WereToNow Is there any Hope?

[WereToNow]

Does anyone ever recover? At what point do you just accept that it's over?

 

My childhood was completely ******, my mother is a sociopath whose only joy came from emotionally torturing and manipulating her children and coercing my viloent father to punish us. My parents kept regular appointments with counselors and psychiatrists for years, essentially doctor shopping trying to find the ones who would believe that they were helpless victims of their horrible children. This had been happening our whole lives, we would move from one counselor and psychiatrist to the next every time my parents were held accountable in any way we were banned from seeing that psychiatrist/counselor and they moved onto the next one. This happened for my entire childhood until they finally found a Dr and psychiatrist just as evil as them.

 

When my sister started high school she started to stand up for herself which led to her being beaten almost every night until she attempted suicide and then ran away from home at 16 and never looked back.

I was next. When I was 12 I started standing up for myself so my parents convinced a Dr to prescribe me amitryptaline to fix my "aggression".

 

I've only recently realized that that was the point where my life ended. I never even had a chance. The amitryptaline effectively turned me into an asexual zombie with no interest in anything. I lost my will and I became dull and empty. I complained about the side effects but I didn't really know what was happening. The Drs dismissed my complaints and worst of all my parents ridiculed and punished me for the side effects and told me that it wasn't the meds, it was me, there was something wrong with me. I was physically sick with nausea, vomiting, generally feeling unwell all the time, pissing every 30 mins and sleeping all the time.

 

My parents loved to punish me for being sick by doing things like making me sleep in the shed because how ******* dare I throw up in their house! I was always in a daze and their lifelong campaign to punish me and convince me that there was someting wrong with me had me confused. I built my identity as a freak who wasn't all there, convinced that everything from my inability to get out of bed in the morning to vomiting every day and stumbling around in a daze was because my parents were right.

 

By the time I was 15 I was extremely depressed and I started smoking weed, I told my Dr and he immediately stopped the amitryptaline telling me that it interacted with weed and it could kill me. I started to come out of the daze I had been in for the last 3 years and I became very angry and once again started standing up to my parents. They found this intolerable and started a campaign to have me sent to prison. They would constantly be searching through my room looking for drugs and they would immediately call the police if they found anything. Luckily weed is decriminalized where I live, you just get the equivalent of a speeding fine and no criminal conviction. My parents tried this for a while but never got anywhere with it. It ended with my mother literally crying hysterically to a police officer in my room screaming, "Why won't you arrest him, it's DRUGS!"

 

Then they tried a new tactic, they would provoke me, harass me and push me around until I hit my dad and then immediately call the police and try to have me charged with assault. They only ever got this to stick once and I was given a formal caution. When they realized that wasn't going to work they started taking all of my stuff for no reason. I was working at McDonald's which gave me some freedom so my parents took my bank card and locked it in a safe in their room. They had it for over two weeks and I was at breaking point and I wanted to get away so I smashed their bedroom window when they weren't home and went in to get my bank card back. The safe was steel but it had a sh*tty plastic handle which I smashed with a hammer, I couldn't find my bank card but there was a small amount of cash in the safe so I took it and left. Next thing I know I'm being arrested and charged with serious criminal tresspass. ******* *****. I got a good behavior bond and I left home. I was 16.

 

At this point I wasn't going to school anymore and I was homeless. I stayed at youth centers for a while, I lost my job and I was hanging out with dole bludgers and junkies with no ambition to do anything. I rented a house with some of my new friends and just smoked weed all day. After a while I started to become very depressed due to the fucked up circumstances I was in. I tried to get a job and after a couple of months I got hired by a fast food place.

 

Then **** hit the fan. I dropped two and a half tabs of acid and I freaked the **** out. I had a nervous breakdown and I was taken to hospital. I was diagnosed with toxic psychosis and started on olanzapine. The olanzapine didn't work very well so i was hospitalised and put on 2mg of risperdone. I was 17.

 

My parents were suddenly interested in me again and made sure to be in the hospital every day to complain about all the things that were wrong with me. I was once again in that same daze, I wish I had died. I was discharged to my parents house, heavily medicated and confused and it started again. My parents had lined the inside of the shed with plaster-board, this was my new home. They wouldn't allow me in the house, I had to stay in the shed. I was a zombie, cold and empty, void of emotion. I stopped caring.

 

They loved this new psychiatrist, he was a pediatric psychiatrist who was a huge advocate of drugging children into submission. They complained that I was lazy, that I was sleeping all day and throwing up in the mornings and that I had the nerve to have diarrhea. How ******* dare I burden them like this. The risperidone should have been stopped then, I had been clean for weeks and my symptoms were drug induced, but this Dr decided that my sedation and apathy were indicative of depression so he continued the risperidone (2mg) and added venlafaxine.

