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http://www.680news.com/2015/06/16/colorado-theatre-shooters-university-psychiatrist-expected-to-testify-against-him/

 

 
 
 
Colorado theatre shooter's university psychiatrist expected to testify against him

by SADIE GURMAN, THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

Posted Jun 16, 2015 1:42 am EDT

 

Last Updated Jun 16, 2015 at 2:10 am EDT

 

CENTENNIAL, Colo. – A psychiatrist who treated Colorado theatre shooter James Holmes is expected to testify against him in his death penalty trial.

Prosecutors say they will call Lynne Fenton to the stand on Tuesday. Her testimony is among the most highly anticipated, as she was the mental health professional with the most access to Holmes’ mind before he opened fire on a crowded movie theatre, killing 12 and injuring 70. It could help answer lingering questions about what she did after Holmes told her he was having thoughts of killing people.

She told a campus police officer about her concerns in June 2012, a month before the attack.

A lawsuit against Fenton and the University of Colorado says she refused an officer’s offer to place Holmes on a 72-hour psychiatric hold.

 

WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG
Had a car accident in 85
Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89
Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year
Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above.
One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking.

As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/

There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in :)

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Against him? Or just called by the prosecution.

 

This is what he said about her in his diary. the drugs she wrote might have been the strat the broke the camel's back....

 

THE SHRINKS

#1 Mel, last name unknown

#1b Evaluator Margaret Roath

#2 Lynne Fenton

#3 Robert Feinstein

1. Family therapy with Mel. Revealed nothing as to not appear weak amongst family. Was a kid a the time. Parasuicide, mother noticed, asked what happened, replied paper cut. No further investigation. Clean bill of health. Decided to live life to killing others so that I could live.

 

PAGE 53

1.5 Requested appointment for anxiety diagnosis with anxiety or depression (diagnosis unknown)… possibly to avoid stigmatization. Referred to psychiatrist. [some chick talked him into this.]

2. Immediately prescribed antidepressants (fast acting benzos, long lasting SSRIs - Sertraline). Sertraline primarily antidepressant not anxiolytic. [He wasn't depressed but she wrote zoloft.]

 

3. Anxiety and depression both serotonergic system anyway though. [he bought the sertotonin thing] No effect when needed. First appearance of mania occurs, not good mania. Anxiety and fear disappears. No more fear of failure. Fear of failure drove determination to improve, better and succeed in life. No fear of consequences. Primary drive aversion to hatred of mankind. Intense aversion of people, cause unknown. Began long ago, suppressed by greater fear of others. No more fear, hatred anchored. Starts small. Buy stun gun and folding knife. Research firearms laws and mental illness. Buy handguns. Committed. - Shotgun, - AR-15, 2nd handgun. Wildcard: explosives. Simplest and least suspicious: gasoline and oil. Acquire remote detonation system and body armor, practicing shooting at Byers Canyon rifle range. Can’t tell the mind rapists plan. If plan is disclosed both “normal” life and ideal enactment on hatred foiled.

2009: Cancer hospital said I had adjustment disorder because I thought they were doing it wrong. Their headshrinker prescribed Effexor, and my life set on a new course. I didn't know what was ahead, like a passenger on Disneyland's Matterhorn, smiling and waving as it climbs...clink, clink, clink.

2010: Post surgical accidental Effexor discontinuation by nurses, masked by intravenous Dilaudid. (The car is balanced at the top of the track.) I get home, pop a Vicodin, and ...

Whooosh...down, down, down, down, down...goes the trajectory of my life, up goes my mood and tendency to think everything is a good idea.
2012: After the bipolar jig was up, now a walking bag of unrelated symptoms, I went crazy on Daytrana (the Ritalin skin patch by Noven), because ADHD was a perfect fit for a bag of unrelated symptoms. I was prescribed Effexor for the nervousness of it, and things got neurological. An EEG showed enough activity to warrant an epilepsy diagnosis rather than non-epileptic ("psychogenic") seizures.

:o 2013-2014: Quit everything and got worse. I probably went through DAWS: dopamine agonist withdrawal syndrome. I drank to not feel, but I felt a lot: dread, fear, regret, grief: an utter sense of total loss of everything worth breathing about, for almost two years.

I was not suicidal but I wanted to be dead, at least dead to the experience of my own brain and body.

2015: I  began to recover after adding virgin coconut oil and organic grass-fed fed butter to a cup of instant coffee in the morning.

I did it hoping for mental acuity and better memory. After ten days of that, I was much better, mood-wise. Approximately neutral.

And, I experienced drowsiness. I could sleep. Not exactly happy, I did 30 days on Wellbutrin, because it had done me no harm in the past. 

I don't have the DAWS mood or state of mind. It never feel like doing anything if it means standing up.

