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dozaec

Venlafaxine and my wife leaving me

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dozaec

Just the other day my wife told me that she no longer has any sexual attraction to me and feels we do not connect on an emotional level. We used to have sex all the time and felt very connected, but she was treated for PTSD from being assaulted and raped multiple times. She was put on multiple depression pills until finally she started to feel better on venlafaxine; however it was a very high dosage. We were only married for about 6-7 months after she started on this drug. 

 

Ever since she started this drug we have drifted apart and she has felt something was wrong but didn't know what. We have had passionate sex at times, sometimes she is jumping me but the past few months there has been nothing. Always telling me how much she loves me and is in love with me, until the past few months it became worse. 

 

We talked about a lot over the past few days; now we haven't really been connecting, which is true, but I try and prior she would tell me anything on her mind. But when I asked what was wrong she just said she didn't know and didn't feel right. Both of us are to blame for not trying hard enough, I wasn't really romantic and didn't keep the flame burning. I was stressed at work and became complacent with the mundane rhythm of life, trusting what she told me that we would be together forever. 

 

Now our marriage has come to separation. She unsure of what she wants, one day she says yes to counseling and we can try to figure this out and the next (today) she says she doesn't want to go to counseling and doesn't know what she wants. Despite telling me I am the best thing to ever happen to her (many times before throughout our relationship and during this conversation) she just cannot force herself to be attracted to me and doesn't really understand why just that she doesn't feel connected.

 

In my eyes it's pretty much over, although we didn't mention the D word. I read online that venlafaxine, however, can inhibit people from developing long-term romantic feelings for partners and squash sexual drive plus cause intense tiredness, which she has, and further induce depression, which she also has. She tried to reduce her dosage from 3 75mg to 2 75 and 1 35 but there were bad side effects, she was more depressed then ever. 

 

We are best friends, have an incredible relationship and talk constantly about any issues we have. For some reason though, she doesn't feel this emotional connection. I think this drug may be part of the whole equation that has deteriorated her attraction to me; especially since she went from intense love to this and does not know why. 

 

Is this something that happens? Should I tell her that I thinks he should talk to her doctor about changing medication? Do I tell her right now when she JUST left to stay at her friends or do I wait? 

 

We are both distressed, she is so sorry that she is hurting me and wants to feel connected to me but can't. She feels sexual desire for other guys, but despite how attractive she thinks I am has none for me. 

 

I do believe she needs space to figure herself out, she has always been struggling to find time for herself (she has a kid and dealt with so much therapy). 

 

I'm so lost, we were amazing together and still love each other, although I am in love with her. 

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dalsaan

Hi Dozaec

 

Welcome to SA. I'm sorry to hear of the circumstances that brought you here.

 

These drugs can have very significant impacts on our emotionality and sexuality. We have a thread on the impact of this on marriages available here - http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6714-marriages-destroyed-by-ssri-snri-topix/. There us a video in the second post that you might like to watch.

 

Part of the difficulty with these drug induced states is that they feel very real. It's not like a side effect like drowsiness where you can say 'that's a pill reaction'. The blunting of feelings and libido is an absence that feels like the same absence caused by a natural lack of emotion and sexual desire. I'm not saying it's definitely the drugs, I can't know that. I am saying it's a real possibility

 

Unfortunately drs don't know much about this stuff or are unwilling to face it.

 

The other issue in your post is her attempt at reducing her dose. We recommend a 10 percent reduction per month. If your wife made two very big dose reductions I'm not surprised she had withdrawal.

 

We can help her reduce her dose more safely and share our experiences. Perhaps you could show her the thread and video above and see if she wants to engage

 

Dalsaan

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brassmonkey

Hi Dozaec--  welcome to the group.  I'm sorry that it is under such upsetting circumstances.  Having been through a similar experience, except from your wife's side of things, I can really say that it is the drugs.  All of the AD drugs end up making a person feel nothing what so ever about anything, especially things that use to be important.  At one point when I was in full tolerance, before I started to taper I commented to my wife of 33 (at the time) years that I felt nothing for her.  This caused many a "late night discussion".  It wasn't that I didn't have the feelings for her, it was just that they were buried and inaccessible.  After doing some research I figured out that the Paxil was causing most of my problems and I had to get off of it.  It was about two years into my taper that the feelings really started to come back, and now they are stronger than before I went on the drugs. BTW we celebrated 36 years a couple of months ago.  The problem is whether or not she is amenable to coming off of the drugs.

 

Best of luck.

