success ☼ Katamari My story and progress so far after quitting venlafaxine

[alenka9]

No offence taken. Just want to encourage people to consider the possibility that chronic mercury poisoning may be the source of their problems. When I started following this subject on FB less than two years ago we were 3000 in a group and now we are 12000, with numerous examples of people who got better with chelation, myself included!

 

Hope the wave passes quickly!

 

Sending you hope and good vibes,

 

Alenka

[dowdaller]

I getting really *annoyed. Please forgive me. 

 

Since I noticed that I'm hitting a wave, it's been like a bad spell was put on me. Like bad luck is following me and a lot of things goes wrong. I guess it's just psychological and I'm biased, but add some low energy levels, full time anxiety and a flu that doesn't go away and I'm like a bear which has been shot in the ass. It is so freaking hard to go to work and of course now I've got workdays more than usual. 

 

I'm just wondering what the hell is it in this healing process THAT IT MUST MAKE LIFE REGULARLY SO *VERY HARD?!  

 I feel the same just keep going, I read your thread you had a good window not so long ago, another one will be around soon.

[Katamari]

I never thought this could get this ugly after months of being almost symptom-free. The last two days were good and I thought I'd surfed that awful wave, but today after some serious discussions with my partner, where old wounds are being ripped open again, I find myself being anxious and hopeless. For the first time, I see my condition as a real threat to my relationships. The problem is my increased isolate behaviour. But I can't help it, I'm feeling awful and I don't want to be around people when I'm not well. 

There is a big ball of remorse inside me, mixed with a hint of self pity and general sadness. Lots of crying wants to come out, but crying makes me feel like my chest is being ripped open. A real heartache here. 

On the other hand, my mind is clear and thinking is sharp. It's just that some kind of emotional thunderstorm is messing with my system.

[bubble]

I'm sorry that things are still hard for you. I think we can all relate to what you are describing: the tendency to isolate, damage it does to our relationships... These are just some more things we have to learn to accept.

 

I keep telling myself it's temporary and people worth keeping will understand and I will nurture my relationships back to health once I feel better. But it's taking its toll especially on intimate relationships where my husband is going through things with me.

 

It also seems you are going through some intense emotional experiences. Drugs keep us numb and once they are off so many emotionally charged and deep experiences start coming out. I'm always told to let them out instead of trying to supress them. Maybe a good cry will help even if you feel your chest is tearing apart.

 

When I feel very vulnerable I listen to the you tube videos by Mooji that Shep introduced me to. I find it very comforting. I can suggest some if you want to.

 

Take care.

[Katamari]

Phew, I survived once again. Physical anxiety stopped soon after my last post and my long lost appetite returned. There is still some kind of negativity going on in my head, but it is bearable and I'm working on it. It's just that negative thinking is like a slippery slope to a spiral of depressive thoughts and looping, so I need to be very careful. But unfortunately, I often find myself thinking all the injustice in our world caused by humans, then despising the whole human race. I keep worrying population growth, mass extinction, migration of peoples, war... Are these common thoughts for people at my age, is this withdrawal, or is it just me? Is my own life too easy? Am I becoming cynical?

Dear comrades, how do you deal with these thoughts?

I wonder if there is a window coming, where everything is being upside down again. 
  


 

[dowdaller]

Glad to hear you have stabilised, I have had a similar experience over the last few months, I am not wearing a party hat or letting off streamers, but I am a bit better, so i am thankful, I try to use mindulness to help with any intrusive thoughts. Wishing you healing too, comrade

[Katamari]

A little update, perhaps?

Everyday I ask myself how I'm doing and is there any symptoms present at the moment. Then I'm like "nope, nothing" and now it has been two months like that. But then, I watched a movie called Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind and when watching the end credits, I noticed a change for the worse. That very familiar hollow feeling was there again. Either it is a wave or a PMS thing. But anyway, nothing extreme is happening, just some negativity and emotional sensitivity.

