☼ dan998: Cold turkey, reinstatement and tapering citalopram

[Dan998]

I have some perspective on this now. So much has happened to me since I last posted here that It all feels like an echo in time. Something that happened to someone else. Was it really real? I read the words that I wrote all those years ago and I sorta remember the sheer terror of it all.

 

I somehow survived something so dark, so frightening, so monstrous that there will forever be an indelible mark on my soul. Thinking back on it, quite literally, makes the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. Unimaginable to all but those who have experienced this particular horror story themselves. But, I got through it. I weathered the storm, the darkness lifted and I made it safely ashore. And, with perseverance, patience and determination, you will too.

 

You may not have the time to read thorough my back story. There is rather a lot of it. Probably too much of it if I'm honest. So, I'll summarise the main points to save you a bit of time.

 

I once existed in a constant state of anxiety. All day, everyday, my heart would be trying to burst forth from my chest. Every thought, every emotion, replaced with abject fear. What a truly awful state of existence...  Thankfully, not much worries me now. Whatever life throws in my direction, and it has thrown rather a lot at me in the last couple of years,  I ask, "Is this worse than withdrawal?" The answer is always no, not even close. Even the global shitstorm caused by Covid is a minor inconvenience in comparison. The truth is, nothing can ever be as bad as withdrawal. I just shrug my shoulders, dust myself off and get on with it. Meh.

 

My friends and family treated me appallingly during withdrawal. It was too much for them. They abandoned me. They moved on. I moved on. A shame really, but too many harsh words were said for there ever to be any kind of reconciliation. Withdrawal has far reaching consequences for everyone it touches.

 

New friends and colleagues never witnessed me in withdrawal. They think I'm chilled out, relaxed and unflappable. I want to keep it like that. I don't talk about withdrawal. I even have some friends who take meds. People don't always want to hear the truth. I think it's better to just keep quiet rather than risk destroying a good friendship. Sometimes, there isn't an answer. Let it be.

 

Sleep, or rather the lack of it, was always a huge issue for me in WD. I genuinely feared going to bed. If I was really lucky I'd get a few hours of nightmares that would inevitably result in waking into a cortisol infused state of panic as soon as the first glimmers of daylight peeped through my inadequate blackout curtains... I sleep like a baby now. The light doesn't bother me too much. The birds can tweet, squawk and call. The wind can howl. The neighbours dog can bark until its throat is sore. I'm blissfully unaware of it all.

 

Cog fog was another really bothersome issue during WD. At one point I completely lost the ability to read or write and my speech became monosyllabic. There was no logical structure to my thought processes and pretty much nothing made any sense. I can recollect looking at flowers in my garden and having absolutely no idea what they were or why they were there... I seems bizarre when I think back on it all, especially as I now run a successful business that requires me to consistently use language, memory and logic.

 

The tinnitus never went away. I think it probably never had anything to do with WD and was just coincidental. Maybe, years of working with power tools, riding motorcycles and going to concerts were the real culprits. Whatever caused the tinnitus is irrelevant. I've come to terms with it and it doesn't really bother me anymore.

 

What's next? Trying to make up for the time lost to those wretched pills. Picking up where I left off. Casting aside the burdensome shroud of apathy. Rebuilding my life,.. My head buzzes with ideas where once it buzzed with zaps. I work so hard nowadays. 18 hour days are not uncommon. It's not about the money. I've been homeless and penniless and genuinely couldn't give a toss about money. I just enjoy the challenge of working and feel great when I'm totally focused and in 'the zone' and also the tremendous sense of purpose I get from it all. 

 

I've rediscovered the joy of music. I can't get enough of it. I've even picked up the guitar and made a few raucous noises once or twice... and beer, I enjoy drinking that too. Yes, I'm fully aware that beer is bad for you. I couldn't touch the stuff during WD and now I can. This makes me happy. 😜

 

I also quit television. It wasn't an active decision. I just got bored and stopped watching it. Funny really, as my entire life revolved around the TV schedules when I was on the meds. A square-eyed zombie no more.

