GardeniaBlossom: 16 years on/ 8 months off

[GardeniaBlossom]

I was 24 when I went to the doctor with complaints of stomach upset, nausea, and fatigue. I was also experiencing grief from trauma. It was a stressful time in my life. The doctor diagnosed me with depression and anxiety. He prescribed Xanax and referred me to a psychiatrist. I remember falling into despair that day. The diagnosis and referral felt like a death sentence to me. On my way home from that visit to the doctor, I wept. That was 17 years ago.

 

Since then, I have been on more than 20 psychiatric drugs. Last year, while on 6 of them, (Klonopin, Zoloft, Brintellix, Protriptyline, Hydroxyzine, Trazadone). I decided I had had enough. For several years, I suspected the drugs were making me sick. I asked my physician and my psychitarist to help me get off them. The side effects were debilitating. I could not function, but no one would help me. I was so sick I could not do the research I needed to in order to figure out how to do come off them safely.

 

I used to be an artist. I was also a legal advocate who advocated for abused and neglected children in the court system. I dreamed of becomming a lawyer. Instead I became disabled and could no longer make art, something I had enjoyed for more than 30 years. It was as though the medications erased me. While this period of drug withdrawal has been the most difficult of my life, I catch glimpses of a self I remember and have missed, the person I was and thought was gone forever.

 

The few friends I have are from the past and do not live nearby. I struggle to keep in touch with them and often feel like a burden. My parents live in the same city I do. They have helped me out in many ways in the past, but they are weary and don't understand or appreciate what I'm going through. Our relationship has always been a difficult one. This period of withdrawal has made it even more difficult.

 

I have a new therapist who I hope will be helpful. I just started seeing her. So, I'm not completely sure yet. I have also met a handful of people who have also been through psychiatric drug withdrawal who I communicate with sporatically.  I started to make art again in the past couple of months. I have been taking photographs. They communicate the experience of undergoing this period of withdrawal.

 

The most difficult symptoms I've faced are extreme tiredness, impending doom, paranoia, difficulty communicating, brain fog, confusion, disorientation, lonliness, insomnia, aguish, and despair. It's very difficult to prepare food for myself. I often feel alone and guilty for needing the support I do.

 

Thank you so much for welcoming me here. I appreciate it.

[clearday]

Welcome -

 

Like most of us, it sounds like you've been through the mill with these drugs. 

 

While they do help many people, unfortunately they often take away too much from us, and in the end they damage our nervous systems to the point where it will take quite a long time to heal.

 

And shockingly, the doctors usually never inform us that these drugs can be so harmful and life-destroying.

 

Most doctors do not admit that withdrawal from these drugs can last for a a long time, and recovery often takes one to three years.

 

It's good that you found this website, it is full of valuable information to help you plan your life forward as you move away from these drugs.

 

Be aware that most doctors will try to push more medication on you to help you out of your current withdrawal situation. They will likely tell you that you are suffering from anxiety and depression and that only medications can help you out of it.

 

They are unaware that withdrawal from these medications is causing the majority of your symptoms. 

 

Your symptoms are very commonly reported among people on here who are in withdrawal from psychiatric medications.

 

A moderator should be along soon to discuss options as you move forward. Since you were on quite a few medications, and the taper was so fast, there may be options for you to try to reduce some of your withdrawal symptoms by reinstating small amounts of your prior medications. 

 

Or, perhaps your withdrawal situation now is tolerable, although difficult, and you plan to "ride it out", let your body heal, and stay away from these drugs for good.

 

Since you are off them around 9 months, then going back on them now may cause more problems than it is worth. It is hard to say, hopefully a moderator will have better suggestions for you.

 

Good luck -

[GardeniaBlossom]

Thank you, clearday. No, the doctors don't tell us about the negative effects of these drugs. I discovered when I reported them that my complaints were minimized and dismissed. It seemed obvious to me that the symptoms I've experienced throughout have been caused by the medications. They denied that. My psychiatrist admitted to know very little about withdrawal but didn't seem concerned enough to look for the information. Like you said, he believes the symptoms I experience are evidence of a relapse. He used to provide psychotherapy as well as prescribe medicine. Now, that I'm off the medication he doesn't seem to have much of anything to say to me at all.

