Colonial: worsening withdrawal symptoms changing from Paxil CR to liquid suspension

[SkyBlue]

Hi Colonial, 

 

A good perspective to have. 

 

That's an interesting list, although I had to stop reading -- too scary and overwhelming. 

I've gotten good use out of Dr. Glenmullen's symptom checklist.

It can be found at the bottom of the page at drglenmullen.com. 

 

 

[Colonial]

Day 50...

 

The morning wasn't too bad,just some foggy head on and off after eating.

But the last 50 minutes my body is kind of spinning, flu like symptoms, legs go numb, difficulty swallowing and anxiety, hard to think.

 

The car didn't start after church at 12:45 and I had to spend 2 hours sitting out in the cold, waiting for my buddy to come help.  Couldn't get it started so I was like:  " Just burn it and take me home, I don't feel well enough to care."  At first I thought maybe the stress of the car not starting and upset me but then I remembered I really don't feel well enough to care one way or another, so... probably just the afternoon lull.

[Roxyrich]

I get that.I'll have somebody tell me something bad , and I have a really hard time caring, and that's not me.usually I get caught up in other people's worries, to the point I'd stress over it.

[Colonial]

Yeah, it hard. Because you know it's something you have to deal with but after being out of bed and in the cold for 2 hours longer than normal, you just feel awful.  And then all this stuff you should be doing back ups and then IF you hit a window for a few hours that day you're overwhelmed with all that has to be done.

[SkyBlue]

Oh no!! I hope you got the car situation straightened out. 

 

Windows:

Sometimes when I start feeling good, first I scramble to get things together that have piled up;

then I'm like, "Okay, what do I do when I'm feeling good? I really don't remember! ! ! !" 

 

Oh, man, when this is FINALLY behind me I'm going to be so grateful for each and every normal day.

[Colonial]

Windows:

Sometimes when I start feeling good, first I scramble to get things together that have piled up;

then I'm like, "Okay, what do I do when I'm feeling good? I really don't remember! ! ! !" 

Oh, man, when this is FINALLY behind me I'm going to be so grateful for each and every normal day..."

 

My problem is..

The longer I feel awful, the less interest I have in my "old life"...even when I feel ok.

 It's like I've died and become a new person, I just have no idea who I am yet.

In some ways it's good, stupid stuff no longer bothers me.

But I just feel like a soldier who has come back from 4 years of a world war, and I just don't fit in anymore.

[AliG]

Colonial. I like your new  " avatar". So true & appropriate.

 

My problem is..

" The longer I feel awful, the less interest I have in my "old life"...even when I feel ok.

 It's like I've died and become a new person, I just have no idea who I am yet.

In some ways it's good, stupid stuff no longer bothers me.

But I just feel like a soldier who has come back from 4 years of a world war, and I just don't fit in anymore."

 

I can relate to this , or sometimes feeling like I'm on or from another planet !

Ali

[Colonial]

(...Colonial. I like your new  " avatar". So true & appropriate....)

 

Thanks Ali!  I saw that new Avi last night and I knew just what forum it was for!

It's from a longer quote of a very wise woman who went through an extended period of suffering, albeit for different reasons about 5 hundred years ago:

 

“Let nothing perturb you, nothing frighten you. All things pass. God does not change. Patience achieves everything.”  Teresa Sánchez de Cepeda y Ahumada(28 March 1515 – 4 October 1582),

 

And also, from our time, a quote from the great William Barclay:  “Endurance is not just the ability to bear a hard thing, but to turn it into glory.”    William Barclay  5 December 1907 - 24 January 1978)

 

Kind of like the "Survivor" game show motto, but towards our own illness and symptoms:  outwit, outlast, out play.

 

 

(....I can relate to this , or sometimes feeling like I'm on or from another planet !....)

 

And it's really NOT a round of depersonalization as understood medically.  It's actually MORE pronounced when I am in a window!  It's like I've woken up from a bad dream, I feel fine, but what I've experienced is so horrible that it has changed me utterly into a new person.  Just not sure who yet.  It's exactly like what the poet William Butler Yeats said, in His poem, "Easter 1916":

 

"...

Too long a sacrifice
Can make a stone of the heart.
O when may it suffice?
That is heaven's part,

Minute by minute they live:

The stone's in the midst of all.

He, too, has resigned his part

In the casual comedy;
He, too, has been changed in his turn,

All changed, changed utterly:

A terrible beauty is born...."

