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Vonnegutjunky

Angry and feeling traumatized

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Vonnegutjunky

I am so angry- I feel defeated and stuck- I read stories about people being bedridden for or years during wd - I can't afford for that to happen to me :( this is just so not fair for anyone - I feel like I will never be able to successfully get of this medication :( I want to sue somebody- scream and yell - but most of all I feel really lonely in this :( I feel traumatized and am now so afraid - emotionally I have always been sensitive and I think this bad wd experience has really affected me psychologically - I read on another thread where someone said they felt going though this made them stronger - I don't feel that at all right now - I feel this is not fair and I worry that I will end up being the worst of the worst - I read the more rare symptoms of wd and I had most of them and very few of the typical symptoms - that scares me - I'm angry and worried all at the same time - I need a support group - stupid medication

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crimsonking

You're not alone with these feelngs. Its called neuro emotion. We all usually feel very angry or even in rage and this feeling of being so lonely that you're the last living person in the world. I also do feel defeated and stuck, afriad that I will never have a life again and won't be able to feel. But you need to tell yourself that its just medication talking through you and it will pass. You can make it

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bluebalu86

I feel the same way. I also don't have the typical symptoms, mine are exclusively mental and very very scary and debilitating. I'm already bedridden and haven't even started tapering yet. I'm very scared I'll never recover and I think in my case it's a very real possibility. I'm so screwed. 

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Vonnegutjunky

❤️????❤️????❤️????❤️????????????????☀️

 

I pray and wish for good luck to all of us - I wish we knew each other in the real world- it would make it easier for us - hugs*

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oskcajga

I've never personally met someone in real life who was going through what we are currently going through.  I don't think anyone else lives where I live - 2 hours out of Philly in the middle of the mountains.  I'm super isolated up here - just my father and myself.  Lots of wildlife everywhere, deer in our yard every day - there's a dog that we have.  That's it.

 

I prefer it this way - though - when it's crowded I just remember how much different I am than the rest of the world.  At least here in the sanctuary of nature, I feel at one with the world and not as judged or out of place.  Just another mammal among the trees, lakes, mountains, and forests.

 

I think that you two gals will be OK as you taper your meds - I really feel for you both, you're in this situation where you cannot get off the meds, but you can't stand staying on them either.  Waiting for stabilization or planning for a future taper of some sort.  The silver lining in both of your situation is that you don't know yet what's going to happen when you taper off the drugs and let your body heal.  You might find that after a period of time your brain stabilizes off the meds and you heal completely within a couple of months.  Some of the success stories serve as testimates to how people can heal from seemingly hopeless situations.

 

One of the most difficult aspects of the damage that these medications do is that it stole away my inner ability to self-sooth - nothing felt right anymore - I felt like I had died mentally and spiritually, but kept living physically.  No matter how good external situations could be, it wouldn't make me feel happy or satisfied anymore - e.g., If I had a bunch of money, it wouldn't make any difference - I'd still be just as damaged.  Everything seems to be just geared towards waiting until my body heals. 

 

some days I feel like self-euthanasia - just to end it.  Like it would be more ethical to euthanize me than it would be to keep me alive.  I used to work with animals in my previous life before the meds took it away, and sometimes we'd have to decide whether or not it would be most ethical to just euthanize the animal or not (e.g., some sort of egregious infection, loss of limbs, some accident, neck injury, etc).  I often think that if I was an investigator and saw myself, I'd lean towards euthanasia.  :(  I'm "sad" today - just feel quite hopeless.  I should feel better - I'm doing quite well these days compared to a year ago, but still don't feel fulfilled.  Don't worry - I won't euthanize myself, but it's on my mind a lot. I remember how good my life used to be and it makes me feel so defeated.  I had so much promise, so much prestige, popularity, everything - I was a bit depressed and anxious, but I had a good life.  And BAM in 5 months that all changed.  2 years later more and more of my old connections and potential slough away like dying leaves of a tree in a cold November breeze.

