☼ manymoretodays: off many years of many medications

[brassmonkey]

Sounds like you have a plan, now just need the pieces to fall into place.

 

(((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))

[manymoretodays]

Monday morning.  Sunday I felt clear and stayed restful pretty much.

 

The break has been good for me from my son.  Not a whole lot of plans yet for either of us but feeling cautiously hopeful as the storm has passed.  The internal storm I mean.  External grey skies and light snow.  I'll try the fake sun and some activities of daily living today.  I don't expect his appearance until tonight after he works.

 

I must of confused the date with shaman friend.......or maybe phone problems or something.  I expect I will hear from him soon though.  And angel M. is checking in daily again so thankful for that.

 

I will just try and make a minimal list to master today. 

 

Not feeling so much like I have to go somewhere and try an antidepressant again.........  I shall try and go to the spiritual side of things.  Hang out in symptoms and self care and off topic.  Imagine my day to day falling into place.  I could also work really hard on going to therapy tomorrow.  She nicely worked me in for a late afternoon appointment.  I could master driving in weather as well as the full regimen of just pulling off getting out of the house.

 

And of course........finding the reason to pay bills and stay within budget.

 

Happy that it is now February for the sheer sake that I made it through January fairly intact.

 

Thanks for bearing with me.

[manymoretodays]

Feeling like I probably will try an AD in the am.  Found some and talked to shrinks office.

 

Phone therapy no doubt tomorrow.  Vs. trying to get out in the snow...........I'm sure the roads aren't too bad and all but I am just not up to it.

 

Not sure what will work out for son's relocate.............he's home for the night now.  Canceled his therapy appointment today.

 

Send Jesus himself if you can.  This is rough but I will be okay.  I always am.  I WILL be okay.

 

Of course I can't handle a adult child with a drinking and legal problems..........bitter pill to swallow. 

[Fresh]

MMT , are you sure that's what you want to do?   What do you have there?

 

Please try just a tiny dose , not the "recommended therapeutic dose".   Have you read the thread on reinstating?

 

I'd hate for you to have an adverse reaction  .

[manymoretodays]

No.......of course I am not sure.  It's Lexapro.  10mg. tabs which I probably could whittle down to 2.5mg.

 

Yes I have read the thread.  I may read it again because I am not sure about anything.

 

I upped the trileptal to 150mg. last night.......which really barely touched the agitation I was feeling after "words" with son.  I won't take the Lexapro today anyway.  But going from exhaustion, to tears, to illusive solutions, to blaming, to everything else emotionally is a bit too much.  I would really like the perfect sedation for bare minimum of 12 hours, which doesn't exist.............and then to be healed.

 

I could hear him up and down all night between my ups and downs all night.  My words weren't very well thought out and just added to his distress.   At least he's off at work.  Then to his Dad's I think and in and out here.

 

Sure.......neuroemotions and over reaction to stuff that happens...........doesn't quite cut it understanding that today.

 

I can't handle myself right now is really the problem.  Not at all enjoying my own company.   And don't want anyone to have to be around me for more than short, fixed periods.  Because it matters to me.  It still matters to me........what people might think and all that sheet.  So judgemental of self that surely others are making judgements, and surely some hope I will fail at this endeavor of withdrawal.

 

And I'm not exhausted enough to be bedridden.

 

Of course I can't handle my dear adult child with difficulties.  Hurts my heart and soul so very much.  Feels like someone died.  And to sit around again and work on myself and get back to day to day with some rosy future in mind just doesn't help at all.  I AM resistant and obstinate and fighting...........which of course doesn't help.

 

Therapy later.......by phone.

 

And apologies.  For me.  For my victim self right now.

[AliG]

ManMoreTodays.  I know that you're going through a rough time , but hang in  there.  I get it with " the kids" .  I have the same . However you have to be strong . I have similar. Different , but similar . Enough to understand what you are going through.  Please don't take A/D's. It's not the answer. You just have to go through this , to get to the other side. This is just " Life stuff ".  No pill is going to help . Stay strong . You have come so far . 

Hugs, Ali .

