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Feeling lost and agitated


LoveandLight
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I don't really know how to describe this but I wonder if it's from the drugs or withdrawal. Have had it a long time but worse in withdrawal. Or even if there is something else going on but I cannot get to the bottom of it.

 

So I have this feeling that I just want to escape, run away which comes with agitation and suicidal thoughts (but mild SI) compared to what comes with the depression. The suicidal thoughts are more like 'I cannot endure this, if this doesn't end' etc.

 

Also feeling so lost, like a vacuous feeling in my head..I'm somehow missing and cannot make decisions about my own life and am drifting along without any roots. I think this got esp bad after being put on such a high dose of sertraline after doctor CT, mirtrazapine for a week and quetiapine as needed for anxiety. But I only think this, I'm not exactly sure what it's from.

 

I'm scared of putting down roots or more permanent housing here but I just don't know if I genuinely don't want to be here or is the drugs made me feel this way but am either scared to try something new, try to change or I'm totally incapable of making any decison. So I continue to drift along and this scares me so much that I'll always be drifting with this lost vacuous feeling, not connected or wanting to be in my life.

 

Can anyone relate.

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

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It's not like there are any techniques to get me back..

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

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So I have this feeling that I just want to escape, run away which comes with agitation and suicidal thoughts (but mild SI) compared to what comes with the depression. The suicidal thoughts are more like 'I cannot endure this, if this doesn't end' etc.

 

The things you said at the end there...I said them too. Others here have, and I have read it on blogs, too.

 

It's time, time, time...just holding on. That's what restores us. What you describe sounds like akathisia. I don't know if it helps to put a name on it. It seems to be a new thing since these drugs came into play. (The original case was thought to be out of the bl

 
It's not anxiety, depression, or any ordinary kind of agitation. It's a baseless sense of desperation. For most everyone, it does get better. Is there anyone on this site that also had to get off sertraline? And made it to the safe side? I can only talk about Effexor, which does sound similar.

 

In the meanwhile, try to avoid putting pressure on yourself about small things, if you have been.  Don't stress over a messy house; you can clean later. 

 

Try to remember that you thoughts about the future are colored by a dysregulated nervous system. If you catch yourself making any kind of prediction or projection into the future, just say to your self,"I'm sorry. Our future-vision software is not functioning at the moment. We will inform you when it is working properly"

 

W

2009: Cancer hospital said I had adjustment disorder because I thought they were doing it wrong. Their headshrinker prescribed Effexor, and my life set on a new course. I didn't know what was ahead, like a passenger on Disneyland's Matterhorn, smiling and waving as it climbs...clink, clink, clink.

2010: Post surgical accidental Effexor discontinuation by nurses, masked by intravenous Dilaudid. (The car is balanced at the top of the track.) I get home, pop a Vicodin, and ...

Whooosh...down, down, down, down, down...goes the trajectory of my life, up goes my mood and tendency to think everything is a good idea.
2012: After the bipolar jig was up, now a walking bag of unrelated symptoms, I went crazy on Daytrana (the Ritalin skin patch by Noven), because ADHD was a perfect fit for a bag of unrelated symptoms. I was prescribed Effexor for the nervousness of it, and things got neurological. An EEG showed enough activity to warrant an epilepsy diagnosis rather than non-epileptic ("psychogenic") seizures.

:o 2013-2014: Quit everything and got worse. I probably went through DAWS: dopamine agonist withdrawal syndrome. I drank to not feel, but I felt a lot: dread, fear, regret, grief: an utter sense of total loss of everything worth breathing about, for almost two years.

I was not suicidal but I wanted to be dead, at least dead to the experience of my own brain and body.

2015: I  began to recover after adding virgin coconut oil and organic grass-fed fed butter to a cup of instant coffee in the morning.

I did it hoping for mental acuity and better memory. After ten days of that, I was much better, mood-wise. Approximately neutral.

And, I experienced drowsiness. I could sleep. Not exactly happy, I did 30 days on Wellbutrin, because it had done me no harm in the past. 

I don't have the DAWS mood or state of mind. It never feel like doing anything if it means standing up.

In fact, I don't especially like moving. I'm a brain with a beanbag body.   :unsure:

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Oh west coast thank you so much for your reply! Your a gem! Will read and read again until I absorb the words. It was comforting to read.

