AliceBauer 5 different meds in 6 months now withdrawing after negative response

[AliceBauer]

Hello

 

(just to start off my username isnt my real name. I just couldnt think of anything creative so I made up a name that sounded real)

 

This will be long so be forewarned lol

 

   Ive been off and on AD's since I was a teenager. Ive been diagnosed with a handful of things. Once by a therapist who just took advantage of my naivety and I later realized (with a different, trustworthy counselor) she spent 2 hours a week every week for 6 months brainwashing me. The three that stuck were major depression, generalized anxiety, and adjustment disorder.  
 After my first child was born, I had some major changes and big life events (husband deployed to Afghanistan, parents divorced when I arrived home to stay with them while he was deployed, along with some other big things). My husbands deployment was cut short when his father almost died and we moved back to California where he was stationed. I went into a major depressive episode and responded to treatment with Zoloft. After I had been on it for a couple years, I was in a very healthy spot in life and went through the tapering and withdrawal process. 4 months after I successfully weaned off of Zoloft, my husband and I had a falling out with the place we were interning for ministry. It felt like a massive death. Our friendships went south and we realized we were probably never going to be used the way we thought we were going to be at this place. This lead to a decision to look for a new job for my husband (who was no longer in the military at this point). My husband was then hired as a pastor of a small church in a small town. To give you an idea the town we moved to has 1200 people in it and the church we left now probably has 1300 people. Neither of us have ever lived in a small town so it was a huge change and I did not want to go so I drug my feet the whole way.

      The first 3.5 months we lived in this small town we did not have a home. We were always provided places to stay but we were essentially homeless and I stayed home with my two young daughters. During the time we didnt have our own home our youngest daughter almost died due to a virus and went into respiratory failure in front of my husband and I. All of this triggered another big episode for me. I began not sleeping, weeping constantly, and I lost a ton of weight as well as hair. After "toughing it out" for a couple months, I decided I should probably see the doctor because I hadnt slept much at all for weeks on end and I was beginning to jumble my words and not make sense as well as not remember anything. So January of this year I began a wretched process of trying different meds...a path I wish I never ventured down again.

    I started on Zoloft which I had success with in the past. We bumped up my dose every week to three weeks and the higher I got, the worse things got. It finally got to the point where I was having paralysis of my left arm, dissociation, depersonalization, massive memory loss, full body tremor, and visual disturbances. After four months of waiting for "response," we decided to do a med change. We switched from 150 mg Zoloft to 10 mg Lexapro. The first two weeks in, I seemed to be improving. The paralysis improved, the tremor improved, my vision improved, and my head cleared. But then all of the same things began popping back up. Doctor and I thought it must be from anxiety, so thought to add buspar which further worsened my visual disturbances. We discontinued the buspar relatively quickly. We tried to bump up the lexapro but I couldnt tolerate it and immediately moved down to 5 mg(simply because that was all I had) and i was shocked at how much all of my negative side effects went down. So the doctor decided we should try a different class all together and maybe eventually stop the Lexapro. We started Depakote 125 mg twice daily while I was on the 5 mg of Lexapro. I did fine with the Depakote until my hair started to fall out again....but compared to the other drugs it wasnt as harsh. I was still having the visual disturbances (visual snow and a ton of floaters) and I blamed the lexapro for it so we tried a different class of AD's- amitriptyline. The doctor started me on 75 mg which seemed like a lot to me...but I blindly followed orders and took it for 6 days. I immediately noticed my vision worsening but I thought maybe it would improve and I needed to be patient. But every day it worsened. I now suffer from visual snow, scheeres phenomenon, after images, trailing, shaking vision, and more. I finally said enough...what the heck am I doing to myself?! and I stopped it all.      Tomorrow marks one month since I have been off of everything. My confusion and memory problems and sleep problems have all improved which is wonderful. I can think pretty clearly again. But I am left with this wrecked vision. Since I stopped I have had an increase in floaters and now have flashes of lights in my peripheral vision. And of course Im going to some pretty intense withdrawal. I vomited for over two weeks. Now I am to the point where I am so so angry. Im angry at myself for going back to the drugs after spending so much time getting off of them. I try not to but I blame myself for my vision. Which I fear my never come all the way back. I think I experienced my first "window" last week as I am learning that they are called. Which was wonderful. The visual issues were still there but I was feeling happy and a lot like my old self. Im in a wave again right now and like I said angry and sad. Very sad. I am very glad I found this site. Im struggling with some depersonalization some times, crazy anger, and I feel like my perception isnt clear. I always think people are being short with me when they actually arent. 

   Thankfully we are moving from this tiny town back home with our families. I am looking forward to that very much because I think it will help me heal. Anyone suffer the visual stuff as well? Any encouragement or advice is welcomed.

 

[pug]

Alice,

Welcome to the place where we can get help and heal together. Other wise folks will be along soon to offer advice and encouragement.

[AliceBauer]

Hi pug.

   Thanks for your response. I really appreciate it!

[oskcajga]

Hello

 

(just to start off my username isnt my real name. I just couldnt think of anything creative so I made up a name that sounded real)

 

This will be long so be forewarned lol

 

   Ive been off and on AD's since I was a teenager. Ive been diagnosed with a handful of things. Once by a therapist who just took advantage of my naivety and I later realized (with a different, trustworthy counselor) she spent 2 hours a week every week for 6 months brainwashing me. The three that stuck were major depression, generalized anxiety, and adjustment disorder.  

 After my first child was born, I had some major changes and big life events (husband deployed to Afghanistan, parents divorced when I arrived home to stay with them while he was deployed, along with some other big things). My husbands deployment was cut short when his father almost died and we moved back to California where he was stationed. I went into a major depressive episode and responded to treatment with Zoloft.

