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Which "me" is the real me?

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MNgal1960

From what I've read, any kind of severe or repetitive trauma experienced while our brains are still developing and don't have the full ability to process information, affects how we relate to others and the world for our whole lives. It alters our brains as they develop. Of course, as small children, we are the most vulnerable to our parents as they were to theirs. Trauma can get passed down from generation to generation. But we can change this. The most useful thing I have found is a therapy called ACT.

 

I could not find a therapist to help me with this new mindfulness-based therapy called ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), so I have just been doing it myself. A very easy read on mindfulness and applying it to your life is called The Happiness Trap. It's a good start for the beginner. Then I moved on to deeper stuff with guided meditations I do daily. Mine are for chronic pain, but are really for dealing with the anxiety produced by chronic pain. I have been doing this as much as I am able for many months. I feel little bit by little bit that my brain is settling down. I may soon be ready to do short meditations without the voice guiding me.

 

This is a gentle form of meditating that just observes and accepts thoughts as they come and go rather than trying to force yourself into being in some super-meditative state. There is an example of a gentle meditation on FranticWorld.com. It is under Resources and You Are Not Your Pain, the one called The Breathing Anchor. Actually, I expect all of their samples are the gentle, ACT-based meditations, but I particularly like that one.

 

MN


Prior meds: Trazodone a few years ago. Low dose for sleep. Didn't work. Tapered off. I don't remember any details.

2012-2013 Prescribed Xanax for severe insomnia. Became dependent quickly. Dose up to 1.8mg. 

Nov. 2014 New doctor anti-benzo but thought a 4-month taper was safe. Failed and stopped due to extreme symptoms. Added 25mg Seroquel for sleep. Also take gabapentin (400mg x 2).

June 2015 Crossed to Valium. 30mg V (3 x 10mg). 

August 3, 2019 .01mg V. Last dose tonight.

July 2020 Now taking 100mg gabapentin 3x/day and 20mg of Seroquel at night for sleep.

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Effeffexor

Neither can I. I have no idea who I was before meds. I can't remember.

Totally understand.


Began tapering on 9/22/16 from 150mg EffexorXR

Freedom on 05/10/17
I'm finding life again after YEARS of meds that made me out of it and gaming addiction that took me from real life.

Remember, slow and steady wins the race! 

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Aria

I'm surprised I haven't seen this thread before but I thought I would comment. I was on massive psychiatric drugs for over 15 years and had no idea during this time who I was, how I acted, how other people perceived me and most of all I was told repeatedly by my psychiatrist that my so-called toxic side effects were just ME, nothing else. I tapered half hazardly off the drugs because I didn't know any better but was rewarded to finding part of the old me. It was a scary thought "who am I after all these years on these drugs?" How will I be emotionally? How will my thinking be? What kind of life will I have? I think it's summed up when one of my longtime friends realized I was drug free and as she looked me in the eye she said, "Welcome back".

 

On my Success Story thread I wrote "I am pretty much the old me but no one can go through this (psychiatry, psychiatric drugging, labeling) and not be changed by it."

 

I know we morph during our lifetime, changing how we may think, how we may act but I believe there is the core of us that is somewhat finite. Because psychiatric drugs change us it is scary wondering what is underneath after all this time? I for one I'm very grateful that I was able to taper off all my drugs, endure the withdrawals and come out through the tunnel into the sun light. I feel more relaxed being drug free and I like this.


Poly drugged for 18 years with every psychiatric drug in the PDR. C/t off Seroquel, tapered trazodone, celexa, dalmane, ativan (among others) and have been drug free for years. I thank the heavens I survived.

Link to my Introduction thread: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2477-aria-my-psych-journey/

Reading my psychiatric records: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/5466-drugged-crazy-reading-my-psychiatric-records/

My Success Story is listed under "Aria's Recovery".

 

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MNgal1960

Aria, I'm so happy to hear you are pretty much the old you. It gives me hope that some day someone will say, "Welcome back'" to me.


Prior meds: Trazodone a few years ago. Low dose for sleep. Didn't work. Tapered off. I don't remember any details.

2012-2013 Prescribed Xanax for severe insomnia. Became dependent quickly. Dose up to 1.8mg. 

Nov. 2014 New doctor anti-benzo but thought a 4-month taper was safe. Failed and stopped due to extreme symptoms. Added 25mg Seroquel for sleep. Also take gabapentin (400mg x 2).

June 2015 Crossed to Valium. 30mg V (3 x 10mg). 

