☼ manymoretodays: off many years of many medications

[manymoretodays]

Today..........fillings done and over.  Interesting though........I toyed with the idea of no numbing at all........but, well one of these cavities was a bit deeper he said and so I went with it.

 

So.......I am still a bit wiggy........several hours later.  I feel like I got some kind of electrical treatment as well as drug treatment and then totally forgot about going to the noon AA group.  Forgiveable........understandable..............

 

Dentist friend of course referred to my ex as my husband(present tense)..........ah well........again, forgiveable and understandable.

 

I really learned a lot as well in my freebie on getting a job with the government..........that was good and applicable to any job application I think.  It was a tough class though........I felt sooooooooo very senior.  I have to let that go too a bit.  Age is relative or is it not?

 

I am not going to delay too much in visiting a travel agent around the corner though..........off season beach somewhere anywhere here I come!!!  Or not.  Lol.  I have work to do.

[Altostrata]

MMT, it sounds like you're feeling a lot better!

[manymoretodays]

Thank you Alto.  I am rolling with the punches so very much better.

[manymoretodays]

Oh.........and a real live Shaman showed up.  I kid you not.  I forgot to ask if woman were allowed in the sweat lodge, but I assume so, as I think he wouldn't tell me the usual schedule, and setting if not.  Maybe not a Shaman?  I should have looked it up.

 

Ahhhhhh.

[luv2knit]

Thank you for stopping by my thread, MMT. Read a bit of yours, but will have to read more later. Sounds like you are getting some decent windows!!

[manymoretodays]

Thank you for thanking me and thank you.     Mostly, more recent past.......not all that applicable to the now of things I suppose.  Helpful to me, however.

 

I fell asleep about forty minutes before Dr. Zhivago was over.......on tv, no commericial breaks.  And darn, how does it end??  It was a little.......just a bit.......barely......unnerving.........but, I mean isn't Art supposed to be that way?   There was no produce at the Harvest Festival but the the drive was breathtaking........no pictures taken........but some images now firmly placed in my healing nervous system.  And color!!!  Oh oooh, and color!!!!!  I kept saying....."Top of the world, Ma"..........from an old Jimmy Cagney movie.............my poor associate son, riding passenger and right next to all these huge drop offs.......it that didn't make him "feel like a drink", I don't know what will???!!!!!  The first song I heard.......there was music there......was "Wagon Wheel"........could be construed as another "Mom" song.......in some respects.  And another oldie.  Took me back somewhere for a few.   I still have to go and you tube it and all.

 

Then on to a "gratitude dinner" for volunteerism and such........which I was unduly nervous about........as.........I thought there was going to be some discussion involved, well, maybe there was.  I only confirmed as a maybe, and then for at least just dessert and tea.  So I arrived at the end of it all, the others were beat after just an hour of social....ities.  Brought home balloons and strawberries and some onion soup.  Oh, a lovely gift too that I will treasure.  Maybe a bit more of that all important "networking" but that wasn't really my aim........I saw and visited with some lovely older and newer friends and even a brand new treasure of a person.

 

Soooo......all is well enough.  Definitely bill time and balancing on the finances........here we go......yoohoo......    Starting October on a deficit, not frivolous spending this past month, no........not at all.  My boots are still there at the resort.......just the most beautiful seasonal......winter, early spring, and fall boots ever........and of course I did not buy them.  I don't know how much of a discount one gets if employed there, at the resort, but if and when.........well they will be my first purchase.  I mean I can make a pair of boots/shoes last for almost a million years..........  And then there is always the online option.........still not quite the same and in my experience sometimes the products, when they arrive..........are not even what they looked like........and then the major hassle of repackaging and returning and hopes dashed and all that.

[manymoretodays]

Oh hey.......just was thinking about the sweat lodge and shaman thing.........it well could be way too much for this fragile trellis.  It is just so interesting lately the things and people that seem to be around a lot.  It's nice.

[freespirit]

Oh hey.......just was thinking about the sweat lodge and shaman thing.........it well could be way too much for this fragile trellis.  It is just so interesting lately the things and people that seem to be around a lot.  It's nice.

 

Hi MMT,

 

Just wanted to stop by on your thread and say hi. Appreciate you sharing your thoughts on moving.