It is funny how you think about the withdrawal daily, even when there are no symptoms to remind about it. It's an old habit. Therefore I've been thinking the withdrawal a lot but from a very neutral perspective. I've been thinking how to explain all this to someone who has never experienced it. I've come up with the idea of mind being like an office, where files are my emotions. The files are in a good order, the ones you need daily are close to the desk and the most unusual emotions are piling dust somewhere in the utmost shelf.  Then in a difficult situation in life, you get tired of managing your own emotions, get stuck in the self pity and sadness files and you decide to get help.

Antidepressants are like a scumbag assistant who will help you shape up by narrowing your use of the files into those that are closest to the desk. The everyday stuff, the most essential ones. Emotions like excitement, anger, disappointment, arousal, etc are too strong so we are putting those aside. If there is an error in one of your files, like one in your self-assurance -file, that too is put aside, because, you know, it makes things complicated so let's just hide it somewhere.
 
Eventually you get sick of the scumbag assistant called venlafaxine for dulling down your life and you ask it to leave. It leaves, but on the way out it flips out and goes full rampage, making a mess of your office. It theatrically throws your files and papers from the desk and shelves and completely messes up your office. You feel like a mess, because your emotions are in a pile of mess. Situations in you life require emotions, but you'll never know what you'll get. You spill your coffee on the table and you know that mild irritation would be suitable reaction to that, but instead you get full rage. It's close but not close enough.

So, you need to start organizing your files back in order. It takes time, because you have to go through every single file there is, even those dusty ones that include terror, mania... Emotions you forgot you even had! Every now and then you get frustrated and think you'll never get it done. But slowly it gets more and more organized, until it's done. And the positive thing is that your brain does this organizing for you, it keeps going even if you wanted to give up. All you can do is treat your brain well so it has the resources to keep going.

Lol, I don't know if you can relate to that at all, but that's how I imagine it and it kinda amuses me. 

[Flowers]

I can certainly relate to this and thought you have described WD perfectly! Well done!

 

I really hope that all our files are back in order soon.

 

Best Wishes

 

Flowers xxx

[scallywag]

Katamari -- nice to hear from you and to hear that you're continuing to do well.

 

I love the analogy comparing antidepressants to a "scumbag assistant."

[Katamari]

Anyone else here experiencing self-loathing?  Today I'm having a hard time tolerating myself. I'm fed up with all the never ending pile of mental problems. One of them is my sexuality, or lack of it actually. When on meds, I acknowledged that they may cause sexual dysfunction, which they did, and I accepted it. I never felt I was missing anything, so therefore I did not suffer from it.  During withdrawaI I had numerous symptoms that kept me busy and sexual dysfunction was not one of them. Until today...

It sorta came up after a very serious discussion with my partner about the future of our relationship. It shook me and I've been upset since. Sex was one of the issues. There is sex, often. But I'm not participating enough. There are no lust. Sex is boring. I know these are common problems for those couples with long history, like us, but it is very difficult for me to magically summon some kind of lasciviousness just like that. I have to admit, that since I've been on antidepressants before my sexual life even started, therefore the last time I've felt arousal was somewhere in my early teens, when I was about 14 years old. And now I'm 27 years old sterilized-like woman. I can't believe what a mess this is. 

I'm so, so angry about the fact that they prescribe antidepressants for moody teenagers and mess with their mental growth as well as their sexual development. Those drugs have ruined my early adulthood. What if they have treated me with some kind of therapy and no drugs? I'd say I've come a long way with this withdrawal thing and I'm feeling relatively normal, but what is left is that I have no idea who I am anymore. 

I'm 100% positive, that these antidepressants will be seen as crazy treatment as lobotomy is nowadays. This is absolutely reckless. 

[ChessieCat]

Here is the link to an SA topic:  Shame, Guilt, Regret and Self-Criticism

[Katamari]

ChessieCat, thanks! I don't quite see the connection here but it doesn't hurt to take a look at that topic. 

