☼ manymoretodays: off many years of many medications

[manymoretodays]

Thanks Ali. 

 

I can hear it in your typing above.

 

I will try and recap my day or something later when I have a bit of flow going...........and some of that laughter in my head.  Starting out neutral anyway.........I woke up.....I got out of bed.  I GOT OUT of bed before rethinking it!!!!!

[AliG]

Sending much love . Manymoretodays.  You are indeed a warrior !  Love you to bits ! 

[manymoretodays]

Thank you AliG.  Having a bad........well it's been about an hour now.  I think I get my hopes up with every mini window and then boom again.  It gets scary....... 

 

I honestly don't really know what I am doing anymore.........

 

Love you too. 

[manymoretodays]

...........And clear.  Sheesh.......another day almost over.

[manymoretodays]

This is definitely some kind of life survival challenge.  An opportunity so few, yet so many......... get to undertake.  I would however, like to make more than the best of it.  The best I can do.  Something better than just one foot in front of the other.

 

The associate(son) is in court today.  Extended court visit because the interlock device.......which I messed up doing.  They don't care though.  It's all very by the book, no exceptions.

 

I'm still hoping he can drive in February........unclear yet.

 

It's probably the caffeine.   I have been craving and drinking instant coffee for awhile now.  With vanilla soy milk and honey.  Then tea in the afternoon most days.  I just take 1/2 of the 150mg. trileptal.........75mg.  I got tired of doing all the mixing and measuring so I guess I am still holding.  Which I really must do as I am not quite right lately.  I got cookies too and ate most of them over 48 hours.  I think they helped my sleep.  Which isn't bad.

 

Feels like Monday.  I know it's Wednesday.

 

Cheerio.

[manymoretodays]

These things happen.  Thankfully physically am not bad at all.  I have to pay another bill.  I don't even have a day planner going yet for 2016.  I'm sure my checking balance is just fine.

 

And no, not me.......I was getting quicker but no way can I do a screen calendar.  I don't think I have missed anything important.  I should at least sign up for free CEU/trainings.  No demerits if I no show.  Probably someone there I can relate to and I might be able to immerse myself in the content.  Suicide prevention and Youth in Transition.........but pretty much how a peer can help them find services and such........help get them thinking for themselves.

 

I am still pretty sensitive to suicide due to my loss.  Next person that has a plan or speaks about it I am just going to stay with until they get some treatment and/or enlightenment.  I mean it.  I would have to stay by them until.........someone else took over really.

 

Really just rambling.

 

Not so bad now.

 

A very young buck was in back today.  We did the staring contest and then I even spoke to him gently.  Somehow it was all reassuring that I am still here.  I also was able to get a bird to fly out of the garage...........not once but twice..........just by keeping a calm demeanor and thinking helpful thoughts.  Birds and animals get it right away.........how I feel right now........and then assure me I still matter and am part of all living things.

 

I mean I know this all sounds weird but it connected me.  It's the disconnect that I don't like.......that being outside of it all.  Probably DP or DR but aren't those psychiatric terms?  I don't care for psychiatry anymore.  This is more of some kind of spiritual survival quest at this point. 

 

I got to something about attitude and action in my AA reading.  And I can do the right attitude pretty well.  Not so sure on action other than to hold tight.

 

Yah, I will attempt to drive somewhere today.......maybe get gas.  Go to the library.  I hope I can report that I did that much.

[manymoretodays]

And nope.  Court did not go well.  For associate son.  Not so much due to my interlock screw up anyway.  More based on his true failure way back with that darn device.

 

On the up side no jail.  Non compliance and ridiculousness.  Basically he can't afford to do an ankle bracelet.  I can't laugh.  A warrant.

 

On the up side I don't imagine they will hunt him down and he is getting plenty of hours at work.  Parole officer worried.  Counselor worried.  I mean they have both called him.  But not over any acting out on his part.  Another lawyer?  I don't know..........  I just be okay.  He just be okay.  A fugitive for now.  Carrying his load.

 

I mean this is just for my records I suppose.  Nothing to do with withdrawal.  Nor with his mental health.  Reality.

 

Always thankful for the associate.

 

I guess we'll just move to Mexico or something.........that is a joke.

 

Waking up.  Have to. 

[AliG]

Just keep hanging on, Manymoretodays. You will get through this.  You are unique & funny . You are just in a wave , right now.