August 3, 2019 .01mg V. Last dose tonight.

July 2020 Now taking 100mg gabapentin 3x/day and 20mg of Seroquel at night for sleep.

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Gumtree

Please move if in the wrong area - interested to see how others adapt.

 

I have been on antidepressants for so long (28 years) that I'm not sure who I really am without them. Now I've started tapering, I'm feeling like I'm losing my sense of self and a chemically altered version of me is walking around in my body. I'm depersonalising, detached, confused, alternating between feeling nothing (like literally not having any care or emotion about anything) OR getting strong and really visceral reactions and sudden rushes of emotion, or impulses, which are really out of character for me. I'm pretty measured and conservative generally, and not that spontaneous, so having a quick urge to throw myself off a jetty into the ocean (I didn't) or stick my foot out to trip a running child, is rather disconcerting.

I heard some people say that they want to get back to who they were before ADs because the ADs have dampened or changed their personality. The scary thing for me is that I was 19 when I started on ADs and I'm 47 now so I really don't know WHO I will be when I'm not on these drugs. Sorry for the crazy rant, I really do feel quite strange at the moment and there is nothing I can really do to snap myself out of it.


History - Female, now 48 with 29 years of taking antidepressants daily from age 19.

1988 - severe depression, anxiety and agoraphobia Prothiaden (Dothiapen) Tricyclic antidepressants.

1989 - Diagnosed with temporal lobe epilepsy (after EEGs). Prescribed Tegretol (Carbamazepine) for Complex Partial Seizures

1995 - changed antidepressant to a newer drug - Zoloft 50mg then up to 100mg

2006 - Tegretol caused me to be total zombie. Weaned for 3 months then went on to Keppra 500mg daily (Levitaceram)

2010 - diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia. Prescribed Methotrexate 20mg weekly and changed from Zoloft to Cymbalta (for depression / FM)

2014 - weaned myself off Methotrexate - condition stable

2016 - started taper off Cymbalta 1 Dec 2016, dropping 5% hold 2 weeks via bead counting. Liquid fish oil daily, Magnesium daily, plus very clean gluten free, paleo diet. Daily exercise and 15 minutes meditation.

2017 - June update now 365 beads per dose (down from 577). 2.5% hold 3 weeks

1Jan2019 - on 350 beads per dose. Not much progress in dropping. Has been hellish with each drop sending me into a flurry of very difficult withdrawal symptoms. Feel stuck.

<p>

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MNgal1960

Hello Gumtree. All that stuff that's going on now is withdrawal. Your brain is adjusting and healing. It's very disturbing. It's not the real you. Yes, I can imagine it must be very scary to wonder who you will be when you come off. Everyone changes so much between age 19 and 47, whether they are medicated or not.

 

I know someone like you who was medicated most of her adult life and finally came off in her 50's. She said her mind cleared and she felt like she was finally the real her. I only knew her after the w/d, not when she was on the meds, so I can only repeat what she said. She was very happy to be off and to find her real self.

 

You know, except for 2 short trial of AD when I was younger, I have only been on meds a few years, and only in my 50's. But I'll share that my 40's were a time of discovering the "real me" anyway. I began to shed trying to be what others wanted me to be and find who I really was. Looking at your signature, you diet and meditation is going to help you tremendously as the real you comes out. And I think you're going to like her! :)

 

MN


Prior meds: Trazodone a few years ago. Low dose for sleep. Didn't work. Tapered off. I don't remember any details.

2012-2013 Prescribed Xanax for severe insomnia. Became dependent quickly. Dose up to 1.8mg. 

Nov. 2014 New doctor anti-benzo but thought a 4-month taper was safe. Failed and stopped due to extreme symptoms. Added 25mg Seroquel for sleep. Also take gabapentin (400mg x 2).

June 2015 Crossed to Valium. 30mg V (3 x 10mg). 

August 3, 2019 .01mg V. Last dose tonight.

July 2020 Now taking 100mg gabapentin 3x/day and 20mg of Seroquel at night for sleep.

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Gumtree

Thanks so much for your encouragement MN, it really has been an awful time, in particular the last couple of weeks. I'm going to have to adjust my taper as I think it's too much even though it's only 5%. I'm currently holding another week and feel I'm evening out a bit. You look like you're on a hell of a journey too - take care, and thanks again


History - Female, now 48 with 29 years of taking antidepressants daily from age 19.

1988 - severe depression, anxiety and agoraphobia Prothiaden (Dothiapen) Tricyclic antidepressants.