 

Wonder about the totally lost feeling..

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

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2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

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Yes! very common. I have talked to many people in wd, we have all at one point or another described this same thing. Ive also had it, and still do, a lot. I think that because our emotions are impaired, we can't take honest assesment of how we "feel" about....well, ANYthing. Our emotions are what guide us, they tell us when we feel comfort, love, content, excited, happy (the positive ones, which are subdued with anhedonia). I've tried to decide on career changes, sometimes I have this deep deep urge to move and get a new house, convinced I hate my home, yet when I feel better this feeling is gone again (despite how convincingly real it felt at the time). I can switch how I feel about people in my life, my own spouse, its confusing! I used to think it was complicated neuro chemistry but now I think it has to do mainly with emotional blunting. Anhedonia. I never realized how much emotion plays on our sense of self and assesment of our environment and life, but it does. I have hope this will chnage as we recover from anhedonia. I have had breaks from it and feel a huge difference. I find that I cant even assess my past properly in that state because my memories (which are also impaired) don't come with any of their original emotional tags, which then makes me wonder..hmmm, how did i feel about that period of time/person/event? We have to remember that we are still ourselves, all of that stuff is still there, are brains are just unable to open those files right now because they are busy balancing other more important functions and settings for now.

2 Timothy 1-7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Effexor 75mg to 262.5mg 2005-2010 for post partum depression

Started having poop out mid 2010, also switched generic brands, then crashed in Dec 2010 (anxiety/ "terror", intense DR, anhedonia, suicidal ideation, chills, insomnia, horrible intrusive thoughts, disorientation, ect)
Rapid "tapered" from 262.5mg Effexor in 3 months

Tried Celexa,Cipralex, then Paxil to deal with wd(this switching made things worse and added akathesia)

Found online support and started tapering Paxil 7 months after quitting Effexor (at this point was having small windows).

Paxil taper: dropped 10% every 4-8 weeks

Year 1 October 2011 to Nov 2012 20mg to 10mg

Year 2 March 2013 to Feb 2014 10mg to 4mg

Year 3 April 2014 to May 2015 4mg to 1.1mg

Year 4 June 2015 1.1mg , dropping by 10% until .5mg, after then dropped by 0.1mg every 5 weeks until 0.1mg.

Finished! Official last dose of 0.1mg on June 15/16

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I can relate to this L&L. For me, it started when my wife died...but has definitely been exacerbated by wd. I've had a lot of times of feeling and believing that escape was the only answer. But like Aberdeen described, it is replaced by feeling okay about where I am when something shifts internally.

 

I feel as though I've been living in this liminal space for over 3 years. I'm in between the life I had and some life that is waiting for me. I still live in the same house, but feel little of who I was. I have moments of feeling some parts of myself that seem familiar. But then I wake up the next day, and it's as though whatever that was has been wiped clean overnight.

 

For me, it's all very confusing. For a couple of reasons, I do need to move from this house--financial, and finding the physical effort to maintain it too much. But I don't have to move this minute. Yet, when those "must escape" feelings arise, I feel as though I have to do it that second. Of course, I don't know where I want to go..which presents its own problems. I resist joining anything here or really engaging, because I know I'm going to move..which lead me feeling more isolated and less a part of the world..which makes me want to move. All one vicious cycle.

 

It's so hard in wd to separate what is real emotion, what is real "take action"..and what is necessary to just ride out and see. But at age 60, I fear just drifting too...life is passing by and I don't now how much time I have left.

Remeron for depression. Started at 7.5 mg. in 2005. Gradual increases over 8 years, up to 45 mg. in 2012.Began tapering in June 2013. Went from 45 to 30 mg in the first 3-4 months. Held for a couple of months.Started tapering by 3.75 mg every month or 2, with some longer holding periods. Eventually went down to 3.75 mg. about April 2014. Stopped taking Remeron August 2014. Developed issues with histamine a week after stopping--symptoms reduced through diet and a few supplements. Currently having issues with a few foods. Most of the histamine intolerance has resolved or is at least, in remission.