Ali

[manymoretodays]

Yup.  I think I got another tip that I can pass on to the associate as far as possibilities.

 

I think it's the other day now.......as far as every other day and trying to just get on out in the car.........after the now tedious, unfamiliar hygiene and dressing.  So will pick him up at work again........have a bit of list for groceries on the way home.  And that will be that.  An accomplishment.

 

Maybe try and organize with Merlene angel again and have her get supplies on her regular day.

 

If I could........I would get a strong sedative and put myself out for 12 hours.......but I won't.

 

It's just so different and I do fight it all a bit.  I can't take in too much........yet.............

 

Thank you for post.

[manymoretodays]

I got out last night.  Almost didn't.  Must keep close tabs on dear associate.  And prop up his spirit.  We talked about suicide thoughts last night.  I mean I am no therapist nor treatment center..........but I did the best I could to help him talk about some stuff.

 

Then today there is a light snowfall.  And some cute rather plump quails all out in the trees........they do include me in their interesting songs of communications.

 

I pulled up some distress tolerance skills on my computer.  I should remember them but I only do a little.  Those are for me.  Hoping I can radically accept the situation as.......just is.  No judgement either way.  I guess I will go to weekend mind........here in my little cabin.  Get to calm.

[manymoretodays]

I'm doing okay getting on out in the evenings.  The roads are fine.  Today I am going to try for the library and a noon meeting even though I am still not stone cold no substance use.  Work on my steps and social skills.  It beats staring at the icicles outside the window.

 

I got some mild beer to bring home.  I have been craving some Redds Apple Ale.  They have a tart green apple flavor.  

 

I think I am starting to feel more open and receptive.  It's just uncanny too what the topic is sometimes......at AA......... It was like......"go ahead and finish up with your substances" ...... then the fresh faced treatment center kids always are feeling real inspired.  The big book has some good stuff too. 

 

I did some foot massage and went barefoot for awhile before trying my outing.  I think it helped.  The base of the big toe is for head stuff.  Not sure where general nervous system/spine is but I have a book somewhere with pressure points.

 

Then I could try church tomorrow.  The one with the band and just stay for the live music part.  Start singing praises.  Maybe even stretch it and go to a bookstore for a bit.  Skim through some self help books.

 

Mag. Citrate twice a day helps.  Fairly tolerable.

[direstraits]

Good morning,many,

 

you're sounding good...always find your posts interesting and thoughtful...keep going....rooting for you...xo

[manymoretodays]

Out and back.  It was after the meeting and on the way home the emotional tsuanmi hit anyway.  And I have a book to read now to concentrate on.  To the tub for me.

Aromatherapy.....Magic Fake Sunlight lamp............and then foot massage.  And going barefoot.

 

Associate seems to be spending the day in bed.  But is okay.  Sad but okay.  A lot to be depressed about.

[manymoretodays]

I think I will not push it later today.  So much for church.  Tried a couple phone calls.........way too emotional and become tearful tsunami.  Can no longer really fly on others happiness. 

 

I am thankful I made it to a meeting and held it together.  Difficulty reading.  Survival status.

 

I'll be glad when Monday comes.

[AliG]

Manymoretodays.  Sorry you're still struggling.  Acceptance and patience, are still the qualities we have to foster in ourselves, in this " journey".  It can be hard to "wrap your head around" , at times and I still " wrestle " with it myself, almost daily at this point. It can feel like a " superhuman " effort , just to get through the day , at times, however we have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other - moment by moment !  

Love, Ali.

[manymoretodays]

Thank you Ali.  I was just thinking how my usual angel, neighbor is probably tired.  Thankful she could do round one with me.  I should not ask for any more help from her.  Her "visiting teacher" (mormon speak) buddy contacted me.  Text.  Man, I can't do text right now.  I can't do new people right now.  I did not reply.  They have all tried and God Bless them but I am tired.  I don't want to connect nor subject anyone to my "breakdowns" anymore.  The timing is way off too........when I CAN talk.......when they HAVE time.

 

And look.....here is another.  Angel I mean.

 

Writing and then deleting.

 

All I can do is hang on.  Pray in a scattered way.

 

Thank you though.  It matters.  Kindness.

[manymoretodays]

And then there is this.  A quote sent to me today:

 

"For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone.  The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes.  To someone who doesn't understand growth, it would look like complete destruction."  Cynthia Occelli

 

How perfect was that?  Oh I finally got some sleep off and on.  The heaviness of my limbs though, right now is so very marked.  But some sense of calm.  Clarity.  I don't think I can do much more than sit or lay down, eat, enjoy my one show tonight.......