1989 - Diagnosed with temporal lobe epilepsy (after EEGs). Prescribed Tegretol (Carbamazepine) for Complex Partial Seizures

1995 - changed antidepressant to a newer drug - Zoloft 50mg then up to 100mg

2006 - Tegretol caused me to be total zombie. Weaned for 3 months then went on to Keppra 500mg daily (Levitaceram)

2010 - diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia. Prescribed Methotrexate 20mg weekly and changed from Zoloft to Cymbalta (for depression / FM)

2014 - weaned myself off Methotrexate - condition stable

2016 - started taper off Cymbalta 1 Dec 2016, dropping 5% hold 2 weeks via bead counting. Liquid fish oil daily, Magnesium daily, plus very clean gluten free, paleo diet. Daily exercise and 15 minutes meditation.

2017 - June update now 365 beads per dose (down from 577). 2.5% hold 3 weeks

1Jan2019 - on 350 beads per dose. Not much progress in dropping. Has been hellish with each drop sending me into a flurry of very difficult withdrawal symptoms. Feel stuck.

<p>

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MNgal1960

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, Gumtree. I think holding is good idea. I'm going to hold another week myself. We can do this. One day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time, actually, but we'll get there.

 

MN

 

P.S. You have the cutest avatar ever!


Prior meds: Trazodone a few years ago. Low dose for sleep. Didn't work. Tapered off. I don't remember any details.

2012-2013 Prescribed Xanax for severe insomnia. Became dependent quickly. Dose up to 1.8mg. 

Nov. 2014 New doctor anti-benzo but thought a 4-month taper was safe. Failed and stopped due to extreme symptoms. Added 25mg Seroquel for sleep. Also take gabapentin (400mg x 2).

June 2015 Crossed to Valium. 30mg V (3 x 10mg). 

August 3, 2019 .01mg V. Last dose tonight.

July 2020 Now taking 100mg gabapentin 3x/day and 20mg of Seroquel at night for sleep.

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Bcdrugfree

I've taper for 2months after six years cipralex use 20mg. I've Been off the drugs for 2 months now. I feel the waves and windows are still there. But I can feel my emotions coming back my compassion and feel more alive. Well see how it goes definitely battling. But I can't rely on ssri to mask the real issues for my anxiety anymore. Good luck and accept the fact things will eventually change:)


20 mg cipralex for 6 years, did a two months taper roughly 5mg at a time. Then 2 months drug free. Then needed to reinstate 5mg cipralex for one week now. Also take omega 3,Vit c, b12, glucosamine as supplements.

 

-so I've reinstate 5mg cipralex since may.19 till current.

 

-No other drugs being taken

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Bcdrugfree

I've taper for 2months after six years cipralex use 20mg. I've Been off the drugs for 2 months now. I feel the waves and windows are still there. But I can feel my emotions coming back my compassion and feel more alive. Well see how it goes definitely battling. But I can't rely on ssri to mask the real issues for my anxiety anymore. Good luck and accept the fact things will eventually change:)


20 mg cipralex for 6 years, did a two months taper roughly 5mg at a time. Then 2 months drug free. Then needed to reinstate 5mg cipralex for one week now. Also take omega 3,Vit c, b12, glucosamine as supplements.

 

-so I've reinstate 5mg cipralex since may.19 till current.

 

-No other drugs being taken

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MNgal1960

Congratulations on getting off the drugs, Bc!!


Prior meds: Trazodone a few years ago. Low dose for sleep. Didn't work. Tapered off. I don't remember any details.

2012-2013 Prescribed Xanax for severe insomnia. Became dependent quickly. Dose up to 1.8mg. 

Nov. 2014 New doctor anti-benzo but thought a 4-month taper was safe. Failed and stopped due to extreme symptoms. Added 25mg Seroquel for sleep. Also take gabapentin (400mg x 2).

June 2015 Crossed to Valium. 30mg V (3 x 10mg). 

August 3, 2019 .01mg V. Last dose tonight.

July 2020 Now taking 100mg gabapentin 3x/day and 20mg of Seroquel at night for sleep.

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Ryder

The real you is probably best summed up as what you are not. Who you are now will be different in 6 months time. You had a photo of yourself with a haircut and a pair of shoes and you were thinking what was I doing 5 years ago, oh gawsh. That still wasn't you. The anxious you is not you. The Euphoric you ain't you. 

