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dozaec

Venlafaxine and my wife leaving me

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dozaec

Wow, thanks brassmonkey. My heart tells me to help the one I love, that deep down she still loves me despite her lashing out. I would literally move a mountain, rock by rock, if it meant she would be happy with herself.

 

I have a good support network right now, friends and therapists but only my therapist and forum members really understand why I am riding the storm (or roller coaster as she calls it). I need to learn some coping tools, not reading into what she says, working on myself and taking one day at a time type stuff. I can slip back into a former version of me if I don't watch out, which means depression and social anxiety, but I can identify it when it happens now and work towards fighting it off. 

 

I really do believe if she wants to try again someday we can have a stronger relationship. I have grown a ton through self-help, therapy and just talking to friends and reading forums. 

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AnotherAnon

Dozaec,

 

I am glad to see you are gaining more clarity through this ordeal. God it is hard. 

 

You are a wonderful partner and hopefully one day she will remember that. Keep going to therapy, keep working on yourself. When your wife comes around you will be more of the person she fell in love with. It also sounds like you're getting better at not taking her lashings personally. That is something I must constantly remind myself. Sometimes I forget. 

 

I think that awareness has really unfolded in the last few years. The therapists and psychiatrists I've spoken to are not surprised by these stories - they understand it has become an epidemic. 

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dozaec

Thanks AnotherAnon. I am definitely gaining clarity, I am moving from a stage of being mad to a stage of simply missing her and my step-son. I have cried the past four days, every morning like clockwork. I see a school bus or look over to an empty side of the bed, it sets me off. There are reminders all over my house of my former life.

 

I agree, my therapist is aware that this happens and is encouraging me to hang in there for a few more months to see if she pulls out of her depression. I do know she wants to reduce her dosage but cannot right now since she is so depressed. I miss her to bits and wish we could talk like we used to, but alas we cannot. 

 

I hope I can return to the person she fell in love with, my confidence is growing steadily and I feel I am making progress working on my issues I clearly have. 

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AnotherAnon

Thanks AnotherAnon. I am definitely gaining clarity, I am moving from a stage of being mad to a stage of simply missing her and my step-son. I have cried the past four days, every morning like clockwork. I see a school bus or look over to an empty side of the bed, it sets me off. There are reminders all over my house of my former life.

 

I agree, my therapist is aware that this happens and is encouraging me to hang in there for a few more months to see if she pulls out of her depression. I do know she wants to reduce her dosage but cannot right now since she is so depressed. I miss her to bits and wish we could talk like we used to, but alas we cannot. 

 

I hope I can return to the person she fell in love with, my confidence is growing steadily and I feel I am making progress working on my issues I clearly have. 

 

I tend to teeter between acceptance and anger and depression. It's tricky and I am afraid I act out too much from my own depression. Especially that the infidelity happened again.

 

I hear you about the constant reminders. Pictures all over the place, songs on the radio, places we used to go, foods, smells....

 

I cannot talk to her, she is very far away. She apologizes for being this way. She is confused, she tells me often. I miss her.

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dozaec

Does she tell you she wants to try again when she comes out of it? I hear some who leave say that when they right themselves they would like to try again.

 

Unfortunately, my wife, despite clear signs she is harboring feelings for me, claims she is unsure if she loves me and doesn't think it would work out right now. She lashes out at me pretty severely sometimes, which severely depressed people do to those closest to them. I hope she can get through all the hurt we caused each other during this and see that I still love her despite everything. 

 

My wife also apologizes for a lot. She hasn't since our last meetup where she ripped into me all of a sudden, but she was not herself. :(

 

She texted me today about losing her SS card, asking me to look. I didn't respond yet, I'll wait until lunch in the even she tries to followup with a conversation.

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AnotherAnon

Does she tell you she wants to try again when she comes out of it? I hear some who leave say that when they right themselves they would like to try again.

 

Unfortunately, my wife, despite clear signs she is harboring feelings for me, claims she is unsure if she loves me and doesn't think it would work out right now. She lashes out at me pretty severely sometimes, which severely depressed people do to those closest to them. I hope she can get through all the hurt we caused each other during this and see that I still love her despite everything. 

