divalee: 24 months off Zoloft

[mirage]

@divalee and @apace41 Hi dear friends. You are both a beacon of light in a journey that can be dark. Lee so glad you were able to get the cats to the groomer. I too, am a cat friend. I have 4 cats and 4 dogs. My 4 children are all grown. I spent several years volunteering for a rescue, hence, all of these animals. Hmm...looks like 4 is my lucky number. Never noticed how that number is so much in my life. 

 

Lee, I hear such positive in your messages. It is a ray of sunshine. More windows will come. I pray for them for the both of you. Andy, you seem like such a fun, intelligent person. Healing will come for you too. It is a matter of timing and patience. 

 

We all seem to have this dizziness that has stuck with us. I have a feeling, for me, it is going to be the last symptom to go. I can absolutely function with it. I have no balance issues but it does make me nauseas at times and, when bad, it ramps up the anxiety, which then ramps up the dizziness. Such a vicious cycle.

 

We shall over come. It is going to be such a great time when we are all writing our success stories. That day will come and I will be standing, crying and clapping for both of you. The sun will shine brighter than ever and the birds will sing louder. It is going to be glorious! 

 

Let the anxiety come and let it happen. The more we ignore it and don't give it more attention, then the weaker it becomes. WE, are stronger that it is! 

[divalee]

Hello Everyone

 

This is so difficult to grasp. Since that last window I had a couple or so weeks ago, and have been in a deep wave ever since, then this happened.

 

Last Saturday June 23rd, I woke up as usual with high anxiety, the sweats and crying looking forward to another horrible day.  I had a migraine which I get very often - feeling terrible and wondering how I was going to take the elderly lady, who is 97, grocery shopping.  I knew I would go anyway because I do, not matter what.

 

Suddenly just about 10 minutes before I left to pick her up - the migraine went away, the withdrawals barely there and I felt great???  I just had a slight light head but nothing to talk about.  I got in my car so happy, picked her up - and chatting a mile a minute - feeling so good.  My eyes were clear, no fogginess at all.   At McDonalds we stayed more than an hour just eating and talking.  It was so wonderful - I felt so normal.  This time though I wasn't frightened by it all - I just enjoyed it. I suppose it was because I was out.  I took her shopping, ran around getting stuff for her and smiling.  Usually I am very quiet and do not have much patience and avoid eye contact with everyone.  I was in such a good mood, smiling at people, even had conversation with the cashier - picked up those heavy bags as if they we as light as a feather.  I felt so strong and well...My eyes were perfect - no distortion at all.  I was living in a place where I have not been in years -

 

When I got home - I was still okay, spoke on the phone to my cousin and a friend with ease.  I never talk to them about my WDs - because people just don't understand and I try to be as normal as they are - trying to be normal even when in a wave, is very important.

 

Anyway, as night approached I didn't feel as good, started to get anxious but was still okay.  Next morning all hell broke loose and my WDs were back full blown.  We always think that the WDs are worse when we have a window because we are so disappointed and it is so much harder to cope the first day it is back.    Then we settle down in this black hole again - struggling so much, but still doing everything I have to do.

 

I am in the wave 4 days since that wonderful window...WHAT HAPPENS, why does this happen - it is almost like a cruel joke.  Today I have to go and do lots of messages feeling so bad with such high anxiety.  I know I will do it - I always do - I talk to myself saying that you have had two windows in less than a month -  you will have them again...don't despair -  but I do despair and just want to give up because I am so tired - so very tired of struggling so much day after day.  But like Andy said - when you have a window - run with it - and know that you will have more.   In these waves we must really be as strong and have hope and courage- and that is what I so desperately do -   When in a window it is like a miracle happened - then that miracle is taken away from you in a split second....

 

I pray for all of you so that you will not give up, stay strong, keep your hope, and just carry on -  We must, we have no other choice -   I thank God for this group - Thank you.

 

Love

Lee (f)

 

This is how you feel - when you have a window - breaking free from bondage.

 

[mirage]

@divalee You are making it!!!! I love hearing this! It is happening. You are healing.

 

It is so great that you continue to push through each day and continue with life and activities. All of this will pay off for you and I think you will be better than ever. These years of your journey have given you such strength and tools to rebuild yourself. It is just glorious. Hang on to that during the waves. I am cheering you on and sending hugs and prayers. Love the picture. It depicts this well. 

