Colonial: worsening withdrawal symptoms changing from Paxil CR to liquid suspension

[Colonial]

It has been 4 months now since leaving behind the liquid I navigated for 6 and a half years.

 

I have found how the problematic truth that the lower I went in my journey, the more the undefined  "dead space" of the syringe represented my reality, that immeasurable distance between the known and unknown became a real representation of the undefined nemesis in all of My existence. 

 

The uncomfortable truth one sees rolling down at one, that the closer one seems to the end of their journey and the arrival at the hoped for destination, in truth one finds one further away from any meaningful answer to the mystery of their unsolved problem and the Genesis of another.

 

The realization that the more that all one has left in life to rely upon is the undefined and indeterminate, the closer one is to the Truth of themselves, which now presents itself as the stark truth that I was never on any positive or measurable journey, but lost not only to Myself but to the world I thought had any meaning or reality in my existence.

 

The greater the percentage the indeterminant function held sway in My existence, the greater the loss of reason, meaning and probability of finding the answer to the questions that sub set held for Me. It is at that moment one sees that far from being closer to the end of one's journey, one merely sees one coming closer to the edge of a cliff one did not see coming.  One that eventually must be jumped and the landing in One's reality is not at all the new reality one had thought to procure for oneself in a new existence. 

 

As Joyce remarked albeit for different reasons:

"All changed, changed Utterly...A Terrible Beauty is Born."

 

One Navigates the Truth as best one can, the realization that nothing in the measurable world was ever what it seemed and that even One's own self, in truth remains unknown to Oneself to any meaningful degree. That the "You" You though to retrieve, redefine or recreate is One outside of One's choosing, and the path one seems to have chosen is of a different accord than advertised. For the closer One believes they are to the end of the Riddle, the more Complex the Truth of the Self appears.

 

In the end of it?

One has one final choice, the only choice ever really one's own.

 

To continue down the Unknown Path or retreat in Fear to some Pretended world of Safety. Where False Security offers some form of Life and Security when in reality the "Pleasure Island" is not so.

 

The answer to this mystery seems always to be fall somewhere between the moments when life and death seems transfixed to each other, and to reap the benefits of the former, one must be willing to embrace the latter. Knowing at some point death is the preclude to life.

 

In all things the circle of life revolves.

I wish all of You that Moment of Realization,

Where the Actual Truth of You does Lay before Your journey is complete. 

 

 

 

[brassmonkey]

When I first started to study Spirituality, oh so many years ago, our first lesson was two fold: The path you are following will lead you where it will and you can't give back enlightenment, so follow the path at your own risk.  The path has lead many unexpected places, some beautiful and some quite dark, but the journey has been fascinating and I wouldn't have missed it, and can't wait to see where else it takes me.

[Colonial]

6 hours ago, brassmonkey said:

The path you are following will lead you where it will and you can't give back enlightenment, so follow the path at your own risk. 

 

On 11/11/2021 at 6:47 PM, Colonial said:

The answer to this mystery seems always to be fall somewhere between the moments when life and death seems transfixed to each other, and to reap the benefits of the former, one must be willing to embrace the latter. Knowing at some point death is the preclude to life.

 

Enlightenment is never merely the "Good" it seems, it is always Cruelly more. 

It is the Sharp Reality of all the good and the ill that falls on the Knife Edge of Fate and Self Realization.

The truth that to come to One's Full Potential one must be ready to meet Death.

 

That for some of Us, Our Death is the Reason for Coming into this World.

That Our Deaths are the Reason for Our Birth and not Merely the Exit from One Realm to Another.

 

This may seem a Harsh Truth to one Meant to Live in and Through Time.

For those Sent to Make their Mark in the Hours and Days of Life

But for those Sent to Make their Mark in the Hour of Death it is not a Difficult Matter.

 

Whether Life's Totality Ebbs out along the Narrow Way and Meaning is Stitched together Such

Or if the Down Payment of all Reality comes with One Flash of Brilliance at the Last Breath it is the Same.

 

The Only Great Misery is if the Enlightenment has become the Deception.

An Enlightened Deception that Life should be "Lived" at all Cost.

That Death Must Always be Shunned.

 

This would be the Ultimate Self Deception.

To Live Life Past it's Time.

To Not Return the Breath of Life when One is Called.

 

I Do think it a Cheap Game to Play.

To Tarry a Day Longer.

 

[brassmonkey]

Interesting bit of Goth Philosophic Poetry, did you write it?

[Colonial]

1 hour ago, brassmonkey said:

did you write it?

Yes, if I quote another, as with Joyce, in the post above, it's usually in quotes.

It took about 20 minutes.

 

I reflected about your quote on enlightenment and how that sometimes is a large part to play in coming to the original theme of the post before, where as you say, wisdom or enlightenment is not always the happy ending what one thinks it is, and to some come to find the answer we seek is not always the life we thought but another road we find we have to embrace.

 

But for some the road was always known and they are simply plotting their course along the way.

As in some are called to make their Mark in Life while Some in Death's Hour.

It is Simply a Matter of Vocation.

 

Some live Life from the beginning forward,

The journey leading to sights and destinations yet unseen

 

Some live it from the End Backwards,

Knowing where they are meant to end and plot the course in reverse

To remain where they have always been.

 

I Suppose depending on ones worldview, what one does FOR their Death and what happens after are all parts of those plots on the graph along the way, and lead each person to the knowledge of when and that Hour should be.

 

 

[Colonial]

 

Thank You to everyone who helped Me out over the past 6 and half years.

I appreciate the fact You tried to Help out.

 

I Hope everyone continues to progress and things work out for everyone.

Hopefully You will all Make it to the end of Your Tapers Soon.

 

Good Luck, Everyone.

 

 

 

 

[Rosetta]

Whoa.  Hold up!  No, you can’t be doing that.  You are an important part of our community, Colonial.  You need to give this another chance.  You will feel differently in a few hours.  You know that.  
 

It’s been a long time.  I understand that, but there have been some better days and there will be more.  We need you here and you need to be here.

 

Rosetta

[Cheeky]

Please @Colonial,

you have helped me through everything and I couldn’t of done this without you. You are one strong person and I admire your strength . We all need you here and value everything you say. Your probably not feeling the best at the moment but your know how it can change overnight. I’m worried about you . Please stay

[Cheeky]

1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

Whoa.  Hold up!  No, you can’t be doing that.  You are an important part of our community, Colonial.  You need to give this another chance.  You will feel differently in a few hours.  You know that.  
 

It’s been a long time.  I understand that, but there have been some better days and there will be more.  We need you here and you need to be here.

 

Rosetta

I agree 100%

[Shep]

I'm locking this thread so we don't go into a lot of drama here. There are a number of posts that are hidden in the Covid vaccine thread due to Colonial violating the rules on the site. That is where Colonial's frustrated post here on her intro thread originated from - it's a continuation of a problem elsewhere. 

 

We have a lot going on with new members and a very limited number of staff members able to help give out tapering advice. We can't continue to get sidelined with this. It's taking it's toll on everyone here and preventing the moderators from approving new members. There are plenty of websites for discussing the pros and cons of the vaccines. SA can't be everything to everyone. 

 

Let's please keep SA as a site about tapering psychiatric drugs.