HalfPerson: 16 months off SSRIs (CT) with the twin 'joys' of PSSD and anhedonia

[eiledon20]

g

[Altostrata]

HP, how are you doing?

[HalfPerson]

Hi all. I lie to myself a lot but the sunshine is bringing out the anhedonia hugely. I love sunshine, I always have. But I'm not feeling it. I'm not feeling anything, or maybe a mere approximation of what 'feeling' is supposed to be at times. I rarely laugh, rarely truly enjoy, it's pretty miserable. I don't wanna whine but the sunshine has really really made me see it clearly. And it feels like it's been going on far, far too long now. And my desire for sex? There is none. Nothing turns me on. The enjoyment, again, that 'x factor', I feel pretty much completely emasculated, just thank god for PDE5 inhibitors that allow me to have some kind of sex with my partner. It's getting to me. Still want to be a 'full' man. What used to be a natural mechanism has just upped and gone away. I feel like I'm lying whenever I'm making love because I'm never usually feeling it and if I do it's for like three seconds here, one second there.

 

The knock on effect of lack of enjoyment. It's like...I don't WANT...anything, really. Nothing is speaking out. I'm just plodding along, doing my job, trying to keep me and the partner's love alive but in the background I feel a sickly despair colouring everything because of the lack of excitement, enthusiasm.

 

In short, I feel like I can have no fun. In any way. An inability. I feel like the receptors for fun or pure joy are either gone or severely damaged. I *need* fun.

 

I am aching to reverse this situation but I don't wanna damage myself even more. Just wanna heal.

[Altostrata]

Yes, it will take time and healing for the emotional anesthesia to fade. This is a common symptom after taking psychiatric drugs.

[HalfPerson]

I've just got back from work and on reading the above back, sorry if I sounded so negative. I still function 'normally', hold a job down with no sick time in two years, have a very loving girlfriend,no debts, and lots of cool stuff. It's the enjoyment factor more than anything else. I want to enjoy all I have, there is something strange inside that doesn't let me...and I hope there is a way back because I literally am missing out on the best bots of my life here. But it's still a life. And it could be worse. That's all I'm saying. I don't want people to read my stuff and feel the utmost of despair. Just me whining. I could have no limbs and an inability to hear. It's more the frustration...until you've lost the ability to enjoy, you cannot understand. We on here can, most of us. Anyway, rambling. I could be reading this in six months time all smily and grinning, thinking "look where I am NOW". I might be in a better place, might not be. But one can't give up hoping.

[HalfPerson]

@altostrata (posted same-ish time lol), thanks, I sincerely hope it does. It's so frustrating, I could cope with it easier when I didn't have a partner a year back, it's just harder with the sexual stuff and it's rearing its head a *lot* now. But, yeah, it seemed to take about 8 years before so I know it can happen, just kind of want this to happen quicker!

[Altostrata]

Many people find the emotional anesthesia the most disturbing withdrawal symptom, even when they have other symptoms that are quite dramatic.

[HalfPerson]

And MUSIC....I want that back so bad. Virtually nothing can make those hairs on the back of my neck stand up anymore. It's a horrible, horrible feeling. To lose the thrill of good music. It's hell. Music is life, and to not enjoy it...!

[HalfPerson]

Yeah, it is. It's...unnatural. A synthetic nothingness. I can't describe it. Plastic hell. Sugar Coke to cheap Diet Coke.

[HalfPerson]

^{And I still want to know why eiledon20's post consists of just a "g".}

[LoveandLight]

I totally relate to this..it's not a nothing though is it..well for me..it has a feeling to it..a feeling of nothing..like physically it also has a feel to it? It's horrible, horrible.

[HalfPerson]

I sense you understand. That's one odd thing about this though. I seem to 'sense' things more. Sounds weird. How hard is this **** to describe?!! Crazy!

 

I hope we all recover from this.

[pug]

HP,

 

Just wondering how you are doing?  I hope that you are seeing some improvement and relief.