[divalee]

25 minutes ago, mirage said:

@divalee You are making it!!!! I love hearing this! It is happening. You are healing.

 

It is so great that you continue to push through each day and continue with life and activities. All of this will pay off for you and I think you will be better than ever. These years of your journey have given you such strength and tools to rebuild yourself. It is just glorious. Hang on to that during the waves. I am cheering you on and sending hugs and prayers. Love the picture. It depicts this well. 

Oh maan it is so hard to have such a super window and right back where I was and God knows for how long - It is so disappointing and so hard to struggle all over again.  I know it was just half a day but it was wonderful...Such a cruel joke.

 

But I won<t give up everyone here knows that -  I just look up at the heavens and say  WHY -  but when I had that wonderful window with my eyes so clear and no fog - I looked up at the heavens and said THANK YOU....

 

I hope you are still doing well - it seems you have dizziness to contend with but it doesn't stop you from living, which is super news....That will one day disappear too.

 

Thank you for taking the time to answer me...

Love

Lee (f)

 

Yes xo

[wantrelief]

I am sorry you have to contend with being back in a wave, Lee.....it would be so hard to have a taste of normalcy and then go back to feeling badly.  However, it is so positive you have had these great windows so close together!!  I enjoyed reading your description of how you felt during that last window, how you felt so strong and well and were talking to people with ease - wonderful.  You brain is showing you that you will have these moments again, now you know what is possible!  

[apace41]

1 hour ago, divalee said:

Suddenly just about 10 minutes before I left to pick her up - the migraine went away, the withdrawals barely there and I felt great???  I just had a slight light head but nothing to talk about.  I got in my car so happy, picked her up - and chatting a mile a minute - feeling so good.  My eyes were clear, no fogginess at all.   At McDonalds we stayed more than an hour just eating and talking.  It was so wonderful - I felt so normal.  This time though I wasn't frightened by it all - I just enjoyed it. I suppose it was because I was out.  I took her shopping, ran around getting stuff for her and smiling.  Usually I am very quiet and do not have much patience and avoid eye contact with everyone.  I was in such a good mood, smiling at people, even had conversation with the cashier - picked up those heavy bags as if they we as light as a feather.  I felt so strong and well...My eyes were perfect - no distortion at all.  I was living in a place where I have not been in years -

 

Lee,

 

I think you need to step back and get some perspective.  Just 10 days ago (more or less) you were on the verge of "giving up".  You were "hopeless" and would "never heal."  Then you had a great window which scared you due to its foreign nature.  It ended and you went into a wave.  Then 4 days ago you had another window only better because you sort of anticipated it might happen and enjoyed it.  Then it went away into another wave.  I think this can all be summed up in one word -- HEALING!

 

Think of where you were and where you are and then count the blessings.  You are on the way to full recovery.  Patience here is the key.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[mirage]

@divalee I love that you are including God. I lean on God everyday  and always have throughout my life. It is important to have faith, always, but especially when taking a journey such as this one. 

 

I am doing okay. Making sure I live each and every day. The dizziness has gotten better. The anxiety is crazy. It just comes on with no reason and is always there to greet me every morning. 😀

 

You post the best, uplifting messages. You are such a positive to others. 

[divalee]

Mirage, I am so happy the dizziness is leaving you - In time so will the  anxiety. 

 

Stay well and take good care of yourself.  Keep us posted in how you are doing.

 

Thank you for taking the time to answer me -

 

Love

Lee

xxx

 

[divalee]

4 hours ago, apace41 said:

 

Lee,

 

I think you need to step back and get some perspective.  Just 10 days ago (more or less) you were on the verge of "giving up".  You were "hopeless" and would "never heal."  Then you had a great window which scared you due to its foreign nature.  It ended and you went into a wave.  Then 4 days ago you had another window only better because you sort of anticipated it might happen and enjoyed it.  Then it went away into another wave.  I think this can all be summed up in one word -- HEALING!

 

Think of where you were and where you are and then count the blessings.  You are on the way to full recovery.  Patience here is the key.

 

Best,

 

Andy

Yes Andy, I know and understand what you are saying.  It is just that when you never had a Window for so, so long, months and maybe in to a year - and suddenly you have one - yes the first one I didn't know how to be and didn't enjoy it much because was so scared.  Second one about a month later (4 days ago) it was even better and enjoyed it.  What I am trying to say is that when the wave comes back with such force and not one bit better at all, the same deep wave - you really do just want to give up. 

