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☼ manymoretodays: off many years of many medications

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manymoretodays

Well.  Brief update.

It is still or should I say I am still very upside down and all around........hopefully just as it should be.  Transitioning?

Yesterday.

Tried a new grief therapist close to home

Tried to stay open to that maybe this will help

A whole hour and she took my history

And I never really got a very good sense of connection

She offered EMDR

Declined

I did that once

It made me feel worse

This is in regard to my present loss, grief

I just wanted support and encouragement

Maybe one more visit

Undecided today

I can text her if I decide no go

Nice person

Too clinical

 

Tomorrow

Will try something all new

Reiki and song/sound

Sounds good

 

And then this, found this:

Matt Licata is the author

During times of transition it can seem as if things are falling apart, which they are. At times, initiation must come by way of dissolution to offer revelation not available when things are clear and held together. It is as if an ancient part of ourselves, a fellow traveler who has accompanied us for so long is no longer permitted to continue the journey by our side. The crumbling of an old dream—my life and the way I was sure it was all going to turn out.

This prior soul-companion might be another person or it can be an ally of the inner landscape—an image, feeling, memory, idea, or lens through which we’d been seeing ourselves and others; any emotionally-significant part of our world that has finished its time here. It must complete the sacred return.

In order to be initiated in this way and to fully participate in the emerging creative cycle, we must slow down, return into the earth and attune to the music, poetry, and high-voltage guidance found in the depths. At times, this art may take form as nothingness, flatness, numbness, and cloudy vision. There may always be an urgency to cut into the dissolution and get to the next phase as quickly as possible. But there is wisdom in the dark which is preparing the vessel for the next illumination.

Allow the old to wash away and grieve the recycling of the passing form. This grief is holy and opens the heart to imagination and revisioning.

 

Kind of a really lengthy update sort of thing afterall

Keep on carrying me Universe and everybody

I know I am going to be okay.  It's just the when do I get to come back to the good old Spirit/soul me?

 

Love, peace, healing/inrecovery, and growth and grief,

manymoretodays

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manymoretodays
Posted (edited)

.......and oh hey........I got a printout of all my past drugs/medications from Costco awhile back.  2008 on.   So that's helpful to me.......to see and remember.

And then to see how far I've come.

I have come a a long way.

I might just do some more DBT myself.  I've lost a lot of my discipline in the past couple of months.

Focus on diet a bit more.  Housekeeping.

Hopefully go see Mum.  As a trip away is always healing for me.  As are relationships........I can work more on mine with SUN and Mum, and then just acquaintances.

Sooo.......not so bad.

Canceled Reiki/song/sound thing.  Maybe later.  I need to get comfy here at home again.

Another beautiful medal from AA too!!!  Two years and plus.

A day at a time.  Easy does it.

 

I noticed someone mentioned recent meteorological changes.  I've been feeling those too.  Always do.  Something unexpected on my horizon soon.  Can't wait.....

 

Love, peace, healing/inrecovery, growth and change,

mmt

Edited by manymoretodays

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direstraits

sorry for your loss,mmt.

I hope it gets easier as you go forward.

I've probably been living with grief for most of my life when I think about it.

sending big hugs your way and wishes for happier days ahead.

love,ds

xx

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manymoretodays

(((((  ))))))'s  Today not so bad.  I just get so scattered when I do online first thing for several hours.  Messy and scattered house yard and mind.  Not going to get too lost in my head today.

I need to attend to self.

Thank you Dire.  I will get back to you soon.  Forgive me......I am remiss.

neighbor kids a mowing and I am a going up the canyon after a long bath.........B)  And a blender full of spinach!

 

Love, peace, healing/inrecovery, growth, and grief, and woohoo we all get another day!  Make it a good one.

manymoretodays

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brassmonkey

Congratulations of the two years C&S, that's a big milestone.

 

((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

 

Brass

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Junglechicken

Thinking of you MMT,

 

I love reading your messages of encouragement to others, and you are so supportive to everyone here.