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dozaec

Thanks for the responses everyone. My wife and I spoke today about our relationship and what happened; she didn't feel like she could be independent and has healed so much during our relationship that she isn't even sure if she could be independent. On my side I wasn't assertive enough for her telling her my feelings, which have been an issue and I've been working on it, and that she was glad I demanded we talk and for me to tell her if she left for another guy (which she didn't, I trust her words). We definitely need time apart but whether it's permanent or not I have no idea. 

 

She is guarded a little but it was a productive conversation, very enlightening for me and I realized during most of our relationship I've held back in fear of harming her. We also talked about her issues and her dependence on me hurt her. 

 

It's not very hopeful, as she is thinking about possibly dating this guy but isn't sure yet. She said she had a connection with him but it's about the exact same stuff that we developed our connection, seems like a case of grass is greener.

 

Regarding her meds, I told her yesterday but she looked a little dismissive and confused, I assured her I said it in her best interest and not . Although today she said she is going to see a therapist and actually agreed to seeing a relationship counselor at least the first session, I hope more. We didn't talk about her dosage or rehash how she feels disconnected to me. (Which, again, she wanted to have sex just the week before and was really into it). 

 

The more I read about various accounts the more I believe this is a contributor. 

 

Oh regarding her reduced dosage, her Dr. was the one that told her to reduce it by that much.

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dalsaan

I had assumed she made her dosage changes on drs advice. We see lots of professional ignorance here.

 

I hope things progress well for both of you. We are here if you need input on medication side effects, withdrawal etc.

 

Take care

 

Dalsaan

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dozaec

Thanks, I'll have to figure out how to talk to her about it. Maybe if the relationship counseling goes ok it can be brought up. 

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brassmonkey

The decision to taper off of the drugs is like quitting alcohol.  In order to work there has to be an honest desire from within the individual.  In many cases the more brow beating, cajoling and vehement talking to that happens, (not that you'll do that)  just causes the individual to withdraw and hold their ground.  It is a very tricky subject to broach because many people don't make the connection that it is happening to them, it's part of the emotional numbing and not caring caused by the drugs.  Keep the lines of communication open and with luck she can make the connection and want to make the changes necessary.  Best of luck and keep us posted.

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dozaec

Thanks brassmonkey

 

Well she tried to taper off the drugs and really wanted to, but it was too much for her. The withdrawal was terrible and she called me crying and scared while I was at work. I called up the psych hospital that prescribes her drugs last month and her Dr. (who again is just a resident) and a nurse called her to talk. They put her back up to the full amount and said they would talk about it next time.

 

My wife also has depression, which I am learning now that we did not handle her mental health correctly. She became completely dependent on me, which caused her intense need to be independent and contribute to our marriage equally whither and die. She had little drive to get better. I was so exhausted putting everything into us and our family (she has a son) that I couldn't take a step back and talk about us, work on our relationship. Her drugs didn't handle her depression that well, they were to manage the other symptoms of PTSD, and her depressive states just became worse and worse this year. 

 

It's been a very up and down weekend. She changed on Saturday from being snippy and stubborn to texting me later apologizing for being so snippy and harsh, that she was being stubborn, wants to take some time to herself with no boys or anything, that she didn't leave me for another guy but she did leave for herself, and that yes, she does want to go to therapy with me when she gets back. She is going ot try to keep an open mind and heart and wants to work on "it" what ever that is. Other than that she is asking for minimal contact.

 

That is mostly what I wanted, as long as she sticks to that, go to therapy together. I wish she was more willing to actually save our marriage but at least she is entering therapy open to whatever we go through.

 

I don't know how to broach the subject of her mental health and medication, but I sent her best friend, who is living with us temporarily, the articles I read and he agrees it is exactly what she did, to a T. Even the quotes of what the psychiatric usually hears were her words, exactly.

 

Thanks for letting me vent, my friends and even her friends have been incredibly supportive of me. Her best friend is so confused, she always told him how much she loved me and amazing our relationship was (which is was, we clicked so well). He also knew about her depression and her confusion with her feelings but she never hinted towards this.

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dozaec

Wow, I am reading all these accounts of anti-depressants, in some cases venlafaxine, destroying feelings towards your spouse. I am just stunned that we did not approach this before or see it, that the drugs, which are not even helping her depression really (so it seems) could be a major cause. I didn't realize how they change the chemicals in your brain like they do and that romantic feelings rely on the same chemicals that are suppressed. We were so in love and have been through so much together, always coming out stronger.

 

Once she was put on this drug and the dosage increase, that's when she started to slowly feel this way. Despite all her efforts to not feel this way. 

