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Rosie20yearsago


Rosie20yearsago

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Personally, I don't think I could or would want to give up my morning cappuccino. It's one of the few joys, left, and I don't think it makes a difference.  My husband brings me one every morning, and it's a "ritual", whether I have slept or not, it's the start of the day.   I love it too, with "frothy milk & cinnamon".

 I try to limit the coffee, to 1 or 2, before midday, and that's it.

 

 You take care too,   Ali.

Many SSRI's and SSNRI's over 20 years. Zoloft for 7 years followed by Effexor, Lexapro, Prozac, Cymbalta, Celexa, Pristiq, Valdoxan, Mianserin and more - on and off. No tapering. Cold turkey off Valdoxan - end of May 2014

 

                                                  Psych Drug - free since May 2014
.
         

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That is very sweet! My husband does too! And yes, it is a big pleasure, so I am actually hoping it won't help. I have tried it before the odd time while I was still on meds and it made no difference.

I hope you start sleeping again soon! Have you tried eye masks? I found it really helped me because of light sensitivity. But I have rarely really had insomnia, at least not for a while night. It must be very frustrating!

I was kept up yesterday for a couple of hours after my husband and I watched Homeland. It is super stressful...Will not watch that again for a while.

<p>Became depressed and anxious after persistent bulliying at school. started with fluoxetine 20 years ago(1995), when I was 21, was changed to seroxat(citalopram) 20 mg after a couple of years or so because of side effects. This enabled me to get through university and beyond but whenever I tried to stop, usually tapering, I never got past one year off meds. This time I stopped around Christmas 2014. I did taper but very fast I guess, from 40 to 30 to 20, then 10, then 5(I think), over a few months. I cannot remember precisely. I stopped while moving from the Netherland to Holland so am no longer under any medical supervision. However I am trying a reinstatement; I tried 1mg from the 29th of June for ten days, 2 mg from the 11 th July 2015, 1.8mg from 10th Aug, 1.6mg from 16th Sept.

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That is very sweet! My husband does too! And yes, it is a big pleasure, so I am actually hoping it won't help. I have tried it before the odd time while I was still on meds and it made no difference.

I hope you start sleeping again soon! Have you tried eye masks? I found it really helped me because of light sensitivity. But I have rarely really had insomnia, at least not for a while night. It must be very frustrating!

I was kept up yesterday for a couple of hours after my husband and I watched Homeland. It is super stressful...Will not watch that again for a while.

<p>Became depressed and anxious after persistent bulliying at school. started with fluoxetine 20 years ago(1995), when I was 21, was changed to seroxat(citalopram) 20 mg after a couple of years or so because of side effects. This enabled me to get through university and beyond but whenever I tried to stop, usually tapering, I never got past one year off meds. This time I stopped around Christmas 2014. I did taper but very fast I guess, from 40 to 30 to 20, then 10, then 5(I think), over a few months. I cannot remember precisely. I stopped while moving from the Netherland to Holland so am no longer under any medical supervision. However I am trying a reinstatement; I tried 1mg from the 29th of June for ten days, 2 mg from the 11 th July 2015, 1.8mg from 10th Aug, 1.6mg from 16th Sept.

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i have noticed another possible symptom just in the last week or so, which I have read about other people having: intermittently my hands have become strangely weak and I have been unable to open lids or unscrew things. And a bit of handshaking. Not so bad. I often had handshaking while I was on citalopram.

<p>Became depressed and anxious after persistent bulliying at school. started with fluoxetine 20 years ago(1995), when I was 21, was changed to seroxat(citalopram) 20 mg after a couple of years or so because of side effects. This enabled me to get through university and beyond but whenever I tried to stop, usually tapering, I never got past one year off meds. This time I stopped around Christmas 2014. I did taper but very fast I guess, from 40 to 30 to 20, then 10, then 5(I think), over a few months. I cannot remember precisely. I stopped while moving from the Netherland to Holland so am no longer under any medical supervision. However I am trying a reinstatement; I tried 1mg from the 29th of June for ten days, 2 mg from the 11 th July 2015, 1.8mg from 10th Aug, 1.6mg from 16th Sept.

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More tingling in my hands, a little in feet occasionally, feeling anxious. Otherwise not too bad, can cope better with feeling anxious than depressed...