 

Hang in there friend, gaze at those desert skies, listen to the gentle desert breeze, and smell the wild sage brush.

 

The pain of your loss will leave you when you're ready.

 

Hugs,

JC xx

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manymoretodays
Posted (edited)

Thank you.  And congrats on your "sun sign" Jungle.

.......I can hit several different ? "biomes" close to home. 

I have to take care of many, many living duties before I literally road travel.  Primarily....... my car situation.  :blink:B)

Among other responsibilities.

 

Meanwhile.......angel Merlene is on hover status(she's my dear friend closeby), and I AM in the right place for healing. 

Neighbors are great, and may I learn many new skills while continuing to living cheaply.

Sun(son) seems to stay safe...... and for that I am thankful as well.

 

Love, peace, healing/recovery, and growth

 

 

Edited by manymoretodays

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manymoretodays
Posted (edited)
On 6/1/2018 at 1:38 PM, Junglechicken said:

The pain of your loss will leave you when you're ready.

 

It's lightening up a bit anyway.......one month out.   The usual guilt at that of course.  Yet I'm smiling and being/feeling more like myself.  Grief hurts in the gut and the heart I've found.

And I'm finding the usual extraordinary synchronicities in all kinds of things and people.  Good ones.

If you just let them in.........other's can be great at understanding.

Looks like Mum is possibly traveling herself!!!!  Well, with my sister and hubs to a wedding.  So........I'm okay keeping my adventures more local for the time being.  I definitely need to get some A/C going in Seymour Subaru though, auto/car.  It's gotten comfortably hot now.

 

Just a peep.

Love, peace, healing/inrecovery, and growth,

mmt

And OOOOMMMMM plus my gutteral Tarzan yell.  Richard C. Miller doing his "Healing in Wholeness" I shall give a 5 star rating to!  He's at the Trauma Summit, days of excellent presentations from the best and just perfect for my morning today.  https://www.soundstrue.com/mycourse/oce/healing-trauma-summit/live/?utm_source=bronto&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=C180606-HTS-Pa

I'm assuming one can still sign on for free listening within 24 hours of each broadcast or pay a smidgen(actually.......it's pretty expensive.......U.S. $297.00 I think) and have and hold the online library of it.

Or try this one:  https://www.soundstrue.com/store/healing-trauma-summit/free-access-c?hatid=102e5b7bf735ab4baad694b49a5d99&partner=2938

It continues through next week!

Edited by manymoretodays
update

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manymoretodays
Posted (edited)

Wrote this one yesterday.

Today busy and out and about.

 

God Bless the warm line.

 

(U.S.A. only..........some are nationwide scroll down and look for the ones in red if you don't see one in your state, you have to go to the second listing to see the ones in red)

www.warmline.org/

And here's a peer talking about her misgivings and then her positive experience with using a warm line:

https://www.madinamerica.com/2014/06/warm-line-expect-call-one/https://www.madinamerica.com/2014/06/warm-line-expect-call-one/

My own experiences overall with them I will rate very good to excellent!

 

Mornings have now become most difficult

Morning dread to sheer emotional pain due to loss

Sleep is good with whole 6 hour stretches

The exhaustion of grief

I get out each and every day

I give thanks

I write

I talk to him

 

I breathe, I rock, I cry, I give myself some solid hugs......

And then........today........I called the warm line again

 

On to more of Sounds True and I'll try some EFT(that's the ongoing presentation right now)

Perhaps I'll consider the EMDR with the new grief therapist I saw once

I see my usual therapist next Monday

Oh, this is trauma.......pure and simple

It lets up in a little while......I can patiently wait

 

I AM resilient

I Love

I so miss my friend......still

 

So little to give to others while my own emotional reserves are so tapped out........this.....is.......difficult

However, it is what it is

 

Love, peace, healing/inrecovery, and growth,

manymoretodays

 

 

 

 

Edited by manymoretodays
update

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manymoretodays
Posted (edited)

And today.

Just a reminder

June 21st is summer solstice!!!

And that's only 8 days away

So.......that means........that......