 

Everything after that is a blur. I was very sick, gaining weight quickly and out of it. I was on autopilot and I got a job at a supermarket, still living in the shed. I would just sleep 10-18 hours a day, eat and go to work. My parents continued to blame me, to the point that my mum made signs saying "Watch your step my son Vomits here", "Health Hazard", etc. to put up when people came over.

 

I'm still very foggy but I remember I started developing severe extrapiramidal side effects, breathing problems, tachycardia, excessive sweating, memory problems, concentration problems and i was becoming extremely restless and unable to sleep. I spoke to my psychiatrist and the genius was confident that these were symptoms of bipolar type 2 and swapped out the venlafaxine for lithium, and kept the risperidone because apparently it's a cure for everything. I was 20.

 

I kept getting worse to the point that I went to the emergency room with my tremor. They suspected lithium toxicity and put me on a drip and ran blood tests. The blood tests came back in the high end of the therapeutic range and I was told that my lithium levels weren't toxic but they were they highest they had ever been and the tremor was certainly a side effect of the lithium. They monitored me for a while, made sure I had and appointment with my psychiatrist and discharged me.

 

When I saw that ****** he came to the conclusion that I was now suffering from anxiety which was to be treated by increasing the dose of my risperidone. This started a cycle where the dose would be increased, I'd become more ill which would be labeled anxiety and treated with another dose increase. This continued until I was on 4mg of risperidone and 1000mg of lithium.

At this point I was literally drooling all the time, I had put on a lot of weight, I was losing bladder control and losing control of my bowels and I had what was essentially Parkinsons disease but I just kept going to work too out of it to care.

 

I then started to become extremely disassociated and I had a severe panic attack at work because nothing seem real anymore. I started having frequent panic attacks and went to my family Dr and he added oxazepam to the mix and referred me to a psychologist for CBT. The CBT helped me overcome the panic attacks so my genius psche decided that I could reduce the risperidone. He reduced my dose to 3mg and my "anxiety" almost  immediately improved so I stopped the oxazepam. My psyche then decided to taper off the risperidone completely which he did over the course of six months and he increased my lithium to 1500mg. I was 22.

 

As the risperidone was tapered I started to come out of the haze but I was so very sick. Sick doesn't even begin to describe it, I had no idea this kind of hell was even possible. I went to my doctor and he prescribed me mirtazapine, this made me so much worse. I was starting to realize what was happening and I spoke to my Dr about the mirtazapine. I told him it was making me suicidal and I knew that was a side effect, he just told me it doesn't do that and told me to increase the dose.

 

I stopped the lithium and mirtazapine cold turkey and I was bedridden and I stopped going to work. Then I was detained. I was 23.

 

As usual in the hospital the doctors were adamant that there is no such thing as withdrawals and their drugs don't have any side effects, I repeatedly told them that I was sick and I wanted to see a doctor but as usual I was ignored. I asked them why they had detained me, they said that they wanted to monitor me to see if I had schizophrenia. I told them I was fine and i wanted to see a doctor, I asked them why they were monitoring me, did I have any psychiatric symptoms? They said no I didn't have any psychiatric symptoms, that they wanted to monitor me to see if I did because I had stopped going to work etc. I told them it was because I was sick. They wouldn't listen. I still had tachycardia which I brought up when I had my ops done and I was just told yes your bpm is a bit high but it's normal for you. I was so obviously sick, I was sweating non stop, pissing non stop, shaking etc but it was ignored.

 

After one week in the ER waiting for a bed and 1 week in the psyche ward I was deemed asymptomatic. The head psyche told me my old psyche thinks I have bipolar type 2 so he put me on a baby dose of sodium valproate (250mg) and discharged me.

 

After I got out I immediately stopped the sodium valproate, then I went to the outpatient clinic I had been refereed to, told them my story and then I told them that I'm done with the mental health system and I politely told them to go **** themselves and I WAS DISCHARGED!

 

The next thing I did was to go to my family doctor and I was almost immediately diagnosed with hyperthyroidism which was confirmed by blood tests.

 

I have now been off all meds for about 10 months and I'm fucked. I am physically and mentally ruined. My body has become its own torture chamber and there is no ******* way that I'm seeing another Dr.

 

So now what? Is anyone honestly going to say that I will get better? Has anyone ever gotten better from even a fraction of what I've been through? I feel like I just need to accept that there is no hope. I wish I had died a long time ago and if I keep going is there anything to accomplish other than prolonging my suffering?

[coldturkmama]

I'm so sorry for all you've had to endure.

Were you weaned off those medications or just forced to go cold turkey?

There is hope! Your brain has an amazing ability to heal. Omega 3 fish oil & magnesium are your best options to help your brain heal. I'm sure someone with more knowledge will be along to help you soon.

[WereToNow]

Thanks for the reply.

 

I was forced to go cold turkey on everything except the risperidone which was tapered by reducing it from 4mg>2mg>1mg>0.5mg within six months.