<p>Became depressed and anxious after persistent bulliying at school. started with fluoxetine 20 years ago(1995), when I was 21, was changed to seroxat(citalopram) 20 mg after a couple of years or so because of side effects. This enabled me to get through university and beyond but whenever I tried to stop, usually tapering, I never got past one year off meds. This time I stopped around Christmas 2014. I did taper but very fast I guess, from 40 to 30 to 20, then 10, then 5(I think), over a few months. I cannot remember precisely. I stopped while moving from the Netherland to Holland so am no longer under any medical supervision. However I am trying a reinstatement; I tried 1mg from the 29th of June for ten days, 2 mg from the 11 th July 2015, 1.8mg from 10th Aug, 1.6mg from 16th Sept.

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HI Mikey,

Just answered your question as you wrote it! Yes I am near Liverpool on the Wirral. I saw that you were in South Wales. Nice place to be. Not that I have been to Bridge End. My aunt and uncle live near Lampeter, in the middle of nowhere.

<p>Became depressed and anxious after persistent bulliying at school. started with fluoxetine 20 years ago(1995), when I was 21, was changed to seroxat(citalopram) 20 mg after a couple of years or so because of side effects. This enabled me to get through university and beyond but whenever I tried to stop, usually tapering, I never got past one year off meds. This time I stopped around Christmas 2014. I did taper but very fast I guess, from 40 to 30 to 20, then 10, then 5(I think), over a few months. I cannot remember precisely. I stopped while moving from the Netherland to Holland so am no longer under any medical supervision. However I am trying a reinstatement; I tried 1mg from the 29th of June for ten days, 2 mg from the 11 th July 2015, 1.8mg from 10th Aug, 1.6mg from 16th Sept.

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Yes i get the tingling in my hands and feet too , ive been ok the last few nights but this evening has been hard its horid how it just comes over you strong all of a sudden isnt it anyway you takecare

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 Rosie, Thank you for the lovely words of encouragement & support , on my thread. 

The tingling in hands, feet etc seems to be common withdrawal symptoms, although having said that, it can be painful. I get burning legs at night, particularly, when I have insomnia. It's "torturous" !!   One thing I have found useful for both symptoms, is magnesium. 

 

I hope your symptoms improve , very soon.  Hugs,  Ali.

Many SSRI's and SSNRI's over 20 years. Zoloft for 7 years followed by Effexor, Lexapro, Prozac, Cymbalta, Celexa, Pristiq, Valdoxan, Mianserin and more - on and off. No tapering. Cold turkey off Valdoxan - end of May 2014

 

                                                  Psych Drug - free since May 2014
.
         

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Thanks Ali!

The tingling is not so bad really, but it is a new symptom. I was not really expecting new symptoms. It makes me nervous in case worse things happen. My leg cramps in pregnancy were much worse. But I want to write down everything in case I forget because my memory is so bad! I realise that I am lucky in a way that my symptoms are not worse. I filled in a RxISK form last night and I am planning on writing to my doctors in Holland once I am past the year mark and I feel they might believe me. Because my main symptoms are depression and anxiety it is difficult without some faith to believe that it is not just the illness. I was astounded when my husband believed me. I have probably had more doubts than he has.

Are you feeling any better? I find it so heart breaking and shocking what people are going through. Your acceptance of your own trials is amazing I think, and I hope it helps to give you peace. Sorry btw that this turned out to be so long!!

<p>Became depressed and anxious after persistent bulliying at school. started with fluoxetine 20 years ago(1995), when I was 21, was changed to seroxat(citalopram) 20 mg after a couple of years or so because of side effects. This enabled me to get through university and beyond but whenever I tried to stop, usually tapering, I never got past one year off meds. This time I stopped around Christmas 2014. I did taper but very fast I guess, from 40 to 30 to 20, then 10, then 5(I think), over a few months. I cannot remember precisely. I stopped while moving from the Netherland to Holland so am no longer under any medical supervision. However I am trying a reinstatement; I tried 1mg from the 29th of June for ten days, 2 mg from the 11 th July 2015, 1.8mg from 10th Aug, 1.6mg from 16th Sept.

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I am leaving in a few days on holiday to visit my scattered family. I am looking forward to it! Though lots of it is a challenge. We will see our old neighbours in Amsterdam. It has been very lonely here and I can't wait to see my friends!

I do worry about my mum though. My parents live in France and we will visit them there. She has manic depression and her lithium and all her drugs have been drastically reduced because she had lithium poisoning because her levels were not being monitored properly. It was awful and she could have died. I am glad her meds have all been reduced but it was very fast. I have spoken to my dad about the possibility of withdrawal and what I think happened with my antidepressants in case this could help with mum too the first time we spoke he was very defensive and negative but the second time he seemed to have thought it over and is thinking of asking the doctors not to increase her antidepressants next time she has a depressive phase, because they tried this once and it turned out there was no improvement with them compared to without them. So I am hoping for her that she can remain on the lowest dose possible.