 

I do need to try and do all the hygiene required to take dear associate to the City to retrieve his found wallet........or find someone who can.

 

I best surmise that there is some reason in the severity of symptoms.......especially the emotional and beginning to find associations again where there are none.  Other than to tell me to move on for now.  Wasn't a place I should have gone.  Fly solo again.  I know that doesn't make sense but is just a note for me.

[manymoretodays]

Rain and near 40 degrees.  Did it with the picking up associate and getting dressed and getting gas/petrol.  Translating for Brits and Aussies because it makes me laugh.

 

I really should attempt another outing too.  I am in sorry shape but hoping for a calm soon.  Meanwhile I will hang about the internet.

 

Teeth grinding...........I stopped and got gum.......it has to be the chiclet type so it is crunchy at first.  I got some more stuff too.  A nice lady let me go first when a new line/que opened up.  That was nice.  I think I had less stuff in my cart.

 

I basically start feeling like I am going to loose it completely frequently..........whatever that means but I just try and talk to Casper my higher power.  I basically beg and plead with God now.  I feel it would help everybody around me and people I don't even know if I was back to some semblance of my happy still somewhat crazy self right now.  I kind of wave and window throughout the day.  The waves are a new intense.

 

I saw a neighbor at the grocery/market and was very glad she did not see me so I did not have to interact.  It would have been difficult as I have not seen her for ages.

 

Temperature internally is still shifting about too.  I greatly mind the being cold.  It's almost painful.  I am not always like this in the winter.

 

I'm going to try and stay on blender food and good old PB and J and eat something frequently out of those two choices.  I crave caffeine too so am going with instant coffee, clover honey and vanilla soy milk..........low on the coffee.  Too hyped up but it is easier than the other state.

 

I'll see how it goes.

 

You may laugh if this all reads funny........kind of made me laugh too.

 

[manymoretodays]

Clearly, the latest with the associate is keeping me in this paralysis of sorts.  I don't agree with his decisions but maybe they will work out to be the best. 

 

I think I should decrease my Trileptal again because of something I was reading.........then convince myself that is the problem, the Trileptal............and then either get a placebo affect or maybe that is really what my mind and body need.  I don't know if the depression drives the rest of my symptoms and I need to try something.  Try and find an efficient way to just file down tablets.  Or liquify but cut down by more than 10 percent.   I know I shouldn't cold turkey it but that even sounds tempting.  Get plenty of food in the house and ride it out somehow.  Blame it all on the trileptal would be nice........or feel like this is all an awesome journey again.........

 

And clean and declutter joyfully.  With music playing.  I haven't been able to use music effectively for a bit.

 

Tons of snow.  Why can't I become all bundled up and go ski ing?  That would be so awesome but it is like a dream.  I am so not my not normal but more functional state.  I miss feeling better a lot.  I get started on the feeling better and then some new situation comes up..........which I manage to see all in a negative light and fairly obsess on. 

 

Bump a de bumpedy......bumpy ride still. 

[manymoretodays]

Physically wiped out too today.  I ventured out though.  I think I am sleeping but ran out of melatonin 2 nights ago.......so I got some more.  Sleeping later in the winter works good for me.  I wake up early and then fall back asleep.  That's when I have dreams.  I remember them.....always related to something or other the day before......nothing dramatic.......weird stuff though.......always glad it's a dream.

 

Did therapy by phone and just really needed her calming voice and all.  Something about how I can practice going towards my values and recognize what values I am not going towards or something.  I get the gist so will try and write something up for homework.  Kind of trying to be true blue to myself and I guess the rest will work out.

 

I will try going every Weds. now........hopefully drive it next week.  Kind of tickled that I landed such a primo appt time. 

 

I might liquify the Trileptal tonight.....I could get 3 doses of 50mg. out of one tablet........just to see if I can get more action energy going.  This is sick.

 

Associate going for the full time work schedule so some consistency in days now and everything else is settling.

[manymoretodays]

Fatigue.  Mental and physical.

 

And I am sleeping. 

 

I read about it under symptoms.  Reassured that it is normal W/D.  I don't think I have sleep apnea. 

 

I am really slow now. 

 

I will just give in and rest today.  Image me when active and Well.  Maybe it will happen soon.  What else can I do? 