Or are you saying that I'm having a wave that I don't recognize because it has morphed into a form of neuro-emotions I've never had before..?  Just like dozen times before!

Yeah, I know this is a wave, but PSSD is a real problem when you think about it. Of course, there is nothing I can do but wait and see if it gets better someday. 

Self-loathing is very bad stuff. It kinda ruins your whole day.

 

At least I'm still alive. *sigh*

[Katamari]

I just noticed I've got myself into emotional numbness, mixed with a hint of depersonalization. It's quite terrible to be honest. This withdrawal thing is like the weirdest journey a person can experience.

Even though I don't seem to get any excitement or satisfaction from anything, I'm still able to experience anxiety, sadness, doom and other unpleasant emotions. I guess there is no need to say what future looks like with these attributes... 

I guess it's time to live my life on auto pilot for some time. I would never have believed that it could get this bad after two years and three months of being off meds!

[Madeleine]

I've been reading about emotions/moods, so I thought I'd share.  Our thoughts can influence our emotions. So, it's important, to make ourselves think positive thoughts, even if it's difficult. I know in withdrawal it's not possible to always control everything, but thinking positive thoughts can hopefully lift your mood a bit. 

[powerback]

I just noticed I've got myself into emotional numbness, mixed with a hint of depersonalization. It's quite terrible to be honest. This withdrawal thing is like the weirdest journey a person can experience.

 

Even though I don't seem to get any excitement or satisfaction from anything, I'm still able to experience anxiety, sadness, doom and other unpleasant emotions. I guess there is no need to say what future looks like with these attributes... 

 

I guess it's time to live my life on auto pilot for some time. I would never have believed that it could get this bad after two years and three months of being off meds!

.

Hi katamari,i feel your pain so much, never forget u not alone in this ,if u can find any comfort in this . I totally agree with this being the weirdest experience /disgusting I think also .

I'm on week two of only 2 tiny beads out of 37.5 venlafaxine and my brain is absolutely all over the place.

 

 I have built up loads of coping mechanisms and they really help me ,like not loosing the plot ,I was up early yesterday and walking amongst the public, it can be tough, my emotions and irritability  very strong ,so through mindfulness I've learned to not listen to these

nasty thoughts that come into my head .early morning is the worst for this, so I've learned the first few hours in the morning to just plod through like a robot and it dissipates some what as the day goes on .

 

I really recommend mindfulness if u haven't all ready .

 

I really agree with madeleine about thoughts and emotions and they are so powerful. A therapist told me ide the strongest  self critic they had come across ,and I found this very interesting ,it correlates with my history of people telling me negative things through my childhood .in withdrawal this critic has been absolutely on over drive telling me negative things.I believe these drugs make the majority worse and history will show the suffering we have gone through as a disgrace .

 

Take care and lots of respect .

[powerback]

Also katamari ,i find the depersonalization/derealisation the most horrible and uncomfortable symptom to cope with ,its extremely strange ,but I find sticking to a routine and doing the normal things I life anyway helps somewhat .

Not to say all the other symptoms we have to cope with aren't a pain also  .

RESPECT .

[Katamari]

Thank you for your replies!

Madeleine, it is true what you're saying. I think I'm doing completely fine under these circumstances, it's just that my mind is like a flowerbed and those bad thoughts and emotions are weed that keeps coming no matter what I do. Even though I push them aside, they keep popping up multiple times a day. Beautiful flowers aren't growing yet, they may be vegetating... 

 

My thought process is like: 
*depressing emotion appears*
me: Is there something wrong? Scanning... Nope, everything is fine, this emotion is irrelevant. Ignore.
Three hours later:
*frightening emotion appears, with a hint of anxiety*
me: What is it again, there is nothing wrong here, shut up brain! ..........or is there? Scanning... Nope. All good. Ignore.

And this keeps going on and on.