Current Medications:

Current Supplements: Cannabis (CBD and THC), Vitamin C, D, Quercetin, CoQ10, Tart Cherry, Probiotic, Phytoplankton oil, magnesium, Methyl B. What has helped me most: spending time in nature, qi gong, exercise, healthy diet, meditation, IV vitamins, homeopathy, massage, acupuncture, chiropractic, music, and cuddling my cats..

My introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/8459-mirtazapine-withdrawal-freespirit/#entry144282

Please note: I am not a therapist or medical practitioner. Any suggestions offered come solely from my personal experience in recovering from childhood trauma, therapy, and AD use. Please seek appropriate care for yourself.

 

“After a cruel childhood, one must reinvent oneself. Then re-imagine the world.”
Mary Oliver
 

 

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Yep, I feel like that too, free spirit. I know this is not home for me, so I also don't engage or be fully here but that might also be the drug effects also.

 

Thank you for writing. It's horrible isn't it to feel like your drifting. Caught in limbo, just on the sidelines of life.

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

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Memories coming with their original emotional tags..very interesting observation, Aberdeen. How very surreal.

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

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  • Moderator Emeritus

This totally describes how I feel, wanting to get as far away from here as possible, not integrating with the community because I don't feel like I belong here. Then I consider the logistics of actually moving away and that seems impossible and overwhelming too, so I just drift through another day where I am. 

2001: 20mg paroxetine
2003-2014: Switched between 20mg citalopram and 10mg escitalopram with several failed CT's
2015: Jan/ Feb-very fast taper off citalopram; Mar/ Apr-crashed; 23 Apr-reinstated 5mg; 05 May-updosed to 10mg; 15 Jul-started taper; Aug-9.0mg; Sep-8.1mg; Oct-7.6mg; Nov-6.8mg; Dec-6.2mg
2016: Jan-5.7mg; Feb-5.2mg; Mar-5.0mg;  Apr-4.5mg; May-4.05mg; Jun-3.65mg; Jul-3.3mg; Aug-2.95mg; 04Sep-2.65mg; 25Sep-2.4mg; 23Oct-2.15mg; 13Nov-1.95mg; 04Dec-1.75mg; 25Dec-1.55mg.
2017: 08Jan-1.4mg; 22Jan-1.25mg; 12Feb-1.1mg; 26Feb-1.0mg; 05Mar-0.9mg; 15Mar-0.8mg; 22Mar-0.7mg; 02Apr-0.6; 09Apr-0.5mg; 16Apr-0.4mg; 23Apr-0.3; 03May-0.2mg; 10May-0.1mg

Finished taper 17 May 2017.

Read my success story

 

I am not a medical professional. The information I provide is not medical advice. If in doubt please consult with a qualified healthcare provider.

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Yes, it's rubbish.

 

The desperateness is so bad feel like I'm going to suffocate, with it terror that I'll live in limbo state forever and I won't get myself back.

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

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I hope my english can describe what I also feel so we can compare...

 

it's like moving under a curtain of psychological pain. Not like the motionless melancholy of depression, because I feel I have to do something. Of course I am very sad and scared and anxious, but I do my best to do things but it's as all is slowed down,ist not easy to move under this courtain. So emotions love, happiness, but also sadness and despair are softened by this curtain.

There are moments where I can cry for few seconds or smile for few seconds....and I'm scared of the power of these emotions with respect to the painful but "kind of softened" state I'm during almost all day!

06/2012 - 02/2015 CIPRALEX 10 mg (for somatic abdominal pain + reflux) - prior to this NOT any significant episode of anxiety/depression

on medication: emotional-sexual numbness, total inability to cry, +8 kg, fatigue -> abdominal pain gone

02/2015 - 1/04/2015 tapering from 10 mg to 0 mg doctor advised

05/05/2015 huge anxiety, burning skin sensation, panic, fear, not able to cry again, never-had-before insomnia, totally lost appetite, little loss of vision in one eye, sweating, chest pain, short breath, restlessness, accelerated heartbeat, mild akathisia legs-feet

30/05/2015 reinstated 8mg (I was suggested 5 mg here)

middle 07/2015 general improving

10/2015 start disastrous too long taper 7mg  11/2015 6mg  12/2015 5mg 1/2016 4mg  2/2016 4mg  3/2016 3mg ->FAIL back to 4mg .... 8/2016 3mg 8/2017 2mg  (short wave in summer '17) 8/2018 2mg stable  8/2019 1mg  1/2020 0.6 mg 

1/APRIL/2020 0mg FREE!

