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Losteverything: I hate these evil pills


Losteverything

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My story is very saddening but maybe also hopeful for some people. 

Before these evil pills I was a very happy normal person raising 4 beautiful little kids with the love of my life. In 2014 I began suffering from anxiety really bad bought on by the pre term birth of my twins born at just 25 weeks (almost lost them both) scary first 3 months of thier life spent in a newborn intensive care unit. My partner and I young with a 2 year old at home very scary and streasfull time then 3 years later followed a very traumatic pregnancy with my last baby.

 

Told at 12 weeks he may have had a condition called trisomy 18 and if so termination was recommended as most babies with this don't survive pregnancy and if they do they don't live past 24hrs and we would not know until week 20 of our pregnancy. So for 9 weeks we worried were scared we found out he was a boy and thankfully he did not have this condition. My anxiety started here. After he was born anxiety got gradually worse to a point where it was uncontrollable. I worried constantly about the health of myself my partner and my children. I was at the drs daily getting tested for major deseases took my kids to hospital for normal colds needless to say it was ruining my life.

 

My Dr suggested lexapro I said no for a long time I never wanted to take medication like that because it scared me. After a while anxiety getting worse my partner and I discussed the medication again. My partner was my world the love of my life my rock as was I to him people always said that you could just tell how in love we were all we wanted was a family anyway my partners words to me was baby try the medication your anxiety is getting worse. I said to him OK but please watch me on them I'm scared. He hugged me and said it will be OK.

 

We researched lexapro on Google and all that came up was general side effects I have discovered now that it depends on how you word it on Google and how many pages you go through. Not easy to find these forums. My Dr had stated they are totally safe. We put out trust in our Dr. Never did I think any of the following would happen and hell would start.

 

November 2014 started 5mg of lexapro seemed OK but not quite working go back to the Dr at the end of December 2014 he ups my dose to 20mgs come the end of January 2015 I'm on Facebook messaging other men inappropriateley my partner finds out asks me why and I reply I don't know why. I honestly didn't. He forgives me and we get on with life come March 2015 my beautiful partner organises a wonderful party for my 30th birthday and just before I tell him I don't think I love him anymore. I will never forget the hurt in his face the day I told him. We stayed together until August 2015 during this time I was mean to him distant to him he was worried he moves out at the end of August he was very hurt and not dealing with any of it too well. He wanted to take his own life. 

 

While he moved out he found some information on what these tablets can do he begged me to stop them and read what he showed me but I didn't I couldn't I thought he was crazy. I started drinking making lots of new friends and joined a dating site and slept with 2 men. I am so disgusted in this. My partner was my first my only and I had never ever wanted anyone else. My partner found out and it hurt him so much. I will never forgive myself for this. Come December 2015 my partner had came back and we were trying to sort things I was still on the medication doing hurtful things told him i still wasnt in love with him not caring i wasnt really even caring for my kids. I'd rather leave them with him and go off shopping or seeing friends (I had not slept with or talked to anyone in an inappropriate way since my partner had been back) but all of my time was focused on doing fun things without my family.

 

The family that I was so afraid of loosing or leaving. I no longer cared for. My partner left because he couldn't take it anymore in May 2016 I don't know how but I had it in me to stop the medication after he had left me again. I stopped cold Turkey which I now know I shouldn't have. Anyway come July 2016 I was some what feeling normal again feeling kind of myself again I rung my partner and begged him to come home and he did. From July until September I was still going through withdrawals but nothing like before I was trying hard with my partner but he had become depressed. For the life of me I do not understand why I did or why he did but we thought antidepressants would help him. He began prozac but was not taking it properly I was not totally "his baby" still not the loving caring person he fell in love with 15years ago.

 

September he left again but had been to the Dr before he left and was prescribed cymbalta 60mgs. He left saying he was going to clear his head and get help with what had happened but he still loved us all and wanted our family together. While he was gone we had a phone call he told me he was seeing a councillor and still on cymbalta one day he accidentally doubled a dose. So I'm turning back to myself anf at thus piimt he still loves me do mucj and wants our family repaired misses his kids so much talked to them regularly too. This is roughly mid September come mid October my partner starts rejecting phone calls putting me on block stopped calling the kids he was 5hrs away.

 

He would occasionally answer calls or msg back. Come early November I have totally become myself again I had a massive break down I felt so much guilt and remorse and sadness for all I had done to my partner I felt love for him more than ever before. Im messaging him constantly begging him to come home so we can fix our family and telling him that i love him how i used to. Before he left he said all he wanted was me to love him like i used to although when he left he knew I did love him and want him and we were still actually together he just didn't want to be so depressed around our kids cause they had been through so much. But now he's changing towards me ignoring not helping financially doesn't seem to care what's happening with out kids.

 

 I have no idea if he is going through the same thing as I did because of A/D's or he stopped loving me because of what happened but his behavior is unusual. The last weekend in November he had our kids for a weekend (first time since he left in September) he spent it with them and introduced them to his new girlfriend. He never told me that he had moved on our poor babies so confused now. Been through way too much hurt. So I pick them up they tell me about daddy's new gf I break down again called him he says she is just a boss just a friend. I begged him to come home tried to tell him he was right about the medication but he said no he doesn't feel that way anymore. I said OK I'm so sorry for all that I have done told him I love him more than anything in the world he is my one true love and I will love him forever. I told him all I want is for him to be happy.