 

I imagine the sweat lodge could be intense--both physically and emotionally. I know in some situations, they ask you not to leave and go outside. For me, that would be an important consideration.

 

Still, I imagine it is nice having new opportunities for this and that popping up. It sounds like you're able to do a lot more social things than I can manage at the moment. Good for you.

[AliG]

 MMT,

 

Just saying hi !    There's always so much  happening., with you now.   The funny thing is when I first started  dropping  by, you weren't getting out much. Now

you're a veritable " social butterfly"  both here &  at home. ( In Paradise ) !!

 

I love color , as well, so I understand the obsession.  More than that, is , I think , " the return to color", after " feeling dead" & colorless, for so long.   It's a " visual feast".  I don't know if that's how you feel,  M ,  but I certainly do !   I'm noticing flowers , sunsets, rainbows  etc.   and the urge to paint again !   I think this is a good sign for both of us .

 

I think you are coming along in " leaps & bounds", and look forward to the next " instalment".  LOL. 

 

Love & hugs.    Ali.

[manymoretodays]

I met a guy......a kid really, last night at a cookout/BBQ with the "spiritual crowd"..........well I re met him as he had been out of state for awhile and our paths had crossed before.  Somehow.......in conversation.....we got around to this withdrawal stuff..........and then another friend even joined in the conversation with some stuff of her own, and in her own family.  Anyway.......he totally got it.  One real, physical person........nearby.........who gets it..........maybe two..........and even(he) was all warning and protective as in......."don't let them blah, blah, blah"........meaning the doctors and such.......... 

 

I am almost a year into it......knowing what I am into........and this was just the frosting on the cake!!

 

On other fronts........I did go to this planning meeting.......regarding behavioral health services, funding, etc.............   I think I did okay, stayed calm and collected anyway.  Shared a bit of passion and humor.  However, I do have to wait a few more mtgs.........maybe only one more and do some paperwork, etc. before getting paid to be on this board.  I think I have to get formally approved too.  Ooooh, that makes me a bit nervous........but "sa la vie"........what will be will be..........

 

Associate is on the job hunt!

 

I shall be trying my best in a few weeks on the same effort.......job hunt.......interview practice..........find a way to bring in some extra income.  Meanwhile......find all my assorted papers and history and get hopping on a winning resume.

 

Who saw the lunar eclipse???  Woah nellie........that was grand............I mean it happens every year but I don't think I have viewed it quite like I did this year, before.

 

And.......oh, I know........AliG.........I still do very much need to be sure that I can, if needed...........pull on out of the leaping and bounding a bit, without guilt or shame or letting anybody down. 

 

Freespirit, I am not sure or confident that I am the final edition of me yet or not.........probably not........but it's a nice period for me, right now.  Sometimes I am not so social.......not antisocial.......but just do better without, for chunks of time.  A lot of static out there that can be difficult if not careful.  And oh yes........the home.......the Realtor guy comes later........kind of a no charge, may get my business later type thing and darn, if the local handyman landscape helper doesn't call today I think I will scream!!!   I can't do it all myself.............nor do I want to.

 

I think today will be a kind of organizing ahead type of day...........some great advice I have gotten here.  Great Gatsby was my.........happened to be on tv..........before sleep movie last night.  Interesting........I saw the real old one way back but never this one with Leonardo DiCaprio and the other actors.  It was just okay........I'll give it a 6 or 7.........maybe it was just me or watching it on the little screen.

[brassmonkey]

Hi MMT-- such a lot going on, I hope it all goes smoothly.  I prefer the Robert Redford version of Gatsby, more of a classical feel, the DiCaprio version too modern/slick for me.  The eclipse was amazing, I've seen a bunch of them and am always in aww.  We had some light clouds and afterwards there was an amazing double rainbow around the moon, just fantastic.

[manymoretodays]

Good that you saw it.  Last nights moon was pretty good too.

 

Just did a bit of Mag. Citrate and lot's of cold water.  Bills, finances.........and then dropbox snafu........and just want to do more than I can before this realtor guy shows up.

 

I really think I should start the process of canceling Comcast.......and I do understand it's a process......$90.00 extra a month would be great right about now.

 

And anybody?  Good free storage for pics and documents somewhere in the clouds? 

 

I think I have most of manana and all day Thurs. to be free again........some comfort in that right now.  Perhaps another trip overnight in the tent.