For all of us typical housewive's.......NOT me yet I like to live in de-lusion on this

8 days to spiff our nests up to par......

 

Really I am joking

Good thing I usually Spring clean before Christmas

 

B)  A weird post......yet the thought occurred to me today

So......I thought I would share it

My nest really needs some work right now

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

Edited by manymoretodays

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FarmGirlWorks

Happy solstice in advance... 

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manymoretodays
Posted (edited)

Oh you too FGW.

 

I'm still up as I got this great new book I have to browse now........sheesh.

And what are you doing up so late??!!!  Sometimes it's nice.  You don't have to explain or answer.B)  I get it.

 

I've got time for a nap however manana, after driving(my new little PT job....."van driver")........it's still kind of orientation, getting to know the stops and such.....getting comfortable at it(they are wonderfully supportive)............ and before meeting with my wonderfully supportive sponsor.......

 

A good day today.  Going for 2 in a row!!

 

I did find an outdoor Yoga thing solstice day or day after.......and I hope I'm up for that adventure.

Still searching for an Inipi.  I did find one on the 3rd Saturday of every month and may partake this month.......

 

A day at a time.  Expectations are inversely related to serenity.  I hope I got that right.

 

It is what it is.  Oh so hoping the tides are shifting now......

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

Edited by manymoretodays

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brassmonkey

" Expectations are inversely related to serenity."

 

I'm stealing that, with credit of course.

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Altostrata

Where's the "like" button! 😸

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DMV64

Hi MMT! Just saying hi and seeing how you are doing? I love the expectations quote. It is one of my favorites!

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manymoretodays
Posted (edited)
On 6/14/2018 at 1:53 AM, manymoretodays said:

Expectations are inversely related to serenity.

 

This one ^ got a test for sure today.  My morning was completely thrown........as to how I thought today would go.  Sometimes that happens.

 

I've found that happening a lot lately.  Principles that I "thought" I WAS living get thrown to the test.  I believe it's for a reason really.......this season of growth and building strength and courage for whatever comes next.

 

No need to quote me brassmonkey on this one.  It's a Universal thing.......no idea from who or whence it came.  Thank you DMV and Alto too........ for stopping by.  I'm doing okay DMV, all things considered.  Getting back to "well".  And "well enough".........I've just been a bit thrown is all.

 

Maybe it's too many things to choose from again.  I've prioritized though. 

I'm doing a little paid job soon.........driving a "van" between sober living houses here and their IOP(intensive outpatient treatment).  It's slow now and so I've just been doing some of the drives with another "staff person" to get familiar with the route and the houses locations.  I'm hoping just to do it paid for one short morning a week and then one longer morning.  And then maybe some fill ins for the other drivers.   

 

I want to stay open/free enough so can I do a bit of travel later.......maybe in the fall.  Not sure how that will go.  I've got a few other peer type commitments too now.  And just the householding/homemaking has been a challenge.  I need to get up to par with all that.......including my car situation.  I have to get the A/C going soon in the drivable one and give it a good clean.......as I drive others around a fair amount on my own as well.  And I deserve comfort as well.  It's hot in the mid days now. 

 

So........just working hard at getting back some good working routines for myself.  In the way of self care.  And not allowing too, too much monastery time.  For me, if I allow too much of monastery time it becomes isolation and then I get stuck in my head too, too much.  None the less.........I am frustrated, as I'm not getting much done at home right now.....in terms of general organization and how things need to be around here.  Trying to be patient with myself.

 

I did a weird/I should say "new" thing on Thursday.  My sponsor at AA actually suggested this place........so I went in and had my cards done........or an oracle reading.......something like that.  I was feeling really receptive too........as I was sleep deprived that day.  I had stayed up online and then reading a new book the night before.  Well, it was great.......the reading........gave me lot's to go on.........as far as understanding and comfort and things to focus on. 

