back a little again. That part is hard, as it helps my mood more than anything else at the moment. But I'm going to divide the exercise up a bit more and not work out as strenuously.

 

I came across some information on the effects of childhood trauma on AD use and also, on physical health. It was sobering, to say the least, to see the impact on multiple systems in the body. It reads like the set of withdrawal symptoms. While enlightening in some respects, it was also very triggering. I still wonder how much of what I'm currently dealing with is wd and how much is the trauma. I'm sure there's a lot of overlap. I'd hoped there would be more information on healing, but the focus seemed to be more on the damage that's done. Not very helpful when you're already feeling low.

[freespirit]

Having a really hard day. After all the medical stuff I went through with my car accident, followed by my wife's cancer treatment..I feel like I have PTSD related to medical things. It seems to keep getting more and more difficult to do anything like blood tests or doctor's visits. I'm slightly better with practitioners I feel comfortable with..but I was even on edge seeing the naturopath this morning--and he's never given me any reason to distrust him. Lots of anxiety this evening, combined with feelings that I've done something wrong, a deep sense of dread.

 

Not feeling well physically either. The past 4 or 6 days, I've had a sense of fullness in my stomach. This is what I experienced when I first jumped off and it hasn't really been this bad since then. I feel like nothing is digesting. Because of my medical anxiety, I really don't want to investigate anything. But what if all this physical stuff is not WD? I'm not sure what I'll do if the 2nd test comes back positive for blood. A colonoscopy could really mess up my recovery. And I hate facing into all of this alone.

 

Guess I better try to do some qi gong and see if I can settle a little...and hope I can sleep a bit better tonight.

[AliG]

 Free, I hope  you feel a bit better soon, and manage to get a bit more sleep.   It's so hard to know what is "withdrawal", new medical problems as a result, hormonal  and old trauma . I find it so confusing as well, and have a fear of doctor's & tests.  This does make it extremely difficult, doesn't it? 

 

I've decided to leave the therapy alone for now. I think I just thought I should be pursuing all avenues , for healing at this time, but I think I have enough on my plate, for now. I don't want to throw any extra stress into the equation. I think our "nervous systems" need  calm, at this time.

 

I hope you get out on your bike again , soon. You're lucky to have some lovely places to ride.   Take care of yourself,  hugs,  Ali.

[direstraits]

sorry you're not feeling well and things are so difficult right now.

 

being in WD just makes everything harder to deal with.

 

I just hope everything will be resolved soon and you can concentrate on healing again.

 

sorry you feel so alone in this (((hugs)))

 

my thoughts and prayers are with you.   love,ds

[freespirit]

Ali, I'm relieved you're giving therapy a miss for now. I know that I'm incredibly biased, but I worry about people who have very difficult histories..and are more vulnerable, due to WD. I agree with you about us needing rest, and probably, a minimum of meddling. Sometimes though, it's challenging to sit on your hands and do nothing...especially when the waves hit.

 

It took me hours to fall asleep last night, but once I did, slept about 4 hours straight through. I listened to some meditations, then music, until I got tired of having ear buds in. It was cooler than it has been, so my little female cat came and cuddled for a long time. Did my best to enjoy what was good and not worry too much about sleep.

 

I imagine many of us feel increased medical anxiety due to wd. All the weird and awful symptoms that present themselves make it hard not to be worried at times. What I went through with the last doc has also increased my impatience with the western model of medicine. I hate being treated like I'm an idiot and know nothing about my own body. I found it shocking that the doctor yesterday did not even ask 1 question about symptoms related to digestion. He obviously feels very strongly about "screening aggressively" as he put it. Doctors these days do very little doctoring. It's nothing but tests and drugs. I hope he doesn't push me on statins, because like you, I have zero intention of touching them.

[freespirit]

Thanks DS....wd just plain sucks a lot of the time. I find it a full-time job trying to take care of my health and am exhausted by the whole thing. I try to imagine not having to plan my life around how I'm feeling, what I can or can't eat, whether it's a day that I can exercise or not...like just being able to do things, when you feel like doing them.