 

[manymoretodays]

Just a brief note.  I have done approximately 90mg. of the Trileptal/Oxcarbazepine for one week now(one half of the tablet + 1/4 of a tablet with the end scored off) sooooooo........ for tonights dose I have crushed a tablet(150mg.) and made my own liquid with water........20ml.(cc.) worth and am taking 12 ml.'s for a total of 90mg.  It crushed beautifully with a mortar and pestle.......then transferred to a smallish bottle with lid and when shaken becomes a milky liquid.  I used a fairly wide mouthed 5 ounce baby bottle with lid and it appeared that very little was left behind in my mortar pestle.

 

I will keep this practice up for another week at least, mixing nightly.........and possibly longer.......... before any further reductions.

 

It is difficult not to feel pretty enthusiastic about this right now.  Also am fairly tired too......... as my sleep has been interrupted a bit, but I am pretty sure I am getting the good 5 hours solid stretch, and some days take magnificent naps........not today however.

 

Busy doing busy volunteer work stuff today and other.  My job for the conference is "hospitality" and I am happy about that.   And a 3 or 4 hour visit with my AA buddy.   And finally located the Yoga teacher training place........but not while anyone was there.  I can do most inquiries via the net though.  Got one of my references up to date by happenstance........leaving a flyer at a place for upcoming conference and there she was......  Even for this part time gig(paid work) I am going for..........I am going to do it right.  I really learned a lot about modern day......lol......job hunts from the feds.........

 

No time for "tour de SA" training and it was hotter than hades for awhile today.  The temperature inside my car was reading 99 and I know it wasn't that hot.  So much for dressing for fall..........my clothes were all sticking to me even with the A/C going off and on while driving.  Who needs sauna's or sweat lodges? 

 

And okay......this wasn't a brief note........I see that.

[manymoretodays]

I am not sure that I will have to go to the pool today to swim.............my car thermometer today went from a high of 68 degrees to 45 degrees!  Ultra rainstorm on my way back from the city.........and snow.........and huge puddles............I think I floated briefly in the car.

 

So.......now I will get some work done.     Mostly organizing and really looking forward to my first clearance project and then space, space, space.........to create, or decide what to create, to play my guitar, to even just finish one rooms clearance project and go from there.

 

Got to catch on up on some paper pushing type stuff.  Make some calls.  That sort of thing.

 

Yup, Paradise some days........lest I forget........the birds sound like they are having fun too!

[manymoretodays]

Well......a little crabby/crappy but not the full day stuff anyway.  Tis maybe more to do with the weather??

 

I am finding myself wanting to go more quickly on the reductions with the oxcarbazepine.  Holding at 90mg. now and into the second week of that.

 

Comments/experiences??  Advice even appreciated.

 

I might turn the heat on today.  Either that or these gas fireplaces I have for awhile.

[Altostrata]

You are doing so well!

 

You might want to try reducing the oxcarbazepine every 2 weeks. I hope this is not too fast for you.

[manymoretodays]

Awesome.  I spose I should stick to the 10% rule too?  I was thinking of a 10 mg. droppage but undecided.  I sure don't like the spelling of oxcarbazepine.  I get it wrong every single time!  Note to others: never take a medication that is not easily spelled!

 

I am a little weird but I can't really put my finger on it.......just what is causing it.........or even what it is that feels weird.

 

Hopefully just full force fall/season change stuff.

[Altostrata]

Yes, I'd stick to 10%.

[manymoretodays]

Can do.  It will require using a couple of syringes, different sizes and gradients.........for accuracy.

[AliG]

 Hi MMT.

 

Good luck with the taper.  It sounds like you're doing well !  

 

Keep up with " Tour de S.A. " training, even though , it sounds hot .

 

Love,     Ali.

[manymoretodays]

   Oh yes......the training.  I am.  I will.  Very likely to be some great days to hop on my bike here and go, go, go............of course in all due moderation.  Yesterday turned out so beautiful, weather and nature.  I saw a double rainbow and the first one was so vivid it was unbelievable.  Got a brief swim in and sauna too.

 

The shortness of the days is a bugger in some ways but it does result in such better sleep for me.

 

Phhhhhewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...........thank you and yes, thank you.........I am healing!!!

[manymoretodays]

Another day in Paradise.

