intro from bells

[bells]

I started Seroxat at 16, 20mg and was on it for 2 years. I had some personal issues which I didn’t know how to deal with properly, became troublesome, ended up seeing a counsellor and it went from there. Initially I felt it helped a bit with my mood and then it stopped pretty quickly. But by then I had cut ties with mental health professionals, I was tired of their approach which I found unhelpful. My GP continued to prescribe it, I did mention that I didn’t feel it was helping (it’s in my medical records) yet somehow, I don’t know how exactly I kept taking it. I think that it was due to the fact that when I stopped it I felt very sick (nauseous, headache) and ignorantly thought it was safe and somehow helping me. There are a lot of things I didn’t know at that age. For the first 2 years on the drug I had no symptoms that I could then or now really attribute to it except for maybe one thing but I don't know how much of that was me or the drug, apart from that my health was perfect, I had no cognitive or physical symptoms.

 

2 years later I ended up on a psych ward very briefly and my medication was changed abruptly. Around maybe 2 months or less into the switch everything went to hell. I don’t do a good job of explaining myself but it was like physically and mentally I broke. I developed severe anxiety, morning panic, cognitive issues, a twitch in the corner of my mouth, co ordination problems, I couldn’t urinate properly, my skin became bad and a lot of other things. I had a disabling amount of anxiety from the moment I got up till I went to bed, if I had to make a phone call or speak to anyone it was a disaster. I resumed Seroxat after discontinuing the other medication with the dosage increased to 40mg for most of the next 3 ½/ 4 years which did little to help. Then I tried to come off too quickly again, reinstated, waited a couple months and then tapered off 20mg over the course of about 10 months. My last dose was in January of this year.

 

My second withdrawal seems like it’s had an aftershock effect on my already damaged system. Things got considerably worse in most aspects except for the anxiety. Now I feel retarded - my memory used to be excellent and was unaffected the first time round; but it is now atrocious, I can barely paraphrase something I hear or hold more than one thought it my head long enough to process whatever it is I’m trying to understand. I can’t articulate myself properly, when I write or speak it’s simplistic, like I‘m wading through cement trying to get somewhere with my thoughts. I never though I could be jealous of someone with a degree - I was the top of my class as a kid, scored in the top 15% for the entrance exams required to get a scholarship into the private school. I was always thinking, full of ideas/opinions, imagining and debating things. Now I am a university drop out and I don’t actually feel capable of doing a degree.

 

I feel like I have nothing left in me - I went through withdrawal once, I tried to adapt afterwards and went through intensive therapy, forcing myself to do things which were difficult and I hated. I had such a poor quality of life after I came off at 18, the only thing that kept me going was hope, trying alternative remedies and thinking somehow I would get to the root of what happened and I would be me again. Before I tried to come off for the second time I was the most stable I had been in years, I was working full time in a demanding environment, I was completing the course I needed to get into university to study the subject I wanted. I got my university place, knew exactly what I wanted to do for the next 6 years and then it all fell apart.

 

I hoped that once I came off completely things would improve but they didn’t all that much. I’m finding it so hard to deal with the fact that so much of what should have been the best years of my life has gone and so much of what I ever wanted I haven’t had and possibly never will. It wasn’t expected for me to turn out like this, people always used to tell me I had everything going for me but I didn‘t realize in many ways how fortunate I was. So many people on here seem to be dealing with this with dignity but I am being incredibly undignified, I don’t know how to try anymore, I just think about suicide all the time. I realise that bad things happen to people and you have to find some way to deal with it but I can’t or maybe I don’t want to, it feels like there’s little point. I still find it so hard to believe that Seroxat managed to do this when I think of all the things I could have done when I was younger to damage myself and my future, I never would have guessed it would be the thing to destroy me. Of all the things that people warn you about, things that could land you jail or hospital and I still think this is one of the very worst mistakes I could probably ever have made, I know people who were so much more reckless than me and they are all mostly all fine. I can’t believe this is my life.

[Claudius]

Bells, you story is shocking and pretty much resembles mine. I also started Seroxat because of anxiety and a feeling of failing in work and life, the difference is that I acually did feel a lot better when taking it but nevertheless wanted to get off afer 2 years. And found this ws impossible because of the nausea, the zaps and the diarrea. Just to enter a hellish state of reinstating, feeling good again, trying to get off again, getting sick again, etc. etc..

