LostInSpace: Help with Lexapro withdrawal :(

[LostInSpace]

Hello

 

I'm sure folks have written about very similar experiences before... thank you for your help.

 

From 1996 to 2014 I was on several medications.  I was abusing drugs as well.  In late 2014, I wanted to be off of all of them.  I now know it was a bad idea to stop them abruptly, but that's what I did.  I was on 10mg of Lexapro for 1.5 years, then 15mg for another 1.5 years.  I stopped it over about a 3 week period.  It didn't start to get really bad for several weeks.  The fight was absolutely horrendous.  The anxiety was horrific, the tinnitus got 10 times worse.  The depersonalization was so hard.  I started to get flu like symptoms which went on for weeks.  I developed terrible acid reflux and my throat looked raw.  I still have this kind of tension headache that radiates around my head, gums, roof of my mouth... everywhere.  I still have brain zaps, but they are mild now and in the front of my head.  I thought I was going crazy.  I did.  But it is ever so painfully slowly getting better.    

 

I don't have kids and work from home, but 9 months later now, I'm so tired of how slow this recovery is.  It is getting better, but at a snails pace.  I think it is anyways.  I have a lot going for me but I can't access it in this state of mind.  I REALLY don't want go back on the drug, but sometimes I wonder whether I should reinstate and then slowly wean off.  But that would just about make the last 9 months of horrendous fighting a waste of time.  I'm hunched over in my chair most of the day... sometimes slack jawed in disbelief.  I've had bad attacks while meeting with my boss whom I only see once every 2 weeks.  He's been patient but I can't imagine what he thinks of me.  I've looked terrible in front of him.  He watches me squirm in the chair while we're meeting.  Sometimes I can't elaborate on things at all, and normally I'm a good speaker with creative ideas.  It is torture.        

 

I push myself to go to the gym, but I have this kind of intense look in my eye.  I'm extremely nervous.  I'm borderline paranoid.  I was reading an article in another website where the writer mentioned there being waves and windows during recovery... that the withdrawal is a wave, and every once in awhile you might get a short window.  A look into the future of how it might be when you're free.  I think I've had a short window or two, but it was weeks ago.  I haven't experienced that since.

 

Should I stick it out?  I don't know  Life's a wasting... but I really don't want to go back on the drug.

 

Thank You

 

Aaron

[Sean]

Hey Aaron, welcome to the forum. The waves and windows you mention are something a lot of us are very familiar with. After a while, the waves will become shorter and the windows will become longer...so hang in there man!

 

I know the admins will be along with more information for you. I've only been on the forum for around a couple of weeks and already feel a sense of comfort knowing that I'm not alone going through this. The people here are really helpful and know so much more about withdrawals than any doctor I've spoken with throughout my almost 2 year journey.

[brassmonkey]

Hi Arron-- welcome to the group.  I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a tough time of it.  It really does seem to drag on for ever, makes it totally frustrating.  It looks to me like suffering WD from basically a CT withdrawal, t will take sometime to sort itself out, but it will happen.  We have some good threads here that will help you understand what is happening:

 

What is withdrawal syndrome?

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms

 

Tips for tapering off Lexapro (escitalopram)

 

It would be very helpful if you would add a signature block with the details what you have taken and how you quit.

 

Please put your withdrawal history in your signature         

Edited September 4, 2015 by Petunia
added url to signature link

[LostInSpace]

Hello,

 

This is so tough.  I really don't want to go back on... but what to do.  

[Hudgens]

I was off an anti depressant for about a year then reinstated 100% of the original dose, and felt fine again in just a few weeks. You might have a different experience, but I was OK. As you probably know, a cold turkey can result in years of suffering. You've got to decide how much suffering you want to go through without exactly knowing how much that will be.

[melanie]

Lexapro is a terrible drug... Don't give up. You have achieved so much. Things are gonna get better.

 

I used to up the dose because I deemed myself apathetic, lacking of energy, low functioning etc... It brought only madness. So I decreased the dose again. Currently, on this merry-go-round. I don't know how this will end.

 

But one thing I know - Lexapro is poison. I've been on 1.25 mg for a month and my only wish is. To break free, to have my brain healed again. Like some many many yrs ago. To have my motivation, my love of life and nature, my interests, my passion - back.

