divalee: 24 months off Zoloft

[apace41]

18 minutes ago, mirage said:

Hi Divalee. I agree with apace 41. Sounds to me like a lot of anxiety has built up. So easy for that to happen. These symptoms get overwhelming and it is impossible to ignore them. Especially dizziness. That is one of my main symptoms. 

 

I have come to and understanding with myself that there is no quick fix, no surgery nor meds to fix this. It is all timing and patience. So I decided months ago, that I will go on, and through, each and every day and that one day, this will all be behind me. We don't have that crystal ball to look into and show us the day we will be whole again. Until then, tell yourself, these are symptoms. Go ahead and let them come and keep doing what ever it is that you have to do and continue with any plans you have. Tell yourself you can't change this current circumstance but you can, and will, live through it. 

 

I too, read Claire Weeks book and I am about to read it again. Her methods are so right. I think one of the biggest and worse symptoms we all share, is the anxiety. We have to help ourselves over come that. I believe that most symptoms are from the cns repairing itself and they will, eventually, stop but the anxiety, we can make that worse as we heal. We worry about each symptom and when will it go away and then as soon as that symptom goes away, boom...a new one appears and we then worry about that one. We get ourselves into a loop of worry. Each time we do that, we are telling our brain to be on alert. Thus, the loop of anxiety.

 

This too shall pass. You are strong. Look how far you have come. Keep on keeping on and move forward. Sending hugs, prayer and positive thoughts. 

 

 

 

GREAT POST, MIRAGE!

 

Thank you for your input.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[mirage]

Thanks Andy. This is not an easy journey but, one we are all taking. Can't look back. No, "what of", "could of", "should of". It is what it is and we have to manage a way to go forward. I believe we are gaining great things along the way. It is just really hard to see that while in the throws of symptoms. 

 

Positive healing to you.

[divalee]

1 hour ago, mirage said:

Hi Divalee. I agree with apace 41. Sounds to me like a lot of anxiety has built up. So easy for that to happen. These symptoms get overwhelming and it is impossible to ignore them. Especially dizziness. That is one of my main symptoms. 

 

I have come to and understanding with myself that there is no quick fix, no surgery nor meds to fix this. It is all timing and patience. So I decided months ago, that I will go on, and through, each and every day and that one day, this will all be behind me. We don't have that crystal ball to look into and show us the day we will be whole again. Until then, tell yourself, these are symptoms. Go ahead and let them come and keep doing what ever it is that you have to do and continue with any plans you have. Tell yourself you can't change this current circumstance but you can, and will, live through it. 

 

I too, read Claire Weeks book and I am about to read it again. Her methods are so right. I think one of the biggest and worse symptoms we all share, is the anxiety. We have to help ourselves over come that. I believe that most symptoms are from the cns repairing itself and they will, eventually, stop but the anxiety, we can make that worse as we heal. We worry about each symptom and when will it go away and then as soon as that symptom goes away, boom...a new one appears and we then worry about that one. We get ourselves into a loop of worry. Each time we do that, we are telling our brain to be on alert. Thus, the loop of anxiety.

 

This too shall pass. You are strong. Look how far you have come. Keep on keeping on and move forward. Sending hugs, prayer and positive thoughts. 

 

 

Hello Mirage

I agree, there is no quck fix, no aurgery nor med to fix this.  I have tried that and nothing worked at all.  Most of us saw the video where the Rubik's cube has to do its work.  Yes I do that to - my symptoms are there 24/7 with some relief at night - I never let them stop me from doing anything. No matter how I feel I will do everything as normally as I can.  Thing is, nothing changes.  It is said if you face your fears - which I do all the time, it will get better....but it doesn't.  Thus the anxiety, panic attacks, the symptoms that I have get worse because of the anxiety.  I say to myself - I am facing my fears every single day - why isnt there a change.  Well it is because it takes a long time to heal and we have to be patient.  Boy do we learn that lesson quick enough.

 

Yes I read some of Claire Weeks online and saved it - I do much of which she suggests but will read it more thoroughly.  Yes most of our symptoms are from the cns repairing itself (the Rubik's Cube)  and this is so very true what you say - They will eventually stop but the anxiety we can make that worse as we heal.  So very true.  Also true, as soon as a symptom goes away, boom, a new one appears, how true that is, thus this makes us more anxious and the circle continues.  Each time a new one comes I feel that I will never get better because why this new one - I was getting better, why do i feel worse now - and the anxiety hits the roof.......I completely understand now - and when that happens I will remember what you and Andy have said.   I will feel that I am not alone because I have people who understand first hand at surviving antidepressants.  It is like having you as a guide walking with me. 

 

Thank you so much, Andy and Mirage -  I have lifted myself up once more.  We are meant to cross each other's path in life - and in our darkest hour - they always appear....

 

Once there was a little old Ant

Thought he's move a rubber tree plant

Everyone knows and Ant, can't 

Move a rubber tree plant

 

But he had high hopes, he had high hopes

So any time your feeling bad, stead of feeling sad

Just remember that Ant

Whoops there goes another Rubber Tree Plant.....

