Multidrug: a walk ... through poly drugged hell

[SquirrellyGirl]

(Dear squirelly girl.....I never forgot you!!!! I just don't have the strength to keep up any contacts. I am so sorry for that and hope you are not just ok but doing fine! I send you a hug)

 

Hi Multi, I'm still out here, hanging in there.  So good to see an update from you, though I am sorry it is not with better news.  I'm glad that you have accepted the relationship ending, since that was a big stress.

 

For how long you have held, I agree that it may be time to try tapering again, and the conservative plan you have sounds reasonable.  Your "withdrawal normal" isn't great, but it's been consistent!

 

Keep us posted on how it goes!

SG

[Multidrug]

It´s been quite a while since my last post so I want to give an update. Unfortunatelly, there are no really any good news. I think that is because I had too much stress in my life the last 2 years.

 

The biggest change is that I am living alone again for the first time in 5 years. Sounds like good news but it really is not. The reason why I sent my mother away was that I was afraid I could do something to her. I had really bad violent thoughts about her and was obsessing about them so much. I had my problems with my mother and knew that one day, if I really want to be FREE and able to find myself, I would have to get away from her but not like this. 

 

So now I am not only living alone but also am completly alone. There is nobody left. My mother was my biggest and actually only support (she still is and would come back immediately but when I think about that I immediately get very aggressive and the crazy thoughts start again so I can`t do that). 

 

I feel completely stuck in that whole situation. I am still on Lamictal 73 mg and am terrified to taper since my crash more than 2 years ago was so very traumatizing for me. On the other hand I am afraid that the Lamictal is the cause for my agony. I feel so crazy....like psychotic and I am very very afraid that this won´t stop as long as I am on the drug. I am scared because I am alone, went from really being out in nature many hours a day to laying in the sofa and thinking about my situation non stop, without finding a way out. 

 

I miss my mom so much and at the same time have these thoughts. I don´t understand that and I don´t know if I hate her or love her anymore. This situation is overwhelming for me and my brain doesn´t seem to be able to process or make any sense of this.

 

I was somewhat better for some months last year, but then some big changes in my life happened and that was when the agony came back. 

 

I work with an osteopath and that mainly it. I am completely unable again to do any kind of meditation (which really helps me when I am better) because I feel way too crazy. 

 

One "good" think is that the knocking in my head is not permanent anymore. But therefore, the aggression and rage is. 

 

I ordered some CBD oil and will try if that helps calming my mind a bit. I also want to ask my doctor to prescripe the original Lamictal instead of the Lamotrigine that I am on since many people say they felt much better on the original. 

 

I always want to go and live somewhere in the nature with some spiritual awakened people. But my mind is racing way too fast to make this a real plan. 

 

I really hoped I would be better by now. Not yet

 

Hope you are all ok!!!!

[Multidrug]

Hello all,

 

it´s been a long time. I am still not better. In fact, I am getting worse by the day. I desperatelly need help or I am ready to lose this battle. 

As you can see in my signature, I am off benzos for almost 4 years and a lot of other psych drugs for even longer. I am still on Lamictal, though.

 

The Lamictal is killing me but for some reason, I am just not able to come off, not for my life. I started on 100mg in 2014 and four months after my rapid benzo taper I started getting better so decided to taper the L. I did that by tapering 5mg/month. When I reached 80mg I had a HUGE crash and was sure I wouldn´t survive. I did, though, and started stabilizing after around a year. This is over 3 years ago and during these 3 years I have only been able to go down from 80mg to 71.5mg now. 

 

My symptoms are: body shakes, mostly in head, upper body and arms, cramps all over my body, nausea, agitation, racing thoughts, cramps in my brain and head, non epileptic seizures (started around a year ago and I never had seizures before that), and a feeling of heavily intoxication, I cannot make sense of anything anymore, my thoughts are crazy and all over the place. Not even during acute have I felt as horrible as now and I am not getting windows at all. I am like that 24/7.

 

I so desperately need to come off the Lamictal. I feel that this is the reason for many of my symptoms. But even a 0.25mg reduction gives me bad symptoms and after doing a 1mg reduction I felt like I just cold turkeyed the benzo. I also feel that the feeling of my brain being completely fried gets better though when I make a reduction. I get horrible headaches but during these times I am able to think more normal. As soon as I adapt to the new dose I go back to the fried brain and into agony though.