 

After I had been on it for a couple years, I was in a very healthy spot in life and went through the tapering and withdrawal process. 4 months after I successfully weaned off of Zoloft, my husband and I had a falling out with the place we were interning for ministry. It felt like a massive death. Our friendships went south and we realized we were probably never going to be used the way we thought we were going to be at this place. This lead to a decision to look for a new job for my husband (who was no longer in the military at this point). My husband was then hired as a pastor of a small church in a small town. To give you an idea the town we moved to has 1200 people in it and the church we left now probably has 1300 people. Neither of us have ever lived in a small town so it was a huge change and I did not want to go so I drug my feet the whole way.

 

 

      The first 3.5 months we lived in this small town we did not have a home. We were always provided places to stay but we were essentially homeless and I stayed home with my two young daughters. During the time we didnt have our own home our youngest daughter almost died due to a virus and went into respiratory failure in front of my husband and I. All of this triggered another big episode for me. I began not sleeping, weeping constantly, and I lost a ton of weight as well as hair. After "toughing it out" for a couple months, I decided I should probably see the doctor because I hadnt slept much at all for weeks on end and I was beginning to jumble my words and not make sense as well as not remember anything. So January of this year I began a wretched process of trying different meds...a path I wish I never ventured down again.

 

 

    I started on Zoloft which I had success with in the past. We bumped up my dose every week to three weeks and the higher I got, the worse things got. It finally got to the point where I was having paralysis of my left arm, dissociation, depersonalization, massive memory loss, full body tremor, and visual disturbances. After four months of waiting for "response," we decided to do a med change. We switched from 150 mg Zoloft to 10 mg Lexapro. The first two weeks in, I seemed to be improving. The paralysis improved, the tremor improved, my vision improved, and my head cleared. But then all of the same things began popping back up. Doctor and I thought it must be from anxiety, so thought to add buspar which further worsened my visual disturbances. We discontinued the buspar relatively quickly. We tried to bump up the lexapro but I couldnt tolerate it and immediately moved down to 5 mg(simply because that was all I had) and i was shocked at how much all of my negative side effects went down. So the doctor decided we should try a different class all together and maybe eventually stop the Lexapro.

 

We started Depakote 125 mg twice daily while I was on the 5 mg of Lexapro. I did fine with the Depakote until my hair started to fall out again....but compared to the other drugs it wasnt as harsh. I was still having the visual disturbances (visual snow and a ton of floaters) and I blamed the lexapro for it so we tried a different class of AD's- amitriptyline. The doctor started me on 75 mg which seemed like a lot to me...but I blindly followed orders and took it for 6 days. I immediately noticed my vision worsening but I thought maybe it would improve and I needed to be patient. But every day it worsened. I now suffer from visual snow, scheeres phenomenon, after images, trailing, shaking vision, and more. I finally said enough...what the heck am I doing to myself?! and I stopped it all.      Tomorrow marks one month since I have been off of everything. My confusion and memory problems and sleep problems have all improved which is wonderful. I can think pretty clearly again. But I am left with this wrecked vision.

 

 

Since I stopped I have had an increase in floaters and now have flashes of lights in my peripheral vision. And of course Im going to some pretty intense withdrawal. I vomited for over two weeks. Now I am to the point where I am so so angry. Im angry at myself for going back to the drugs after spending so much time getting off of them. I try not to but I blame myself for my vision. Which I fear my never come all the way back. I think I experienced my first "window" last week as I am learning that they are called. Which was wonderful. The visual issues were still there but I was feeling happy and a lot like my old self. Im in a wave again right now and like I said angry and sad. Very sad. I am very glad I found this site. Im struggling with some depersonalization some times, crazy anger, and I feel like my perception isnt clear. I always think people are being short with me when they actually arent. 

 

 

   Thankfully we are moving from this tiny town back home with our families. I am looking forward to that very much because I think it will help me heal. Anyone suffer the visual stuff as well? Any encouragement or advice is welcomed.

 

If the major complaint you have from that experience are vision issues, I think you should consider yourself extremely lucky.  Those vision problems will go away with time.  As will the rest of your symptoms. 

 

Again, from what you describe your symptoms seem relatively mild, and I'd guess that they'll all go away 100% in 1 years time, probably less.

 

Just hang in there and obviously don't go back on any meds again for the rest of your life.

 

You will most likely not be able to drink alcohol or do any drugs of any kind of a long time (years and years), or it can risk exacerbating or making worse the symptoms you already have.  This can be pretty tough for some people - but it's essential in order to fully recover.

 

Cheers,

Osk

[Altostrata]

Welcome, AliceBauer.

 

It sounds to me like your system does not get along well with serotonergics. Along the line, it became sensitized to interference by psychiatric drugs in general.

 

Basically, all we can do about post-withdrawal symptoms is to let time do the healing. This can be very gradual and take many months or years. Doctors know next to nothing about these iatrogenic symptoms.

 

Many people do better with fish oil and magnesium supplements, see
http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/
http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1300-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/
 

What other withdrawal symptoms do you have? See our Symptoms and Self-care forum for suggestions about how to cope with symptoms.
 

[AliceBauer]

Thank you all for your replies. I have a lot of them. I go from severe depression to intense anxiety as well as the depersonalization and derealization. Brain zaps, hot flashes, intense anger, suicidal thinking, head pressure, head noise, nightmares, panic, confusion, jumbled speech, sometimes I do weird things like write letters backwards...  After reading some of the other situations on here and seeing that some people become bedridden for lengths of time I do see that my withdrawal is less damaging than others. However for me it has really stolen a lot of life from me. I never got on top of my depression so stopping cold turkey, throw in the withdrawal with what was already underlying there and its been tough. Thank you for the tip about magnesium and fish oil! I will look into getting that. I really appreciate finding this site!

 

Thanks!