☼ dan998: Cold turkey, reinstatement and tapering citalopram

[Dan998]

Tingly head, not zaps, feels more like static electricity, which then turns into tinnitus for a few minutes. Had this for about an hour. Not painful, just feels odd. Hope it goes away soon. 

[Dan998]

I spoke too soon, I thought the insomnia was in retreat, but had a rotten sleep and was woken with a splitting headache. At least that tinnitus has gone away.

 

My symptoms seem to be bouncing around on a daily basis. I think it's all part of the stabilisation process, withdrawal being replaced by side effects. These drugs really are nasty, can't wait to start tapering and get off them for good.

 

Forgot to mention that I got the results of blood tests, x-ray, spirometry, ECG, etc. Turns out that there is nothing physically wrong with me and all my breathing problems are caused by withdrawal. Phew.

[ang]

Welcome Dan..............     I tried reinstating, but nothing worked, so I am in for the long haul.

 

 

The memories of my previous life (before ADs)  is the hardest to cope with, but they come and go,so must be improving slowly.  Always ruminating!  aggghhh!

 

Best wishes!  From Australia.

[Dan998]

I think it's a form of grief. We mourn the loss a person we used to know, we fear that we will never see them again. It's seems to be very common with a lot of people suffering withdrawal. 

 

I try to remain hopeful that the real me will return one day, stronger than before, because I will have endured this torture. I know I'm in there somewhere. Lost in a maze of medication.

[Dan998]

I'm quite excited about something that happened to me this morning. I won't go into the crude details, but I'm sure that you will be able to guess what I'm on about  . It's been many years since I've had this and I was starting to think that the 'old fella' had become permanently disabled. No idea as to why he decided to start working again, possibly is a sign that I am properly stabilising on 10mg? 

[Dan998]

Feeling lethargic today after having a burst of energy yesterday. I forced myself to wander along behind the lawnmower for a few hours. Definitely felt the benefit for a few hours afterwards, felt more positive and connected. I think I will have to make more of an effort with the garden. I'm going to take it easy today though, my knee is a bit sore. 

[westcoast]

Demotivation continues to be an issue. Getting seriously bored with doing nothing all day, other than watching tv. I have lots of ideas about things I want to do, but just cant manage to take that first step. 

 

Hi Dan, I have this too. It's hard because it feels like a moral failing. I used to be clever with my hands and now I'd be happy if I never had to touch, move, fix, or clean another object. I'd like to a helium-filled balloon.

 

But my terror/dread is gone and I hope yours goes soon.

 

I saw your good news. That's a big deal--congratulations.

 

WC

[Dan998]

Yes, I feel guilty for being such a lazy sod, even though I know it's the drugs. I used to be such an active person and I still managed to keep the house clean and tidy. Washing the dishes is a major achievement nowadays.

[Dan998]

I'm watching the triathlon on telly and it makes me feel really pathetic. I used to be able to do stuff like that. I dragged the vacuum cleaner around the house earlier and had to lie down for an hour. I'm only 40 and I feel like a pensioner.

[Flowers]

Hi Dan

 

Your days are so like mine were a few months ago. You are doing really well.  At least you were able to hoover the house even if you had to rest afterwards!

 

I used to give myself one task to do a day usually around the house as I wasn't well enough to go out. I got so much satisfaction out of doing something that showed I was recovering. It felt almost like having physiotherapy for a physical injury - working hard and breaking through the pain.  Like you I would be exhausted afterwards. Rest is important too.
 

 

Now a few months later I am able to do so much more and am more interested in life in general. I am feeling like my old self again and you will too. You are 22 years younger than me so that is in your favour! I am getting closer to the point where I will feel comfortable to start the long journey of tapering off the dreaded Citalopram.

 

I don't like to say too much about how well I am feeling when there is so much suffering on this site. I have only posted this  in the hope that it gives you some encouragement. keep going Dan - you are doing fine.

 

Best Wishes to you.

 

Flowers xxx

[Dan998]

Thank you Flowers,

 

Your words of encouragement are always welcome. I'm really pleased to hear that things are improving for you too. I think it is important to post both the good and the bad of our experiences as it may be of some use in the future and enable us to chart the ups and downs of this awful journey.

 

I too am housebound most days. Going out takes a lot of effort and mental preparation. I get embarrassed by my inability to think properly when I'm trying to interact with people. I never used to be like this before the cit.  

 

The world has passed me by over the last ten years. I've missed out on so much personal development. I don't have a career, a partner or any friends. It feels like I'll have to rebuild my life from scratch, one brick at a time.

