Lanah: Polydrugged: still on trazodone and seroquel

[lanah]

I feel horrible. akathesia is back full blown. The jerks and movements and insomnia are awful. I don't know how to do this  
I hope i can stabilize on the 12mgs (whatever that is) and i will ask my husband to order a scale so i can maybe do a microtaper after this. If i can manage to see how it works. 

[lanah]

i'm extremely scared :'( 

[lanah]

I hate that jerking so much , it freaks me out :'( 
Should i be gentle with myself? Because it's only been two weeks since a cut. Hope somebody pitches in. 
I talked to my dh and he agreed, we are doing a microtaper next! 
 

[Shep]

Yes, Lanah, definitely be gentle with yourself. Always good advice. 

 

A microtaper sounds like a great idea. 

 

Are you seeing improvements in other areas? With lack of sleep, everything may feel horrible at this point, but you are getting closer to the finish line.

 

Please keep us updated. 

[lanah]

I got injured in august, and it didn't heal yet because of lack of sleep that's why i restarted my taper, because i think that this low dosage of seroquel might keep me out of my sleep. But the taper is hell (because of akathesia and even 
worse insomnia) I'm a bit in a no-win situation right now. I'm in a wheelchair because of the injury and doctor's don't understand why i don't heal (well euhm i'm not sleeping, and then they prescribed me morphine patches, lyrica, amytritpilline,... i refused them all, but they can't really help me right now so) 
So it's hard to say. I did go on holiday right before the injury and that was heaven. I felt so good. But ok, we're 4 months later and i'm in hell right now. So hopefully the microtaper will help. 
I just have the feeling that i react badly to the seroquel (as my sx worsen after i take it for example) but tapering is hell as well.  
I'm just so scared. ANd the akathesia while being in a wheelchair, i don't have words for that. 
People don't get the kindling part. I mean. I can't take anything. And people try to convince me to take something. Or reinstate something. This is not an option. As i had to decide to not take anything ever. (even advil or 
tylenol, i can't take anything anymore) 
The only way through this is by holding on. 
I'm just so scared that the jerking will be permanent.  
You're kind of an inspiration for me, because you were on lot's of stuff too. So i really try to hold on. But so scared. Probably because of the lack of sleep. 

[Shep]

I don't think the jerking will be permanent, but it very well may take a long time to go away.

 

I had a ton of jerking at night, as well as really bizarre symptoms like exploding head syndrome, but most of this is gone now. And it still amazes me that it's gone because as severe as these symptoms were, at times, if I let my thoughts go too long in that direction, I would think these symptoms permanent.

 

Try not to get caught up in that dark thought stream because it's simply not true. It's withdrawal talking and withdrawal tends not to be very honest. We do heal, slowly, in time. 

 

My sleep is getting better and better, and as that happens, other symptoms improve.

 

Keep moving forward, holding when you need to, and healing. You'll get there, Lanah. 

[lanah]

I hate myself so much :'( i obsessively think about everything that has happened to me and i'm so angry. 
I can't forgive them. they live their lives and i'm so broken. Beyond repair. I have no coping skills, i can't turn my emotions off. When turn on i keep going. 
I hate myself. I wish i could relax, but non of the usual coping techniques (like meditation ) is working. I feel so freakin angry. 
I even have very aggressive thoughts. Horrible fantasies about hurting myself. My brain is broken. 
I hate them. And i hate myself 
Maybe they were right and i'm a hopeless basket case. I'm not worth saving. Or worth caring for. 

[Shep]

Lanah, you're going down some dark thought streams, which is dangerous to continue. 

 

You don't need to forgive right now. You just need to survive. 

 

It sounds like you're trying to relax when you may have akathisia, perhaps? Mixed in with friends or family (whoever "they" are) who are making things worse for you.

 

Perhaps take a read of some of the threads in the Relationship forum.  This thread in particular may be helpful:

 

Helping Family Understand Withdrawal

 

This is a relatively new post by Brassmonkey that I've found very helpful and can be used for many symptoms that have a danger of spiraling out of control:

 

Dealing with Emotional Spirals

 

I hope these are helpful. You are not "a hopeless basket case" at all. You're just sick and struggling to get better. And you will. The world needs you. 

 

[scallywag]

Lanah, you may find some helpful ideas to free yourself from the thought patterns in this topic:

 

Change the channel - dealing with cognitive symptoms

[lanah]

thank you both. Those links are really helpful. 
I have been having a new sx for one week now and it's not subsiding , it's fibromyalgia type pain all over my body, massages or acupuncture didn't work. Is this normal in withdrawal? 
I have a severe fight with my husband I really hope we don't get divorced but it's really bad  

[scallywag]

Muscle/joint pains can be withdrawal symptoms too. 