 

This is just... so eye opening. I talked to her best friend about this and he too thinks depression and this drug are the driving force behind her leaving. He said he is going to talk to her about this once she returns from her trip; they are going to get coffee together because, unfortunately, he is more sympathetic towards me and does not think she truly wants this separation. He's pretty blunt and honest so they are not on great terms right now.

 

I don't even know what to do with all this information, it puts my mind at ease a little but I can only hope she is open to getting of this drug slowly to see if it is the cause.

 

I do have one question, do you think I should call up her psych doctor and talk to him what happened? What she told me about her romantic desire fading and depression? I'm not sure she is always truthful with him since their appointments are rarely more than 15 mins.

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brassmonkey

It sounds like you have a good base to work from, just keep communicating.  She is going to be very confused about her feelings,as they are probably pretty deeply buried right now and it is frustrating not to be able to access them.  Having the failed taper attempt will probably make her gun shy about trying it again, but if she can do a 10% or less taper the symptoms are very manageable and her feelings will come back.  It will just take time.  Really try to avoid letting the doctor try and switch medications all it will do is cause more problems.  There are thousands of examples on the forum here of how switching didn't help.  Something else we have thousands of examples of is the fact that psych doctors don't have a clue about how these drug effect people, their symptoms and side effects, and they know even less about how to take people off of them.

 

It's great to see that you have some good support.  Hang in there.

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dozaec

Thanks Brass. 

 

I talked to her best friend last night and he thinks once she gets help she is not going to abandon us. He said she always said how amazing I was, how attractive I was, how great I was with her son and how we had such a great relationship. She also told him about her depression. He is kicking himself for not telling her to get to therapy ASAP but nothing you can do. He's a huge help for me, insightful to her behavior and at least optimistic about the long-term. 

 

The last time we had sex she was telling me how she loved me and couldn't stop kissing me. It's so confusing...

 

I managed to go yesterday without communicating with her. I cried a lot and cried this morning, I dreamed about her and miss her son (who is basically my son too); all I want to do is reach out and say hi. 

 

Do you think I should talk to her psychiatrist about her actions and if he thinks the venlafaxine is a factor? As a note, he is a resident at a hospital at a university, that's where my wife was housed for a few days in their ward. 

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dozaec

I'm barely surviving, all I want to do is reach out. My wife asked for minimal contact although she does want to go to therapy when we get back. I want to tell her so much, what I found out reflecting about us, what I researched about her meds, how I really DO want to have children but was afraid we couldn't handle the pressure. Just so much.

 

I want to be there for her to support her, I don't think she needs to move out to gain independence. She left because she felt finding a job, living alone (with her son) and being independent would fix her. I know I need to wait until she gets back, it's just so difficult. She's still on the same meds so her feelings likely haven't changed, but maybe some time away at the beach will give her some clarity. 

 

At least her best friend is optimistic about her not giving up on us, that she loves me more than anything and is in a bad place right now, which is controlling her.

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dozaec

Update: Not sure if I should be positive about this or not but I am.

 

My wife's friend who she went on vacation with texted her best friend, who lives with me, that she is in a positive mood, told her that she is going to go to therapy with me and isn't really talking much beyond that. The fact she told her friend, who she is also staying with when she gets back, means that she wants her support for her decision.

 

While my wife said this early in the week, the fact she is telling so many people this is a good sign. Unfortunately, she has another week to think about this and could change her mind at any minute. If she sinks back into depression upon returning and being overwhelmed I may lose her for good.

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dozaec

I know this is silly to be optimistic about, but my wife changed back her Facebook profile to show we are married on her front page. She took it down when she left last week, making it private, and put it back yesterday. 

 

Could have been a number of reasons, I'm just hoping it is positive. We still haven't spoken since Sunday, when we texted briefly, but I was hoping to hear something to calm me. 

 

Every day is torture for me, while she is on vacation smiling and relaxing, just a simple reassurance that she is interested in working on us is all I need, one text. At least one of our heads will be cleared when she returns, I don't think it's mine.

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dalsaan

Dozaec,

 

I dont know you, your wife or your situation but I would suggest that if your wife has requested no contact its because she needs space to work through how she is feeling.  The best thing you can do is respect that.  The worst thing you can do is not respect that.   I know it's difficult but sometimes doing nothing is doing something.   Your wife has a responsibility to clear her mind and it sounds like that's what she is doing.  You have a responsilbility to clear yours.   Perhaps you might benefit from some counselling on your own to help you with that?

 

Dalsaan

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dozaec

That was false optimism.

 

I wasn't contacting her at all. Yesterday she texted me to see how I was doing. I was honest and it went down hill from there, we ended up talking on the phone.