[coldturkmama]

yikes, cold turkey is hard (im in month 17from paxil cold turkey) but there is hope.

How old are you now?

I know my symptoms change and I follow a Windows and waves pattern, some times symptoms are worse than others.

[WereToNow]

I'm 24.

Honestly I think the cold turkey withdrawals are better than being on the meds. It's just such a relief to at least have the capacity to understand what is happening.

[LoveandLight]

And you have 10 months med free behind you..way to healing!

 

I'm so sorry for all you have gone through. I hope you find some peace xxxx

[coldturkmama]

That's true! I didn't even know it was possible to have WD, my dr never gave me any warning or advice, so my body was going through all these symptoms and I had noooo clue what was wrong. by the time I figured it all out and found these sites it was too late to reinstate but it was great to know what was happening.

[Ginger]

Honestly, yes I believe there is hope even for you. And if you believe it hasn't been done for anyone who has been through what you've been through THEN be the first. Screw them for their a abuse-- you've suffered enough.

[DLB]

God, what can I say but I'm so sorry for what has been done to you by people who you should have nothing but the greatest trust in. Here I am thinking my withdrawal insomnia and anhedonia are so bad and then I read this. What the hell, were you some sort of damn experiment? This story is just horrible and if you can survive what has already been done to you then I am sure you will beat withdrawal. Just stick to it and don't look back. Do you need anything for the thyroid or is it not to bad? That could make you feel like crap too. Just hang on and don't drink or smoke weed and live from day to day.

[Songbird]

That is a horrific story.  The fact that you have survived so far shows that somewhere within you is a strong will to live and a lot of determination.  Give yourself credit for managing to stand up to your parents and the doctors, as well as go to work!  You are much stronger than you realise.

 

I think there is hope for recovery though it may not be easy.  I think you are right to be done with the mental health system, it has done nothing positive for you, so your future must lie in a different direction.  Your system needs a lot of kindness and gentleness now.  Look to a healthy diet and avoiding all kinds of drugs including caffeine, alcohol and nicotine.  I think acceptance is key after all you have been through, and it may help to have some kind of counselling so you can express your feelings in a safe environment, although it will be crucial to find a counselor who is non-judgmental and who will not be pushing meds at all.  There are various non-med therapies that may be worth investigating (for example, I have found Neurolink very helpful), but I recommend doing a lot of homework first rather than rushing into anything.

 

Much time may be needed and there is no guarantee of 100% recovery, but I do think there is a very good chance of recovery to a level where life will seem worthwhile.  I just want to send you lots of ((((HUGS)))) for all you've been through, nobody deserves that.  You deserve a good life, hold on and be determined to have it for yourself.

[WereToNow]

Hi DLB

 

I'm pretty sure that I was one of the first patients under 18 to be put on risperidone in my area and I was started on 2mg which is 4x the dose that is used now, so yeah I probably was a guinea pig. I would prefer to believe that my Drs really were that stupid but I don't think that's plausible. My psychiatrist is a pharmaceutical company b**** who travels around Australia giving lectures on pediatric psychiatry trying to ruin as many lives as he can to make bank. It sickens me.

 

At the moment my thyroid isn't so bad that I'm at immediate risk so I'm just having my bloods monitored and waiting to see if it heals. I'd rather not take any more meds for it if I can help it.

[WereToNow]

Hi Songbird

 

Do you know of any stories of anybody who has actually recovered?

 

I keep seeing people say that yes you will recover and yes there are lots of stories of recovery, but I'm yet to see one. It just seems like everyone is desperate for a light at the end of the tunnel, but maybe there isn't. In that case I think it is cruel and cowardly to encourage people to prolong their suffering. I'm starting to think this hope that everyone is clinging to is just a cruel sadistic lie.

 

I've been trying to find some sort of hope, I just want to know that it is still possible for me to feel something and not be in pain. I just want to know that it is possible, it may not work out but at least there would be hope. I've been trying to find out if it's still possible.

I've tried taking some drugs just to see if I can still experience pleasure, I just want to prove to myself that there is still something there to find, that it isn't lost forever. I tried smoking weed, it didn't help. I tried taking oxycodone and it just made me feel like ****. It didn't give me any euphoria or comfort, all it did was make me want to sit or lie down but I couldn't stand the pain of being still. If oxycodone can't make me feel any pleasure there is something very wrong.

 

I tried eating some mushrooms and for a few fleeting moments when my focus was completely on something beautiful I almost felt something but it was more of a deep longing to feel something than actual connection and I was still trapped in my horrible painful body. It was like my environment was beautiful but I was hyper aware of the fact that I couldn't appreciate anything because my body was the cause of my suffering. It was like I could almost touch the beauty of life, but it was no longer within me. 

[btdt]

I know you say life is hell right now.. I want symptoms please... 