 

 

[Terry4949]

22 hours ago, divalee said:

Hello Everyone

Whew I had a hard time getting in here...finally where it is said Contact us  I did. So please ignore my request.  Why was it so hard to get in here - anyway I am here now thank goodness.

 

Yesterday it was 5 years and 1 month off Zoloft - I wish there were some good news but there isn't.  I have all the same symptoms only they are worse....that is all I can tell you.  I have resigned myself to this will be my life forever I guess.  It is so scary to think that...but when day after day after day no change, what else can you think. 

 

I don't read anything here about pins and needles - I have them all over my face, head, bridge of nose, around my eyes, lips, chin....they are not there all the time so I know it isn't anything serious.....but when you start to overthink I imagine something terrible wrong with me.

 

You know when you get to this stage then you start thinking, maybe if I go gluten free, I will feel better, or maybe if I go Vegan, or maybe if I stop eating dairy...it goes on and on...but you know what - I don't let those thoughts control me or else I won't eat anything at all.  Because of how I feel I eat very healthy..  No pastry, no chocolates or candy,  never buy prepared foods, never boxed or canned foods...I buy fresh and organic when possible.....I cook for myself and never order anything out. 

 

Still I am not better - so it cannot be what I am eating - The sweats at night were subsiding for a while, but now they are back again three times a night - one around 2 am and then two more 4 and 5 am.....wake up high anxiety every morning.

 

I still do what I have to do - no matter how I feel - I will do it.....cry in the car, cry behind my sunglasses, but I do it.  The other day I had to go to the dentist...and I was able to sit there for 45 mins while she filled two teeth.  I controlled myself, but once in the car  I just cried.  I go to the bank, to the vet, to the Pet Shop, grocery shopping, everything everyone else does.

 

My balance seems to have gotten worse when I walk, hard to explain because it isn't a dizziness - I am not dizzy when I walk just feel off balance...my dizziness is so hard to explain....all inside my head - My head feels weird like there are a hundred bees inside there.  I still do feel better at night - I get some relief at night, but the next day it starts all over again.  I don't know how much longer I can do this.... don't see the light at the end of the tunnel any more - all hope and courage seems to be gone.  

 

I have to say I do get windows if you want to call them that and I don't even know if they are windows.  I am able to take a 97 year old lady to do her grocery shopping and even go to McDonalds to have lunch with her and sit there for about an hour.....then take her shopping and I don't feel dizzy or anything while I am doing that....but when I get home my head Is swimming and it takes a while to settle down......

 

I do read the symptoms of anxiety and I see there that you can have pins and needles in your face and everywhere and many of the symptoms I do have....I might be stuck with anxiety because I don't see any change - I am rambling -  and scared and I wish I can be normal again...singing at weddings, at parties, going out with my friends.....I have isolated myself - I see no one at all except this old lady.  I do talk on the phone to a couple of my friends and have friends on Facebook - facebook helps me a lot...

 

If anyone could tell me their symptoms it would be appreciated so I wont feel so frightened .  I will put them here again

 

Pins and needles face, head, bridge of nose

Dizziness inside my head

Balance problems

Vision problems  (nothing wrong with my eyes just saw Ophthalmologist)

Feeling of blocked ears ( nothing wrong with ears just saw ENT doctor)

Severe Anxiety

Panic attacks

working around house doing close work gives me agoraphobia, but I can sit at the computer for hours and I don't have it.

Crying most of the day

Just feeling not well all the time (blood tests came back perfect, nothing wrong healthwise)

Fear of dying

migraine headaches (silent migraines with Aura very frequently lately)

I feel sometimes like I am 'not here' weird feeling.

 

thank you for listening to me once more -

 

I pray every night for all of you here so that you will be better soon - and not have to suffer any more...Be strong, don't lose your courage and hope.....If you don't ,,,,,,I promise I won't either.

 

Love

Lee (f)

 

If happy little bluebirds fly

Beyond the rainbow

So can.....you......and.....I

 

Divalee I have read your thread and you have my upmost admiration I like you are going through these excact symptoms I have been suffering like this for a solid 5 years even though I am only of all meds for 16 months I have been suffering since I hit tolerance 5 to 6 years ago I have seen no healing like you I wake with the anxiety sweating and all the hellish mornings and I feel my suffering has gotten worse I do not have windows but I do get a slight relief feelings late in the evening , I also cry daily when I’m alone but I still push myself to do things even though it makes me physically sick .the world seems so different to me now as I have become detached from it as I have been consumed by the never ending anxiety and suicidel thoughts . I also wonder if this is withdrawel or this is anxiety that has now become fixed into my mind from the daily relentless bombarding , I have done like you the food thing cut out sugar wheat dairy no alcohol etc of the years and it has made no difference to the suffering I have all about give up hope of recovery I have seen people who have been of meds as long as 12 years and havnt recovered and it frightens me to think that this suffering will last that long each and every day I hope for a glimmer of hope but nothing comes and the only relief I get is bedtime where I get 3 hours of sleep before the hell starts again ( dreaded mornings ) . This may sound awful but I know when I see people like yourself suffering that I am not alone, not that I want you to suffer nor anyone else . I am loosing the courage and will to fight this as the human body and mind can only take so much pain before it breaks suffering on this scale for so long I believe has printed a map on to our brains and we will never fully recover we maybe able to get back to some sort of normality but I don’t think we will truly heal . I have read this site from top to bottom every bit of information on this and I have seen so many different accounts of healing and many people have left and gone on with there lives but some have been on here a long time with hardly any healing like us and I believe we are the long term casualties, I think we are true warriors and I hope you know you are not alone I feel your pain we can find comfort on here with people that understand and listen with respect and understanding as sufferers. I hope that one day soon you get some relief as do I 