[manymoretodays]

No AD yet. 

 

Snow and deer on the front porch this morning.

 

I am in such a weird state now after a lot of rest.

 

One mag. citrate. 

 

Very shaky and disconnected.

 

I have to try and get out for cigarettes.  Which requires a lot on my part.  Shower or bath, getting dressed and bundled up.  Charging car battery and driving.  I will only go to closest store and back.

 

Have bananas and assorted other food.

 

Hard to write much at this point of day.

 

And as I was just saying to AliG...........I can sing out loud, somewhat crazy dance, and talk out loud to God and Casper today.  That's a plus.  And something I haven't felt comfortable doing with son in house for awhile.  It used to help and will help again.

[AliG]

ManyMoreTodays.   You will make it through this tough time. It seems to be a wave, exacerbated by stress.  Having your son living  with you , in a state of disequilibrium, would be testing for anyone, let alone what you are dealing with in terms of withdrawal.  Try , if you can to stay even , in the midst of all this. Take some time for yourself , and try if you can to disassociate yourself , from the chaos surrounding you. Do take time out to do that " singing & dancing " we talked about . 

Love , Ali.

[manymoretodays]

Somewhat bird connecting too.  Trying to get them all together for a picture though may not happen.  Some colors in some of them too.  Orange and blue.

 

They are healing.  The sky is blue.  Earth Wind and Fire........listening too.  At noon I will go to earbuds and getting ready for something.

 

Brushed teeth.

 

It will all be lifted pretty soon.........like yesterday.  3pm here I come.

[Altostrata]

It sounds to me like living with the associate is too trying for you. Please consider making changes in your living arrangement rather than chemical changes in your brain.

 

I worry that you're not getting enough to eat. You need to take care of yourself.

[manymoretodays]

Yup.  I will get blender food in before getting out. 

 

Synchronicity Alto........I had a passing thought to come back and say I was paying attention to greens and protein.  And food intake as well.

 

I just felt glee.  And will try and stay with that.

 

Yah, I will not fold until something changes with both he and I.  It was a somewhat..........."I am not so proud of myself confrontation" but I am quite certain he got the gist of it.  I think he will stay out of here now for a bit.  I think I am readjusting to what it is like.

 

I also probably did a number on the nervous system by upping the trileptal.  Went back to 75mg. last night and there I will stay until I can mix and titrate a wee bit even. 

 

I think the desire for AD's has passed............will put that one back in the closet.

 

Oh......I so hope and do believe he and I will have a really good conversation about this time in our lives.  The associate.  No tears.  Just doing the next right thing(AA lingo).  For both of us.

[manymoretodays]

Forget getting out.  Brushed teeth.  Soy milk with green powder.  Another banana and V8 tomato juice.  I should be able to get PB and J in soon.  Half bath done and now hair a bit damp........maybe more energy later.  Or a helper.  Put in text to angel Merlene.  Smart phone acting up.  Just the google music play though.

 

Cigarettes will have to wait.  I have 2 left and a lot of long butts.  And a small amount of nicorette gum left.

 

I can do this.  Calm will come soon.  Calm enough after typing.  Healing healing healing.............  Got faith in self and God/ Casper.

 

Frankly, glad I'm not in the hospital or anything.  My weight is a bit down......just a couple of lbs. though.  I can defrost a pork chop.  No energy for much cooking but I will broil it.

[manymoretodays]

Apologies for sharp words, being annoying, and all the rest.

 

Will just do my best to go silent and hang on.

[manymoretodays]

A little better today.  Nutritional intake better.  Less overall sensitive emotionally as day wore on.

 

CIGARETTES arrived!!!!!! (I know.....on my list......the quit someday.......going to cut back a teensy bit, tis time)

 

Good enough.

 

Had called the shrinks office the day I was going to restart.  So called again today and told them to note that I did not. Just going by the book.   I have seen this shrinks records and have copies of some from years ago.  It was amazing what she recorded incorrectly through the visits.  Even when I told her what I was on, etc.  A real bad amazing.  That is not how other "medical" doctors record.  She must have flunked that class.