 

The light outside is lasting closer to 6pm now and I think the snow went East.

[manymoretodays]

((((((((((((((((( everyone here)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Altostrata]

Back atcha, MMT. Maybe the sleepiness is your body healing itself?

[AliG]

Sending love and support, from Oz !     I hope you're doing ok, Manymoretodays.  Thinking of you. 

Hugs,

Ali  

[manymoretodays]

I am working on my posture after reading a Beyond Meds blog reprint. 

 

The physiological response and the Vagus nerve...........of course I can't explain what I read but it all made perfect sense.  I may attempt a modified head stand or head stand against a wall.   I really think most of my trauma is from previous medications.  More so than things from long ago.  I have revisited my 20-30 years of age memories and it's just my being sensitive........nothing dramatic.......but I want to have grown out of that........not be stuck back at the beginning.

 

Just improving my posture with my head more up and looking up and stretching has helped.

 

I sure hope it is some healing and neurogenesis going on.  This is just sick.  I mean the thoughts associated with.  Somewhere I read to write them all down for only 10 minutes for 4 days and that that will help too.   I will try.

 

Something is brighter anyway today.  Thankful for the associate's presence as well.  He is kind.  His Dad is spending some time with him and they got me some groceries yesterday. 

 

The snow really is pretty once the skies clear.  Trying to work my way up to walking.

[manymoretodays]

Nothing yet as far as improvement.  Phone therapy appointment shortly.  It's the best I can do.

 

A friend stopped by.  Brightened my day just a tad even as I just told him I couldn't really talk.

 

Will try with my therapist.  I can't believe it has been a whole week.  She has a pretty soothing voice so I hope she gives me something to grab onto.

 

I float.  Mostly calm.  A few waves.  So outside of myself though...........maybe beside myself would be better.  Holding my hand.

[Altostrata]

When was the last time you had a checkup? You might have a health problem, like hypothyroid.

 

Are you getting enough protein?

[manymoretodays]

I had one scheduled in December but canceled it.

 

Eating is generally poor.  Some protein.

 

Not at a place or point right now where I can even imagine going to the doctor.

 

I might have some armor(?) thyroid around........but don't want to be messing with stuff.  I have been this sick before while on meds. from time to time so I just hold on...........hope for best..........pay bills............

 

Hope.  Thank you for your post though.

 

Hopefully better post........even a little, coming soon...........

 

In all my experience.........and I say this honestly............this isn't the worst I have experienced.............and I trust it will pass.  I think my associates(sons) stuff has got to me a bit and the loss of Christmas.........seasonal shift(not always a problem but certainly this year)...........and just so hard to communicate for very long.............

 

Don't worry.  Do send prayers or uplifting thoughts.  I believe in that stuff.

[AliG]

ManyMoreTodays,

I saw this today, and thought you might like it as well.

 

"  Your tears today will mean nothing tomorrow because you will be so thrilled to be healing and living a full life , this will be a forgotten chapter. In the meantime HOPE will enable you to acknowledge the magnitude of this challenge , and at the same time it will quieten your fears. May HOPE be your constant companion, all the way to the end of this journey. "  

 

Hugs, Ali

[manymoretodays]

Awesome Ali. Awesome Alto. Going to see this thing through. Yes....I still get depressed after so long on AD's. I think that this kind of thing is well documented. I, however, can move beyond it. Considering I live in Paradise and am right where I am supposed to be. Expect the best and nothing less

[Altostrata]

You must do what you can to get enough good protein and fresh veggies, please.

[manymoretodays]

I will work hard toward doing that. 

 

The blender stuff is my good start.  Green powder and organic spinach.  Fresh veggies are difficult to find around here right now but I do have some squash coming I think.  Yogurt.  Applesauce.  1/2 scoop of protein powder and tomato juice completes the ensemble.  Bananas too of course.  I cannot lose my bananas now.

 

Plenty of fake sunlight as well because today is the last day of natural sun.  Then 4-5 days no sun.......rain and snow.

 

I would like to go ski ing in say.........another week or two.   My intuition(Casper) tells me I should..........I will love it.

[manymoretodays]

So far so good.  My stomach feels fine anyway.

 

A bit of a to do around the Subaru and the son and getting the interlock taken out.  His Dad took it to get the interlock taken out.  Minor deduction from alimony check.  Thankful however for alimony check.  I should cancel insurance on it but maybe I will drive it now.