 

She changed her mind from what she said last Sat. about keeping an open mind and going to therapy with me. She said she thinks she never was in love with me and then later said she didn't know. She is still going to counseling with me just to help me separate easier and talk about what to do with her kid. 

 

I tried to talk to her about potentially medication and/or depression affecting her emotions and she argued bitterly, nit picking everything, claiming she wasn't depressed. I saw a depressed wife for a while and her friends think she is depressed, she has now suddenly denied it. I sent her my letter, she flipped out again and sent her a few links about antidepressants and she came back with "mine is an SNRI so it's different". She even had the need to tell me she wasn't crying about this or hurt.  I don't even know who I talked to on the phone or who wrote that email but it didn't seem like the woman I loved. 

 

She was hurt I never told her I started to want kids with her earlier this year out of fear because she did not seem well to me. That hurt her of course, but it's the truth. I feared that she would be so damaged if I said I wanted kids but I didn't think she could handle a kid. Her psychiatrist is no help, saying if she can masturbate she has no issues with attraction. Her therapist might help her but it doesn't matter, our life together is over. 

 

I'm pretty sure this is over. Her best friend does not think so though, that she is acting out. 

 

I'm getting counseling for myself for sure, hopefully next week. For now I have to move on.

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btdt

OMFG
"Her psychiatrist is no help, saying if she can masturbate she has no issues with attraction. "
Her doctor is an idiot Pure and Simple as that!

 

If only they really did knew as much as they thought they knew... it makes my blood boil!

 

The two are barely related when a person is on effexor.  |How long has she been taking Effexor?  All in how long?  Has she had any intrusive thoughts....intrusive sexual imagery or sexual compulsions... odd feelings about sex that she has never had before?  Are there sexual intrusions into her life that were never there before and sexual ideas that would have been revolting to her pre effexor that intrude without the repulsion... with no feelings at all beyond an odd fasination that her brain is doing this sexual visual gymnastics without any input from her at all. The idea that this is an odd state and what it may mean to her real life it missing or all this is how it was for me.  

 

The part of self that takes a look at what is going on in the life and asks why and plans and fixes problems is temporarily disconnected... all this was going on and I never once questioned it as whatever part of my brain that connected myself to my consciousness was disconnected when I was drugged.

 

I wrote this here before I had previously used the time before sleep to work thru problems in my life and to make plans on how to tackle them... I would still try to do this once the drug took over my life but I could not connect...not only could I not connect... the cognitive difficulty did not ring any alarm bells... I think in part the lack of alarm bells were caused by a two part assault I could not feel... my own feelings they were gone in my head I knew I should feel more connection to certain people but I didn't... this includes my own kid it is not just a romantic issue it is a big problem... add to that the cognitive problems it was a double whammy. Too dense to know I was dense is a term I have coined for this state of being. At the same time I was not stupid I have never been stupid... (strike that some drugs and wd states have made me stupid... )  I could always present... I had years of having to present and appear ok to keep custody of my kid so I did what I needed to do for years... and the pattern continued... I could fake it and hope it would all come together later... it didn't.  The longer it went on the worse it got.... in the beginning on effexor I was more sexual then I was before even tho the reasons I was having sex were completely changed. 

 

There was one man at the topix thread who dug up information on dopamine seems ssri snri drugs can lower the dopamine and when this happens new and novel things that increase dopamine are what people seek... affair danger new and novel things... I became a stripper which pretty much covered the entire list. 

 

While I know your confused and upset... this is likely not going to be anything any counselor is going to be able to help you with... as they are not going to believe you so many others have tried this and found they are cookie cutter treated... poor sap can't get over his wife leaving... it is a very common theme that disallows the source of the real problems.  In a normal situation of a spouse leaving one gets accustom to the fact and moves on but when you think or know it is a drug reaction mental health issue... that old bit of marriage vow comes into play \

 

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH

 

Man that has kept so many going the what if it was me that had this ... what happens when she wakes up one day and realizes I abandoned her/him what to do when he/she comes back and says I was sick... and I would have helped you... ya all that keeps people working hard on this pray and almost killed some people really...

 

I have watched over the years post my own drug use...I have watched this go down and sometimes we have people who lived it like me but mostly it is the partner... some partners don't believe drugs can do this so some users are forced to walk once they get clean... and sort it out it the partner will not believe their actions while drugged were drug induced.  I wish we had more people like me who are sorting thru the after math who had complete personality changes.. it is not that they don't come to the sites they do but they seem to falter in recovery and never come back...most not all don't come back. I suspect they have so many problems trying to work this thru and nobody believes them... maybe some are dead I would not doubt it. It is a raw deal for everyone involved the kids my heart bleeds for the kids and all of us. 