 

Note to self:  Get records from her someday.  Even if I have to pay.  Just so I can piecemeal this journey a bit more accurately someday.  Assure her/them I won't be suing.

[manymoretodays]

I have prolonged discontinuation syndrome........PDS.  I need another less big term to use if I ever get out of here and someone asks? 

 

Health related issues with a bit of crazies?

 

Some kind of short form explanation.

 

Doing okay with whey protein isolate and green powder in my greek yogurt, spinach, banana, applesauce, tomato and cranberry juice concoction.  I try for 2 blender fulls at least.  I also have leftover take out pizza and cheesy bread.  No......wait........they are the only delivery available.  I have not gotten out yet really. 

 

Sipping mag. citrate in water.  And drinking pedialyte again.  Sheesh, it's a real party in paradise today.

 

Weird morning.  Totally grey.  Inversion yuck I think more than clouds.  Thankful it got sunny and blueskies.  Very achy today.  Tears once.  Bottom out horror and fear briefly.  Off and on the internet which I had wanted to do less of but I can't seem to stay with anything else.  I'll try a bath with a pen and paper.  It sure would be nice to be able to get lost in writing.  Ooooh, music time still coming up too!

[Altostrata]

Adverse reaction to some medications.

[manymoretodays]

Ah yes.  The logical answer.     Works for me. 

 

ARSM= Adverse Reaction to Some Medication.  I have Arsome.  Suitably ugh sounding such as it is.

[manymoretodays]

Furnace out.  Calls made.  Gas fireplaces on.

 

I told them to wait until after noon here.  I hope I can shower and get dressed and be somewhat collected in time.  Gives me three and one half hours.

 

The sun is coming up and it appears to be blue skies today.

[manymoretodays]

Nice work men.  Same guys as last time.  I am going to do both systems A/C and furnace.  Big chunk of money down and then payments forever or not.  No penalty for paying off the balance early.

 

Told them I was having acute reaction to some medication though.  I forgot adverse.  And threw in for good measure that I was emotional.  They already know I am not scary nor a safety threat.  Hugged them when they left.

 

I mean what else can I do? 

 

I have no safety fears nor being taken advantage of type thinking so that is good too.  Just generally feel like........no more outside sheet please.........as I am doing the best that I can with this inside sheet.  Have prayed the same........more respectful wording.

 

For whatever reason this all just keeps getting more and more difficult.  Although I realize and empathize with others here who have had it maybe even more difficult. 

[Fresh]

LOL @ ars 'em....that's the pharmaceutical companies , right?    

However tough it is , you're doing it.

You are coping , and it's going to keep improving.  

 

 

[manymoretodays]

Arsome.  Adverse reaction to some medication.  And very sick.

 

Ugh.  Insomnia.  And knowing I got taken for a ton of interest with this "payment" plan for my furnace and air.  My savings dwindles.

 

And sheesh.........already grieving the associate..........when I should just function somewhere between here and normal. 

 

I pretty much want the star for "worst case" of withdrawal ever.

 

I don't care if I remember how excruciating this is anymore.  I want all memories of this time in my life erased.  And some notable healing within the next week.

 

My cat, of course, is an emotional wreck at this time as well.

[ang]

Yup.  I took a crumb today of the Adderal.  Maybe another at one pm or so.   Short acting tablets.  The rest, mixing, syringes, etc. is far too much for now.

 

I talk once in awhile on the phone.......daily calls with a friend.......don't know what to ask for or prioritize and often the tears start.  Maybe a stop in by son today.  Hanging in as best I can....... occasional moments of hope or clarity......they don't last long enough to do much more with self care.  I find stuff to read on the internet.  I watched tv the other day.  Back to main goal.......no psychiatric hospitalization.

 

Very difficult.  My weight is dropping......? if hair is falling out when I washed it last night.  Not tolerating much food......upset stomach or further wipe out mentally. 

 

A couple more bills to take care of.  Nothing is easy these days.  More out of bed than in I think.....not sure.

 

Thank you.

