Traveller: Help with Mirtazapine Withdrawal

[tgirl]

How are you doing Leechy?

Hope well,

T

[tgirl]

That was meant for traveler!

[Traveller]

I met with my psychiatrist yesterday.  As expected, he "fired" me for being noncompliant with the Lexapro and Abilify.  I told him I'm tired of being numb, and that I can't imagine feeling like this for another year, his standard observational schedule.  He maintained his position that the research contradicts my experience, and that my opinions were "delusional".  He gave me the name of some other psychiatrists and wished me luck.

 

I've got one refill left each of the Ativan and Ambien CR, as well as some standard Ambien lying around.  Looks like I'll be tapering each of those over the next few months whether I'm ready or not.  I actually slept ok last night.  Down to .25 Ativan with the 12mg Ambien CR.  After being woken up by my 4-year old at 1:00 AM, I managed to get back to sleep with a mug of Yogi Bedtime tea with a dropper of Herm Pharm's relaxing sleep tincture.  There's a small amount of St. John's wort and valerian root in that cocktail, so it may not work for those still on serotonin meds.

[tgirl]

Any way you can get a new doc?

[Traveller]

Not sure why at this point.  He/she would just put me on more meds.  My anxiety was situational at the time, but now has become chronic thanks to the mirtazapine, which again was prescribed to combat the startup anxiety and insomnia of escitalopram.  My PC doc called it a "bad reaction" to the escitalopram, but now I understand it's pretty common.  Just wish I had been warned.  Or better yet, just not taken the stupid thing.  I used to sleep like a log every night.  I had one sleepless night due to the situation, and I got started on the med merry-go-round.  Now I am addicted to benzos and sleeping pills just to get a few hours.  I have chronic tension headaches and chest pain, and my concentration is nill.

 

I did the math yesterday, and the results were depressing to say the least.  I was only on mirtazapine for 68 days (45 days at 15mg followed by 21 days at 30mg, then 2 more at 15mg).  I was during those 21 days that I developed a sleep and anxiety disorder, not to mention severe cognitive problems, that I'm still suffering from 157 days later.  It was this iatrogenic anxiety disorder that led me being prescribed SSRIs, which resulted in complete anhedonia after only a few weeks.  My (now former) doctor denies any of this is possible (mirtazapine withdrawal, SSRI induced anhedonia).  Says it's all of symptoms of underlying anxiety and depression.  If I won't take his cocktail of meds for a year, he wants nothing to do with me.

 

So it seems like my choices at this point are:

1. Take benzos for anxiety and develop worse depression and addiction problems.

2. Reinstate an SSRI and experience anhedonia indefinitely.

3. Do nothing and pray to God I heal in due time.

 

Like I said, my old man takes Paxil and Klonopin for his anxiety and seems to do fine.  But then again, he never took the mirtazapine.  How could I do so much damage in only 68 days?  It doesn't seem fair.  I've spent 40 years building a career and family, and it's all at risk now.  My situation in January was depressing, but manageable with a working brain.  Without my brain, nothing else matters.  My boss used to call me "the smartest guy he knows".  I honestly feel like I've lost 50 IQ points in the last 157 days.

[Altostrata]

Psychiatrists are often very wrong, that's why this site exists. Any doctor can prescribe these drugs, you don't need a psychiatrist.

 

Your entire adventure has lasted only 6 months so far. Lots of time ahead for healing.

[Traveller]

I'm certainly no medical professional or pharmacologist, but I sometimes wonder if mirtazapine withdrawal is somehow different than SSRI withdrawal due to the mechanisms of each drug.  While SSRIs prevent the reuptake of serotonin to increase its concentration in the brain (crowding out other neurotransmitters that make life worth living), mirtazapine both increases the production and enhances the transmission of monoamines.  The latter would explain why it works so damned fast, why I felt pretty smart while taking it early on, and feel dumb as dirt right now.  It's as it someone took the premium gas out of my car and replaced it with leaded gas from the 70's.  As for the headaches, tinnitus, and chest pain, it's hard to know if that's due to an overabundance of excitatory neurotransmitters in the brain, or something caused by the temporary (hopefully) lack of serotonin and its vasodilation effect.

 

How does one return the brain to homeostasis without spending a year living in a spa?

[Altostrata]

Withdrawal symptoms are pretty much the same across all classes of psychiatric drugs, with individual variation.