 

Some couples manage to get beyond it but I am truthful with you that is not the norm... noticing and tapering while the partner is still in the same house with you seems to have some baring on who regains their marriage but not always. 

 

If you go to the marriages thread you will find some old links or recovered links to the topix thread that is the mother lode for this topic years of following how this pans out... but you have to know how to dig up deleted threads... there is one link there to some bits and pieces. I think to get a handle on how this really goes down that site is the place to look if you can manage to access it. 

 

I do not have computer skills and for all I know it is impossible to access but maybe it is. There are a few people here from the topix but they don't seem invested in this site like they were in the other site so they don't post updates.  Maybe if you contact some of them you will find some real support from people who actually know what they are talking about. 

 

I wish you peace. 

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btdt

From the marriages thread here some copies made by a topix users who was taking the people from topix and putting them all in one thread on the topix site this is a link to them

again put here by another user of the topix site... I don't know how to do this

 

Stories of SSRI users

 

https://docs.google....dit?usp=sharing

 

 

Stories of SSRI spouses

 

https://docs.google....dit?usp=sharing

 

post # 12 here

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6714-marriages-destroyed-by-ssri-snri-topix/

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dozaec

Thanks I tried to show her some articles but I didn't choose the best ones. 

 

I have to go to counseling tonight with her, she is adamant about ending the marriage. There is nothing I can do at this point. 

 

The only hope I have is that her therapist recommends weaning off the drugs to see how she does.

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DevastatedWife

dozaec - btdt is 100% correct with this assessment!

 

"Her psychiatrist is no help, saying if she can masturbate she has no issues with attraction. "
Her doctor is an idiot Pure and Simple as that!

 

Your wife is terribly sick and needs a new doctor ASAP.  I hope therapy works for you, it did not work for me.  In retrospect, it was the doctor.  If you can afford it, try and find one that specializes in marriage counseling and do a 4-5 hour intensive session.  I would honestly wait though until she realizes the drugs are the problem.  Prepare yourself that she may not come out of this.  I know that is horrible but it is very common in these situations.  There are people that don't "wake up" from this for years. You have to ask yourself how long you can really do this.  My nightmare started in 2009 by 2013 I was done! Once you go that long it's hard to come back because like I explained to my husband, he disengaged from our marriage because of the drugs but I disengaged through anger, frustration, and despair.  It's not easy to get back those feelings after disengaging and preparing yourself mentally to move on.  When he snapped out of it - his feelings hadn't changed for me and he was ready to pick up where he left off but by then my feelings for him were still anger, frustration, and despair! I still struggle DAILY to stay married.  Some days are better than others.  I will pray that your wife will see the truth.  I'm so sorry you had to join this club!  Remember you are not alone.

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dozaec

Thank you DevestatedWife. 

 

She will not listen to me about her medication. She doesn't even really like her psychiatrist but sticks with him for some reason. I mean she won't have insurance once she divorces me so I'm not sure how she is even going to survive that long.

 

Hopefully her Dr. will try to reduce her dosage again but fat chance of that. This whole thing is ridiculous, throwing away our marriage, she was literally telling our friend's mom how happy I make her and she is compromising her son's future, losing his insurance and all the support I provided. He called me dad, we were going to take him to a bunch of family events this summer that she planned. 

 

She's just out of her mind, I have no idea what's happening but it's crazy and I have to suffer it. I can't wait around for her to realize it might be her meds, she doesn't want me to. I just want to stop hurting. 

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dmpjhp

Devastated Wife,

I'm sure I should know, but I have forgotten. How long was your husband off the pills before he started having feelings again? Did he go back and forth emotionally and how long until his feelings stayed?

Thanks.

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dozaec

Well that's it I think. We went to a counselor, she wants a dissolution the counselor said there is nothing he can do really. Once she wants out she wants out.

 

She took me to dinner and we had a very candid and emotional conversation about what happened, basically she felt like she was afraid to tell me what was on her mind constantly for some reason, that it wasn't easy for her to open up to me like that. I had a similar issue, but I think that it is not worth throwing away our marriage over.

 

She said she changed and is more "clear minded" now, but doesn't know if she was in love with me or not when she left. Basically running and blaming our relationship for her personal problem. We can work on it in counseling but she has no desire to right now.

 

Over and over she kept saying she would be open to dating again in the future, or at least being friends. I'm not really sure about either of those.

 

I am debating whether to send these other articles that are more sound than I sent prior. I really care for her and I just do not want to rule out her medication modifying her emotions.

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Ydgully

Hi dozaec so much of what your saying rings true with what i am going through with my wife , i have no idea if we will make it to 11 years in a couple of months time.