In fact, I don't especially like moving. I'm a brain with a beanbag body.   :unsure:

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That is interesting: 

 

I copied from a page: 

 

here it says the same:

CENTENNIALColo. - A psychiatrist who treated Colorado theatre shooter James Holmes is expected to testify against him in his death penalty trial.Prosecutors say they will call Lynne Fenton to the . 

 

and here

 

  • Psychiatrist: Colorado shooter never revealed murderous plan
    www.usnews.com/.../theater-shooters-psychiatrist-set-to-testify-against-hi...
    •  
    1 day ago - CENTENNIALColo. (AP) — A psychiatrist who treated Colorado theater shooter James Holmes is expected to testify against him in his death penalty trial.

 

  • Colorado theater shooter's university psychiatrist expected ...
    www.foxnews.com/.../colorado-theater-shooter-university-psychiatrist-ex...
    •  

    2 days ago - psychiatrist who treated Colorado theater shooter James Holmes isexpected to testify against him in his death penalty trial. ... file photo, Aurora theater shooting suspect James Holmes appears in court in CentennialColo.

     

     

    • Theater shooter's psychiatrist set to testify against him - Las ...
      lasvegassun.com/news/.../theater-shooters-psychiatrist-set-to-testify-again/

      2 days ago - CENTENNIALColo. (AP) — A psychiatrist who treated Colorado theater shooter James Holmes is expected to testify against him in his death penalty trial. Prosecutors say they will call Lynne Fenton to the stand on Tuesday.

       

       

      • Theater shooter's psychiatrist set to testify against him | Daily ...
        www.dailymail.co.uk/.../Theater-shooters-psychiatrist-set-testify-against-hi...

        2 days ago - Theater shooter's psychiatrist set to testify against him ... attack on aColorado movie theater is expected to testify in his death penalty trial on Tuesday. ...shooting suspect James Holmes appears in court in CentennialColo. ... Holmes'death penalty trial has revived unresolved questions about whether he ...

         

         

        Colorado theatre shooter's university psychiatrist expected ...
        www.alaskahighwaynews.ca/colorado-theatre-shooter-s-university-psych...
        •  

        2 days ago - CENTENNIALColo. - A psychiatrist who treated Colorado theatre shooter James Holmes is expected to testify against him in his death penalty trial.Prosecutors say they will call Lynne Fenton to the . . 

         

         

        • Theater shooter's university psychiatrist set to testify | Online ...
          worldnewsforums.org/.../theater-shooters-university-psychiatrist-set-to-te...
          •  

          2 days ago - psychiatrist who treated Colorado theater shooter James Holmes isexpected to testify against him in his death penalty trial. Prosecutors say ... E-messages give glimpse into theater shooter's decline CENTENNIALColo.

           

          You get the picture they all say AGAINST him. 

          And I am quite sure I copied Against in the first post from the original text as I am too lazy and dull minded to go making crap up ... especially about something so very tragic. 

           

          Oddly tho when I go to the page where I copied that word it no longer says against... yet it was obviously the head line for many news agencies. 

           

          maybe it is not cool for all the psych patients to see a shrink testifying again a patient...

           

          as in your ass or mine... 

           

           we all know who wins there... bad for business

          sniff sniff I think I smell a rat... 

WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG
Had a car accident in 85
Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89
Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year
Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above.
One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking.

As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/

There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in :)

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Against him? Or just called by the prosecution.

 

This is what he said about her in his diary. the drugs she wrote might have been the strat the broke the camel's back....

 

THE SHRINKS

#1 Mel, last name unknown

#1b Evaluator Margaret Roath

#2 Lynne Fenton

#3 Robert Feinstein

1. Family therapy with Mel. Revealed nothing as to not appear weak amongst family. Was a kid a the time. Parasuicide, mother noticed, asked what happened, replied paper cut. No further investigation. Clean bill of health. Decided to live life to killing others so that I could live.

 

PAGE 53

1.5 Requested appointment for anxiety diagnosis with anxiety or depression (diagnosis unknown)… possibly to avoid stigmatization. Referred to psychiatrist. [some chick talked him into this.]

2. Immediately prescribed antidepressants (fast acting benzos, long lasting SSRIs - Sertraline). Sertraline primarily antidepressant not anxiolytic. [He wasn't depressed but she wrote zoloft.]

 

3. Anxiety and depression both serotonergic system anyway though. [he bought the sertotonin thing] No effect when needed. First appearance of mania occurs, not good mania. Anxiety and fear disappears. No more fear of failure. Fear of failure drove determination to improve, better and succeed in life. No fear of consequences. Primary drive aversion to hatred of mankind. Intense aversion of people, cause unknown. Began long ago, suppressed by greater fear of others. No more fear, hatred anchored. Starts small. Buy stun gun and folding knife. Research firearms laws and mental illness. Buy handguns. Committed. - Shotgun, - AR-15, 2nd handgun. Wildcard: explosives. Simplest and least suspicious: gasoline and oil. Acquire remote detonation system and body armor, practicing shooting at Byers Canyon rifle range. Can’t tell the mind rapists plan. If plan is disclosed both “normal” life and ideal enactment on hatred foiled.

do you have a link for this?

WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG
Had a car accident in 85
Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89
Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year
Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above.
One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking.

As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/

There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in :)

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Fenton saw Holmes five times in 2012 while he was a neuroscience graduate student at the University of Colorado.

 

No doubt he had some knowledge of how the mind worked... since this was his area of study. 

 

But Holmes said he pointedly kept Fenton uninformed of his murderous plots, and he quit seeing her when he withdrew from school more than a month before the attack. He never told her about the arsenal of weapons he was assembling. His elaborate schemes and to-do lists were kept in a journal that he didn’t mail to her until hours before the assault.

That notebook — including $400 in burned $20 bills to show that he could no longer afford her therapy after withdrawing from school — lingered in a campus mailroom for days thereafter.

His list for their sessions included: “Prevent building false sense of rapport … deflect incriminating questions … can’t tell the mind rapists plan.”

Seems he was having money problems maybe that is why he quit therapy... very sad and tragic outcome for all involved. They did not mention any drugs in this article.

http://www.news1130.com/2015/06/15/colorado-theatre-shooters-university-psychiatrist-expected-to-testify-against-him/ 

WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG
Had a car accident in 85
Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89
Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year
Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above.
One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking.

As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/

There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in :)

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http://www.naturalnews.com/039796_James_Holmes_psychiatric_drugs_antidepressants.html

Those search warrants reveal James Holmes was taking a chemical cocktail of psychiatric drugs, including:

• Sertraline, a generic version of Zoloft (antidepressant)
• Clonazepam, a benzodiazepine drug known to have "hypnotic properties"

Learn more: http://www.naturalnews.com/039796_James_Holmes_psychiatric_drugs_antidepressants.html#ixzz3dNSJcClF

WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG
Had a car accident in 85
Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89
Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year
Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above.
One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking.

As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/

There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in :)

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I know what I am going to say may not be popular on this forum but I don't think you can always directly blame psych meds for the crimes of a mass murderer.   In some cases, it is quite clear to me that meds were to blame while in other cases, like with Columbine, those killers were quite evil way before meds entered into the picture.

 

What frustrates me about this case and the one with the German Pilot is there is I haven't been able to find a history of what they were like before drugs entered in the picture.   Were people in their lives shocked that this happened?  I don't recall this happening with Holmes but it seemed folks were regarding the pilot.

 

Anyway, I just don't think it helps our case when we automatically blame psych meds for all crimes.  I am not minimizing their impact by any means as they definitely don't help any situation and make it alot worse even if the person was already heading towards criminal activities.   But at the same time, I just don't think it is wise to automatically assume that psych meds are to blame even if they are in the picture.

 

CS

 

PS - What also complicates the situation is information is not forthcoming in many cases so it is really hard to make a fair determination of the impact of the psych meds on the crimes.

Drug cocktail 1995 - 2010
Started taper of Adderall, Wellbutrin XL, Remeron, and Doxepin in 2006
Finished taper on June 10, 2010

Temazepam on a PRN basis approximately twice a month - 2014 to 2016

Beginning in 2017 - Consumption increased to about two times per week

April 2017 - Increased to taking it full time for insomnia

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has anyone seen recent information about the immediate investigation of this?  some people had initially felt like it had some signs of being a false-flag attack with potential government involvement.  i was reading up on it as it was happening, and shortly thereafter...most significantly reading a message board where people were liveposting updates straight from the police scanners and personal experience (in being there) as the police were searching the mall at gunpoint and reporting secondary gear stowages at the theatre and stuff.  almost all of this early information was either misreported or completely glossed over by media outlets, and i dont know if any real media reference remains in the current dialogue.

 

there is a ton of data manipulation (towards political and economic ends) regarding statistics on mass shootings, gun crime, etc, and also claims (which i have not researched enough to comment as to the degree of substantiation of) that government organizations sometimes have a hand in seeming snap-incidents of brazen violence---hypnotic suggestion or other psycho-chemical means of coercion of vulnerable individuals.  i dont claim to know how much truth there is to those matters, but two things we DO know for sure are: the information, be it general statistics or the specifics of cases, cannot be trusted; secondly, there are methods of psychological, physical, and chemical influence that the government has investigated and practiced on citizens (of this country and others) for many decades.

