success Pug: My Story including CT Twice

[AliG]

I also have windows and waves throughout the day. I think this shows healing Pug.    Hang in there.

[Asjf]

This quote I will read many times today:

 

This is a doable journey by anyone really. There is nothing special about

me. It just takes time. You have to hold on, and when you think you can’t hold on any

longer, you have to hold on.

You may not “feel” hope through much of the journey, but you have hope. It is right

there in the deep recesses of your very being. It is inside every one of us and constantly

whispers to us. Don’t let the shouting of your ailing brain convince you that it’s not there.

It is there. It is speaking…constantly speaking truth and saying to hold on one more

minute, one more hour, one more day…until you are one more healed man or woman.

..who then becomes a voice of hope for someone else to hear over the noise of their

ailing brain.

Hold on. Just hold on. And you will heal. It’s a promise.

Thank you so much for posting this Pug. I've had a very challenging day today--one of the worst in months. These words opened my heart and gave me a sense of love and hope back for the time being. I feel like as long as my heart is open i can endure anything. When my heart closes (which for me is an automatic defense mechanism when i'm suffering through a difficult wave) things get really ugly on the inside. Thanks for helping to pull me out of that.

[AliG]

Thanks Pug for the encouragement and support on my thread.  You are doing so well.  

[pug]

Asjf and Ali,

 

Thank you for the encouragement and if I have managed to help anyone in this process I am very happy and count it as a blessing.

 

It may not be new to others, but I just found this site and it is full of great information:

 

http://www.recovery-road.org/

[pug]

My inspiration and mantra for today couertesy of Baylissa Frederick:

 

"You make peace with what is taking place, and you find peace."

[Asjf]

I'm continually reminding myself to surrender. I'm continually reminding myself that at any given moment in time life is just what it is. It isn't good or bad, right or wrong, just 'what is'. I've had moments of pretty severe withdrawal symptoms where it suddenly occured to me to surrender to 'what is' and i noticed a calming peace come over me very suddenly. Those moments remind me that as challenging as the withdrawal symptoms are, it's my own resistance to the 'what is' of it that makes them unbearable--moreso than the actual symptoms. I've set a daily reminder on my phone for 11am everyday that simply says SURRENDER. For me, surrender is one of the most powerful tools i have through this. I'm not talking about the kind of surrender that comes from resignation--it's the kind that comes from a letting go of the small and confined notion of how things should be and instead accepting life on life's terms without judgement. It's a liberating kind of surrender.

[manymoretodays]

I am the same too.......varying waves and windows all in one day.  It is improvement though.........I used to have waves for days and weeks.

 

Yup.....it is always better not to resist the "what is".  It is okay to distract from it though with healthy activities........at least for me it keeps me moving.

 

Well stated and good idea.......I think I will surrender every morning.

 

 

I'm continually reminding myself to surrender. I'm continually reminding myself that at any given moment in time life is just what it is. It isn't good or bad, right or wrong, just 'what is'. I've had moments of pretty severe withdrawal symptoms where it suddenly occured to me to surrender to 'what is' and i noticed a calming peace come over me very suddenly. Those moments remind me that as challenging as the withdrawal symptoms are, it's my own resistance to the 'what is' of it that makes them unbearable--moreso than the actual symptoms. I've set a daily reminder on my phone for 11am everyday that simply says SURRENDER. For me, surrender is one of the most powerful tools i have through this. I'm not talking about the kind of surrender that comes from resignation--it's the kind that comes from a letting go of the small and confined notion of how things should be and instead accepting life on life's terms without judgement. It's a liberating kind of surrender.

[pug]

manymoretodays,

 

Thank you for visiting and I completely agree, surrendering daily is a great idea and I shall be doing that also.

 

Asjf,

 

Thank you for the very profound statement on surrender; it has made a huge impact on me and is a wonderful gift.  Thank you.