 

Not forgetting walking. I did a ridiculous amount of walking during WD. Possibly akathisia. Whatever it was, walking was one of the few things that could keep me from mentally spinning out of control. Anyway, it's something that I've kept up and will continue to do so for the rest of my life... or at least until my arthritic knee finally gives up on me. I find walking dramatically improves my mood. Give it a try if you're struggling

 

Anyways, before I disappear over the horizon again I'd like to offer a few words of wisdom. Learn from the wealth of experience on this site. Learn from our mistakes.

• Cold turkey will make you very sick.
• Reinstate before it's too late.
• Please, please, please, don't rush your taper.
• Don't race to the finish line. That last 1mg can bite back.
• Getting to zero isn't the end of it.

 

You will be healed, healthy and whole again. What's past is prologue.

Bye for now.

 

Hmmm. This looks suspiciously like a success story 🤔

 

 

 

[brassmonkey]

Yes it does. Congratulations on making it to the other side and starting to put it all behind you, and thank you for coming back to tell us about it. I am so excited that things are going so well.

[crashcourse]

Fantastic Dan. That was such a great post. 

 

Hope business keeps you busy. I am currently in WD (don't have any serious side effects) and was wondering if I should start a business or is it too soon. Any advice?

 

Best wishes.

[Flowers]

Great to read your update Dan.  I am so pleased that you are getting your life back together again.

 

Many congratulations on coming through WD.  A  big encouragement for those who are suffering and feel it will never end.

 

Flowers xxx

[direstraits]

Bravo to you!

very inspiring...I read your thread often through the years and am so happy for you.

wishing you all the best.😊

[Dan998]

Thanks Everyone,

 

I find it upsetting to come back and discover old friends still struggling with this. 😥

 

Its also such a pity to think that there will inevitably be many more people passing this way as a result of being prescribed ADs during the lockdown. The work that the moderators and contributors do will be invaluable during the coming months and years.

 

I will try to pop in with a few words of encouragement and help out as often as I can. 

[Dan998]

On 9/29/2020 at 12:01 PM, crashcourse said:

Fantastic Dan. That was such a great post. 

 

Hope business keeps you busy. I am currently in WD (don't have any serious side effects) and was wondering if I should start a business or is it too soon. Any advice?

 

Best wishes.

 

Anyone starting a business at the moment is going to find it challenging. You also need to remember that WD can be very unpredictable. You might be fine now, but a wave could mean you're unable to give it the necessary attention it deserves.

 

I suppose it comes down to risk and reward. If you intend to invest a lot of money then its definitely a risky proposition. If the investment is minimal, then it's probably worth a shot as having something else to focus on outside of WD can be hugely beneficial.

[crashcourse]

On 10/7/2020 at 12:29 AM, Dan998 said:

I suppose it comes down to risk and reward. If you intend to invest a lot of money then its definitely a risky proposition. If the investment is minimal, then it's probably worth a shot as having something else to focus on outside of WD can be hugely beneficial.

Thank you @Dan998 I'm thinking on the same lines. Just need the courage to move forward.

[Trevor19]

I hear getting to zero isn’t the end of it ‘yes’ my question is can you still struggle from insomnia even as you taper slowly to zero? 

[Phoenixmama]

thanks for coming back and updating us on your success 🌞 @Dan998

[Dan998]

I finally got around to writing my success story.

 

You can find it here - https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/27187-dan998-learning-to-fly/

 

I would be delighted if one of my old mates on the moderating team would do the honours and press the button that closes this chapter.

Edited May 30, 2022 by Dan998
removed whitespace

[ChessieCat]

Hi Dan, that is wonderful news and it is a pleasure to "hit that button" on your behalf.

 

Dan has written his success story and as is SA's tradition this Introduction topic will be locked.

 

Please read his success story here:

 

Success Story link:

 

dan998-learning-to-fly