[HalfPerson]

Sorry for taking so long to update. I feel the more I fixate on it the more miserable I get so I've been trying to live life and not concentrate too hard on it. But it's still there. My mood has been a little less anxious. Since the cold turkey, I've had bouts of jumpiness over little things at times and bigger things have caused me to become a quivering wreck. But I feel a little better in that regard. But my arousal for practically everything is still very limited...and my sexual arousal still hasn't come back, in fact this past couple of weeks it's been virtually nil most days. That gets me down, really gets me down. But I'm still with my girlfriend and it's still THE best relationship I've ever been in, we're still very much in love. And...somehow managing to do it...though I still get 'off days'...and they really hurt.

 

And I keep having almost bipolar moodswings. On Saturday, I felt suicidal all day. For no reason. Sunday? I felt fine. Some days I'm the funniest person in the room, others, I'm withdrawn, boring, can't think straight, just mush. But I'm not bipolar nor have ever been diagnosed as that! But the highs...they never really come, just the occasional 'warm mediums', if that makes sense.

 

In some ways though, I have seen teensy weensy improvements. It's when I try and rush I feel defeated.

[Altostrata]

That definitely sounds like The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

[akakoom]

hang in there! we're in the same boat

 

i haven't felt much improvement, but i am fighting to stay optimistic

[HalfPerson]

Yeah...I tell her I get these 'windows'. And I do. And when I get one, it's amazing!!! And I might only be 50% but it's miles better than being 5%. Do you get these moodswings too, Altostrata? I'm all over the place at points, on Saturday I felt like I was grieving all day, at some points uncontrollable crying. For no reason. Other days, pure anhedonia. I am a HalfPerson. Grey and disinterested. It's annoying to live with and I can live with it but I want some more moments of sunshine.

[HalfPerson]

And akakoom, I hope you hang in there mate. I know how sickening this is. But we got to keep on.

[Mikey1975]

Hiya Halfperson how are you doing , did your pssd start straight away after ct or was it ok at first and then started when the main WD symptoms started after a month you said ?

[pug]

Sorry for taking so long to update. I feel the more I fixate on it the more miserable I get so I've been trying to live life and not concentrate too hard on it. But it's still there. My mood has been a little less anxious. Since the cold turkey, I've had bouts of jumpiness over little things at times and bigger things have caused me to become a quivering wreck. But I feel a little better in that regard. But my arousal for practically everything is still very limited...and my sexual arousal still hasn't come back, in fact this past couple of weeks it's been virtually nil most days. That gets me down, really gets me down. But I'm still with my girlfriend and it's still THE best relationship I've ever been in, we're still very much in love. And...somehow managing to do it...though I still get 'off days'...and they really hurt.

 

And I keep having almost bipolar moodswings. On Saturday, I felt suicidal all day. For no reason. Sunday? I felt fine. Some days I'm the funniest person in the room, others, I'm withdrawn, boring, can't think straight, just mush. But I'm not bipolar nor have ever been diagnosed as that! But the highs...they never really come, just the occasional 'warm mediums', if that makes sense.

 

In some ways though, I have seen teensy weensy improvements. It's when I try and rush I feel defeated.

Sounds like you are getting waves and windows, and the variation is a good sign from what I understand. I understand the pssd, when I am in a wave I'm pretty much closed for business, but have much better response in a window. The unpredictability makes it very difficult, but I am lucky to have a mostly understanding partner.

 

Hang in there we are going to get through this and see that endless window!

[HalfPerson]

I'm hoping it's that and the windows and waves get bigger and grander. Like yourself, I'm lucky to have a partner who loves me enough to want to understand me, although sometimes it's really difficult when I don't have windows, there have been some humiliating moments and it's really hurt me. When nothing's happening down there at all and you're with the most beautiful, sensual person you've ever met, it *can* kinda make you wanna go out and dig your own grave! Like I said though, she accommodates my problem (it took like FOUR MONTHS of letting her down sexually!) and it's only been an issue once or twice (the dreaded "is it me?") but she's got her head around it now. And though I put off using them, I use ED drugs now, and they are pretty much 80% effective. It just hurts not to be 'normal' in that way anymore. It hurts bad. I never used to be like this before the ADs.