<p>Became depressed and anxious after persistent bulliying at school. started with fluoxetine 20 years ago(1995), when I was 21, was changed to seroxat(citalopram) 20 mg after a couple of years or so because of side effects. This enabled me to get through university and beyond but whenever I tried to stop, usually tapering, I never got past one year off meds. This time I stopped around Christmas 2014. I did taper but very fast I guess, from 40 to 30 to 20, then 10, then 5(I think), over a few months. I cannot remember precisely. I stopped while moving from the Netherland to Holland so am no longer under any medical supervision. However I am trying a reinstatement; I tried 1mg from the 29th of June for ten days, 2 mg from the 11 th July 2015, 1.8mg from 10th Aug, 1.6mg from 16th Sept.

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 I understand , Rosie. One of my "main symptoms" is depression, which is why I originally went on the drugs.  It's confusing to be sure. 

 

 Were you living in "Holland"?

 

 I know we are so trained by doctor's & media , to believe we are "inherently flawed".   It comes as a surprise , to find out  that indeed we are not & it's "the poisons" we are / were on.  How is the reinstatement going, do you think? 

 

 I'm "puddling through". Thank you for asking.  Take care of yourself.  Hugs,  Ali.

Many SSRI's and SSNRI's over 20 years. Zoloft for 7 years followed by Effexor, Lexapro, Prozac, Cymbalta, Celexa, Pristiq, Valdoxan, Mianserin and more - on and off. No tapering. Cold turkey off Valdoxan - end of May 2014

 

                                                  Psych Drug - free since May 2014
.
         

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 You were adding a post as I was answering yours.  Oh lucky you, France !   I love it there. 

 

  Enjoy your holiday, even though your Mum's not well.  I hope you can get  it sorted out.

 

  Stay well, and have fun. 

Many SSRI's and SSNRI's over 20 years. Zoloft for 7 years followed by Effexor, Lexapro, Prozac, Cymbalta, Celexa, Pristiq, Valdoxan, Mianserin and more - on and off. No tapering. Cold turkey off Valdoxan - end of May 2014

 

                                                  Psych Drug - free since May 2014
.
         

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Thanks! I lived in Holland for 7 years, where I met my husband (he is German!). I loved it there. Somehow I managed to make so many friends there. We will visit his family too and my sister who lives in Switzerland.

Are you from Australia? Am reading on my mobile so not all details there. Do you visit Europe much? France is lovely indeed! I miss the food markets, and the summer.

<p>Became depressed and anxious after persistent bulliying at school. started with fluoxetine 20 years ago(1995), when I was 21, was changed to seroxat(citalopram) 20 mg after a couple of years or so because of side effects. This enabled me to get through university and beyond but whenever I tried to stop, usually tapering, I never got past one year off meds. This time I stopped around Christmas 2014. I did taper but very fast I guess, from 40 to 30 to 20, then 10, then 5(I think), over a few months. I cannot remember precisely. I stopped while moving from the Netherland to Holland so am no longer under any medical supervision. However I am trying a reinstatement; I tried 1mg from the 29th of June for ten days, 2 mg from the 11 th July 2015, 1.8mg from 10th Aug, 1.6mg from 16th Sept.

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 Yes , I'm in Australia.  My husband and I have traveled quite a lot in Europe.  I adore France !!  The markets are to "die for". I love "markets", as I wrote about in my post, but the french do it best.   I love Switzerland, as well.  I can't wait to get back when I'm feeling better.  I used to be the one "dragging " my husband overseas ( away from work), but lately it's him trying to convince me to go.  It's not that I don't love traveling . I adore it. It's my favorite thing, but I'm unsure of how  I would be , right now.   When I'm over all this , I hope  that I get the enthusiasm back for travel. 

 

How long are you going for?  Will you keep in touch , while you're away?   I would love to hear  of your travels, and how you're going .  Hugs,  Ali.

Many SSRI's and SSNRI's over 20 years. Zoloft for 7 years followed by Effexor, Lexapro, Prozac, Cymbalta, Celexa, Pristiq, Valdoxan, Mianserin and more - on and off. No tapering. Cold turkey off Valdoxan - end of May 2014

 

                                                  Psych Drug - free since May 2014
.
         

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Hi Ali!

Thanks I will keep in touch! I should have internet a lot of the time. It will be 3 weeks. I am also curious as to how it will go. I usually am better in company. The last week I seem to have needed to sleep around lunchtime for a while and today I could not because the little one had no nursery and at two oclock I felt like a zombie and dragged myself to bed. Before then all was fine and we had a lovely picnic in the garden.

