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Hibari

Hibari: tapering Remeron and want to start tapering Lamicatal

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Hibari

So I had my first window last night in many months.   

 

It lasted from about 8:30PM onward till bed.   The day had started out badly, not as intensely bad as the worst days.   I've read before how healing shows up sometimes as things being less excruciating and more just horrible.   Then I slowly started to shift and while I was not in a normal state of mind, I was more normal than I had been in a long time.    Still lots of crying throughout the day but I've come to accept that more.  

 

I was able to sleep a bit but woke up choking a bit due to my eating late at night.   I still felt all right and then work with bang this morning.

 

I have been incredible angry, more in the rage category and also grief.     Very agitated and hyper, not knowing what to with myself.   Then,  after I took my morning dose of meds, I found myself even more hyper, dizzy and nauseous.   I think my body as it heals in it's crazy erratic way is telling me that even the small dose of reinstatement medication may be moving towards being too much.  

 

And while today is still difficult, there is a different quality to the difficulty.   I am more clear in my mind and the observer in me, who has been very overwhelmed the past few weeks, is able to notice the difference.  

 

I'm not making any changes except to shift my nighttime dose to earlier in the day.    I want to see if more window appear, which will let me know that I am getting better. 

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Rabe

Oh Hibari...I am SO grateful to read what you wrote!!!  You must feel a bunch of hope today and relief, knowing what is on the other side!!!  Hugs and love to you!  You are incredible!!💜

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DMV64
3 hours ago, Hibari said:

So I had my first window last night in many months.  

Yay! So glad you had a window!

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Altostrata

Please note that rage and grief may be revving up your nervous system. It's a two-way street, you can make your symptoms worse by diving into the drama of negative emotions. Although your circumstances are difficult, you need to do your best to stay calm and allow your nervous system to settle down.

 

I was always dubious about your fast escalation from 0.25mg lamotrigine per day to 0.40mg. It is consistent with your tendency to impulsively increase drug dosage; despite our lengthy discussions about this, you persist in believing more is better. The 36 pages of your topic contain many arbitrary increases and decreases in dosage. Please consider whether you want to sabotage your recovery.

 

Yes, if you got a window, please continue to keep daily notes to see if 0.40mg per day is appropriate for you. Only you can gauge its effects; you need to stand back and look at your symptoms as a neutral observer. If you find 0.20mg activating in the morning as well as the evening, perhaps your overall daily dosage is too high.

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Hibari
27 minutes ago, Rabe said:

Oh Hibari...I am SO grateful to read what you wrote!!!  You must feel a bunch of hope today and relief, knowing what is on the other side!!!  Hugs and love to you!  You are incredible!!💜

Thank you Rabe. 

The thing is I feel an mix of both hope and fear.  I think because I haven't had a string of windows makes me still fearful. 

On some level I know that makes sense.  How could I possible trust I will get better when there has only been this one night and a subtle shifting of symptoms.  

But I did feel better and even though I am back to being weepy as the day goes on, I know something is shifting.

 

I feel your kindness and support of me.  

 

 

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Altostrata
Hibari
22 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Please note that rage and grief may be revving up your nervous system. It's a two-way street, you can make your symptoms worse by diving into the drama of negative emotions. Although your circumstances are difficult, you need to do your best to stay calm and allow your nervous system to settle down.

 

I was always dubious about your fast escalation from 0.25mg lamotrigine per day to 0.40mg. It is consistent with your tendency to impulsively increase drug dosage; despite our lengthy discussions about this, you persist in believing more is better. The 36 pages of your topic contain many arbitrary increases and decreases in dosage. Please consider whether you want to sabotage your recovery.

 

Yes, if you got a window, please continue to keep daily notes to see if 0.40mg per day is appropriate for you. Only you can gauge its effects; you need to stand back and look at your symptoms as a neutral observer. If you find 0.20mg activating in the morning as well as the evening, perhaps your overall daily dosage is too high.

 

Hi Alto,

 

The rage I felt this morning was not something I went looking for.  It swept over me like a neuro emotion and it felt very much like a nervous system reaction.  I took a walk and talked it out with a friend.  The grief has been my backdrop and I let it out as much as I can. I accept that it's part of my healing.  

I dont consciously want to sabotage my recovery.  My fear and pain is probably what drives me to increase dosage, trying to find relief. I understand now that more is not always best.  