 

Mel

[LostInSpace]

Hudgens,

 

What SSRI were you on?  How were your symptoms after that year, were they not getting better at all?  Were you experiencing the waves and windows?  Or was it getting better but too slowly?

[LostInSpace]

Melanie,

 

It's been 9 months and I'm sure I have a long way to go.  But after reading these horror stories of people still having a lot of problems 5,6, 7 years down the road... it's really disheartening.  

 

I can do it, but I'm not sure if it's worth the loss of time.  I"m not sure if the reinstating will work, or how much I should try.  Or whether I should do it with Lexapro or another SSRI.

[bubble]

Hello LostinSpace,

 

reading your post reminded me a lot of my situation. The symptms you describe are almsot the same as the once I experienced when I stopped taking Lexapro (and xanax) two years ago. I couldn't tolerate them and couldn't imagine not to work so I reinstatated immediately although i desperately wanted off the drugs. (I still do).

 

Reinstatement helped me to become functional again (after some 4 months) and immediately reduced the severity of the symptoms. When I read what you describe, I can see what I would feel like had I not done that. I also had a feeling that I was losing my mind and going crazy literally, completely and for good. This was the worst horror of my life, like mortal fear.  

 

Brassmonkey gave you all the relevant links to inform your decision. This one is particularly important:

 

About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms

 

In a nutshell, reinstating after 9 months is a long shot. But there is a (slim) chance that reinstating only 1 mg could help. If there are any negative effects, you can stop immediately and it's too small to cause any harm. I don't think that 9 months of struggle would be lost: taking 1 mg is a lot different than taking 10 mg.

 

I admire your struggle and the way you work.

 

Best,

Bubble

[LostInSpace]

Thanks Bubbie

 

The drug companies infuriate me.  The doctors are just as bad.  I've been reading about this psychiatrist local to me... I read about his books, credentials, accomplishments, affiliations, etc. etc.  And when I meet with him... he is somewhere else.

 

I've been trying to listen to my vibes about reinstating, but they are currently in a warped state and not serving me that well.

 

How would I go about 1mg, liquid?

 

Is it worth trying to find a doctor that has any idea about this, or work on a very low dose and have them prescribe it to me?  Work on it myself... almost seems like the best bet.  

 

The doctors can't be trusted, and the ones I do trust don't have a clue.

 

Thanks,

 

Aaron

[bubble]

Making a liquid for getting at small doses is described here:

Tips for tapering off Lexapro (escitalopram)

 

It's very simple actually: you just let doctor prescribe you the drug (99 % of them know nothing baout tapering so it's a waste of time to explain it to them). Then you just buy a syringe and some small container. I'm currently taking 4.6 mg (down from 5 mg). I have a 5 ml syringe and a 10 ml syringe. I use 10 ml syringe to measure 10 ml of water. Suspend 10 mg of Lexapro and draw 4.6 ml to get 4.6 mg. For better precision at small doses some members make other combinations. But that's the idea.

 

A great explanation of the tragedy with psychiatric drugs is Anatomy of An Epidemic by Robert Whitaker. It explains how the drugs came about and why everybody including psychiatrists are so misinformed about them...

[LostInSpace]

What about just getting the liquid form? 

[melanie]

LostInSpace, congratulations on breaking free from this sh*tty, evil Lexapro! It's my ultimate goal. Keep holding on...

 

Mel

[LostInSpace]

Hello

 

I made an appointment with the doctor today.  I went in, told him about my withdrawal.  I told him exactly what I wanted, liquid form.  That's exactly what he prescribed.  I took 1 mg to reinstate... let's see how it goes.

 

Aaron

[gemini]

Aaron, I cold turkey ed off three meds 9 months ago and I am healing quickly, but my healing was at a snail's pace until month 7.5 and then I started healing at warp 9. Using my healing benchmarks as a barometer you can cd and not suffer years in protracted wd!!

[Altostrata]

Good to hear, Lost.

 

And good to hear from you, too, Gemini.

[gemini]

Hi alto. Thanks.

[gemini]

Lost, I feel that, at least for me, going throught the most horrific parts of wd and in it I became very suggestible and almost immune to my own sense of neurological direction e.g. two weeks of a window, a month of a wave, and then all of a sudden someone shouts "it's a manifestation of cold turkey in drugs " to which I think now no, it's not. Our sensitivities to these toxic meds are incredibly varied and affects us in complex compiulcated ways it's almost inexplicable so I've found it best to chart my own progress aND not give import to all claims of others who weaned off slowly.