 

as is often the case when someone does something rather cracked, i dont think the cause can be boiled down to a single culpable factor.  we have a 'justice system' of blame rather than actual social change...but people dont imagine it to be too far removed from the coliseum days anyway.  i dont predict anything meaningful coming from the pursuit of this case.

from 2005-2012, i spent 7 years taking 17 different psychotropic medications covering several classes.  i would be taking 3-7 medications at a time, and 6 out of the 17 medications listed below were maxed or overmaxed in clinical dosage before i moved on to trying the next unhelpful cocktail.
 
antidepressants (SSRIs, SNRIs, NDRIs, tetracyclics): zoloft, wellbutrin, effexor, lexapro, prozac, cymbalta, remeron
antipsychotics (atypical): abilify, zyprexa, risperdal, geodon
sleep aids (benzos, off-label antidepressants & antipsychotics, hypnotics): seroquel, temazepam, trazodone, ambien
anxiolytics: buspar
anticonvulsants: topamax
 
i tapered off all psychotropics from late 2011 through early 2013, one by one.  since quitting, ive been cycling through severe, disabling withdrawal symptoms spanning the gamut of the serious, less serious, and rather worrisome side effects of these assorted medications.  previous cross-tapering and medication or dosage changes had also caused undiagnosed withdrawal symptoms.
 
brainpan addlepation

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I'm not trying to help or hurt a cause--I see drugs in this one.

 

The link to this topic on Facebook and Twitter might help people who want to hurt the cause, but it's for the the cause.

Vive le cause!

 

Here's his college roommate's story --just found

http://www.redicecreations.com/article.php?id=21150

 

Transcribed diary

http://thecrimediaries.tumblr.com/

 

Handwritten diary with Lieberman notes [sidebar--was Lieberman outright lying? He's way off imho. A thought--he might have been covering for Fenton out of "professional courtesy,"not conspiracy. Her reputation is yet another reason he should not have commented. Bad medical ethics all around.)

https://www.themarshallproject.org/documents/2091448-james-holmes-notebook-annotated-by-dr-jeffrey#document/p14/a221174

 

salient:

--Holmes had gotten into grad school in a hard science AFAIK. Good grades, GREs, and letters from his profs in undergrad years are normally needed.

 

--I don't know if he started the diary before or after zoloft. A woman he'd been involved with (a little bit) got him to go to a shrink. I think she testified. Knowing when and why will help. I bet BTDT already posted it :)

 

--He reported big bad changes upon starting the drugs -- that's a biggie

 

--His face. Ugh. My eyebrows stuck up like that on the too-high Ritalin dose, and it took weeks for them to go down once I got off it. EDIT: the two in lower left look undrugged.

post-3474-0-95784300-1434664240_thumb.jpg

2009: Cancer hospital said I had adjustment disorder because I thought they were doing it wrong. Their headshrinker prescribed Effexor, and my life set on a new course. I didn't know what was ahead, like a passenger on Disneyland's Matterhorn, smiling and waving as it climbs...clink, clink, clink.

2010: Post surgical accidental Effexor discontinuation by nurses, masked by intravenous Dilaudid. (The car is balanced at the top of the track.) I get home, pop a Vicodin, and ...

Whooosh...down, down, down, down, down...goes the trajectory of my life, up goes my mood and tendency to think everything is a good idea.
2012: After the bipolar jig was up, now a walking bag of unrelated symptoms, I went crazy on Daytrana (the Ritalin skin patch by Noven), because ADHD was a perfect fit for a bag of unrelated symptoms. I was prescribed Effexor for the nervousness of it, and things got neurological. An EEG showed enough activity to warrant an epilepsy diagnosis rather than non-epileptic ("psychogenic") seizures.

:o 2013-2014: Quit everything and got worse. I probably went through DAWS: dopamine agonist withdrawal syndrome. I drank to not feel, but I felt a lot: dread, fear, regret, grief: an utter sense of total loss of everything worth breathing about, for almost two years.

I was not suicidal but I wanted to be dead, at least dead to the experience of my own brain and body.

2015: I  began to recover after adding virgin coconut oil and organic grass-fed fed butter to a cup of instant coffee in the morning.

I did it hoping for mental acuity and better memory. After ten days of that, I was much better, mood-wise. Approximately neutral.

And, I experienced drowsiness. I could sleep. Not exactly happy, I did 30 days on Wellbutrin, because it had done me no harm in the past. 

I don't have the DAWS mood or state of mind. It never feel like doing anything if it means standing up.

In fact, I don't especially like moving. I'm a brain with a beanbag body.   :unsure:

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IU, in your last sentence did you mean our armchair detective work, or law enforcements' keystone cop pursuit?

2009: Cancer hospital said I had adjustment disorder because I thought they were doing it wrong. Their headshrinker prescribed Effexor, and my life set on a new course. I didn't know what was ahead, like a passenger on Disneyland's Matterhorn, smiling and waving as it climbs...clink, clink, clink.

2010: Post surgical accidental Effexor discontinuation by nurses, masked by intravenous Dilaudid. (The car is balanced at the top of the track.) I get home, pop a Vicodin, and ...