 

yes we all get better to a point I am not sure we all heal completely but compared to where I was in cold turkey... I am much better now... 

 

If we know what your symptoms are we can make suggestions as to how to deal with them... we can't help if we don't know what is going on.  There is a revolving door of symptoms ... the description I like is it is like a rubics cube... each turn... brings a new batch of symptoms some the same as before some different some that passed come back.. but for most there are things to help... 

 

One suggestion off the bat is to stop taking drugs... as generally speaking it is only making things more complicated... and maybe harder to heal from... there is not much research so what your going to get here is mostly what other people have done that helped... to me that is the best advice ... those who lived it. 

 

i am sorry for the crap you had dumped on you.. to get thru this your going to need some support and some help... do you have a place to live and food at least... I sure hope you do.. as there needs to be a base... 

I wish you peace

[LucaDiProspero]

OK I'm nearly five months Risperidone off...no emotions at all. Not a single laugh, some crying moments (10-15 minutes), no joy, no relax,only void and interior pain, empty mind, every minute of my life is pure torture.

It's all useless: wine, smoking, gaming, talking to friends, doing daily tasks, eating well, walking, sleeping enough...I have been doing it from nearly five months and not a single thing changed.

I'm losing hope: sure, I can live in this way, but I can't call it 'life'...it's simply going on, day after day, I also did some journeys in various city of my country (Italy) and I met new people...I felt nothing all the time, all the day, Risperidone disabled emotion receptors forever.

Take a look at this book: https://books.google.it/books?id=hBd0V7Ex8PUC&pg=PA141&lpg=PA137&focus=viewport&vq=antidepressant&dq=peter+roger+breggin+risperidone&hl=it&output=html_text

The book is complete, please read it carefully. You will understand many things.

[Altostrata]

Welcome, WereToNow.

 

It sounds like you need to rebuild your life, and it also sounds like you're a strong enough person to be able to do this. Be brave, give yourself time, surround yourself with people who treat you kindly and with respect. It may be difficult, but you will do this.

 

Luca, it can take a lot longer than 5 months for the emotional anesthesia to fade. Be patient and keep working at it, it will very gradually lift. Take stock every 6 months rather than worrying every minute and you will see your progress.

[WereToNow]

Here's my current symptoms:

 

Nausea, difficulty swallowing, extreme difficulty eating

 

Vision problems

 

Jaw tension, tooth grinding, constant involuntary tongue movements

 

Difficulty breathing, tachycardia, dizziness and breathlessness

 

Excessive sweating, extreme heat intolerance

 

Severe painful muscle stiffness in my back, neck and shoulders

 

Muscle stiffness in my legs

 

Tremor in my neck, right arm, right leg and occasional whole body tremor

 

Difficulty sitting still and lying still, standing still is impossible

 

Horrible Scarring all over my body from constant skin infections when on the meds (I also had chronic bronchitis for over a year)

 

Stretch marks all over my thighs, arms and stomach like you wouldn't believe

 

Extreme difficulty concentrating and memory problems

 

Constantly spacing out and holding my breath without realizing it

 

Extreme stress intolerance

 

Insomnia

 

Almost complete lack of emotional re-activity apart from occasional extreme mood swings for absolutely no reason (never a reaction to anything, seemingly completely random)

 

Inability to feel pleasure

 

Hearing loss

 

Frequent states of confusion to the point that I'll get up to do something, forget what I'm doing and walk around in circles for a while before snapping out of it and then trying to remember what I was going to do and then getting distracted or confused again.

 

Chronic fatigue

 

I really just want to die but that wouldn't be enough, I'm just so angry at the doctors and my parents. After getting diagnosed with hyperthyroidism I went through some of my medical history and over the last few months a lot of my memories have been coming back that I didn't even know were gone.

 

I found some old blood tests from 2010-2011 that showed high blood sugar in every test, thyroid dysfunction, low white blood cell count and some more stuff that I can't remember atm. I never had my hormones monitored, not even prolactin. I was going to my doctor all the time complaining of illness and I hate him so ******* much I can's bear it anymore. While I was on risperidone, lithium and oxazepam I went to see him over a dozen times complaining of nausea and throwing up all the time, especially in the morning. He dismissed it every time until eventually he wrote me a script for metachlopramide which I'm lucky didn't kill me (or maybe not so lucky). He has now admitted my nausea was most probably caused by elevated prolactin.

 

When I went to see him complaining of chronic fatigue all the time he just dismissed it saying my meds don't do that, when I complained of breathing problems and a constantly blocked nose he told me to take antihistamines. I developed chronic bronchitis and skin infections while my blood tests were showing low white cell counts and he just kept ******* string me a long, sending me for chest x-rays that showed nothing other than inflammation, kept me on a constant stream of antibiotics and if I complained or asked about side effects of my meds I was dismissed told it was anxiety and had my doses increased and became more ill.