[tgirl]

Traveller hey,

I often found myself wondering the same thing.

But,

I think that Alto is right. Now I think it's all individual to each person.

 

Many people have no problems going from drug to drug or even discontinuing them.

 

Some( us) find ourselves in a very different position!

 

Is your signature current?

Are you taking anything else?

Is you mother-in-law still there?

How's your sleeping?

 

Hope you are well,

Tgirl

[Traveller]

Still dealing with the following physical symptoms:

- Pressure in head

- Pressure in chest

- Tinnitus

- Visual snow

- Concentration problems

 

All symptoms of an over excited central nervous system.  As I explained to my (former) psychiatrist repeatedly, my anxiety was situational at the time, but the 30mg mirtazapine (and the attempted tapering) turned it into a disorder.  Although it may be jumping from the frying pan into the fire, I think switching from Ativan to Klonopin may be in the cards here, since the symptoms seem to get worse as the day goes on (interdose withdrawal finally rearing its ugly head?).  Unfortunately, my psychiatrist refuses to prescribe for me anymore since I refused to take an SSRI (I just couldn't tolerate the emotionless feeling).  He said it was a good idea, but to find someone else to do it.

 

I wonder how long my system could tolerate a low dose of .25mg before tolerance sets in, or could I taper off before then?  I asked my dad, and he's been taking 1mg a day along with his 10mg Paxil for years.  He seems happy, and sleeps pretty well.  I know this site advocates tapering, not adding medication, but maybe I'm one of the unlucky ones whose genetics necessitate something long term.

[tgirl]

Traveler,

 

Does the Ativan help?

I would ask you to re-think moving to K. You will no doubt be jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

 

I think your father is happy on his Paxil and K because he hasn't reached tolerance and/ or because he hasn't had to reduce the medication and has not felt the withdrawal symptoms or a desensitized central nervous system.

 

Why not drop everything else and maybe reinstate 3 mg.

remeron and try to stabilize from there? It may take a long while to become stabile, but it beats adding other drugs to the mix.

 

I am not a doctor and this is not Medical advice.

 

 

 

Tgirl

[leahy]

Good advice from Tgirl. I read your post earlier but was at a loss for words although I did wish I could be helpful. Am I reading your signature correctly, Traveller? Did you drop from 15 mg Remeron to 0 mg? I am suffering so much trying to stabilize at 15 mg and pray I will feel better so I can continue a very slow taper. Remeron is difficult to live with and even more difficult to get off. It's sounds really scary to drop from 15 to nothing. That could be a source of anxiety, headache, nausea, numb extremities, brain fog, insomnia and nausea for me. I'm barely hanging on at 15. I don't like it but this is my only choice right now.

 

I've tried taking klonopin as my pdoc thinks the longer half life would be helpful to me. I feel like klonopin straps me down for days. It lasts for so long which sounds good but for me, I feel useless and unmotivated for too much time when I take it. That leads to depression, irritability and grumpiness - a very bad combo of feelings there. 

 

I don't believe you're one of the unlucky ones whose genetics necessitate something long term. No one deserves to have to live a life like that. I hope you feel a little bit better each day. It's a painstakingly slow process.

 

Best, L

[Traveller]

You know, I never did "stabilize" on the SSRIs.  There was always a bit of anxiety there in the background, mainly fear of the drugs themselves.  I was so afraid of them, I never gave them the chance to see if they worked.  I haven't accomplished anything in the 5 months I tried them.  I've been obsessed with trying to come off everything, letting my brain heal, thinking my emotions would come back once I stopped.  They haven't; only the anxiety has.  The very anxiety I was diagnosed with 5 months ago.  The very anxiety that was triggered by mirtazapine, which was prescribed due to the insomnia caused by the very first Lexapro, which was prescribed after a nervous breakdown in January.  That one pill that has taken the last 9 months of my life away from me.  The one pill that has taken my mind from me, very likely my career.  My IQ used to be considered genius level.  Now I feel like the dumbest guy in the office.  Correction: I AM the dumbest guy in the office.  The job opening I wanted back in December has finally opened, but I can't even do my own job at the moment.  Because of racing thoughts?  Ativan usage?  Antidepressant brain damage?  Who the hell knows anymore.  I've already taken one 3-week break to visit my parents in the country in an attempt to stabilize.  I don't think I can take anymore.  If anything, I feel worse now than I did back then (late July-early August).  I had no emotions, but the physical pain was not nearly as intense.

