planifolia: Lexapro reinstatement

[BreathofAir]

Hello again, 

 

Thank you for taking the energy to reply.  You sound like a good man and I think we share many of the same thoughts right now. 

 

It is so good to hear from you. I completely understand you are exhausted. I rapidly cycle between this state and thrashing around like I’m wired up.  I see it is 9pm in Hong Kong.  It is nearly 2pm here in England.  I have managed to go for a walk across the field near where I live.  My walking is spasmodic at best and I am stumbling and falling, and my speech is now affected.  I have no control and unfortunately sound like Stephen Hawking.  

 

I am trying to forgive myself for how I feel, including the terrible thoughts.  They do not mean I love my family and friends any less.  I see that it is my brain’s natural response to the situation I find myself in.  It is a primary function that I must work to switch off.  

 

I have had to let go of all my responsibilities pretty much in terms of looking after my family.  I feel that I am in free fall and am trying to move from moment to moment.  Every movement is literally jarring my brain, just to make decisions to get out of bed, leave the house, eat something, shower.  It is a huge, difficult adaption and I know it will take time.  If I try look forward or ask too much of myself, the dreadful anxiety surges and overwhelmes me.  My world has drastically shrunk and I am trying to accept that and put a protective bubble around myself.  

 

I understand you feel trapped and damned if you do and don’t.  When you feel any energy to correspond, are you able to write to me what you have managed to do during the day? Are you sleeping at all and managing to eat and drink? Fish and greens to help you up-regulate? 

 

Is there anything at all that soothes you or distracts you for any length of time? 

 

I admit my attention and coping spans are very short and rapidly cycle.  This is the nature of extreme anxiety and akathisia.

 

I am very very frightened of updosing the Lexapro because of the movement disorder I have right now.  I don’t want it to exacerbate things any further. They are extreme enough now. 

 

Yes, it is very bizarre to have cognitive function that allows reading and writing, but very little else. I agree that I feel I have gone completely insane and away into some Hellish netherworld.  You are right that no one should suffer this way, but the brain is truly the final frontier in medicine and we are unfortunately no different from our ancestors and all that they must have suffered in the embryonic stages of medicine.  

 

I do do believe a large part of our situation right now is compounded by our terrified psychological state and is not all down to the chemical component.  Last year when I was suffering terribly I responded quite well to hypnotherapy, even in an initially highly agitated state.  The therapist was able to relax me and this gave me hope and encouragement that my overpowering conscious mind with its negative, repetitive spirals could be overridden.  I have found chanting helps, when I have charged up a bit more energy from food. 

 

I hope we can keep in touch, whenever you feel able to.  I am battling strong SI right now so am going to take a break and put some moxa sticks on my hands and move around a little. 

 

Please remember every little bit of good food you eat is medicine for your brain. Every walk helps move your chi.  I believe very much in eastern medicine and philosophy and so much wish I had not allowed myself to be pushed through the doorway into this underworld.  But we cannot go back.  Baby steps forwards. 

 

Stay strong, when the dark thoughts come, chant them away.  Hope you sleep my friend. 

 

R xxx

 

 

 

 

[planifolia]

Hi BoA, I was reading your introduction and it's heart breaking how much you are suffering to. Please hold on, I hope you will get a window or some relief soon.

 

I have a feeling that you are also beating yourself up a bit. But I just want you to know that none of this is your fault, I think you need to be very gentle with yourself. This situation, the symptoms, how we affect others are beyond our control. When I am at my worse, there is no way I can contain my screaming, thrashing and hostility to people around me. It is inevitable that people around you will be affected, in the worse suffering a human can experience that is beyond imagination. There is no other time in our lives than to treat ourselves with upmost compassion and care. You are just doing everything you can to survive, and if you beat yourself up on top of the overwhelming suffering, it just causes more suffering. 

