Iapologize Despneedhope

[Iapologize]

Dear folks at SA. I am in desperate need of help and as you will read, I have a very unique situation and I am very terrified and I cannot seem to begin to handle what has been happening in my life.

I am scared to death to type what I am about to, for fear of rejection and being cut off from the only source of help that I believe might be able to get me through this. Many years ago, I was on this site and I had some disagreements with AltoStrata.

I say to you dear woman, PLEASE, PLEASE, I am begging you to forgive me for whatever I said. Please understand that it was not me that said whatever I said. It was the nasty Nardil that I was on.

Again I sincerely apologize from the bottom of my heart for anything I said to offend you and I ask for your forgiveness. I will never forget how you told me that an artist named David was on Nardil for many years and he killed himself.

This has haunted me ever since and now that I have been off Nardil for about 8 and a half months after over twenty years, I have been and am terrified that I am next.

I feel that I am in this thing all by myself because out of all the hundreds of wonderful people that are on here, I don't think their is one person who is going through Nardil withdrawal and this has terrified me.

I have tried to convince myself that my withdrawal is the same as all of you people's withdrawal but in the back of my mind, I feel that I might be this isolated, irreversible situation that their is no hope for.

This terror I feel at the moment has me typing this letter in a last ditch effort to somehow get through this overwhelming situation I got myself into. When I was thirteen years old, my mother betrayed my father and she had me keep it a secret from him. I was devastated.

I drank and smoked pot until I was eighteen. After this I was tried on every tricyclic, Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft and other medicines. None worked for me.

Then I tried Nardil,It worked great. Over the next twenty something years, I would go from 175lbs. to 295lbs.. I developed a constant nausea. Before Pfizer bought the medicine from Park Davis in 2003 I was on the max dose of 90mg..

When Pfizer bought it and changed the formulation, I had to go to 150 mgs to get the same effect. After about twenty two years, I felt I could not live in the body it created for me any more.

I needed to get off it. The weaning process was horrible. I got down to to 45mgs(three 15 mg tablets)over about two years give or take.

The last three tablets I could not seem to do on my own so I went to the Alternative to meds Center in Sedona Arizona and they tapered me 1/4 tablet a week for a total of twelve weeks.

They had me in the sauna five days a week and were giving me "conjigators" and "Chelators" to "detox" me off the medicine. It seemed to go pretty well and so I came back to California and started to exercise every day and eat very well.

The first two months I was not so well but I had some brief windows that kept me hopeful. At about three months I had a few horrible waves that scared me where I felt very depressed but not so much anxious.

At about seven and a half months I started having some extreme anxiety/panic attacks but I want to point out that I believe that these panic attacks were brought on by the fact that I had been getting such strong bouts of depression that it causes me to start thinking that I cannot go on living in this horribly depressed state of mind so I would go into an intense panic.

As I said, I am terrified that I am some how different than all of you and that my situation is different or worse. Please do not tell me that Nardil is a different situation, even if it might be. This will surely through me over the edge and I will give up for sure.

I recently signed up for a partial hospitalization so I could distract myself by being around other people with depression. The only problem is, every other person in the groups are on an antidepressant or Benzo and I am the odd ball, non compliant patient because I am not taking medicine.

I am having a very tough battle as the waves seem to be getting longer or at least staying the same and lately I am having less if any windows. Again this causes me to panic.

I have never had agoraphobia but I'm starting to develop it. I do go to the grocery store but I am very uncomfortable and it has become more difficult for me to get there and it is a big thing to have to go to the store.

I get little to no pleasure in anything I do.

I also have major apathy that seems to be lasting and not getting better and before I ever started these meds, I truly was a very emotional guy with a huge heart for people. I always offered a helping hand to everyone I could and I loved doing it.

I was also a big cat lover and I had cats my whole life until about ten years ago. These past few days I have been going through these intense feelings of terror and fear as I pace the living room floor in panic, thinking and believing that there is no way out of this and my brain and nervous system is not repairing.

I was taking fish oil and magnesium but I recently stopped taking it or i just take it occasionally because if I happen to be in a depressed mood and then I take a fish oil capsule and I get worse or have anxiety I blame it on the fish oil and that scares me away from it.