[mirage]

@divalee You are strong and you are achieving a lot and you are still living each and every day. This is a hard journey and we are all only human. That said, there will be lots of times we break down and get discouraged. How much can one body and brain endure? We all have one body, and that body is going through a lot, all at once, and we are still here to discuss it and to support each other to carry forward through it.

 

I have never had anxiety. At 53, this is totally new to me. I'm figuring it out as I go and i'm realizing that many of my symptoms, are now from anxiety and not so much from the withdrawal. Anxiety symptoms are real and they are scary. I know that the anxiety is the amygdala, (the part of the brain which creates our fight or flight response), misfiring because the cns is confused due to the withdrawal and that it is fooling the logical part of my brain into thinking I am in trouble and should be anxious. So in order for me not to exasperate that, I have to let it happen and I tell myself, "go ahead symptoms do your thing. You won't take me down". Try and keep on doing what you are doing and don't give it too much attention. One of these days, the logical part of our brain will be able to kick in full force without the quick response from the amygdala. 

 

Love the ant who can move the rubber tree plant and the quote by Teal Scott. Today is another day of healing and tomorrow is another day and another opportunity for more improvement. Like the Rubiks Cube video. 

 

 

[divalee]

7 minutes ago, mirage said:

@divalee You are strong and you are achieving a lot and you are still living each and every day. This is a hard journey and we are all only human. That said, there will be lots of times we break down and get discouraged. How much can one body and brain endure? We all have one body, and that body is going through a lot, all at once, and we are still here to discuss it and to support each other to carry forward through it.

 

I have never had anxiety. At 53, this is totally new to me. I'm figuring it out as I go and i'm realizing that many of my symptoms, are now from anxiety and not so much from the withdrawal. Anxiety symptoms are real and they are scary. I know that the anxiety is the amygdala, (the part of the brain which creates our fight or flight response), misfiring because the cns is confused due to the withdrawal and that it is fooling the logical part of my brain into thinking I am in trouble and should be anxious. So in order for me not to exasperate that, I have to let it happen and I tell myself, "go ahead symptoms do your thing. You won't take me down". Try and keep on doing what you are doing and don't give it too much attention. One of these days, the logical part of our brain will be able to kick in full force without the quick response from the amygdala. 

 

Love the ant who can move the rubber tree plant and the quote by Teal Scott. Today is another day of healing and tomorrow is another day and another opportunity for more improvement. Like the Rubiks Cube video. 

 

 

Mirage

I am 47 now - still young to be able to get better and live the life i use to live -  I am musician, and singer, I use to sing at weddings and even funerals,  always invited to every party to entertain - life was good - Music is part of my heart and soul.....I love the old songs the best and learn them all from Videos on the internet.  So that is why most of the time - I add a song....

 

Your advice is taken with gratefulness - as is Andy's - Stay well and my prayers are with you, Andy and everyone here.

Love

Lee

 (f)

 

[mirage]

@divalee You will be back to pursuing your passion for music. That is a beautiful talent to have. I can dance, but singing and playing an instrument, can't do that. Well, I guess I could, but it wouldn't be pretty. lol

[FarmGirlWorks]

8 hours ago, divalee said:

I will hang in there FarmGirl - I always have but sometimes when the waves are extremely bad and very very long lasting - it drops me down to my knees - and hard to get up again - but I always do.....Thing is how long can we do this....

 

Thank you for answering me and I hope that you are doing well.  Do you have many symptoms to cope with?  You and all here are in my prayers .

Waves are so hard... at the lowest, I can't even speak. But there is something inside all of us, a spark/anima/soul, that does lift us onto our feet again for another day. Relying on that inner fire helps us move to the next step and the next step... You're a tough person, that is obvious. It is so much for one person alone but there are a lot of people here rooting for you.

 

Thank you for the prayer, much appreciated. I will do the same for you.

 

My symptoms at present are mainly suicidal ideation/depression/anxiety. The sun has appeared here in the rainy corner of the US and that has helped much. I think situational problems (work dried up completely during this as I freelance) and hormones (I am 51) are as much of an issue as WD now.