 

 

That really is us... ALL CHANGED... CHANGED UTTERLY..... BUT TO WHAT???

 

 

 

http://www.theatlantic.com/past/docs/unbound/poetry/soundings/easter.htm

[AliG]

C.   That quote is motivating.

 

“Endurance is not just the ability to bear a hard thing, but to turn it into glory.”

 

I also like St Teresa's quote :

“Let nothing perturb you, nothing frighten you. All things pass. God does not change. Patience achieves everything.”

 

 

That really is us... ALL CHANGED... CHANGED UTTERLY..... BUT TO WHAT???

 

I do believe we come out of this changed , but for the better !  Not quite sure how or why , but somehow it forces us to dig deep into our hearts and souls  and draw on our innermost strength and fortitude , and emerge as more compassionate , loving and understanding people.  I guess there is an upside  to this .

Ali

[Colonial]

Thanks Ali! Praying for you and us all now.

[Colonial]

I no longer care to live, and I no care care that I don't.

After so many weeks of torture, death has lost it's normal grip of fear.

I am no longer really alive in any meaningful sense.

I wonder where that leaves me...

[nz11]

Colonial i am so sorry you are in this horrid place.

You are not alone.

I know it might seem hopeless now and one might think they will not make it but you will.

I would ring a family member every morning crying i wasnt going to make it they didnt understand but just hearing their voice would ease the suffering. They listened but could not conceive of my plight.

 

Are you able to lean on family at this time.

 

You can do it. If that crazy nz11 can get through this then so can you.

 

Wishing you strength.

[Colonial]

Thanks NZ11,

 

I have some people I can text.

 

Now that I restarted the xanax at least I am sleeping again.That has to go along way to eventually feeling better.  I feel like I've been hit by a truck now, but I think that's my bodies natural reaction to being so over stimulated from both the round of paxil withdrawal and the accidental xanax withdrawal.

In the past, I was able to stop the xanax without any problems, seemingly ,but in retrospect I never went more than 2 weeks without it.  I guess once I went more than that the protracted WD kicked in and made everything else worse.

[SkyBlue]

Colonial, THIS IS WITHDRAWAL. IT IS NOT YOU.    iT IS THE DRUG.  They are EVIL and you are on your way to feeling better.

nz11 is right, you might think you will not make it but you will. 

 

If you think I'm just saying this… and that I don't really understand…. (I wish that was true!!) … I have felt suicidal in the last few months

(off and on) and sometimes convinced that it "really, really is the end." Each time I have eventually felt better. (I never felt suicidal before these drugs.)

 

I implore you to HANG ON…. visit these forums; reach out to family if possible ; call a hotline (Google search or there is a list of resources in this

forum). Do what I did and set a timer for 20 minutes. The feelings of suicidality lasted a lot longer than 20 damn minutes, but a tiny corner of my brain was able to see after 20 minutes, okay--I made it this far. Maybe I will hang on another 20 minutes. 

 

Let us know how you're doing. If I don't respond it's because I'm following many threads and having Paxil withdrawal thinking-problems and loopiness -- message me.

[Colonial]

Thanks Skyblue!

 

That was a great message of hope.  Your the best.

 

ALL OF YOU ARE.

 

I like the setting the timer.  I do that too, but in a different way.  I try to "force" myself not too worry or give myself "time off" from dealing with the issue.  May only be an hour at a time.IF I hit a window at night, I tell myself, "take the rest of the night off from trying to solve the problem", and I think it helps relax me to fall asleep faster.

 

It's good advice to yourself, but easier said than done when the suffering is so protracted and intense.

[SkyBlue]

You're very welcome, Colonial.

 

For me, what's difficult is that when I get in a certain zone (it can be the suicidality, or the depersonalization/derealization, or feeling super depressed but not suicidal) that nothing seems to help. I can tell myself that it's the Paxil, but somehow I can't "hear" myself saying it -- the message isn't getting through to where it needs to be.

 

I've recently learned that depression is characterized by a lack of communication between the limbic system / amygdala / emotional center, and our more logical prefrontal cortex. So that helps me understand why telling myself it's the Paxil and I'll feel better sometimes isn't as comforting or helpful as you think it would be.

 

Hang in there! 

[Colonial]

It's not that I'm suicidal in the normal sense.  I'm honestly not even depressed.  That's the irony of it all.

 

It's more of the conversation people have when their incurably suffering and sign up for "assisted suicide".