Whooosh...down, down, down, down, down...goes the trajectory of my life, up goes my mood and tendency to think everything is a good idea.
2012: After the bipolar jig was up, now a walking bag of unrelated symptoms, I went crazy on Daytrana (the Ritalin skin patch by Noven), because ADHD was a perfect fit for a bag of unrelated symptoms. I was prescribed Effexor for the nervousness of it, and things got neurological. An EEG showed enough activity to warrant an epilepsy diagnosis rather than non-epileptic ("psychogenic") seizures.

:o 2013-2014: Quit everything and got worse. I probably went through DAWS: dopamine agonist withdrawal syndrome. I drank to not feel, but I felt a lot: dread, fear, regret, grief: an utter sense of total loss of everything worth breathing about, for almost two years.

I was not suicidal but I wanted to be dead, at least dead to the experience of my own brain and body.

2015: I  began to recover after adding virgin coconut oil and organic grass-fed fed butter to a cup of instant coffee in the morning.

I did it hoping for mental acuity and better memory. After ten days of that, I was much better, mood-wise. Approximately neutral.

And, I experienced drowsiness. I could sleep. Not exactly happy, I did 30 days on Wellbutrin, because it had done me no harm in the past. 

I don't have the DAWS mood or state of mind. It never feel like doing anything if it means standing up.

In fact, I don't especially like moving. I'm a brain with a beanbag body.   :unsure:

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Also, IU -- for all crimes like this marginalized (despised) groups fit it to their worldview and add some filler--and they can all be right at the the same. time.
 

 

How far is CIA-mind-control from FDA-programed-murder/suicide? It's serendipitous and it does the FDA no good, but it's part of their program. A better program would be that no drug know to cause murders shall be approved. (Should I maybe email that in case they haven't thought of it?)

2009: Cancer hospital said I had adjustment disorder because I thought they were doing it wrong. Their headshrinker prescribed Effexor, and my life set on a new course. I didn't know what was ahead, like a passenger on Disneyland's Matterhorn, smiling and waving as it climbs...clink, clink, clink.

2010: Post surgical accidental Effexor discontinuation by nurses, masked by intravenous Dilaudid. (The car is balanced at the top of the track.) I get home, pop a Vicodin, and ...

Whooosh...down, down, down, down, down...goes the trajectory of my life, up goes my mood and tendency to think everything is a good idea.
2012: After the bipolar jig was up, now a walking bag of unrelated symptoms, I went crazy on Daytrana (the Ritalin skin patch by Noven), because ADHD was a perfect fit for a bag of unrelated symptoms. I was prescribed Effexor for the nervousness of it, and things got neurological. An EEG showed enough activity to warrant an epilepsy diagnosis rather than non-epileptic ("psychogenic") seizures.

:o 2013-2014: Quit everything and got worse. I probably went through DAWS: dopamine agonist withdrawal syndrome. I drank to not feel, but I felt a lot: dread, fear, regret, grief: an utter sense of total loss of everything worth breathing about, for almost two years.

I was not suicidal but I wanted to be dead, at least dead to the experience of my own brain and body.

2015: I  began to recover after adding virgin coconut oil and organic grass-fed fed butter to a cup of instant coffee in the morning.

I did it hoping for mental acuity and better memory. After ten days of that, I was much better, mood-wise. Approximately neutral.

And, I experienced drowsiness. I could sleep. Not exactly happy, I did 30 days on Wellbutrin, because it had done me no harm in the past. 

I don't have the DAWS mood or state of mind. It never feel like doing anything if it means standing up.

In fact, I don't especially like moving. I'm a brain with a beanbag body.   :unsure:

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if i understand your question, i am referring to the publication of government/military documents (be they declassified, partially redacted, 'leaked', or alluded to in some meaningful and concrete way by persons in positions of relevant trust and power), and the verified practices of research firms/'think tanks'/statistic-gathering and -reporting organizations.  ('verified' here encompassing the personal statements of involved individuals, independent study/review of their methodology and results, and the more perspicuous facts available to the layman just through simple scrutiny and comparison.)

 

it was not meaning to pertain specifically/solely to the holmes case, though i did mean to imply that government agendas may be in play since before the actual breaking of the incident.  i would be surprised if the meds had no effect on the whole situation.  and the whole thing has been fishy from the start given the media and cop discrepancies that happened during the unfolding of the shooting.