[pug]

I found this today on Baylissa's facebook page; it speaks to me today and helps me to calm the fear and anxiety I am feeling:

 

 

You have the strength to keep going. Don't let the fear thoughts take over and scare you into thinking you can't do this. You can and you will. Just nurture yourself well, take things one day at at time without becoming preoccupied with how much longer before your full recovery, and if you find that difficult to do and the withdrawal-induced fear persists, just sit with it, accept it without judgement... as part of the experience, be gentle with yourself, and wait this out. Withdrawal can be one of life's most challenging experiences but it eventually comes to an end, you recover and move on. Always remember that you have recovery to look forward to. Easier times are ahead... Keep going!

​

[direstraits]

thanks for these words of encouragement,pug...I need them right now.

[Horns85]

I have had a brief window yesterday that I hope will continue in some fashion today. The relief is so great I was nearly in tears; and it wasn't like I was suddenly healed, it was just that my symptoms reduced about 50% for a time. If I could just have that on a consistent basis for a few days a week, I would be overjoyed.

 

One thing is the difference in my mind and thinking while in a nasty wave compared to a window of lesser symptoms. In a wave all is lost, my world is compressed into a tiny ball of just me feeling like hell and trying to figure out how to get some relief; what I can do to feel even 1% better, I am completely absorbed in all of my suffering. When a small window of any kind appears; I suddenly see the world again as if for the first time in so long that I can barely take it all in. I no longer focus so much on my symptoms, I start thinking about life again and even have some hope and optimism, and the relief is just not explainable to someone who has not experienced it.

 

The other thing that is so profound is that the feeling of being in a wave and then suddenly moving into a window is like a light switch being flipped on. One moment I am suffering in a wave with severe symptoms; struggling just to maintain control of the present moment; and then just like that, I am suddenly seeing the world again with new eyes. It is really very overwhelming. My family commented on it yesterday; that they could see it in my face and eyes the moment when I suddenly started to feel better, it was that obvious. I wonder if it is like this for others here?

 

Wishing all here a window as soon as possible, and may our windows last long enough to give us strength to continue this journey of healing.

This is exactly how I would describe my windows. Like a switch being flipped. It can really catch you off guard but it's amazing. Mine have only lasted a couple days but it's amazing how your thinking will change in regards to the world and your WD!

[pug]

Dire,

I am glad the words of encouragement helped, I find I need them regularly to counteract my illogical thoughts and fears.

 

Horns85,

Thanks for stopping by and confirming the strangeness of the "flip of the switch" phenomenon. It is so bizarre and not understandable to someone who has not experienced it. I am happy to hear you are getting windows, may they continue for you and get longer and longer!

[pug]

Well it has been 1 week since this new pattern of daily windows and waves started.  I do think that my symptoms may be lessening a bit, or maybe it is just that they are not lasting day after day, and it seems like they are lessening since they are being interrupted by going down a bit in intensity for a time each day.  I am trying not to get ahead of myself and just take it as it comes, but the thought that I may be getting better is hard to not think about.

 

Of course, after the windows that I have had, I have gotten kicked around pretty good by another wave, so it I am very gun-shy about even thinking that I may be improving.  This process is so challenging, we feel a little better but don't trust it and expect that it will be followed up by renewed pain and suffering.  If only there were a way to know if this is the start of something good, or just another time when the wave will come crashing down.

 

I will work to stay positive and not fall back into "what if" thinking and the anxiety and fear of more returning symptoms, but it will be a challenge.  My psyche is very fragile and I am easily swayed and overwhelmed with neuro-emotions and the chattering of my healing brain and CNS.

 

Any thoughts would be most welcome​.

 

Thank you.

[AliG]

Pug, I've had more rapid cycling of  Windows and Waves as well.  I try not to put too much thought or emotion into it as it can be very deceiving. I did but now I realize just how unpredictable withdrawal is. I try to be patient. I'm not always.    Ali.

[pug]

Ali,

 

Thank you. It is not easy to stay positive during this process, but I am giving it my best shot today. Here is a quote from Baylissa that is helping me today:

 

Remember to be gentle in the things you say to yourself. Be encouraging - just as you are with your withdrawal friends. When the old familiar “what if” thoughts that lead to that downward spiral begin, remind yourself that they are only thoughts fueled by withdrawal-induced fear and not your reality. They are not true and you don’t have to believe them. Those dreaded scenarios you are envisaging will never happen!