Hi Many more todays,   this is only as far as I have got through your thread,  and so wonderful to know you are feeling a bit better,  you wrote on my thread, thankyou.                 Anyways, as for hair falling out,  I now believe I moult in Summer,  it is late summer here, and second year, my hair is falling out..............  I absolutely believe it happens for me every year,  I moult!!     Having long hair, and not brushing and caring for it, well it ends up everywhere, instead of the damn hairbrush!  Still reading your posts,   you seem about 6 months after me, in everything, ie giving up most of the pills...............             so I hope I can give you hope, that when I feel well, you know you may only have to hang on another 6 months, for the same.....................           I been on most pills since 1995, long periods off of them also,          but for some reason?  once you been on a psych pill, you go to a doctor a gp for so much as a headache, and they love them pills................ for years I believed some pills just didnt work for me... not their fault,                     now I know these pills dont work for lots and lots of people, and now 30 years after the ""wow" we can fix you lack of serotonin, yet again it is found, that these doctors, and pharmas, are just lying pricks, who have all but destroyed most of us......

 

Wish you strength,  sounds like you understand pharma etc, a bit....... i worked in pathology etc, so I understand a bit, makes it so much harder that I believed these bastards, against my own instinct.

[ang]

I made it through your thread, hope I didnt miss too much.........          As for workmen,   damn telling them anything, just say you havent been very well lately............. thats all I say, and damn they understand that, dont we all???/  dont feel you have to explain yourself..............

 

You did well sorting all that out!

 

As for your son, he is 23?             Damn it my son is 18,   he has to look after himself, forget the guilts, your son is 23............   dont take on stuff you cant handle.....

 

I dont.........  I learnt that much!

Stay off the pills if you can, you are doing damn well, you may not see it, but you are.....................

 

hugs to you............   geez, you brush your teeth?  I did today too, havent done that for 6 weeks!      hahaha,   errr   yuckkk!                    

[manymoretodays]

You seriously read it all?  You have good focus.  Mine has not returned but I think it is improving a tiny teeny bit.  I want to try the oil maybe.  I don't think this last bit of oxcarbazepine(trileptal) is any good for me now but I have to bridge coming off it with something.  I think that should be my next plan.

 

Full hygiene measures yesterday.  Today I can slack off.  My hair is doing okay I think now......needs color again, but nothing horrible as far as losses.  Easy to start obsessing over everything though.  I do usually have once a year when I feel like I have to exfoliate or something.  Itchy skin, dead skin, etc.  Kind of in that phase.

 

Sunday, Sunny out, Superbowl Sunday, and Sunday today............SSSSsssssssssss..............not so bad.

 

I know Ang,  it is just still so fresh of a wound to have him gone.........only a week.  I miss him.  We were making each other miserable though.  We'll try again at a later date probably.  Such a painful thing though.  He is the accomplishment I am the most proudest of sometimes.  Most of the time.  The rest pales by comparison.  

 

I have to kind of shelf it alot.  Give him completely to God and the Universe and know he will be okay.  Nothing practical I can do.

 

New furnace stress of today over and done with too.  It wasn't so bad.  I just have to get over the financial stress now.........and fears brought on by that.  How am I ever going to get out of this house if things keep breaking down?

 

The space heater fan noise drove me bonkers last night too!

 

Yes on a little understanding of the pharmacology........not so good now but can grasp some key points of the idiocy of it most times.

 

Overall eating is going better I think.  I will dare to weigh in in another couple days.  I just got a nice Sunday dinner from angel Merlene.   I am trying really hard for 2 large blender fulls of good stuff a day.  Funny to see one of my first journal entries before I got off the Adderal.  That was the end of last May.  That makes it almost 9 mos. out.  Yay.  About 16 months post Lexapro too.  I have no choice but to continue.  This is tough stuff to endure.  Trying to figure out what I am learning that will stick..........I mean the good stuff about this all.........who I am becoming.

[manymoretodays]

I made it through your thread, hope I didnt miss too much.........          As for workmen,   damn telling them anything, just say you havent been very well lately............. thats all I say, and damn they understand that, dont we all???/  dont feel you have to explain yourself..............

 

You did well sorting all that out!