 

i think youre definitely right---things like this are like rorschach blots because we cannot know the fullness of the details (and not just because of some things being unreleased or unobtainable), and human interactions are pretty unquantifiable in scientific terms anyway.  anything incensing is viable as a propaganda platform or personal fixation.  oh, us animals.

from 2005-2012, i spent 7 years taking 17 different psychotropic medications covering several classes.  i would be taking 3-7 medications at a time, and 6 out of the 17 medications listed below were maxed or overmaxed in clinical dosage before i moved on to trying the next unhelpful cocktail.
 
antidepressants (SSRIs, SNRIs, NDRIs, tetracyclics): zoloft, wellbutrin, effexor, lexapro, prozac, cymbalta, remeron
antipsychotics (atypical): abilify, zyprexa, risperdal, geodon
sleep aids (benzos, off-label antidepressants & antipsychotics, hypnotics): seroquel, temazepam, trazodone, ambien
anxiolytics: buspar
anticonvulsants: topamax
 
i tapered off all psychotropics from late 2011 through early 2013, one by one.  since quitting, ive been cycling through severe, disabling withdrawal symptoms spanning the gamut of the serious, less serious, and rather worrisome side effects of these assorted medications.  previous cross-tapering and medication or dosage changes had also caused undiagnosed withdrawal symptoms.
 
brainpan addlepation

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I'm not trying to help or hurt a cause--I see drugs in this one.

 

The link to this topic on Facebook and Twitter might help people who want to hurt the cause, but it's for the the cause.

Vive le cause!

 

Here's his college roommate's story --just found

http://www.redicecreations.com/article.php?id=21150

 

Transcribed diary

http://thecrimediaries.tumblr.com/

 

Handwritten diary with Lieberman notes [sidebar--was Lieberman outright lying? He's way off imho. A thought--he might have been covering for Fenton out of "professional courtesy,"not conspiracy. Her reputation is yet another reason he should not have commented. Bad medical ethics all around.)

https://www.themarshallproject.org/documents/2091448-james-holmes-notebook-annotated-by-dr-jeffrey#document/p14/a221174

 

salient:

--Holmes had gotten into grad school in a hard science AFAIK. Good grades, GREs, and letters from his profs in undergrad years are normally needed.

 

--I don't know if he started the diary before or after zoloft. A woman he'd been involved with (a little bit) got him to go to a shrink. I think she testified. Knowing when and why will help. I bet BTDT already posted it :)

 

--He reported big bad changes upon starting the drugs -- that's a biggie

 

--His face. Ugh. My eyebrows stuck up like that on the too-high Ritalin dose, and it took weeks for them to go down once I got off it. EDIT: the two in lower left look undrugged.

Thanks WC, that is what I needed.  It does seem like the drugs caused him to commit there crimes which is so sad, obviously.

 

Don't even get me started on Lieberman.

 

CS

Drug cocktail 1995 - 2010
Started taper of Adderall, Wellbutrin XL, Remeron, and Doxepin in 2006
Finished taper on June 10, 2010

Temazepam on a PRN basis approximately twice a month - 2014 to 2016

Beginning in 2017 - Consumption increased to about two times per week

April 2017 - Increased to taking it full time for insomnia

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I know, I know, I know (JL). Hazardous to health.

2009: Cancer hospital said I had adjustment disorder because I thought they were doing it wrong. Their headshrinker prescribed Effexor, and my life set on a new course. I didn't know what was ahead, like a passenger on Disneyland's Matterhorn, smiling and waving as it climbs...clink, clink, clink.

2010: Post surgical accidental Effexor discontinuation by nurses, masked by intravenous Dilaudid. (The car is balanced at the top of the track.) I get home, pop a Vicodin, and ...

Whooosh...down, down, down, down, down...goes the trajectory of my life, up goes my mood and tendency to think everything is a good idea.
2012: After the bipolar jig was up, now a walking bag of unrelated symptoms, I went crazy on Daytrana (the Ritalin skin patch by Noven), because ADHD was a perfect fit for a bag of unrelated symptoms. I was prescribed Effexor for the nervousness of it, and things got neurological. An EEG showed enough activity to warrant an epilepsy diagnosis rather than non-epileptic ("psychogenic") seizures.

:o 2013-2014: Quit everything and got worse. I probably went through DAWS: dopamine agonist withdrawal syndrome. I drank to not feel, but I felt a lot: dread, fear, regret, grief: an utter sense of total loss of everything worth breathing about, for almost two years.

I was not suicidal but I wanted to be dead, at least dead to the experience of my own brain and body.

2015: I  began to recover after adding virgin coconut oil and organic grass-fed fed butter to a cup of instant coffee in the morning.

I did it hoping for mental acuity and better memory. After ten days of that, I was much better, mood-wise. Approximately neutral.

And, I experienced drowsiness. I could sleep. Not exactly happy, I did 30 days on Wellbutrin, because it had done me no harm in the past. 

I don't have the DAWS mood or state of mind. It never feel like doing anything if it means standing up.

In fact, I don't especially like moving. I'm a brain with a beanbag body.   :unsure:

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I know what I am going to say may not be popular on this forum but I don't think you can always directly blame psych meds for the crimes of a mass murderer.   In some cases, it is quite clear to me that meds were to blame while in other cases, like with Columbine, those killers were quite evil way before meds entered into the picture.

