Moderator Emeritus Rhiannon Posted August 2, 2011 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted August 2, 2011 I need a hug. Virtual hugs maybe. Some encouragement and cheerleading. Just feeling extra crappy. I know it's just withdrawal but that doesn't help, I just feel crappy, hopeless about my future, like I'll never get off these drugs and what if when I get off of them I still feel just as crappy as ever? Also feeling that weird thing I get where I feel socially unconnected, like nobody could possibly ever like me or want to be my friend. And like everyone else is living in this other, normal world that I stand on the outside of. And sad and hopeless. Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010. Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea. Feb 15 2010: 300 mg Neurontin 200 Lamictal 10 Celexa 0.65 Xanax and 5 mg Ambien Feb 10 2014: 62 Lamictal 1.1 Celexa 0.135 Xanax 1.8 Valium Feb 10 2015: 50 Lamictal 0.875 Celexa 0.11 Xanax 1.5 Valium Feb 15 2016: 47.5 Lamictal 0.75 Celexa 0.0875 Xanax 1.42 Valium 2/12/20 12 0.045 0.007 1 May 2021 7 0.01 0.0037 1 Feb 2022 6 0!!! 0.00167 0.98 2.5 mg Ambien Oct 2022 4.5 mg Lamictal (off Celexa, off Xanax) 0.95 Valium Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angie007 Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 Hi Rhi, So sorry you feel crappy hun, but i feel crappy too, so maybe we can feel crappy together lol, and of course you know that the way your feeling is down to coming off thee drugs, and there aint an ounce of truth in anything that your feeling right now. Just wanted to pop by with a HUG for you, and to let you know your not alone, we will get past this stage both of us - promise. Hope you feel better soon x Began taking 30mg Seroxat on 15th Jan 1997 for grief issues. Remained at that dosage until Dec 05, did doctor ct, akathesia set in along with being non functional and overly emotional, brain fog. Doctor prescribed prozac, propranelol and diazeapam to counteract side effects, and told me to ct those 3 after 2.5/3 months use, induced wd seizure on 2nd day after ct. Was reinstated on seroxat 20mg in april 06, remained at that dose until Nov 07 and began a very slow taper lasting 56 months, finally DRUG FREE on 11th may 2011. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ucfgemini Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 I know how you feel! I go through that all the time. It depresses me watching everyone around me (including my husband) live this normal life free of emotional baggage. It upsets me that I can't watch horror movies or even sad movies without having a freakin emotional breakdown, lol. It bothers me that I can't travel without such severe anxiety I don't leave the hotel room, etc. It's always nice to see you're not alone and you're definitely not alone! Extreme fear of death since I can remember/ severe anxiety as a child/ first panic at 10 which lasted about two months and reoccurred three years later and again four years later with each episode lasting months/ started paxil in 1997, switched to zoloft around 2002 then to effexor in 2004 for a month then to lexapro which I remained on until three weeks ago. Last dose taken three weeks ago. Just beginning to experience reoccurring anxiety , OCD and depression.P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angie007 Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 My word ucfgemini, couldnt have put that any better at all, how true and im sure all of us here understand that feeling only too well, must have been a crappy day for at least 3 of us today at least. hope tomorrows better for us all. Began taking 30mg Seroxat on 15th Jan 1997 for grief issues. Remained at that dosage until Dec 05, did doctor ct, akathesia set in along with being non functional and overly emotional, brain fog. Doctor prescribed prozac, propranelol and diazeapam to counteract side effects, and told me to ct those 3 after 2.5/3 months use, induced wd seizure on 2nd day after ct. Was reinstated on seroxat 20mg in april 06, remained at that dose until Nov 07 and began a very slow taper lasting 56 months, finally DRUG FREE on 11th may 2011. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Emeritus Baxter Posted August 2, 2011 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted August 2, 2011 Hey, everybody who is feeling crappy. This too shall pass. We will feel better (and crappy too) as time goes by. Hang in. hugs to everybody 1989 - 1992 Parnate* 1992-1998 Paxil - pooped out*, oxazapam, inderal 1998 - 2005 Celexa - pooped out* klonopin, oxazapam, inderal *don't remember doses 2005 -2007 Cymbalta 60 mg oxazapam, inderal, klonopin Started taper in 2007: CT klonopin, oxazapam, inderal (beta blocker) - 2007 Cymbalta 60mg to 30mg 2007 -2010 July 2010 - March 2018 on hiatus due to worsening w/d symptoms, which abated and finally disappeared. Then I stalled for about 5 years because I didn't want to deal with W/D. March 2018 - May 2018 switch from 30mg Cymbalta to 20mg Celexa 19 mg Celexa October 7, 2018 18 mg Celexa