I am now 4 years off and definately getting better, although it is very slowly and I would never ever do a cold turkey again. You said you tapered in a year, my impression is that after getting off and back on a couple of times, it gets very VERY hard to get off, sometimes even while tapering slowly.

I think reinstating is no option in your case. There is no simple answar, I will never advice anyone to commit suicide. I was very close to it iether, several times, and thank to my mum and employer I did not do it. And am grateful for that because I feel that healing comes, even if it takes years.

I hope you have at least some support to oercome this period. I am sure the moderators will chime in to give you the best advice.

[Maybe]

Welcome to the board, Bells!

 

I also strongly would consider suicide if the state wer permanent. But it is not, it definitely will get better. I read about several severe cases that all got better with time and even healed completely! So the outlook it is not hopeless. And no one can tell you how long you will be feeling the way you do, this is maybe the heaviest burden we all have to bear.

[Altostrata]

bells, I am so glad you've come forward at last.

 

Your story is heartbreaking. It sounds like it was all due to withdrawal syndrome piled on withdrawal syndrome.

 

Please, hang in. You're not any less dignified than anyone else here. We all have our dark thoughts. The withdrawal syndrome you're continuing to suffer is exacerbating them. This will get better over time.

[ajay]

Dear Bells,

 

Welcome. I don't know if it helps to hear his, but I could cut and paste your last paragraph and post it as my own - I feel the same way.

 

I don't know how much of the despair/regret is real (a normal reaction to the lost time and opportunities) and how much of it is part of the withdrawal syndrome.

 

I definitely understand the suicidal thoughts. I hope you can hang on through them.

 

If my math is correct (I guess it's 'maths are' in the UK) then you're now about 22? You are still quite young. I hope this means that you will be able to recover more quickly, and you will definitely have time to go back to school. In the meantime, you just have to concentrate on healing.

 

Please tell us more about how you are doing.

[Gem]

Dear Bells,

 

I hear what you are saying; I still can’t believe sometimes, how much pain and damage Seroxat has caused. I remember being warned at school about street drugs and can only wish I had received the same warnings about antidepressants.

 

I was in a bad, bad state during a lot of my earlier withdrawal.

I also found it harder to express myself and couldn’t find the words, I remember feeling at the time that it was as though I couldn’t always access parts of my brain. I also found it hard to take in too much information, but have found all these areas have improved massively over time.

 

I’m so sorry about your course, I know it’s not much help now, but you may get the chance to take a degree later in life. You still have all that potential.

At points in my withdrawal, I used to think on the lines that I/my life had turned out badly, but this is so not true and it is not true of you either. This is not your fault and it is a situation (that I strongly believe is not permanent) caused by withdrawal, it is not who you are.

 

I think it is very, very understandable and extremely reasonable not to want to deal with going through withdrawal. I often used to feel like this and I also had dark thoughts. But I have found it is possible to experience a lot of healing and for things to improve greatly.

 

Please remember you are worth a lot and it really isn’t you at fault here.

[bells]

 

Welcome. I don't know if it helps to hear his, but I could cut and paste your last paragraph and post it as my own - I feel the same way.

 

I don't know how much of the despair/regret is real (a normal reaction to the lost time and opportunities) and how much of it is part of the withdrawal syndrome.

 

Yeah it does help, this seems very surreal at times. No one recognizes that this terrible thing happened to you and you're left with the fallout. I find that bit hard, my family thinking I'm a complete failure and not acknowledging what happened.

 

I don't know how much of it is withdrawal either but I've been feeling this way for some years now, grieving about the things I couldn't do and missed out on because of this. It's more intense now, I realize what I'm dealing with and there's no easy fix. Finally knowing it was down to the drug caused a lot of regret because although you can't change time I see it as something very unnecessary and avoidable which add to the anguish.

 

If my math is correct (I guess it's 'maths are' in the UK) then you're now about 22? You are still quite young. I hope this means that you will be able to recover more quickly, and you will definitely have time to go back to school. In the meantime, you just have to concentrate on healing.

I'm 25, it's not that old but I feel old, probably because of withdrawal and the fact that I'm not where I expected myself to be at this age.

 

Please tell us more about how you are doing.

I've barely been out of the house in the last 10 months, it feels like every day is the same, I don't feel like I'm getting any windows. The bad morning anxiety/feelings of doom have reduced a lot since I came off, I'm not as emotional as I was during my taper where I had the type of depression I've only read about (it felt like a physical pain). I still feel depressed but it's more about my circumstances and less intense.