 

What frustrates me about this case and the one with the German Pilot is there is I haven't been able to find a history of what they were like before drugs entered in the picture.   Were people in their lives shocked that this happened?  I don't recall this happening with Holmes but it seemed folks were regarding the pilot.

 

Anyway, I just don't think it helps our case when we automatically blame psych meds for all crimes.  I am not minimizing their impact by any means as they definitely don't help any situation and make it alot worse even if the person was already heading towards criminal activities.   But at the same time, I just don't think it is wise to automatically assume that psych meds are to blame even if they are in the picture.

 

CS

 

PS - What also complicates the situation is information is not forthcoming in many cases so it is really hard to make a fair determination of the impact of the psych meds on the crimes.

 

Of course the medication is like 95% to blame.  He was obviously not the sort of person to do this before the meds, and then suddenly shifted direction on the medication.  Someone as intelligent as this doesn't just suddenly shift and want to kill a whole bunch of people.  The poor guy, I feel so bad for him because all of this happened as a result of a side effect from highly dangerous medication.  So many lives have been lost because of this medication, let's hope they don't execute the guy and end another one.

 

The whole time the pharmaceutical companies are just sitting there making a fortune, and people are continually prescribed zoloft. 

 

The whole culture of this country has been essentially derailed by psyciatric medication.

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I know what I am going to say may not be popular on this forum but I don't think you can always directly blame psych meds for the crimes of a mass murderer.   In some cases, it is quite clear to me that meds were to blame while in other cases, like with Columbine, those killers were quite evil way before meds entered into the picture.

 

What frustrates me about this case and the one with the German Pilot is there is I haven't been able to find a history of what they were like before drugs entered in the picture.   Were people in their lives shocked that this happened?  I don't recall this happening with Holmes but it seemed folks were regarding the pilot.

 

Anyway, I just don't think it helps our case when we automatically blame psych meds for all crimes.  I am not minimizing their impact by any means as they definitely don't help any situation and make it alot worse even if the person was already heading towards criminal activities.   But at the same time, I just don't think it is wise to automatically assume that psych meds are to blame even if they are in the picture.

 

CS

 

PS - What also complicates the situation is information is not forthcoming in many cases so it is really hard to make a fair determination of the impact of the psych meds on the crimes.

SSRI stories is a site started by a lady named Rosy.. years ago she collected news articles with Ad associations.. this is not proof as much as it was a call to look at the possibilities.  In my own head I added this information to the 2004 hearing transcripts I read (I read every word from every witness)  these hearings  caused black box warnings to be added to the labels of ssri type drugs. If you were to read the witness statements from those hearings and the add the storied Rosy collected it may change your mind. 

Since then so many more horrid things have happened not just this incident. If we are waiting for solid proof that these drugs cause others to murder sometimes to commit mass murder before any further restrictions are added to psych drugs... we will just have more of the same.  I don't have hard and fast data but it seems to me the numbers of increasing. 

WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG
Had a car accident in 85
Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89
Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year
Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above.
One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking.

As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/

There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in :)

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I noticed you read more.. we now agree.. drugs suck

WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG
Had a car accident in 85
Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89
Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year
Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above.
One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking.

As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/

There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in :)

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I'm not trying to help or hurt a cause--I see drugs in this one.

 

The link to this topic on Facebook and Twitter might help people who want to hurt the cause, but it's for the the cause.

Vive le cause!

 

Here's his college roommate's story --just found

http://www.redicecreations.com/article.php?id=21150

 

Transcribed diary

http://thecrimediaries.tumblr.com/

 

Handwritten diary with Lieberman notes [sidebar--was Lieberman outright lying? He's way off imho. A thought--he might have been covering for Fenton out of "professional courtesy,"not conspiracy. Her reputation is yet another reason he should not have commented. Bad medical ethics all around.)

https://www.themarshallproject.org/documents/2091448-james-holmes-notebook-annotated-by-dr-jeffrey#document/p14/a221174

 

salient:

--Holmes had gotten into grad school in a hard science AFAIK. Good grades, GREs, and letters from his profs in undergrad years are normally needed.

 

--I don't know if he started the diary before or after zoloft. A woman he'd been involved with (a little bit) got him to go to a shrink. I think she testified. Knowing when and why will help. I bet BTDT already posted it :)

 

--He reported big bad changes upon starting the drugs -- that's a biggie

 

--His face. Ugh. My eyebrows stuck up like that on the too-high Ritalin dose, and it took weeks for them to go down once I got off it. EDIT: the two in lower left look undr

I  have looked back at pictures of myself I notice big changes from drug to drug. A  parent took one of me with a child and mailed it to me my eyes are so odd... 

The thought crossed my mind when I looked at the picture.. "I would not leave my kid with a person who had eyes like that"  I now know the "look"  I feel I can spot a drugged person from a mile away and try to avoid them. 