November 5, 2018 17 mg Celexa December 2, 2019 16 mg Celexa January 6, 2018 15 mg Celexa March 7, 2019 14 mg Celexa April 24, 2019 13 mg Celexa June 28, 2019 12.8 mg Celexa November 10, 2019 12.4 Celexa August 31, 2020 12.2 Celexa December 28, 2020 12 mg Celexa March 2021 11 mg Celexa February 2023 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maybe Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 That's it Baxter. We should always remind ourselves that feeling crappy is a temporary state in wd and that it will again become better in time! As hard as it is sometimes... End of 2008: Remeron 15mg for around 2 months. Unorthodox taper, no problems.End of August 2009: Lexapro 10mg for only 4 days. Panic attack after 3 pills. Severe gastro problems in the morning for 3 days after last pill. 2 weeks later strong w/d symptoms set in. Acute WD lasted around 3.5 years. I am feeling much better today, 5.5 years out, but still have some symptoms left. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claudius Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 Hugs from me too Rhi, as you know we have some common stories. And though I am off the drug, I still feel crappy most of the time now after almost 4 years! And that makes it very hard to have confidence in the future. But I guess going back to a drug is no option, I would even consider it if I would have a good, knowing and capable doctor but there is no one available. Most will tell us to restart and never stop anymore... So living day by day is the only option and pray for ongoing support. I think we will finally heal from this but it takes a very bog part of our lifes. 10 mg Paxil/Seroxat since 2002 several attempts to quit since 2004 Quit c/t again Oktober 2007, in protracted w/d since then after 3.5 years slight improvement but still on the road after 6 years pretty much recovered but still some nasty residual sypmtons after 8.5 years working again on a 90% base and basically functioning normally again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Punarbhava Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 Hi Rhi..... Sending you and everyone in this thread compassionate, understanding and heartfelt virtual hugs. I could use one as well TBH since, it's a crappy day for me as well however, not as crappy of a day as my crappy days used to be (lol). I'm grateful that I'm no longer immersed in violent, raw, survival mode but with that said, I can very much relate to all you are feeling. We ARE socially disconnected and everyone else IS living a "normal" life and we ARE standing on the outside. IMHO, what you are experiencing is normal, given the circumstances you are in. You are identifying the reality of our existence during WD. I don't know if this will help (since different things work for different people) but I try to view this time as an opportunity to get real about the reality of life in general. I minimize my pain by focusing on the fact that others may APPEAR to be living a whole life but that's not always the reality. Most people feel disconnected and alienated from themselves and consequently feel little connection to others and the world around them. I know so many people who have everything that anyone could ever want and yet, they are seriously unhappy, ungrateful, never satisified or content. I don't envy that for one moment. It saddens me to see that despite having everything, they feel connected to nothing. Every human being is on a quest for "connection" but few actually feel this connection despite being surrounded by a sea of people. I believe that our greatest challenge in life is to find similar souls to connect with. This is a challenge at the best of times but somehow I believe that finding connection with such people can be far more possible during these times of WD, IF we are willing to be vulnerable (as you have just allowed yourself to be) since, being authentic will do one of two things: attract similar souls or repel those who are dissimilar. I'm learning and need to remind myself to embrace those who repel my situation since, they are, in essence, revealing a truth to me (although painful) and this truth provokes me to shed any unhealthy or unrealistic fantasies and/or expectations that I may have about life and/or certain people. It's clearing out the toxic and emotional clutter, confusion and illusions of my life that need to be removed. The removal process (whether voluntary or involuntary) is necessary and in the end, is for my greater good (even though it feels very painful at the time and may not fully understand nor wish to feel the pain of it at the time). However, in the end, it provokes me to shed that which needs to be stripped and to move in a new direction ALONE (for a while). As you know, as revealed in your post, it's a lonely journey but only for awhile Rhi. BTW, while I understand and can agree with a large part of your post I will take the liberty of disagreeing with one of your thoughts re: "nobody could possibly ever like me or want to be my friend". While I do