 

You can find topics about almost every symptom by doing a web search. To put results from this site at the top of the list include

site:survivingantidepressants.org as a search term.

 

For example, enter these into a google search:

site:survivingantidepressants.org +fibromyalgia

[lanah]

Thank you. I just feel so horribly agitated. I'm trying to calm myself down. But i have the most horrible fantasies of hurting myself or others and it scares me :'( i used to be the sweetest girl you can imagine. And i turned into a monster. I can't do this :'( 
I'm so scared it will be permanent. It has been 24 days since my last cut. Why don't these feelings leave :'( 
even if i ask my family to read it , they don't want to. Nobody is interested in me. I asked my husband that i want to ask my psychologist to read it, he said they wouldn't. So now i feel like nobody will ever care for me. And i deserve to die. 
Yes it's the circle like in that post but, i'm just so ******* agigated that i can't change the channel, everything enrages me to the point that i'm super agressive and dangerous to anyone around me. I won't do anything , i promise , but it's  so hard to contain myself. I asked my husband to leave so i can bounce off the walls in a more secure setting. But why doesn't the agigation end? I hate that freakin seroquel so much

[Shep]

thank you both. Those links are really helpful. 

I have been having a new sx for one week now and it's not subsiding , it's fibromyalgia type pain all over my body, massages or acupuncture didn't work. Is this normal in withdrawal? 

I have a severe fight with my husband I really hope we don't get divorced but it's really bad

 

 

Hi, Lanah.

 

I'm sorry you're struggling so much, but I'm wondering if your life circumstances may be more in play with your current suicidal thoughts and anger, or at least, just as much, as the Seroquel. 

 

You may be holding your tension and emotions in the muscles in your body, which is common. I do that when I'm stressed. My neck and back get really tight.

 

Can you do some gentle yoga stretches? Or perhaps a meditation such as a body scan?

 

Jon Kabat-Zinn: Body Scan

 

We make very poor advocates for ourselves during withdrawal. It's hard for us to get anyone else to believe it. It's not just you, we ALL are dealing with this, so please don't take it personally that no one understands.

 

The fact is, the world needs us to survive and heal because after we heal, we not only become great advocates for ourselves, we're able to articulate this in a way that can actually help those around us. 

[Marsha]

Thank you. I just feel so horribly agitated. I'm trying to calm myself down. But i have the most horrible fantasies of hurting myself or others and it scares me :'( i used to be the sweetest girl you can imagine. And i turned into a monster. I can't do this :'( 

I'm so scared it will be permanent. It has been 24 days since my last cut. Why don't these feelings leave :'( 

even if i ask my family to read it , they don't want to. Nobody is interested in me. I asked my husband that i want to ask my psychologist to read it, he said they wouldn't. So now i feel like nobody will ever care for me. And i deserve to die. 

Yes it's the circle like in that post but, i'm just so ******* agigated that i can't change the channel, everything enrages me to the point that i'm super agressive and dangerous to anyone around me. I won't do anything , i promise , but it's  so hard to contain myself. I asked my husband to leave so i can bounce off the walls in a more secure setting. But why doesn't the agigation end? I hate that freakin seroquel so much

Hi lanah. I certainly understand the anger and rage. I expressed extreme rage. and blame toward my husband during the summer months. But for the most part, it has settled down. I still feel the anger start to emerge in the morning when I am transitioning from sleep to waking up. But by accepting the suggestions from moderators like shep, jancarol, AliG and many others including one of my sons, I am letting go of those feelings. I am sure it will pass for you as well. I actually had to spend time at my sons home to learn coping mechanisms. But those coping skills are right here I have found, even in the face of extreme debilitating physical problems and dietary limitations. The agitation has subsided as well. I still struggle with suicidal thoughts as well, but I always reach out to my safe people who i know won't allow me to be institutionalized ever again. We are never far off from you Lanah. I hope I have said something that resonates with you. I really want to help, but many times its'"open mouth insert foot." So I apologize in advance if anything I have said upsets you. Simple yoga and breathing exercises really help as Shep has suggested.

[lanah]

I don't understand why but meditation and yoga doesn't help right now. I usually do this every day. I used to loooove yoga. NOw i'm just a raging mess. Wish i could go for a run but i can't walk so that's just ridiculous. 
I have so much toxic energy 
It helps that you say that it has settled down. I really hope so I'm kind o f scared that it's permanent i think that thought makes it worse. But when i try to meditate i notice the jerking even more than when i distract so 
it sends me into this spiral of even more rage and i can't calm down. Nothing calms me down . 