My wife also strongly refuses that the citlopram has anything to do with her having no feelings towards me and me even mentioning it send her into a rage .

We have been to marriage counceling but it causes toomuch stress, and the councellor didnt know what an ssri was.

What im trying to say is at least your still talking with each other , i have also heard the "i want us to be friends " line.

But there is very little talking only anger towards me ,

Its draining but i live in hope as she is trying to come off the cit by taking 10mg then missing two days .probably not the best way but she has to figure this out herself .

Stay strong and find your own copeing strategy/ therapy

Just coming on here to know your not alone works for me .

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dozaec

Thanks Ydgully, I'm not even sure how to approach the topic of her meds affecting her. 

 

I wrote an email, explaining I didn't want to upset her but these could be part of the reason why her feelings faded without her even realizing it. I have yet to send it though, I have a feeling it will not be well received. I'm not really sure, she was pretty manic yesterday and who knows today, we don't talk. Her friend tells me her state.

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DevastatedWife

Devastated Wife,

I'm sure I should know, but I have forgotten. How long was your husband off the pills before he started having feelings again? Did he go back and forth emotionally and how long until his feelings stayed?

Thanks.

 

Sorry for the delay - I asked him about this again last night but I want to give you a little background too.  He began treatment to get off of oxycotin in 2011.  This was through a well respected psychiatrist who also runs in and out patient drug treatment at a local mental hospital.  He practices privately as well. This dr. prescribed Suboxone immediately (meant for short term use).  My husband developed anxiety so he was first prescribed Celexa and Ambien (for sleep issues) then was moved from Celexa to Effexor.  This cocktail continued for over 2 years! During that time he tapered down the suboxone on his own and eventually got to where he rarely took the Ambien. He also would attempt to taper off of the Effexor as well.  As you can imagine he would have horrendous side effects and then succumb to both drugs all over again.  His "appointments" would last 15 minutes and he would just get his refill.  I provide very good insurance so I'm sure that played a role in all of this.

 

Fast forward now to Oct 2013 - he went to this dr to get a refill and inform him that he was going to enter a rehab facility. He actually tried to persuade him not to go to rehab and swore he could get him off of this crap without going inpatient.  My husband called me and told me this, I said no it is inpatient rehab or your moving. He entered into an inpatient program in another state.  For his detox, they first tapered him off of the suboxone and once that was gone they tapered the Effexor.  They removed it by cutting in half each day until it got under 10 then they just took it.  We've talked about the slow taper that I've seen recommended everywhere (not just on this site) and for him he said he was attempting the taper at home hurting for so long that it was better for him to do it quick.  He said he would rather hurt for a short time than draw it out over an extended period.  Plus in the rehab he didn't have access to the meds so someone else was accountable for them and he couldn't just succumb to the negative effects.  

 

So to answer your original question - he said that when he got below 37.5 was when his feelings returned and they finally stayed constant within 36-48 hours of completely stopping.  This was a very emotional time because the reality of what he had done and where he was really hit him. I've told him some of the other stories here and other places that I've read.  Last night he said he was thinking about it the other day about what he would have done if we would have divorced and he lost everything and continued on with those pills how scary that would have been to "wake up" from it and have nothing.  He said that is really scary.  I'm just glad that the rehab provided a chance for him to be away and focused on himself while providing structure and counseling to be able to return to reality.  We would not have made it if he continued his attempted tapering schedule.  He needed the structure, peace, and to be away from home in order to actually get off of them.

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dozaec

Ok... so my wife's best friend had lunch with her yesterday. He told me she seemed more composed and "ok" but they were in public. She still says she thinks this is the right thing to do, whatever that means, but doesn't really have a reason why she is calling it quits. 

But some new info now makes me think she is trying to run and live her "20's" rather than really running from our marriage. She always said how she was overwhelmed with taking care of her child, daily tasks and how everyone needed her. She was telling her one "friend" she felt connected with how she never really wanted to be a mom and couldn't control her life, etc... That friend told our other friend who told me, which makes a lot more sense than her giving up on our marriage because of an issue that can be worked on. Also, her best friend agrees that is what she is doing, trying to live out her 20's as an individual but thinks she is going to see reality fairly soon.

What makes me think she is still out of her mind is she said to her best friend "I wish he (me) would man up and take my kid.". In what reality would someone's ex-husband take the ex-wife's child from another man? Her friend told her that is completely unreasonable and makes no sense. 

She also is under the belief that she is going to get a job, maybe go to school and work on her art business. All things she could have done with me but felt too overwhelmed and guilty about finding someone to watch her child to actually accomplish. She also doesn't remember me asking her to go to therapy multiple times.

