Knaster: Fight fight fight!

[Knaster]

Hi all.

 

I have been reading many post on this excellent forum for a while now. Time to say hello and start my own journal thread.

 

 

A bit about me

 

Don’t know if my story is very unique... I am broken. I have been on meds for a long time. I have tried to quit several times, failed and failed again. Struggle with low self esteem and dysthymia for as far as I can remember, but somehow still manage to keep my life together (at least it looks like that from the outside). There is a lot of negativity and dysfunction in me, and I have a have been in different kinds of therapy on and off. No real problems with anxiety before starting to taper the meds.

 

During my more brighter moments I’m also very very happy for having a decent career at work, an loving girlfriend, a few really good friends, my cats, basic health and many other things that are important in life.

 

 

The medication

 

I was put on Venlafaxine in 2000 at age 33 after a separation that triggered both my first panic attacks and clinical depression. I needed the medication then, for perhaps 1 year it saved my life. Continued taking it out of habit and lack of good support from any doctor that knew something. During the 14 years on meds my life was actually quite ok. Most things worked fine, I was balanced and sane. No anxiety, no depression, stable mood and a quite active life. So why change a winning team? I wanted to try to stop taking meds when I realized that I had not cried at all for ten years, not even when one of my beloved cats died, that my life simply was not containing any real highs and no real lows. I somehow missed out on important emotional parts by taking SSRI/SNRI. The more I read on the subject, the more convinced I got that I really have to quit. Still, depression runs deep in my family, and I might end up having to take a low dose for the rest of my life. The plan is of course to not take any meds at all and deal with my problems in therapy instead. I have much more faith in talk therapy than in long term medication.

 

Others probably see me as a rather calm person, but I’m also very restless, uncertain and often not patient enough for the slow pace that discontinuing psych meds demand. Sometimes do to to big drops or other drastic changes in meds or life. I know it's not good for me, but I can't help myself.

 

SSRI is clearly the devil and benzodiazepine is his/hers evil partner in crime! The antidepressants keep my demons in their cages and benzo soothes my restless soul like nothing else. I have very mixed emotions to the medication. I don’t like to be dependent on them but the last 14 years I have always felt better on meds than off. Perhaps that has to do with the lack of patience.

 

 

My current tapering project

 

I started my current tapering from 150 mg Venlafaxine (Effexor) in April 2014. Have tried to follow all the tips on keeping it slow, stable and safe. There has been a lot of stress with traveling, new job, major illness in the family, big changes in my important volunteer engagement and a new love relationship during this year. So far I have managed to handle all these changes and the withdrawal effects without falling apart. There is still too much stress but compared to before tapering I’m trying to keep my ambitions fairly low and try to limit all activities and persons that generates stress. If withdrawal becomes worse I guess I will have to lower my ambitions even more. As you all know, lots of time and energy goes into dealing with waves, new emotions, mood swings and increased anxiety.

 

In March 2015 I was down to 30 mg Venlafaxine per day, with some very clear withdrawal issues. This might be a too fast taper, but that was the way I did it. The withdrawal got a bit worse, and I slowly started started self medicating Diazepam (Valium) on a daily basis. However, I wasn’t feeling bad enough to reinstate or increase the Venlafaxine dosage.

 

Two months later, in May 2015, I felt stable enough to start bridging to liquid Fluoxetine (Prozac) during 1 month. Hope that the long half life of the Fluoxetine will make the final steps down to zero manageable. I had to increase the dose a bit and now, in June 2015, I’m on 12 mg Fluoxetine (3.0 ml) which equals about 40 mg Venlafaxine. Not sure that this was the right move, but all previous attempts to go lower than 40 mg Venlafaxine has failed miserably and resulted in reinstating. The main drawback with Fluoxetine compared to Venlafaxine, is that it makes me very tired. The fatigue is constant and the energy levels way below normal. I feel like sleeping all the time.

 

To deal with the lows I occasionally self medicate with the pain medication Tramadol, that clearly boost the serotonin levels. Try to not take it more than once a week, since it's easy to get dependent. I occasionally take other substances too, but never with such a frequency that they become problems. I know my limits in that area. I drink alcohol but not more than once a week and never more than a few glasses.