 

My 4 year old is so sweet.  When I lie down complaining about my headaches, she brings me my wife's earthing mat, thinking it will help ease my pain.  I've been fighting this "disease" primarily for her.  I have pictures of her all over my office to remind me what I'm fighting for.  Is the disease situational, organic, or iatrogenic at this point?  Emotional or physiological?  I don't know any more.  I don't know where I end and the after effects of the medication start.  Can I not enjoy anything because of residual emotional blunting, or because of genuine anxiety and depression?  I don't know if I should reinstate, try something new, do nothing and risk protracted benzodiazapine withdrawal on top of everything.  I am cut off from my psychiatrist.  My family has reached compassion burnout.  They don't know what to do either.  They've got their own problems to worry about.  My daughter has FPIES, my mother has alzheimer's, my uncle has parkinson's, my father-in-law has cancer, my mother-in-law is still mentally ill.  All I had to do was stay stable and do my job.  Why couldn't I do that?

 

I make deals with God on a daily basis: if He heals my brain, I will never ask for anything more.  All the situational crap that led to the original diagnosis is meaningless now.  If I can just get back to me.  Why can't I get back to me?

 

How can a pill that makes you feel nothing hurt so bad when you stop?

[leahy]

I think you are right about mirtazapine triggering anxiety. The only way out is a slow taper. Sleep helps, exercise helps, good diet and lots of fresh air and sunshine and then more sleep.

 

Slow and steady wins the race.

[tgirl]

Hey T,

 

Just keep focusing on those sweet pictures.

 

I wish I had some advice for you.

 

What does your family think you should do?

 

Hope you find some sleep tonight!

Tgirl

[MirtNoMore]

Our situations are quite similar! I took Lexapro 5 mg for three weeks, then when it was obvious it was only making things worse, I dropped it and tried mirtazapine 15 mg for four more. Four days of 7.5 mg, and then I was off ADs completely in mid-April.

 

I figured after a month or two, I'd be out of the woods. Not so. The last few weeks I was mostly back to normal, but I'm having a bit of a relapse now. Still, nothing compared to how bad it was the first couple months.

I was on zolpidem and later Xanax, and my perception is that I only started to get better once I dropped them, plus anything else that affects GABA (alcohol, NSAIDs, etc). Xanax would get me a few hours sleep, but then I was wired with rebound anxiety from early morning through the next day.

 

I found that some nights I'd only sleep 1-2 hours, or not at all, but I still wasn't sleepy during the day. I kept reminding myself that if I wasn't sleepy, there wasn't a problem. I tried to distinguish between feeling tired (and so overwhelmed I didn't want to do anything) and sleepy. Usually I was tired but wired.

 

Rest assured, you will get better. It just takes lots of time. And more patience than I thought I had. I feel confident in saying that your anxiety, depression, and anhedonia are withdrawal symptoms. Accept them as they happen and trust that they are temporary.

[SquirrellyGirl]

Hi Traveller, 

I just read through your thread.  I am tapering off of Mirt and Venlafaxine, though focusing on the Mirt right now.  I did a fast taper off of venlafaxine last summer, and the WD symptoms were so slow to come on that when they did I didn't realize what was happening!  Brain fog, memory problems, racing obsessive thoughts, insomnia, sweating, waves of prickly skin that I thought had to do with menopause, on and on.  Then the anxiety hit, worse and more global than I had ever experienced before.  The depression hit as well.  Horrible, racing anxious thoughts in the night that I just couldn't bear anymore.  I saw a p-doc who put me on Mirt because of the sleep problems and the fact that I had lost weight because I just didn't care to feed myself.

 

I slept like a log and felt much better on 7.5 mg....for a little while.  He told me it was a gentle drug that I could play with, add as needed.  Well, pretty soon I was adding and adding because the apathy was overtaking me, absolutely no motivation to get off the couch, and with that, self-judgement and depression.  Got up to 37.5 mg in six weeks, and was desperate, not wanting to die, but not wanting to live LIKE THAT, as many here have said.