 

And I'll leave all you folks with this........hot off the press from beyondmeds.com.  Kind of like a sister site or something for me.  ..........and yes, I need to pay special heed to getting my movement in.......still off as far as the "regular" swims/saunas, walk/runs, and yoga.   It's been awhile.  I'm a bit numb from time to time after the break up......... followed by Cancer diagnosis of friend(lovely fellow I broke up with), and then his death.  Kind of a grief trauma reaction.  It is what it is and it is getting better.  I just thought he'd always be around......on the periphery, cheering and encouraging me on.  I need to do that for myself now.......growth again!   Best thing.........doing this without any belief that I am mentally ill somehow....... in how it has affected me.  I mean we come out of this whole psychiatric thing(or I did)........so naive again, like teenagers or something........trying to fill in the maturity gaps that we missed going through.

 

It's all worth it though in my own humble opinion.  This Life thing.

 

So here's the link:

https://beyondmeds.com/2018/06/16/this-weeks-ecstatic/

If you open the link.......you'll see that you can do this from your bed, chair, virtually anywhere.  Try it!  B)

And yes........that stuff really, really makes a huge difference for me and staying on the "well" side.  It's been an upside down couple of months as I have said above in posts.

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

 

Thank you for the space.  I needed that......... writing time on here.  It always helps.

Also note to self:  put list of W/D symptoms that have occurred in the last couple of months next time I post.  I've had some.

........and........drumroll........Happy Father's Day to those whom that applies.......it's tomorrow.  Must send an e-mail at least to my ex hubs and Sun's(son) Dad.

Edited by manymoretodays
elaboration, punctuation, spaces and ..........

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manymoretodays
Posted (edited)
On 6/14/2018 at 11:33 AM, brassmonkey said:

" Expectations are inversely related to serenity."

 

Ah.......I found it in the Big Book of AA.........although it was stated in reverse at the end of one of the stories.

 

Today's whatcha whatever you want to call it:

 

"Lower your expectations and your performance will rise".........it must come from someone, somewhere.......  So that's what I'm going to do for myself now.

 

I've waylaid or "quit" on the paid work for now..........it's just too much responsibility for this fragile one right now.  On the positive side though.......they get it, my why.   Maybe it will be there still or maybe it won't when I'm ready or back or whatever.

 

And my why I suppose relates to that morning dread that now comes over me.  And that I could not pull off 2 in a row more decent, reliable mornings for just myself before driving for them this week.  Just not great.......still.   Oh........my dear neighbor.......another angel in disguise as "the president of the relief society"........and oh........I am not Mormon..........is kind of sponsoring me through some of this now.  I do have and hold dear without resentment my friends in that religion.  It's the sometimes cultural side of it that is difficult when one is a newcomer to this area.  The rest is all good.  Anyway.......she'll be my morning touch point person for a bit.  God Bless her. 

 

My AA sponsor is still there, here.  She's at more of a distance geographically speaking, and so busy with all her present "action".  So we speak and meet as I can handle for now.  It's me.  Perceptions gone astray.  I did get to 2 back to almost back meetings on Saturday.  Had a meal with a friend from there in the interim period.  So.......that's good.

 

That loneliness that just takes your breath away hovers frequently.  My old standby of "shame and guilt" feelings don't have a chance with the other mmt being ever vigilant in dowsing their flames.

 

Grief.  Trauma.  Doable.

 

I've got to commit to making the rounds here in the evening instead of morning as well.  Get disciplined in this regard for all our sakes.  B)

 

Monday, monday.........let's make it a good day and week!

and tap tap tap........amazing......... the what I like to call the "tapping" technique......

 

Reporting live from Paradise somewhere in the SW portion of the good old U.S. of A.

 

Love, peace, healing/inrecovery, and growth.......

 

manymoretodays..........yes indeedy there are!!

Edited by manymoretodays
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manymoretodays

Woah.  When it rains it pours I guess.

My father out law took a turn for the worse.  Hospital found first cancer in his brain, and now apparently riddled throughout.  Hoping for a move to hospice care now.  He's fading fast.

 

I'm a wet noodle.  In terms of having much to offer here for a bit.  Doing okay.  All things considered.