 

Associate(son) still battles with the thought of driving it though.  Not on my watch.  It's not that far to his work.  He has a bike. 

 

That's the dilemma really.  His dilemma.  Not mine.

 

Upbeat and music time or something.

 

Perhaps I jinxed myself by committing to manymoretodays whatever they bring.  And that's my name.  I think it sounds kind of Indian funky something though.  It can mean many things.  Like cherish each day.  What did I learn?  Something like that.

 

Need protein.  And greens.  Keep that foremost in my mind.

[manymoretodays]

Not so good today.  Yesterday was a good start.

 

Difficulties with the associate.  I discovered he took his car to work today.  He won't be doing that again and feels pretty bad about it.  But later..........drinking beer.......in the house..........against rules.

 

I called the court who advised me to call police as he is violating parole.  Can't do it.  Couldn't do it.  And won't.   I did learn he cannot drive for at least another year now..........he is going to counseling on Monday anyway.  I don't know........maybe get him to a treatment center..........something......

 

I think even if I wasn't stuck in depression this would be terribly hard.  Hoping for some advisement from an AA friend.  Try and do better with my own stuff, self care and the like......keep trying to get on out...........all the while just want to collapse in a heap.......but flicking here and there on the computer.  Almost bedtime.........

 

Seems like I tolerated massive amounts of mag. citrate yesterday.........3-4 doses of 300mg.  None of the earlier wobblies that even a small dose by mouth used to do. 

 

Anyway.......got him to bed.  He was stumbling around and vomiting.

 

Just asking the usual prayers and such...........or shared stories of successfully getting through withdrawal when family stuff happens.........

[brassmonkey]

Sorry to hear about all the problems your son is causing.  That's a tough thing to be going through even without the WD stuff.  You've probably already thought of it but how about taking him to a meeting or two.  I'm surprised that the judge didn't order 90 meetings in 90 days, that's really common around here.

[manymoretodays]

Thanks brassmonkey.  I could only wish.  He is resistant and obstinate and absolutely has refused to acknowledge that he has a drinking problem.  Won't go with me to a meeting or any of some of the great peer stuff which includes substance use now.

 

He cannot drink.  He must take care of the legalities and costs associated with them(last court date he non complied with an alcohol sensing ankle bracelet and is warranted now if he ever gets stopped while driving). 

 

Realizing the impact his more recent decisions have had on my healing and such I am having to go tough love.  He broke house rules is disrespectful, is slowing killing me with his behavior all together.  Well......no not killing me but breaking my heart.

 

I am going to try and get another family member involved to help get him to treatment and have been clear enough with him and his Dad(who he is with now) that this is no longer working well.........this being me as the sole recovery house treatment center.  He deserves more........  Of course his Dad is being "good cop" ..........no surprise there and no blame.........as I have been playing that role all along and it is not working.  He, his Dad, however ..........I do not expect to agree with me...........so will try another family member to help me get son more treatment or convince his Dad to take him on for awhile more permanently.

 

Meantime......I am not well.  I may have to opt for a non benzo non stimulant psychiatric drug of some kind.........with resultant inpatient to make sure I don't go bonkers in the first week or so of use.  As well as for the change in environment for me..........respite, etc.

 

My main support people are supportive but can't care for me as a spouse or even non troubled adult child could or dear friend.

 

Going to meet with my AA friend here..........also shaman   tomorrow.  Hopefully make a plan.  I did relapse on weed sometime back as well..........I made it only to somewhere between 30 and 60 days.  And would love to get free of that addiction once more.  Try, try and try again.

 

Hopefully he will go to treatment.........vs jail time vs stay with Dad or somewhere else. 

 

But maybe I will go..........hard to say...........but I need a break from this stress............I need my own self and strength back.

 

Change in environment always works good for me as well as the increased social after the initial high anxiety of going somewhere.........teeming with authority and rules and such.

 

Anyway.........not sure how clear my writing is..........thought disorder type stuff comes and goes.

 

But if I can get some respite in some program or other it's likely I will try a medication.  I have to do something.  I need peaceful monastery inside feeling again.

 

I get a few days here without him here and maybe it will all work out slowly and painfully.  Don't know.

 

Will update probably more than necessary but just to cope for now.

 

I am open however to trying a medication..............  

 

I am a mess.  I need help and am relieved to realize this. I mean in person help and freedom from codependency sheet with son.

 

Trouble driving and dressing and everything in between.

 

Thanks for being here.  Not even crying.