 

 

Monday monday monday..............

[manymoretodays]

I had a good holiday/vacation day yesterday...........I like weddings that are in the fall, I went to one and it was a lot of fun.  Saw some friends from a long time back and as always........some interesting conversations were had.  I especially like the celebratory dancing that occurs once most of the traditions.......pictures, food, toasts, special dances, ceremony, etc. is over.

 

A couple really poignant things........the venue was at a lodge where when not being a venue is just and ordinary place where one can stop on in and get a meal and such.  Well.......it was a lodge where we had stopped(my loved one lost to suicide and I) in the fall prior to his death.  Of course everything was rearranged but it was......well, it was.  And it was okay.......with me.  I also found a beautiful poem that I will put here........in the poetry section.......on grief.  And isn't this W/D stuff and sometimes bits of our lives even.........grief.  And oh.........my own wedding.........so many years ago........was also in the fall.......so some of those memories surfaced as well........in any case, making it hard but maybe not.........maybe just a learning experience.........of reframing and changing some of my experiences to something better.........than they were........and just accepting all the pieces of my whole.

 

Time still seems to be flying.......vs. dragging.........which is okay too I think.........as long as I can stick to my dream plan, still in formation of course........but even those ideas are becoming more of a reality...........

[AliG]

That's good , MMT.  

[manymoretodays]

I still have got so much work.........of the non paid type to do.  And feeling pretty lucky that I have today and tomorrow pretty much open to do it in.  As well as being a weekend warrior of types.........I hope to feel pretty accomplished by Saturday night.

 

Feeling pretty shaky still when it comes to meeting most of my responsibilities, and just continuing to show on up where I say I will, and be how and who I am(see swearing wall.... ).

 

Thankful though.......oh so thankful, as most of this work and responsibility seems to suit me.......so it should not be termed work at all(said in my best Jewish mother voice)??

 

And yes, started training for the "tour de SA".  I am assuming this is a rather lengthy bike trek to who knows where.  I really did go biking........geeze, it's been awhile.  Yes, you do shift gears while still pedaling.........if you do not keep pedaling.........well, the gears don't shift properly.........and it was before the endorphin's hit that I realized this. 

 

Keep going.  Hang on.  Time for me to update again my medication and other history..........briefly.

 

Thank you.

[manymoretodays]

Oddly I think.......at this later date..........almost a year off the Lexapro(escitalopram).........I am again feeling what I only can best describe as this "crepitus" feeling under my skull.  It just comes and then goes.  Little crackles.

 

Qi Gong was spot on helpful this morning as well.  Thank you for the share freespirit.

 

Finances, associate again in court today......... and so much for the weekend warrior umph I was feeling yesterday...........I may TGIF for a bit before I pedal today.

 

Paradise!  This is paradise!  Lest I forget...........  I see blue skies and yellow leaves and I know I have so much to be grateful for..........

[AliG]

 Hi M.M.T.,

 

I just noticed you found the song !! 

 

I'm happy you're enjoying your " paradise" , and practicing  gratitude.  It's so important to be grateful for the  simple things. The little things have a way of adding up to a  " whole " lot  !!    You seem to be finding some joy, again.     I hope that increases even more  for you, as your " healing" continues. I know it will .

 

Hugs,     Ali.

[manymoretodays]

Yes.  Hugs and Love.

 

I had a lot to say awhile back but this day is on now.

 

Just want to ask for what I need right now.  Tons of prayers and positive intentions towards the associate.......he goes for 48 hours starting early Monday.....to jail.  And then there is more.  The jail is really kind of getting to me right now as well as some of the other stuff.......but that's just me.......no worries,  as I am seeing something there, in him, the associate, and hearing it as well.......something powerful right now and strong and resilent.

 

Thankyou.

 

On other fronts......down to the 81mg. of the Trilept/oxcarb...........just one night so far, so good.  Totally considering the "sweat lodge" in a couple weeks.......I got the all important........"well, what do I wear" question answered.........among other things...........

[freespirit]

Glad you've started training for "the tour" MMT! Hope the rides are enjoyable..from my point of view, that's the most important part.