 

So all of December goes by I try to call him regarding the kids and Christmas etc he said he would help out financially when we spoke at the end of November but he hadn't given me any money at all. He seemed to all of a sudden hate me and not seem to care. I thought it's because of his new gf he ignored me right through December called our kids on Christmas day. I had to borrow money from family members just to buy my kids presents as he had promised to help but didn't. Anyway he showed up back home on new years eve morning. He told us that he loved us all and that we were going to fix everything and he promised he'd never leave again. We were all so happy our family was what we thought normal and happy again. We all had not been so happy since before the horrible lexapro. We started making future plans packed our house to move changed our kids to a new school.

 

He promised our kids and filled them with joy anf hope of new things bikes camping holidays etc all the things we used to do as a family we were a really close loving family before lexapro always spending weekend's doing family activities bbqs holidays fun parks etc he promised all of that back to them told us that 2017 was a fresh start we had talked about counselling together to get through him and I sleeping with other people sleeping with others was while we were separated but still wrong. Anyway since coming back things were good he did seem to be angry at me for things I had done while on medication I was and still am full of remorse and was trying hard to make it up to him and show him I was the old me.

 

In February he told me he still didn't love me and sent our kids to school crying and upset becauae they were worried because they heard us fighting. Our oldest poor boy said is Dad leaving again. When they came home from school he packed all he owned cleaned out sheds every tool he ever owned he even got our kids to help pack into a car i had only just taken a loan out to get for him as we needed a 7 seater to fit our family now he's leaving in it. He left us at the start of February went back to where he was 5hrs away back to the woman he was seeing before he changed his phone number and email and has not seen or talked to me or our kids since. One phone call the day he left where he stated i ruined my family hurt him so much and I don't deserve to be happy.

 

The day he left we were all on our veranda crying he waved like he was just off to work. Our kids are hurting so much I'm now in my right mind and it feels like we just broke up. When we first did back in 2015 I had no emotions i just didn't love him anymore but honestly now I love him like I always did. Its been 5 months since he disappeared. He's missed his youngest babies birthday no call for Easter and no money whatsoever. I can barley survive my kids are missing out on everything. I have cried every day since he left. I've been dragged into a scary dark world. I don't know of I believe lexapro done this or am I really jut a bad person.

 

Before lexapro 14yrs of total love devotion my family my world 1 year off lexapro and I'm that person again. No one seems to believe me about the meds now I'm unsure. I don't know if I will ever hear or see the love of my life the father of my kids ever again. He was the most loving caring devoted dad now he seemingly doesn't care for our babies. Family and friend's are shocked at what he's done and I now feel its all my fault. My poor babies are the ones who have suffered most here and they still are. They think their daddy no longer loves them they are worried they will never see him again. I don't understand why he's doing this because if he just wanted to move on after all that's happen then why can't his kids be part of his new life. Why is he leaving us here barley surviving financially and emotionally. I have no idea if he could be like this because of cymbalta or because of his new gf or because our break up messed him up. I have no idea if he's still taking or how long he took it for. Seriously perfect happy loving family has been torn to pieces were all shattered and broken how do we even live with this

 

Also like to add back when he suggested meds were causing my behavior and was why I didn't love him anymore I went to our trusted family Dr of many years who laughed and said no way maybe your just not dependent on him anymore. Life can be so cruel. He has done many more hurtful things and a lot more happened but this is already to long and it really hurts and makes me angry thinking of how my life is destroyed and from a tablet that was meant to help me :(

Edited by KarenB
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  • KarenB changed the title to Lost Everything: I hate these evil pills
  • Moderator Emeritus

Hello LostEverything - welcome to SA,

 

Thank you for sharing your story with us.  What a heartbreaking effect those drugs have had on your whole family. 

 

Where are you at now with psych drugs - still on any?  Or are you now off them?  Please put your withdrawal history in your signature – all drugs/dates/dosages etc. so we can see your situation easily whenever you post, and help you more accurately.  Thanks.

 

You might also like to read Non-Drug Techniques to cope with emotional symptoms.

This can be your thread to record your tapering progress and to ask any questions you may have. 

 

Best,
Karen

 

 

2010  Fluoxetine 20mg.  2011  Escitalopram 20mg.  2013 Tapered badly and destabilised CNS.  Effexor 150mg. 

2015 Begin using info at SurvivingAntidepressants.  Cut 10% - bad w/d 2 months, held 1 month. 

Micro-tapering: four weekly 0.4% cuts, hold 4 weeks (struggling with symptoms).

8 month hold.

2017 Micro-tapering: four weekly 1% cuts, hold 4 weeks (symptoms almost non-existent).

2020 Still micro-tapering. Just over 2/3 of the way off effexor. Minimal symptoms, - and sleeping well.
Supplements: Fish oil, vitamin C, iron, oat-straw tea, nettle tea.