 

Whatever the body does or moves it does on its own. Heart pumps blood. I take it your not breathing for yourself 16 hours per day. Digestive system is working on its own accord, and the nervous system is doing the same. So when you get a little nervous, irritable, angry, frustrated or sad inside you will see its not you. Just like if someone to ask you to show yourself, you would probably point to your body. But the body ain't saying it is you. It is you saying stating that yes I am this body. You need the body to experience, but you can lose all sorts of limbs and vital organs can be removed and replaced they are still not you. Just like when You were a kid I would open the radio up to see who is inside. There is no one inside.

Even your thoughts you knew nothing about till they came and challenged who you thought you were.

 

So by you claiming the body as you, or your thoughts even. That's when trouble come. 

 


 Cymbalta, Zyprexa, Seroquil, Rispiridone, Valium, Zoloft, Clonazepam,. + 1 other Benzo. Total 11 yrs.

·           April 9th 2018 Hospital. 50mg Zoloft > 0 discontinued. 6mg Clonazepam > 2.5mg over 8 weeks stay.

           October 25th 2019: Hospital: Stopped Clonazepam 1mg > Bridged to 20mg Diazepam.

           

           Anafranil: 1st May 18': 150mg, 1st June: 150mg. 23rd June: 125mg. 6th July: 100mg. 12th July: 75mg 22 July: 62.5mg. 5th August 18: 50mg. 10th November 2018: 45mg. 25th August 2019: 40mg.  Sep '15: 37.5mg.              1st November 2019: 100mg (Re-instated during hospital). 25 morning / 75 night. 22/01/20: 95mg. 03/02: 90mg

                          

        Clonazepam: (k) 1st May 18: 2.5mg. 6th July 2018. 1.5mg K. 03 August 2018: 1.25mg K. 17th August > 10 November 2018: 1mg K. Jan - August 2019: (Dosing between 1mg and 0.87mg)  September 10 2019: 0.9mg. Discontinued 25th October 2019.

 

        Diazepam (V): 25th October 2019, 20mg. 22/12 19mg. 4/04/20: 18mg

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Starboy17

Hi all,

 

Over the last  15months of being on remeron (mirtazaine) and suffering on a scale that is immeasurable I would often wonder if the meds would alter my personality entirely, I know I've only been on them a much shorter duration than others here -But damn these little pills have really done a number on me.  The tapering process is frustrating, infuriating, and down right unbelievable! I decided to see a new psychiatrist last month and having suffered a year already I ensured that he understood my goal is to be med free, thankfully he was happy for me to do that (couldn't care if he didn't) But I have been considering like a lot of people here, what I'm to do with my life?, particularly I find myself asking the question do I really want to finish my law degree? but I guess in the end I've decided to just finish it and get a qualification and I'm certain I can make myself useful in whatever capacity that may be.  I think that pretty good advice for all of us.  Additionally I think its no different for anyone, whether you're on meds of not, bloom where you are planted, if you don't know who you are or what you are, maybe just give it a go, whatever that maybe, too much analysing isn't really productive in my experience,


Finasteride 1mg daily 2005 - April 2016 did have break from them.

Dex amphetamine 30mg Daily taken irregularly March 2012 - March 2015

Lexapro April 2016 only took 1 tablet unsure what mg ended up in emergency with thoughts of self harm discharged from hospital was given 20mg Valium and 30mg mirtazapine

30mg April 2016 - current been tapering from 30mg, 15mg May 2016, 7.5mg July 2016,Aug 2016 3.75mg Cold turkey Sept 2016 reinstated after 12dayslater 3.75mg Feb 2017 3.4mg March 2017 3.2mg April 2017 3mg

June 25, 2017 2.8mg August 14th 2017, 2.7mg, Sept 18, 2017 2.6mg Oct 26 up-dose 2.65mg due to 5 weeks of severe withdrawal 2.6mg 23rd Nov 2017 30th 2.5mg Nov 2017 2.4mg  19th Dec 2017  then forced 2.45mg up-dose 2.45mg due to severe withdrawals 2nd Jan 2018 up-dose  2.5mg 4th Jan 2018 withdrawals were too severe up-dose 2.55mg 23 Jan 2018  continued severe withdrawals near 3 weeks, 14th March 2018 2.5mg, 24th June 2018 2.45mg, 2.4mg 25th July 2018, 2.35mg 7th August 2018, 2.3mg 22nd October 2018, 2.25mg, 2.2mg 6th Dec 2018, 2.1mg 12 January 2019, 2mg 23rd Jan 2019, 1.95mg 12 March 2019, 1.9mg 12th March 2019, 1.85mg 22 June 2019, 1.8mg 19th July 2019, 1.75mg 16 Sep 2019, 1.7mg 4 October 2019, 1.75mg 5 October - severe withdrawals, need to complete essays. 1.7mg 11th November 2019, 1.65mg 2019 Had horrific nightmare up-dose  to 1.7mg 18th December 2019, 1.7 24th December 2019, 1.65mg 24th December 1.65mg, 17th January 2020 1.6mg-long hold due to ongoing severe withdrawals, low blood pressure, what appears to be chronic fatigue, depression, anxiety.