 

I know I've done well to get down to 10mg and start to stabilise. I reckon I'll have to hold for another month or two before I can begin my taper. Patience was never one of my virtues. I just want to get this all behind me.

 

 

 

 

[Flowers]

Hi Dan

 

I am not patient either but have had to learn to be! Not easy but that's what the one's that know more than me on here kept on saying - patience and acceptance!! That has been my guide through all this crap though and it really is true.

 

When I was at the stage you are now i couldn't even string a sentence together. Close friends would come to visit meaning well and I would dread every minute of it. My mind would go blank and I couldn't put words together. But now I can meet up with them and join in again and enjoy their company. Of course I have bad days - I had a couple of little blips over the weekend but on the whole it is OK and manageable.

One of the things I love about this site is  even though you don't feel like speaking to people face to face, you can always come here and find someone  to talk to. Your posts come across very well and in time you will get your confidence back to enable you to chat to anyone, anywhere. You probably won't even notice you are doing it!

 

Lots of us have not been able to hold down jobs or socialise under the influence of these drugs. A new you is waiting to emerge as they get out of your system! Yay!

[Dan998]

Flowers, You're so right about lack of confidence. I isolated myself from the world and hardly talked to anyone for many years. When I came off the meds  I suddenly felt very lonely, but had lost the skills to communicate with people. I'm getting better at it, but still cannot deal with confrontation and am unable to assert myself when I disagree with someone.

 

This site has been a godsend, everyone is so supportive and understanding. I'm even starting to make a few friends here.

[Dan998]

I just realised that I've had a few hours without the headache. it's been a constant companion for the last few months. I'm sure it will be back soon. I'll enjoy the respite while it lasts. A sign of things to come?

[Flowers]

No headache? That's fab news. Hope you have enjoyed your evening pain free! What did you do to make the most of it?

 

I think we withdraw from life to protect ourselves as we are probably more sensitive than most. If you get the chance read my post on my thread about what happened to me on my Friday night out. It was the first night out I had in a long time and I was faced with a b**** from hell!I struggled with the confrontation but managed not to commit murder!

 

So glad you are liking the site and meeting people - it has saved my life I am sure. It's good to have you here.

[Dan998]

The headache stayed away for the whole evening and I got a decent night's sleep as well. It's back again this morning but feels less intense, more like a numb/ fuzzy pain.

 

The weather has been overcast and gloomy the last couple of days, so maybe it has something to do with light sensitivity? Might be worth wearing sunglasses throughout the day again. It could also be sinus related and the steroid nasal spray is starting to work? Hard to tell. 

 

I didn't think to do anything special. That is an excellent idea though, to treat myself every time the withdrawal symptoms abate, perhaps buy myself something nice as a reminder.

 

Do individual symptoms go in a windows and waves pattern? Or is it an all or nothing sort of thing?

[Dan998]

The apathy has returned. I have so many tasks around the home and garden that need my attention. I just can't find the motivation to get any of them started. 

 

I say to myself, "I'll wake up tomorrow feeling energetic. Things will be different tomorrow, I'll do it tomorrow." Always tomorrow, never today. Nothing changes. The tasks keep mounting up.

 

The situation is intolerable. My life is falling apart and I am powerless to do anything about it. All I can do is obsess about the things I haven't done. The cycle goes round and round in my head. I get seriously anxious because I've wasted yet another day.   

[LoveandLight]

Ha! Treat yourself everytime you have a window...that's nice encouragement..although I'm envisioning buying myself a Junkshop find and lining them all up to represent windows.

[Dan998]

You could put your window trinkets on the window sill.

[LoveandLight]

I will emerge from this WD with a hoarding problem..

[Flowers]

Yep, I know how you feel Dan. Some days nothing gets done around here either. But they are not important in the scheme of things and will get done eventually. I used to be a perfectionist and very houseproud but have had to let that go - I just have to accept I can't do some things as well as I used to.  I do find though that if I get on with things as early in the day as I can like after breakfast it helps me feel better in myself. If I don't do this as the day goes on I feel more and more lethargic.

 

If things are getting on top of you maybe you could write down a list of  the things that need doing. Then if you are up to it you could maybe do something on the list and cross it off. Doesn't matter how small it is, it will still be an achievement. Very satisfying. Don't overdo it though!

 

I still haven't been able to say whether I have had the pattern of  windows and waves - just changes in symptoms on a daily basis really. But everyone is different.

 

I don't think your life is falling apart - you are doing very well trying your best to  put it back together.

 

And you will - you can do this.