My story of healing:ContinuedHealing

***I am not a doctor; please do your own research and be able to take responsibility for decisions you make.*** 

           'The possibility of renewal exists so long as life exists.'  Dr Gabor Mate.

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19 minutes ago, KarenB said:

Hello LostEverything - welcome to SA,

 

Thank you for sharing your story with us.  What a heartbreaking effect those drugs have had on your whole family. 

 

Where are you at now with psych drugs - still on any?  Or are you now off them?  Please put your withdrawal history in your signature – all drugs/dates/dosages etc. so we can see your situation easily whenever you post, and help you more accurately.  Thanks.

 

You might also like to read Non-Drug Techniques to cope with emotional symptoms.

 

 

This can be your thread to record your tapering progress and to ask any questions you may have. 

 

Best,
Karen

 

 

 

 

 

Hi Karen. 

I am completely off any types of antidepressants. Although I am barley coping with all of this DR's straight away recommend them but I have been through way to much and read to much to ever touch them again thank you for sharing the non drug coping technique. I hope my children and myself can recover from all of this. 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

What I have seen over the last few years here is that people do recover, but that it takes some time and care. 

 

Please do fill out a signature, especially with the last drug you were on and the date you stopped it.  Sometimes, reinstating a small amount is the best way to stabilise.  And then of course after that you can slowly taper off by 10% monthly. 

 

I can tell you care a lot for your children - and that alone will get them through.  Children can get through so much when they have a thoughtful and loving parent. 

 

Karen

2010  Fluoxetine 20mg.  2011  Escitalopram 20mg.  2013 Tapered badly and destabilised CNS.  Effexor 150mg. 

2015 Begin using info at SurvivingAntidepressants.  Cut 10% - bad w/d 2 months, held 1 month. 

Micro-tapering: four weekly 0.4% cuts, hold 4 weeks (struggling with symptoms).

8 month hold.

2017 Micro-tapering: four weekly 1% cuts, hold 4 weeks (symptoms almost non-existent).

2020 Still micro-tapering. Just over 2/3 of the way off effexor. Minimal symptoms, - and sleeping well.
Supplements: Fish oil, vitamin C, iron, oat-straw tea, nettle tea.

My story of healing:ContinuedHealing

***I am not a doctor; please do your own research and be able to take responsibility for decisions you make.*** 

           'The possibility of renewal exists so long as life exists.'  Dr Gabor Mate.

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  • ChessieCat changed the title to Losteverything: I hate these evil pills

Welcome to the forum.  Could you show your husband (don't even want to call him your ex as it seems you both still DO love each other, despite what words have been said) this forum.  Read through some of the sections on "relationships" and see that there are others that have gone through something similar -- i.e. started drugs and started acting totally out of character -- e.g. reckless, cold-hearted, etc.   Get counselling if that might help. Forgive him and then see if you can turn a page and start afresh.  Your relationship might not be exactly the same -- but it could possibly be even stronger.

I've been married 25 years and there have been ups and downs, and that is the case with many of my married friends. Some years are great, some are horrible, but if you both make an effort, your best years may yet be ahead of you -- truly.
Wishing you well,

M.

200 Zoloft; 10 mg Zyprexa; 4 mg valium as of May 2021;  Valium taper: July 16: 3.5 valium; July 30: 3 mg (paused valium taper); Aug. 23: 2.5 mg
Zyprexa: July 26: 8.75 mg; Aug. 9: 7.5 mg; Aug. 30: 7.1 mg

-------
Dec 1, 2016. 10 mg zyprexa for 1.5 month. Started taper mid-Jan. 2017. Cut 1.25 mg every 2 weeks; smaller cuts 2.5 mg down. Stopped at .6 mg. May 7, 2017: zyprexa free. 
Zoloft: Dec1, 2016, 200 mg. Started taper: Jun12, 2017: 197.5 mg; Jun19,:195 mg; July 2:185mg; July 9,:180 mg; July16,: 175; July 23: 170; July 30: 165; Aug6: 160; Aug13: 155; Aug. 20: 150; Aug.27: 146 mg; Sept3: 145 mg; Sept10:143 mg; Sept17:140 mg....Nov5: 122 mg...Dec3:112.5 mg; Jan14, 2018: 95 mg...Jan28: 90 mg; Feb21:80 mg; Mar11: 75 mg; May2:70 mg; May15: 68 mg; May28: 65 mg; Jun9: 62 mg;Jun25: 60 mg:July22: 55 mg; Aug25: 45 mg. Aug28: 50 mg...Oct 28: 38 mg; Dec.4: 30 mg; Jan8,2019: 25mg; Feb6: 23.5 mg; Apr1:17.5mg; May1:1 mg; May 5: 18;  May 18:15mg; June 16:12.5mg; Sept 10:11 mg; Sept.16:10 mg; Oct. 1: 9mg; Nov. 27: 8mg; Dec.5: 7mg; Jan.1,2020, 6 mg; Feb1: 5 mg; May 1: 2.5 mg; Jn 1: 2 mg; Jy 1: 1.5 mg

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