 

There really isn't much I do during the day, as you said it is impossible to distract and every fibre of your body and soul is just trying to get through another minute without killing myself. I always just put on a comedy movie on reply throughout the whole day, so that once in a while my churning mind can be interuppted and just for a background distraction. I force myself to go for a walk at least 10 minutes a day. I like to go and watch the children play and generally observe the normal lives of others. I tell myself that one day I will laugh and go about my day effortlessly like these people, and that the world is waiting for me. it is comforting. I look forward to my prize. But most of my day is really just on my sofa, squirming around and just doing anything to get through a few minutes then another few minutes. I would play a mobile game, try to read something, watch youtube but none of them lasts more than a view minute due to the extreme terror and agitation. By the end of the day, I always wonder how on earth did I get through today... "How did I survive today?", and I would be terrified about sleeping, waking up and wondering if tommorow would truly be my last day. Sorry this is so grim but I this is really how i get through the day. Surprisingly I could sleep for 6 hours a night and I am very grateful for that, it is my own time relieved from the torture. 

 

Today is another day of healing, I hope you are holding on as best as you can

[planifolia]

I think you can look into winningthrough 's introduction. She was in a very similar state to us and how I get through the day is very similar to how she does it. She is a lovely lady but unfortunately she has not been on for a while, but I think you may find something useful in her posts. 

[BreathofAir]

Hi Planifolia, 

 

Thank you for your lovely message. Yes, your day very much resembles mine.  I also have to fight the fear of going to sleep and almost force myself to drop off, because I never know if and when I will bolt upright in bed and start thrashing around in a state of terror and realisation I am back in the eye of the storm again.  It is so horrible going to bed dreading the next day and wondering what it will bring, even if it was just a slight bit of relief or the SI didn’t have such a strong hold.  

 

Like you, I have gone though scenarios and counted off the people around me who would help care for my husband and daughter in my absence.  It burns my soul to have these thoughts because I have such a wonderful family and feel blessed to have such a lovely daughter when I thought I would never have children.  I told my therapist last year that I feel the universe extracted a price for giving me my daughter, but I know this is extreme negative and victim-like thinking.  This is at the root of my anxiety and I know I will be back in the therapy chair as soon as I am able! 

 

Am I right in understanding that you are young? I see this as being in your favour, given your capacity to heal.  I have a dear friend who is in his seventies who has been left on a huge list of medications for twenty-five years, including Venlafaxine, sleeping tablets, benzos and proton pump inhibitors.  He suffered two terrible events which left him with severe panic and anxiety and he had multiple S attempts over a five-year period afterwards.  But he is still here, even after a cold turkey off the maximum dose of Venlafaxine and some of his benzo drugs.  He manages to function extremely well, drive, service cars and go on holiday. 

 

Besides the passage of time and accepting the storm we are in, our biggest road block is fear.  Some is chemically-induced, but also we have to be responsible for forcing ourselves, little by little, to do more each day.  I realise I have a strong psychological dependence on the Diazepam, which I developed quite quickly following severe panic attacks.  Then, when the akathisia and SI started on the antidepressants, I clung to these pills like a life raft.  I never believed the Lexapro was helping me, it was the benzo masking some of the horrible side effects and stopping the panic attacks.  Up at 20mg of Lexapro, and then once at 40mg by mistake, I felt so unlike myself, really really out of my mind.  Photos from that time show a complete zombie, devoid of any light or feeling in the eyes.  

 

I am just doing what I can, day by day and crawling along.  I know you have been suffering longer.  I talk to my lifeforce, whatever that is, and keep asking it to hold me, push me on, keep the flame burning.  