 

I saw my Drs multiple time about tachycardia, which was apparently no big deal. They ignored my weight gain, if I complained about anything like tremors or sweating I was told it was anxiety. This is just the tip of the iceberg, they knew what was happening, they had the blood tests ffs. They took blood when i was in the hospital, waiting for a bed in the emergency room for a week. Two weeks later I went for a blood test that show hyperthyroidism and the Dr said it was clinically obvious from how I presented, yet I was in the emergency room for an entire goddamn week with the same symptoms and they not only ignored my complaints and symptoms THEY IGNORED THE ******* BLOOD TESTS WHICH I HAVE NOW SEEN AND SENT ME TO THE PSCHE WARD DEEMED ME ASYMPTOMATIC PUT ME ON A BABY DOSE OF SODIUM VALPROATE TO SAVE FACE AND THEN THE COMMUNITY MENTAL HEALTH CENTER ADMITTED THEY WERE WRONG AND DISCHARGED ME FROM THE MENTAL HEALTH SYSTEM COMPLETELY

 

This had been going on for years but I could almost deal with a dodgy GP and psychiatrist playing this ******* game, but the entire ******* hospital?

 

Like seriously were they just trying too ******* kill me to cover up their mistakes? That's not negligence, they crossed that line years ago HOW THE **** DO THEY GET AWAY WITH THIS

 

ALL OF MY SYMPTOMS ARE A CONSTANT REMINDER OF WHAT THEY DID TO ME

[Altostrata]

Yes, you have withdrawal syndrome and probably residual drug damage. You are young, you will gradually heal.

 

If you look around here, you'll see many people still suffering after 10 months off drugs. Recovery can take a long time.

 

You might find eating a very healthy diet with lots of fresh fruits and green vegetables helps, as does minimizing sugar, caffeine, alcohol, and artificial additives.

 

Many people do better with fish oil and magnesium supplements, see
http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/
http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1300-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/
 

Do your symptoms follow any daily pattern?

[WereToNow]

Thanks, sorry about the rant.

 

What's the difference between residual drug damage and withdrawal syndrome?

 

I've picked up on a bit of a pattern, the fatigue, pain and nausea seem to be at the worst in the morning, It feels like waking up with the worst hangover I've ever had every day and the restlessness and despair seem to be the worst at night.

[Pugknows]

Hi Were. I used to be nauseous 24/7. That's gone now. Used to be in severe back pain. That's gone now. What I'm stuck with is cortisol surging and severe akathisia and anxiety during the day that somewhat abates in the evening, but not today, unfortunately. Some of your symptoms will decrease in intensity, and may even go away, for the most part. You'll still have to contend with the strongest ones, but they may show up intermittently, instead of daily. Hang in there. Hugs.

[Songbird]

You don't need to apologise for your rant, this forum is generally a safe place to vent (as long as you follow the forum rules).  Many people are understandably very angry about their experiences.

 

Do you know of any stories of anybody who has actually recovered?

 

I keep seeing people say that yes you will recover and yes there are lots of stories of recovery, but I'm yet to see one. It just seems like everyone is desperate for a light at the end of the tunnel, but maybe there isn't. In that case I think it is cruel and cowardly to encourage people to prolong their suffering. I'm starting to think this hope that everyone is clinging to is just a cruel sadistic lie.

 

Yes, we have seen stories from real people who actually recovered.  We are not just making stuff up to give false hope.  Prior to this year I spent many years on another AD forum which has since closed, and read many recovery stories there too.  Many people who came back to post success stories would say they were 80 or 90 or 95 per cent recovered, not always 100 per cent, but nearly all of them were doing okay and finding life worthwhile again.  The bad news is that to get to this point could take a long time, many months or even a few years, although withdrawal was not necessarily severe the entire time as improvement often happened gradually over time.  Also the gradual improvement was usually not a straight line, instead it would be up and down along the way, with patches of worse symptoms ("waves") followed by patches of being much improved ("windows").  See the success stories section here:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/forum/28-success-stories-recovery-from-withdrawal/

 

I can understand you trying things in a desperate attempt to feel good, but this is only going to make things worse.  It doesn't mean you are lost forever, it means your brain is in a confused state from all the drugs and needs to be left alone to sort things out.  This is why I said acceptance is key - you need to accept there is no quick fix for this and learn to be extremely patient.  Try to create the ideal conditions for your body to optimise healing - a good healthy diet, avoid meds as much as possible, avoid alcohol, caffeine, nicotine, weed, etc. and generally be kind and gentle to yourself.  If you do need to take a med for something (e.g. antibiotic, pain med, cold med, etc.) it's a good idea to check here as people may have useful information about which ones could potentially be problematic.

[LucaDiProspero]

Luca, it can take a lot longer than 5 months for the emotional anesthesia to fade. Be patient and keep working at it, it will very gradually lift. Take stock every 6 months rather than worrying every minute and you will see your progress.