 

Hiya Halfperson how are you doing , did your pssd start straight away after ct or was it ok at first and then started when the main WD symptoms started after a month you said ?

 

Well, the dysfunction started on the meds initially. Citalopram. It basically murdered my penis. I was on it about a year and a half but was not seeing anyone at the time. I became friendly with a lady and got my doc to switch me to Fluoxetine because I was *hoping* it had less of the dysfunctional side effects. Same as ever, limp limp limp, practically zero sexual arousal. So that relationship didn't last lol, she was very critical, it was humiliating, and it set me waaaaaaay back, to the point where I went over a year without seeing anyone. But on CTing the drug, I didn't see any improvement, maybe even a worse feeling, no feeling. That was late 2013, it's not far off two years ago now. Sildenafil keeps me 'able' now, the minor spark of arousal I may get is kind of augmented, and if not aroused I'm *usually* lucky enough to be able to respond to stimulation enough to be able to use it. I can have full sex, in a fashion, but it's more like 'get it in quick before it fades' kind of sex. I hate that...but I'm at least glad I'm able to be properly intimate with her because sex means a lot in such a cool, close relationship.

[HalfPerson]

A briefish mini-update.

 

I am not depressed anymore. Or barely get depressed. I don't have those crazy moodswings like I've been having. Crying fits. Bouts of suicidal feelings based on small things. Those really BIG downs. I hardly cry at all now. I CAN cry, don't get me wrong, but I'm...not on the verge all the time like I was. I'm still anhedonic, still find it hard to generate interest in stuff but not having those huge lows is a real boon and in terms of my relationship is making it much easier to cope. It was almost like being bipolar but only getting massive low spikes. Good progress!

 

My arousal/sensation is STILL an issue. I still don't feel any real sexual thrill or real lust most times and my sensitivity is VERY strange. Without getting graphic, fellatio is a very odd thing for me, there are parts of my winkle with no sensation at all and others with TOO MUCH but with not much pleasure inbetween. My orgasm quality has improved a *little* though in the past 8 weeks. My nipples either don't feel anything or just hurt when touched, I'm still noticing a definite warping of sensation in the body, it is still skewed of that pleasure feeling. I don't wish to sound base here, I'm just trying to report the facts, warts n' all, so apologies if I offend with my words, sometimes I don't always employ the necessary tact or taste! I just think it's every person's right to feel pleasure from their own body, it is one of nature's lovely free gifts, and it's sad when it's not right, it really does stand out. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed on this one.

 

In all, just trying to give a factual update of where I am right now. But the mood change has been quite drastic in the last couple of months...in a good way.

[HalfPerson]

Ugh. It's over. Almost a week now. She ditched me. It was the craziest situation ever and it's wrecked, humiliated and devastated me in every way...emotionally, mentally, financially, I am probably in the worst phase of life I've ever been in. Destroyed.

 

We moved in together in November. I did *everything* right. Loved her, made her feel safe, made her laugh, supported her, it seemed to be going so, so well. No big arguments or niggling discrepancies. All her family loved me. It felt like it was running so silky smooth. Until early last week...we had a little discussion and I asked a question and she revealed that she hadn't been happy for several weeks and that her feelings had changed. She said I'd done everything right and that she'd loved me more than anyone but felt like the spark had gone, like she was 'trying' now, and her feelings had changed. She said we felt more like friends living together, there wasn't that fire there she needed. She said she'd waited and waited and hoped she could change me but it didn't happen fast enough. And I cried my eyes out and she did too, then she went to work and I grabbed my stuff and it's nearly been a full week since I left.

 

And I miss my baby...but she don't want me anymore...and it's all thanks to this CURSE.