 

So, my doc reinstated the venlafaxine, since I seemed to tolerate it well in the past.  37.5 mg.  Within an hour of taking it, a vail lifted and I felt 100% better.  Odd, I thought - shouldn't it take time for it to work again?  D'oh, I still didn't get it!  Mind you, I hadn't taken it for ten months or more, but I had been on it for 12 years.  It was only after I met someone who was withdrawing from Lexapro that it finally dawned on me that everything I had experienced before the Mirt was withdrawal from venlafaxine!  And now I was on two ADs!!!

 

So, I stabilized briefly and then began a slow taper off both, though I am now focusing on the Mirt because A) it ceased to help me other than sleep and I was gaining weight.

 

I am now down to about 55% of the Mirt (now 21 mg) and 80% of the 37.5 mg venlafaxine.  I forgot to include that my doc dropped me from 37.5 mg Mirt to 30 mg when he reinstated the venlafaxine.  When that happened, I had a numb tongue/lips sensation, and that has returned when I have done the 10% cuts.  Also, mild diarrhea, and occasional headaches.  My sleep isn't as good as when I was on the Mirt alone, but it is merely restless, not outright insomnia. I have had wave days of neuro-emotions, but I think they might be tied more to the venlafaxine, but maybe it's the mirt, hard to tell.

 

I got Peter Breggin's book about psych drug WD, one that has not been well-accepted here, but he talks about psych med spellbinding.  That means that when we were on the drugs, we didn't realize that the problematic symptoms we had were drug side effects, tending to blame them on it just being us, aging, etc.  Kind of the old frog in boiling water analogy - happens so slowly that we don't see the connection.  The same can happen with WD.  When I am having neuro-emotions, I tend to feel like it is really me and that I will be like this forever, rather than realizing it is WD!  And then a couple of days later I pop out of it into a window and laugh at myself for having thought that way, AGAIN!  Spellbinding caused me to not see that I was in WD from venlafaxine, because it all came about so slowly.

 

I say this because as I read through your posts, I see spellbinding.  I think it has in part led you to try new drugs because you are in the belief that maybe it's just what you need, like your dad, but I think it is the AD WD talking.  If you think about your life and all you built before the crisis that led to you to ADs, can you truly say that you should have been medicated sooner?

 

I think something that has helped me most profoundly during this experience and the waves that I have had while tapering is mindfulness and self-compassion.  Lots of folks here have turned to meditation.  Baylissa Fredericks, a AD WD survivor big time, emphasizes having a positive attitude about your WD, in that you see it as your body's effort to heal, because that is what is going on - you are healing.  Adding things to treat symptoms of that healing won't make it any faster and when it comes to adding psych drugs, you are just making it more complicated.  She suggests not "fighting" WD, but accepting it, accepting that your body is repairing itself, and to be patient.  Do whatever it takes to distract yourself from the troubling thoughts.  My mantra when the anxiety gets bad is "though there will be setbacks, I can take one day at a time."  When I think about "this will never end," I cause myself all kinds of anxiety and suffering, so I stop myself and say "I can be kind to myself and take one day (or moment) at a time."  Thinking about WD recovery taking months or longer can be too much to tolerate, but you can tolerate "one moment, one day at a time," right?

 

I hope this helps.  Be kind to yourself as you heal.   Do not judge yourself or the process (to do so causes suffering).  This too shall pass.  :-)

[Traveller]

The cognitive issues are what scare me most, the total inability to concentrate and think analytically, and I don't know what's causing them.  I literally cannot do the job for which I was hired at the moment.

[tgirl]

Hey T,

Just checking in to see how you are doing?

Tgirl

[Traveller]

Not good.  It's been 42 days since discontinuation, and motivation, emotions, and cognition still have not returned.  A once brilliant lawyer has been reduced to doing coloring books and "easy" crossword puzzles as his only hobbies.  I still waste way too much time reading websites and message boards about antidepressants, anxiety medication, and withdrawal effects.  I am admittedly obsessed, a symptom that my former psychiatrist said proved I needed SSRIs.

 

Starting to feel the effects of interdose Ativan withdrawal, especially late in the day.  I can almost feel the glutamic acid eating my brain alive.  That can't be helping with the cognition or depression either.  I need a game plan for getting off this stuff now.  Any ideas?

 

I believe my office environment doesn't help things either.  I sit alone in a windowless office and don't interact with people much.  Unfortunately, I feel so weird both on and off the SSRIs that I barely know how to interact with people anymore.  It's as if mirtazapine withdrawal created a social anxiety disorder out of thin air.  The only people I feel comfortable conversing with anymore are my wife and my mother, and it usually involves me complaining about my withdrawal symptoms.  They're understandably tired of hearing about it.