 

xxx

[Dan998]

Flowers, You're right about my life not falling apart. it has been damaged by long term SSRI use, but now I am taking action to put it back together again. I was just having a bad day and feeling sorry for myself. 

 

Getting things done as early in the day as possible is a good idea, I'm definitely going to give that a go. I have a tendency to let my time drift by, then I convince myself that it's too late to start anything. So doing a few basic tasks in the morning should help me get going and might give me the confidence to tackle some of the larger ones. 

[Dan998]

I will emerge from this WD with a hoarding problem..

Haha, that made me laugh. When this wdl is over we will laugh all the time 

[Flowers]

I think we are allowed to feel sorry for ourselves going through this nightmare!! At least we all understand each other and how horrible it is. Just keep posting how you feel - it does help.

 

Somebody told me it was good  to still try to have some structure to the day no matter how bad I was feeling. Easier said than done but some days I did manage it! Just getting a few things done early in the day gave me a real buzz that I wasn't a total waste of space and then I gave myself permission to rest on the sofa or whatever the rest of the day without feeling guilty.

 

Now I am a bit better I find going out for a gentle walk for an hour or so helps get me motivated too. I don't know why it works but it makes me more clearheaded. I am lucky that the weather here lends itself to outdoor activities more.

 

I liked L&L's comment too! lol!

 

Hope you have a good day today. 

[Dan998]

Ticked a few tasks off the list. Got a few chores done. I had to be very careful to concentrate on only doing one thing at a time. I have a habit of getting distracted and I'll find myself wanting to do everything all at once. It wasn't easy, but then nothing is easy since the CT crash. Even writing this isn't easy. I keep getting my words all muddled up. My mind races ahead and I lose the thread of what I'm trying to say. Please bear with me, I'm not an idiot, although I feel like one at the moment. 

[Dan998]

Cog fog and buzzing sensation at the back of my head. I probably pushed myself too hard today. Still, getting a few jobs done has certainly lifted some of the weight off my shoulders. Going to try and relax for the rest of the evening. 

[Flowers]

So sorry you are having these symptoms. Mind racing is horrible so I think you have done remarkably well to do anything today.

 

Hope you have had a relaxing evening.

[Dan998]

The mind racing has always been real issue for me. Constantly thinking about stuff makes relaxing really hard to do. 

 

When I'm alone than the thoughts seem to magnify. They can be genuinely frightening, sometimes they can even provoke a full blown panic attack. This is a problem as I have to spend a lot of time on my own. 

 

I used to self-medicate with alcohol and cannabis, but I gave up the weed, it made me extremely paranoid and I thought it made me demotivated. In fact, it turns out that the demotivation was really caused by the ADs. I haven't been able to tolerate alcohol since my CNS became destabilised by CT. I really miss the alcohol. I would love to be able to enjoy a few beers at the pub again.

 

I try to distract my mind as much as possible. I cannot bear silence. The TV or radio have to be on all the time. But the thoughts will still creep through. 

[Dan998]

I could feel the agoraphobia creeping back in again. I haven't left the house all week. I had to make myself to go out, because I know that the longer agoraphobia is left the harder it is to break.

 

The weather was nice and sunny today (the start of summer?) I decided to go on the motorbike. It was a spur of the moment decision. My thinking was that this was something that I used to really enjoy doing, maybe I could enjoy it again? Yes I was anxious, but then motorbikes are dangerous and I hadn't been on one for a while, so being nervous would be quite appropriate in this situation. What is strange is that I was able to tell the difference between genuine and wdl anxiety.

 

Anyway, I swallowed my fear and got going. I found that concentrating on riding the bike enabled me to empty my mind and the anxiety quickly disappeared But, more importantly, I actually had a tiny taste of enjoyment, a minute drop of dopamine. It only lasted a few precious seconds and then it was gone. 

 

Now, I'm rethinking my recovery strategy. Taking things easy just allows me to wallow in self pity. I think what I really need to be doing is forcing myself to keep busy. To confront the things that cause me anxiety as soon as possible no matter how shite I'm feeling. "Think it. Do it" will be my motto for the battle ahead.

[Dan998]

Yesterday's cog fog has been replaced by some mental clarity. What a difference a day makes. Still got the headache though, it is presently residing at the top of my head. Does anyone else get wandering headaches, or is it just peculiar to myself?

[freespirit]

Hi Dan,

 

 

I could feel the agoraphobia creeping back in again. I haven't left the house all week. I had to make myself to go out, because I know that the longer agoraphobia is left the harder it is to break.