 

I agree that medications seem to help some people, but I don't want anything to do with them ever again. They brought me the greater anguish I've ever endured. I trusted those doctors. I trusted the medicine. I did what I was told, and as a result I suffered deeply.

 

Thank you so much for your response. It means a great deal to me.

[Petunia]

Welcome GardeniaBlossom,

Thank you for sharing your story, I'm so sorry you have gone through this. It angers me that physical symptoms like fatigue and nausea get diagnosed as a mental illness by doctors, and then medicated with harmful drugs, but we see that all the time. If you were experiencing some grief, you should have been referred for counseling to help you work through it. Grief is a natural human reaction to loss, its not an illness.

 

Even though you did come off the drugs too fast, you are off them now and recovering and it sounds like you are starting to feel like your old self in some ways. As you have been off your medications for 8 months, and are still having symptoms, you are most likely in a state of protracted withdrawal. See: What is withdrawal syndrome?      We wouldn't recommend reinstating anything at this point.

 

Its good that you have been able to get back in touch with your art again, it sounds like you are beginning to feel better, you will recover, but it may take some time.

 

The best I can offer by way of advice is to listen to your body and avoid those things that set off symptoms as much as possible. Aside from a high quality fish oil and magnesium, avoid supplements. (See King of Supplements: Omega 3 Fatty Acids (Fish Oil) and Magnesium, Nature's Calcium Channel Blocker). They've been helpful to many of us.

 

Here is the link to our symptoms and self care section, you may find some useful ideas to help manage symptoms as you recover.  Especially read the topics pinned at the top.

 

Please feel free to write whenever you want, you will find a lot of friendly help and support here.

 

Petunia.

[Hudgens]

The Effexor changed my personality a great deal, and during and after (7 months now) a 4 year taper I've experienced everything you're experiencing, especially the confusion and brain fog. The good news is that my old personality is now completely back and the other symptoms are now sporadic and much more mild. Weather you cold turkey or do a slow taper you WILL recover completely eventually. I hope you are one of those who gets through relatively quickly, but as I said, either way, you'll be OK. The guilt and regrets are also so common in these things that's it would seem very unusual if it didn't happen-withdrawal exaggerates everything.  

[GardeniaBlossom]

Thank you, Petunia. I appreciate your kind feedback and support.

 

I have been taking fish oil supplements. I remember after I started taking them several months ago, I noticed an improvement. I tried using what's called Magnesium oil very soon after I stopped the medications. I developed a rash from it, but that may have been because my body was so sensitive at the time. I may be able to tolerate it now. Sometimes, I take Epsom salts baths. Maybe I will take more of those.

 

Thank you so much for your suggestions and the links!

[Pugknows]

Hi Gardenia, welcome.

 

I'm 7 months off CT and am having a rough go of withdrawal. We will support each other along this bumpy road and, hopefully, wave our pompoms in the air when the journey is over.

 

Please feel free to lean on all of us in the worst of times and keep the faith that we all eventually heal.

 

Love and hugs, Pug.

[GardeniaBlossom]

Hudgens,

 

Yes, they changed my personality, too! I had no idea how much until I came off them. Now, I've begun to realize how deep and widespread their effects were. It's incredible to me.

 

Sometimes, I think the confusion and brain fog are the worst symptoms, because if they didn't exist, I'd feel more intelligible. I might also be able to read more easily and just function better overall. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and offering your support. I appreciate it a great deal!

[GardeniaBlossom]

Thank you, Pugknows. I appreciate your support. I was told my too-fast taper was the equivalent of CT. It has been so rough. I had no idea it was going to be this hard for this long. Not knowing how long the withdrawal is going to take makes the process even more difficult. 

 

Thank you, again!

[Altostrata]

Welcome, GardeniaBlossom.

 

Are you still tapering Klonopin? What is your tapering schedule?

[GardeniaBlossom]

 

Welcome, GardeniaBlossom.

 

Are you still tapering Klonopin? What is your tapering schedule?

 

No, I ended that (too-fast) taper in August 2014. I came off 1 mg in 2 months. I have been completely off the  "medications" for 8 months.