<p>Became depressed and anxious after persistent bulliying at school. started with fluoxetine 20 years ago(1995), when I was 21, was changed to seroxat(citalopram) 20 mg after a couple of years or so because of side effects. This enabled me to get through university and beyond but whenever I tried to stop, usually tapering, I never got past one year off meds. This time I stopped around Christmas 2014. I did taper but very fast I guess, from 40 to 30 to 20, then 10, then 5(I think), over a few months. I cannot remember precisely. I stopped while moving from the Netherland to Holland so am no longer under any medical supervision. However I am trying a reinstatement; I tried 1mg from the 29th of June for ten days, 2 mg from the 11 th July 2015, 1.8mg from 10th Aug, 1.6mg from 16th Sept.

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Thanks Mikey,

You take care as well! I hope you get a break too this summer! Sounds like you have been working really hard!

<p>Became depressed and anxious after persistent bulliying at school. started with fluoxetine 20 years ago(1995), when I was 21, was changed to seroxat(citalopram) 20 mg after a couple of years or so because of side effects. This enabled me to get through university and beyond but whenever I tried to stop, usually tapering, I never got past one year off meds. This time I stopped around Christmas 2014. I did taper but very fast I guess, from 40 to 30 to 20, then 10, then 5(I think), over a few months. I cannot remember precisely. I stopped while moving from the Netherland to Holland so am no longer under any medical supervision. However I am trying a reinstatement; I tried 1mg from the 29th of June for ten days, 2 mg from the 11 th July 2015, 1.8mg from 10th Aug, 1.6mg from 16th Sept.

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Just an update, i am on holiday, and have been completely fine for two days. I am in Amsterdam visiting my old friends and neighbours. It is nearly hectic but luckily not quite, seeing people nearly all the time, and it is really wonderful to be among them again. When I am alone for a moment I have a bit of a cry thinking about leaving them again and returning to our new home where I do not have friends yet and feel so alone...

<p>Became depressed and anxious after persistent bulliying at school. started with fluoxetine 20 years ago(1995), when I was 21, was changed to seroxat(citalopram) 20 mg after a couple of years or so because of side effects. This enabled me to get through university and beyond but whenever I tried to stop, usually tapering, I never got past one year off meds. This time I stopped around Christmas 2014. I did taper but very fast I guess, from 40 to 30 to 20, then 10, then 5(I think), over a few months. I cannot remember precisely. I stopped while moving from the Netherland to Holland so am no longer under any medical supervision. However I am trying a reinstatement; I tried 1mg from the 29th of June for ten days, 2 mg from the 11 th July 2015, 1.8mg from 10th Aug, 1.6mg from 16th Sept.

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Still doing fine, visiting famlly. I am not sure if I have had any symptoms; except still light sensitivity, I felt a bit scared holding my neighbours baby because I have been clumsy lately, and have been more anxious while swimming and have kept close to the edge of the lake, but apart from that I have been fine. I am thinking of tapering to 1.8 mg from tomorrow.

The other thing I am wondering is am I so fine at the moment because I am surrounded by people all the time? I am grateful for feeling better!

<p>Became depressed and anxious after persistent bulliying at school. started with fluoxetine 20 years ago(1995), when I was 21, was changed to seroxat(citalopram) 20 mg after a couple of years or so because of side effects. This enabled me to get through university and beyond but whenever I tried to stop, usually tapering, I never got past one year off meds. This time I stopped around Christmas 2014. I did taper but very fast I guess, from 40 to 30 to 20, then 10, then 5(I think), over a few months. I cannot remember precisely. I stopped while moving from the Netherland to Holland so am no longer under any medical supervision. However I am trying a reinstatement; I tried 1mg from the 29th of June for ten days, 2 mg from the 11 th July 2015, 1.8mg from 10th Aug, 1.6mg from 16th Sept.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Have been back from holiday for 2 weeks and started feeling down again two days before returning. Again very intolerant to stress, depressed, have to push myself with everything. Have started swimming to see if this will help, still doing meditation, going out walking and painting. 

I think my problem is that I cannot cope with being alone, because my self esteem is too low, and I feel guillty because of not working. It makes me wonder though if this is just low self esteem and depression because of my situation and if my withdrawal symptoms are now over. 