 

As for your son, he is 23?             Damn it my son is 18,   he has to look after himself, forget the guilts, your son is 23............   dont take on stuff you cant handle.....

 

I dont.........  I learnt that much!

Stay off the pills if you can, you are doing damn well, you may not see it, but you are.....................

 

hugs to you............   geez, you brush your teeth?  I did today too, havent done that for 6 weeks!      hahaha,   errr   yuckkk!                    

 

 

The attempt to explain myself to them actually worked in my favor I think.  Chad was near tears.  Wes, who came today seems to think I possess some intelligence and I am like his real mother.  Lol.  It's social.  Short term distant relationships.  Practice.  Wes also said to call him if I need anything as he is one town over.  Not that I will but nice sentiment.

 

I attempted to explain how to live among the locals, as he is new to it all...........as far as from how I have learned to.  He asked.   Made me feel respected.  Not sure how well I did.  I am in a county that is very hard to explain other than that one county over is very different and diverse.  It's an art form that both supports me and then confuses me.  One relative of my ex thought when I had so much trouble that it was due to this place.  It is somewhat.  But I will learn to be me and be strong and confident in who I am without blame on others.  Hard to explain of course.  And I am still morphing into who I am now.  Stage 2 or something.........

[manymoretodays]

Furnace in.  More to come along those lines but the furnace is done.

 

Lost it a little with an online comment I could not take back.  Will eat crow for a few days I think.  How do Aussies or Brits say that?  It basically means humble myself.  I will not apologize though.......just feel foolish.  Humbled that I am not there yet.  Maybe will never be perfect.......I mean I know I won't but it smarts.  Just pride.

 

It forced me, the furnace replacement and the workers coming and all........to do full hygiene, dress, even took a very short walk.  Man my muscles are sore and body weak.  Frankly......pretty sick of my new short term furnace and A/C friends.  Stressed by the expense and now dwindling savings.  Put some down and the rest is in payments......$93.00/mos.........not exorbitant interest but still.  I don't like having debts. as my income is pretty fixed.

 

The television that I thought was a goner yesterday was an easy fix.......by one of my short term furnace replacement friends.  So that's nice.  I guess.

 

With what I put down I could have taken a rather nice vacation or two.  Oh well......probably not up to a vacation by myself.  And would not have taken a vacation for that much money.  Such is my life.   Will go see my Mom probably late March or April if I am up for that.  The ocean?   Not there.  Doesn't matter.  Sick of this.  Just venting.

 

Hopefully getting a few pounds on, getting more in......2 blender fulls and then pasta and bread tonight.  By evening I can tolerate more.  Or even have an appetite at all.  Withdrawal anorexia anyone?

 

I seem to come around okay by mid afternoon and now realize the value of a nice bath or shower and getting dressed everyday.  Maybe I can force my way out of what has mostly been depression.  Complicated by stress I have no control over.  Christmas, the Associate, darn furnace.

 

Therapy tomorrow.  I may actually go.  Afternoon appointment.

 

Hopefully more human tomorrow.

 

The associate is okay. 

 

Hoping to get back to clearance action at least and cleaning with that ultimate goal of getting out of this house......moving.

 

I could also, if things get better inside me.......put in for a housekeeping job at the resort..........turn down type thing for the rooms.  Only 4 hours on Sat. and Sun. and later in the day shifts.  Available also for when they have events and things.  I think the job is open until March 1st.  Might as well try again.  My persistence may pay off.  Could go into town for the next conference planning for Peers too.......I think they are meeting now almost weekly.

 

And shoot......I have to get ski ing at least once this year.

 

Rambling.

 

Thanks.

[AliG]

Hi Many.       I hope things get better soon.

Love, Ali

[manymoretodays]

Thanks.  I still think I can try to drive my car to therapy.  The smog and diversity of the other county would be healing. 

 

Will see how long this lasts........it may be a passing thought only but I will try to make a mental list of all the steps involved in that with timeframes of completion.

 

Only problem is I don't want to miss the associates stop by.  That's probably a bit codependent of me but so be it.