 

Sorry for the late reply, thanks for all the messages.

[Altostrata]

bells, can you find purpose in being more of an online activist? This may help you get out of that morass.

 

What I've found is: It has been very, very hard to give up my dreams and my career, but what I need to do now is find a new direction with what I can do.

 

As you've seen, your condition has very gradually improved. Perhaps you can move a little further forward with a short-term purpose?

[bells]

bells, can you find purpose in being more of an online activist? This may help you get out of that morass.

 

What I've found is: It has been very, very hard to give up my dreams and my career, but what I need to do now is find a new direction with what I can do.

As you've seen, your condition has very gradually improved. Perhaps you can move a little further forward with a short-term purpose?

 

I know that some people do this, I admire it and I think it's a healthy way to focus your energy in withdrawal. And I'll risk sounding like I'm painting myself into a corner but I read a lot of the discussions that go on and the blogs and a lot of the time I'd like to contribute but I'm really bad at expressing what I want to say now and trying to, as I've done in the past, and failing really really pains me (I'm embarrassed to say how long it took me to write that intro properly).

 

The only thing I've been thinking about doing is volunteering for the Samaritans helpline, it's mostly a listening service and I would like to do it but there a few practicalities I'd need to deal with. It's hard to motivate myself, but I know I should do something useful or at least try.

 

What I've found is: It has been very, very hard to give up my dreams and my career, but what I need to do now is find a new direction with what I can do.

How does it feel to do that or get to that place? I can't ever imagine this pain going away, I can't see myself moving past it and adjusting - I can imagine trying to do it but I think I'd always still be deeply unhappy but maybe that has more to do with my personality.

[Altostrata]

It's hard, bells. You look at what you can do now, and move forward with that.

 

Whatever you do will open new doors for you, doors you couldn't imagine or foresee.

 

You write very well. Perhaps you can start a blog. You may be the voice of the Med Generation.

[angie007]

Hi Bells,

 

I to could have written certain parts of your intro here, think most of us have felt like that at certain stages of wd, i know i have, and sometimes still do,

but its true, suicide is never an option, too many improve and eventually recover, we have to have some positivity, determination to survive, and place all our, hopes, faith and trust

in others coming back to tell us that they have survived and either improved or recovered.

 

We will make it!!!!

Welcome to the forum by the way, good to have you here, and its good to talk to others who understand too.

[alexjuice]

Hi bells,

 

Welcome to the forum. I have some comments on your intro, but I first want to say I am glad you're here.

 

I started Seroxat at 16, 20mg and was on it for 2 years. I had some personal issues which I didn’t know how to deal with properly, became troublesome, ended up seeing a counsellor and it went from there.

 

I started on medication a couple of years older but also as a teenager. Looking back, I realize that of course I was having problems that I didn't have the answers to. This is because I was a teenager and teenagers don't know how to deal with everything properly. I've learned to not blame myself for starting... I was just a kid, I didn't know how to properly deal with much, certainly not complicated decisions about my health. I hope you are gentle with yourself in this same way. You've earned that right.

 

2 years later I ended up on a psych ward very briefly and my medication was changed abruptly. Around maybe 2 months or less into the switch everything went to hell. I don’t do a good job of explaining myself but it was like physically and mentally I broke.

 

A similar thing has happened to me, a couple of times. I understand that you are still suffering from this debacle, but I find your writing very lucid... Digression: I used to be smart and able, especially with words and writing. I am not right now. It takes me a very long time to write something more than a few words in length. I make embarrassing mistakes and my brain is not able to see them. I might review a post 10 times and I still am hurt by the errors and poorly expressed ideas I see when i reread my post 24 hrs later. There are others who have similar problems and they report that they DO improve....

 

Anyway, whenever I mention my crap ability to communicate people here tell me the same I guess I told you. Still .... 'Everything went to hell' is about as good a way to put what happens as I've ever heard.

 

You can get better at these things. Please remember this.

 

I feel like I have nothing left in me - I went through withdrawal once, I tried to adapt afterwards and went through intensive therapy, forcing myself to do things which were difficult and I hated. I had such a poor quality of life after I came off at 18, the only thing that kept me going was hope, trying alternative remedies and thinking somehow I would get to the root of what happened and I would be me again.

....