understand how one can have such an internal feeling, I wish to assure you that you are NOT viewed in the manner in which you presently perceive. There are people on this forum, myself included, who greatly value your presence and your contributions and feel connected to you because of WHO YOU ARE. Your spirit is reflected in your posts. In fact, your post has created connections. I feel connected to you because of your honesty. I understand the sadness and hopelessness you have articulated. Experienced it many times during the many long years of repeated psyche drug WD experiences but I'm coming through to the other side Rhi and you will too! I will admit that I don't have a clear direction........everything before me seems new, challenging, uncertain since I have to rebuild everything and it seems overwhelming and scary however, I reassure myself that the past in no longer beside me. If I must move forward alone it's better than carrying the baggage, people and dsyfunctions of the past into my future. You are an incredibly strong, and courageous person. You likely feel no comfort in hearing such words though (which I can understand) since, I'm sure you'd rather feel weaker and connected rather than stronger but alone. But try to remind yourself that you are navigating through a difficult and painful journey but there are huge rewards coming your way. As everyone has mentioned, this crap is temporary, although I do understand how it feels never-ending. We each reach stages where we feel depleted, resilience wears thin and the aloneness factor only makes things more painful. You're going to make it to the other side of all this as I have. When you do you will move back into life with a greater degree of clarity because of this experience. I find that one cannot receive clarity without first going through confusion. One cannot form meaningful connections without first enduring feelings of serious disconnection. One cannot find authentic fullness without first feeling profound emptiness. I can go on about this but you get the drift. In other words, I reassure myself with the reality that one cannot experience lasting balance without first becoming seriously imbalanced. Please know that I'm not trying to preach but rather, share that I believe pain can bring forth beauty and you're doing this by not remaining silent. Silence will stifle this possibility and I think you are, not only brave to share your vulnerability but also wise. As you know, it's not easy doing so. In fact, you're braver than I am and you are teaching me something valuable by posting your thoughts. So, thank you Rhi. Believe it or not, you have helped me as well as others, by posting your thoughts and asking for what you need. In fact, I feel connection to everyone in this thread since, I understand everyone's pain, needs, desires, hopes etc. I'm here to tell you and others, that I have won the psyche drug war (multiple times) and I'm now on my way home. In fact, each dose reduction you make is bringing you closer to home Rhi. Everyone in this thread, same thoughts go out to you as well. Each day, no matter how crappy, violent or ugly the day is, it's bringing you closer to peace. BTW, you are entitled to your feelings and your needs. You're human and that's okay. This whole recovery process involves losing ourselves, many times over, but we do discover corners of our soul that we never knew needed attention and/or tending to. Now's the time to learn to honour these new discoveries. Your post was an overt intention to honour yourself. You should be proud! The Force IS With You! Punarbhava To Face My Trials with "The Grace of a Woman Rather Than the Grief of a Child". (quote section by Veronica A. Shoffstall) Be Not Afraid of Growing Slowly. Be Afraid of Only Standing Still. (Chinese Proverb) I Create and Build Empowerment Within Each Time I Choose to Face A Fear, Sit with it and Ask Myself, "What Do I Need to Learn?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summer Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 I need a hug. Virtual hugs maybe. Some encouragement and cheerleading. Just feeling extra crappy. I know it's just withdrawal but that doesn't help, I just feel crappy, hopeless about my future, like I'll never get off these drugs and what if when I get off of them I still feel just as crappy as ever? Also feeling that weird thing I get where I feel socially unconnected, like nobody could possibly ever like me or want to be my friend. And like everyone else is living in this other, normal world that I stand on the outside of. And sad and hopeless. Rhi... this is only one day in your life. Tomorrow may be very different. People who have never heard of an AD or withdrawal have days when they need a hug, encouragement and cheerleading. It's called being human. You and I don't have the slightest idea how we'll feel once we are off these rotten ADs. Let's try to live in the NOW, which is something I'm working on but find so difficult to do. You just may feel wonderful once you are off the meds. Long before