[tgirl]

Traveller,

 

I have the same symptoms.( And I'm still on 1 mg. )

 

I spend all my day online looking for answers. It's as if remeron triggered an OCD. ( never had that before). My motivation is zero too!

I have constant anxiety x100, insomnia, extreame fatigue, cog fog, stomach issues, and many more.

I try to do crosswords to help my cog abilities too, but get too frustrated to complete them. Havent tried coloring.

Are you able to get any sleep?

 

The only advice I have about the ativan is to look on this site. There is a lot of usefull information about how to get off the z drugs. I think skyler heads this department, but I'm not sure. Try and send her a message.

 

I understand about your family getting tired of hearing about it. Mine is too!

 

Hope things improve for you!

Best wishes,

Tgirl

[tgirl]

Travel,

Checking in to see how you are doing?

Tgirl

[Traveller]

Tgirl:

 

I seem to be experiencing many of the same symptoms as another poster: Johnmtz.  These symptoms are neither psychosomatic nor a function of aging, as my former psychiatrist maintains.  The insomnia, tinnitus, visual snow, head, chest and facial pressure may all be due to an overabundance of glutamate in my brain, the amino acid that must have been held in check by all the psychiatric drugs I was prescribed.   As I removed each one, the glutamate rebound must have intensified.  This is no longer a mood disorder, but a physiological one.  I don't know how to stop it without taking more drugs that will ultimately numb my emotions and destroy my mind.

 

Last week, my wonderful wife took me to see a functional medicine doctor that claims to be able to treat my symptoms with neurofeedback and supplements, and hopefuly reboot my brain neurotransmitters to the state they were in before I started taking psych meds in January.  My wife is optimistic as she is very anti-med, and we both agree this is pretty much our last hope.  I can't go on living with this physical pain.

[Traveller]

I am down to nothing but the Ambien now, and I am struggling.  The pressure in my head and chest is unbearable.  Forget about anhedonia or emotional blunting for the moment; this pain is excruciating and unrelenting.  The tinnitus and visual snow are getting worse by the day.  Blood pressure and pulse are normal.

 

This was not the underlying condition for which I sought treatment.  This is not an emotional regulation problem.  This is physiological now, and it's not getting better.

[Martina23]

Hello, I found that quite impressive how you stopped all your meds. I did the same - 3 months ago. I can very much relate to reasons why you did it. I found it right. But try to limit your use of benzos, in other case you are quickly in another addiction. My children are 3 years old. Before withdrawal I was working to finish all my tax advisor exams and start my own company. Now I have the same problem with concentration like you - I have to read all the tax law 10 times as I can not concentrate on the text. We have to train the brain and hope that it will go better.

[Traveller]

Thanks, Martina.  Ironically, I was considering Lyrica to combat my insomnia issues.  I read somewhere it was better for sleep architecture than Ambien, and might actually provide some anxiety relief during the day.  I realize, of course, that tolerance and cognition are issues with Lyrica, but then they are with Ambien as well.

 

I thought discontinuing the serotonin meds would bring my emotions back, but all it brought back is pain.

[leahy]

Gosh, T, there is a pending lawsuit against Lyrica and Cymbalta. I'm afraid you might be going from the frying pan to the fire. God knows this can happen quickly.

 

Did I read that you work in an office with no windows? All day? That cannot be helping a human being at all. Anyone would get depressed and have difficulty sleeping. Have you considered light therapy at all. A simple light for 20 minutes a day? I've read about light therapy but have not tried it but I think I will in the near future as I struggle with sleep issues.

 

I wish you all the best and good healing. My heart goes out to you.

 

Leahy

[Martina23]

Hello Traveller, I think the emotions will come back, it is only not so quickly. I feel some improvement in my symptoms. During the tapering of Lyrica I had such scary pictures before falling asleep or upon waking up, when still my eyes were closed, I saw in my mind snakes, spiders, dwars, body parts and such stupid stuff. Now it starts to clear itself. My brain starts to use my natural pathways and I get these stupid pictures only if I am thinking about them. So therefore I am sure also by you it will come to progress. Just dont beat yourself that you are still hurting. When you get healthy, you will give your family everything you can. You can not do now more, as you have also right to be once ill.