I hoped that once I came off completely things would improve but they didn’t all that much. I’m finding it so hard to deal with the fact that so much of what should have been the best years of my life has gone and so much of what I ever wanted I haven’t had and possibly never will. It wasn’t expected for me to turn out like this, people always used to tell me I had everything going for me but I didn‘t realize in many ways how fortunate I was. So many people on here seem to be dealing with this with dignity but I am being incredibly undignified, I don’t know how to try anymore, I just think about suicide all the time.

 

I understand what you're saying. I was on medication and lived a nightmare from ages 18 to 30 or so. Did I lose the best years of my life? I feel like that at times. You can't get youth back of course. But, also, I realize that you can't get any of it back. Is it better to lose 18-35 or better to lose 40-57? That's a pretty rhetorical question.

 

The worst years to lose are the years you lost. For me the worst are the years that I lost, and everyone else feels likely the same. Nobody says I am so glad I lost my thirties rather than my forties or the inverse. There's never a good time for hell's demons to ravage a person's mind and body.

 

I try to see the similarities because everyone can be so helpful with sharing their wisdom and support. I think you have a lot of wisdom and strength, even if you don't see it, in the face of a psychic nightmare. Sure, you could have been more grateful about the good things before this. But we all could have. Not just us, but everyone on earth. There's that old saying, youth and health are wasted on the young and healthy...

 

What I want to say to you is that you will find a lot of reason to find hope again here. I have dealt with the fear that you mention and I've learned so much from those who went before me. We know more now than we ever have. By 'we' I mean us. People on these sites and people who are unaffiliated with the machine that resulted in our difficulties. The tide favors us in the bigger fight, but for people like you and me, saving the future isn't the first thing. We need to save ourselves and we're worth saving. I have as much right to a life as anyone else and so do you.

 

Also, I think it's interesting that you feel others are coping with greater dignity than you are. I sometimes feel like this... about everyone else being much more composed than me. I get angry at my situation then get angry that I got angry, being a whiner/complainer/whatever, and feel just terrible. I know hopeless. It's been with me here for a lot of years. Though these days it's less of a terror...

 

But, I've found, that we all cope the best we can though we all have days of feeling pity and hopelessness and even suicidality. I guess I should say I have these moments, and I've even had months of fighting to keep the will to keep at it. These things are based in the feelings generated by my disfigured neurological functions. They can be transient and nearly everyone reports that the feelings improve over time, that they get better. Over time, I've gotten better.

 

So, bells, I want to remind you of that. You are very likely to get better over time. You are certain not to feel as you do today for the rest of your life. That said, you are entitled to feel anger, sadness and loss. I feel those things everyday -- I should add fear, regret, alienation & humiliation as I feel those too -- but I keep going forward.

 

That's the path I see for you as well. My heart goes out to you right now. Your pain is such a familiar pain for me. But I've learned that the it's not where you've been but where you're going. If you don't see any way for things to get better, try ignoring yourself and listening to your fellows. I, and you'll get a lot of support and info from people who know more than me, believe in you. Just reading what you wrote, I believe in you. I believe you're in a bad spot and for that I'm sorry, but I believe that you'll be back.

 

Finally, I was thinking of something a wise lady once said. She said, discussing her family which had been through a tragic situation. "Sure, we've had our disasters... But everyone has their disasters and some people are never heard from again. We're still here."

 

I am counting on hearing some more from my new friend bells.

 

Nice to meet you.

 

Alex

[bells]

Hi Bells,

 

I to could have written certain parts of your intro here, think most of us have felt like that at certain stages of wd, i know i have, and sometimes still do,

but its true, suicide is never an option, too many improve and eventually recover, we have to have some positivity, determination to survive, and place all our, hopes, faith and trust

in others coming back to tell us that they have survived and either improved or recovered.

 

We will make it!!!!

Welcome to the forum by the way, good to have you here, and its good to talk to others who understand too.

 

Hi bells,

 

Welcome to the forum. I have some comments on your intro, but I first want to say I am glad you're here.

 

 

Thanks for the welcomes. Sorry for the late response. There were a couple of things mentioned that I wanted to reply to earlier but I kept having difficulty trying to get across what I wanted to say and left it hoping it would come to me in the way I wanted it to at a later date but it wouldn’t.

 

I started on medication a couple of years older but also as a teenager. Looking back, I realize that of course I was having problems that I didn't have the answers to. This is because I was a teenager and teenagers don't know how to deal with everything properly. I've learned to not blame myself for starting... I was just a kid, I didn't know how to properly deal with much, certainly not complicated decisions about my health. I hope you are gentle with yourself in this same way. You've earned that right.