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PatriciaVP

This topic caught my attention and refused to let go. Who is the real me? The woman on drugs, this wretch in withdrawal or someone entirely different? Someone here made a good point when they said that the real "us" are the people we are in this moment. The people we were a moment ago are gone, and there is no promise of tomorrow.

 

That can be hard to take when you're stuck to your couch paralyzed by raging symptoms. When a simple grocery run or load of laundry feels painfully overwhelming. We have to believe this will pass and the real us will come out.

 

I think, though, that this fails to give our withdrawal selves enough credit. She could give up and go back on the pills, but she doesn't. She could end it all, but she goes on. She is courageous. Facing the merciless onslaught of unthinkable pain, she endures. Maybe she's not the super woman she once was, but there's food in the house and clothes on people's backs in spite of the gargantuan effort it took to get it there.

 

When we wish our withdrawal selves away, we fail to recognize all that we are in this moment. An incredible human being deserving of our compassion, patience and even admiration.

 

We are only who we are in this moment and that person is AWESOME!


PatriciaVP@AbleWriterSays My Intro

 

Zoloft 150-200 mg- on and off between 1998 and 2004.

 

Lexapro 40 mg - 2004-2013 30 mg 2013 - August 2015 20 mg August 2015- September 2015 15 mg September 2015 - October 2015 10 mg October 2015 -Nov. 1 2015. Nov. 2015 increased dose to 12.5 mg to stabilize. Dec. 28 2015 11.25 mg March 29, 2016 10 mg. August 1, 2016 9 mg. October 23, 2016 8.1 mg. Nov. 29, 2016 7.5 mg. Feb. 25, 2017 7 mg. April 9, 2017 6.5 mg. June 2017 6 mg. Aug. 2018 5.75 mg March 2019 5.5 mg Apr. 2019 5.25 mg. June 2019 5 mg Sept. 2019 4.75 mg Nov. 2019 4.5 mg Dec. 2019  4.25 April 7 2020 4mg 

 

Depakote 1000 mg 2008-2013  750 2013-Dec 2015 500 mg Dec 2015 to Feb 2, 2016. Sopped completely Feb 2 2016.

 

Adderall 40mg 2004-Feb 29, 2016. Feb 29,2016 - reduced Adderall to 20 mg based on pdoc's recommendations. March 29, 2016 - Reduced Adderall to 15 mg. April 30 reduced Adderall to 10 mgs. May 28, 2016 reduced Adderall to 5 mgs.June 8, 2016 stopped taking Adderall due to extreme agitation.

 

Amphetamine 20mg 2008 - 1/16. 1/16 - Stopped Amphetamine completely because pdoc did not renew script.

WWW.PSYCHFREE.NET 

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BlueDay
On 3/5/2015 at 6:47 AM, LoveandLight said:

I cannot remember the real me..

 

Neither can I! 

However I do know that 'medicated me' has managed life much better than 'real me'. I think the decision to medicate or not is personal. For me, being authentic is less important than being able to function and enjoy life, particularly when my children were younger.

Now they are independent I have forgotten pre-medication me, but if it means experiencing mental pain and anguish on a daily basis then 'real me' can stay away for good.


Put on Effexor XR 20 yrs ago after unable to tolerate Zoloft or Aropax. Experienced urinary night time frequency (nocturia) but just put up with it. Psychiatrist skeptical of my observations (!). 10 yrs later discover via Internet that nocturia and bladder issues are side effect of Effexor. Continue and just put up with it, self manage by avoiding caffeine/alcohol and liquids after 5 pm. This reduced frequency to 2-3 times per night.

Had to increase dose recently and nocturia increases to 6-7 times a night. New psychiatrist says let's try a different drug. So he has me tapering from 300 to 225 to 150 to 75, staying on these doses for about 5 days. At 75 we will switch to another, as yet unnamed alternative. 