I ever knew what an AD was, I was sure no one would want to be my friend, and for sure, no significant other would be interested in me. After talking with my "girl friends" about this very subject, I found that most of us felt the same way at various times in our lives. Sending hugs and positive vibes for a much better day tomorrow! I like you very much! Your posts tell me you are a good person and someone I'd love to get to know. Wish you didn't live so far away... Charter Member 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrator Altostrata Posted August 3, 2011 Administrator Share Posted August 3, 2011 Hugs to you, Rhi, you are always welcome here. And hugs all around for everyone, you are very special people, look at what you're doing. Even though you might feel crappy, you have compassion for friends. Isn't this what life's about? This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner. "It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein All postings © copyrighted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gem Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 Hi Rhi, I felt like that so many times in my withdrawal, like there was no hope and I often felt very alone. I think it would be impossible not to feel disconnected to others when going through this. I found that this feeling of hopelessness really does improve as you get better and better. I still feel a bit disconnected due to the circumstances withdrawal has created in my life but I have much more of a sense of connection with others than I did. I don’t know if this will help just a little, but I used to think of others I knew who were going through withdrawal whom I had communicated with through the internet, to remind myself I wasn’t totally alone in the fight against these drugs. I hope this passes soon for you, Sending more hugs I came off Seroxat in August 2005 after a 4 month taper. I was initially prescibed a benzo for several months and then Prozac for 5 years and after that, Seroxat for 3 years and 9 months. "It's like in the great stories Mr.Frodo, the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn't want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end it's only a passing thing this shadow, even darkness must pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines it'll shine out the clearer." Samwise Gamgee, Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summer Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 Rhi... any better today? Thinking of you. Charter Member 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Emeritus Rhiannon Posted August 3, 2011 Author Moderator Emeritus Share Posted August 3, 2011 Thanks everybody... Not much better today but I think I might manage to get some exercise and that will probably help. Having bad agoraphobia, that's probably from the benzo part of my journey. I'm holding my taper and I know I'll feel better eventually. Down to 4.5 mg of Celexa anyway and going to hold that for a while. I guess I need to figure out how to put in a sig line so I can document all the meds I'm tapering. Anyway, the support and caring from all of you does help, at least I don't feel so alone, so thanks. Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010. Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea. Feb 15 2010: 300 mg Neurontin 200 Lamictal 10 Celexa 0.65 Xanax and 5 mg Ambien Feb 10 2014: 62 Lamictal 1.1 Celexa 0.135 Xanax 1.8 Valium Feb 10 2015: 50 Lamictal 0.875 Celexa 0.11 Xanax 1.5 Valium Feb 15 2016: 47.5 Lamictal 0.75 Celexa 0.0875 Xanax 1.42 Valium 2/12/20 12 0.045 0.007 1 May 2021 7 0.01 0.0037 1 Feb 2022 6 0!!! 0.00167 0.98 2.5 mg Ambien Oct 2022 4.5 mg Lamictal (off Celexa, off Xanax) 0.95 Valium Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrator Altostrata Posted August 3, 2011 Administrator Share Posted August 3, 2011 here ya go: Please put your withdrawal history in your signature This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner. "It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein All postings © copyrighted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angie007 Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 HI Rhi, Hugs for everyone on this thread, and pun congrats on that fabulous post, i read that and it instilled in me the confidence and positivity i was in need of Thank you very much, and congrats on having done this wd malarky more than once. Hope everyone who has had a rotten day feels so much better tomorrow, and remember guys, what special people we are, to have endured what we have, we will learn from all of this, and go on to be even better people than we are already. Hope everyone has an even better day tomorrow, and if we dont, then we will be here for each other to care and support and help pull each other through. Began taking 30mg Seroxat on 15th Jan 1997 for grief issues. Remained at that dosage until Dec 05, did doctor ct, akathesia set in along with being non functional and overly emotional, brain fog. Doctor prescribed prozac, propranelol and diazeapam to counteract side effects, and told me to ct those 3 after 2.5/3 months use, induced wd seizure on 2nd day after ct. Was reinstated on seroxat 20mg in april 06, remained at that dose until Nov 07 and began a very slow taper lasting 56 months, finally DRUG FREE on 11th may 2011. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alexjuice Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 Big HUGS, Rhi... I'm sorry about the way things are going for you right now. I know the feelings you're talking about. For me, it has sometimes been a huge challenge to even find a point to it all. But I've also found that, in this, nothing stays exactly the same for very long. I believe there will be better days for you ahead. I actually had an okay day today. I used to sometimes think okay days were a thing of the past. They're not, for me or you. And soon enough there will be good days even. Again, hugs. You should know I've appreciated everything you've shared on this site. You've helped me a lot. In fact, of all the people I've never met, you're one of my favorite. It sucks ...but hang in. Alex.i "Well my ship's been split to splinters and it's sinking fast I'm drowning in the poison, got no future, got no past But my heart is not weary, it's light and it's free I've got nothing but affection for all those who sailed with me. Everybody's moving, if they ain't already there Everybody's got to move somewhere Stick with me baby, stick with me anyhow Things should start to get interesting right about now." - Zimmerman Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stan Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 hi Rhi, it is a long long road, hell in the beginning, and with time better hell... and a day a reward, but i do not know what day for the reward... for anxiety 12 years paxil - cold turkey 1,5 month - switch celexa 1 year taper; total 13 years on brain meds 67 years old - 9 years med free in protracted withdrawal rigidity standing and walking, dryness gougerot-szoegren, sleep deteriorate, function as have a lack of nerves, improving have been very little Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrator Altostrata Posted August 5, 2011 Administrator Share Posted August 5, 2011 stan is so right, better hell ahead! This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner. "It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein All postings © copyrighted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nadia Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 Rhi, I know what you mean, too well, and I send you a great big hug. Though I hate that so many of us are having a hard time, it's good to know we are not alone. (I'm feeling pretty thankful for the internet right now!) '94-'08 On/off ADs. Mostly Zoloft & Wellbutrin, but also Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, etc.6/08 quit Z & W after tapering, awful anxiety 3 mos. later, reinstated.11/10 CTed. Severe anxiety 3 mos. later & @ 8 mos. much worse (set off by metronidazole). Anxiety, depression, anhedonia, DP, DR, dizziness, severe insomnia, high serum AM cortisol, flu-like feelings, muscle discomfort.9/11-9/12 Waves and windows of recovery.10/12 Awful relapse, DP/DR. Hydrocortisone?11/12 Improved fairly quickly even though relapse was one of worst waves ever. 1/13 Best I've ever felt. 3/13 A bit of a relapse... then faster and shorter waves and windows. 4/14 Have to watch out for triggers, but feel completely normal about 80% of the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Punarbhava Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 HI Rhi, Hugs for everyone on this thread, and pun congrats on that fabulous post, i read that and it instilled in me the confidence and positivity i was in need of Thank you very much, and congrats on having done this wd malarky more than once. I sincerely thank you Angie for taking the time to forward congrats to me! It means a lot and I'm so glad my progress is giving you the confidence to keep moving forward. You're doing a fine job Angie! Believe me, I know this isn't easy at all, especially after such a long taper but you ARE DRUG FREE and you WILL recover from all this. Being drug free and managing one's life (no matter how difficult) is a huge achievement. You need to be proud of yourself. Continue to hang in there and be good to yourself all along the way and someday this will be a distant memory. BTW, so Sorry, I didn't respond to your message sooner. I actually just became aware of it. Don't know how I missed it but I'm glad I saw it today. Continued Healing and Complete Recovery to You! Punar To Face My Trials with "The Grace of a Woman Rather Than the Grief of a Child". (quote section by Veronica A. Shoffstall) Be Not Afraid of Growing Slowly. Be Afraid of Only Standing Still. (Chinese Proverb) I Create and Build Empowerment Within Each Time I Choose to Face A Fear, Sit with it and Ask Myself, "What Do I Need to Learn?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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