 

This is something I've realised recently, that my not having answers and way of thinking about things and dealing with problems were a lot to do with being a teenager. There were things that happened when I was younger that I couldn't handle very well and it affected me in ways I didn't fully get at the time.

But I thought of myself as an adult and expected myself to have the answers. I was living independently before I turned 18 - I left home, was doing what I wanted and around a lot of people who were older than me. I look at 16/17/18 year olds now and see they're still kids but I didn‘t think that of myself. No matter how mature someone of that age seems, I think due to their age there is still something lacking. I was worried about never feeling fulfilled and about finding meaning in my life and it seemed to me like a lot of people were not having that problem which I didn't get. Some of that I attribute to growing up and trying to come to terms with the world as I perceived it.

I think of them now as fatal flaws (but which were not and should not have been fatal) that made me vulnerable to psychiatry and more accepting of the idea that was something wrong with me.

[Altostrata]

bells, it really sounds like you could use some hugs.

 

Are you seeing a psychotherapist? Perhaps there's some kind of peer support group in your area?

[bells]

Hi Alto,

No but I've been avoiding therapy for the good part of a year but I'm now being practically forced into CBT. I've done it before but I don't want to do it, for one I have a fair bit of bad feeling towards the department that I'll have to deal with to do it and secondly I have big issues regarding leaving the house. I don't think there are any peer support groups in my area for withdrawal specifically.

[Altostrata]

I'm sorry about that. You should make sure to talk about your bad feelings in therapy. If you feel coerced, you won't get anything out of it.

 

Let them know what you want in the way of support. Maybe this time, your therapist will be a caring person. And maybe group therapy would help you more.

[Crocus]

Hello bells;

 

So glad that you posted here and I want you to know that I also understand how hard it is to have the confidence that you write well and then lose it. I cannot imagine how I got through grad school and (though medicated and "spellbound") as I have become "dash girl" now. I write something and all I can do is put in dashes. If I even think of the punctuation I end up not writing at all. My typing is dyslexic and the letters seem to come out in an order all their own. So, please know that you are not alone in this frustration.

 

I hope we continue to hear from you and I pray that we all get this time in our lives behind us. Crocus

[bells]

I'm coming up to 4 years out and doing bad, one of my major issues is now this feeling of not feeling anything. Although the negative feelings I used to have were extremely hard to deal with I would trade them over this feeling. At least the pain felt real. I have a recollection of thoughts and some kind of logical understanding of certain feelings but that the actual feeling doesn’t come or it’s mild, like the ghost of a feeling. It's like the range of my emotions has become very limited and feels shallow/pathetic. 

 

I don’t know if I can do justice to how bad and uncomfortable this feels which maybe sounds like an oxymoron but it’s not. Observations, feelings and thoughts that used to come to me are either not there, foggy or hard to extract. The spark, energy, personality or whatever I had feels dead. I used to be very empathetic, I’d get upset and angry about things that didn’t bother other people as much or on behalf of other people, or about things I thought were wrong and found it odd that it didn’t seem to affect people the same way. Now it’s gotten so bad I find myself trying to goad on feelings, I know I should feel upset because something is sad or wrong and it’s like there’s barely anything there...sometimes I'll recognize it on a head level and find myself reacting to it that way. When other people are very emotional I catch myself questioning it which given how I used to be is odd. I don’t feel like I love anyone anymore.

 

I end up entertaining thoughts which are cold or ridiculous or immature, things I never thought. When I don't feel anything it's like my mind goes off in another weird direction. Maybe it’s because my usual feelings aren’t there to override and counter them? Everything is so confusing especially with the brain fog/memory issues and if I start to think too deeply about things I begin to feel lost and everything become ambiguous. So now there’s this constant struggle or trying to struggle against it, then there’s the guilt and self-loathing that comes with it…I feel like the me is dead and moving onto something else feels impossible when I don’t feel like there’s anything to move on to, it feels like being dead, there’s nothing there.

 

I don’t even know what I like anymore, I end up wondering how I should feel more than actually feeling anything. And that's part of what I mean when I talk about shallowness, this lack of feeling is over serious and trivial things but the trivial things also take up my thoughts - I didn't care about how I felt over some dumb frivolous thing in the past especially when I felt really bad. I don't understand it.