 

I realize part of it is the WD, But it's like I don't even care about getting better at this point.  I'm sure the chronic flu like symptoms have something to do with it.  The difficulty breathing, swallowing, nausea, etc. Everyone knows how when they are really sick with the flu they don't really care about anything.  It gets misinterpreted as depression.

 

But eventually you start having the "why should I continue to live like this" conversation.  It's day 52 of feeling like I'm sick with a bad flu PLUS all the mental symptoms, anxiety,etc.  At some point you lose the ability to care that you don't care if you wanted to kill yourself.  I keep telling myself, "well that probably affected it", or: "well that interaction with the xanax withdrawal probably set you back", but at some point, even THAT doesn't even help anymore. During the first 6 weeks, that was helpful, but not anymore.

 

At least it's "admitted" that the paxil symptoms can last a good 2 months.  That would be March 7th-9th depending on how many days you would have in a month.  And thank God I'm sleeping again now that I'm back on the xanax.  Slept 8 and a half hours again.  Now that the xanax is back in my system, and I wake up after a good nights sleep, I feel like I have literally been hit by a truck.  That at least I take as a  "good" sign, like my body is finally resting enough to feel like that.  I'd like to take it as the first sign that my body is in the first few days of "recovery", somewhat.

 

Thanks again, Sky blue.  It's nice to have a fellow paxil sufferer.. although it's sad that there has to be more than one of us. I'm sure you understand what I mean, I wouldn't "wish" this on anyone, not even a combo ax murdering child molester.

[Roxyrich]

Hi col.I know what you mean with dying. but I had a good day yesterday, and I couldn't believe how my attitude had changed. I felt fear that I might do something stupid, when I'm him.

I'm just trying to survive hour to hour , like everyone here.

Im still working on mindfulness, I hope I get good at it.

[Colonial]

(... I felt fear that I might do something stupid, when I'm him....)

 

That's still good you care.

 

That no longer worries me.  If something happens to me, I mean.  I

 

The past 2 days have seen improvement.  Less hours I feel like I'm dying and more hours I feel just crappy, and yesterday I actually had 3 hours I felt "normal".  Almost forgot what that was.  Today so far I had an ok morning until noon, now kinda feeling a bit worse.Hope you're doing better.

[Roxyrich]

Today I've been crappy, but not too bad.

I felt quite normal yesterday, and I honestly felt like a different person.

I think when you get your window, you'll see how positive you can be.

Wishing you big massive window's colonial.

[Colonial]

Thanks Buddy! 

[SkyBlue]

Today I've been crappy, but not too bad.

I felt quite normal yesterday, and I honestly felt like a different person.

I think when you get your window, you'll see how positive you can be.

Wishing you big massive window's colonial.

 

Roxy, you are so right! ! ! ! ! 

 

How are you lately, Colonial?

[Colonial]

Hi guys,

 

A little better over all the past few days.

But it is still quite frightening how you can go from just "not well" to thinking you're sure you're dying in 30 minutes flat.

Thanks for caring.

[SkyBlue]

You bet.

 

Can you imagine how grateful we all are going to be for health once we are better? 

[Colonial]

I won't know what to do with myself.

 

After this trauma I don't even know who I am anymore, philosophically speaking.

 

None of the things I was living for seem interesting any longer.

 

Have to birth a brand new me.

[AliG]

C.   I'm so pleased that you're feeling a little better.   You Will make it through this. You are not alone. This process changes you, for sure , but a  "brand new you " might be something to work towards. I think we are all hopefully heading that way .  It seems that life -  "apres" drugs , is about possibly following a new path after the dust settles.  An awakening of sorts .  I hope this improvement keeps up for you .

Ali

[Colonial]

Thank you AliG,

 

Today is 8 full weeks since I started have bad symptoms from the 10% paxil drop in December.  How much the xanax debacle protracted things I don't know but I'm still having the classic SSRI Symptoms: brain zaps, cortisol mornings, flu like symptoms, trouble swallowing, breathing issues, my eyes will feel hot, brain fog, neuro emotions etc. Somnolence and brain fog after eating, etc.

 

I have noticed something interesting though....

 

I HAVE NOT BEEN SICK ONCE SINCE I STARTED WITHDRAWING JANUARY 2015... 14 MONTHS STRAIGHT..

 

I am normally sick quite often, colds, bronchitis, whatever.  I would have thought, that the withdrawal would have run my immune system down further, but oddly enough, I have NOT BEEN SICK ONCE since October 2014.