[Altostrata]

Yes, you've got withdrawal syndrome. Time is the healer, look in the Symptoms and Self-Care forum for ways to soften the symptoms.

 

You can do this, have patience and take care of yourself.

[bluebalu86]

Hi Gardenia

 

Welcome to the forum. You're in good company here. Eventually you'll be fine, but it will be difficult and will probably take longer than you'd like. But you will recover. People recover from this. I wish you the best of luck in your recovery. I'm jealous of everyone who is off meds. I'm still on them and trying to taper. I did a much too fast taper of Cipralex, had to reinstate, and then I made an unsuccessful attempt to decrease the Flupentixol and am now back at square one. Wish I was off everything, like you. Hang in there. 

[GardeniaBlossom]

Thank you, Altostrata.

 

[GardeniaBlossom]

Thank you, bluebalu. I was so sick before I came off, I couldn't do the research I needed to taper. No one explained how to come off. So, I improvised. I remember not being able to read (or think) clearly at the time. I wanted those drugs out of my body as fast as possible.

 

I'm sorry to hear you're not able to be off them entirely yet but glad to read that you are somewhat stable.

[ten0275]

GB, hey.

 

Welcome to the site. Sorry circumstances have brought you here, but happy you found us. Like you, I was so sick prior to discontinuation that I essentially cold turkeyed my benzo. Everything was going too fast to do any sort of rational research. Doctors were telling me that it was impossible that I could be facing withdrawal symptoms and were advising me to go off my drugs very quickly. I felt like I was trying to solve an algebra equation while standing in a war zone. All I truly knew was that I wanted the drugs out of my body. Fast. As humans, it is a function of our aversion to noted poisons. I had no idea there was a better way to do it.

 

Time is the great healer. Almost cliche, but it really fits the withdrawal process. For those of us who have been polydrugged for vast periods of time, it (withdrawal and its correlating syndrome) is at once a time of intense fear and anguish, but also I feel a time to kindle the flames of curiosity and excitement. When I started having big windows and the waves of hellish suffering settled, I started to see someone I didn't recognize in the mirror. He looked beat up - at once new and old. It was me, essentially so, and I was a total stranger to myself. Like all strangers after first meeting, we've slowly come to know one another, to trust one another. We've developed collaborative bravery and new patience. Singular. And while I feel bad that I was buried under a blanket of pharmaceuticals for the vast majority of my life, I would not part easily with the joy I've found as more settled times have arrived, and ultimately prevailed.

 

So good you are doing art again. No matter what the medium, art is the most tactile connection between what is within and what is without. I hope you continue to progress.

 

THRIVE!

 

Hang in there,

 

Dave

[GardeniaBlossom]

Dave, Trying to solve an algebra problem in a war zone. Yes, exactly. That. I plan to print your message out for myself to read when I feel lost and scared and at my worst which is often these days. Thank you. A thousand times, thank you.

[btdt]

Welcome  

I am a long time drug user too 18 years from one to the other always trying to get off them... I use to dabble in art too loved it clay is my thing the one I can get lost in ...sit down and 8 hours later decide the bathroom is too far.. but I have to...finally give in... that was in the old days when my bladder was better lol. I have no formal training but seem to have a passion for falling in love with artist... always the starving ones

I did some writing while on drugs but a lot creativity left me for the most part except for art therapy which was not too creative really. 

 

So what is your most liked medium?  

 

I use to take a lot of pictures a few years back but can't get around like I once did. 

 

I am very impressed you have found other real live people who know what withdrawal personally... could you please tell me how you managed to find them? I am not sure I have the energy for such a thing right now but think it could be good, maybe. 

 

I hope the therapist is good if she doesn't know about withdrawal maybe she will learn from you. 

I wish you peace

[GardeniaBlossom]

Thanks, btdt!

 

I love drawing, but right now photography makes me the most sense to me. I don't have to purchase materials. (So, it's inexpensive.) The medium is self-contained. So, I don't make a mess that I then have to clean up once I've finished. I can work on creating images, and then when I need to put it away I can. It's also a fast process which allows me to bring an image I see to completion in a short space of time. I think, too, that the images are easy for people to relate to.