 

All I want is to be with someone I love. And this thing makes all the people you love leave your life. And I am a beautiful soul. I do not deserve this.

 

Damn.

[HalfPerson]

Uh, well, grinding on. She wants me back. Told me the real reasons why it ended (it never really did). Big, complex situation. Was just getting used to the solitude and much of the misery had subdued. Oh, well.

 

Anhedonia still super-bad. I've said it before, but I was always a huge comedy fan before the SSRIs. HUGE. Comedy is grey these days and I can't watch it. But, myself, I seem to be super-funny now. Don't know what's happening...at work, I just seem to say things that make people laugh, my wit just spurts out all instantaneous. I'm Mr Comic Cuts. I feel super-amusing. It's nuts. I don't even know why.

 

Don't know if the misery and loss of the situation caused some kind of reactive, inward balancing effect or if I've just got a weird 'window'. Started about four weeks back. Went from Mr Quiet to having a mouth that can say no wrong...and if it's wrong, it's usually amusing.

 

I like it.

 

But I don't know WHY.

 

Like my grandma used to say, "never look a gift horse in the mouth". Whatever that meant. Old sayings, lol.

[Matisse]

Hi half person

 

Totally relate to the horror of anhedonia. I'm coming up to a year off paroxetine and the anhedonia for me came after a huge wave at around 4 months off and for me it's the worse symptom of withdrawal. Before this I was a hopeless romantic and kissed and loved my partner everyday. I found joy in everything and I'm an artist so to me everything is beautiful. But now I don't feel anything. I cry most days grieving for my old self. How weird is that to grieve for yourself when your still alive.....anywho I'm talking about myself again lol

I hope you regain all your feelings and I hope your girlfriend or ex girlfriend can give you the support and love you deserve. My partner has been amazing but he gets frustrated and angry because he has lost the girl he loved. I too have no interest in sex and it's heartbreaking because I was never like this before. I just hope and wish so hard we all heal and we get back everything that was stripped away from us.

X

[HalfPerson]

That's it, Matisse. You grieve for who you once were. I'm an artist, too, I once had a promising career starting to form before the SSRIs took my desires away. I was achieving some moderate success, too, and had built up some valuable contacts within the art world. Now, I just don't CARE about that. I haven't painted for a decade. Worst thing is, she was a great artist too (not quite as good as me but I never told her that, lol). She was a raw talent and just needed a bit of polishing. We actually started drawing together a couple of weeks before the breakup. It was really fun seeing her stuff and seeing myself squeeze a bit of work out after so many years of not using my gift. I impressed myself. I've still got it. I'm still good. It was inspiring for both of us. It was gonna be one of the key things that kept us together. She'd always hid it from her ex. He was jealous.

 

I hope you get your feelings back, too. It's quite, quite awful, knowing what you ARE underneath everything. 'Buried Alive', as that PSSD website says. I hope you heal, I hope he supports you. But it's very, very hard for them. It's so sad. X

[HalfPerson]

PS: I made a mistake with my thread title. It dates badly every time a new month begins!

 

What it should really read, as of now, IS:

 

"Halfperson: 29 months off SSRIs (CT) with the twin 'joys' of PSSD and anhedonia"

[Martina23]

HalfPerson, I was reading through your thread. I find it great that you are an artist. I am painting too, but it is more my hobby, I did not go to any type art school. For me it is something to break from normality and greyness of every day life. I like painting really very much. Did you go to some art school? Maybe you could place here some pictures which you painted. For me it would be interesting to see.

Sorry that your withdrawal symptoms are still persisting. My head is "crappy" also, a lot of intrusive thoughts and such stupid stuff. Today I was reading about one man which murdered some people in some magazine and immediately got worried "what if I also turn someone like that. So real crap. I hope you are alright and when you will feel like it then give us an update.

Martina

[potions]

How are you now halfperson? Any improvements in your PSSD/anhedonia?

[MMMM]

Hi @HalfPerson, it's been a while, how are you doing these days? Better I hope.