[LostInSpace]

HI Gemini,

 

How long were on you Zoloft for?  Do you think the Latuda helped with your withdrawal?  That's confusing, your experience is the first I've heard where it all of a sudden started to improve really quickly... now I wonder if I made a mistake trying to reinstate.

 

Hi Alto,

 

What do you think?

 

Thanks!

[gemini]

Hi lost ,

 

This is just my experience yes and only my experience. I was on zoloft for a decade almost. Before that I was on many many other ssris (like most of us) as part of a cocktail. I've been poly drugged most of my life.

 

Why I healed so quickly after month 7 I do not know. I also believe that latuda jusT abated my acute depression I felt and nothing more. I am two weeks away from stopping it altogether, as I'm undergoing a taper and I feel better than I can remember, but also different. It's like I'm discovering a sense of self but an adult self.

[gemini]

Also, I could be in what we call a window, a long window. I cannot gauge until I've been through it.

[LostInSpace]

Thank you

[gemini]

How are you doing now?

[LostInSpace]

No change after the 1mg. Walking into gym soon... looking intense. Must push forward! Back in a bit.

[Altostrata]

Uh, I would not reinstate a drug and then go to the gym. I hope this is okay with your body.

[LostInSpace]

That was several hours ago. My body is conditioned. I'll play it by ear.

[Sean]

I found when I over exerted myself trying to workout, it made me feel worse during reinstating. I had to listen to my body and back off all together which drove me crazy since I was seeing great improvements with muscle gain and overall health.

 

This is my own personal experience, so just listen to your body. Re-instating took its toll on my body and brain at first. It still is taking its toll, but more so in the first few months or so.

[gemini]

I listened to my body and rested immense amounts and slept a lot. I believe it facilitated my healing

[LostInSpace]

Hi Sean,

 

Yah, I didn't feel any better (mentally) at the gym.  My body was fine, the workout was fine.  My mind was a bit more anxious then usual.  I probably should not have gone... but I REALLY don't want to stop going.  That's the only thing in my life that gets me anywhere near having any type of joy.  And I don't want to lose what I've built up.  I though the reinstating was supposed to help with the withdrawal, I didn't know i would have to go through another tough phase?  

 

What to do. 

[LostInSpace]

How can I edit my topic title?

[Sean]

It may be differnt for you. When I first reinstated, I hadn't found this site yet and was lost and had no answers. The doctors were completely clueless, so they started me at my original dosage...which is the complete opposite of what you're supposed to do. So I believe it should help with you starting low. It's just a very confusing time for your brain and nervous system as a whole, so it's something to keep in mind. I will say I feel a lot better now than I did this time a year ago. I was scared out of my mind to the point of crying in the car on my way home from work a lot of days. Now, I can watch the movie "The Notebook" and not she'd a tear! kidding!

[LostInSpace]

Ha... I'm glad you're doing better... you're on your way.  If 1mg is going to make me feel worse, I will stop it.  I can ride it out.  If it started alleviated the symptoms, I may have wanted to stay on it.  It made it a bit worse.  I got really tired at first, then popped back.  It made the tension headache a bit tighter.  I don't want to work through a phase of additional pain to potentially feel a little better?  I don't know, see how it goes tomorrow.  So far, not so good.  I know i'm supposed to be patient, but that's not one of my strong points.  9 months of terror with a total window of about 8-12 hours is really getting old.    

 

I really appreciate all the feedback.

[gemini]

Have You tried supplements?

[LostInSpace]

Yes, a lot of them. I've always been sensitive to supplements, but now it's much worse. I have adverse reactions too. St Johns Wort gave me psyhosis. Amino Acids gave me all kinds of bizarre reactions. I couldn't tolerate 5-htp or tryptophan. My brain is saying "no way!... no more!"

[Sean]

Have you tried magnesium for the tension in the neck? I believe Altostrata posted a link in my thread to info about it...I'll see if I can copy/paste it here. I've been using it the past couple of weeks and really have noticed a big improvement with the tension in my neck and headaches/migraines that I get.

[Sean]

Here ya go..this is the magnesium info

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1300-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/