[Marsha]

Hi Lanah. I noticed also that meditation made my agitation worse. As soon as I tried to do it my mind and body rejected it. I still find it difficult to do breathing exercises. Sometimes I can get through some yoga, sometimes it backfires. But I am just continuing to put one foot in front of the other in the face of this ordeal. Sometimes actually often it's two steps back and then I can deal with my circumstances again. Many times I have felt the agitation when trying to sleep and I was up and down in and out of bed angry and crying. But it has subsided. It really has subsided. Yes it seems to be more difficult for some of us and many times I have just had to just wait it out because nothing seemed to help. Just keep trying with the suggestions from the moderators. You will start to settle down. You will be ok Lanah.

[Martina23]

Hi Lanah, many of the people went through stages like you feel now. Sometimes this rage and terrible thoughts can also come as side effect of drug which in lower amounts can have even more profound side effects. When I was tapering Lyrica, the worst side effects were in these lowest doses but when I jumped off a lot of my discomfort disappeared. So sure it can be withdrawal but it really can be also that the drug before you kick it totally makes you even more rage and more terrible thoughts. Therefore please try to distract and dont make yourself guilty. You will manage it, you are only in the toughest spot now.When you cant exercise, you can start painting or writing a novel about your withdrawal , this could give you again sense of yourself and selfesteem and you will feel better.

[lanah]

Thank you both! It made me think of some stuff.  Marsha i also take something for my thyroid. Levotheroxine. How are you doing taking natural thyroid hormone right now? I asked my doctor to take a bit less, i will take 87.5 instead of 100 micrograms now. 

Martina i had that with my trazodone a few years back, so that is a possibility! I have to taper slowly though because of the severe sx. 
That's why we will order a precision scale, i'm also a bit scared that the pharmacy didn't do a precize job with my compounding, so i want to check that with the precision scale. 

[Marsha]

Hi Lanah. You know,this whole mess I am in started when I developed hashimotos thyroiditis. I know I had it long before I had obvious symptoms like sleeping a lot. Possibly since a child. When I was started on levothyroxine I felt better but was still depressed at times. That is how I got put on anti depressants and then benzos and then the neuroleptics (antipsychotics). But after reading through the thyroid topic here and going to websites like hypothyroidmom and Stop The Thyroid Madness and izabella wentz the thyroid pharnacist, I realized I was one of those that the t4 synthetic levothyroxine only worked partially. Also the zoloft I was taking was interfering with the absorption of the levothyroxine no doctor would help me they just said they were tired of my anxiety and said i had to go to psychiatrists. No one ever did the right thyroid tests, they just did the TSH test instead of a full thyroid panel that iincludes free t3 free t4 reverse t3 the two antibodies tests and the four iron tests and a lot more and relied on TSH instead of my symptoms. Since coming out of my drug induced state, I realized that I should have been on natural thyroid from the beginning. It would have prevented all of this polydrugging and suffering. Also the lactose intolerance, gluten and other things like a MTHFR mutation, the nutrient deletions. And much more. I finally got my doctor to check for b12 and d3 levels and I am very depleted. I also found out that the 100 mcg of levothyroxine I had been taking for a long time has sulfa in it and I am allergic to sulfa. My doctor started me out at 32.5 of the nature-throid. He said it will be one piece of the puzzle to help bring my antibodies down and help with my rt3 problem. After slowly changing my diet and then the getting off levothyroxine I am slowly improving. Maybe it will help distract you from your symptoms if you read through the thyroid topic here started by Karma and go to those websites I mentioned. I know it really helped me to take charge of my situation. I have to be my own advocate and have had to teach my doctors what I have learned and thankfully they are cooperating and working hard to try to restore my health. This just happened within the past few weeks. I know this is a lot of information Lanah, but you know at least for me it has helped me put things into perspective more. I don't know how all of this is going to work out but at least now I have the knowledge and have taken control and I have found a Healthcare team who will partner with me. Knowledge is power. How are you doing today Lanah?