I also called Dr. Breggin many many times as he says he offered phone counseling but he would never return my call. I want to mention that if any of the moderators would be interested in a phone friend I would pay very well for this.

I feel very alone with this. I do have a therapist that believes in being medicine free but as most therapists, he has never actually had the experience that most of you have had.

I am desperately asking for any advice and help you may have. Thank you all.

[Altostrata]

Hello, iapologize.

 

I remember you very well.

 

We can offer no easy remedies for prolonged withdrawal syndrome. Nardil withdrawal syndrome is the same as any other antidepressant withdrawal syndrome, recovery is very slow and can take some time.

 

See the Symptoms and Self-Care forum for suggestions about how to reduce symptoms http://tinyurl.com/3hq949z

 

See this list of doctors http://tinyurl.com/7cp8l8vI recommend you see one that's near you.

[Iapologize]

Thank you so much for responding to me Altostrata. I respect you very much and I always have. I look at you as a very large authority figure. Just hearing you say that Nardil withdrawal is like any other withdrawal gives me a hope. Again, I am extremely sorry for anything I said that was not good.

[mammaP]

I had nardil many years ago and it made me very very ill, so had to stop it over about 4 days. That time the doctors were aware of withdrawal and had me stay in hospital for 3 weeks after in case I had withdrawal.  My kidneys were not functioning and I was getting bigger and bigger with fluid retention, and going yellow. I put on 5 stone in 3 months and they kept telling me I was overeating! 

 

The withdrawal was the same as the seroxat withdrawal but didn't start until some weeks after stopping and after I had gone home.  It went on for a long time but had the windows and waves. It was no worse than other withdrawals but at that time I didn't know about withdrawal and had tests for MS and other illnesses which of course always came back ok.  

 

This will get better,  but will take time, we all know what you are going through, we are all in varying stages so you are not alone.

[Iapologize]

Thank you MammaP

[bluebalu86]

Hey I

 

I can relate to what you are describing. I also feel terror and panic that I will not recover. It's very hard to go through this. If you ever need to talk I'm here. I know how hard it is. Can you fill out your signature with your drug history? How long have you been off the meds? From what I understand it can take a couple of years to get better, which is very disheartening, but I think we have to accept that this is the situation we're now in and we have to hold on and wait til it gets better. 

[Iapologize]

I will try and put my history down. How do I get to my signature? Thanks

[bluebalu86]

You need to find your user name (it's on the top right corner of the page), click on it > my profile > edit my profile > signature. 

[Iapologize]

Ok. Thank you.

[bluebalu86]

I didn't understand why you think your situation is very different from that of other people here? We have all taken different meds. I'm taking a med that most people haven't heard of because apparently it is prescribed in my country only and several other countries. Yet I don't think I'm that different from other people in here. Meds are meds. They do similar damage. 

[Iapologize]

I'm so glad you say this.

 

Nardil is an old drug that is referred to as an MAOI. It is rarely used as a last resort(it is very effective!) because of the potential deadly side effects when combined with other drugs and certain foods, alcohol, etc.

 

It also may have some amphetamine like properties. Doctor's don't like to prescribe it because of this and they don't have the experience with it that my, now 80 yr old doctor has with it.

 

In the wrong hands it can kill you. In the right hands it is pretty safe. So with that, their is only a handful if any people on line that I can draw feedback from on their withdrawal experience from this potentially dangerous drug.

 

I have had to assume that it is similar to all the other drugs but when I was and am going through horrific withdrawal, I was starting to believe that this drug was different and it fried my brain and nervous system.

 

Also when I came on here several years ago, still on the drug, Altostrata informed me that a famous Artist, David Wallace took it for 22 years and hung himself. This haunted me ever since. Hopefully I can get through this.

[bluebalu86]

I see.