 

My wife also apologizes for a lot. She hasn't since our last meetup where she ripped into me all of a sudden, but she was not herself. :(

 

She texted me today about losing her SS card, asking me to look. I didn't respond yet, I'll wait until lunch in the even she tries to followup with a conversation.

 

She very much wants to work on things. We are actually starting couples therapy this evening. I think she has learned to recognize her confusion as something that is largely perceptual. She admits to needing help and has not fought the Bipolar diagnosis. We are lucky that she is trying. 

 

So cliche, but we do hurt those we love the most.  That being said, I have done nothing to hurt her. My depression surely has taken a toll, but I have always put her first (maybe thats part of the problem?). I have never cheated and I have never put my friends before her.

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dozaec

Well that is at least a little hopeful! Sometimes I don't feel like my wife (ex??) realizes how much she means to me and her friends. 

 

She has always had issues with why I was with her and her not being good enough for me. She has said similar things after she left, why I am helping her, why I stick by her, etc... Our NC is helping though, I am focusing more on me. 

 

I hope therapy works for you two. Maybe my wife will be there eventually. I have been mildly depressed for some time as well, I think the stress of my job and dealing with her going through therapy and changing then drifting apart depressed me slightly. I didn't know how to talk about it though, like you seem to.

 

I'm sure it's going to be rough but you can do it! Let me know how it turns out!

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AnotherAnon

Well that is at least a little hopeful! Sometimes I don't feel like my wife (ex??) realizes how much she means to me and her friends. 

 

She has always had issues with why I was with her and her not being good enough for me. She has said similar things after she left, why I am helping her, why I stick by her, etc... Our NC is helping though, I am focusing more on me. 

 

I hope therapy works for you two. Maybe my wife will be there eventually. I have been mildly depressed for some time as well, I think the stress of my job and dealing with her going through therapy and changing then drifting apart depressed me slightly. I didn't know how to talk about it though, like you seem to.

 

I'm sure it's going to be rough but you can do it! Let me know how it turns out!

 

Thank you Dozaec, really appreciate that. I think I hijacked your thread so I apologize.

 

But for sure, dont underestimate her self-esteem and self-worth (or lack thereof). My SO has questioned plenty of times why I've stayed with her and that will come up in therapy. Did your ex have any childhood issues? 

 

Dont get me wrong, my SO and I have a very shallow mutual understanding of what each other is going through, but I absolutely walk on eggshells daily. It takes next to nothing to ruin the day. I dont talk to her about my depression really, I deal with it with my therapist. Something I remember btdt saying was how important patience is. When you hound someone who is manic for any reason (including medicine) it does not help one bit, especially coming from you. Any truthful reasoning just works better coming from an outside source, like a counselor. 

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dozaec

Oh she does have issues from childhood and growing up. Part of the cause for her PTSD is from her childhood. I feel for her, especially since she wanted our marriage to really work and still isn't sure she did all she could. 

 

I have issues as well, I am learning how my childhood affected my ability to open up, discuss and manage conflict. I am amazed how far I have come in two months.

 

Good point about not hounding someone who is manic; she used to ask me what I thought and what she should do but she would be upset with what I said. I think it's better we keep contact very low right now. I forgive her but I am still getting past the anger.

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dozaec

Well that's it pretty much. She flipped out today about the paperwork and made up a bunch of stuff that she thinks I think of her and how she feels. 

 

For instance now she was being charitable and held herself back during our relationship. I don't see how that is reality at all; she gushed about how I supported her dreams and let her do what she wanted, wrote about it in her journal, everything. It is so bizarre. She said she though we could potentially work out two weeks ago but now it's not a thing. Like a complete 180 from where she was I just don't get it.

 

She also said I think she is stupid, that I act like she took everything from me and that I think she should drop everything to come back regardless of what she wants. It's just nonsense. I know she feels that way but there is nothing to make her feel that way. I always told her she wasn't stupid and I've been there for her when she asked.

 

Now she is irate and angry for some reason. I am beaten down from all this, I think I'll just get the dissolution and be done with it. 

 

If, in the future, she comes around to normality maybe she'll regret her decision.