 

I don’t crave stimulation anymore except on a very basic level, it just draws out of mess of thoughts I don’t know how to respond to or struggle to. There’s still this part of me that recognizes and knows what I believe but I feel like it’s constantly being challenged, eroded and the lack of feeling throws me off constantly.

 

There are books I’ve bought but only been able to get through the tiniest bits and pieces of it. I find myself almost contemptuous of them now, I try to read, can’t remember what I’ve read, feel like I haven’t digested what I’ve read and get antsy. There were writers I used to think were bad/good and sometimes when I ‘ve gone back to read bits I can barely even remember why, it’s like I can’t pick up nuances, everything is one dimensional. I don’t respond to music the same way, nothing feels deep.

 

My situation just gets worse and the anger, fear, regret and pain over it has become this bad but vague nothing feeling. Despite all the w/d issues/symptoms I developed I had felt for a long time that there was still “me” in there. Now I feel so different, like I don’t even have myself. 

[Petunia]

Hi Bells,

Thank you for coming back with an update. I moved your post here to your original thread from the symptoms and self care section.

 

I'm so sorry you are still having problems this far out.  Four years is a long time, although not unheard of, there are members here still dealing with symptoms after this length of time.  I tapered too fast off Lexapro in the middle of 2010 after 13 years of use and I'm still having severe problems, I relate to much of what you write and feel that I have lost my 'self'.

 

It sounds like you have had some significant changes though, and that's a good thing.  Changes mean that healing is happening, you will recover, its just taking longer than you would like.

 

Do you notice a pattern to your symptoms?  Do you ever feel better at times and then start to feel worse again?

 

Claudius, who commented on your thread in 2011 has had a long withdrawal process after coming off Paxil in 2007, now he's doing much better with a few residual physical symptoms.  There are others who continue to improve after several years of difficult symptoms.

 

It sounds like you are still experiencing depersonalization and some apathy/anhedonia.  These will go away eventually, here are some topics related to these particular symptoms:

 

Anhedonia, Apathy and Demotivation

 

Derealization/Depersonalization

 

What symptoms have improved or gone away over the last 4 years?

 

I hope others in protracted withdrawal will chime in and offer support, you are not alone with still having problems this far out.

 

Petu.

[Altostrata]

bells, thanks so much for checking in with us.

 

It does sound like your nervous system is very, very slowly healing. Keep on keeping on, please.

[NoMeaning25]

Bells, i ca relate so much to your situation. I was put on antidepressants at the age of 19. I also have my medical records and there are more than a few conversations with my then doctor that the drug never helped me. Also alot of notes on side effects i was experiencing... She pushed my dosage up to 40mg. Unbelievable.

 

What symptoms are you still experiencing? Im turning 26 soon. Im almost 26 months drug free. I took antidepressants for 4 years. I can relate to all you have written.

 

I hope you start feeling better soon

[Muddles]

I'm sorry Bells. I too understand everything you are experiencing and am so sorry.

It's a harrowing experience to not be able to 'be' or 'feel' that person you once were and no words can quite explain the daily tourment of nothingness.

 

I really hope you see improvement's in the near future.

[Muddles]

Olivia - my mental health deteriorated from the start of antidepressants - it's a crying shame these doctors didn't recognise this and pull us off.

[btdt]

I'm coming up to 4 years out and doing bad, one of my major issues is now this feeling of not feeling anything. Although the negative feelings I used to have were extremely hard to deal with I would trade them over this feeling. At least the pain felt real. I have a recollection of thoughts and some kind of logical understanding of certain feelings but that the actual feeling doesn’t come or it’s mild, like the ghost of a feeling. It's like the range of my emotions has become very limited and feels shallow/pathetic. 

 

I don’t know if I can do justice to how bad and uncomfortable this feels which maybe sounds like an oxymoron but it’s not. Observations, feelings and thoughts that used to come to me are either not there, foggy or hard to extract. The spark, energy, personality or whatever I had feels dead. I used to be very empathetic, I’d get upset and angry about things that didn’t bother other people as much or on behalf of other people, or about things I thought were wrong and found it odd that it didn’t seem to affect people the same way. Now it’s gotten so bad I find myself trying to goad on feelings, I know I should feel upset because something is sad or wrong and it’s like there’s barely anything there...sometimes I'll recognize it on a head level and find myself reacting to it that way. When other people are very emotional I catch myself questioning it which given how I used to be is odd. I don’t feel like I love anyone anymore.