I hate you Cancer!!!!

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

manymoretodays

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FarmGirlWorks

Saw this and previous posts only today, @manymoretodays. So sorry to hear about your father-"outlaw." You've had too much cancer in your loved ones' lives. Know you always have support here. I'll say a prayer for you.

 

Love "Expectations are inversely related to serenity." I have a sponsor now although she hasn't been too in my life yet; we are meeting for the first "real" session on Friday. I am reading up to page 164 of the Big Book too.

 

 

 @manymoretodays

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brassmonkey

((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))

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Rabe

Im sorry manymoretodays...that is so hard!  Thinking about you!!!!💜

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Marmot

So much loss in your life recently mmt. How are you doing? What are you up to? Sending love ❤️

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manymoretodays
Posted (edited)

And a......oh, man........longest post ever........it helped though......yikes........more for me I think and my history/progress report here

I'm a doing okie dokie.  More or less.  Less can sometimes be more as I have come to understand.

And thank yous in order.  For love, support, understanding, and all that really good and humane stuff that comes.......... right through the world wide web.  And that is just present......in all of us.  Amazing world.

 

My father out law wound up with metastatic melanoma, with notable masses in 2 places.  Brain and lungs.  He's hanging in, for a bit longer anyway........ and actually some improvement with some stepped up care.  He only recently got settled into assisted living, and is out of the hospital and now settling back in at the same facility,  with  stepped up care. (and oh geeze.....editing, as I used the term stepped up care 3 or 4 times, next paragraph....bugs me, I'll leave it though.......no aggressive cancer care for grandpa at 90.....thankfully......all the testing in the hospital was fairly invasive.  Now he gets physical therapy and a bit more caring, compassion......hopefully some decent hospice care soon.....when insurance deems it fit I suppose)

  

This one........hard of course, outlaw family IS part of my chosen family........harder for his bio family and my SUN(son).  He is close to Grandpa.......even more so since living in the bigger city again.  Grandpa's assisted living........to stepped up care now, is within walking distance of dear Sun's apartment.  So SUN visits frequently.  He, in fact noticed the slurred speech onset(new symptom) and reported it to staff.   Which led to the hospital and back.  Grandpa has had something like Guillian Barre' for years now but never slurred speech.    Anyhoo.......outlaw family is singing Sun's praises for all his support and compassion shown in recent days.   I tell my ex........."we did good, we created a fine SUN".  Oh......and of course my ex.........he's hurting, they all are............so I be strong, have to.  I AM strong.   I've had experience in losing a parent.  My Dad.  I know.  My mother out law passed years and years before.......even before what I like to refer to as the longest marriage ever........considering.........well, that's a whole different story.

 

Thankful that me own Mum is well......assorted health issues, yet nothing so bad.  Embarrassing, as she is 90 too(same age as father out law).........and sometimes it seems to me that she's more active than moi.  I get frustrated with my own continued challenges at times.

 

 The other grief is.  Well it is.  I mean I still cry/weep.  Go through all those stages that we do.......with the exception of denial and bargaining.  I'm done with those.  Well, knock on wood........I hope I am.  Less of that horrid loneliness........starting to enjoy my own company and self again........slowly but surely.  And I have my faith........that inside outside sense that I am right where I am supposed to be.........to pay attention.........it's all going to be fine.

 

 It's been hard to see most of it as a true blue wave, like they used to be..........it's more of a sensitive person with an ultra sensitive nervous system now.  I've had resurgences of lot's of withdrawal symptoms in any case.   I've slowed down.........I keep in mind that I am more in the acute phase of grief and don't obsess too much about it all.   

 So........let's see, some symptoms and I'll do the resolved completely or intermittent still........... 

 Headaches(resolved, those were back in March, April)

DP/DR- not to an extreme but sometimes........that in another world feeling comes over me.  Deja vu anyone?

Easily overstimulated......noise, lighting, crowds(better)  I often feel like I'm trying to do too much as well........just get overwhelmed.  Have to work hard on mindfulness, just today, and all the positives or silver linings that really are still here.