 

From what I've seen on this forum, people who have taken the same drug have very different withdrawal experiences. And sometimes people who have taken completely different classes of drugs have very similar experiences. Everything is very individual. I'm sorry that you are being haunted by the story of that man, the artist, but you are not him. You don't share his destiny. You are you. Your body and your brain are your own and you are a unique individual. Your capacity to heal is as good as anyone else's on this forum. It will be very difficult but you'll make it. Armor yourself with tons of patience. Time is our best friend. I'm here if you ever need to chat. I spend my days on the forum as I can't do much right now. I relate to your feelings of depression and severe anxiety. I think d-r Bach flower essences are helping me a little, maybe you can try them? I have the ones that are for emergencies - "rescue remedy". They are very mild and gentle. I wish you the very best of luck and remember that even though this is a very hard journey, you're not alone, we're all in this together and will help each other along the way. You are a unique individual, but at the same time you are a human being just like everyone else here. It doesn' matter what drugs you took. Our experiences are similar and we will support each other. Acceptance, patience, treating yourself with kindness and compassion is the best remedy. Best of luck my friend, sit tight and hold on 

[Iapologize]

You are very nice. I appreciate your kind words. Thank you. This is damn tough!

[Iapologize]

Let me share something with you if I may.

 

This withdrawal is really having a major effect on my life I am 51 so I have some other health issues regardless of how well I've tried to take care of myself.

 

I have had a problem with lower back pain because of an old injury. I'm having problems with a frequent urge to urinate. If these were the only problems I had and I wasn't withdrawing, I could tackle these things like a normal person with a stable mind.

 

But with the withdrawal, these problems seem like major catastrophes. I feel like I'm losing my life and my health.

 

A neurologically anxious body that has been bombarded by strong chemicals just don't heal like a person's body that has not been poisoned for so many years.

 

What makes it even harder is the major depression, apathy and adhedonia that comes right along with this package. What a mess. I never imagined myself to be in such a predicament.

[Pugknows]

Hi Iapologize. I feel very different than everybody else on the forum because nobody is in withdrawal from CT of my drug either. We're all here to help and encourage each other. I'm in California too. Hugs. Pug.

[Iapologize]

I am so scared because their is no one I can find who is withdrawing off this drug that I was on and their is allot of bad things posted on the internet about it. Any help please.

[mammaP]

You are not in danger from wihdrawal, the drug is dangerous but you are no longer taking it. It is hard to cope with withdrawal, from any drug, and at times it feels like you will never be well again but you will. Your brain and nervous system have to adjust and that is what they are doing.  Things will keep changing but things will get easier. Anxiety is part of withdrawal, we all feel it, and have to learn coping skills to get us through. 

 

I was taking nardil for only a few months and thought it was great, I didn't know about any amphetamine effect but it does not surprise me because I was on a high and very disappointed that it made me physically ill.  I can't remember how long withdrawal went on for, I was given more drugs which made me more ill so can't really say where the withdrawal ended and the adverse effects of other drugs began.I think it was about that time that I also had ECT so there was a lot going on and I was very ill.  You are not alone in this, everyone is in the same boat and clinging on for dear life to stop it sinking.  You have the advantage that you have not been given any other drugs to complicate things, and recover from just the nardil. It will be a roller coaster ride but hang on tight, don't listen to the terrifying thoughts and take each day as it comes. Remember that tomorrow is a brand new day and focus on anything that gives you pleasure or makes you smile, even just for a second, because that is a step forward. 

[Iapologize]

You are wonderful to write words like these. I was looking at your drug history. How are you doing now??

[Petunia]

Hi Iapologize,

There's no need to worry that your situation is different. Many of us here are experiencing the same symptoms and have the same concerns. Protracted withdrawal from all antidepressants, and most of the other psychiatric medications manifests in the same way. There is nothing special about Nardil withdrawal.

 

Spend some time reading through other members introduction topics and you will find a lot of similarities.

 

Previously, when you came to this site, you were still tapering. Did you manage to taper off completely back then? Did you then start taking it again?

 

Please would you clarify your history with some dates so we have a clearer understanding of what has happened over the last few years.

 

Petunia.

[Iapologize]

Yes I did taper off of it over about a year and a half when I was on it for about 18 years.

 

I can't remember the exact year. I was only off it for about six months and then started it up again due to a separation with my wife.

 

So then I took it for probably 2 or 3 more years and then started another taper lasting more than 2 years and that has brought me to being about 6 and a half months off. at present. This is only an approximation.

[Petunia]

Thanks for explaining that. It sounds like you have been tapering quite slowly, apart from at the end. Were you using the 10% per month method? What dose did you stop from?

 

How were you feeling throughout the tapering process?