 

Nice you found the qi gong helpful. I find my love of it waxes and wanes at times..like in the summer, I wanted to be riding my bike more than doing qi gong...but once again, am finding it front and center. I think like exercise, the benefits are cumulative

[manymoretodays]

Glad you've started training for "the tour" MMT! Hope the rides are enjoyable..from my point of view, that's the most important part.

 

Nice you found the qi gong helpful. I find my love of it waxes and wanes at times..like in the summer, I wanted to be riding my bike more than doing qi gong...but once again, am finding it front and center. I think like exercise, the benefits are cumulative

 

Yes.  I do agree that the benefits are cumulative.  Do let me know, however, when the tour is getting close.........and I will do my best to train away more efficiently.   I may be back at more of the qi gong if todays wavishness persists but that is okay too.  It worked for me and kept on working for a bit.

 

I think I have really only had this one wavish day........today.........possibly a little yesterday as I know without a doubt that the circular and somewhat crabby irritable started inside last pm.  Quite possible a bit of overdo overall........what with the AA, which oddly is really helping in some way..........like I am doing another experiment on self/non self while living through it.  And definitely not isolating.........I think I have to kind of hold on the new things, other than continuing to pursue the ones that seemed to fit the best.......for now.

 

And the trilept/oxcarb reductions may be catching on up and messing with my reconfiguration of that vine on trellis thing again.........like this is pretty familiar at this point though..........and no.......I didn't expect to be there quite yet anyway.  This here is not so bad.  I like Sundays.

 

And I can and will step back just a bit for just a bit to that all important self care while still keeping up and prioritizing a little more for my insane sanity sake.

 

Does any of this make sense I say?

 

Pffft.......dinner is done........bedtime is looming and thankful for that and another 24 hours.  The associate gives me strength and purpose and has also seemed to reach his..........."this is going to all work out okay point" of the day.

 

Update my little paragraph thing below my posts soon...............

[melanie]

Just wanted to say "hi" to my fellow AA... And Lexapro survivor. Saw your reply on Blu's thread...

 

Hope you are doing well. Read parts of your thread... Felt terribly sorry for that cat of yours, Bob Marley.

 

Have a Kitty myself, she's 4,5 yrs old...

 

And your loved one... Also lost my loved one.

 

Have no experience with amphetamine, but lots of experience with its cousin - pseudoephedrine.

 

And Lexapro of course - currently on 1,25 mg, difficult journey.

 

Not sure if it's worth it...

 

Keep healing.

 

Mel

[manymoretodays]

Thanks for the post Mel.  For me, it's totally worth it.

 

Yes, I could use old Bob Marley's antics today.......I miss that cat.  My other cat Betsey Ross has stopped looking for him......not me......they might have patched him up and adopted him out......hope, hope........and then he will wander on home again.

 

The salts, as I like to call them, were a more minimal part of my withdrawal, I think.  Briefly I think that they helped with the Lexapro W/D stuff.......it was pretty fierce there for awhile.  And the oxy/trileptal has probably helped as well.  I feel okay today......balanced......organized in thought and mind.......I best put some training time in/exercise.  Appropriate tears today really.........life can be difficult at times........so much to grieve for if we put our minds to it.  But also so very much to live joyously for.

 

Thanks again for stopping by.

[AliG]

 Just saying Hi, MMT.  

 

I hope it's all going well.     Your posts , always brighten my day !   I can't say why, exactly.  Maybe , a similar " quirky" sense of humor.   Not sure, but  all good !  

 

I'm happy, that you're going so well.   Enjoy your " paradise",  today . 

 

Love,   Ali. x

[manymoretodays]

Hope so.  I am so needing the funky music........after the lovliness edo and jo.  Lot's of chores.  Waiting for the sun to rise so I can weed whack and let go of the anger.  Endless laundry.  Otherwise feeling pretty caught on up with the priorities.

 

Also have my Dr. appt. today.......then hair......yay!  I always feel like Ann Landers when I am done.......she used to be an advice columnist.........alot of poof for a day or so.  It probably looks good but feels odd to be so sprayed and coifed.  A little anxious.......I want to keep this Dr. on file and continue to have a respectful working relationship.  I suppose I should ask him just what he thought I was praying for last time........as he told me I was praying for the wrong things.  Ugh.  Almost certain that my yearly lab work is coming on up soon too, that won't be today, as it's midday.....the appointment, and I haven't fasted.