 

To handle the anxiety i self medicate with Diazepam (Valium) or Alprazolam (Xanax). The last 2-3 months I have been taking between 2 and 5 mg Diazepam every other day. This is way to too frequent, and I’m clearly become dependent on the benzo now. This has happened before and I am slowly tapering the Diazepam. Currently taking about 1 mg per day.

 

My main non-chemical weapon against the anxiety is the meditative relaxing audios from excelatlife.com and the headspace.com meditations, that I do on a daily basis. Recently I have started doing the “mixing the cake batter” anti-anxiety exercise that seem so help.

 

I am not into supplements. Have tried both Vitamin E, Omega 3 and Magnesium at different occasions, but not found that it makes any kind of difference at all.

 

At the moment I’m suffering quite a bit from both anxiety (mostly in the morning), mood swings, general nervousness, fatigue, memory loss and lack of motivation. Not sure what is related to the meds and what is new emotions emerging from the low dosage of SSRI. Sleep is one of the things that works fine though. I’m not giving up this time. I will follow through even if it takes several more years.

 

 

Not sure how often I will update this journal or if I will get involved in the discussion on this site. Based on all my failed attempts to taper I do however believe it is very important to both give and receive support from others in the same situation. A big thank you to all the people who contribute to this site! You save lives.

[Altostrata]

Welcome, Knaster.

 

Your benzo use may be contributing to your problems. You can get a paradoxical reaction from benzos, or a rebound reaction when they wear off, that includes anxiety. Then, of course, you want to take a benzo again. This is how people get addicted.

 

Go here to discuss your benzo use and how to smooth it out http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/forum/29-members-only-benzo-tapering-discussion/
 

Please put ALL the drugs you take in the Drug Interactions Checker http://www.drugs.com/drug_interactions.html and copy and paste the results in this topic.
 

Does fluoxetine reduce the withdrawal symptoms you had from Effexor?

 

What are the times of day you take your drugs, and their dosages? Please keep notes on paper of your daily symptom pattern relative to when you take your drugs.

[Iamfine]

Don't worry so much about the Benzo, not everybody has trouble getting off them. I took them for years and when it became obvious they were affecting me negatively I just quit and actually felt better. I don't recommend doing this though, you may be one who has to slow taper. I just got lucky I guess.

[Knaster]

Hi and thanks for your replies.

My current situation is a bit messy since I both started taking benzos, switched from Venlafaxine to Fluoxetine, and now try to quit the benzo, all within about 3 months. I realize that it wasn’t the most strategic decisions... I have however been able to quit regular benzo intake before, and I am pretty sure I will be off them within a couple of weeks this time around as well. I just need some more stamina.

I currently take 1.5 ml liquid Fluoxetine (Brand name Fontex) in the morning and 1.5 ml in the evening. I have not been taking any Diazepam for the last 3 days, but when I take them, I do it in the morning.

The most clear trend the last couple of months is morning anxiety and fatigue. (It takes me several hours every morning to get myself up and running. Eternally grateful that my employer has very flexible office/work hours : -). I think the fatigue is due to the Fluoxetine, because I did not have it at all when on Venlafaxine. The morning anxiety started while I was still on Venlafaxine, but the lowering of the benzo now probably plays a part in that as well. Memory loss, general nervousness/anxiety and mood swings were all present withdrawal problems while still on the Venlafaxine.

I don’t know if the Fluoxetine helps against the Venlafaxine withdrawal yet, but after stopping the benzo I will most likely feel the change (if any) and post it here.

Regarding the mix of meds that Altostrata asks about: Tramadol and Fluoxetine can lead to serotonin syndrome (if you take too much and/or regularly, which I don’t). Other than that my mix only leads to general symptoms such as “dizziness, drowsiness, and difficulty concentrating”.