 

Someone PLEASE tell me what to do. I won´t survive if I won´t come of the Lamictal. And I won´t survive if I taper 0.25mg every 4 weeks, either, cause the situation is just too bad and I can´t go on like this for several more years I am just so done. I don´t take any supplements but had some marijuana yesterday just to numb myself. It worked somehow but don´t know if smoking every day would be enough to get me off this poison.

 

I am thinking about going to my doctor and tell him to change my medication and to put me on whatever (Gabapentin??) but to take me off of this Lamictal.

 

I am beyond despaired and reached the point of what seems like no return. I need someone to help me figure out what to do. 

 

Please someone, help me.

[ChessieCat]

Welcome back,

 

Please update your drug signature so the mods can see your drug history at a glance.  Thank you.  Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature

 

I've asked the other mods to assess your situation.

[Altostrata]

Hello, Multdrug.

 

What time of day do you take Lamictal? Are you taking any other drugs? Do your symptoms follow any daily pattern?  Please keep daily notes on paper about your symptoms, when you take your drugs, and their dosages. Use a simple list format with time of day on the left and notation (symptom, drug and dosage) on the right.

[Multidrug]

Thank you so much for checking in, Altostrata,

 

I take the Lamictal before going to bed, around 11 o`clock. No other drugs. 

My symptoms don´t follow any pattern since I am in the same state from the moment I wake up till the moment I go to bed. 

 

I am really concerned about my situation. My brain just feels like being in a permanent cramp that doesn`t open anymore. After having some marijuana some days ago I started getting what felt like stitches in the brain and then this cramp like feeling got a bit better. But of course it´s back now. I can hardly walk anymore, I am sooo exhausted as soon as I wake up and all I can do is lay down all day without being able to make sense of anything that happens around me and these non epileptic-seizures are so bad.

 

The only times I feel better is around 1 week after I make a reduction (0.25mg!!!!!) cause I go into those very strong headaches (which are more like brain-aches) and I feel that this brain cramp opens somewhat...then and only then am I able to think somewhat normal and the shaking and seizures are not there during that time. But after 1-2 days it stops again and I go back to that cramp state (and as a result to agony). 

In all honesty I cannot life like that any longer. 

[Multidrug]

Hi all, 

 

it's been a while again. I am just desperate. I started to taper thr Lamictal in Nov last year by reducing 0.25mg or 0.5mg ever 7 to 14 days. I am now on 65 mg (and stuck!!!). 

Ever since I started reducing some things in my head got SO MUCH BETTER!!!! 

_ that feeling of my braing being in a state of cramp stopped

_ the dissociative seizures stopped

_ the feeling of being caught in a shock got muvh better

_ I was able to think more "normal" things

_ the uncontrollable shaking of arms and upper body improved a lot

_ the feeling of being intoxicated improved

- the violent thoughts against other are almost gone

_ the right side of my brain feels like it's starting to awake from a coma

 

The wd symptoms changed from extreme fatigue and a looot of sleep day and nifht to now no sleep during the days and massive problems and bad sleep at nights. As a result the knocking in my head is back once again. Thus symptom is so horrible cause it already lead to a complete nervous breakdown once and I am very concerned it will happen again. 

 

I have been holding the dose for 3 weeks now and do not feel ready to make another reduction yet. I cramp feeling inside the brain is coming back though as well as some other things that are not wd but an adverse reaction or side effects to the drug. 

 

I am so terrified I will not make it off this drug or not make it off fast enough before it is making me go completely insane. 

 

Please someone... Help me find a way off. I am even willing to start another drug just to free myself from this one. 

[Multidrug]

Ps: sorry for the grammar. I am using a very old phone and can hardly read what I write. 

[Gem92]

Hello, I have been polydrugged too. It's awful! I get those suicidal feelings like you. They are worse than the thoughts! I hope you see some improvement soon! ☺ You are far out and will probably see recovery very shortly! Hang in there! 👍

[Multidrug]

Back after years

 

Hi, I have been a member around 2014/2015 but don't remember my password and actually username. I think it was something like Multidrug. 