<p>Became depressed and anxious after persistent bulliying at school. started with fluoxetine 20 years ago(1995), when I was 21, was changed to seroxat(citalopram) 20 mg after a couple of years or so because of side effects. This enabled me to get through university and beyond but whenever I tried to stop, usually tapering, I never got past one year off meds. This time I stopped around Christmas 2014. I did taper but very fast I guess, from 40 to 30 to 20, then 10, then 5(I think), over a few months. I cannot remember precisely. I stopped while moving from the Netherland to Holland so am no longer under any medical supervision. However I am trying a reinstatement; I tried 1mg from the 29th of June for ten days, 2 mg from the 11 th July 2015, 1.8mg from 10th Aug, 1.6mg from 16th Sept.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Do you think you would feel better if you had friends where you are living now? It sounds like you felt fine when you were busy with your old friends when you were on holiday.

 

Are you on any medication now? Its a bit hard to tell from your signature.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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Hi Rosie.

 

I'm  happy you enjoyed yourself, on your holiday.   It sounds like you had fun , & enjoyed your friends.  I can understand that it would be hard to come back & that you might be feeling a little lonely.  Try not to feel guilt, if you can, particularly  while you're in withdrawal.  Be kind & gentle, with yourself.

 

Love,  Ali.

Many SSRI's and SSNRI's over 20 years. Zoloft for 7 years followed by Effexor, Lexapro, Prozac, Cymbalta, Celexa, Pristiq, Valdoxan, Mianserin and more - on and off. No tapering. Cold turkey off Valdoxan - end of May 2014

 

                                                  Psych Drug - free since May 2014
.
         

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Hi Petunia!

Yes I think perhaps I would be ok, or mostly, if I had friends, and a task or career. As soon as something is out of balance I crumble. I need to be a good mum, a productive member of society, which I have not been for 8 years, and be surrounded by friends whose convictions that I am an ok person can convince me that I am. I have been a horrible mum sometimes. I wanted to much to be a really good mum and give my kids a strong basis to stand on, but how can I do that without a basis of my own?This week though I think I have made some friends. I updated my signature, I reduced my citalopram by 10 percent in August and will probably from tomorrow. I consider it a medical trial; I will see how I do without medication for at least a year.

 

Thanks for your reply!

<p>Became depressed and anxious after persistent bulliying at school. started with fluoxetine 20 years ago(1995), when I was 21, was changed to seroxat(citalopram) 20 mg after a couple of years or so because of side effects. This enabled me to get through university and beyond but whenever I tried to stop, usually tapering, I never got past one year off meds. This time I stopped around Christmas 2014. I did taper but very fast I guess, from 40 to 30 to 20, then 10, then 5(I think), over a few months. I cannot remember precisely. I stopped while moving from the Netherland to Holland so am no longer under any medical supervision. However I am trying a reinstatement; I tried 1mg from the 29th of June for ten days, 2 mg from the 11 th July 2015, 1.8mg from 10th Aug, 1.6mg from 16th Sept.

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Hi Ali,

Thanks! I will try to be more gentle with myself. I am sorry your son is having trouble with depression, I was just reading your post. I hope he comes out of it intact! I let out recently that I wished I was dead in front of my kids, which is an awful thing to do. It is so hard to hold things in; negativity often flows out completely unasked when I fall apart and I always wish I would have kept my mouth closed. I find it hard to forgive myself. But my kids are both happy and alright for now and I tried to explain why I sometimes fall apart in the hope that it limits the damage. They are everything to me too!

But I think I made some friends in the last week, which gives me some hope!

 

Take care,

Love from Rosie

<p>Became depressed and anxious after persistent bulliying at school. started with fluoxetine 20 years ago(1995), when I was 21, was changed to seroxat(citalopram) 20 mg after a couple of years or so because of side effects. This enabled me to get through university and beyond but whenever I tried to stop, usually tapering, I never got past one year off meds. This time I stopped around Christmas 2014. I did taper but very fast I guess, from 40 to 30 to 20, then 10, then 5(I think), over a few months. I cannot remember precisely. I stopped while moving from the Netherland to Holland so am no longer under any medical supervision. However I am trying a reinstatement; I tried 1mg from the 29th of June for ten days, 2 mg from the 11 th July 2015, 1.8mg from 10th Aug, 1.6mg from 16th Sept.

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 Hang in there, Rosie.

 

 It's all good. He's fine.  Thank you.

 

You sounded really good, while you were away.  Maybe that's the key.

Many SSRI's and SSNRI's over 20 years. Zoloft for 7 years followed by Effexor, Lexapro, Prozac, Cymbalta, Celexa, Pristiq, Valdoxan, Mianserin and more - on and off. No tapering. Cold turkey off Valdoxan - end of May 2014

 

                                                  Psych Drug - free since May 2014
.
         