Her best friend is so just confused that she would throw away such a great thing we had; but my wife now is not the wife she was even just last year and definitely not the wife I married. She's taking for granted our entire relationship, everything we have weathered, and I feel like I've been lied to, yet I know she hates lying to me and has always appreciated what we had. 

I trusted her completely and she even said, before we got married, that if she were to ever think about leaving (I brought this up from her last marriage) that she would talk about it with me and try to work it out first. 

Right now I'm so pissed off, just angry at her. Angry she would toss out our marriage like trash even though it can be worked on, angry that she isn't even thinking about her son and angry that she isn't thinking straight. Her son loves me like a father and I him like a son, we are in one of the best school districts in the region and I teach him; in my eyes she at least owes it to him to work on our marriage. We don't have to stay together if it really doesn't work in the end, but she should at least TRY, she is giving up and running instead. I don't even know where he is going to live, his dad's I guess but he works all the time.

Her reality is not actual reality; I'm so worried and so angry I don't even know what to do. I can't talk to her, I'll just end up telling her how ridiculous this is and how angry I am. I know she wanted to have more time alone and more time to just go out and have fun, but this is an extreme she is going to damage herself, her son's future and her relationship with the best man she has ever loved (Her words).

 

I'm going to try to contact her psychiatrist today and her best friend is going to give her links to some articles on her drugs. I am at a loss as to what to do; I can't "save" my marriage when she is like this.

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dozaec

I called her psychiatrist hospital, she only sees her Dr. once every other month for 15 minutes.

She sees a resident, who is now gone, she is going to have this new guy assigned who knows nothing about the situation. I explained to him how she has been acting, how suddenly she left and how she doesn't want to be a parent anymore. Her personality has changed, more irritable and can't finish anything but her meds make her feel better. I don't know how she's going to get a job or anything now, she couldn't when we were together always gave up.

He said he can call her to ask her to come in about her meds but didn't actually tell me if her meds could be doing anything. I told him don't bother I'll ask her to come in before her insurance ends next time we talk I just wanted him to know what was up.

He hasn't even met her, she is being traded around.

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dozaec

Well it's over. My wife has officially, in her mind, started dating this other guy who she told not three weeks prior how in love she was with me. This guy does not think they are dating though and is likely not interested his sister said.

 

Anyway, this new wife of mine, who literally told me since she's been on drugs she has become a new person, is not who I want. She's nuts and out of touch with reality.

 

She thinks I never supported her doing what she wanted and I want a stay at home wife; quite the opposite I helped her do whatever she wanted. Start her art business, apply for jobs and college, go volunteering. I made sure we bought whatever she needed for her art ventures. I asked her straight up why she didn't get a job when we were together, she said she missed me too much and the weekends were the only time we had together. I said you know I supported you and she agreed but now it's the opposite!

 

Also said that our relationship was barely tolerable but told me how great we were together up until the last few months. Said I never realized what was going on and never asked; although I asked her and she would give me vague answers about not feeling right, or not knowing. It's all bonkers.

 

My therapist, who also talked to her once, thinks she is in a crisis and this dissolution is a mistake (not that it matters). Her best friend told me, this woman is not the woman you married, she isn't worth losing sleep over. He's right as much as this pains me I need to move on.

It's clear her drugs changed her.

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AnotherAnon

It really sucks to see so many other good people going through this. It's like talking to a brick wall until (when/if) they get off the meds. It is so painful to endure and nearly impossible to hold yourself together when they have no idea what they are doing. Nothing you say or do can get through to someone who gets thrown off by these drugs. I had to print copies of these message boards (and others) and physically  bring them to my SO's doctor to get my point across. Finally they listened and told her she needed to start weaning off the Effexor. 

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TeaBea

My nightmare started in 2009 by 2013 I was done! Once you go that long it's hard to come back because like I explained to my husband, he disengaged from our marriage because of the drugs but I disengaged through anger, frustration, and despair.  It's not easy to get back those feelings after disengaging and preparing yourself mentally to move on.  When he snapped out of it - his feelings hadn't changed for me and he was ready to pick up where he left off but by then my feelings for him were still anger, frustration, and despair! I still struggle DAILY to stay married.  Some days are better than others.  

 

That's it, EXACTLY, for me!!!

 

I've lurked on this forum for 2 yrs.  Got a lot of help here about the slow taper early on.  I keep meaning to post "our story", but I almost hate to relive it, but I think everyone should share because you never know who it might help.  For me, I've read the "marriages destroyed" postings (google docs that btdt pointed me to last year, I was under a different user name then) several times over, just to re-convince myself that it WAS the meds and not my husband.  