 

This disappointment is like the horses on the merry go round after years of bondage, are set free, they ran so fast, they couldn't believe they were free - can you imagine if they were caught again and returned to the live on the merry-go-round.  That is exactly how I am feeling now -  But I know me, I know I am angry because I work so hard and never give in and I seem to never get anywhere.  BUT I did have two windows - I did....and this gives me the spark of hope I need to keep going.

 

Thank you Andy for taking the time to answer me.  I pray that you will come here soon and say that you too have experienced a window - You will heal Andy - just as you tell me I will heal - we will - we have to have patience and boy I think all of us have learned that.

 

Stay well,

Love

Lee (f)

 

 

 

 

 

[divalee]

4 hours ago, wantrelief said:

I am sorry you have to contend with being back in a wave, Lee.....it would be so hard to have a taste of normalcy and then go back to feeling badly.  However, it is so positive you have had these great windows so close together!!  I enjoyed reading your description of how you felt during that last window, how you felt so strong and well and were talking to people with ease - wonderful.  You brain is showing you that you will have these moments again, now you know what is possible!  

Thank you  Wantrelief

Yes it is so wonderful to have a window - but so horrible to go back into that wave again.  At least I know now that a window can indeed happen...and will again. 

 

How are you doing.  I hope you are doing well and have many windows.

Love

Lee (f)

 

[divalee]

Hello Everyone

 

Monthly update from me:

 

I have had 3 windows this last month.  They were half days right up until bed time.  Wave is back with a vengeance - seems worse than ever but course it might just seem that way.  When in a window it is so hard to imagine the depth of despair when in a wave,  and when in a wave it is so hard to see the light again.   When we experience these lovely windows and then return to the wave, it seems so much harder and so hard to keep on hoping.  Hope is slowly leaving me. 

 

I use to be able to at least go to my appointments, groceries, etc better than I am able to do it now.  I feel I am just getting worse and worse.  I try to hang on to those lovely windows to help myself survive - 

 

Even in this nightmare wave I still do what I have to do as always but finding it harder and harder.  It frightens me and so disappointments me - because I thought by facing our fears and doing it anyway ... would help...but it doesn<t .

 

I have had these symptoms since I went off Zoloft completely on May 17, 2013.  5 years and 2 months now.   Same symptoms only they are worse.  The anxiety is worse of course, anyone would have high anxiety going through this.  Panic attacks are worse too because now my fear is - this is it...I will never be okay.  

 

I have appointment with neurologist for my migraines in August and my Ophthalmologist too.  I cry because I think I wont be able to go.  Yet I do go no matter what I do go.  I cry more doing it but I still do it.

 

These symptoms of blocked ears, migraines, a swimming feeling in my head which is hard to explain because not dizzy outwardly e.g. walking.  I notice when I do walk though that  I feel my balance is off.  Distorted vision, pins and needles all over my face, lips, etc.  constant head pressure, my head is never clear.  Night sweats, waking up soaking wet, high anxiety and crying to face another day of torture.  Physically all those aches and pains are no longer there.    I have been to ENT my ears are clear and so are my sinuses. So why do my sinuses feel blocked.  Ophthalmologist finds nothing wrong with my vision.  

 

I am a very strong person - but now this strength and hope and inner strength is leaving me.

 

Will update again next month - and hopefully I can give better news.

 

Thank you for letting me vent here - I don't talk about it to anyone else because I have found that they do not understand and so you stop talking about it and you are on your own.   We are on our own anyway -  No one can help us except ourselves - 

 

Until we have felt our own pain, we cannot feel the pain of others.....trust me - I can feel your pain all who are going through this, and you are always in my prayers to that you shall heal from all of this.....Please do not give up -  we must not give up - 

 

You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are grey

You'll never know dear

How much I love you

Please don't take ...my sunshine....away

 

Much Love

Lee xoxo

 

[apace41]

8 minutes ago, divalee said:

I have had 3 windows this last month.  They were half days right up until bed time.

 

Lee,

 

With all due respect, and I know how hard this whole process is, there are plenty of people who have not yet seen ANY window.  You had 3 this month when just a few months back you had 5 years with virtually no windows!