 

But I have been consistent with the divided doses since we  last interacted.  

 

I will be gauging how my body reacts since I had that window.

 

This mornings  hyperness was new. I haven't had that reaction in quite awhile.  So I am going to watch both doses.  

 

And as per your suggestion, I will be taking my night time dose earlier. Then if I continue to get agitated, drop it to 0.10.   I will wait at least a week to see how that feels. 

 

I will check back in with you of both doses agitate me to see what I should shift after that.  

 

Thank you. 

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Altostrata

That sounds good, Hibari.

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Hibari
1 hour ago, Altostrata said:

That sounds good, Hibari.

Thanks again. 

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Hibari
1 hour ago, DMV64 said:

Yay! So glad you had a window!

Me too.  

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wantrelief

Hi Hibari - I was so happy to read that you experienced a window.....that is really wonderful news!  I also wanted to thank you for your post on Rabe's thread.  I too experience a lot of fear and what you said was really helpful to me. Also, I have gone up and down a lot through the years with my medications so it was reassuring to know Baylissa thinks there is still hope for healing under those circumstances. I hope more windows appear for you very soon!  Hang in there, Hibari.

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Hibari
14 hours ago, DMV64 said:

Yay! So glad you had a window!

Me too.  

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Hibari

So after my post about experiencing some changes, I am now on a very bad state.

 

Acute wd with shaking, physical tension and mental anguish.  

 

There could be so many things causing it but I find i dont  have a lot of strength to tolerate it today.  I'm going to take my morning medication dose but if I don't get relief, I will have to take something.

 

I have to keep myself out of the hospital and of taking something stronger than cbd oil, keeps me out then I have to make that choice.  

 

This is just intolerable today and I dont have it in me to keep pushing through without some help for my system.  

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Hibari

I've taken some magnesium earlier and now taking some more CBD oil. 

 

My morning dose of 0.20 mg made me feel speedy.

 

Suffering greatly today.  

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wantrelief

Oh I am so sorry, Hibari.  If you can, hold on to the positive changes you did experience, they are signs that your brain is working to stabilize.  I know how you felt during that window seems far from how you are feeling now but the fact that you did experience that calm is good.  I am holding your hand in spirit and sending positive thoughts - WR.

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Hibari
24 minutes ago, wantrelief said:

Oh I am so sorry, Hibari.  If you can, hold on to the positive changes you did experience, they are signs that your brain is working to stabilize.  I know how you felt during that window seems far from how you are feeling now but the fact that you did experience that calm is good.  I am holding your hand in spirit and sending positive thoughts - WR.

 

Thank you WR.  I'm so sick today. 

I'm back to the awful choice of whether to take a low dose of Valium. 

 

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Rabe

Oh Hibari I am so thinking about you!!!  I am grateful you did have a window...at least it allowed you to see what can be.  I hope that you will be able to ride this wave out into the next window.  You are so so strong and resilient!  Its incredible!!  HUGSSSS to you!!! 💜

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Hibari

So far I haven't taken any other medication today to help with these withdrawal symptoms but it's been a very hard day.

 

I have talked with a friend, watched a webinar, spoken to my therapist and basically hung on by my fingernails.

 

Each time this happens, I say, maybe tomorrow will be different.   That's what I'm looking, a day of real relief where I can really notice things are changing. 

I think then, even if I was hit by another day like today( and it would hurt), I would feel more confident that I will heal. 

 

Everyone around me says I am healing and that I will heal.  But when I am suffering like I am today, those words are things I just say to myself but don't completely believe.

 

Can't even get my logs together but I will later. 

 

 

 

 

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Altostrata

If I were you, I'd reduce both the morning and evening doses to 0.15mg, for a total daily dose of 0.30mg.

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Hibari

Okay Alto. 

 

Since I've already had 0.20mg this morning can I just take 0.10 tonight? 

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Rabe

Im with you today Hibari...very hard day...I am so sorry you are struggling so!!  My heart is with you...wish I could give you a big hug...consider this one from afar!!  💜

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dj2010
13 hours ago, Hibari said:

I've taken some magnesium earlier and now taking some more CBD oil. 

 

My morning dose of 0.20 mg made me feel speedy.

 

Suffering greatly today.  

 

Be careful with the CBD oil, if use the wrong type then it is stimulating for the nervous system, I was using it for over 6 months thinking it was helping but it wasn’t until I stopped it completely that I realised it was causing problems

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