7/2020 - 10/2020 MILD WAVE(mostly anxiety, poor sleep)

6/2021 - 9/2021 WAVE (anxiety, severe insomnia, total loss of appetite, deep depression, internal restlessness, anhedonia)  0.125g triazolam  2 times

18/03/2022 WAVE (anxiety, severe insomnia, total loss of appetite, PAIN in muscles and nerves, arms and right leg,cannot exercise,hard to walk) 0.125g triazolam 3 times

7/5 rein 0.1mg

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The suffocation feeling with wanting to escape is so bad..anyone else get this?

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

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I don't think I feel this as you describe, Marta as I have deep despair with this, and it's gone on so long..7/8 years on/off.

 

Then I wonder maybe it is something psychological..

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

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I dunno if this will work for other people, but earlier on, I decided to try and let go of this thoughts associated with the agitation and suffocating feeling..and without the thoughts it just seems sensations in the body..so I was able to get a little relief for a few minutes.

 

May work better for other people though.

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

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  • Moderator Emeritus

The suffocation feeling with wanting to escape is so bad..anyone else get this?

 

I used to get this really bad, starting from about age 12, through most of my teens while I was still living with my parents, long before any drugs entered the picture.

 

I've had this feeling revisit me at various times in my life, mostly when I've felt stuck in a situation and in empty, stagnant relationships, where I've felt unable to get my needs met, have been prevented from growing and changing, but haven't been able to do anything about it.

 

Being suffocated by the roles I'm forced to play by the people and environment around me on which I depend.

 

To me, this feeling seems to be like a cry from the soul, urging me to escape from something which is no longer working at a deep level, but I'm feeling prevented, for some reason, from doing it.

 

I've also felt this same feeling on a purely physical level while in withdrawal, I think its triggered by being trapped inside a malfunctioning body which I can't escape from. There are very few thoughts, just an overwhelming urge to escape from *myself*, rather than something outside of myself. The sensation or urge to escape, but feeling stuck is the same though.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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Kind of standing here......in an imagery kind of way........long road behind me........dust on my feet.........and it's like...........just over the next hill and I will be there.........this endless backpacking journey.   Over the hill and there is only one more in sight.   No map.  No compass.  No signs.

 

I don't know......when you figure out where it is........that we are going........let me know.........it's a whole loss experience of knowing much of anything for sure anymore.

2022 May- continuing with limited activity on site, just something I need to do right now

Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988.  In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm.

Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time).

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!  Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to

2016 Dec 16 medication free!!

Longer signature post here, with current supplements.

Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016.  And.....I quit smoking 11/2021. Lapsed.  Redo of quit smoking 9/28/2022.  Can you say Hallelujah?(took me long enough)💜

None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. manymoretodays

 

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In a really bad way with this just now.

 

I went to see about a flat In this town as my parents have said I cannot stay with them. Yesterday I had this trapped and despairing feeling so bad. About staying here and being trapped here and this terrible state forever and due to being unable to make decisions, lack of money I cannot figure out what to do that would feel a bit better than staying here. This need to run has been terrible over the years, and I wonder how much of it is to do with the drugs or how much is psychological in that I've gone through withdrawal and trauma here many times also. It is also near where I grew up where I was also very socially isolated. But now due to rage when I'm with people I cannot even spend time with people or make any connections here. Or the fear of just constantly running and never putting down roots scares me too.

 

I'm tempted just to try and get a live in job somewhere away see if I could manage but I just don't know if I would.

 

Thoughts turn to suicide as a means to escape. Severe anxiety, shaking and vibrating all yesterday after noon and all night, think the fear of being stuck and trapped again has triggered a really bad wave. Just don't know what to do. Can't live like this. Can't seem to calm down.

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

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And terror also.

 

There is a community I could possibly go to that take sickness benefits. It's really far away from here. For people that are maybe having hard time. And I think I can safely say I come under that category lol. It's now what I want for myself either but it would still be better than being here and ending up more desperate and suicidal. But it's still not solving any problem. I would go with little money and leave with little money and would have to move on again.