As I write this I am on 150 and I am very, very tired and despairing.     

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TreeElf

I know this is an older thread but anyway......Interesting topic, and I can see where you're coming from. I used to ask myself the same questions. When it boils down to it, though, the 'self' is nothing but an illusion - it's whoever we are in a given moment and that is changing every millisecond. There is no 'real' you, because all versions of you are valid experiences. I think perhaps what you mean by the real you is the you that you feel is content, in harmony and just 'feels right'. Through a lot of deep meditation I've found that the only time this 'me' emerges is when I give up any idea of myself, who I should be or what I want to be, and simply BE. Even if it's only in short glimpses, that's where you are the most 'you'. I hope you're doing better since this was first posted, all the best


2008-2013 - Various meds on and off since age 18 incl. Sertraline, Prozac, Mirtazipine, Abilify. Prescribed for severe OCD.

CT'd several times over these years and reinstated after subsequent psych hospitalisations.

2014-2015 - Clomipramine, quetiapine and Epilum

2015-Jan 2017 - Prozac 40mg (stopped contraceptive pill, most stable period of time)

(Beginning of taper) Jan-October 2017 - Tapered Prozac to zero.

15 Jan 2018 - Reinstated Prozac at 2mg due to acute w/d symptoms

February 2018 - tapered to 1.8mg

May 2018 - reinstated at 5mg due to severe w/d symptoms. 9 month hold, stabilized well at around 6/7 months.

March 2019 - Tapered to 4.9mg

Current supplements: fish oils, probiotic, ashwaganda, colostrum powder, cannabis

 

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Pepita

Hi everyone,

I hope this is the right channel to talk about this subject. Eversince my wd started (about 2 yrs ago) I noticed that I feel like a totally different person every few days/weeks/months. Not only when in a wave but as well in windows. Sometimes I would reflect on myself, think about what was going on 2 weeks earlier and feel like I was a different person back then... I was just wondering if other people are experiencing this as well? Maybe it was like that before but I never realised it;) It's not that bad either but makes me wonder if it could be wd-related.

 

best wishes,

looking forward to reading about your experiences,

Pepita


2005-2006: Cipralex 5 mg

2009-2010: Cipralex 5 mg

2012-2015: Cipralex 5mg, 10mg 

tapered 10mg-7.5mg-5mg-2,5-0 (I always waited for a few weeks on the current dosage until I felt stable. Steps were too big I realized too late)

Completely drug free since August 2015

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Meeto
On 1/27/2018 at 11:54 PM, Pepita said:

Hi everyone,

I hope this is the right channel to talk about this subject. Eversince my wd started (about 2 yrs ago) I noticed that I feel like a totally different person every few days/weeks/months. Not only when in a wave but as well in windows. Sometimes I would reflect on myself, think about what was going on 2 weeks earlier and feel like I was a different person back then... I was just wondering if other people are experiencing this as well? Maybe it was like that before but I never realised it;) It's not that bad either but makes me wonder if it could be wd-related.

 

best wishes,

looking forward to reading about your experiences,

Pepita

Absolutely, I feel like I'm changing every few weeks to months.  It's horrific.  Have you noticed anything that causes this, or does it happen randomly?


Lexapro 1/17 - 3/17 10 mg.  Switched to Elavil 3/27/17 10 mg

Upped to 20 mg June 5, 2017 3 days, back down to 10mg June 8

Up again to 20 mg June 12, 2017 4 days, back down to 10 June 16

9/17 dropped to 9.5 mg

11/17 dropped to 9.3mg

2/18/17 dropped to 8.8 mg

February 14/2018 Adverse reaction to zofran pill at clinic

10/7/19 8.48 mg

12/22/19 7.3 mg 

2/7/20 6.5 mg 

5/23/20 5.84

 

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NobodySpecial

You mentioned it but being good or bad, can you describe it a little more?

 

When you say changed, what is that like for you when you feel like that?


Taper commencing 14/06/18:

  • Going down by 2.5mg per month from 35mg - once 2.5mg is bigger than the recommended 10%, I'll switch to a water solution. 
  • Planning to taper until October and then hold until 2019 - balancing study, work, life and holiday season.

 

Medication / withdrawal history:

  • Tapered July 2016 to October 2016, unsuccessful and reinstated to 30mg (didn't track specifics)
  • Tapered March 2017 to August 2017, was unsuccessful and reinstated to 35mg (didn't track specifics).
  • Current taper - started 1st January 2018 @ 32.5mg and 2.5mg per month until I reach a dose where 2.5 is > 10% of dose.