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The tricky thing is that unlike many people here, I was better on the antidepressants than off them. And I was a more patient mum. My tolerance for stress is so low now... Some side effects that I had have not gone away, though the inability to cry has. It is just the question as to whether it was perpetuating the depression and the need for medication. I cannot answer that question now. That is why I give myself a time frame of a year without antidepressants . Then I will reassess. And in that time try to build my life as solidly as I can.

<p>Became depressed and anxious after persistent bulliying at school. started with fluoxetine 20 years ago(1995), when I was 21, was changed to seroxat(citalopram) 20 mg after a couple of years or so because of side effects. This enabled me to get through university and beyond but whenever I tried to stop, usually tapering, I never got past one year off meds. This time I stopped around Christmas 2014. I did taper but very fast I guess, from 40 to 30 to 20, then 10, then 5(I think), over a few months. I cannot remember precisely. I stopped while moving from the Netherland to Holland so am no longer under any medical supervision. However I am trying a reinstatement; I tried 1mg from the 29th of June for ten days, 2 mg from the 11 th July 2015, 1.8mg from 10th Aug, 1.6mg from 16th Sept.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

I think that you sound very good Rosie. As far as the impatience with your kids... well parenting is the toughest job on the planet. You said "But my kids are both happy and alright for now and I tried to explain why I sometimes fall apart in the hope that it limits the damage.".....

 

I went through some very tough times as a young Mom. I lost it with my kids sometimes. But we talked about it. I was honest. They knew that I was doing my very best. They knew that I knew that sometimes I was hurtful and also they knew how sorry I was and how desperately I wanted to be a "good" Mom and also they felt my love for them. 

 

They are all grown adults: 39 yrs., 32 years and 29 years old and all are doing great. Better than me oftentimes. 

 

I continue to tell them how much I love them and how proud I am of all three of them. They are very different from one another. They are very close to one another. They are not perfect and I continue to worry about each one. But they are ok. I am ok. We are ok. I treasure each moment that I can say that and I think that it is really, really cool that you recognize those moments now and treasure them too. 

 

​Good for you. Stay on your own course of action. Stay in tune with yourself, & your feelings. Follow your motherly intuition. And stay in touch. You're doing great!!

 

RU

Fall 1995 xanax, zoloft. switched to Serzone

1996- spring 2003serzone/ xanax/ lightbox.

b]Fall 2003- Fall 2004? Lexapro 10 mg. Light box /4 mg. xanax.[/b]

2004 - Fall of 2009 10 mg Lex, 150 mg Wellbutrin XL % 4 mg xanax

November 2009- Sept. 2011 10 mg lex., 300 Well. XL, 4 mg Xanax [/b

Sept.2012- July 2012 20 mg Lex 300 Well. XL, 4 mg Xanax

My mantra " go slow & with the flow "

3/2/13.. Began equal dosing 5 Xs /day xanax, while simultaneously incorporating a 2.5 % drop ( from 3.5 mg/day to 3.4 mg/day)

4/6/13 dropped from 300 mg. Wellbutrin XL to 150 mg. Difficult but DONE! Down to 3.3 mg xanax/ day / 6/10/13 3 mg xanax/day; 7/15/2013 2.88mg xanax/day.

10/ 1/2013...... 2.5 mg xanax… ( switched to tablets again) WOO HOO!!!!!! Holding here… cont. with Lexapro.

1/ 2/2014.. tapered to 18mg ( by weight) of a 26 mg ( by weight) pill of 20 mg tab. lexapro. goal is 13mg (by weight OR 10 mg by ingredient content) and STOPPED. Feeling very down with unbalanced, unpredictable WD symptoms.

1/2/2014- ??? Taking a brain-healing break from tapering anything after actively tapering something for 1.5 years. So… daily doses as of 2/2/2014: 18 mg by weight Lex, 150 mg Well. XL, 2.5 mg xanax, down from 26 mg by weight Lex., 300 mg well. XL, 4 mg xanax in August, 2012. I'll take it. :) 5/8/14 started equivalent dose liquid./ tabs. 5/13/14 1.5 % cut.

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Thanks Areyouthere!

I really appreciated that because I am feeling sad about when I let my kids down and I worry a lot about it. I have not been on the forum for a bit, sorry for taking a while to reply. I have been ill for a few weeks with some kind of virus and it is taking ages to get better; it's putting me iin survival mode. My parents were hurting as kids I think, from their parenting, and their parents too, and so was I and my sisters. I am afraid to pass on this hurt in my turn.

I still struggle with hurt feelings with my parents especially my mother. She suffers from manic depression though that started after I left home. But she probably suffered from depression before that.