 

I know you've been suffering with this for a long time, with little respite. I really hope there's some relief in sight for you too.

[freespirit]

I fell asleep fine last night, but woke up after 4 hours. I was wide awake, but in an okay emotional state. I listened to a big sky meditation by Jack Kornfield: 

It's the same thing I listened to the night before. This is a longer version than the one I have on audio. If you're physically uncomfortable and looking for a way to focus on something else, this meditation has you bringing awareness to sounds first..then on other things. It's intended to bring a broad awareness, where you can feel more spacious. I was awake for awhile afterwards, but after the meditation, felt calm and even happy. A very different sense than the insomnia I've had in the past. Eventually, I went back to sleep..I avoided looking at the clock, so don't know how long I was awake. 

 

Today, I'm tired, but the good mood has remained...even though I'm not feeling any better physically. 

 

I ran out of quercetin, so had to buy a different brand in town. This one seems to bother my stomach, so will have to order more of the other one. Thing is, I notice the one I've been using this week seems to lift my mood..too bad it's not so good on my tummy. I was out of probiotics for a few days too. Maybe these 2 things are the reason for my digestion not being so great. 

 

I made an appt. for acupuncture, but can't get in until almost the end of Sept. I'm leaning towards going back to the chiropractor again, even though the last visit resulted in a wave. I'm going to talk with her about going more slowly and I think she will respect that. I still feel the work is beneficial for me, especially in terms of releasing some of the past trauma. 

 

The painters arrived this morning, to start working on the outside of the house. Normally, I'd be anxious about having someone around..as well as my normal routines being altered. But it's sort of nice not being alone, and I'm excited about getting one more large thing taken care of. Getting these big jobs done feels like a sign of moving out of the unmotivated, anhedonia I was in all the years on Remeron...a sign of a fresh start. 

[Hibari]

Hi Free Spirit,

 

Thank you for posting the meditation video.  I am going to listen to it later.  I have been looking for a meditation that I can listen to as my usual meditation has been too inward and I have not been able to focus.  

 

I'm glad you are feeling better today and can see that you are able to handle things better at your home and see the difference from a year ago.

 

I don't know if it's available but some acupuncture schools have clinic hours for their senior students to practice on patients with supervision.  Not sure if you want to go that route but maybe there are appointments closer than September.   I am a big fan of acupuncture and have been going weekly for the past 2 months-it's been very helpful with my WD.

 

Sending you hugs and know that you are not alone.

 

Hibari

[Tilly]

Update

 

It's a year today that I jumped off Remeron. I'm in a wave at the moment of unpleasant symptoms--upset stomach, weird head sensations, poor digestion, eye floaters, lower energy, pain in my hands, lower mood, tendency to rumination, irritability, feeling somewhat lost, more sadness and loneliness. But I do want to make note of what's changed over the past year:

 

1. Sleep--gone from sleeping 1 or 2 hours at a time to resting through the night, nearly every night 7-8 hrs.

 

2. Energy--from having very low energy to feeling more energy than I have in probably 15-20 years.

 

3. Brain fog, poor cognition and memory--huge improvement, to what I would consider normal. A year ago, I could not read anything and remember or follow movies.

 

4. Hearing--from almost constant tinnitus to very rare. Can now hear conversation in noisy places and can hear the tv at a normal volume.

 

5. Physical pain--have gone from constant muscle and or joint pain to having little that is a big problem. Back pain that started becoming worse a year ago is significantly less. In general, I have little muscle tension--except when overexerting and the response seems more normal. I no longer suffer from fibromylagia type of pain; it used to be if one thing hurt on my body, it would spread everywhere and get significantly worse. I typically took tylenol 3 every night, or I could not sleep.

 

6. Weight--I have lost 47 of the 70 pounds I gained on Remeron. Still a way to go, but I look and feel like a different person.