[pug]

"If I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.​" - Mahatma Gandhi

 

I have to believe that I can do this.  It is just a matter of time and my complete healing will come.  If it is just time, I need to find a way to surrender to the process and make it through one more minute, one more hour, one more day.  Following the path of non-resistance and practicing acceptance of my symptoms as much as possible, I will work to observe them with a detached awareness; not judging them as good or bad, just sensations and occurrences within my brain and body; that ultimately equate to healing.  The tipping point of my healing could be this next minute, or hour, or day and I will be more than half way to healing with reduced symptoms and a greater sense of health and predictability to my daily life.  Perhaps I am past that half-way point at this very moment and a cascade of improved symptoms that melt into nonexistence and a sense of greater wellness will await me very, very soon.  I can envision it and I know it is possible, as so many have made it to the other side and speak of the fact that time = healing.  Every minute, every hour, every day is one step closer for me, and all of us.  As I write this, minutes have passed and I know that more healing has taken place, and I am grateful and thankful that I am that much closer to wholeness.

[AliG]

 Pug ,

 

I love this. You are being very accepting & wise, about the process of this recovery we're all going through. I'm constantly amazed at the strength & wisdom , that is displayed by so many here, including yourself, Pug.

 

Keep pushing forward.

 

Love,  Ali.

[pug]

With a fragile psyche and in need of reassurance, I checked out the Bloom in Wellness FB page and got just what I needed. I highly recommend this FB page, it has a wealth of hope and encouragement.

 

~~ Keep Holding On ~~

 

Having to cope with the challenges of withdrawal may make you feel tired, drained and at times like giving up.

No matter how you are feeling today,

keep holding on.

Hold on to even the slightest glimmer of HOPE.

While there is a part of you that may not understand

how this healing process really works,

please know that it does.

So, today, remind yourself of how powerful acceptance is and see if you can let go of any resistance you may be feeling.

Accept, Surrender, Believe and Breathe while you receive your healing.

You don’t need to understand or monitor your journey.

All you have to do is trust in a positive outcome,

knowing that this challenge will not last.

One day you will have evidence of your healing

that is already taking place.

One day you MUST start to feel better, and you WILL!

It is inevitable… just a matter of time.

Don’t be concerned about when or how.

All you have to do is cope with today;

make it through each moment,

and stay strong, determined… and PATIENT.

Hold on because the struggle is worth the reward

of being drug free and healthy.

Hold on because you are worthy of wellness.

Hold on because the wisdom, knowledge, friendships

and many other gifts that come with this experience

will bring you great fulfilment.

Hold on because a new beginning eagerly awaits.

Hold on because you are going to savor the feeling of near-invincibility that overcoming withdrawal brings.

Dear friend, I am sorry you are hurting in so many ways.

I wish there was something I could do

to take away your pain and fears.

All I can ask is for you

to keep HOPE close to your heart.

And let this HOPE be ignited by the reality

that just like those before you,

all this bizarre, unbelievable madness

will one day end

and will become a distant memory.

Know that despite the presence of symptoms, 

you ARE healing. This, too, shall pass.

THIS, TOO, SHALL PASS.

Keep going!

Baylissa

[Flowers]

Love it Pug - thanks for posting this.

 

xxx

[divalee]

Dear Pug

 

You are doing great - and bring such hope to all of us.. But now I just came abck from my Endocrinologist and he said my WDs should have been gone a long time ago....He has discouraged me so much...

 

If what I have is not WDs then what is it.....

 

Much love to you.....and you are always in my thoughts and prayers - you are an inspiration to us all.

Love

Lee (f)

[divalee]

Love what you just posted above Pug....You are and always will be the precious gem who lights up the darkest of places.

Love

Lee

[pug]

Flowers and Divalee, I am very happy that you felt encouraged by my post; that I could help others to feel better makes me feel grateful.