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dmpjhp

Unfortunately, this sounds eerily familiar to me. My ex rewrote history saying that one of the main reasons we couldn't stay together was because of a three day trip to the Bahamas we took with another couple. It was a pleasant trip, no drama.

He thinks I forced him to go, even though he knows I asked him immediately what he wanted to do when we were first invited by the couple. He immediately said yes and it was never an issue. Now he says he only said yes because he knew I wanted to go and didn't want to let me down. This trip was taken in the summer of 2011.

Only one example, but your SO's hostility is exactly what I've been battling for three and a half years. My ex hasn't had a real window in over a year, two small windows of treating me better and warmer to me last winter, but then divorced me last Spring. He was angry, irrational and almost manic. We divorced over email, something I said I would never do.

The divorce document was written with so much hostility that I asked if he would have it changed. He didn't even know why I was objecting. I told him our marriage had never been as stated and didn't want to sign a lie. It is bizarre what his mind is telling him. I think he truly hates me. Don't know if he will ever change back.

Hopefully, your situation will be worked out much faster. My ex stopped cold turkey, then three months later went back on sporadically for a few weeks to combat brain zaps. I may be wrong but I think tapering slowly would have made a difference.

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dozaec

Right now she won't reduce her dosage. She is telling me her dr. doesn't think she can reduce it while she is like the way she is.

 

I met her the other day to drop something off she was awkward but i thought she was slightly better but I was wrong. Yesterday she was back to her "up cycle" where she acts like everything is fine and she wants nothing to do with me, suddenly we have no hope but she said she thought we did two weeks ago (well... you treated me like crap and lashed out when we met, how can we possibly reconcile). Blew up when I asked to wait on the dissolution, threatened divorce papers and started making things up like how she has been charitable, held herself back for us. Like what? I have letters from her that say how much I support her in anything she wants to do, her best friend said that she talked about that all the time. She couldn't finish anything and I never got upset about it. 

 

She said she didn't love me like a spouse, like she did her ex; but she was in love with me, proposed to me, told everyone how in love she was for like 1.5 years. She even admitted she was in love with me many times before during this, yesterday nope, never happened. Now she is sort of falling for someone else, the second person in two months. Red flag right there, that doesn't happen to normal people. 

 

When she gets back from vacation this is going to end for sure this time. I have to get further away, this is what she wants so this is what she gets. No cell phone, no insurance and no support from me. She is blaming me for her own personal failure and unhappiness with herself. Pushes away her best friend and myself, her only two real support, and is going out partying, ignoring her son. 

 

The last thing I can do is send a letter to her psych and therapist, as my therapist recommends. After that I will move on, tell her to get the rest of her and her sons stuff out. 

 

We were best friends, could work through anything and loved each other deeply. I have no reason not to blame her meds for part of this, that is when she changed for the worse. 

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dmpjhp

My ex decided to reduce and quit Lexapro a month after he left home. Have no idea why. He told me repeatedly he was fine and doing what the doctor told him to do. I would say " Something is wrong, maybe the dosage is too high. Can we go back and check in with our doctor?" He would look at me like he hated every fiber of my being and say "I'm not changing anything".

Left home end of November, started reducing on his birthday, December 31.

Just know if she does taper or quit, the craziness will likely continue.

His feelings would start to return, then he would turn again on a dime. This went on for a year. He changed thirteen times, I charted it.

Then when he hit a wave in April '14, it was the worst by far.

 

If anyone has any insight to why he turned so bad after having so many positive windows toward me, I would appreciate it. It hit right at a year after his last dose. Coincidence, I suppose but I just wonder if there is a chemical reason for this.

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dozaec

I don't think I will ever know if she reduces her meds. We have to get this over with and not speak for quite sometime, she told her friend she literally cannot be around me without hurting me. 

 

There are so many odds and ends right now, cell phone, health insurance, car insurance, some of her stuff and her son's at my house. 

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dozaec

Well I guess that is all she wrote. I am having the papers signed and notarized this week and given to her for her to do the same. I'm going to have her submit the papers, I hope that doesn't turn into a fight. She wants these papers in.

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brassmonkey

I'm really sorry to hear that.

 

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{MAN HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

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dozaec

I was hoping for a miracle and found nothing. At least my therapist is encouraging me to write to her psychiatrist and therapist regarding how she has acted. I wrote a 7 page letter, it's quite voluminous but recounts our relationship. 