[Traveller]

It's been 94 days since I discontinued Lexapro and Mirtazapine, and about a week since I stopped using any benzos or z-drugs.  I was naively optimistic that my emotions would return by now, but it seems I'm only experiencing the physical symptoms of anxiety again (tinnitus, facial numbness, head pressure, metallic mouth, chest pain, insomnia) regardless of what I may be doing or thinking.  My nervous system appears to be in a state of permanent hyperarousal, and I still experience little to no joy in my accomplishments, hobbies, music, and physical intimacy.  Is this the so-called "tardive dysphoria" I've read out?  These drugs have sucked the joy out of life, and I'm beginning to worry it may not come back.

[leahy]

Hi T,

 

I can only speak about mirtazapine since that's what I have been trying to taper off since last February when I was at 60 mg and it's been hell. From my experience your symptoms sound like wd symtoms to me. Did you drop from 15 mg of mirt to 0 mg just like that? I'm struggling to stay below 30 mg. At present I am on 24 mg. When I try to drop faster I get severe, constant headache, tinnitus, insomnia, depression, nausea, chest pain. So I plan on taking as much time as my body needs.

 

For the first time I am beginning to feel better. I transitioned to making my own liquid, updosed a bit and am able to taper in smaller increments. It is a gift to only have a mild headache and sleeping through the night works wonders on how I feel and how I am healing.

 

Could you be suffering from wd symptoms from a rapid wd?

 

L

[Traveller]

I don't know.  I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore.  I don't remember what it's like to be happy, to feel normal.  Due to withdrawal(?), my brain appears not to be producing the serotonin to relax me enough nor the dopamine/norepinephrine to enjoy the things I used to love.  Dysphoric mood would be putting it lightly.

 

This past year was my third bout with depression, but the first time I medicated it.  My depressions have typically been in the form of adjustment disorders, often triggered by the loss of a relationship coupled with uncertainty of the future (graduations, career transitions, etc.).  I've never dealt well with uncertainty.  I always had a plan, a vision of what I wanted my life to look like, and anything that derailed that vision was upsetting.  My psychiatrist believes these "what if" thoughts trigger my amygdala to produce stress hormones generating symptoms of anxiety, and that "it's depressing to be anxious all the time."  I can't deny that.  I've always had a low stress tolerance, a short temper to speak.  "Dopamine dominate" my brother-in-law calls it.  What can I say?  I loved my dopamine.  I had a very high sex drive, loved getting drunk, used anger and adrenaline to power through workouts and long runs and felt great afterwards.  Though never formally diagnosed, I believe I've had ADD most of my life.  I've suffered academically and lost a job due to it.

 

So he prescribes serotonigenics to quiet the amygdalda, let the rational brain take over for the emotional brain until I solve the problems causing me stress.  He wanted to observe me for a year, then taper me off over a couple of weeks.  Obviously, I would take longer than that, given what I know now.  Of course, had I known a year ago what I know now, I would never have touched the first dose of Lexapro.  I've read conflicting reports as to the benefits and dangers of long-term (6+ months) use of SSRIs.  Some say they produce brain derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF) that makes the brain more resilient to future stress.  Others say it can lead to permanent down-regulation of serotonin receptors leading to the aforementioned tardive dysphoria.

 

Things is, I was impatient.  Once I experienced emotional blunting, I was terrified.  It's when I began my obsessional research with psychopharmacology, to the sacrifice of living my life for ther past 6 months.  It seems people that responds favorably to SSRIs say they like "being in control of their emotions".  Others bemoan "feeling like a zombie".  I was in the latter category.  My psychiarist said being numb was "better than being sad all the time", but denied that those were my only options.  He maintained that once the anxiety was controlled by the medication, that happiness would follow.  I disagreed.  I thought the only way to be truly happy was to be drug-free and deal with life on its own terms, with full range of emotion.   I thought so long as I tapered slowly (and I did), my emotions would return, and I could accept life as it is, not as I wished it would be.  He warned me that I "wouldn't feel good if I did".  I accepted that there would be some discomfort, but that I hadn't been on the drugs long, and it wouldn't take long for my brain to snap back as long as I kept a positive attitude and minimized stress.