 

Morning supplements:

B complex, Niagen, COQ10, Black seed oil, Vitamin C, Zinc, Fish Oil, EGCG, Bosweilla Extract, Curcumin (Longvida), Vitamin D, R-ALA, NAC, Ashwagandha (occasionally), Epimedium / Icariin, Resveratol.

 

Evening supplements:

NatureCalm Magnesium, Glycine, Ashwagandha, Reishi, Schisandra, Melatonin.

I also take Phenibut (maximum 3 times weekly at a dose that doesn't build tolerance) and Oleamide when required.

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Pepita

Hi Meeto, hi nobodySpecial,

sorry I somwhow missed that you replied on my topic. 

 

@Meeto I don't know what causes it, I guess it's because the nervous system wants to find it's way and sort of constantly re-invent itself? Just a guess, I have no clue. 

 

@NobodySpecial I meant that I don't really have a special opinion about it but sometimes it makes me think about "who I really am". If I change every few weeks then which personality am I to rely on you know? 

So I guess it makes me feel unsure about who I am. 

 


2005-2006: Cipralex 5 mg

2009-2010: Cipralex 5 mg

2012-2015: Cipralex 5mg, 10mg 

tapered 10mg-7.5mg-5mg-2,5-0 (I always waited for a few weeks on the current dosage until I felt stable. Steps were too big I realized too late)

Completely drug free since August 2015

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Jewlz

I can't really remember who I was or how I lived my life prior to my psych meds, but that was 20 years ago. As much as I don't like where I'm at now in just beginning my taper, I probably would've changed anyway over a 20 year period. I'm looking forward to being free and enjoying a new me post-withdrawal.

 

I hope you're having a good day today, (((Sarasmiles)))


  • Lamictal 100mg AM, 200mg HS March 2000 to present.
  • Duloxetine 90 mg (3-30mg) AM  June 2009-July 2017.
  • Duloxetine 90mg (1-30mg plus 1-60mg) AM July 2017 to April 2018.
  • Begin Duloxetine taper from 90mg to 80mg (1-60mg plus 1-20mg) April 2018 and holding.
  • Duloxetine taper from 80mg to 70mg (1-30mg plus 1-40mg) June 1, 2019.
  • Duloxetine taper from 70mg to 60mg starting June 27, 2019
  • Stopped taking this poison-June 2019! Xanax 0.5 mg May 1991 to May 2015 PRN,  0.125mg PRN April 2018 (have take 1/2 dose 3 separate times). No withdrawal effects because I barely used it?
  • Supplements: Natrol JuiceFestive daily fruit and vegetable, Renew Life Pre/Probitoic. Wiley's vision supplement 20mg Floraglo Lutein, 500mg Omega-7, 20mg Anthocyanins from bilbery, Wiley's fish oil 750mg EPA & 250mg DHA fish oil.  Fresh Supplements 500mg Curcuma longa, 50mg Curcuminoids (95%), 100mg Bowsellic acid (65%).5mg-Bioperine for osteoarthritis. Ginger lozenges to help with indigestion/heartburn and extra strengthTums-prn.

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Nevertoolate
On 3/19/2016 at 10:22 AM, Beatrice said:

The real me is hidden inside.  She wants out like a crocus wants to break through the soil and bloom.  I can really relate to what everyone is saying.  What is sad to me is I think my husband of over 30 years likes me medicated.  I haven't told him I am going to do this.  I don't think it is conscious on his part but I want to feel and feel authentic.  I want a good cry to clear my  head.  :)

I can so relate to your post. 

I didn't tell my hubby when I went off my antidepressants 

I knew he would be angry and I was right. I do believe it is based in fear. Fear of things changing. Fear of the boat being rocked. 

I'm still in the early months of withdrawal and I'm prepared for the long road ahead as the real me is revealed. 

I think the question I have at the moment is how our relationship will go from here. 

Can I ask how things are for you now? 


Lexapro 10MG

Almost continually for 25 odd years 

Reduced to 5MG beginning July 2018-  end August 2018

August 2018 til now off completely 

 

 

 

 

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Ryder

For this question, I trust you guys have been listening to YouTube and looking online as such. None of it is you. God Bless. 👍


 Cymbalta, Zyprexa, Seroquil, Rispiridone, Valium, Zoloft, Clonazepam,. + 1 other Benzo. Total 11 yrs.