 

I mostly found people who've also been through withdrawal on the internet, a couple through youtube. They made videos about their own experience of withdrawal, and I reached out to them. One reached out to me. One I met by accident. I've also been telling friends what I am going through. One of them related an experience of a terrible episode he while on an AD. He never mentioned it to me until I felt comfortable telling him what I was going through. He wasn't on them for very long (a few months), but the experience taught him it was long enough. I was so relieved to hear that someone I knew and who knew me before the withdrawal also had experienced something along the same lines. Even though I was on medication for much longer, it comforted me to learn that I wasn't alone among the friends I had already established. 

 

This experience consumes so much time and attention. It's exhausting. That makes it difficult to reach out, make friends, and maintain relationships. I'm also learning how valuable a social support system is and how essential it is to my survival. I've been very shy all my life, but I'm looking forward to reaching out more when I recover.  I find even now that I'm making an effort to reach out to people in a way I wasn't able to in the past.

[btdt]

'his experience consumes so much time and attention. It's exhausting. That makes it difficult to reach out, make friends, and maintain relationships"

I can certainly second that.. tho it seems I am not doing anything at all.. I still have no energy and feel I could do even less well.  I have had friends in windows that I lost when a wave came as how do you explain .. no movie not walk... I don't want to talk on the phone please don't drop by .. I am too busy with my inactivity and my misery... yes... I really truly understand it completely. 

 

You know reading about your drawing reminded me I still have at least that around here... should I ever have any interest in it again.  Supplies for art being in the house is what got me thinking I could try it thanks to those couple of bfs... I did an oil painting one day and learned a hard lesson it gets muddy it must dry...lol you likely know that already.  Big mess that was painted over... but not by me.. I am not so good with paint but I did get to pick all the colors for a time when one artist partner who was very skilled but  color blind.. yes an artist that could not see color properly brown was read and various other colors were confused... I have to admit there is nothing quit as thrilling than to have a piece of art with colors you really love in your possession.. briefly before it was sold..   

 

I am glad you have been able to reach out I don't feel able to do that not yet at least.  I feel immobilized just now and paranoid at times... I am not sure why likely stress and steroids... I have had better times before so just waiting this one out and hoping it passes soon. 

peace 

[GardeniaBlossom]

btdt, I have to reach out when I feel up to it. Sometimes, I feel as though my life depends on it. Cultivating close relationships has never been something I've been skilled at doing. I think the dynamics in my family of origin left me ill-equipped. I feel immobilized and paranoid a lot of the time, too. It's nearly impossible for me to do anything productive when I feel that way.

 

I hope this difficult period passes for you soon. These periods seem like dark passages or corridors to healing to me. They often make me feel as though I'm walking on a rope bridge above a canyon or on the edge of a precipice. It's that scary. 

[GardeniaBlossom]

Right now the bed feels like the safest place to be.

 

I've had such a pretty awful day, just all around weird. I've been confused and irritable, uncomfortable since I woke up. Last night I didn't go to sleep at 8pm as I had planned. (I've been waking up at 4am. So, I adjusted my bedtime to 8pm to try and get a solid get 8 hours of sleep in if I can manage it. It seems to be working.) I woke up just after 2am and then fell back to sleep. Then, I woke up again a couple of times, but the next thing I knew it was light out and dawn had broken. I was thirsty all night.

 

When I woke up, I felt grouchy. I would like to remember to try and stay away from people as much as possible when I feel this badly. Otheriwse, I tend to get into emotional scuffles. For the most part I just can't seem to negotiate healthy interactions when I feel like this, especially ones that require an assertion and maintenance of my own boundaries. Interactions that require skill and social graces don't work either. It's strange. I feel like a awkward mess.

 

I have a hard time counting or doing any kind of math in my head. I lose track and of where I'm at and feel self-conscious. I take offense at things when people may just be asserting themselves. Their assertions strike me as critical. I feel very sensitive. I worry that people are watching me when I'm out like they can see through my skin and tell how weird I feel.

 

I've found in the past that sleeping when I feel this bad helps. So, I'm going to try that and see if that might work, but it's so close to my new bedtime.

[btdt]

" I worry that people are watching me when I'm out like they can see through my skin and tell how weird I feel.'