 

I hope my post didn't make you sad :(

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Vonnegutjunky

Osk- I'm not sad - I feel comforted - I know some of what you wrote resonated so deep in my soul - my lack of ability to self soothe - the fact that I am 100% forever changed by this experience - having a glimpse into Dantes inferno - the idea of what hell is or maybe a peek into what a person with psychosis suffers through - my mother had schizophrenia and my worst fear as a child was getting it- lucky I only ever had an anxiety disorder but her illness paved the way for my profession - I always had such a deep desire to understand her and her suffering- I can't say my wd is comparable to schizophrenia- but I do now wonder about some of her symptoms and how much was due to biology or medication - either Side effects or wd - my mom often would stop her meds ct due to side effects - it makes me now think of her behavior and sometimes her blank stares or he lack of humor at times-

 

I don't want to be euthanized- but I think of dying everyday- I know I wouldn't kill myself, but I have been praying for cancer - I hope I get cancer - then I could focus on the treatments - be on hard drugs and then die soon- with my luck it would be a slow growing cancer ???? my mom died of esophageal cancer - she didn't suffer much at all- she dies within 9 mos of her diagnosis- it would be welcome distraction from these feelings everyday

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LoveandLight

Beautiful writing both of you..

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oskcajga

Osk- I'm not sad - I feel comforted - I know some of what you wrote resonated so deep in my soul - my lack of ability to self soothe - the fact that I am 100% forever changed by this experience - having a glimpse into Dantes inferno - the idea of what hell is or maybe a peek into what a person with psychosis suffers through - my mother had schizophrenia and my worst fear as a child was getting it- lucky I only ever had an anxiety disorder but her illness paved the way for my profession - I always had such a deep desire to understand her and her suffering- I can't say my wd is comparable to schizophrenia- but I do now wonder about some of her symptoms and how much was due to biology or medication - either Side effects or wd - my mom often would stop her meds ct due to side effects - it makes me now think of her behavior and sometimes her blank stares or he lack of humor at times-

 

I don't want to be euthanized- but I think of dying everyday- I know I wouldn't kill myself, but I have been praying for cancer - I hope I get cancer - then I could focus on the treatments - be on hard drugs and then die soon- with my luck it would be a slow growing cancer my mom died of esophageal cancer - she didn't suffer much at all- she dies within 9 mos of her diagnosis- it would be welcome distraction from these feelings everyday

 

 

Osk- I'm not sad - I feel comforted - I know some of what you wrote resonated so deep in my soul - my lack of ability to self soothe - the fact that I am 100% forever changed by this experience - having a glimpse into Dantes inferno - the idea of what hell is or maybe a peek into what a person with psychosis suffers through - my mother had schizophrenia and my worst fear as a child was getting it- lucky I only ever had an anxiety disorder but her illness paved the way for my profession - I always had such a deep desire to understand her and her suffering- I can't say my wd is comparable to schizophrenia- but I do now wonder about some of her symptoms and how much was due to biology or medication - either Side effects or wd - my mom often would stop her meds ct due to side effects - it makes me now think of her behavior and sometimes her blank stares or he lack of humor at times-

 

I don't want to be euthanized- but I think of dying everyday- I know I wouldn't kill myself, but I have been praying for cancer - I hope I get cancer - then I could focus on the treatments - be on hard drugs and then die soon- with my luck it would be a slow growing cancer my mom died of esophageal cancer - she didn't suffer much at all- she dies within 9 mos of her diagnosis- it would be welcome distraction from these feelings everyday

 

I can't really respond to your comment right now with the intellectual vigor I'd like to - but I just wanted to say that I really appreciated what you said.  You're a deep thinker with a big heart.