Thanks for the reply...you know, I remember when I was feeling emotions and I would give all my money to feel only some minutes of joy like before so I'm 'a little' impatient to be human again.

Please, tell me: did you read the books of Peter Roger Breggin, especially "Brain-disabling treatments in psychiatry" ? (this one https://books.google.it/books?id=hBd0V7Ex8PUC&pg=PA141&lpg=PA137&focus=viewport&vq=antidepressant&dq=peter+roger+breggin+risperidone&hl=it&output=html_text)

What do you think about his books?

[crimsonking]

Hey man

Don't give up! There's always hope. As long as you're alive everything can change. It takes time, but better days will come. And you need to believe in that. I feel what you're going through. I live in another, strange reality since I was 15 and I don't want to compare my suffering to yours because everyone is different, but I've also been through a lot of ****. I was diagnosed with cancer, retinoblastoma (tumor in the eye) when I was four. I should be dead long time ago. But Im still alive. I never really respected religion, I laughed at God, although I always felt that he's somewhere there and he's watching us. I just didn't believe that he loves us. I still didn't find a true faith, but Im trying to talk to God, I pray and I cry and every day I try to believe that it will get better. Without faith that it will get better theres no point in fighting for your life. And you need to fight, you need to be strong and you will see the light. I truly believe in you and other people who are suffering. We will live to see the better days. Stay strong brother

[Altostrata]

Luca, I think Dr. Breggin means well but tends to exaggerate to make his points.

 

WereToNow, residual drug damage means that while you were taking the drugs, they affected the functioning of your body. It will take time for your body to repair itself from residual drug damage and withdrawal syndrome.

 

Please see the Symptoms and Self-Care forum for suggestions about dealing with symptoms in the morning and evening. This is a common pattern.

[btdt]

Thanks, sorry about the rant.

 

What's the difference between residual drug damage and withdrawal syndrome?

 

I've picked up on a bit of a pattern, the fatigue, pain and nausea seem to be at the worst in the morning, It feels like waking up with the worst hangover I've ever had every day and the restlessness and despair seem to be the worst at night.

 

Oddly enough I got this small hint from a radio talk show best hangover cure... baby electrolyte replacement.  I used a lot of it in wd... I needed it badly the day I heard that program and it helped me I did not question it just bought tons of it and downed one baby bottle size bottle at a time...sometimes two. Especially helpful when I felt I might fall down from the spins I had constantly.

 

Magnesium baths may help a lot with the body pain... magnesium in the form of epson salts in the bath tub saved me more than once I cannot tolerate magnesium supplements so baths were it for me.  

 

Different foods bothered me at different times in wd seems this changes as our bodies heal... when no food would stay down chicken broth... boiled veggies some say baby food but I could not stomach it... apple sauce with probiotics if you have the runs. 

 

Deep relaxation the firs thing I found that really helped my brain... you can find guided sorts on utube or just listen to the ocean on head phones if works repeat in your head like they use to for me... now I can do the utube word videos but in the beginning I could not stand them.

[Songbird]

Deep relaxation the firs thing I found that really helped my brain... you can find guided sorts on utube or just listen to the ocean on head phones if works repeat in your head like they use to for me... now I can do the utube word videos but in the beginning I could not stand them.

 

Relaxation exercises saved me during the worst part of my crash.  When I had very severe akathisia and anxiety, and could not eat or sleep, doing the exercises several times a day broke the cycle.  I'm totally like a broken record about them now.

[btdt]

 

Deep relaxation the firs thing I found that really helped my brain... you can find guided sorts on utube or just listen to the ocean on head phones if works repeat in your head like they use to for me... now I can do the utube word videos but in the beginning I could not stand them.

 

Relaxation exercises saved me during the worst part of my crash.  When I had very severe akathisia and anxiety, and could not eat or sleep, doing the exercises several times a day broke the cycle.  I'm totally like a broken record about them now.

 

Same... add walking if I ate anything I took a walk if I felt I had to move I took a walk... walk walk walk ... water... drink it bath in it... heat on the spine or on any cold spots on you body.  

Small changes and amounts a table spoon of food... a 3 min walk... a 5 min bath... and rest. Coloring... word search if you can I could only color to start. 

peace

[oskcajga]

Does anyone ever recover? At what point do you just accept that it's over?

 

My childhood was completely ******, my mother is a sociopath whose only joy came from emotionally torturing and manipulating her children and coercing my viloent father to punish us. My parents kept regular appointments with counselors and psychiatrists for years, essentially doctor shopping trying to find the ones who would believe that they were helpless victims of their horrible children. This had been happening our whole lives, we would move from one counselor and psychiatrist to the next every time my parents were held accountable in any way we were banned from seeing that psychiatrist/counselor and they moved onto the next one. This happened for my entire childhood until they finally found a Dr and psychiatrist just as evil as them.