I read a lot of books by Thich NHat Hanh and he says that our parents are part of us, as are our children and if we reject them because of the hurt they have done us we reject ourselves. Somehow reconciliation must be possible, even within ourselves. I am working on that...

I think i have to accept that I have sometimes hurt them without having wanted to, and I must apologize to my kids for the mistakes I make, and perhaps explain why I make them, at least so they know it is not their fault. And I have to forgive myself as well as my parents. It is really hard! Accepting that I have passed on some of my own hurt already is hard and sad.

As you say being honest and talking about things, sounds like a good way.

<p>Became depressed and anxious after persistent bulliying at school. started with fluoxetine 20 years ago(1995), when I was 21, was changed to seroxat(citalopram) 20 mg after a couple of years or so because of side effects. This enabled me to get through university and beyond but whenever I tried to stop, usually tapering, I never got past one year off meds. This time I stopped around Christmas 2014. I did taper but very fast I guess, from 40 to 30 to 20, then 10, then 5(I think), over a few months. I cannot remember precisely. I stopped while moving from the Netherland to Holland so am no longer under any medical supervision. However I am trying a reinstatement; I tried 1mg from the 29th of June for ten days, 2 mg from the 11 th July 2015, 1.8mg from 10th Aug, 1.6mg from 16th Sept.

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  • 4 weeks later...
  • Moderator Emeritus

Hey Rosie, how are you going?

 

I hate those "post vacation blues," I had a spout of them earlier this month.

 

You asked:  

 

I was wondering anyway whether things would be noticeably better if I had no alcohol at all while I come off the citalopram.

 

Yep.  And Yep.  Alcohol is like taking a benzo, albeit a mild one.  It will slow your healing - and - many people have found that it makes withdrawal more difficult.

 

Different people have different things that react with them.  Some can have a coffee, some cannot (you will know, as the activation is awful!).  Some can have gluten or dairy, some cannot (golly I miss cheese!  and cocoa!)  But alcohol is pretty universal because of that GABA system/benzo similarity.

 

You wrote:

 

capoeira 

OMG, you can do that?  But you also report feeling drained, and difficult dreams (though good sleep!)

 

In withdrawal, you are healing your brain.  It's a major organ.  If you were healing a kidney, or from a major surgery, you might find that excess activity slows your healing.

 

It is kind of contrary to what we are taught in wellness therapy:  that exercise, lots of it, heart pumping, cardio activity is good for us.  But that may not be the case.

 

While you are having neurogenesis (rebuilding your brain) - you may need less stimulating exercise.  For example, you found your bike rides were okay - but pay attention.  A 20 minute bike ride might be wonderful, a 23 minute bike ride might be too much and send you spiralling down.

 

For a few of us, hard exercise is okay.  But for most of us - there are marathon runners in here, weight lifters, karatika, etc., who have had to scale back our workouts in order to heal.

 

see:  http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/931-exercise-what-kind-and-when-is-it-too-much/

 

But capoeira?  I am in awe!  Anyone who can do that at all!  "I am not worthy!"

 

I've always admired that style of dance-fighting!  It's awesome that you know how to do that!  Even if it is just a little bit!  Wow!

 

And when you are fully healed, exercise of all types will be a vital part of your wellness program.  But like with many things, it may have to be more moderate while you are in withdrawal.

 

Then you wrote:

 

My bad mood got really stuck which is how depression perhaps worked with me, not being able to move at all. I tried feeling the feeling and 'caring for it' and letting it pass but it was difficult to do with the kids arguing around me.

 

Try this one:  Jeff Foster - From Depressed to Deep Rest

 

What is your depression telling you.  I read once - when I was in the depths of despair - someone's account of their depression.  They described it as like a valley, a time of darkness, a depression in the landscape.  This enables us to look at the deeper sides of ourselves - it makes us stronger, more interesting, more interested, more caring - because we've seen these deep places in ourselves.  Like a cave gives us access to the underworld, so a depression gives us access to our inner workings.

 

Jeff Foster takes it one step deeper, saying that what a depression is calling for is down time, rest.  See what you think anyway - I like to throw a bunch of things out there, and it's up to you to see "what sticks."  :)

 

Rosie:

 

 I was not really expecting new symptoms.

 

Noone expects the Spanish Inquisition!

 

But seriously, withdrawal morphs and changes as your brain repairs different functions, circuits and pathways.  And, like the Spanish Inquisition, you never know when you will see it.  When something new happens in your brain, and you don't expect it - just imagine Michael Palin & Co bursting through the door, and yelling, "NOONE EXPECTS...."

 

 

You continue:

 

The tricky thing is that unlike many people here, I was better on the antidepressants than off them. 