 

To me, while it is painfully slow, this is a great sign that YOU ARE HEALING!  If your body can do it 3 times in the month, there seems to be no logical reason it can't get to the point where it does it ALL THE TIME.  

 

This is not a time to be losing hope, Lee, it is a time to be GAINING IT.

 

Take some time to reassess, breathe, and see if you don't see it the same way.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[RachelSusan]

Hi Divalee,

Feel free to vent, that's what we are here for.  I'm sorry to hear you are suffering so. I have experienced many of the symptoms you described and they are awful.  If you can just manage to get through each day and hold on I believe better times are coming for you.

xo

RS

[divalee]

35 minutes ago, apace41 said:

 

Lee,

 

With all due respect, and I know how hard this whole process is, there are plenty of people who have not yet seen ANY window.  You had 3 this month when just a few months back you had 5 years with virtually no windows!

 

To me, while it is painfully slow, this is a great sign that YOU ARE HEALING!  If your body can do it 3 times in the month, there seems to be no logical reason it can't get to the point where it does it ALL THE TIME.  

 

This is not a time to be losing hope, Lee, it is a time to be GAINING IT.

 

Take some time to reassess, breathe, and see if you don't see it the same way.

 

Best,

 

Andy

Yes I know Andy and I should be grateful.  Those windows were not perfect - just a lot of relief - but they were so welcomed.  I know I should no be losing hope and I try to hard - but I am exhausted - this constant pressure in my head and dizzy feeling and all never lets up - but it does at night somewhat so I am thankful for that.  

 

I am sorry for being so selfish - I truly understand what you are saying Andy.

 

Thank you - you have lifted my spirits somewhat, as you always do.

 

Much love

Lee

I always keep you in my prayers for your healing Andy.

[apace41]

1 minute ago, divalee said:

I am sorry for being so selfish - I truly understand what you are saying Andy.

 

Lee,

 

The last word I would use to describe you is "selfish."  To do all you do and care for your 90+ year old friend feeling so poorly, you are indeed SELFLESS.

 

I'm simply trying to let you know that you are not in as bad a place as the withdrawal is trying to trick you into believing.  You are making progress and with progress comes hope.  

 

It's slow, it sucks and it shouldn't be your (or any of our) lot in life, but you are getting through it.

 

Keep the faith (I know you have plenty) and it will happen with time and patience.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[divalee]

41 minutes ago, RachelSusan said:

Hi Divalee,

Feel free to vent, that's what we are here for.  I'm sorry to hear you are suffering so. I have experienced many of the symptoms you described and they are awful.  If you can just manage to get through each day and hold on I believe better times are coming for you.

xo

RS

Thank you Rachel for taking the time to answer me

 

Are you free of all those symptoms now....are you feeling better.  

 

Yes that is what I do, I manage to get through each day - always feeling a bit better at night, only to wake up to face another horrible day.  It is exhausting and scary - but I wont give up.  

 

I hope you are healing and doing well.

Love

Lee

 

[divalee]

7 minutes ago, apace41 said:

 

Lee,

 

The last word I would use to describe you is "selfish."  To do all you do and care for your 90+ year old friend feeling so poorly, you are indeed SELFLESS.

 

I'm simply trying to let you know that you are not in as bad a place as the withdrawal is trying to trick you into believing.  You are making progress and with progress comes hope.  

 

It's slow, it sucks and it shouldn't be your (or any of our) lot in life, but you are getting through it.

 

Keep the faith (I know you have plenty) and it will happen with time and patience.

 

Best,

 

Andy

Yes I know what you are saying - being here gives me the strength to go on - knowing I am not alone and many have the same symptoms I have -  but many are still tapering - I am off 5 years and 2 months.  How many have been off that long and still having withdrawals.  I don't see too many.    I know there are some like Alto took a very long time -  I am glad that she is better now.

 

Stay well and I pray for your healing Andy.

Love

Lee

 

[apace41]

1 minute ago, divalee said:

How many have been off that long and still having withdrawals.

 

Lee,

 

It's really hard to say who is where in the process.  I think you are most likely in the class of people who have had the longest struggles but your case is hardly "one of a kind" unfortunately.  I'm aware of at least one person who was more like 10 years but then healed.  Plus, you never know how it might go -- you might go from here to very much healed in a month while someone else may do very slow healing over a very long time once it starts.  All you can do is hope to improve and you are -- however slowly.