[divalee]

3 hours ago, Terry4949 said:

Divalee I have read your thread and you have my upmost admiration I like you are going through these excact symptoms I have been suffering like this for a solid 5 years even though I am only of all meds for 16 months I have been suffering since I hit tolerance 5 to 6 years ago I have seen no healing like you I wake with the anxiety sweating and all the hellish mornings and I feel my suffering has gotten worse I do not have windows but I do get a slight relief feelings late in the evening , I also cry daily when I’m alone but I still push myself to do things even though it makes me physically sick .the world seems so different to me now as I have become detached from it as I have been consumed by the never ending anxiety and suicidel thoughts . I also wonder if this is withdrawel or this is anxiety that has now become fixed into my mind from the daily relentless bombarding , I have done like you the food thing cut out sugar wheat dairy no alcohol etc of the years and it has made no difference to the suffering I have all about give up hope of recovery I have seen people who have been of meds as long as 12 years and havnt recovered and it frightens me to think that this suffering will last that long each and every day I hope for a glimmer of hope but nothing comes and the only relief I get is bedtime where I get 3 hours of sleep before the hell starts again ( dreaded mornings ) . This may sound awful but I know when I see people like yourself suffering that I am not alone, not that I want you to suffer nor anyone else . I am loosing the courage and will to fight this as the human body and mind can only take so much pain before it breaks suffering on this scale for so long I believe has printed a map on to our brains and we will never fully recover we maybe able to get back to some sort of normality but I don’t think we will truly heal . I have read this site from top to bottom every bit of information on this and I have seen so many different accounts of healing and many people have left and gone on with there lives but some have been on here a long time with hardly any healing like us and I believe we are the long term casualties, I think we are true warriors and I hope you know you are not alone I feel your pain we can find comfort on here with people that understand and listen with respect and understanding as sufferers. I hope that one day soon you get some relief as do I 

Dearest Terry

You are a mirror of me.  I can walk solidly in your shoes - and empathise with you so very much.  I have learned that we must push our fears and anxiety away and stay active - I use to pray before I left the house I was so frightened - but I persevered and faced my fears.  I would cry in the car but not let anyone see me like that -  Went to the bank, get in my car when done and cry, then to the next place do what I had to do there, get back in my car and cry.  But I didnt give up - I did all that I had to do no matter how I feel.   doesnt show any progress at first for a long time, so we get frustrated and deep in depression and hopelessness, but for some reason I dont give up - and keep on going - 

 

Today, and I think Andy and Mirage will be happy - I had a window practically the whole day.  This is very rare - so I know that not giving up no matter how I feel - it will pay off in the long run....It isnt easy by all means - but dont give up Terry - I almost give up sometimes but I don't.  I get so deep in to waves thinking I will never get better - Please be strong, have courage and hope.  You are not alone in this - we are all in the same boat. 

 

Please read what Andy and Mirage wrote to me - it will help you a great deal to understand how anxiety and withdrawals work.  Since they explained that to me - I found a new surge of hope and courage once more.    You will heal Terry - we will all heal - I saw today that my efforts are working - and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel again.  Believe that you will heal - Please post again and let us know how you are doing......you  are not alone - please face your fears and if you are afraid do it anyway......I do it all the time....I saw today that facing my fears and doing it anyway  - day after day with no let up no change at all -  feeling better at night and like you have to face another day of horror....and then suddenly I got a window today -  and it will happen to you - just never give up and just keep on going as if it is a normal day.  

 

We will reach out our hand to you

We will have faith in all you do

Just call our name......and we"ll be there

 

Love

Lee (f)

 

 

 

[divalee]

3 hours ago, mirage said:

@divalee You will be back to pursuing your passion for music. That is a beautiful talent to have. I can dance, but singing and playing an instrument, can't do that. Well, I guess I could, but it wouldn't be pretty. lol

We all have a talent - dancing is great -  

 

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass

It is about learning to dance in the rain -

 

Love

Lee (f)

 

[mirage]

@divalee

 I LOVE that! I'm going to remember that and you are right. Thank you!

[Terry4949]

5 hours ago, divalee said:

Dearest Terry

You are a mirror of me.  I can walk solidly in your shoes - and empathise with you so very much.  I have learned that we must push our fears and anxiety away and stay active - I use to pray before I left the house I was so frightened - but I persevered and faced my fears.  I would cry in the car but not let anyone see me like that -  Went to the bank, get in my car when done and cry, then to the next place do what I had to do there, get back in my car and cry.  But I didnt give up - I did all that I had to do no matter how I feel.   doesnt show any progress at first for a long time, so we get frustrated and deep in depression and hopelessness, but for some reason I dont give up - and keep on going - 

 

Today, and I think Andy and Mirage will be happy - I had a window practically the whole day.  This is very rare - so I know that not giving up no matter how I feel - it will pay off in the long run....It isnt easy by all means - but dont give up Terry - I almost give up sometimes but I don't.  I get so deep in to waves thinking I will never get better - Please be strong, have courage and hope.  You are not alone in this - we are all in the same boat. 