[lanah]

I feel like i got a cold and i didn't sleep. But tomorrow i will be alone and looking forward to some alone time (i have kids) 
It sounds very interesting. I got into trouble with my thyroid after cold turkeying my efexor many years ago. That's why i'm doubting if it is drug induced or a real problem. My doctor's always test for tsh, t4 and t3. THe other ones i never heard of. It's true it could be interesting to get into this so that i could maybe heal myself. I will definetely do that , thank you! 
I could use some distraction from the seroquel. 
I kind of want to get off the thyroid hormones entirely. That's because i'm kind of believe it is drug induced. I'm not sure of course, i will look into it. But it doesn't hurt to dream. 
I'm on that med since 2009. So that's a while. But i have taken so many meds which i thought were necessary (like bètablockers or anti acids or ad's or muscle relaxers) and they turned out to be bogus. So yes now those thyroid meds are suspicious to me too. 

[lanah]

Still twitching. Had one good night yesterday (but it took me three hours to fall asleep)
Lot's of si joint pain, and muscle weakness. Hopefully 2017 will be kinder to me. Happy new year everyone

[Marsha]

Still twitching. Had one good night yesterday (but it took me three hours to fall asleep)

Lot's of si joint pain, and muscle weakness. Hopefully 2017 will be kinder to me. Happy new year everyone

Hi Lanah. Glad you got some rest. I have those same symptoms. But the movement disorder did resolve for me. Sounds like you feel a little better. Just wanted to stop by an say hey and say something encouraging. Take care.

[lanah]

Thank you! 
Yes, i had again trouble falling asleep but had better sleep quality in the morning. Hopefully this is the beginning of an upwards cycle. 

[Marsha]

Thank you! 

Yes, i had again trouble falling asleep but had better sleep quality in the morning. Hopefully this is the beginning of an upwards cycle.

 

Hi lanah. I had to stop the natural thyroid and go back to the levothyroxine because I could not sleep on the natural stuff. Oh well. Just wanted to let you know.

[lanah]

I got into another spiral yesterday  
Triggered by something my dh said. it ended with me thinking everyone on this planet hates me and they want me to get put down like a dog. 
The worst part is that my kid said they were scared of mommy. It broke my heart but it made me hate myself even more :'(
I feel like the worst person on this earth. 
Totally worthless. 
I can't seem to find myself , i'm starting to have 5 hour nights (not every night) but it's a start. But i'm so tired and so angry with myself. 
How can i go back to loving myself? 
I don't know why i would do that other than it could be better for my kid. But it seems like that motivation doesn't really make it happen. It should come 
from within but i can't seem to find love. 
I was wondering if i was just a nag, i mean, was my life really that bad? How are other people's lifes? Am i playing the victim here? 
Should i just suck it up? 
I feel like i'm the bad person. And i never really escaped my problems. I always got into psychiatry, got more pills , started a new life, ended up back in psychiatry and so on. 
I'm probably just a nag. I hate myself why can't i get over myself. Why can't i just move on, learn to walk again (injury still pretty bad) , just sleep. 
Why can't i be a better person? 

[lanah]

I'm copying this from the spiral page:

 

"Defusing the situation is very important especially in "confrontations".  This is a matter of self-preservation because Anger Spirals have a bad habit of escalating to violence, and that has a lot of ramifications.  The person who is angry is often deemed the "bad guy".  The one who hits first is always in the wrong, and the like.  Because we're in an Anger Spiral that has put us in the center of things, according to society, we have to "control our selves".  So, finding ourselves in a bad situation causing and caused by our Anger Spiral we must take control and make things right.  

 

Trying to talk our way out of it won't work, The Spiral is in control of things, making it so we can't think clearly.  The best option, if at all possible, is to just walk away.  It is much better to be seen as rude than violent.  Turn, walk away, relax, regroup and if necessary re-approach the subject from a different angle (work related things you just can't get out of) otherwise drop it and move on.

 

No matter how justified you feel with the course of action you want to take, it’s the Anger Spiral taking control and you can’t let it.  Becoming angry or overly emotional is a luxury that none of us can afford.  Even if they’re right, the person who is angry or overly emotional will be perceived as wrong, out of control and will carry the blame for the situation."

[lanah]

Lyrics that speak to me:

"Bombarded by brutal events

Like the rays of a sun
Knocked to my knees
By the waves that continued to come
Each time I rise to my feet
I am knocked to the ground
But I am an element
Nothing can break me down"

(assemblage 23 )




 

[lanah]

"Forgive me my mistakes
I'm only human
I bleed just like you
From time to time
So why can't I convince you
I'll be fine?

Read more: Assemblage 23 - Human Lyrics | MetroLyrics "



 

[Shep]

I'm copying this from the spiral page:

 

"Defusing the situation is very important especially in "confrontations".  This is a matter of self-preservation because Anger Spirals have a bad habit of escalating to violence, and that has a lot of ramifications.  The person who is angry is often deemed the "bad guy".  The one who hits first is always in the wrong, and the like.  Because we're in an Anger Spiral that has put us in the center of things, according to society, we have to "control our selves".  So, finding ourselves in a bad situation causing and caused by our Anger Spiral we must take control and make things right.  