Powerback: I do remember what it was like when mornings were difficult and irritation is very familiar too. But the good news is that those are going to pass rather quickly! Especially because you've find ways to cope with them. 
What you said about self-criticism is also true. In my culture, it is common that parents won't compliment or encourage their children much, fearing that it would make them arrogant. Also showing positive feelings, like hugging, towards family members is something you did not see, ever. That's why it is my job to learn how to encourage myself, because otherwise there may be times when there are no-one else to do that. And when you think about it, if I'm going to spend 60 more years on this planet, it would be nicer if there wasn't someone always criticizing everything I do. I'm 100% sure sure that I'm getting happier and more self-confident as I mature.

I've said this here before already, but I still do appreciate myself for going through this withdrawal craziness. I'm doing extremely well, living my life normally and all. I've gone through this without any outsider noticing a thing. It's just that for couple of months things have been either diluted or bad and that is affecting my quality of life, no matter how I put it. Add some depersonalization there and I can assure you, this is not what human living is supposed to be.

But since all I can do is wait for better times, I'm going out to gather some more "meh" moments in my life. And keep browsing funny cat memes! Whatever keeps one going...

[powerback]

Thank you for your replies!

Madeleine, it is true what you're saying. I think I'm doing completely fine under these circumstances, it's just that my mind is like a flowerbed and those bad thoughts and emotions are weed that keeps coming no matter what I do. Even though I push them aside, they keep popping up multiple times a day. Beautiful flowers aren't growing yet, they may be vegetating... 

 

My thought process is like: 

*depressing emotion appears*

me: Is there something wrong? Scanning... Nope, everything is fine, this emotion is irrelevant. Ignore.

Three hours later:

*frightening emotion appears, with a hint of anxiety*

me: What is it again, there is nothing wrong here, shut up brain! ..........or is there? Scanning... Nope. All good. Ignore.

And this keeps going on and on.

Powerback: I do remember what it was like when mornings were difficult and irritation is very familiar too. But the good news is that those are going to pass rather quickly! Especially because you've find ways to cope with them. 

What you said about self-criticism is also true. In my culture, it is common that parents won't compliment or encourage their children much, fearing that it would make them arrogant. Also showing positive feelings, like hugging, towards family members is something you did not see, ever. That's why it is my job to learn how to encourage myself, because otherwise there may be times when there are no-one else to do that. And when you think about it, if I'm going to spend 60 more years on this planet, it would be nicer if there wasn't someone always criticizing everything I do. I'm 100% sure sure that I'm getting happier and more self-confident as I mature.

I've said this here before already, but I still do appreciate myself for going through this withdrawal craziness. I'm doing extremely well, living my life normally and all. I've gone through this without any outsider noticing a thing. It's just that for couple of months things have been either diluted or bad and that is affecting my quality of life, no matter how I put it. Add some depersonalization there and I can assure you, this is not what human living is supposed to be.

But since all I can do is wait for better times, I'm going out to gather some more "meh" moments in my life. And keep browsing funny cat memes! Whatever keeps one going...

Good for you know one noticing,i cant say the same I've lost a good friend and my relationship is in doubt because of anhedonia and depersonalization.i can't panic tho because I'm doing my best to keep myself well and healthy.

Totally​ agree with waiting for better times ,is a must.

[Katamari]

Few days ago I found a box of venlafaxines in my kitchen. I looked at those half yellow - half see trough capsules filled with tiny tablets... And I remembered how I used to eat those every day. Twice a day, actually. Prescription sticker on the box had my name and words "for depression". 
I started to imagine what my life would be nowadays if I had kept eating them. I think I would have gone downhill eventually. Even though everything was fine in my life, deep down I knew something very essential was missing. I felt they blocked my personal growth and that is a very bad thing when you are in your twenties.  I wonder if the poopout effect is just a result of years living medicated and feeling numb all the time? What if it's just different kind of depression because of that? It is so unnatural no wonder that it crashes eventually. 