 

Anyway, I have been off Ativan, Seroquel and 16 other psych drugs since 2014 and off the last drug I was on, Lamictal, since 3 years and 3 months. I started Lamictal in 2014 and my first attempt to get off in 2015 when so very wrong that I was terrified of doing another taper. In 2017 the drug started to turn on me though and would give me a horrific reaction. Yet I stayed on for 2 more years cause at that point I was already to crazy to taper. In the end I came off 60mg within 11 days. It was that or killing myself. 

 

That practically ct destroyed me. I had very bad daily seizures for over a year, massive inflammation in the brain (I am still convinced I got toxic encephalopathie). Constantly feel like the right side of my brain is poisoned and full of electricity. 

One of the ingedients of the lamictal pills I took was aluminum and I keep wondering if that is what is stuck in my brain. I also got mercury toxicity. I feel like I got dementia and feel like my nerves are no longer sending signals through my body. If this isn't dyi g I don't know what it is. 

 

What is absolutely killing me is my gut. It stops working more and more. I go to the toilet ONLY if I take strong things like dulcolax. I take them every 7 to 10 days and just never go in between. My mom makes Kefir and kambucha, I eat lots of veggies, take psyllium, humin acid, prune juice, bentonite and yesterday started taking e. coli bacterias but felt really bad the whole day after taking the pill so will not do that again probably...nothing helps. This is becoming really serious. Please help me.

 

 

Edited November 21, 2022 by Shep
added title after moving from another intro thread.

[Shep]

@Multidrug Please note I moved your post from a new intro thread to your already existing thread. Now all of your information is in one place.

 

Please update your signature so we have a clear history of where you've been since 2018. A direct link to your thread is here:

 

Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature

 

Once we have an updated history, we'll be able to answer questions and offer advice. 

[Multidrug]

Is there anyone in here that is still very very ill after over 3 years off? Will I ever heal from this ct or am I destroyed forever? I feel like all my nerves are damaged. I can literally FEEL that. And so many other scary symptoms. I have no idea how to keep doing this much longer. 

[Multidrug]

I would love to connect with other ct people that still suffer tremendously even after years off the drugs. Going off 60mg of Lamictal just destroyed me upside down and inside out with no end in sight. 

I am now facing to get a stoma because my gut loses more and more of it's ability to work even though I do countless natural things that normally should help but non of them do. As soon as I take too many supplements to help my gut I still go mentally nuts and can't tolerate it. I feel so stuck and lost in this. 

[Shep]

On 11/26/2022 at 7:21 AM, Multidrug said:

I would love to connect with other ct people that still suffer tremendously even after years off the drugs.

 

You may want to touch base with the Inner Compass:

 

Inner Compass Initiative

[Multidrug]

Thanks Shep,aren't there protracted people in this forum?

[Shep]

13 hours ago, Multidrug said:

Thanks Shep,aren't there protracted people in this forum?

 

Yes, you can find protracted people here, but the folks who are the most active are those who are tapering. Surviving Antidepressants' main focus is tapering advice, so there aren't the kind of dedicated protracted spaces that some other forums have. 

 

Benzo Buddies has a members-only Protracted Withdrawal Forum where you'll find nothing but protracted people posting. I would urge caution with that site, though - a lot of people in the PAWS section are trying other psych drugs (besides benzos) and lots of supplements. But it can at least connect you with other people who are years off these drugs. The Inner Compass may also have some connections. 

[Rezten]

On 11/24/2022 at 8:28 AM, Multidrug said:

Is there anyone in here that is still very very ill after over 3 years off? Will I ever heal from this ct or am I destroyed forever? I feel like all my nerves are damaged. I can literally FEEL that. And so many other scary symptoms. I have no idea how to keep doing this much longer

Hi Multi, I too am very protracted.  It has been over 4 years for me, but things are better than they were in the beginning. I am not bed bound anymore, I can be some what productive most days. I still have the intense nausea and flu like symptoms and other stuff, but i can usually push through it and sometimes I just have to accept I can not do anything and try to rest.

 

I have felt the same way you do, and still do at times. It does get easier over time but I think recovery is different for everyone.  It is frustrating to see many people post their recovery after a few months or a year when we have been suffering a long time.  But don't give up, things will improve and get easier, but only God knows when.