·           April 9th 2018 Hospital. 50mg Zoloft > 0 discontinued. 6mg Clonazepam > 2.5mg over 8 weeks stay.

           October 25th 2019: Hospital: Stopped Clonazepam 1mg > Bridged to 20mg Diazepam.

           

           Anafranil: 1st May 18': 150mg, 1st June: 150mg. 23rd June: 125mg. 6th July: 100mg. 12th July: 75mg 22 July: 62.5mg. 5th August 18: 50mg. 10th November 2018: 45mg. 25th August 2019: 40mg.  Sep '15: 37.5mg.              1st November 2019: 100mg (Re-instated during hospital). 25 morning / 75 night. 22/01/20: 95mg. 03/02: 90mg

                          

        Clonazepam: (k) 1st May 18: 2.5mg. 6th July 2018. 1.5mg K. 03 August 2018: 1.25mg K. 17th August > 10 November 2018: 1mg K. Jan - August 2019: (Dosing between 1mg and 0.87mg)  September 10 2019: 0.9mg. Discontinued 25th October 2019.

 

        Diazepam (V): 25th October 2019, 20mg. 22/12 19mg. 4/04/20: 18mg

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Katy398

It must be beautiful to have a vision of ‘The Real Me’ and where you want to finally be.

 
Unfortunately I really hated the ‘’Me’ before meds and during meds.  I now loath the CT, Withdrawal Me, which is predictable I guess.
 
 So now the  additional challenge I face is, after however many years it takes, will  I emerge into a new me that I can actually live with. It’s a terrifying journey which could leave me to the same place I started in, hating myself more than anyone can imagine.  I learnt how to do this as a young  child and after 50 years have become an expert in this field of thought. Am I the only one here who has a life of self loathing, whether off or on meds. I’m in my 50s now and can’t imagine how I will transform into a completely different Me. A Me which I will want to live with. I’ve never had this in my entire life  It seems naive to be even expecting it after withdrawal.?
Id really appreciate any thoughts or ideas. Thank 
Best wishes everyone, 
Kx

 

Lexapro Fast Track/ Cold Turkey

Last dose end Dec 2018 

Tapered 1/2 a daily dose a week (20mg) for  14 weeks, last dose was a 20 mg pill!!  

 3.5 times slower than Psychiatrist recommended, I felt proud of myself!! Little did I know!!!!Got too scared to reinstate because I’d left it too long.

On ADs for 20 years (Prozac approx 10 years/ Pristiq approx 3 years/ Citalipram approx 2 years/. Lexapro a approx  5 years/. Last two years 40mgs Lexapro day.

 

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UnfoldingSky

I feel like someone else posted this somewhere, and I know a friend of mine years back told it to me once, but thought it might be helpful for you Katy....from the poem Desiderata:

 

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.

 

Go easy on yourself.  The withdrawal process is already so difficult, and hating yourself really avails you nothing.   What does it accomplish in the end except making you feel bad? It is kind of like worrying, worrying in and of itself doesn't change whatever you worry about, it's just wasted mental energy.   I think everyone is allowed a little healthy self-regard, and why not some happiness and joy too.   And if the self-loathing stems from childhood what could you possibly have done as a child that merits a lifetime of hating yourself?  You don't deserve it! 

 

 

 


I am not a medical professional and nothing I say is a medical opinion or meant to be medical advice, please seek a competent and trusted medical professional to consult for all medical decisions.

 

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Katy398

Thank you Unfolding Sky for your words of support. It can be such a lonely, frightening journey, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.

I hope all is well for you. Kx


 

Lexapro Fast Track/ Cold Turkey

Last dose end Dec 2018 

Tapered 1/2 a daily dose a week (20mg) for  14 weeks, last dose was a 20 mg pill!!  

 3.5 times slower than Psychiatrist recommended, I felt proud of myself!! Little did I know!!!!Got too scared to reinstate because I’d left it too long.

On ADs for 20 years (Prozac approx 10 years/ Pristiq approx 3 years/ Citalipram approx 2 years/. Lexapro a approx  5 years/. Last two years 40mgs Lexapro day.

 

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UnfoldingSky

No problem Katy, and please don't be alone with this, the board is here to help you out even if there is no one around you offline who understands.  I hope there is but in case there isn't. 


I am not a medical professional and nothing I say is a medical opinion or meant to be medical advice, please seek a competent and trusted medical professional to consult for all medical decisions.

 

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