 

Please read what Andy and Mirage wrote to me - it will help you a great deal to understand how anxiety and withdrawals work.  Since they explained that to me - I found a new surge of hope and courage once more.    You will heal Terry - we will all heal - I saw today that my efforts are working - and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel again.  Believe that you will heal - Please post again and let us know how you are doing......you  are not alone - please face your fears and if you are afraid do it anyway......I do it all the time....I saw today that facing my fears and doing it anyway  - day after day with no let up no change at all -  feeling better at night and like you have to face another day of horror....and then suddenly I got a window today -  and it will happen to you - just never give up and just keep on going as if it is a normal day.  

 

We will reach out our hand to you

We will have faith in all you do

Just call our name......and we"ll be there

 

Love

Lee (f)

 

 

 

Thanks for you reply and words of encouragement , it’s that time of day again 5 am and I have been awake many hours woken by the horrible cortisol spikes inner shakes and tremors and my daily headache the thing that has haunted me for years morning after morning and I know many others share this awful start to the day I cannot think of what it must be like to wake normally to hear the birds sing to look out of the window in to the garden and say and feel what a beautiful day it’s going to be , allready my body and my mind is in survival mode just thinking how I am I going to get threw another day and that I don’t want to face this anymore and I feel the intense anxiety growing inside me while every minute the apathy grows as the lack of motivation takes over . Yet as you say we still get on with it we push our selves even though we suffer immensely and we make it through the day we crawl shuffle do what ever it takes and finally bed time comes and we say well I made it through another day and we are thankful , how strange is it that we are thankful that we made another day yet we have suffered so much I always thought of being thankful was for what you have not the other way round , I can’t still get my head round what happens at night for us to go to bed feeling sometimes normal but generally feeling better for the last remaining hours of the day some sort of calmness a normality that we so desire to waking in this false sense of hellness why do our brains switch from one to another while we are a sleep , I don’t sleep much anyway always wake at 2am if not earlier but 3 hours prior to that I was having some sort of calmness relief to say , if it’s all about cortisol why can we not fix this problem sometimes I hate sleep as I know what lies ahead of me once I go to sleep . But that’s enough of that I am so glad you had a window and I hope that it continues and you enjoy every minute of it I would so love a window a sign of hope and a possible recovery but for now I will just have to survive another day doing what ever it takes to get through I find the emotional side very difficult to live with the crying spells and I am very sensitive to sad things the smallest things  sets me of this has been with me every day for 2 years now I find it hard to talk to people without welling up , I hope you have another good day and that your window is still with you 

take care  Terry 

[mirage]

@divalee Checking in to see how you are doing. So fabulous that you keep pushing on. This journey is hard but we have to find strength and we will win. 

 

Sending hugs and prayers.

[divalee]

3 hours ago, mirage said:

@divalee Checking in to see how you are doing. So fabulous that you keep pushing on. This journey is hard but we have to find strength and we will win. 

 

Sending hugs and prayers.

 

[divalee]

1 minute ago, divalee said:

 

 

[divalee]

6 hours ago, mirage said:

@divalee Checking in to see how you are doing. So fabulous that you keep pushing on. This journey is hard but we have to find strength and we will win. 

 

Sending hugs and prayers.

I answered you and then lost all that I wrote.  I don<t know how that happened .  Will try again

 

Since you and Andy explained to me about withdrawals and anxiety - I now understand very well.  I have some news for you. 

 

The day after I spoke with you and Andy - I woke up in the morning with my usual high anxiety and crying and struggled as usual all morning.  Suddenly in the afternoon all of my symptoms, they were there, but at a minimum.  I felt almost normal.  I didnt know how to be - Instead of being happy, I got scared and didnt know how to deal with it.  I was in the world I was in 5 years ago and didn<t know how to handle it and just kept on being scared.  I was in this place I vaguely remembered..I felt a relief that I can do everything easily now - not worrying how I will keep my appointments, doctor, hair dresser.....it all looked so easy now.  It was like a miracle.  All afternoon right into the night - I was just standing there in this place that I so often hoped and prayed I would be in.  I didnt want to go to bed.  I wasn<t hoping or anticipating anything because I did not want to be disappointed.  Was I afraid to be well again, surely I didnt want to go back to what I have been used to all this time....that would be insane...

 

When I woke up next morning it was all back - back to the dark place again.  What is so awful is that when you get a taste of <freedom> and then you are locked up again, it is even worse.  But something happened - I had a window - a super window - I found that my fear was less now, I knew I would have to struggle all day but it was different - I wasn't going to fight it any more - I was just going to let it be and tell fear to F......O......excuse me -   that he was my companion long enough and he will be no more - It isnt easy but it has changed -  that window gave me my confidence, hope and courage back,  now I have all the struggles but it seems easier because I am no longer so frightened and wont let fear get in the way.  It will take a while I know - but there is a change now....finally i see a light at the end of the tunnel and one day I will find my way back home to normalcy once more.....one of many obstacles gone - hopefully I will continue to feel this way.  But I do know the secret now - No matter how fearful you are - do it anyway....just as if you are having a normal day.  Symptoms are all back, but that is okay - I can deal with it and I wont let it frighten me any more  - if i need to cry then I will cry, but onward and upward -  and freedom - 

 

Thank you Andy and Mirage -  

 

I got the world on a string

Sitting on a rainbow

Got the string around my finger

Love

Lee (f)

 

 

[divalee]

On ‎6‎/‎19‎/‎2018 at 12:52 PM, apace41 said:

 

GREAT POST, MIRAGE!