 

Just like DevastatedWife, my husband's "apathy" and withdrawing behavior in our marriage was created by the med, so that when he got down low enough and realized the fog of disinhibition and lack of judgement he'd been living in, he was glad to be out and headed back in the right direction and didn't want to look back.  I, however, brought to the brink of leaving because I couldn't imagine another 20 yrs living like we had the last 7 (his years on Effexor until we figured out the drug's role in his downward spiral) have struggled getting back to "normal".  And I feel guilt about it.  I don't have the patience he desperately needs.  I try to show it to him, but in private, I cry almost daily with the need to get this off my chest.  I just want him to hear me (and get a few answers), but he's so fragile emotionally right now, AND under so much stress at work (new job, new company) that I can't get what I need from him because I DO love him so much that I can't stand to see him suffer any more than he already is while doing this withdrawal.  He doesn't understand why we can't just go forward and pretend nothing happened.  Because, to him, nothing did happen (he thinks that unless he actually, physically stuck his thingy somewhere it didn't belong, that means he did NOTHING wrong).  I do get that I--WE--are so much luckier than most those folks that posted on the the "marriages destroyed" thread, but it's all relative.  All I knew was that my husband had changed--my great guy and become an apathetic, alcoholic Zombie who'd lost good judgement and the ability to inhibit himself.  He sometimes thinks I'm the bad guy here for not letting it go, then alternately admits that he didn't know if he could've handled it if the shoe had been on the other foot, apologizes profusely, thanks me for not giving up on him, begs me to have faith in him again, etc.

 

Effexor stole at least 8 years of our life--we didn't start getting it back until the year after he started withdrawing.  The last of the "young" years (before menopause).  Now, my own lifelong depression is at its worst (I've never been treated), along with anxiety, and I wouldn't mind going to live in LaLa Land for awhile.  He did it, why not me?  He was put on Effexor for anxiety which is now back, full-force.  I can't add to his burden.  Maybe posting here will help......

 

T

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dozaec

Ok now my wife appears to be making up her own realities and is super happy all of a sudden. I posted this in the other topic too but basically she called me feeling like everyone hated her and she was terrible. Then texted me how sorry she was and she felt like a horrible person. We texted a while about what she was doing, what I was doing, what we both thought, how we were both terrible communicators and what not. 

 

Then, next day, she tells her friend I asked her out and was pushy, I initiated the conversation, that she is dating this guy she is becoming obsessed over, etc... Totally living in her own world, none of it is true. She was very upbeat, hopeful and said she never felt better. This has happened to a lesser degree in our relationship, I didn't know it was potential signs of bipolar disorder. Thinking back she made up some other stuff that she thinks happened in our relationship, I thought it might have just been emotions speaking but it's probably what she actually believes. 

 

If she slips into a deep depression I am worried she would hurt herself, despite being on Effexor. She hurt herself before off the drugs and was sent to the psych ward for monitoring and help. I don't know if Effexor helps with bipolar. She is impulsive sometimes, then depressed. 

 

My friend suggests I call her psychiatrist to tell him what is going on from my viewpoint. I'm not sure that is the best idea, we have yet to sign our dissolution.

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DevastatedWife

I found a center in Arizona called Alternatives to Meds Center.  Since you have insurance now and she is still on it maybe she will go.  It sounds like she needs talking therapy way more than 15 min appts to just get drugged.

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dozaec

Not right now she won't she wants to get our dissolution done ASAP. 

 

She has no interest in listening to me that is why I feel like my only option is to call her psychiatrist.

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AnotherAnon

Many doctor's that know of these "happenings" have been very vocal these behaviors on antidepressants are a very strong indication of bipolar disorder (either type), OR BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Like your wife Dazaec, my SO has gone back and forth with differing stories, before antidepressants ever came into the story. She loves me and she hates me all at the same time.

 

I have to say that I almost imaged a fairy tale would happen once I got her off the effexor. I kept thinking I would be a hero and she would see how much I fought for her. What has really unfolded is that her family was very thankful for me, and for a short while my SO had a lot of guilt, but it seems to have faded. While I still struggle every day, I dont often see that it bothers her much anymore. Yes, he have a kid and yes she clearly struggled with her actions for a while, but she has become colder to me in the last couple of months. I know now that her bipolar disorder was the underlying problem all along, and so now we have to treat that. Under these AD-induced manic episodes there is a very broken person who needs real help. From that standpoint Lamictal seems to be the first course of action.

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dozaec

Yea I guess I should call up her psychiatrist. 

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