I am logging my mood daily with the app MondiModo and tracking my meds with MedHelper (both free Android apps from the Play Store). The ideal would be to use an app that tracks both meds and mood so that it will be easier to compare cause and effect. I’m all digital, so using pen and paper is not an option. Have been using Google Docs spreadsheet to track meds before and that works ok, but you don’t get any reminders. Last time I tried to taper the meds I used Google Calendar for logging and reminders. I’m happy for any new tips on apps that others find useful for all the things you need to track while tapering. I’m looking into Quantimo (http://quantimo.do) that is some kind of platform that integrates data from lots of different sources. MedHelper seems to be on their todo-list but not yet there. You can also set up your own tracking and correlation of basically anything but that takes some time.

[Petunia]

Welcome Knaster,

You are trying to come off 2 medications, and already experiencing significant withdrawal symptoms. My advice would be to stop tapering everything for now and let your nervous system settle down. Because you have been taking Diazepam regularly, for several months now, I would expect you have become dependent on it, so its important you take it regularly to keep a stable blood level.

 

Take some time to learn about withdrawal and how to safely come off these drugs and then when you are feeling better, you could start tapering properly to avoid possible long term withdrawal and more suffering.

 

Here are some links I recommend:

 

Taking multiple psych drugs? Which drug to taper first?

 

What is withdrawal syndrome?

 

Members-only benzo forum

[Altostrata]

I currently take 1.5 ml liquid Fluoxetine (Brand name Fontex) in the morning and 1.5 ml in the evening.

 

 

How much are these doses in milligrams? Since liquid concentrations differ, it's always more helpful to communicate the dosage in milligrams.

 

Do you feel fatigued after the morning dose or before?

[Knaster]

Sorry about being unclear with the dosage. The Fluoxetine I got has 4 mg per ml. The 3 ml I take, equals 12 mg.

 

Thanks for the tips Petunia. I have read most of those threads. I will take a very low dose of Diazepam but really need to get off quite soon. Will have to deal with the WD symptoms in some way. Relaxing audios and meditation do help a bit.

 

The fatigue is more or less constant during the day, since i switched to Prozac from Effexor.

[Knaster]

Also i must admit that I feel embarrassed and ashamed for being so weak that I became addicted to the fckn benz, again... : / I take it to deal with Effexor WD, and I can not become hooked on another drug while getting of the main one. At the moment I am more motivated to get off benzo before I get even more dependant. I need to get of as fast as I got on. Reduction of the Prozac dose will have to wait.

 

Yesterday evening I had a really great window for more than five hours. Felt normal. No anxiety or fatigue. Yay! : )

[Skyler]

Also i must admit that I feel embarrassed and ashamed for being so weak that I became addicted to the fckn benz, again... : / I take it to deal with Effexor WD, and I can not become hooked on another drug while getting of the main one. At the moment I am more motivated to get off benzo before I get even more dependant. I need to get of as fast as I got on. Reduction of the Prozac dose will have to wait.

 

Knaster, you should be completely off in a week or so... I only wish half the folks who take benzos to get a little relief from ADs or other withdrawal causing drugs were as concerned as you are.  Well done. very well done.  Now tell that shame invoking inner voice of yours to stuff it... you did good!

[Altostrata]

Where's the "like" button?

 

Knaster, as you reduce the Prozac, the fatigue will be less. After your system settles down from the benzo, you can start to do this.

[btdt]

 April 2014: New attempt to do a slow and proper tapering from 150 mg.

* March 2015: Down to 30 mg Venlafaxine. Withdrawal is present but mostly manageable. Getting myself addicted to benzos again.

 

Just one thing to say I once did a projection of how long it would take to come off of 150mg of effexor my old dose the timeline was well over a year and that is without holding extra wait times to allow wd symptoms to ease before the next dose reduction.  Your dose reduction seems fast to me golden rule in my book is listening to your body if it says you have gone too fast then you have gone too fast.  I know this is all past tense I hope the prozac bridge works for you I am not a fan for personal reasons. I reacted very badly to prozac as my first ever Ad but some people have worked the bridge ok. I have a sneaky suspicion its effects just hit later and last longer but again I am jaded about that drug and not rational at all. 

 

"The ideal would be to use an app that tracks both meds and mood so that it will be easier to compare cause and effect. "

I could not help but be intregued   by this idea I imagine such an app would bring some unnoticed bits of wisdom to light tho I can;t imagine what they would be that is the juicy bit about it.. not knowing. 