 

Thank you for your input.

 

Best,

 

Andy

News for you Andy

 

The day after I spoke with you Andy - I woke up in the morning with my usual high anxiety and crying and struggled as usual all morning.  Suddenly in the afternoon all of my symptoms, they were there, but at a minimum.  I felt almost normal.  I didnt know how to be - Instead of being happy, I got scared and didnt know how to deal with it.  I was in the world I was in 5 years ago and didn<t know how to handle it and just kept on being scared.  I was in this place I vaguely remembered..I felt a relief that I can do everything easily now - not worrying how I will keep my appointments, doctor, hair dresser.....it all looked so easy now.  It was like a miracle.  All afternoon right into the night - I was just standing there in this place that I so often hoped and prayed I would be in.  I didnt want to go to bed.  I wasn<t hoping or anticipating anything because I did not want to be disappointed.  Was I afraid to be well again, surely I didnt want to go back to what I have been used to all this time....that would be insane...

 

When I woke up next morning it was all back - back to the dark place again.  What is so awful is that when you get a taste of <freedom> and then you are locked up again, it is even worse.  But something happened - I had a window - a super window - I found that my fear was less now, I knew I would have to struggle all day but it was different - I wasn't going to fight it any more - I was just going to let it be and tell fear to F......O......excuse me -   that he was my companion long enough and he will be no more - It isnt easy but it has changed -  that window gave me my confidence, hope and courage back,  now I have all the struggles but it seems easier because I am no longer so frightened and wont let fear get in the way.  It will take a while I know - but there is a change now....finally i see a light at the end of the tunnel and one day I will find my way back home to normalcy once more.....

 

one of many obstacles gone - hopefully I will continue to feel this way.  But I do know the secret now - No matter how fearful you are - do it anyway....just as if you are having a normal day.  Symptoms are all back, but that is okay - I can deal with it and I wont let it frighten me any more  - if i need to cry then I will cry, but onward and upward -  

 

Thank you Andy and Mirage -  

 

I got the world on a string

Sitting on a rainbow

Got the string around my finger

Love

Lee (f)

 

[mirage]

@divalee Yes, yes...YES!!!! I am so excited that you were able to experience that! My heart is full for you. Once this happens, it does help with the fear. It allows you to be able to live a little even if symptoms are there and even if they are bad. It gives you an inner strength to keep pushing and that inner strength is what tells our brain we are strong and we are going to win. 

 

This is great news for you! Each time that happens, even if it is long between windows, it gives you more courage. I think it is that courage that helps relieve some of the anxiety. Sooner or later, I think our brains will start to remember things and help get our cns back on track. 

 

Feeling great for you and sending hugs and prayers for more of those windows to come to you!

[apace41]

Well, THAT'S  a nice thing to hear, Lee!

You are taking this EXACTLY the right way.  You are disappointed it went away but you are taking it as the indication it is -- that you WILL heal.

 

I'm thrilled for you, Lee!

Best,

 

Andy

[divalee]

57 minutes ago, mirage said:

@divalee Yes, yes...YES!!!! I am so excited that you were able to experience that! My heart is full for you. Once this happens, it does help with the fear. It allows you to be able to live a little even if symptoms are there and even if they are bad. It gives you an inner strength to keep pushing and that inner strength is what tells our brain we are strong and we are going to win. 

 

This is great news for you! Each time that happens, even if it is long between windows, it gives you more courage. I think it is that courage that helps relieve some of the anxiety. Sooner or later, I think our brains will start to remember things and help get our cns back on track. 

 

Feeling great for you and sending hugs and prayers for more of those windows to come to you!

Thank you Mirage and please let me know how you are doing as well -  this is not a one way street - we have to help each other.   My prayers are always with you xo

Love

Lee

 

[divalee]

52 minutes ago, apace41 said:

Well, THAT'S  a nice thing to hear, Lee!

You are taking this EXACTLY the right way.  You are disappointed it went away but you are taking it as the indication it is -- that you WILL heal.

 

I'm thrilled for you, Lee!

Best,

 

Andy

Thank you Andy - thanks to you and the wonderful way you explained - withdrawals and anxiety....You will never know how much you have helped me.

Please let me know how you are doing too - as I said to Mirage this is not a one way street - we are here to help each other....

Love

Lee

 

[wantrelief]

What wonderful news that you experienced a window, Lee!  

[divalee]

16 minutes ago, wantrelief said:

What wonderful news that you experienced a window, Lee!  

Thank you wantrelief -  This was a real window too - lasted all afternoon into the night....I had small windows really nothing to talk about but this was real first one like that in 5 years - I was losing all hope and courage although I never gave up.  But I am back in the dark place again but its okay - i had a beautiful window....I didnt know how to be and even scared - but it gave me the incentive, hope and courage again - I have it bad again but I will not be afraid again because no matter how bad it is I know I will heal now.....