Some supersensory hearing again.......although I don't really know on this one.......but I often hear so clearly others conversations at quite a distance........it's kind of cool. Tinnitis(intermittent only......I had not even noticed it anymore until March)

Blurry vision......time to use my farsighted lenses more often, not a biggie, I just have to accept glasses on my face more often.

SI- oh so brief too.  I change that channel quickly to "hang in there mmt, you're in the acuity of grief."  

Had some chest pain(resolved), palpitations(resolved).

 

This one is almost funny.......parasympathetic overdrive........which would be the opposite to cortisol reactions........ my other people mirrors tell me I seem really calm too, and sleep is always good.  Oh but just more recently some anger and irritability.........small scale.  I hope to write some rap tunes to deal with it and make myself laugh. 

 

And....Oh darn......demotivation and apathy at times.

   

 I got lazy too.  Training commences NOW.  Walk/runs, yoga, and to the pool for this one.  Take some pictures.  Sit outside more often with a book.  Get Betsey Ross cat groomed.  And I may make it all summer without A/C in Seymour.  Consuelo sadly sits in the garage.  I'm sure I can start her up with a jump........well, pretty sure and then pay for diagnostics and decide.  I think I will donate her to my favorite radio station.

 

Oh......and then I got one of my mouth infections again........no body rash........just the stomatitis type thing.........which is ugh.........it's all clear now...... yet it does come with some fatigue.  The best cure for fatigue for me has always been getting more physical movement and exercise in.........and so off I go........... 

Due diligence really, for me........as to what works and then doing it. 

 

Oh, I've isolated a bit.  Then get one good day out and do it again.  I'm working on a whole new routine I think.  It's just time to.  More of a realist perhaps.......or maybe I'll come back more fully as time goes on.  I've got a lot of fears to rid myself of........once again.  AA, 12 steps helps.  My most awesome therapist helps with some basic ideas.  I know I wrote here once before that Self Love doesn't equal Self Care..........well now I think it does.......that the 2 ARE interrelated.  In a most healthy and balanced way. 

 

 Town Daze this week here in Paradise too.  Each town around here does a special celebration in the summer.    I'm going to the Senior dinner tonight........I'm a Junior Senior, now........at 61.......supposed to be 65, yet they said it's okay and am going with an older Senior friend(ex hubs).   And then to the Rodeo later this week.  I'll probably watch the parade as well as go to the park for music and eats as well.   Maybe buy something at one of the booths.   

 

 

Okay......that helped.......rather lengthly and mostly just for me and my journal/progress/history.

Thanks for the space.

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

manymoretodays..........better ones, healthier ones, balanced ones

 

 

Edited by manymoretodays
spacing, obsessing :-)

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Marmot
On 8/7/2018 at 12:56 PM, manymoretodays said:

I'm going to the Senior dinner tonight........I'm a Junior Senior, now........at 61.......supposed to be 65, yet they said it's okay and am going with an older Senior friend(ex hubs).   And then to the Rodeo later this week.  I'll probably watch the parade as well as go to the park for music and eats as well.   Maybe buy something at one of the booths.   

 

I had never heard the "junior senior" thing before, haha, I'll have to tell my mom.

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manymoretodays

That would be fine Marmot.  When I was double 5's I went on and on about 55 and over communities..........how they should be integrated with 5 year olds.  And that was my terminology....55 and over.  Well time flies.......B)  Junior Senior now.......there ought to be a Prom........don't you think?

I think they use the term senile for our organs after a certain age too!!!!  I went with my Mum to her Dr. and asked why she wrote senile on so many of her notes..........she said that's just a term for old.  We could sure use some new vocabulary, eh?  My Mum is pretty sharp.......not demented or senile from what I can tell.........so I'm hopeful........aging is okay, natural, blah, blah, blah..........I don't let it bother me except around my birthday.  And I'm going to quit doing that even.  And just celebrate......

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth baby growth,

mmt

Edited by manymoretodays

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