 

When my sister started high school she started to stand up for herself which led to her being beaten almost every night until she attempted suicide and then ran away from home at 16 and never looked back.

I was next. When I was 12 I started standing up for myself so my parents convinced a Dr to prescribe me amitryptaline to fix my "aggression".

 

I've only recently realized that that was the point where my life ended. I never even had a chance. The amitryptaline effectively turned me into an asexual zombie with no interest in anything. I lost my will and I became dull and empty. I complained about the side effects but I didn't really know what was happening. The Drs dismissed my complaints and worst of all my parents ridiculed and punished me for the side effects and told me that it wasn't the meds, it was me, there was something wrong with me. I was physically sick with nausea, vomiting, generally feeling unwell all the time, pissing every 30 mins and sleeping all the time.

 

My parents loved to punish me for being sick by doing things like making me sleep in the shed because how ******* dare I throw up in their house! I was always in a daze and their lifelong campaign to punish me and convince me that there was someting wrong with me had me confused. I built my identity as a freak who wasn't all there, convinced that everything from my inability to get out of bed in the morning to vomiting every day and stumbling around in a daze was because my parents were right.

 

By the time I was 15 I was extremely depressed and I started smoking weed, I told my Dr and he immediately stopped the amitryptaline telling me that it interacted with weed and it could kill me. I started to come out of the daze I had been in for the last 3 years and I became very angry and once again started standing up to my parents. They found this intolerable and started a campaign to have me sent to prison. They would constantly be searching through my room looking for drugs and they would immediately call the police if they found anything. Luckily weed is decriminalized where I live, you just get the equivalent of a speeding fine and no criminal conviction. My parents tried this for a while but never got anywhere with it. It ended with my mother literally crying hysterically to a police officer in my room screaming, "Why won't you arrest him, it's DRUGS!"

 

Then they tried a new tactic, they would provoke me, harass me and push me around until I hit my dad and then immediately call the police and try to have me charged with assault. They only ever got this to stick once and I was given a formal caution. When they realized that wasn't going to work they started taking all of my stuff for no reason. I was working at McDonald's which gave me some freedom so my parents took my bank card and locked it in a safe in their room. They had it for over two weeks and I was at breaking point and I wanted to get away so I smashed their bedroom window when they weren't home and went in to get my bank card back. The safe was steel but it had a sh*tty plastic handle which I smashed with a hammer, I couldn't find my bank card but there was a small amount of cash in the safe so I took it and left. Next thing I know I'm being arrested and charged with serious criminal tresspass. ******* *****. I got a good behavior bond and I left home. I was 16.

 

At this point I wasn't going to school anymore and I was homeless. I stayed at youth centers for a while, I lost my job and I was hanging out with dole bludgers and junkies with no ambition to do anything. I rented a house with some of my new friends and just smoked weed all day. After a while I started to become very depressed due to the fucked up circumstances I was in. I tried to get a job and after a couple of months I got hired by a fast food place.

 

Then **** hit the fan. I dropped two and a half tabs of acid and I freaked the **** out. I had a nervous breakdown and I was taken to hospital. I was diagnosed with toxic psychosis and started on olanzapine. The olanzapine didn't work very well so i was hospitalised and put on 2mg of risperdone. I was 17.

 

My parents were suddenly interested in me again and made sure to be in the hospital every day to complain about all the things that were wrong with me. I was once again in that same daze, I wish I had died. I was discharged to my parents house, heavily medicated and confused and it started again. My parents had lined the inside of the shed with plaster-board, this was my new home. They wouldn't allow me in the house, I had to stay in the shed. I was a zombie, cold and empty, void of emotion. I stopped caring.

 

They loved this new psychiatrist, he was a pediatric psychiatrist who was a huge advocate of drugging children into submission. They complained that I was lazy, that I was sleeping all day and throwing up in the mornings and that I had the nerve to have diarrhea. How ******* dare I burden them like this. The risperidone should have been stopped then, I had been clean for weeks and my symptoms were drug induced, but this Dr decided that my sedation and apathy were indicative of depression so he continued the risperidone (2mg) and added venlafaxine.

 

Everything after that is a blur. I was very sick, gaining weight quickly and out of it. I was on autopilot and I got a job at a supermarket, still living in the shed. I would just sleep 10-18 hours a day, eat and go to work. My parents continued to blame me, to the point that my mum made signs saying "Watch your step my son Vomits here", "Health Hazard", etc. to put up when people came over.

 

I'm still very foggy but I remember I started developing severe extrapiramidal side effects, breathing problems, tachycardia, excessive sweating, memory problems, concentration problems and i was becoming extremely restless and unable to sleep. I spoke to my psychiatrist and the genius was confident that these were symptoms of bipolar type 2 and swapped out the venlafaxine for lithium, and kept the risperidone because apparently it's a cure for everything. I was 20.