 

I have once suggested that we post pictures of ourselves like they do on the meth site...

 https://www.google.ca/search?q=before+and+after+pictures+of+meth+users&espv=2&biw=911&bih=439&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=NIeHVYX4HIT2yQTwuoKoBg&ved=0CB8QsAQ

 

I have this idea that each drug would show similar changes in appears just like meth.. tho I would not expect it to be as obvious as the meth site. 

WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG
Had a car accident in 85
Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89
Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year
Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above.
One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking.

As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/

There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in :)

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  • 4 weeks later...

Holmes was convicted. There's no way to know what role Sertraline played. His diary said it gave him a bad mania and he lost all fear. He had been talking about killing people and his semi girlfriend told him to see a shrink. Shrink knew he was obsessed with killing. She put him on Zoloft. Parents should sue.

2009: Cancer hospital said I had adjustment disorder because I thought they were doing it wrong. Their headshrinker prescribed Effexor, and my life set on a new course. I didn't know what was ahead, like a passenger on Disneyland's Matterhorn, smiling and waving as it climbs...clink, clink, clink.

2010: Post surgical accidental Effexor discontinuation by nurses, masked by intravenous Dilaudid. (The car is balanced at the top of the track.) I get home, pop a Vicodin, and ...

Whooosh...down, down, down, down, down...goes the trajectory of my life, up goes my mood and tendency to think everything is a good idea.
2012: After the bipolar jig was up, now a walking bag of unrelated symptoms, I went crazy on Daytrana (the Ritalin skin patch by Noven), because ADHD was a perfect fit for a bag of unrelated symptoms. I was prescribed Effexor for the nervousness of it, and things got neurological. An EEG showed enough activity to warrant an epilepsy diagnosis rather than non-epileptic ("psychogenic") seizures.

:o 2013-2014: Quit everything and got worse. I probably went through DAWS: dopamine agonist withdrawal syndrome. I drank to not feel, but I felt a lot: dread, fear, regret, grief: an utter sense of total loss of everything worth breathing about, for almost two years.

I was not suicidal but I wanted to be dead, at least dead to the experience of my own brain and body.

2015: I  began to recover after adding virgin coconut oil and organic grass-fed fed butter to a cup of instant coffee in the morning.

I did it hoping for mental acuity and better memory. After ten days of that, I was much better, mood-wise. Approximately neutral.

And, I experienced drowsiness. I could sleep. Not exactly happy, I did 30 days on Wellbutrin, because it had done me no harm in the past. 

I don't have the DAWS mood or state of mind. It never feel like doing anything if it means standing up.

In fact, I don't especially like moving. I'm a brain with a beanbag body.   :unsure:

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Cooper Tweeted this:

 

 

Anderson Cooper 360° ‏@AC360 23h23 hours ago

Criminologist: Most mass murders get their guns legally and don't have a history of psychiatric treatment. @CNN

 

 

I don't recognize the expert...anyone know the basis for this?

post-3474-0-52707500-1437869628.jpg

2009: Cancer hospital said I had adjustment disorder because I thought they were doing it wrong. Their headshrinker prescribed Effexor, and my life set on a new course. I didn't know what was ahead, like a passenger on Disneyland's Matterhorn, smiling and waving as it climbs...clink, clink, clink.

2010: Post surgical accidental Effexor discontinuation by nurses, masked by intravenous Dilaudid. (The car is balanced at the top of the track.) I get home, pop a Vicodin, and ...

Whooosh...down, down, down, down, down...goes the trajectory of my life, up goes my mood and tendency to think everything is a good idea.
2012: After the bipolar jig was up, now a walking bag of unrelated symptoms, I went crazy on Daytrana (the Ritalin skin patch by Noven), because ADHD was a perfect fit for a bag of unrelated symptoms. I was prescribed Effexor for the nervousness of it, and things got neurological. An EEG showed enough activity to warrant an epilepsy diagnosis rather than non-epileptic ("psychogenic") seizures.

:o 2013-2014: Quit everything and got worse. I probably went through DAWS: dopamine agonist withdrawal syndrome. I drank to not feel, but I felt a lot: dread, fear, regret, grief: an utter sense of total loss of everything worth breathing about, for almost two years.

I was not suicidal but I wanted to be dead, at least dead to the experience of my own brain and body.

2015: I  began to recover after adding virgin coconut oil and organic grass-fed fed butter to a cup of instant coffee in the morning.

I did it hoping for mental acuity and better memory. After ten days of that, I was much better, mood-wise. Approximately neutral.

And, I experienced drowsiness. I could sleep. Not exactly happy, I did 30 days on Wellbutrin, because it had done me no harm in the past. 

I don't have the DAWS mood or state of mind. It never feel like doing anything if it means standing up.

In fact, I don't especially like moving. I'm a brain with a beanbag body.   :unsure:

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