I used to feel like that in previous years early days on other drugs but not on effexor... I actually wrote a poem about it called " walk on... "

I am not sure what changed it maybe after being a stripper and having all those extreme exposure memories to deal with in wd.. walking outside in clothes just can't touch me any longer maybe that has just passed for me. 

 

I get the not being up to it.  Tho I have felt quite social off and on in wd I am not feeling it now at all.  Having others who are in wd could be an answer to that in a way as you don't have to do the fake happy fake interest fake wellness stuff... I don't know I don't know anyone like me. 

 

4am is a big deal or use to be for me and others on another site people were either waking up or going to bed at 4 am I did that dance off and on for years... sleep was a major problem now it is back hit and miss... and 4 am is a star topic again in my life... at this point it is not insomnia for days on end as it was then so I try to take it in stride... I don't recall the last time I slept more than 3-4 hours not lately... 

 

There is something about carcadian rhythm 

not sure it helps to know about it

1. Circadian rhythms are physical, mental and behavioral changes that follow a roughly 24-hour cycle, responding primarily to light and darkness in an organism's environment. They are found in most living things, including animals, plants and many tiny microbes. The study ofcircadian rhythms is called chronobiology.
2. there may be something on SA if you do a search.  
3. Lay low as long as need be... take good care of you. 
4. peace

[GardeniaBlossom]

Thank you, btdt.

 

Knowing other people going through withdrawal and communicating with them counts as socializing in my book. I'm noticing the 3-4 sleep cycles coming back, too. They were constant during the most acute phases of withdrawal I've experienced thus far. Somehow, I feel I'm still in one of the most difficult parts, being just barely 8 months off though. I used to use a binural beats app I found. There was a track on it that helped me fall asleep. Maybe I'll try that again.

 

Last night I woke up after sleeping about 4 hours, then couldn't fall back to sleep though I tried. I got up around 4 and drank some warm water with lemon and then an herbal tea, meditated, did Reiki, and then ate some breakfast. I was so tired afterward I decided to just go back to sleep for as long as I might need to, and it worked. When I woke up, I felt more clear and energetic. I ate lunch and now, again, I feel like going back to sleep. I'm not sure if that is a good idea or not, all this sleeping and waking at odd hours. My mind is unclear and the deep sadness has set in, again, along with suicidal ideation, regret, and worry. The only thing I really want to do right now is surrender to my body.

 

I appreciate your feedback. Thank you for making the effort.

[GardeniaBlossom]

Having so few internal and external resources right now, I find that focus is necessary. Focus is also one of my only options. It allows me to be present to my experience amidst what is often overwhelming dissociation. Making photographs helps me focus outward away from this experience of withdrawal and the discontinuation syndrome. It also allows me to process the withdrawal experience in a non literal form through visual images. Its a way of transmuting my suffering and creating meaning of it. Photography has become a language through which I can communicate the agony of withdrawal in metaphors. I have also been writing which allows me to express myself in a literal form which in some ways is more exact. Visual imagery can sometimes obscure meaning; it can also express feelings that I cannot communicate in words.

 

I had a handful of the images printed and received them in the mail, today. I'm so excited about seeing them printed I can hardly stand it! Even in my limited capacity and without the spectrum of emotion I'm accustomed to, it's thrilling to see my work in a tangible form rather than just in an electronic format. I created a positive outcome from this withdrawal experience, and I can look at it!

 

I did! It's SO EXCITING!

[GardeniaBlossom]

It is on days like today when I feel like a warrior. There was no window, but I have some hope and a little bit of energy. I was able to follow a recipe for the first time in about 10 months. So, I cooked myself some curry fish with mango and mint and ate it over basmati rice with sunflower sprouts. It feels like a triumph.

 

This is a song I have been listening to this past week that I feel comforted by. It's called "Pass in Time" by Beth Orton.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9CmUodjYuE

 

 

So much stays unknown till the time has come.
Did you imagine you could ever be so strong,
Then watch your fear just turn into relief?
Your sea of doubt become your own belief?
Though tears don't come to cry some grief away,
The tears will help to keep your need at bay.

So come on now, come on now, child.
You're here just a while.
Come on now, come on now, child.
You're here just a while.