 

Is there a history of WD actually having this strange effect on others?  Somehow warding off regular illness?

[megb]

Colonial & Roxy, 

 

Oh my heart is just burdened for you both... I am not in your suffering shoes right now, but will be praying fervently for RELIEF, HEALING, and HOPE to flood your bodies and minds right this second!

 

I know how scary it feels to want to die. But also relieving in a way. Withdrawal DOES that! Some thought patterns that would help me get through every 10 minutes were thinking of things SO much bigger than I that exist and are stable. If you believe in God, think of him and his sovereignty. If you don't, think of those massive beautiful mountains and waterfalls that seem so constant compared to the rollercoaster that is tapering/withdrawal. The sky is the same every night, even though my body feels different minute by minute. It helped me a little  

 

Don't give up sweet SA friends!!!!

[Colonial]

(...Oh my heart is just burdened for you both... I am not in your suffering shoes right now, but will be praying fervently for RELIEF, HEALING, and HOPE to flood your bodies and minds right this second!...)

 

Thank you Meg,your prayers are most certainly appreciated.  I'm sure it's the only way I am getting through this..

 I just keep texting people:  "pray for me".

If I survive this,  I'm going to owe others A LOT of prayers.

 

Going to get my blood drawn to check my thyroid levels.  The last time I went through a withdrawal period my thyroid levels were way too high, almost as if I had stopped taking the med.  I suspect the WD may interfere with your bodies ability to absorb the synthroid, or somehow affect its normal effectiveness, but so far I haven't been able to find anything.

[Colonial]

WOW...

 

Just had another one of those weird "half asleep- half awake-sleep paralysis -somnolent episodes.  Lasted about an hour.  Those are too awful to even explain.  You're awake but you CAN'T get yourself up out of the suffering and you kind of have a weird feeling of  a "death like state".  I was probably asleep for half of it.  But when I would wake up I couldn't really, and it's accompanied by a feeling of dread, and I'd assume it's kind of like being in a coma.

 

This is why I don't purposely allow myself to nap in the day.  All I did was go in bed to rest and it "hit me".  Maybe I had too many carbs.  Who knows.

 

THAT WAS AWFUL...

 

[Roxyrich]

Sorry you're still having problems with that symptom, colonial. How are you feeling in general.

[Colonial]

Hey buddy,  

 

Well, now that I'm sleeping again, thanks to Skyler, at least the despair isn't as bad.  It makes a big difference not having to be conscious those extra 5 hours of the day.  I'm finally also just the past few days no longer feeling like I was hit by a truck.  That was about the first week after restarting the xanax when I finally started sleeping again, just so physically exhausted.  Now, it's not like I have energy per se,  I still have the flu like muscle symptoms,but atleast I don't have that extra awful problem.

[Roxyrich]

I'm glad you're getting some peace, from your symptoms, and yes , 5 hrs after 0 is very welcome. I can't believe how much I took sleep for granted before all this.

I could go to bed at 10pm and lay in while 11am on Sundays, I'd love to get those days back.

[Colonial]

Pitiful, isn't it?

This is what we've been reduced to...

Counting the hours to unconsciousness...

God help us all...

[Roxyrich]

Ah to sleep, perchance to dream.when I first started sleeping again, I was treated to terror and nightmares, at least now my dreams are mostly normal, some are about w/d but most are about work. I'd sleep 12hrs a day if I could.

[Colonial]

HEY LOOK WHAT I FOUND!

 

I was wondering a few days back if anyone else had noticed NOT getting sick during wd, I wrote: 

 

Posted 02 March 2016 - 03:23 PM

(...I have noticed something interesting though....

I HAVE NOT BEEN SICK ONCE SINCE I STARTED WITHDRAWING JANUARY 2015... 14 MONTHS STRAIGHT..

I am normally sick quite often, colds, bronchitis, whatever.  I would have thought, that the withdrawal would have run my immune system down further, but oddly enough, I have NOT BEEN SICK ONCE since October 2014.

Is there a history of WD actually having this strange effect on others?  Somehow warding off regular illness?...)

 

Well, I just found this over in the WD VS. Adrenal fatigue thread:

 

Posted 29 December 2011 - 09:17 PM

(....As opposed to adrenal fatigue, elevated cortisol in withdrawal syndrome keeps you going even though you're dead tired. People also report a surprisingly low incidence of colds and flu....)