 

He is very certain she has a personality disorder or something akin to that. 

 

At least when she is more stable her psychiatrist wants to lower her dosage.

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AnotherAnon

I was hoping for a miracle and found nothing. At least my therapist is encouraging me to write to her psychiatrist and therapist regarding how she has acted. I wrote a 7 page letter, it's quite voluminous but recounts our relationship. 

 

He is very certain she has a personality disorder or something akin to that. 

 

At least when she is more stable her psychiatrist wants to lower her dosage.

 

Dozaec, a personality disorder is also becoming the train of thought regarding my SO. There is very much a parallel between bipolar and borderline personality disorder. I am thinking that a lot people are misdiagnosed as bipolar and then treated with meds  - and it doesn't work. The main difference is that bipolar is chemical, BPD is developmental and requires therapy (CBT, DBT). The cycling with BPD is much more frequent and short lived than bipolar disorder. Of course, the psychiatrist will almost always see bipolar disorder where a psychologist will be more prone to see BPD. The symptoms are largely all the same. 

 

And then again, you can have both in differing proportions. 

 

Because of this we are moving away from the psychiatrist to a therapist this week.

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dozaec

Good luck AnotherAnon! At least your SO is talking with you.

 

My texted me yesterday about what someone told her I said, I don't even know who she will not divulge. It was my words twisted to make me look like I was bad mouthing her but I think I ironed it over. I'm not sure why she even cares what I think, she was very concerned about what I thought about her as a mom, saying I should know better, and that I am allowed to vent (allowed??) if it helps me. She asked me not to hold everything she has done against her. I told her I try not to hold much against her I know she was in a dark place. 

 

Her response "You can hold some things against me I know. Lol"

 

The entire conversation was condescending. I addressed that and she said she was "So sorry!!!! I know how it feels, it's not funny." then gave me a peptalk on how to get through this.

 

She wanted to know how I was doing then when I told her my issues outside of this her response "That sucks, I'm sorry."

 

Wow.. no compassion, nothing. Something is wrong with her, my wife is not in there. 

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AnotherAnon

Good luck AnotherAnon! At least your SO is talking with you.

 

My texted me yesterday about what someone told her I said, I don't even know who she will not divulge. It was my words twisted to make me look like I was bad mouthing her but I think I ironed it over. I'm not sure why she even cares what I think, she was very concerned about what I thought about her as a mom, saying I should know better, and that I am allowed to vent (allowed??) if it helps me. She asked me not to hold everything she has done against her. I told her I try not to hold much against her I know she was in a dark place. 

 

Her response "You can hold some things against me I know. Lol"

 

The entire conversation was condescending. I addressed that and she said she was "So sorry!!!! I know how it feels, it's not funny." then gave me a peptalk on how to get through this.

 

She wanted to know how I was doing then when I told her my issues outside of this her response "That sucks, I'm sorry."

 

Wow.. no compassion, nothing. Something is wrong with her, my wife is not in there. 

 

Delusional it would seem. Like you said, not herself and really only sympathetic towards her own issues. Unable to recognize or sympathize with everyone else's issues, even if she'd struggled through the same ****. I spent a few days with my parents the last week and it was amazing to be able to get some sleep, I actually felt calmer after a little while. But I went to visit her at home and when I came back my mom said "wow, you're really anxious after you've seen her". And I was. I guess distance really takes a huge edge off. 

 

If it's possible try to get a 2nd opinion. Ask about personality disorders vs mood disorders. 

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dozaec

Well apparently she does care about me. After a very weird weekend where she chided me again for the same thing I think we started to smooth things out about that. I can't tell if she cares what I think or not, why bother yelling at me if she didn't care? I know she's upset her best friend ditched her but I tried to explain to him she is depressed and lashes out without really knowing why, but he says she chooses not to control that and what she did during this whole ordeal has made him not want to hangout with her anymore.

 

There were some random casual texts to each other about what we were doing, more... normal'ish but not a lot. Lots of periods of long silence. Texted about what to do with the phones and insurance and what not. Later that night she was asking me about the bus cost and told me walked 3 miles to a gaming store, I responded a little late but she said it's beautiful out! I responded a bit and later that night about a game at an arcade bar that was finally fixed we wanted to play. 