And my heart just drops into my gut every time I think of the associate.......only one more day and then home to recover from his "treatment" of sorts.  Always so nice to take on another's potential depression, and I mean that wholeheartedly.........it takes away from ones own a bit.  A lot of support with him......so it seems.........and so thankful...........  My gratitude am dailies.

 

I shall put in a little guitar practice and writing........and all will settle into a very nice day.  G'day mates.......I think I will move to Australia.......lol..........kidding or maybe not.......but that would come so much later and I would have to leave all that I know, very unlikely.

 

Vacation coming too.......looks like a driving one and most certainly not the 3 weeks that I could really use......but vacation is vacation. 

 

Maybe more later..........

[melanie]

Thanks for the post Mel.  For me, it's totally worth it.

 

Yes, I could use old Bob Marley's antics today.......I miss that cat.  My other cat Betsey Ross has stopped looking for him......not me......they might have patched him up and adopted him out......hope, hope........and then he will wander on home again.

 

The salts, as I like to call them, were a more minimal part of my withdrawal, I think.  Briefly I think that they helped with the Lexapro W/D stuff.......it was pretty fierce there for awhile.  And the oxy/trileptal has probably helped as well.  I feel okay today......balanced......organized in thought and mind.......I best put some training time in/exercise.  Appropriate tears today really.........life can be difficult at times........so much to grieve for if we put our minds to it.  But also so very much to live joyously for.

 

Thanks again for stopping by.

Hey Manymoretodays,

 

Thanks for writing on my thread... I will definitely read yours, maybe it's that "quirky" sense of humour you got... as Ali described it. A bit ironic sense of humour I guess.

 

I used irony a lot in the old good times. Then the disease got so severe, that even irony could not help. Stopped laughing, my black humour was all gone. That was tough, just utter despair.

 

Maybe it's because you're Lexapro survivor and doing well... "organized in thought and mind"... "so much to grieve for, but also so much to live joyously for"... these are quotations from your posts, and I like them a lot, I hope to remember them.

 

Well, I'd like to be organized - in thought, mind, flat and life. Right now everything is so chaotic.... I hate this chaos.

 

Yes, Lexapro withdrawal is hell. But you give me hope. You did it and "roll with the punches", as you nicely put it.

 

Great you still keep the other cat. They are awesome creatures... Fill life with so much joy and sometimes trouble.

 

I also experienced so many losses in my lifetime and I'm still quite young I guess. Lost two loved ones. The second loss shattered my life to pieces. As we got through so much suffering, with the help of AA, for 12 yrs.

 

Maybe there's still love between us... he's sick, I'm sick. We're both on medication. Hard to define love at this stage.

 

Janet G. Woititz defined love as "enhancement". "If you and I are in a loving relationship, we enhance each other. We are more than we would be if we were not involved".

 

Well, he inspires me in my journey towards sobriety. Does four AA meetings a week, is engaged in AA service. I fell in love with him for being handsome... But this fascination with looks is so fleeting... Then divorced him for being poor, I was influenced to do it by my mother.

 

Oh, and about the cats. When I was a kid, the two cats I brought home.... were kicked out by my parents, cause they made the house dirty. There always was this obsession with cleanliness in my household.

 

Those cats both died a rather tragic death, cause they were not given to the shelter. This is why I'm so scared something happens to my 4,5 yr old Kitty.

 

And the cleanliness obsession... maybe that's how my OCD developped.

 

Enough rambling and personal stuff. Wanted to share about loss a bit. Loss always leaves you heartbroken. I'm not good with English, it's not my native tongue.

 

Big hugs to you Manymoretodays, and keep up the great job of healing. BTW, I love your nick. One day at a time... 24 hrs...

 

Mel

[manymoretodays]

Just going to say that the obsession stuff does get better too.  I mean, sure it pops up every now and then.......but somehow I think it is another one of those factors from the meds.  It wasn't really part of me pre meds.  And I AM remembering now.  I need to get it all down on paper.  Part of my 4th step........my fearless moral inventory.  Sometimes I think the spiritual awakening step........... has already happened but just needs refreshing from time to time.

 

So.....I keep trying to do the steps in order, and slowly at that........make them last and count.  "No need to suffer through it either".........quoting someone here.......seems like most of what I presently am is not my own anymore.........and I say that in a good way..........it comes from a lot of people........good people.