 

I kept getting worse to the point that I went to the emergency room with my tremor. They suspected lithium toxicity and put me on a drip and ran blood tests. The blood tests came back in the high end of the therapeutic range and I was told that my lithium levels weren't toxic but they were they highest they had ever been and the tremor was certainly a side effect of the lithium. They monitored me for a while, made sure I had and appointment with my psychiatrist and discharged me.

 

When I saw that ****** he came to the conclusion that I was now suffering from anxiety which was to be treated by increasing the dose of my risperidone. This started a cycle where the dose would be increased, I'd become more ill which would be labeled anxiety and treated with another dose increase. This continued until I was on 4mg of risperidone and 1000mg of lithium.

At this point I was literally drooling all the time, I had put on a lot of weight, I was losing bladder control and losing control of my bowels and I had what was essentially Parkinsons disease but I just kept going to work too out of it to care.

 

I then started to become extremely disassociated and I had a severe panic attack at work because nothing seem real anymore. I started having frequent panic attacks and went to my family Dr and he added oxazepam to the mix and referred me to a psychologist for CBT. The CBT helped me overcome the panic attacks so my genius psche decided that I could reduce the risperidone. He reduced my dose to 3mg and my "anxiety" almost  immediately improved so I stopped the oxazepam. My psyche then decided to taper off the risperidone completely which he did over the course of six months and he increased my lithium to 1500mg. I was 22.

 

As the risperidone was tapered I started to come out of the haze but I was so very sick. Sick doesn't even begin to describe it, I had no idea this kind of hell was even possible. I went to my doctor and he prescribed me mirtazapine, this made me so much worse. I was starting to realize what was happening and I spoke to my Dr about the mirtazapine. I told him it was making me suicidal and I knew that was a side effect, he just told me it doesn't do that and told me to increase the dose.

 

I stopped the lithium and mirtazapine cold turkey and I was bedridden and I stopped going to work. Then I was detained. I was 23.

 

As usual in the hospital the doctors were adamant that there is no such thing as withdrawals and their drugs don't have any side effects, I repeatedly told them that I was sick and I wanted to see a doctor but as usual I was ignored. I asked them why they had detained me, they said that they wanted to monitor me to see if I had schizophrenia. I told them I was fine and i wanted to see a doctor, I asked them why they were monitoring me, did I have any psychiatric symptoms? They said no I didn't have any psychiatric symptoms, that they wanted to monitor me to see if I did because I had stopped going to work etc. I told them it was because I was sick. They wouldn't listen. I still had tachycardia which I brought up when I had my ops done and I was just told yes your bpm is a bit high but it's normal for you. I was so obviously sick, I was sweating non stop, pissing non stop, shaking etc but it was ignored.

 

After one week in the ER waiting for a bed and 1 week in the psyche ward I was deemed asymptomatic. The head psyche told me my old psyche thinks I have bipolar type 2 so he put me on a baby dose of sodium valproate (250mg) and discharged me.

 

After I got out I immediately stopped the sodium valproate, then I went to the outpatient clinic I had been refereed to, told them my story and then I told them that I'm done with the mental health system and I politely told them to go **** themselves and I WAS DISCHARGED!

 

The next thing I did was to go to my family doctor and I was almost immediately diagnosed with hyperthyroidism which was confirmed by blood tests.

 

I have now been off all meds for about 10 months and I'm fucked. I am physically and mentally ruined. My body has become its own torture chamber and there is no ******* way that I'm seeing another Dr.

 

So now what? Is anyone honestly going to say that I will get better? Has anyone ever gotten better from even a fraction of what I've been through? I feel like I just need to accept that there is no hope. I wish I had died a long time ago and if I keep going is there anything to accomplish other than prolonging my suffering?

 

I found this post - and I'm not sure if you come onto these forums anymore at all - but I figured I'd respond because your story really hit home to me.  It seems that your parents were quite a bit more abusive than mine, but we both came from really dysfunctional families.  I really identified a lot with your statement that you knew your life was over when you were first put on the amytriptaline.  I was put on paxil at the age of 10-12 or so (I don't remember), and looking back I can say the same exact thing.  I was put back on psych meds when I got depressed when I was 20, and was then on them more or less consistently for the next 7 years of my life.  After my last run in with antidepressants, my body too became it's own torture chamber - no external influences required to make me absolutely miserable.

 

It's now been a little less than 2 years since my last SSRI dose and my body is still its own torture chamber.  HOWEVER, we're both very young (I just turned 29, and you're in your mid 20s).  You will recover if you wait this out. 

 

I'd stay the heck away from your family for obvious reasons and try to work a simple job and rent a room somewhere if you are capable of doing that.

 

There's going to be a lot of anger, but don't ever feel like your anger is not justified - it's totally justified.  Your parents sound like very very abusive people. 

 

It's been about 5 months since your original post, how are you doing now?