 

I end up entertaining thoughts which are cold or ridiculous or immature, things I never thought. When I don't feel anything it's like my mind goes off in another weird direction. Maybe it’s because my usual feelings aren’t there to override and counter them? Everything is so confusing especially with the brain fog/memory issues and if I start to think too deeply about things I begin to feel lost and everything become ambiguous. So now there’s this constant struggle or trying to struggle against it, then there’s the guilt and self-loathing that comes with it…I feel like the me is dead and moving onto something else feels impossible when I don’t feel like there’s anything to move on to, it feels like being dead, there’s nothing there.

 

I don’t even know what I like anymore, I end up wondering how I should feel more than actually feeling anything. And that's part of what I mean when I talk about shallowness, this lack of feeling is over serious and trivial things but the trivial things also take up my thoughts - I didn't care about how I felt over some dumb frivolous thing in the past especially when I felt really bad. I don't understand it.

 

I don’t crave stimulation anymore except on a very basic level, it just draws out of mess of thoughts I don’t know how to respond to or struggle to. There’s still this part of me that recognizes and knows what I believe but I feel like it’s constantly being challenged, eroded and the lack of feeling throws me off constantly.

 

There are books I’ve bought but only been able to get through the tiniest bits and pieces of it. I find myself almost contemptuous of them now, I try to read, can’t remember what I’ve read, feel like I haven’t digested what I’ve read and get antsy. There were writers I used to think were bad/good and sometimes when I ‘ve gone back to read bits I can barely even remember why, it’s like I can’t pick up nuances, everything is one dimensional. I don’t respond to music the same way, nothing feels deep.

 

My situation just gets worse and the anger, fear, regret and pain over it has become this bad but vague nothing feeling. Despite all the w/d issues/symptoms I developed I had felt for a long time that there was still “me” in there. Now I feel so different, like I don’t even have myself. 

 

I think this might be a stage Bells maybe.  

I had it for a long time and some people in my family would not let me rest but insisted I do this or that... it caused me to go do stuff I did not want to do..and that I fake feeling something... I hated it... but also think it did help in a small way... tho they run hot and cold on me I would come back from a trip to the zoo or some other thing... and find I made it thru an event... it gave me something to build on.  Even tho it took some time to recover from the "events"

 

This not having a self issue floats around me still and some times settles down into me.  I find that having people come visit who love me and don't know that much about my last 7 years... does me good as they put out certain vibes or cues that helps me to recall...who I am to them.  I am not sure this makes any sense but in a way they tell me who I was to them and helps me to gain an attachment to myself in part by recalling feelings and events past. For a long time this did not happen it was just event after event I had to get thru.. but it is happening now.  I am not sure if it is that big a deal but think it may be. 

 

Are you getting out of the house much? 

I am not.  It is a simple answer for me and although I think it is not good for me.. .as I have been the captive before where I could not get out too.. now it is not that I can't I just don't feel up to it or don't want to ...could be winter and I have been unwell I am not sure.  

I wonder if being around animals would help... for the longest time I liked animals so much more than people... 

if you don't have one of your own.. there are other ways parks ect... friends with pets. 

 

There is one more thing you wrote long ago about dealing with past issues... 

I am not sure this is right or not but I thought of it when I read it this is my experience not yours but just in case it fits I am going to throw it out there... 

 

I had a bad time with a drug..prozac a bad reaction left me so messed up there were things in my head one doc thought might be abuse... I worked that angle to death years of work therapy study... I now believe it to be a made up big of crap my brain did because of prozac I also had wild hallucinations ect while on it the two wks I took it and a long term ... vision seeing thing after as well as not knowing if my dreams were real or if my life was real.  Please just ignore this if it does not apply... as it is a pit nobody needs to fall in if it can be avoided. 

 

I will put this out there too.. I know bad things happen to people all the time that are real.. please I mean no disrespect to your or your life.. please don't disrespect my life or my experience. 

 

 

I hope you will update Bells... 

I wish you peace

[bells]

I had reached a point where I thought the only form of update there would ever be about me would be in the form of an obituary. Things just kept getting [inexplicably and unfathomably] worse...I stopped being able to even communicate how bad (my cognition was that bad). 

 

I've been meaning to post but kept putting it off (I have a lot that I'm going through) but I think I can do some kind of mini update for now: 

 

Jesus saved my life. No one else, nothing else...