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

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There are communities that I think would suit me but you have to pay money in the first instance or be fit to work and engage with people and I just don't know if I'm capable.

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

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Yep, I feel like that too, free spirit. I know this is not home for me, so I also don't engage or be fully here but that might also be the drug effects also.

 

Thank you for writing. It's horrible isn't it to feel like your drifting. Caught in limbo, just on the sidelines of life.

 

I never really thought about it being the drug effects all along. I haven't felt at home here since we arrived--11 years ago. I started on drugs the first year we lived here. But prior to this, running wasn't my first inclination. In fact, perhaps the opposite was true. I'd just come to think of this as how I am now, wanting to bolt when things get difficult.

 

It is painful, feeling not a part of life. I see the problems, but don't know what to do to make it better. I often wonder if it really will be better or different when I move from here. There are obvious problems about where I live, but I'm not 100% convinced I won't carry on in the same way somewhere else. Yet in my past, long before therapy and drugs, I had friends and lived a much more normal life. I have been much more engaged in life in the past...

Remeron for depression. Started at 7.5 mg. in 2005. Gradual increases over 8 years, up to 45 mg. in 2012.Began tapering in June 2013. Went from 45 to 30 mg in the first 3-4 months. Held for a couple of months.Started tapering by 3.75 mg every month or 2, with some longer holding periods. Eventually went down to 3.75 mg. about April 2014. Stopped taking Remeron August 2014. Developed issues with histamine a week after stopping--symptoms reduced through diet and a few supplements. Currently having issues with a few foods. Most of the histamine intolerance has resolved or is at least, in remission.

Current Medications:

Current Supplements: Cannabis (CBD and THC), Vitamin C, D, Quercetin, CoQ10, Tart Cherry, Probiotic, Phytoplankton oil, magnesium, Methyl B. What has helped me most: spending time in nature, qi gong, exercise, healthy diet, meditation, IV vitamins, homeopathy, massage, acupuncture, chiropractic, music, and cuddling my cats..

My introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/8459-mirtazapine-withdrawal-freespirit/#entry144282

Please note: I am not a therapist or medical practitioner. Any suggestions offered come solely from my personal experience in recovering from childhood trauma, therapy, and AD use. Please seek appropriate care for yourself.

 

“After a cruel childhood, one must reinvent oneself. Then re-imagine the world.”
Mary Oliver
 

 

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And terror also.

 

There is a community I could possibly go to that take sickness benefits. It's really far away from here. For people that are maybe having hard time. And I think I can safely say I come under that category lol. It's now what I want for myself either but it would still be better than being here and ending up more desperate and suicidal. But it's still not solving any problem. I would go with little money and leave with little money and would have to move on again.

But perhaps it would be a place where you could do some healing..and not be surrounded by so many difficult reminders? A place of transition. I know it's difficult to think of going from one kind of instability to something that isn't long term. But sometimes those steps are necessary and can be helpful. There are times when opening a door like that, ends up leading us into something else that we could not have foreseen.

Remeron for depression. Started at 7.5 mg. in 2005. Gradual increases over 8 years, up to 45 mg. in 2012.Began tapering in June 2013. Went from 45 to 30 mg in the first 3-4 months. Held for a couple of months.Started tapering by 3.75 mg every month or 2, with some longer holding periods. Eventually went down to 3.75 mg. about April 2014. Stopped taking Remeron August 2014. Developed issues with histamine a week after stopping--symptoms reduced through diet and a few supplements. Currently having issues with a few foods. Most of the histamine intolerance has resolved or is at least, in remission.

Current Medications:

Current Supplements: Cannabis (CBD and THC), Vitamin C, D, Quercetin, CoQ10, Tart Cherry, Probiotic, Phytoplankton oil, magnesium, Methyl B. What has helped me most: spending time in nature, qi gong, exercise, healthy diet, meditation, IV vitamins, homeopathy, massage, acupuncture, chiropractic, music, and cuddling my cats..

My introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/8459-mirtazapine-withdrawal-freespirit/#entry144282

Please note: I am not a therapist or medical practitioner. Any suggestions offered come solely from my personal experience in recovering from childhood trauma, therapy, and AD use. Please seek appropriate care for yourself.