[Knaster]

Thanks for the encouragement Skyler! I had a setback on the benzo yesterday and had to take 2mg to make it through the morning anxiety and a full day at work. But as they say, get back in the saddle, keep on walking.. : )

btdt, I know that I went a bit to fast with the Effexor tapering. : ( I have read tons of articles, posts and books on tapering, and still can't find that precious patience when I need it the most... All my previous attempts to go below 30mg Effexor have failed, that's why I switched to Fluoxetine/Prozac now. I'm not going to make any hasty conclusions but, except from some added fatigue, I feel decent on Prozac after about one month on it. Will try really hard not to reduce the dose to fast in the future, and will make sure I am properly stable when I do it. Time...

Tracking mood and medication should not be rocket science from a technical point of view really. I am using MoodiModo Mood Tracker https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.moodimodoand Med Helper Pro Pill Reminder https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.earthflare.android.medhelper.pro and they are ok for what they do. Started researching more android apps that is better suited for tapering, medication and mood tracking. So far KeepTrack (free and pro versions available) https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.zagalaga.keeptrack looks quite promising. It needs you to set up all things you want to track manually, which gives you lot of freedom but also takes some time and thought. Might start a new thread on technical tools for tapering, or add my findings to an already existing thread if there is one.

[Knaster]

A week full of wave-days. Worry, permanent low grade grinding anxiety, bad stomach and inability to focus. Weak, very tired and full of sorrow.

Had to get back to a daily dose of about 1 mg Diazepam to be able to exist at all. (Not 0.1 mg as I think I wrote in a previous post). Don't want to, but think I need to stay on this dose until properly stable. No changes in the Fluoxetine (Still 12 mg/3 ml liquid per day). Stability first. When will I know that I am stable? Time and patience...

 

Stays home from work, sleeping full nights and still tired like a dog, even small things become huge obstacles in my mind, nervous about vacation today and two weeks onwards. Doubting my ability to make it without putting more stress on both myself and my close relations.

Can’t help thinking that I’m one year in now, and it seems like the journey has just begun. Is it really worth all the pain, will I even make it to the end, and what’s in store when I get there? Started reading “Your drug may be your problem” by Breggin & Cohen. What if I had read that 15 years ago when it came out (about the same time I started medicating)?

Perhaps I shouldn't complain. I still have an office to go to (and pretend to do work), friends to meet and vacation traveling to do. But as you know, Mr Anxiety (Neuro or Regular) is very relative, personal, unique and doesn’t really care about if someones life might look ok from the outside. Today I would gladly trade my full time work for a life free of WD and neuro feelings. Had lunch with my girlfriend at the local Hare Krishna restaurant the other day, but even there, inner peace was nowhere near me...

Went to see my regular, non specialist doctor yesterday (they are called general practitioner or GP in English right?). Felt like beating the crap out of him for working in one of the best health care systems in the world, and still not be able to provide more active support and human care. Just more meds. But it's not his fault the system is defective and declining, he is just doing his job. I got my Fluoxetine prescription but was to ashamed to tell him about the Diazepam dependency.

Depeche Mode “Barrel of a Gun” on repeat.

[Knaster]

Also, its interesting to note how one 35 mg pill of Tramadol almost magically lifts my mood and removes all anxiety. Its not magic of course. Tramadol is an opioid mainly used for pain reduction, but it also increases serotonin levels. Its habit forming so you need to be careful, but I still think its good to have it in the SSRI withdrawal emergency kit for those days when you absolutely need to function and can not deal with WD.

[pug]

Hi Knaster,

 

I have read your thread here and I am wondering how you are doing?

[Knaster]

Thanks for checking in on me pug. Have been on vacation for two weeks. Very stressed out and tired. Started writing a status update several times but never finished.

I am still on 12 mg (3 ml liquid) Fluoxetine daily. Tapered off the Diazepam. Took 1 mg daily during one month and then full stop about one week ago. Will not do any more changes for at least 3 weeks.