 

The weather was nice and sunny today (the start of summer?) I decided to go on the motorbike. It was a spur of the moment decision. My thinking was that this was something that I used to really enjoy doing, maybe I could enjoy it again? Yes I was anxious, but then motorbikes are dangerous and I hadn't been on one for a while, so being nervous would be quite appropriate in this situation. What is strange is that I was able to tell the difference between genuine and wdl anxiety.

 

Anyway, I swallowed my fear and got going. I found that concentrating on riding the bike enabled me to empty my mind and the anxiety quickly disappeared But, more importantly, I actually had a tiny taste of enjoyment, a minute drop of dopamine. It only lasted a few precious seconds and then it was gone. 

 

Now, I'm rethinking my recovery strategy. Taking things easy just allows me to wallow in self pity. I think what I really need to be doing is forcing myself to keep busy. To confront the things that cause me anxiety as soon as possible no matter how shite I'm feeling. "Think it. Do it" will be my motto for the battle ahead.

 

Hi Dan,

 

I think this is great that you stretched yourself a little and found something to help empty your mind. Experiences like this can often be very informative, and also, can bring a greater degree of hope. Wonderful too, that you could distinguish between types of anxiety...

 

I know you said recently that you find it hard to relax. I think some of us relax by doing. I find just sitting a lot often leads to a lot of unhealthy ruminating in my case. One of the biggest things I've learned through wd that the best thing I can do is to get up out of my chair and do something, anything.

 

For awhile, I was playing video games in the morning after breakfast. It sounds odd and felt a bit strange. But it got my energy up and usually improved my mood (unless I lost miserably..lol). That seemed to help get me going onto other projects, instead of just sitting around all day. Even if doing something doesn't improve my state of mind, at least I can look back on the day and say I've done something..in spite of whatever weather system of mind/emotions has rolled through..and I've found it's helped build confidence in both action and not being a victim to my mind.

 

Sometimes, sitting relaxation practices can make people more anxious...but things like yoga or tai chi can be beneficial because you're moving mindfully and this can help relax the mind.

 

And on the headaches...yes, I suffered a lot with them through tapering and more so after jumping off. Don't get them very often anymore though.

[Dan998]

Freespirit, thanks for the hints and tips. I think you may be right about some people can only relax by doing something. You are the first person to mention this. Most of the advice I've been given is to rest and take things easy during wdl. This hasn't really worked for me. I just get frustrated with myself for not achieving anything and wasting another day. 

 

Haven't considered video games before, always seen them as a waste of time, but willing to give them a go. I'll let you know how I get on.

[freespirit]

Hi Dan,

 

Hope it proves helpful to you too...in some moments of extreme anger, I did a lot of Wii boxing. Knocking down a slew of cartoon characters relieved the anger and I ended up laughing. Let me know how it goes for sure.

 

I think the trick is doing something, but not too much. It's often a very fine line. You don't want to aggravate your nervous system and make things worse either. When I was really ill, I wasn't able to do much of anything and had to accept it. But being that sick, I had few expectations of myself. If I'm physically okay, it's not good for my mental state to only rest and take it easy. I take many breaks while I'm doing tasks and try to pay close attention to my body and stop completely before I overdo it.

 

I used to be able to sit and do mindfulness meditation..had done for decades...but in the past few years, I simply can't tolerate sitting still and watching my breath. Even the sitting meditations I do now are more mentally active. Everything has its place, depending on timing I think. And we are all different in what we need and what suits our temperament.

[Dan998]

"Think it. Do it." Hasn't worked for me today. I've thought about all sorts of things that need doing. Trouble is, they all seem mega important and mega urgent, even though I know that most of them aren't. So instead of looking around, seeing what needs doing and getting on with it, I've overwhelmed myself with the enormity of the task and set off a bout of anxiety. Ah well, at least I got the important stuff done early; washing, shaving, housework, exercise, etc. So mustn't beat myself up too much. 

[Dan998]

It has been exactly a month since I updosed. I thought I'd have a look back through my posts to see how I've progressed. My symptoms have been a bit up and down, but there does seem to be some progress towards stabilisation. I'm often tempted to updose some more, but  have resisted the temptation so far.

 

What I have also noticed is that my writing skills are really poor. My sentences are fragmented, I repeat myself a lot, I moan and whinge, I repeat the same things over and over again, I'm a boring sod, my writing style is clunky and I repeat myself a lot. I suppose  that practice makes perfect, so I'm gonna just have to plough on until I get better. Perhaps reading more books will help. I feel like a child learning how to read and write sometimes. I wish I could express my thoughts better. Stupid drugs.

[Martina23]

This shaving is from this all the most important :-)