 

She responded with a few texts again later that night. Next day I apologized for blathering I was so bored wingmanning for my friend I needed to talk to someone intelligent. She responded next day "oh it's fine! lol" . Then I texted her about a chest of drawers for her son that neighbors were throwing out but she took like 4 hours to respond and it was gone. Later that night my good friend told me a secret she kept from me, and only me, for years. I was so upset what happened to her and she kept that to me for so long, fearing I would not think it's a huge deal, I texted my exwife again about it. 

 

She actually called me and was maybe sympathetic? She said she missed our friends and I couldn't tell if she was about to cry, tired or trying to be apathetic sounding? She had to dart to work though, i thanked her after, said some stuff maybe I shouldn't have, like I feel people keep things from me for some reason (not aimed at her). That I told our friends she said hi, I am actually doing better but I am upset about this and thanked her again for calling.

 

She didn't respond of course.

 

Today is when the paperwork is being submitted. Death of my marriage. I wish we could try again, I worked so hard on myself in the past few months and am beginning to realize I lost myself in our marriage at some point, losing my individuality and what she liked about me in the first place. 

 

Maybe she's doing better? She still has no feelings for me she says, which I am crushed by, but at least we are moving towards a point where we do not want to hurt each other.

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dozaec

Just an update, nothing good has really happened. We are still moving forward with the dissolution.

 

I have become very self aware of my own issues and am working on those in therapy.

 

My ex has been texting me and actually being nice. She invited me to grab a beer and see her son last week but I had an eye Dr. appt. Two days ago she was telling me she was bored, alone and had no roommates and nothing to do, asking me what I was up to, fishing for me to ask her to do something. She keeps talking to me then goes silent for days, then talks to me then goes silent. I don't get it.

 

They tried to cut her meds by 50mg! Holy crap, she went into withdrawal she said and had a bad few days. I offered her my ear to talk to when she is like that but she didn't seem too interested. Anyway she wants to reduce her meds still, so maybe in a few months she'll be back to her normal self.

 

Too bad in a few months we will be officially divorced... I am so sad, I cry daily. 

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dewayne76

First and foremost, Brassmonkey, a name I hadn't seen in quite a while. Can not place "where" exactly at this moment, but I do remember that name. Good to see you again. I'm sure it's the same person from another site. :)

OP. Man, well let me say this... I had to skip. I read so much and I just couldn't keep reading. Your story... wow man, your story resonates SO FKIN STRAIGHT in with me and mine. So, let me say a few things, may be scattered from the timeline... but these are the things that are sticking in my short memory at the moment.

1. Two people. Absolutely! Do not... do NOT think for a second, that she's not battling a separate identity. Anyone saying otherwise, don't know their butt from a hole in the ground. TRUST ME! It's someone else 'in there'. 
 

2. Usually, in what I've seen and experienced, that 'other person'? Yeah, she's gonna win. So what's that mean? 

3. Well, it means that you have a few decisions to make. One of the last things I saw were "papers" being mentioned. Let me say this first... if you have kids, YOU NEED to stop and think about your sitch and if you need to try to fight for full custody. Go to court, tell the judge what's going on. Present your evidence and your witnesses if you need to. If you're lucky, he may swing things your way. I believe the fight for custody from an 'ill' mother is turning tides. You may get lucky... and even if not, it's probably worth the shot seeing as to how your SO is truly dangerous at the moment. 

4. "Unhealthy Relationship" I saw that from someone else. Ignore that. Listen to yourself. Listen to your heart. On one hand, "if it were you, wouldn't you want your SO to wait for you to get better?" But on the other hand, I know now "it usually won't matter. if you're gone when she 'wakes up' to her old self, it'll be up to you to decide how you proceed anyways". 

5. Still on the relationship. You need to decide if fighting is what you need.. yes. I said NEED... not want. It just MAY be time to listen to your head, just a little bit more than your heart. YOU are number one... NOT HER! Take care of number one. If there's kids, perhaps it IS time to just accept what is, and what your options are. If they include the SO, they're not options. Not at this time. 