 

Thank you so much for answering me.  How are you doing - are you doing okay.  No matter how I feel and I have been doing this for a very long time - I always do what I have to do but with lots of despair and no hope but continued anyway - maybe it paid off - ....So I dont know where you are if you are still tapering or off completely ..dont give up, never give up....we will all heal - if someone told me just believe it - I would not have believed it at all - but now I have seen it for myself

Believe It - just believe it

 

Love

Lee (f)

[mirage]

@divalee I really appreciate your support. It means a lot to me. 

 

I had an okay morning but as the day went on, I stated feeling pretty crumby. I think I over did it this week. I am a hairdresser and I worked 3 days in a row this week. Before this journey started, I worked 2, 10 hour days. In the beginning of this, I only worked 1 day and a few hours in that day. At about 6 months, I was able to add a second work day. But again, only a couple of hours. I have since been able to add, back, both of my work days, and ive been able to work about 4 to 6 hours each day. However, I think I got a smidge over confident and I added a third day, today. Even though I only worked 3 hours today, it put me over the edge. 

I do feel blessed that I can work and that I get to have time with my clients. All of them are lovely and have been VERY understanding. 

 

I just cooked dinner and cleaned everything up so i'm going to take the rest of the evening slow and relax. The dizziness is my strongest symptom and it gets worse the more tired I get and if I do too much. So right now, it is pretty bad. 

 

Lets keep each other inspired and we will, both, be writing our success stories. 

 

Hugs and prayers.

 

 

[wantrelief]

43 minutes ago, divalee said:

I have it bad again but I will not be afraid again because no matter how bad it is I know I will heal now.....

Really beautiful and inspiring, Lee.

[apace41]

3 hours ago, divalee said:

Thank you Andy - thanks to you and the wonderful way you explained - withdrawals and anxiety....You will never know how much you have helped me.

 

I'm glad, Lee.  Your window is a source of encouragement for me and others.  After 5 years for you to have improvement like that is an indication that healing can happen "behind the scenes" for some.  I'm happy to have given you some comfort.

 

3 hours ago, divalee said:

Please let me know how you are doing too

 

I'm the same as I've been, but I'm a little more hopeful given your recent news.  In the immortal words of Estelle Reiner in When Harry Met Sally, "I'll have what she's having."  In other words, I'd love a window just like yours.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[direstraits]

this is such wonderful news ,lee.

I'm so happy for you!

now you know you can and will heal!

hope you get another window very soon!

 

sending healing hugs to you.

love,ds

xx

[mirage]

@apace41 I'm wishing improvement for you and I love your, when Harry Met Sally, quote!

[apace41]

3 minutes ago, mirage said:

@apace41 I'm wishing improvement for you and I love your, when Harry Met Sally, quote!

 

Thanks, Mirage.  

 

As a 56 year old with male pattern baldness, your chosen career is probably not of use to me, but I'm glad to see you are able to continue working given that it requires standing and attention to detail.  Your dizziness is not keeping you from doing what you enjoy as a profession which is great.

 

You have a great spirit and are very encouraging.  We need as many like you as we can get.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[mirage]

@apace41 You have a great sense of humor! It is a great quality.

 

The dizziness and anxiety is always there, it does get worse when I over due it. I am managing to work part time but pushing myself. I just keep thinking the brain needs stability and i'm trying to keep as much,  "normal", as I had before this journey. I'm hoping that my brain will start to recognize things and rebalance. Not sure if that makes any sense but it keeps me going. 

 

Is the dizziness still with you? How are you doing? 

 

 

 

 

[apace41]

Thanks for that, Mirage.  One of the things I have not lost on this godforsaken journey!  LOL.

 

I see you are following me and I am now following you.  Thus, I will respond and then we can take further discussion to one of our threads so as not to take divalee's completely off the rails.

 

The dizziness is with me pretty much 24/7.  It's really an annoying symptom.  It is VERY common among anxiety sufferers, hence my conclusion that withdrawal has triggered my fight or flight (anxiety) system into a state of hyperstimulation.

 

Happy to expound on this if you'd like as I've written more about it on my thread.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[mirage]

@apace41 Yes, I want to keep conversation with divalee as well. 

 

I'll go back and look at your thread. One of my thoughts on the dizziness is the anxiety that has been brought on by going off the meds. I had a cast iron nervous system prior to all of this. Never had any anxiety or upset. I could handle and tackle anything so this is really difficult for me to get through and to figure out but, I will, by golly. I won't let it beat me. 

 

The dizziness is daily but I have had 4, pretty bad bouts of vertigo, throughout this journey. Each one was terrible spinning that stayed with me for several days and then the anxiety kicked in FULL FORCE! Vertigo is super scary. In order to push forward, I had to accept that the room may spin, and I can not do one thing to stop it. So, if it happens, then it does. I've also seen a vestibular specialist and I see a neurologist. My neurologist told me that these meds can affect the vestibular system since it is part of the nervous system. Even though it is in our inner ears, it is a large group of nerves. Those can be affected in withdrawal since our entire system gets turned upside down. I never had dizzy issues before this either. I could spin, turn, ride rides, with no issues. Now, I can't even lay flat on my back without the dizziness getting worse. I have to wonder, is it my vestibular system off track or is it anxiety? I guess could be a combination of both?