A mother told me just before she died
My mother told me just before she died,
'oh darling, darling, don't you be like me.
You will fall in love with the very first man you meet.'
But mama, mama, some will never know;
The love that you have is still holding my soul.

So come on now, come on now, child.
You're here just a little while.
Come on now, come on now, child.
You're here just a while.

You're here just a while

Here just a while

So much stays unknown till the time you are strong.
Did you imagine you could ever feel so strong,
And all your pain just turns into relief?
All your doubt becomes your own belief?
Though tears don't come to cry some grief away,
The years will help to keep your need at bay.

So come on now, come on now, child.
You're here just a while.
Come on now, come on now, child.
You're here just a while.

So come on now, come on now, child.
You're here just a while.
Come on now, come on now, child.
You're here just a while.

You're here just a while

Here just a while

You're here just a while
You might as well smile,
You might as well smile,
'cause tomorrow, you just don't know.
It will pass. it's gonna pass.

Beth orton & terry callier :
It will pass in time.
It will pass in time.
It will pass.
It will pass in time.
It will pass in time.
It will pass.

It's gonna pass
It's gonna pass
It's gonna pass in time.

It will pass in time
It will pass.

It's gonna pass

It will pass in time.

It's gonna pass

It's gonna pass

[GardeniaBlossom]

My life is like a game of Shoots & Ladders. I keep returning to feeling like I did at the beginning during acute withdrawal. My body hurts; and a weight pushes me down; I can barely get out of bed. Earlier today, I was exhausted  and I hurt all over but wouldn't even try to sleep. Then, that was the only thing I could do. I made the room dark and cool and lay down. I surrendered and felt it all. I dreamed and then woke up a short time later to a reprieve. 

 

Then, I found this:

 

"The truth is you can't force an order on pain. You can't make it tidy and predictable. The stages of grief are a net thrown over a fogbank -- they help neither to define or contain it." Megan Devine

[GardeniaBlossom]

Loss of Vitality

a poem by Alice Walker

from Absolute Trust in the Goodness of the Earth

 

 

Loss of vitality
Is a sign
That
Things have gone
Wrong.

 

It is like
Sitting on
A sunny pier
Wondering whether
To swing
Your feet.

 

A time of dullness
Deadness
Sodden enthusiasm
When
This exists
At all.
Decay.

 

You wonder:
Was I ever “on”
Bright with life
My thoughts
Spinning out
Confident
As
Sunflowers?

 

Did I wiggle
My ears
& jiggle my toes
From sheer
Delight?

 

Is the girl
Grinning fiercely
In the old photo
Really me?

 

Loss of vitality
Signals emptiness
But let
Me tell you:
Depletion can be
Just the thing.

 

You are using
Have used
Up
The old life
The old way.

 

Now will rush in
The energetic,
The flexible,
The unmistakable
Knowing
That life is life
Not mood.

[GardeniaBlossom]

I was in a window, and I went to a coffee shop to celebrate. While I was there, I drank a coffee with sugar in it and ate a pastry. Yes, I did. Then, just like that, BAM! the window slammed shut. Now, it's back to bed, again with withdrawal symptoms. WHOA.

 

Now, I know never to do that again.

[btdt]

Thank you, btdt.

 

Knowing other people going through withdrawal and communicating with them counts as socializing in my book. I'm noticing the 3-4 sleep cycles coming back, too. They were constant during the most acute phases of withdrawal I've experienced thus far. Somehow, I feel I'm still in one of the most difficult parts, being just barely 8 months off though. I used to use a binural beats app I found. There was a track on it that helped me fall asleep. Maybe I'll try that again.

 

Last night I woke up after sleeping about 4 hours, then couldn't fall back to sleep though I tried. I got up around 4 and drank some warm water with lemon and then an herbal tea, meditated, did Reiki, and then ate some breakfast. I was so tired afterward I decided to just go back to sleep for as long as I might need to, and it worked. When I woke up, I felt more clear and energetic. I ate lunch and now, again, I feel like going back to sleep. I'm not sure if that is a good idea or not, all this sleeping and waking at odd hours. My mind is unclear and the deep sadness has set in, again, along with suicidal ideation, regret, and worry. The only thing I really want to do right now is surrender to my body.