 

Trying to talk our way out of it won't work, The Spiral is in control of things, making it so we can't think clearly.  The best option, if at all possible, is to just walk away.  It is much better to be seen as rude than violent.  Turn, walk away, relax, regroup and if necessary re-approach the subject from a different angle (work related things you just can't get out of) otherwise drop it and move on.

 

No matter how justified you feel with the course of action you want to take, it’s the Anger Spiral taking control and you can’t let it.  Becoming angry or overly emotional is a luxury that none of us can afford.  Even if they’re right, the person who is angry or overly emotional will be perceived as wrong, out of control and will carry the blame for the situation."

 

 

Hi, Lanah.

 

I'm glad you're also getting good use out of the spiral page. It's a great resource.

 

I found that if I could list my "triggers", write out the details of the "escalation", and then come up with ways of not getting to the "explosion", it really helped.

 

Have you been able to pinpoint these kinds of things? You don't need to post it here if you don't wish to, but it might be something to write out in a journal and explore. 

 

There's a great section on journaling: 

 

Journaling / Journalling / Writing Therapy / Therapeutic Writing

 

I'm glad you're finding music that "speaks" to you. 

 

Sending healing vibes your way. 

[lanah]

I can't sleep :'( toddler woke me up after one hour and i feel suicidal because of the extreme insomnia. It has been this bad for so long only had maybe two nights a while back. And my body gets more and more
pain of not sleeping. 
Also i'm freakin crazy and i want to end it all. 
How do i get back to sleep :'(

[Shep]

Hi, Lanah.

 

I get periodically woken up by neighbor-noise, fairly common side effect of living in an apartment, so I can relate to that.

 

But please don't use language like "I want to end it all" as it's triggering to members. Also, you're reinforcing this dark thought-stream and making it a reoccurring theme in your own recovery. 

 

Part of the "acceptance" phase of this is to acknowledge that life interrupts, sometimes in the form of a baby crying, sometimes in the form of a withdrawal symptom. But it's temporary. To think otherwise is to catastrophize. And that means it's time to "change the channel", to find a distraction, to learn to self soothe. We can't do that for you, although we've given you the map so you can take it with you on this journey to help you find better directions besides getting lost in suicidal thinking. 

 

Please read over the non-drug coping skills section. Find something soothing on nights like this. If you're still active on Benzo Buddies, perhaps chat with friends. 

 

When is your next Seroquel reduction? 

[lanah]

Not very soon. I'm doing a long hold until i sleep. 
I feel like it's mostly the insomnia right now, have only minor jerking and other stuff is minor. (well besides my real health issues, injuries,...)
Someone pointed me to ACT and that has been helping me a bit these past few days. I feel very very tired though right now. So not much online. 
After the long hold i will microtaper. But i need to get into some sort of sleeping habbit first otherwise i will probably pattern this non sleeping too much. 

[lanah]

Much more that CBT by the way. If anyone is reading this. I feel like that ACT is much more compatible with my needs. 

[Shep]

Hi, Lanah.

 

I'm glad the ACT is helping. And a long hold sounds good, giving yourself time to stabilize. 

[Peachy]

On 12/25/2016 at 1:10 PM, Martina23 said:

Hi Lanah, many of the people went through stages like you feel now. Sometimes this rage and terrible thoughts can also come as side effect of drug which in lower amounts can have even more profound side effects. When I was tapering Lyrica, the worst side effects were in these lowest doses but when I jumped off a lot of my discomfort disappeared. So sure it can be withdrawal but it really can be also that the drug before you kick it totally makes you even more rage and more terrible thoughts. Therefore please try to distract and dont make yourself guilty. You will manage it, you are only in the toughest spot now.When you cant exercise, you can start painting or writing a novel about your withdrawal , this could give you again sense of yourself and selfesteem and you will feel better.

I know this is an older post, but this is exactly what I’m experiencing. The rage/aggression/thoughts are more pronounced the lower I go. Do you think it’s possible it will get better when I go off? I’ve been having out at this dose a longtime BC I’m afraid if it getting worse. 

Xx

[Gridley]

1 hour ago, Peachy said:

’ve been having out at this dose a longtime BC I’m afraid if it getting worse. 

 

Since what date have you been holding at 4.6mg?  Please change your drug signature to show this.

 

Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature.

 

At what rate are you tapering?