 

I have been doing my best to not focus on my symptoms and instead focus on my desired outcome of healing.  It has not been easy, but when I manage to do it I feel better and have more hope; which is what I need the most at this time, more hope.  I have found Baylissa's books, recovery road website, and bloom in wellness facebook page to be fantastic resources for coping tools and a large dose of hope.  I highly recommend them to everyone.

 

Here is something I discovered from the bloom in wellness page that was a real pick-me-up when I needed it most:

 

I looked through some old emails this weekend -. from 2006-09... loads and loads. Those were the days before the phone helpline when most people would write several times daily. The emails were desperate. In almost every one the person was saying, "I don't think I'll make it" and "Something else must be wrong with me." All sorts of scenarios: cold-turkeys, detoxes, very slow tapers, average tapers, people poly-drugged with antipsychotics, some on antidepressants only, or benzos only, antidepressants with benzos, Z-drugs, ECTs, attempted suicides... pre-existing psych issues, medical only with no psych issues... you name it. Guess what? They are ALL well and recovered now. Emails went from "I am dying" to "Had a few hours when the symptoms seemed to ease" to "Writing to tell you that most of the symptoms are gone." Next thing they're on holidays. I don't hear from any of them anymore and that is wonderful!!My friends, no matter what stage of withdrawal you may be at, it really does end! You ARE getting better, even if you have no evidence of this. It is inevitable. So let go and trust in the process of repair that is taking place, knowing that the outcome is your recovery. I see it every time!

 With thoughts of wellness, ~Bliss

​

[manymoretodays]

Thanks Pug.  I am going to just read some of this over again.  Much appreciated.

[pug]

Today is 560 days off of setraline and 300 days off fluoxetine. Each day is taking me one step closer to feeling better and further healing on my way to recovery.

 

My wish is for quick relief and healing for all here!

 

"Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength."

 

~ Mohandas Gandhi

[manymoretodays]

Congratulations Pug!!!  That is so huge!  Party hats for today. 

[AliG]

Congratulations, Pug.

 

That is quite an achievement !  I love your positive attitude, to all of this.  I try to stay as positive, as I can , as well.  You are definitely getting there. 

[Purplestars22]

Hello Pug, I admire your positive outlook on withdrawal. It is definitely needed during this process or any hardship. I visit the Bloom of Wellness Facebook page daily, it really helps me to become hopeful and to not get discouraged. I wish you good days ahead and healing.

[pug]

Today is 18.5 months off setraline and 10 months off of fluoxetine, it was not an easy day but it is almost over and I am one more day closer to recovery. Time = healing; we just have to hold on a little longer and we will get better and heal...just keep holding on.

 

To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.

 

Friedrich Nietzsche

[pug]

This is a great coping tool I use on a regular basis to ground myself. 15 or more minutes seems to help immensely at times.

 

http://www.coherence.com/coherence_clock.html

[apace41]

Always posting good stuff, Pug.

 

Wanted to see how you are doing?
 

Best,

 

Andy

 

[pug]

Andy,

 

Thank you so much for checking in, it is appreciated!  I am hanging in and hanging on!  Good days and bad days, good minutes and bad minutes, it can be so challenging at times.  But I have had some days where I felt pretty good for most of the day or part of the day and that is something to hold on to.  It is hard to remember that I felt good when I am struggling so I have been keeping notes to remind myself that I did indeed have a good few hours here and there and even most of a day.  I keep focused on the fact that I am having some good moments and not continuous suffering, it is important for me and helps to maintain a positive frame of mind as much as possible.  I have been practicing a lot of positive self talk and affirmations and reading success stories and the Bloom in Wellness FB page every day to stay grounded and hopeful.  I know it is just a matter of time, and making it through each day, coping as best as I can that will be the secret to success.

 

I hope things are well with you, and I am sending you positive and healing thoughts!

[Flowers]

Hi Pug

 

It's great to see that you are having some good days and are finding all sorts of coping mechanisms to help your recovery.

 

I love reading your posts they are always so informative and the quotes are appreciated.

 

Take care.

 

Love Flowers xxx

[AliG]

 Hi Pug,

 

How are you ?   I hope you're doing " great " !!   

 

Love,  Ali.

[pug]

Hello Ali, Flowers, and All here at S.A.