Current status is both good and bad. Some really good times, but no proper windows since last post. The lack of benzo gives some anxiety the last couple of days, but I think I can handle it. (I must handle it! : ) Still tired and lacking energy. This started when I switched to Fluoxetine. Hard to tell if this is better than the withdrawal of Venlafaxine. Fatigue or anxiety... I guess fatigue is a bit better still. Mornings are awful, it takes ages to get out of bed.

Have a hard time limiting my expectations on myself and life in general. Things that I think I can handle, ends up generates a lot of stress. I lack real motivation to engage in just about anything (work, friends, social stuff, hobbies, etc). Try hard to go against the feeling that tells me to just stay in bed, because it out there in the real world that I can get better. However, both the recent vacation and my close relationship are very stressful, when they really should be the opposite. Mood swings are exhausting, not just for myself. I’m also more sensitive to critique now. Think this is a part of my old non-medicated, dysfunctional and immature self that is returning. If I had not made up my mind, I would like to return to the medicated self. The one that I know is working.

[Knaster]

11 days since last Diazepam. Guess my current anxiety is mostly related to that? (Took 5-2 mg daily during about 3 months, tapered to 1 mg during 3 weeks).

Fighting to not spend all my waking moments ruminating and whining over how I feel and reduce myself to a bloody illness. I don't have an illness and I do not want to become an illness, I want to be the real me! Fighting to not feel sorry for myself all the time, because it is not true. Fighting to keep a proper love relationship working. Fighting to have a life with friends, work and volunteer commitments. Fighting to keep the negativity demons at a distance. Fighting to not give in to the anxiety. Fighting to not curl up like a foetus in my safe cave, petting cats, eating junk and taking all kinds of drugs I can get my hands on.

“... Just fill up the sky
Fight fight fight
Fight til you drop
Fight fight fight
And never never
Never stop.”

[Petunia]

11 days since last Diazepam. Guess my current anxiety is mostly related to that? (Took 5-2 mg daily during about 3 months, tapered to 1 mg during 3 weeks).

 

 

Knaster, I'm concerned about how you have stopped taking Diazepam. Taking it daily for 3 months would almost guarantee that you have a physical dependency, and now you tapered and stopped over the course of 3 weeks, its no wonder you are feeling so unwell. As you mentioned, you are probably experiencing benzo withdrawal.

 

It may take a while before this settles down, until then, I suggest you don't make any more changes to your Fluoxetine. Three weeks might not be long enough for you to stabilize after stopping Diazepam. Please wait until your symptoms have settle down again before continuing to taper. Listen to your nervous system rather than the calendar.

[Knaster]

Thanks for your reply Petunia! I read a lot on this site but find it a bit hard to get into the discussions/community sometimes.

Yes, I know I did this taper to fast. Just so ashamed about getting addicted (first addicted, then dependent) on the benzo again, that I wanted to get off fast no matter the cost. You can't get dependent on one drug while getting of another. I will definitely not reduce the Fluoxetine until I’m feeling much better, even if it will take several months!

My main WD issues this week is fatigue, bad short term memory, very low stress threshold, bad stomach, lack of energy and almost no interest in working with things i really loved one year ago. Sleep is still good and as long as I keep myself occupied I don’t have that much anxiety. Ruminating at home builds anxiety though. All this focus on mood and energy also places my head firmly attached up my ass, which my girlfriend thinks is awfully charming (note: sarcasm). This adds to the stress as well. Hate to be a low budget version of the person I know I can be.

[pug]

Knaster,

Hang in there. I have the complete absorption of dealing with my symptoms also, and it gets overwhelming not to be able to get outside of it. I also deal with the late night and morning anxiety which I think is caused by elevated cortisol, so it is a body issue more than anything else. I try to interpret it as my body being confused instead of me being anxious, and that sometimes helps. We will recover our authentic selves in this process, we just have to be gentle and forgiving of ourselves and compassionate with our ourselves, and give this time which is the great healer. I am wishing you healing and that your symptoms improve as soon as possible.

[Knaster]

You hang in there also pug!