[divalee]

16 hours ago, mirage said:

@divalee I really appreciate your support. It means a lot to me. 

 

I had an okay morning but as the day went on, I stated feeling pretty crumby. I think I over did it this week. I am a hairdresser and I worked 3 days in a row this week. Before this journey started, I worked 2, 10 hour days. In the beginning of this, I only worked 1 day and a few hours in that day. At about 6 months, I was able to add a second work day. But again, only a couple of hours. I have since been able to add, back, both of my work days, and ive been able to work about 4 to 6 hours each day. However, I think I got a smidge over confident and I added a third day, today. Even though I only worked 3 hours today, it put me over the edge. 

I do feel blessed that I can work and that I get to have time with my clients. All of them are lovely and have been VERY understanding. 

 

I just cooked dinner and cleaned everything up so i'm going to take the rest of the evening slow and relax. The dizziness is my strongest symptom and it gets worse the more tired I get and if I do too much. So right now, it is pretty bad. 

 

Lets keep each other inspired and we will, both, be writing our success stories. 

 

Hugs and prayers.

 

 

Hello Mirage

Yes seems we are all different in the way things happen.  I am terrible in the morning and as the day goes on i feel a bit better, sometimes, though, not at all till night time.  I thank God most of the time I get some relief at night.  Yes I can relate when you say >before this journey started you worked 2, 1- hour days and continued to progress as time went by.  I think you are doing well Mirage -  just keep it up and never fight it just let it be and just keep on going - just as I am doing.  there is no other choice or else we will stay where we are.  -

 

I am back in the dark again after that window - but I have changed - I saw a window and now hope and courage has returned.  Still I am in pretty bad shape again.  Now I am going to the groomers to have my two cats groomed...my main problems is also dizziness, not outwardley but inside my head swims all the time. but I am going anyway - and each time we succeed - we are moving forward - to freedom.

 

Love

Lee

(f)

[divalee]

14 hours ago, apace41 said:

 

I'm glad, Lee.  Your window is a source of encouragement for me and others.  After 5 years for you to have improvement like that is an indication that healing can happen "behind the scenes" for some.  I'm happy to have given you some comfort.

 

 

I'm the same as I've been, but I'm a little more hopeful given your recent news.  In the immortal words of Estelle Reiner in When Harry Met Sally, "I'll have what she's having."  In other words, I'd love a window just like yours.

 

Best,

 

Andy

Hello Andy

I just got back from taking my cats to be groomed and boy how difficult - but no fear or at least I should say a lot less fear now.  I have to pick them up at 3 pm.

I am glad my window is a source of encouragement for you and others.   I am back very bad now - but less fear thanks to you.

 

I will pray for a beautiful window for you Andy -  I have the dizziness like you but also have visual disturbances - I know it is anxiety because when calm my vision is excellent - imagine what anxiety can do - double vision, blurred vision distorted vision - nothing wrong with my eyes - been to the Ophthalmologist -.  

 

Stay strong Andy and I promise I will too -  Healing is always happening - the Rubik<s Cube has to do its work - our wires have been so tangled up it takes a while to untangle - in the mean time we have to be strong and face our fears -  It is very bad today but it is always bad and I am still here and in excellent health - 

 

Still when we feel a bit better we always say - I can do this but when the wave hits us hard we realise how difficult it is......

 

Thank you once more Andy -  

 

Tear a star from out the sky

And the sky feels blue

Tear a petal from a rose

and the rose weeps too

 

And would you take the wings from birds

so that they can<t fly

Would you take the ocean<s roar 

And just leave the sky

 

No  - and we won<t let these symptoms tear us apart either

We want to be whole - Just like the stars, the rose, the birds and the ocean 

Has to be complete to survive...

 

Love

Lee (f)

 

 

[divalee]

4 hours ago, direstraits said:

this is such wonderful news ,lee.

I'm so happy for you!

now you know you can and will heal!

hope you get another window very soon!

 

sending healing hugs to you.

love,ds

xx

Thank you direstraits and I wish the same for you -  

How are you doing - I pray for all of us here -  to heal completely so that we can live again 

Love

Lee (f)

[divalee]

3 hours ago, apace41 said:

Thanks for that, Mirage.  One of the things I have not lost on this godforsaken journey!  LOL.

 

I see you are following me and I am now following you.  Thus, I will respond and then we can take further discussion to one of our threads so as not to take divalee's completely off the rails.

 

The dizziness is with me pretty much 24/7.  It's really an annoying symptom.  It is VERY common among anxiety sufferers, hence my conclusion that withdrawal has triggered my fight or flight (anxiety) system into a state of hyperstimulation.

 

Happy to expound on this if you'd like as I've written more about it on my thread.

 

Best,

 

Andy

It is okay Andy and Mirage you can use my thread - lol  I get to see how you both are doing at the same time. (smile)

Love

Lee

 

You are my sunshine my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are grey