 

Thank you for your prayers.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[jonnypeters1234567]

49 minutes ago, divalee said:

Yes I know what you are saying - being here gives me the strength to go on - knowing I am not alone and many have the same symptoms I have -  but many are still tapering - I am off 5 years and 2 months.  How many have been off that long and still having withdrawals.  I don't see too many.    I know there are some like Alto took a very long time -  I am glad that she is better now.

 

Stay well and I pray for your healing Andy.

Love

Lee

 

 

Sorry to hear you are struggling this far out. Have you had any surgeries in the 5 years?

[divalee]

19 minutes ago, jonnypeters1234567 said:

 

Sorry to hear you are struggling this far out. Have you had any surgeries in the 5 years?

No I have not had any surgeries at all.  Why do you ask Jonny.  How are you doing.  

Lee (f)

xo

 

[divalee]

1 hour ago, apace41 said:

 

Lee,

 

It's really hard to say who is where in the process.  I think you are most likely in the class of people who have had the longest struggles but your case is hardly "one of a kind" unfortunately.  I'm aware of at least one person who was more like 10 years but then healed.  Plus, you never know how it might go -- you might go from here to very much healed in a month while someone else may do very slow healing over a very long time once it starts.  All you can do is hope to improve and you are -- however slowly.

 

Thank you for your prayers.

 

Best,

 

Andy

Yes Unfortunately I am in that class but at least I know I am not alone.  I see that you are still on but tapering.  Good luck Andy and I hope when you are off completely that you will have a very short healing time.

Love

Lee

 

[jonnypeters1234567]

5 minutes ago, divalee said:

No I have not had any surgeries at all.  Why do you ask Jonny.  How are you doing.  

Lee (f)

xo

 

 I have read it can set people back. I am very bad at 13 months off

[divalee]

I am sorry you are struggling at 13 months off Jonny, what are your symptoms.  I know this is scary, but we all do heal - some take longer than others but we do heal.  Stay strong.

Lee

xxx

[jonnypeters1234567]

Not feeling on this planet is the main sympton I have most of the time, along with every other mental one.

 

It must get easier or else people would give up?

 

 

[jonnypeters1234567]

The head pressure and brain fog with derealization i have daily for about 2 hours which is really frightening

[divalee]

Yes Jonny it does get easier - just keep coming here and posting - keep the faith - what you are going through is normal withdrawal.  You will heal.

Love

Lee (f)

 

[divalee]

1 hour ago, jonnypeters1234567 said:

The head pressure and brain fog with derealization i have daily for about 2 hours which is really frightening

Yes it is frightening but you see, it does go away.  Some people have the brain fog with derealization all day - so thank goodness you have it for only two hours.  When you are in that - just say to yourself -  this too will pass - know that it will and you wont be so frightened

 

Love

Lee (f)

 

[jonnypeters1234567]

When did yours clear up? I dont mind if it comes and goes but every day is relentless. How are functional are you now?

 

I know we all different

[coldturkmama]

My head pressure lasted 2.5 years with windows and waves along the way. One day I realize do hadn’t had it and it only comes back when I am in a wave.  Before it was daily.

im a cold turkey case tho. 

[jonnypeters1234567]

Thats promising, thank you.

[jonnypeters1234567]

The cycle seems to be at the end of each year there is a big wave. We spend the year getting slowly better then the wave hits and we are back to bad but not as bad as the year before and more in reallity each time. It seems like the bodies way of tapering.

[divalee]

Coldturkmama

Thank goodness you are seeing progress - it gives us courage to keep going..  Good luck 

Love

Lee

 

[Bluemoon1]

This is so discouraging. You’re over 5 years off and still suffering?

 

[RachelSusan]

Lee,

I am free of most of the symptoms.  I still have the burning skin as a baseline. Some of the other symptoms return the first two weeks of any taper but then they gradually go away again. I am a Zoloft victim as well, however I was lucky enough to be able to reinstate.  So many people haven't been as fortunate as I have been.  I did have a cold turkey that lasted two or three months and it was hideous. Beyond hideous.  I do believe better days are coming your way.

xoxo

RS

[thecowisback]

hi divalee - i was reading your thread and wondered how you are doing? 

[apace41]

Hi, Lee.

 

Been a long time since we've heard from you.  How are you doing these days?

Best,

 

Andy