 

“After a cruel childhood, one must reinvent oneself. Then re-imagine the world.”
Mary Oliver
 

 

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Yup.  I kind of think if you don't have a lot of baggage and stuff right now(objects I mean).......what have you got to lose?

 

It's been a long time for me as far as changing locations but when I was younger and it was more frequent...........there was always this wonderful new discovery feeling, be it a new neighborhood and exploring, or just nesting feelings and doing.........and it doesn't take a lot to make just one room even your sanctuary.  It could be a very monkish experience and good.  Simplify things somehow.  Idk.........just make sure you keep internet access.  :)

 

Let me tell you too......all those seemingly nasty rage and agitation feelings.......it gets better.........it will.  Wasn't too long ago I just had to grab a pillow and go fetal on the floor and just rock it was so bad.  But if I let it be.......it would pass........I mean sheer torture but it would pass.  Is that(rage and agitation) worse since you have been going back up on your dose? 

 

I always thought it was more the antipsychotics that made me so dreadful but now I don't know because the more recent was around coming off the adderal salts.

 

I also can relate to when they switched my generic escitalopram to another generic.  It made a difference in a not good way and I have heard others warn about when they change manufacturers.  Stinks too.......because what can you do?  I mean you don't find out until you pick up the script and then what if it has changed.......go home and start calling all the other pharmacies to find the old stuff?  Crazy world.

2022 May- continuing with limited activity on site, just something I need to do right now

Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988.  In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm.

Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time).

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!  Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to

2016 Dec 16 medication free!!

Longer signature post here, with current supplements.

Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016.  And.....I quit smoking 11/2021. Lapsed.  Redo of quit smoking 9/28/2022.  Can you say Hallelujah?(took me long enough)💜

None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. manymoretodays

 

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Yes I have plenty other baggage mmd ;)

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

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Free spirit

 

There is a thread on here about 'not feeling at home anywhere' so I think it could be related to the drugs.

 

 

Also when I first started to have problems with withdrawal and the drugs I had actually just returned from long term travelling so I think that has something to so with it also.

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

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Thank you for your replies. I'm glad this has gotten better for you, manymore

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

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Just a bit.....just a bit.   I don't know.  All that you describe is still here/there........but it is just easier more often than not.  For that I am grateful.  Still such a seemingly long, long road to I don't even know where. 

 

Do trust your instincts though......as far as what med. and coming off and going up on are doing to your thinking/feelings.  99.9% of the time.......you are right.  Small comfort as to what you feel......I know.......but it's something.

 

Mind/body/spirit.......

2022 May- continuing with limited activity on site, just something I need to do right now

Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988.  In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm.

Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time).

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!  Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to

2016 Dec 16 medication free!!

Longer signature post here, with current supplements.

Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016.  And.....I quit smoking 11/2021. Lapsed.  Redo of quit smoking 9/28/2022.  Can you say Hallelujah?(took me long enough)💜

None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. manymoretodays

 

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LoveandLight, I have the extreme agitation, too.  I am now in month 4 and all of a sudden it got worse.  It has been a week like this and I am very very uncomfortable all the time and don't know what to do with myself.  It's like I'm going to explode any second.  It is very frightening.

Dec 2014 I tried Zoloft 25mg for one week (adverse reaction - extreme anxiety and felt like I was on an amphetamine). Dr. said to quit cold turkey, so I not only quit Zoloft but also 2 weeks of Xanax .25mg -- extreme dizziness, hyperarousal and anxiety began! On Jan. 29, 2015 my psychiatrist put me on new stuff and this is how my next 2 months and 7 days looked like (I was having the same bad reactions to all of these):Effexor XR 37.5mg (3 days) - throwing up, heart palpations, night tremors/convulsions or something where whole body shakes for a second, Prozac 10mg (15 days), Prozac 20mg (7 days) - internal restlessness, electric current through body/brain (not zaps), agitation, intense fear and could no longer nap at this point (still can't today because of this), Lexapro 5mg (4 days) - same as Prozac, a horror show...extreme internal agitation, Lexapro 7.5mg (2 days), Lexapro 10mg (16 days), Zoloft 12.5mg (3 days)...she said try it again since my blood relative does well on it, Zoloft 25mg (7 days) - same as before and getting worse!! Zoloft 50mg (6 days), Zoloft 25mg (4 days and then came off cold turkey on April 8, 2015). I used Xanax .25mg about 7 times per month through all of this until June 30, 2015 (my last benzo dose). Extreme anxiety, nervous system traumatized, mental akathisia, anger triggered by nothing but the brain totally going off on its own, feeling of a pressurized electric current going through me like my brain and body are trying to explode, stress reaction x10000 to everything, waking in terror lasting all day, fear, very sensitive, brain can't keep up, don't know what to do with myself, feeling like everything is going too fast and I can't keep up, helium head, deep depression like something is ripping out my soul, out of my mind, can hardly drive or be alone, cognitive issues, simple tasks are so complex and straining, feel disturbed because the brain can't process anything right even though your brain tries so hard and it makes you go mad, episodes of deep anguish with a sick toxic poison feeling (like you have some unknown virus).