 

Well, you were on them for so long, they became your "normal."  You were on them from a pretty young age - though there are people here that started younger (as young as 6 years old!), and they have a lot of normalizing to do!  

 

Withdrawing the drugs - while it's difficult - will take you to your new "normal."  I know, I haven't been "undrugged" for 20 years or more myself, and of the 10 years before that (30 years in total) I don't know how much of my on again/off again approach to antidepressants just took me through bout after bout of withdrawal, rather than actual depression.

 

I like your approach of "this is a medical experiment, I will give it a year."  But I also encourage you not to look at the calendar too much.  If the calendar says it is time to drop - but you are travelling, or have a cold or flu, or just not feeling quite stable, then that is not the time to make a cut.  Most of the healing happens when you hold, when you wait.  After a year of gentle tapering - with holds to allow your brain to adjust - you will not likely ever want to go back.  You will find parts of yourself that you never knew you'd lost!

 

See our Rhi's :  Rhis's Start Small Listen to Body Taper Plan

 

You are going so well!  Even though you've complained of depressions and difficulties - you really are doing quite well!  It's good to "see."

"Easy, easy - just go easy and you'll finish." - Hawaiian Kapuna

 

Holding is hard work, holding is a blessing. Give your brain time to heal before you try again.

 

My suggestions are not medical advice, you are in charge of your own medical choices.

 

A lifetime of being prescribed antidepressants that caused problems (30 years in total). At age 35 flipped to "bipolar," but was not diagnosed for 5 years. Started my journey in Midwest United States. Crossed the Pacific for love and hope; currently living in Australia.   CT Seroquel 25 mg some time in 2013.   Tapered Reboxetine 4 mg Oct 2013 to Sept 2014 = GONE (3 years on Reboxetine).     Tapered Lithium 900 to 475 MG (alternating with the SNRI) Jan 2014 - Nov 2014, tapered Lithium 475 mg Jan 2015 -  Feb 2016 = GONE (10 years  on Lithium).  Many mistakes in dry cutting dosages were made.


The tedious thread (my intro):  JanCarol ☼ Reboxetine first, then Lithium

The happy thread (my success story):  JanCarol - Undiagnosed  Off all bipolar drugs

My own blog:  https://shamanexplorations.com/shamans-blog/

 

 

I have been psych drug FREE since 1 Feb 2016!

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  • 3 months later...

Hi Jan Carol,

Thanks so much for your post, sorry I took such a long time to get back on the site and read it! I stopped checking the forum for a bit, I am not exactly sure why.

The spanish inquisition bit really made me laugh! It is a good way to come out of the seriousness of our experience and be able to get unto the observer seat, with a laugh! I learnt a similar technique from Get out your mind and into your life (something like that anyway). I have been reading it again and realised I had never finished it or done all the exercises in it so I am working through the exercises now. It is sometimes tough but feels like I am getting somewhere.

Turns out my tiredness had another medical cause in part: I had a blood test and found I had iron deficiency anemia, so have taken iron capsules for 3 months and am now at the low end of normal. Still tired but no longer going to bed every day.

I think the weakness in my fingers was also due to carrying my little boy too much and too awkwardly.

I have stll been reducing by 0.2 mg a month, I am upto 1 mg now. Depression-wise I think I feel much more normal, I am still moderately anxious and have a sort of low grade unhappy feeling but I am working very hard at accepting these feelings and that is going better. It has been over a year now, and so far my longest off antidepressants has been a year and a half but I still think this time I will stay off them. i have also tried a zen buddhist group and found I fit in there.

I still have been too tired to go back to capoeira but I hope I can soon. Thanks for the affirmation :). Capoeira is super fun but also takes a lot of energy. I have been swimming instead, though had to stop and rest after each lap! But yes I think it is okay to rest when I am not upto it.

I will check and see how you are doing. Thanks for checking up on me. X

<p>Became depressed and anxious after persistent bulliying at school. started with fluoxetine 20 years ago(1995), when I was 21, was changed to seroxat(citalopram) 20 mg after a couple of years or so because of side effects. This enabled me to get through university and beyond but whenever I tried to stop, usually tapering, I never got past one year off meds. This time I stopped around Christmas 2014. I did taper but very fast I guess, from 40 to 30 to 20, then 10, then 5(I think), over a few months. I cannot remember precisely. I stopped while moving from the Netherland to Holland so am no longer under any medical supervision. However I am trying a reinstatement; I tried 1mg from the 29th of June for ten days, 2 mg from the 11 th July 2015, 1.8mg from 10th Aug, 1.6mg from 16th Sept.

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