 

  (just wanted to try those out)

 

A dilemma.

[AliG]

Many.     Why would you think you couldn't drive ?  What symptoms are you having ?   You can't just wait for your son , to drop by . Get him to text you , and let you know . You've got to look after yourself, here, even if it feels selfish ! It isn't !

Hugs, Ali

[manymoretodays]

It's been awhile since I drove is all.  I still have to put the registration sticker on the plate.  Will have to charge it........the battery.  Also I should check the oil.  Go get more oil in case it's low.

 

Yes......you're right.  The associate will probably just lay about after work and be here when I get home anyway.  He doesn't always keep his phone minutes paid for.  I don't need full hygiene measures for therapy.  He drank pretty much a full 12 pack with his last fiasco.......I counted them when I got the trash out.  He wouldn't dare!  I got the trash out and cleaned the darn cat box. 

 

I probably overdid yesterday........

 

Who knows what I will do.  I have to let the guys in to put back the furnace area door back on too.

 

And eat.

 

Nice day.  If the deer hadn't ate so much of the bushes I could sit on the front porch for a bit.  I probably still have good enough privacy though.

 

Whittled it down to just get out of the house for now.........do a little hygiene as well.......it helps the nasties to like myself enough to do that.

[AliG]

M.      Maybe your son could help you with some of this . ( car stuff) !   You do make me laugh - "  if the deer hadn't eaten so much of the bushes, you could sit on the porch ! "  

You wanted to know Aussie words. We call it the veranda. There's a song about it. I'll get back to you on that.    In the meantime, take good care of yourself.

Ali

[manymoretodays]

Strange synchronicity perhaps.  I got a call from the pharmacy that my script was ready.  I did not call one in.  I forgot to ask who called it in.  It was for the trileptal.  I still have plenty at home, as well as refills.

 

Will try 75mg. am dose in addition to the 75mg. in the evening that I have been taking.  Up the dose after a couple of days if no better.

 

Do my best with intake and distractions.

 

I do admit, I need something.  Hoping it helps.  Praying it helps. 

 

Seems a good option.

 

Not easy to do this........the protracted withdrawal.........on my own.

[brassmonkey]

Hi MMT-- I would be very careful about doubling your dose of  trileptal especially if you're still drinking.  It does not play well with alcohol and could cause some serious problems.

[manymoretodays]

I haven't been drinking at all brass monkey.   Not on a daily basis big time like I think you may have done.

 

Or very little........ say in the past month.  2 3.0 beers once.  And one another time.  My main AA quest was for a program of some type.  Get free of the herb.  I will get back there sometime.  I swore off hard alcohol years ago.  Had a couple shots of tequila well over a year ago though. 

 

I have to say.......this mellow feels good from the 75mg. so far.  At least it's not an AD or anti anxiety med.   Tomorrow I will try a bit less in the AM.  

 

Hopefully I can get to the point where I can go to the liquid form later to wean it........do it the right way.

 

I don't know if you know but I am rarely out these days nor cognitively equipped enough to get to a Dr. or order online stuff, etc.  Mostly working on eating and sleeping.   Getting through some major system redos in my home..........adjusting to my associate being gone again.  Just generally doing real poor for over 2 mos. now.

 

I don't work.  I don't have much support in this whole endeavor other than them saying they support me.  I am generally not feeling real strong and am just surviving now.  The symptoms have been intense.

 

I really needed the break.......some inner calm.

 

I know you mean well.  And don't have time for my full story and a lot of reading of each older introduction to catch up all the time.  Appreciate what you do.

[brassmonkey]

Just being concerned, with the talk of AA, and associates and such I lost track of the thread.  I know you've been having a tough time of it lately and was trying to keep it from getting worse.  I'm glad it is helping you to feel better.

[manymoretodays]

Short lasting relief.  Went to tears and losing the numb of the trileptal after only a few hours.  It's okay.  I understand your concern. 

 

Just lost in my head so much.  And this is the world wide web. 

 

Humbling to say the least.

 

They are out of here.......finally..........expected them on Thursday, not today..........I suppose that's when things got more difficult.