 

A feeling is a feeling and a mood is a mood, it's hard to tell neuro from ordinary in Wd time

 

Yesterday I couldn't take it anymore and took 3 mg valium and 80 mg tramadol. Same today. It brings me back to some kind of normality. The stress on life is too big for WD right now. Will try reducing again next week when stress and external demands hopefully is lower.This his week is a very special one, I am working with an event that is very demanding and the love life is horrible at the same time. I am a weak person in so many ways.

 

What do you think about setbacks like this? Is it common? Can you just start again? Where do you find the strength to not return to meds when life hits you hard?

[Altostrata]

Great post, pug.
 
Knaster, those are good questions for the Finding meaning forum.

[Petunia]

Yesterday I couldn't take it anymore and took 3 mg valium and 80 mg tramadol. Same today. It brings me back to some kind of normality. The stress on life is too big for WD right now. Will try reducing again next week when stress and external demands hopefully is lower.

 

This stopping and starting and jumping around is continuing to put more stress on your nervous system. Perhaps its time to accept that you are now dependent on valium and need to take it regularly until you begin a proper taper from it. Maybe it would be better to taper off the Fluoxetine first. If you are going to use another drug to minimize the withdrawal symptoms from a previous drug, which we don't recommend, then you need to do it in a regular way, so as not to cause further disruption.

 

Occasional benzo use in a healthy, stable nervous system is generally quite safe. But once you have experienced withdrawal and the NS becomes sensitized, using a benzo can cause further disruption, adding to the destabilization. You may feel better temporarily, but in the long run, you are making your situation worse.

 

In a withdrawal situation benzos need to be used regularly or not at all. This is my opinion based on my own experience and how I've seen them effect others.

 

Knaster, I suggest you read through: The rule of 3KIS: Keep it simple. Keep it slow. Keep it stable.  and start a topic for yourself in the benzo forum to get some expert support for your valium situation.

[Knaster]

Thank you for replying. I will get myself together and deal with this in a not so destructive way.

[Knaster]

Starting to seriously doubt if I can live some kind of normal life with work, relationship and meaningful activities while dealing with all this withdrawal, medications, pain and confusion.

Dream about going back on Venlafaxine (at least I was functional on that) or just let go completely, drop everything and go live with my old parents in the country for five years, until i am off all meds. The later is of course not a real option, just a dream of escaping everything that hurts. Getting back on Effexor again would also be a major disappointment.

Taking a third escapist drug to deal with pain of coming off the other drug that i use to reduce the pain of coming off the first drug. This is getting bloody ridiculous...

Really sorry about all the complaining! You don't need to answer, I just need to vent a bit this morning. Sun is shining, it is a very nice day outside, almost lunch time, i need to get to work, but can't even get out of bed. Where is the self respect, the stamina, the life? Cant blame it all on the meds. I am not taking proper responsibility, not being an adult. I just make things so complicated ... ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66GHz-H4k6M

[AliG]

 Cut yourself some "slack", K. Don't beat yourself up.  A lot of it is the drugs.  You might have to let some things go through this "process".  It is hard to tell "what is what".    in "withdrawal".     Just be patient, if you can.

[raul]

Hello knaster, i have read your story and i know that you are not in a good moment (i understand you as i am in the  same way) but at least you can sleep well and this is a very good thing i think, because at least you can do activities during the days. Maybe i think, the problem we have all is that is very but VERY difficult to be patient, because we want to recover as fast as it is possible, but that not happens in this way. As you, the time after tapering ,   i want to be far away  where i live now, in the country if possible, surrounded by trees and in a small house very far from civilization. But as you sometimes i get confused and thinks that i want to continue taking the antidepressant and not thinking more about tapering slow, withdrawls symptoms, etc. because we do not want to suffer anymore.

Best wishes.

[Knaster]

Thank you all for the comments and encouragements! It feels good to know that I’m not alone in this struggle.

The mood swings are really hard to deal with! The lack of focus and energy makes me a very egocentric person. My love relation crashed yesterday and it is mostly my fault.

 

I will follow Petunias advice and decide on to take benzo regularly or not at all. It is difficult. I really need the benzo when the **** hits the fan, but I have no prescription and I do not want to become even more dependent. Will try to stop but it will take a while.