 

Thing is, it's not snapping back.  My default state is no longer satisfied contentedness, but one of uncomfortable tension.  Not sure I'd call it akathisia, but it's unpleasant, and it's not subsiding.  The tension in my forehead, face, and chest is extremely uncomfortable, as is the ringing in my ears.  I am very aware of my heart beating even when at rest.  I have no doubt this is due to some autonomic nervous system disregulation due to my use of antidepressants.  I would be a hypochondriac to blame this on MS or neuralgia as many in withdrawal do, but something is not right.  I am 40 years old, and I cannot foresee living like this for another 40, constantly tense and in pain, spending most of my night awake in agony.  I believe my consciousness has been altered somehow.  I feel somewhat depersonalized, going through the motions of the day in order to provide for my wife and daughter.  Memories are not as sharp as they used to be.  I don't anticipate future events the way I used to.  Writing, analysis, and reading comprehension are more difficult.   I don't enjoy music like I did, and comedies no longer make me laugh.  I haven't truly laughed in a long time.  Running no longer generates any sort of endorphin rush.  I cry more often than I used to.  I won't lie; I have suicidal thoughts constantly now.  Wheras my stress was situational before, I truly feel chemically imbalanced at this point.  Were it not for my wife and daughter and my fear of hell, I might have taken my life by now.  I know I have a lot to look forward to, that life is beautiful, and that I am loved.  But I feel miserable, just as my psychiatrist predicted.

 

No doubt a doctor would label this as relapse, evidence that I need further treatment, probably for life.  Being emotionally blunted for life is a terrifying prospect, but so is living with these symptoms.

[dalsaan]

Hi Traveller

 

I'm sorry you are struggling. I'm wondering what non-drug techniques you have tried to deal with your emotional symptoms? We have a thread on it here - http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1112-non-drug-techniques-to-cope-with-emotional-symptoms/

 

You might also try qi gong

 

 

In addition you could try magnesium for the tension. I would avoid anything at adds to your stress including running and I would reconsider your supplements, particularly the 5htp - these may be hindering rather than helping

 

I guess what I am suggesting is an all out non drug strategy designed to dampen down your nervous system reactions and symptoms. This means trialling a range of things, that combined are intended to support recovery and good health. Review your supplements, limit stressors, including physical ones, practice moved body therapies (qi gong, meditation etc). Get out in nature. Spend gentle quality time with your family. Practice acceptance and gratitude.

 

I don't think there is an answer in the sense of foe things that's going to fix you. But I think there is a healing package that can set a good foundation for recovery and well being. Devise a strategy, follow it religiously for 6-8 weeks and the review.

 

Your thoughts

 

Dalsaan

[Traveller]

Update:

 

I'm about 4 months off the serotonin meds (Remeron & Lexapro) and 1 month of the gaba meds (Ambien & Ativan).  Sleep was rough for the first week or so, but it's slowly improving.  I guess I was naive in thinking that my emotions would have returned and that I would be feeling close to normal by now.  Instead, I'm still dealing with intense pressure in my head, chest, and sinuses, along with seemingly endless anhedonia.  This morning my daughter's preschool had their Christmas concert, and my wife expressed frustration that I was so quiet and emotionless during and after the show.  I do my best to "fake it until I make it", but I guess it's not enough sometimes.  Doing whatever I can to reduce cortisol levels in my brain and heart (magnesium, fish oil, taurine, glycine, ashwaganda), but I can't say any of it is really helping.

 

I did manage to run my first 5K in over a year last weekend.  I was worried my nervous and cardiovascular systems couldn't handle it, but I finished within a minute of my PR.  Thing is, I don't get the runner's high I used to, which sucks.  The endorphins I used to get from exercise were one of the best things about my life.  It was my drug before I fell victim to antidepressants.

 

I'm sorry to hear about tgirl.

[Hopefull]

Hi Traveller,

Are you doing nerofeed back?

I am really interested in nerofeed back.

Best wishes, Hopefull.

[Traveller]

The pressure in my head and chest is unbearable.  Is this cortisol?  Is this just anxiety?  Nothing I've taken has stopped the pain.  It's been 5 months since discontinuation.  I wasn't even on the crap very long.

 

I tried to get off before my receptors downregulated, but could they have adapted to the mirtazapine in that short of a time?

[Jav1]

Hi @TravellerI know it's been a while since you posted. Wanted to know how your journey went. Hope you are in a good place.