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LoveandLight, I understand you...it's like sitting on a chair of knifes all day long.

Do you feel worse during the morning, the evening or the night?

 

Hugs!

 

 

Really I've asked my self how can it be possible that I have all the energy to be such agitated, in fear and anxiety if I eat little amount of food....are we consuming our self?)

06/2012 - 02/2015 CIPRALEX 10 mg (for somatic abdominal pain + reflux) - prior to this NOT any significant episode of anxiety/depression

on medication: emotional-sexual numbness, total inability to cry, +8 kg, fatigue -> abdominal pain gone

02/2015 - 1/04/2015 tapering from 10 mg to 0 mg doctor advised

05/05/2015 huge anxiety, burning skin sensation, panic, fear, not able to cry again, never-had-before insomnia, totally lost appetite, little loss of vision in one eye, sweating, chest pain, short breath, restlessness, accelerated heartbeat, mild akathisia legs-feet

30/05/2015 reinstated 8mg (I was suggested 5 mg here)

middle 07/2015 general improving

10/2015 start disastrous too long taper 7mg  11/2015 6mg  12/2015 5mg 1/2016 4mg  2/2016 4mg  3/2016 3mg ->FAIL back to 4mg .... 8/2016 3mg 8/2017 2mg  (short wave in summer '17) 8/2018 2mg stable  8/2019 1mg  1/2020 0.6 mg 

1/APRIL/2020 0mg FREE!

7/2020 - 10/2020 MILD WAVE(mostly anxiety, poor sleep)

6/2021 - 9/2021 WAVE (anxiety, severe insomnia, total loss of appetite, deep depression, internal restlessness, anhedonia)  0.125g triazolam  2 times

18/03/2022 WAVE (anxiety, severe insomnia, total loss of appetite, PAIN in muscles and nerves, arms and right leg,cannot exercise,hard to walk) 0.125g triazolam 3 times

7/5 rein 0.1mg

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LoveandLight, I know this feeling of wanting to escape. I imagine going on a short road trip with my dog

as if that will change the way I'm feeling(anxoius and sad). But then I feel afraid that being away from my

home will make me feel even more lonely. I end up feeling trapped at home and not reallly living my life in

a full way, not living up to potenttial,that I'm wasting precious time in my life.  I also have those transient

suicidal thoughts though fleeting.I do think those are just a manifestation of wanting to escape withdrawal. 

It helps to know others are going through same thing. I know no one in life that has the same struggle.

On 20 mg of Prozac for about ten years. Sept 2012 started reducing 10% a drop using gram scale, with average of one month holds.

When I'd reached the half way mark, taking 10 mg  powder out of the 20 mg capsules, I switched over to 10 mg capsules and cutting

down from those. Withdrawals got harder the lower I dropped.  May 2013 changed to 5% drops, holding until all withdrawal symptoms gone.

January 2015 changed to liquid prozac (concentration of 20MG per 5 mL) using a 1mL oral syringe.

Current dose of fluoxetine solution equivalent 3.4 mg. Any effort to drop below this has been disastrous so for the time being I'm staying at this level.
Adding 200 mg Tryptophan and 200 GABA a day has helped with anxiety.
Also take 1,300mg Omega- 3,  875mg  Magnesium, 1800mg Curcumin, 1000mg Vit C, 5000 Vit D.
 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

 The suicidal thoughts are more like 'I cannot endure this, if this doesn't end' etc.