 

7. Histamine issues--when I first jumped off, I was sneezing 20 or 30 times a day, had a constantly runny nose, frequent hives, migraines, dizziness, nausea, and terrible digestion. Almost never have nasal allergies anymore, no migraines and very few headaches, but still have hives sometimes, and room for improvement on digestion. Have added a few foods back into my diet, but not as many as I'd like to. I think acupuncture might be a big help with this part, so will likely follow up with that.

 

8. Mood--my mood was pretty good for a long time after jumping off--even with how horrible I felt physically. In some ways, this year has been more difficult on that count. But it's also very likely I am still grieving, so I can't say for sure how much is related to that. One thing is, I'm getting increasingly better at coping and not letting myself go down the rabbit hole of rumination like I used to.

 

9. Blood sugar control--I had a lot of lows and a number of highs after jumping off. These days, both of those are extremely rare. For the past year, I've managed minus any medication. My A1c (3 month average of blood sugar) has been in non-diabetic range for the last year.

 

10. Overall health--since jumping off, changing diet, and improving exercise, I've been able to get off asthma, pain, allergy, and reflux meds.

 

11. Motivation--I have gone from feeling like a total slug to completing a lot of projects around the house and yard. On the drug, I had to push myself to do anything. Now, even when it's something I don't enjoy that much (like cleaning out a spidery, messy shed), it's not hard to get going on it. I've done jobs here that have needed doing most of the time I've lived in this house..and done them by myself for the most part.

 

12. Anhedonia--one of the worst things for me while on the drug. Life felt like drudgery to me and it was hard to enjoy much of anything. Even when in a wave, there are things I still enjoy--riding my bike, being with my cats, nature, music. When not in a wave, there's more pleasure in simple things than I ever felt even in the biggest events when I was on the drug. Gives me a lot of hope for the future.

 

13. Social interactions--was very irritable after jumping off, and along with feeling lousy physically, spent nearly all my time alone. Irritation is so much less than it was, even when in a wave. I do okay with people I know, but feel more anxious with new people. This is one area of my life with lots of room for improvement. Being alone is safe for me..I need to push myself beyond this more.

 

14. Work--I was working very minimally through wd and when I first jumped off. Within the next 6 months, I need to do something about my work/financial situation and/or sell my house. I am hoping by the fall to feel well enough to either go back to what I was doing or find something else part-time I can do. Not sure if this is realistic or not...time will tell...but I think I'd be doing better mentally and emotionally too, if I was working a bit and felt a little more part of the world.

 

I'm sure there are things I've forgotten, but these seem like the main ones anyway.

Happy 1st Anniversary, Beautiful!!!     

 

You have done so amazing to deal with both withdrawal and the painful process of grieving. The achievements that you have made in the past year are truly amazing. All credit to you. You must be very proud of all that you have achieved. Brava!

 

Remember that you are never alone in your journey and have many arms around you here to steady you when you stumble on tough ground.

 

Your symptoms very much mirror mine. Like you, I am finding that many are slowly decreasing / falling away and I have not yet fully withdrawn.

 

This is testament to the body and spirit's ability to self - heal.

 

Your post is both inspirational and gives hope to those on the path towards withdrawal. Thank you for taking the time to note improvements. This is both valuable to you and others.

 

I wish you continued growth and success. I look forward to following your ongoing progress.

 

Much love, as always,

 

Tilly x

[Pugknows]

((((Free))))

 

Wow! You sound much improved from a year ago! I'm so happy for you.

 

I know it's not perfect yet, but you're on your way!

 

Love, Pug

[freespirit]

 

I don't know if it's available but some acupuncture schools have clinic hours for their senior students to practice on patients with supervision.  Not sure if you want to go that route but maybe there are appointments closer than September.   I am a big fan of acupuncture and have been going weekly for the past 2 months-it's been very helpful with my WD.

 

Sending you hugs and know that you are not alone.