Let me tell you bro. I've been there, and still there now. I'm moving on, I'm moving forward and now? Too much has happened. What I felt two years ago... is no longer the same. I do not wish for my WIFE to come back, but my FRIEND! I can never marry her.. at least I don't think so. not again and not after this. It's not too hard to keep moving forward if you truly want it. I went suicidal, daughter kept me alive. I went ballistic and wanting revenge, daughter kept me out of trouble. Then... suddenly, one day I just woke up and realized "Hey, I'm going to be ok" and I started moving forward. I'm with a roommate now, and if my head gets clear, I think we're going to try for a relationship. 

I think, and say, at this point, it should be all about you. BUT, if you think it's worth fighting for, at least think about maybe waiting out a while. Like, two years. Yes, years. Not weeks, not months. But YEARS! Because after taking care of #1 for that amount of time, I promise you, your outlook will be different. Better even. Sure, we all miss our best friends... but we will live on. We will move on. And we can live happily after this. 

Good luck to you. Sorry so long. Just got back and got mouthy, lol. 

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dewayne76

OP, if you're on a computer. Turn everything off. Shut everything out. Lights out. And watch this video. LISTEN to this video. 

Hit replay about 4 times.... let it truly sink in in what he's saying. It will apply to you. I have faith. 

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brassmonkey

Hey Dewayne--  same monkey different site.  It's good to hear that things are coming back together for you, it's been a tough few years.  Keep hanging in there.

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dewayne76

Absolutely. Been tough. Still tough, but, I no longer let fear control me. Like that song I posted. 

It's incredibly, insanely crazy how much things can get better, once you realize fear is 90% your problem and keeping you from 'moving on'. 

Been a few signs lately that my now ex wife, ex best friend is still yet smoothing out a bit. No where near the monster that Citalopram created, but still disillusioned to everything that's going on. Can't afford squat, new hubby is 11 years younger, refuses to get a better job than 12 hours a week at a movie theater. And she still thinks everything's "just fine". So much more to it but, yeah, life is going MUCH better for me, than it is her. I think she does see it, but is having trouble accepting / believing it. 

So how are you BM? Not to hijack, just thought I'd ask as well.  OP, keep hanging in there. Spend more time thinking about YOU and your NEW GOALS in life, rather than the past. That's a good place to start. Goals. 

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dozaec

Hey thanks dewayne76, that is good advice.

 

I am working on myself, my therapist uncovered a sort of toxic behavior I have exhibited in relationships that make it nearly impossible for me to remain with me, that is being an emotional chameleon, where I change myself to who I think my partner wants me to be. From there I do everything to preserve that, including not arguin, opening up, etc... 

 

Not that I blame myself for what happened between me and my ex, but I can see a much clearer picture about who I am, or, rather, am not. I need to find myself again.

 

I miss her dearly but know that she needs to be the one to reach out if she wants to see me or talk to me. 

 

I would give a lot to go back in time with what I know now about myself now. That isn't realistic but the notion is still with me; I love her still and thought we could conquer anything together.

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dozaec

Nothing too new. The paperwork has been completed.

 

My ex and I hungout when I gave her the final papers. The day after she came over to play board games, she was staring at me strangely. 

 

She is trying to reduce her meds but cannot handle it right now, her life is too stressful apparently. Unfortunately, we are over I believe. We talked about my issues and how I was like, she agreed with me. She told me she too had her issues. She has her "boys" including one I highly dislike. She isn't dating really, trying to right herself and neither am I. She seems almost glad I am not dating but who knows, she is difficult to read. 

 

It's been a hard journey, my therapist said I am difficult to love because I cannot be myself, express my needs, etc... That hurt deeply and brought up immense guilt. 

 

Knowing my wife is trying to reduce her meds but cannot is also hard to deal with, she treats me better when her dosages are lowered. 

 

Now she asks to hangout every now and again. We haven't since we gamed, our schedules do not match up well. Maybe someday she'll reduce her meds and feel for me again, if that is even the issue. Who knows...

 

I'm about ready to give up trying to even contact her, I don't think I'll ever get a second chance. 

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mylifeisback

This truly takes time ( a lot of time, years).

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