 

I appreciate your feedback. Thank you for making the effort.

 

It is odd how I have adjusted to whatever comes... and am not really trying to direct my life any longer does that mean I have lost.. I wonder?

 

I no longer think it odd to wake up after 1 hour 2 hours or 4 hours of sleep.. I am as ok with going to bed at 4am as I am with getting up at 4am or 3 or whatever... as I just noticed I did not want this before as I wanted a life still I expected a life and having a real life is not conducive with these sleep issues... oddly I have become accustom to it... I notice yes I notice I don't feel as well ect... but some how I just go with it. Tho it is likely difficult for those around me... I have never thought of it.. lost the plot maybe I need to think on this some. 

 

I think it has been a rough go... to get to a place where I am ok with what comes is how I have been trained by the withdrawal process... I don't think it is so much that I bought in as over time... I was trained like a puppy... sit lay down pee eat now. 

 

I was reading how you ate and needed to sleep again I have tried that at night and generally it doesn't work when I want it to... but I too have this to a lesser degree now than I use to.. for one stage of wd every bit of food I put in my mouth would put me into a coma like sleep there was no way I could eat out... I would need to sleep within minutes.  It is better now as it is not all the time but it still does happen.  I tend to nod off at other times too now watching tv I can have a couple naps during an hour show. 

 

Sorry your eating closed your window... I hate it when the window slams shut but your right it is a good heads up as to what not to do...like hitting the puppy with a paper lol... 

 

I wish you peace

[GardeniaBlossom]

[Martina23]

Gardenia, you have beautiful avatar.

[GardeniaBlossom]

I like yours, too, Martina. And thank you.

 

I have been thinking of the symptoms like weather, the kind that passes. The sky is always there. The picture I used for my avatar reminds me of that. The waves may come and go, but the sky is always there.

 

I tried to find a picture of a gardenia to use but haven't been able to find one that fits. Maybe eventually I will.

[GardeniaBlossom]

 

Thank you for your response, btdt.

 

 

You: It is odd how I have adjusted to whatever comes... and am not really trying to direct my life any longer does that mean I have lost.. I wonder?

 

I no longer think it odd to wake up after 1 hour 2 hours or 4 hours of sleep.. I am as ok with going to bed at 4am as I am with getting up at 4am or 3 or whatever... as I just noticed I did not want this before as I wanted a life still I expected a life and having a real life is not conducive with these sleep issues... oddly I have become accustom to it... I notice yes I notice I don't feel as well ect... but some how I just go with it. Tho it is likely difficult for those around me... I have never thought of it.. lost the plot maybe I need to think on this some.

 

 

I wonder if you mean that until you recover you are not able to fully direct your life in the way you were able to before or had hoped to. That makes me think about how I expected that as I got older I would gain more control over my life not lose ground. It felt more like having tried to climb a mountain that continually eroded, especially considering I've spent most of my adult life on these drugs.

 

Making adjustments seems sensible. I think it might serve me to be more like water and flow with the changes instead of resist them. I've been thinking about surrender, a lot, recently, especially the difficulties it presents. I think because I feel violated any type of surrender feels dangerous somehow. But why the surrender to sleep feels threatening specifically I don't know.

 

I hadn't experienced a window in weeks. So, it was a relief when it opened. My agenda for the day is surrender, be more like the  water, a new skill for me to master.

[GardeniaBlossom]

 

32 Flavors
 

squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
and I'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you're going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said

both my parents taught me about good will
and I have done well by their names
just the kindness I've lavished on strangers
is more than I can explain
still there's many who've turned out their porch lights
just so I would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows
til I'd passed and left them alone

and god help you if you are an ugly girl
course too pretty is also your doom
cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room
and god help you if you are a phoenix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying back

I'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do
I'm not saying that I'm a saint
I just don't want to live that way
no, I will never be a saint
but I will always say

squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I'm beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
Cause someday you might find you're starving
and eating all of the words you said

[GardeniaBlossom]

This blog by one James Heaney is pure brilliance, unassuming and all about psychiatric drug withdrawal and stuff.

 

https://npanth.wordpress.com/