 

Hibari

 

I appreciate the suggestion Hibari. Unfortunately, the closest school is a 2 hour drive away from me. I asked to be placed on the cancellation list for acupuncture here, so hope something will come up sooner. I'm glad you've had good success with it. I expect it will be helpful for me too. In the meantime, I'll just keep doing what I can to promote healing. Thanks for the hugs...it definitely helps to feel less alone in this process.

[freespirit]

Tilly and Pug,

 

I'm so grateful for your encouragement and support. I do hope in some way, that it can encourage others. Things do improve, albeit much more slowly than we wish they would. It's easy to focus on what's still not working I'm afraid..and the waves can be disheartening. But looking at things from a broader perspective bring a different view. I'm glad that each of you is noting changes in your journeys too. We are healing, even when it doesn't look that way.

[AliG]

 Free, We sometimes have to take a step back , to see what is really happening .  I'm so happy for your Improvement & hope that it continues, exponentially !  Love & hugs , Ali.  XX

[freespirit]

Thanks Ali. Because of the wave, I'm tending towards more negative thinking...so, working hard at trying to balance that out.

[indigo]

 Sorry to hear you've been having a hard time freespirit.  Sounds like you've had a lot to deal with. I had a thought about the window wave pattern. It seemed to be totally unpredictable. However I've realized that when I'm feeling stable then suddenly tip into full on WD depression and anxiety for no apparent reason, (no drop in dose etc ) it's actually a hyper exagerated sensitivity to a stress.  So I can recover from a drop. Feel fine. Think I'll be fine till my next drop. Then some big stress happens and I fall right back into WS symptoms. No emotional resilience. Because of this I'm coming around to accepting long holds are essential.

[freespirit]

I believe your thoughts on the effects of stress on the NS are right on Indigo..that really resonated with me. I find even positive stress can impact, though usually not with as many difficult symptoms..or maybe not to the same degree.

 

For example, I'm happy to be having my house painted and know the painter quite well, as he's worked for me before a few times. I like having him around, but this time, I am finding it another shade of stress. I don't feel free to do whatever I want..like taking a nap, since he's working right outside the bdrm. window. The whole thing is increasing my anxiety level.

 

Do you have PTSD as a result of your childhood experiences or other things?

 

As I've said before, I probably never had a "normal" nervous system..either through genetics or through very early trauma..or some combination of those. This very long run of being even more easily triggered started for me 7 years ago with the car accident. With each additional event, I seem to have lost some capacity for handling stress. I'm better at talking myself down, but my NS has a hair-trigger response to many different things....and the list of things seems to keep growing, rather than receding. I can only hope that at some point, my body stops responding to so many things as the enemy.

 

I think that's wise to make the holds last for quite awhile.

[indigo]

Yes freespirit, I do think PTSD and withdrawal is a particularly hard combination. When the stress threshold is very low

old deep wounds are triggered. For instance, I'm naturally an intoverted person but of course I need contact with friends.

When I'm  feeling down I have a hard time reaching out to friends to go for a dog walk, meet for coffee or even drop by because

if they don't return my call or are busy with other friends, the old wound of my father telling me "nobody likes you" takes over.

I isolate more.Hide my loneliness Get caught in a caught in a Catch 22 cycle self isolation.

I can relate to your anxiety about feeling ill. I know the fear that symptoms might signify something deadly. I've had that happen in WD.  

When the WD lifts I see it in perspective, realizing it was rampant anxiety. I think those of us who spend a lot of time alone are  probably more prone to this kind of thinking.

[Hibari]

Hi Free Spirit

 

I understand the sensitivity you are experiencing. I experience it as not having a protective cover-energetically speaking. I am way more sensitive then I was pre-depression, medication.

 

I know you are waiting for an acupuncture aappointment and you may find some real relief when you start receiving treatments. I can't guarantee it but acupuncture has really helped ground me and I asked for that specific help on first appointment. I also have find that when my chi is strong and flowing, I feel more resilient. I also have found during treatments that the body tends to reveal what it needs.

 

Wishing you peace today.

 

Hibari