 

This is exactly how I experience it. 

I also often describe it as "I cannot bear this for another minute".

 

I don't have time at the moment to read through all of this topic, but I'm leaving the tab open for later.

  • 2,5 years of slowly tapering down Cymbalta from 60 mg. Then tried going from 8,44 mg to 1 mg in 8 days. (April 1st 2015). That's when the real hell started. Reinstated. Didn't help. I was added Ativan (2 mg 2 times a day for relentless akathisia that started with jumping Cymbalta). For years had been taking Zopitin 7,5 mg and Stilnox 10 mg for I had not been able to sleep naturally since the 1st day I started Cymbalta). Used to take Xanax occasionally.
  • All of the above were stopped cold turkey when I was hospitalized in the beginning of May 2015.
  • Prior to that I have been on and off the whole spectrum of different AD-s for 15 years (since I was 17).

My introduction.

 

Tapering:

  • Olanzapine (starting point 2,1 mg): Jan 2016  /---/ April 2018 0 mg. (From 2,1 mg to 0 mg in 1y 3mo).
  • Diazepam (starting at 5 mg) : switching to liquid May 2018;  4,6 mg (June 2018) /---/ 0 mg (Feb 2020) (From 10 to 5 - nobody knows, from 5 to 0 in 1 y 10 mo)
  • Valdoxan (starting at 25 mg): switching to liquid (Feb 2019) /---/ 0 mg (July 2020)

 

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Free spirit

 

There is a thread on here about 'not feeling at home anywhere'

I feel something kind of like this, which I think of as "not wanting to be anywhere." Not feeling comfortable and truly relaxed anywhere. Don't know whether it's related to WD or whether it's a remnant of the trauma/emotions that got me on ADs in the first place. Wherever I go, my messy internal landscape goes with me...so I end up associating everything with my painful emotions and behavior. So then I start avoiding it.

 

Then, I end up feeling in a permanent "hallway" of life, not settled comfortably in any "room" or "home." Trying to be compassionate with myself, as this is a mechanism of self-protection, but it is so very lonely and self-defeating.

Prozac 20 mg/daily since 1995

July 19, 2013, initial cut to 15 mg; Aug. 2 updosed to 18 mg; Aug. 19, to 16.2 mg
Held at 2.52 ml/day Jan. 11-April 16, 2014
April 16, 2014, cut to 2.40 ml/day
Dec. 29, 2014, 1.84 ml/day, and held there almost six months
June 23, 2015, 1.75ml/day; July 21, 2015, 1.70 ml/day
Aug. 13, 2015, 1.60 ml/day

Feb. 7, 2016, .7 ml/day; April 26, 2016, .6 ml/day

 

Taking anastrozole (estrogen blocker)
 
Successfully completed long, slow Klonopin taper November 2011. :ph34r:

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  • 5 years later...

Since starting my tapering, at times, I feel totally and completely "lost."  I think about my late father, who was my only support; now gone.  I see my therapist once every two weeks, she's a big help.  My husband, not so much.  He doesn't understand and he has his problems.  

I think  this is from tapering which makes me think in terms of 'the glass is half empty.'  I can't focus on what I have and be grateful; at times, all I can think about is what I lost or don't have or want to do, but can't (due to tapering) and I feel this deep seated fear.  

I think I always had this fear with me since living with my family of origin. People were very angry, depressed, scared and very, very reactive.  Now, I'm in a different family which is not really bad - but there are things about my relationship with my husband which reminds me of my parents' relationship - and its not good.  

I has to constant fatigue that doesn't go away.  I feel I'm close to 60 and I'm afraid to depend on my husband because at the end he will divorce me.  I want to have some independence but because of my taper, I can't work.  

Its just the feeling of being completely lost that is the most painful - besides the 'wish-I-was-dead' headaches. 

1997-1999 Xanax 

1999-2000 Slow taper off of Xanax nonsupportive by my 'doctor' at the time. 

2000- 2018 Burpropion, first at 75-mg, then 100-mg finally 300-mg. 

2012-2018- Experienced 'poop out symptoms: digestive issues, tumors, inability to tolerate stress, weight gain etc. 

2018 - decided to start a very slow taper.

2022- As of March 17, at 22-mg Bupropion daily.  

 

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