 

Thank you for the well wishes, they are very much appreciated.  I am not quite doing "great" but I am improving.  Fear of relapse and waves crashing down on me makes me fearful to say it, but I am improving every so slowly.  The improvement is not so much the physical or emotional symptoms, but some mental clarity is starting to return.  When the physical and mental symptoms are present I am less overwhelmed with despair, anxiety, fear, and the dreaded "what if" thoughts; and that is improvement for me.  I am cautiously optimistic that I may be starting to pull out of this withdrawal and that my recovery is starting to happen in a way that I can actually see and feel.  Of course, one bad day quickly sends me down the opposite path, but not as severely as a couple of months ago.

 

I have not had a window day where all the symptoms have lifted in a long time, it is more of a reduction in symptom severity and the slight return of mental clarity.  I still have many symptoms but they are improving little by little and that is allowing me to get some relief as well as letting me feel hope again.  And having feelings of hope, even if they are just here and there is a true gift that I am cherishing.

 

I am not quite ready for the "here comes the sun" icon, but if this pattern continues it will be in my future.

 

I wish All here the strength and courage to continue this journey to recovery, and may it happen with haste.

 

Here is a quote from Baylissa that I am enjoying today:

 

 

There may be days when you feel uncertain and doubtful. This is normal… a part of our humanness. If you are feeling overwhelmed, fed up or even angry, try not to be self-critical.  The most effective way of dealing with those times when you just can’t be bothered to encourage yourself or to make the effort to “be positive” is to just observe how you feel, tell yourself it is okay and normal to feel like that, take a few deep breaths and make peace with the way things are. In other words, don’t resist your authentic feelings. Accept them. (The same applies to how you regard your symptoms.)  Then gently remind yourself of all you have overcome, including other days when you felt the same. Think of how far you’ve come and how strong, courageous and resilient you are. And you do this because it is true; not because you are trying to get rid of the feelings. That’s all you need to do. Nothing more. Soon enough you will once again feel confident in your ability to cope with whatever the day brings, and with the belief that all is well. You will notice a shift in your energy – that it has become lighter, brighter and peaceful. This is how powerful acceptance is.​

[pug]

Today is 11 total months since my last fluoxetine and 19.5 month since my last setraline. Just one more month and I will be a full year off of antidepressants.

 

Progress is slow but I feel like healing is taking place, it just takes time. Doing my best to stay positive and hopeful; visiting Bloom in Wellness every day and reading success stories. I think of all those that have healed and are enjoying life, so I know it is possible for me also.

 

May we all here continue to improve and heal quickly!

[pug]

Well today I am celebrating some nice round numbers: 340 days off of fluoxetine and 600 days off of sertraline. As challenging as some days are, I am moving forward nonetheless. Improvements happen so slowly it is hard to recognize them, but I do feel like they are occurring. Time = healing based on what I read from those who have recovered, and our job is to figure out how to cope and make the day as pleasant as possible, if possible, or to just accept the symptoms as a sign of healing and do our best to survive until the next day. I keep this thought in mind each day and also my mantra of late, “This too shall pass”.

 

Here are a couple of quotes from Lossleader that I find inspirational and I am enjoying reading today:

 

The point is, focus on what you're capable of doing, not the fact that you don't feel comfortable doing it. The fact is, you can do it, and that's the part of what's going on that you should focus on. Because improvement snowballs... in the same way you can drag yourself down into the pit by thinking doom and gloom (which your brain picks up and runs with), you can very slowly haul yourself out by recognizing little positive things and concentrating on that.

 

I mean, I know I sound like a "positive thinking" d*ck, which isn't me at all. But when you're really up against the wall like this, you have to do things a bit differently. Sure, acknowledge all the sh*t, all the hopeless feelings, because you can't pretend it's not happening and you can't pretend that’s not how you feel. But be aware of the other voice saying "Don't be a f**king idiot, do you want to die here or do you want to get better, for your own sake and the sake of your kid? Because if there's even a 5% chance of that happening, you have to try and meet it halfway." Just having a thought like that in the back of your mind, however weird it feels... it's important.