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Vonnegutjunky

Thank you osc- I am grateful to have people at this forum to make me feel alive and understood - so many people on this site are beautiful souls - ❤ I read somewhere -maybe it was on here - those with the best neural plasticity have the worst wd symptoms - but that also means they are the ones to heal completely- I think we are the most complex ones and that makes us so sensitive to boldly changes - we are dynamic and creative and introspective- and when that is robbed of us we really feel it- we are changed - ✨✨

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strongereachday

Ive been so ******* angry this week. so ******* angry

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HopeforBetter1110

Osk- I'm not sad - I feel comforted - I know some of what you wrote resonated so deep in my soul - my lack of ability to self soothe - the fact that I am 100% forever changed by this experience - having a glimpse into Dantes inferno - the idea of what hell is or maybe a peek into what a person with psychosis suffers through - my mother had schizophrenia and my worst fear as a child was getting it- lucky I only ever had an anxiety disorder but her illness paved the way for my profession - I always had such a deep desire to understand her and her suffering- I can't say my wd is comparable to schizophrenia- but I do now wonder about some of her symptoms and how much was due to biology or medication - either Side effects or wd - my mom often would stop her meds ct due to side effects - it makes me now think of her behavior and sometimes her blank stares or he lack of humor at times-

 

I don't want to be euthanized- but I think of dying everyday- I know I wouldn't kill myself, but I have been praying for cancer - I hope I get cancer - then I could focus on the treatments - be on hard drugs and then die soon- with my luck it would be a slow growing cancer my mom died of esophageal cancer - she didn't suffer much at all- she dies within 9 mos of her diagnosis- it would be welcome distraction from these feelings everyday

I struggle with these death thoughts, too. I want to die every day, but would never kill myself. I guess I'm more scared of failing at it and being worse off than I am now. My mother passed away from lung cancer that metastasized (one of the reasons I've struggled so much)...and I've thought, too, that maybe cancer could be my way out. I get scared that I will get cancer, but only after I've finally figured out how to be happy and actually feel alive. I have struggled my whole life and withdrawal is making me feel like there is just no hope. Of course I want to live, but it seems like doing anything more than surviving is not likely for me. I read all of these posts to try and hold onto hope, but as I start approaching 2 years of hitting tolerance and dealing with withdrawal...I just feel like I have little energy to keep going anymore.

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LoveandLight

So sorry you feel like this Dadeen,,it's really sad..

 

Hoping for more for you than just surviving.

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Adagiooo

Dadeen8, I'm very sorry you're struggling so badly and I hope you find peace and healing soon.

 

I want to point something out to you though. Your signature says you are currently taking compazine as needed for nausea. I just want to make sure you know that compazine is an antipsychotic. It's not used very often these day as an antipsychotic but at any dose and as a PRN too it is in fact an antipsychotic. That may be why you're having problems with depression and suicidal ideation. Even when taken periodically antipsychotics can really mess you up.

 

And Vonnejutjunky, I also want to point out that not all psychosis is the scary type. Persecutory psychosis, when you think a person, persons or organizations are trying to harm you or kill you and are following you, listening to you, watching you, reading your mind, inserting thoughts into your head, telling you to do harmful things to others, etc. can be quite terrifying. But delusions of grandeur like thinking you have the power to control world events or that you are somehow directly connected to God or Jesus or that you're on a mission to save the world and have special powers to read other people's thoughts and feelings can be quite pleasant. I felt more whole and spiritually connected to the earth and a higher power when I felt those things than I ever have in my life. In fact, I mourn the loss of that state of mind. I felt truly alive and connected to every other person on this earth. It wasn't scary at all. I tell you this just to reassure you that your mother may not have been suffering all the time. And I'm sure you know that she probably kept going off of her drugs (I don't use the term medications because these drugs are not medicine) because of the terrible, terrible side effects.

 

Be well all and peace of mind to all who are suffering.

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Adagiooo

...also, with most types of psychosis there is a deep level of secrecy involved for the person experiencing it. He or she usually believes if they tell anyone of their beliefs there could be catastrophic consequences which could explain her blank stares and lack of humor. Although I would probably chalk the lack of humor up to the flat affect created in a person because of medications.

 

I would much rather be experiencing the type of psychosis where I have delusions of grandeur than be experiencing what I'm experiencing now on these toxic drugs.

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