Booked new talk therapy sessions that starts within a few weeks. Need the support so badly now! My therapist is really good and I have lots of hope in him.

 

Peace!

[pug]

Knaster,

The talk therapy should help, I know it does help me. I hope you are doing better and are continuing to heal.

[Knaster]

There must be something seriously wrong with me! Why does everything I touch turn into s**t and why do I always end up hurting people? Do I have any empathy at all!? How did I become this self-centered, egoistic, scared, weak and evil coward? I thought I was a bit shy, mellow and a rather kind man. Therapy starts on Monday and boy do I need it! Until then I will go away and hide under a rock with my love Miss Diazepam. Don't think my behavior is strictly AD-related, other than the fact that me on a low dose of AD apparently is a different person than me on a proper dose of AD. So much self-hate and shame : (

[pug]

Knaster,

 

You are not the drug and you are not the withdrawal; they are masking the true you who I sense is a wonderful human being. Don't believe the lies the drug and withdrawal are telling you; You are good!

[LoveandLight]

What pug said! I just couldn't get the words out

[Knaster]

Thank you very much for the support and kind words, pug and LoveandLight! It feels better to know that we aren’t alone in this struggle.

My girl and I broke up, that’s why I am so devastated, sad, alone and destructive now. I’m not sure that I can blame the withdrawal or other drug-related problems for this though. It is easy to just say, “it's not me, it’s withdrawal me, I am not myself right now”. This does not take away common sense and responsibility for people that you care about, right?

What I do know is that I have never, both before and during the meds, been able to handle close relations in a way that you could expect from a man in my age. Too sensitive, needy and afraid of conflicts. I will of course continue to deal with this in talk therapy, and it will have to take as long as it takes. Meds or no meds, I just can’t go on living like this. Life is passing by...

After more than two weeks off, I’m now back on both Benzo and Tramadol daily, to be able to function. No change in the Fluoxetine, quite stable on the 12mg level now.

[raul]

I am also feel very anxious with my realtionship with my partner, because i always think that he not deserve a man that is in strong withdrawl symptoms. Today is a very bad day because i feel depressed, and i have to visit him today and i do not know what to do, because i want to cry all day. Everything is diffícult: work, relationships......sometimes i think to take this drug forever and i feel very but very annoyed with myself about getting off of it, because when i was taking it everything was good, even if it was under the med. But i miss those days really, i used to laugh, do a lot of things, excercise, travel....now even go in bycicle is a lot of effort for myself.

So i undersand you, i think the better for us is to live in a town far away of "normal people" and support each other. Sorry, i do not know what i write, i am confused and depressed.

Best wishes for you knaster.

[Knaster]

Raul, I also often think that a more functional but limited life on meds (Venlafaxine i my case) would be preferred to this chaos, fatigue, egocentric, angst ridden joke of an existence that I have now. However, I will not stop now! I will hold on for at least one more year! Can't bear the thought of all pain being in vain. I also think there must be another better me at the end of the tunnel.

 

So, hang in there! Reduce your expectations and ambitions. Take care of yourself and fight! There might be a window coming up sooner than we think. : )

 

I rode my bike to work several days this week and it was awesome!

 

Peace.

[Orangecat]

Reading your thread and finding it inspiring, despite the things you see as setbacks or errors (the break up). It must be so difficult to have that happen in the middle of your withdrawal journey. I'm glad to see you're feeling better at the moment though. You do seem to be courageous an open in how you are approaching this withdrawal and your relationships to people, yourself, and the drugs. That counts for a lot!

I had a down day today, from the withdrawal, magnifying the problems I see in myself and around me through that lens. I wanted to tell you that you shouldn't give up hope for a satisfying relationship. Every relationship presents more wisdom to you, and you are lovable as you are, and you will get better at it all. I am lucky to have found the nourishing relationship despite a challenging family of origin and all kinds of bad mental habits. But then... There's always something that seems deficient in my life regardless! So maybe learning how to rest easy with the ins and outs of life at any given time is a large part of it. It's so hard to do. But I dream about getting there. Openness, which you have, is key... Good luck with everything.