I'm doing fine at the moment. That depersonalization stopped after I found a huge corrosive problem in my close relationship. So in this case my stress was there for a reason, I just couldn't pinpoint that and therefore thought it was just withdrawal. After that being solved, depersonalization disappeared. 

Nowadays my waves are so mild that I can't tell the difference between those and normal bad days. I have no idea if my symptoms are related to withdrawal, hormones, bad diet, SAD or what. Fatigue for example, I don't know if it's still withdrawal or just a result of being in crazy withdrawal for over two years. I've never had this before, being this tired is new to me. 

It is very encouraging to notice that I can go through difficult situations and handle them well, without any medication.

[Katamari]

Oh boy, this ride never ends. I've got crippling anxiety. Again. 

I'm so anxious, that I'm unable to leave my home. I get anxious at the very second I wake up in the morning. I have no appetite. Social gatherings are torture, because I can't follow a conversation and I feel like bursting into tears at any minute. 

I'm having a hard time believing this is just a wave. Please tell me this is just a wave!

[dj2010]

it might be worth asking your doctor if they can put you on a CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) course to help deal with your anxiety, 

[Katamari]

A friendly SA member messaged me and asked how I was doing, so I think it is time for a little update. 

The anxiety I had during my last post soon turned into "I forgot I had discontinuation syndrome" kind of phase. It means that there are no symptoms at all (or so minor that I don't notice them). That's why I've been busy doing all kinds of stuff. It is truly wonderful to be excited about things again! The medicated version of me was interested in video games or other escapist activities. Just doing nothing and wasting my time was also good enough. 

Other interesting note I made is that those meds completely killed my interest in my physical appearance, clothes and make-up and stuff like that. Just recently I've got that spark back again. I used to hate shopping, now I enjoy it!  

As I've got more outgoing, I've also noticed that all those years of solitary lifestyle has definitely damaged my social skills. Good manners and consideration takes you a long way, but getting into deeper connection is impossible. I have no idea how to initiate friendship. I get the feeling that most people feel uncomfortable around me and I often end up being left alone, which hurts me and makes things even more difficult.  I guess I hide my insecurity behind coolness that looks like arrogance to others. I don't know really. This picture pretty much sums up my life:


Anyway, despite my social problems I'm happiest I've ever been since adolescence. I think I'm ready to write a success story soon, but before that I want to see some more symptomless months. Until then, I hope this post brings encouragement among those who still struggle. I'm happy to answer any questions you might have. 

 

[bhasski]

It feels very good to see someone recover. I am being selfish here because such things only motivate me to continue my journey of recovery after CTed many drugs.

 

Wish you recover soon and I will able to see a success story. 

[littleball]

Hi Katamari, 

How about your sexual life? Did it come back? I am 25 and sex was always a issue for me. You said that the last memory of getting aroused dates back to your 14 years old. Mine is from about 3-4 years ago, before taking the meds, but I used to have issues with my former boyfriend, so I've never been able to enjoy sex really. Now I have a new bf who I love, but there is no adequate sexual response still. I am in WD from Effexor (7 months off), but I am taking a small amount of Prozac to cope with it. 
You say you're symptomless, therefore I am asking.

[Katamari]

Hi there littleball,

I still haven't experienced arousal when I'm awake. I think it has something to do with my personality in general, maybe I am too self-aware or insecure or something that I just don't know how to "let go" and that keeps me from getting aroused. Sometimes I get aroused in my sleep which I think proofs that my body is perfectly capable but the "problem" is in my head. 
I was already medicated when I started my sex life, also there were these different contraceptives, so no wonder my sexual life was all messed up. I think AD's  interrupted my psychological growth, including sexuality. Now there is just some catching up to do. Luckily sex is so much more than just orgasms, and that's why my sexual life is still satisfying.

I am 99.99999% sure your sexual response will come back eventually. You are at the early stage of withdrawal. Good luck!
 

[Altostrata]

Katamari's success story is here 

As is our custom, I'm going to lock this topic. Please congratulate Katamari in her success story topic.