 

This minute-by-minute living is exhausting I know.  Acceptance needs to be worked on constantly.  So much is being asked of us, mentally, physically and emotionally.  But there are people all around us who have overcome overwhelming struggles, against all odds, and that gives me strength and will.  I don’t fight the crying or wailing, or whatever noise I make, it just comes out.  I want the pain and tension out.  I try to put heat in to relax me.  My temperature regulation is poor right now, so I shiver and shake and must look in a ridiculous, shambolic state, shuffling and crawling around.   I cannot venture far from the house because of stomach issues and agoraphobia, so that is always fun.  My neighbours must think what is she doing now? Only a very small number of people know how I really am right now.  

 

Tomorrow my daughter goes back to school. Life goes on like a speeded-up film whipping by.  It is hard not to feel sorry and pathetic.  I am very good at that!  If only I could change the polarity and feel strong and positive.  I keep trying.  I believe in the power of suggestion and I know our brains can heal.  There is so much we don’t understand and blind faith is difficult.  But it’s what we must hold on to.  Just as the sun can suddenly breaks through grey cloud coverage, so can a powerful window appear for us.  I know we wish for sustained windows, but I think we are more likely to have splutters in the initial stages of recovery.  Every little bit counts. 

 

It is a good thing you can sleep. A good sign - and a good time for repair work.  Try and work on your neuroplasticity during the day outdoors.  Even if it is sitting somewhere quiet with your eyes closed, letting the sounds flow in.  You must push yourself, just bit by bit.  I know it is hard when you are exhausted.  If I get an urge to go outside I just act on it.  It is tempting to cling on to our comfort zones, I understand this very well. 

 

I am now going outside for my usual walk.  I will change my route today and see how that makes me feel.  

 

Onwards my friend.  We are moving every day.  Sending you my blessings. Stay safe. 

 

R xx

 

[planifolia]

Day 41st on 10mg Lexapro. I have been having some windows since I last posted where SI and Akathisia eased. However yesterday afternoon I've entered a massive wave again. Symptoms are raging and SI is overwhelming me again. 

 

However I have found a doctor in Hong Kong that is somewhat literate of neuroleptic adverse effects and withdrawal. He says he did not have patients who was going through antidepressant withdrawal so severely like I am but he has treated benzodiazepine withdrawal before. He understands that my nervous system is very destabalized and sensitize so he doesn't want to add or change the medication until things quieten down. He wants me to avoid benzos are all cost. His plan is for me to stay at least another 2 months on 10mg lexapro and taper down very slowly. However the only thing is that he doesn't quite understand  is  the phenomenon of waves and windows and that they are random. He was trying to figure out why I am fluctuating even though I haven't changed dosage and he felt that I must have been cognitively triggering it by anticipating a wave. That's a bummer, but I am just grateful that I found a doctor that knows somewhat what he is doing. 

 

Because I am severely suicidal, he suggested that I get an IV esketamine (an anesthetic) which will last for a few days to help me get through a crisis period. He also suggested that TMS (transmagnetic stimulation) might help. I was reluctant to do anything so potent so I was given an antihistamine Hydroxyzine to help with the Akathisia. 

 

I'm just wondering if anyone have any experience with his suggested options? 

 

Thank you all 

 

*Sorry that I have not been replying to post and messages. I have been trying to stay off the forums as it has been too emotionally and cognitively taxing for my crisis episodes. I will get back to you when I am feeling better!

 

[ChessieCat]

You can find existing topics by using the site search function or using google and adding survivingantidepressants.org to the search term.

 

So try doing separate searches for:  ketamine (similar to esketamine), TMS, Hydroxyzine

 

Site search for esketamine found these links

[Dejavu]

I have taken 25 mg hydroxyzine occasionally for sleep when I first crashed in November 2018.  The first week, it knocked me out, and I was groggy and foggy until the next afternoon. The second week it still worked, but it took a little longer to get to sleep and I didn't have the next day hangover. About 2.5 weeks in, it quit working so I stopped taking it. If I take it occasionally, it still works but only a few nights in a row. It never went paradoxical on me, it just stopped working. But I only took it for sleep. I'm not sure how it works for anxiety.

[planifolia]

On 5/18/2019 at 1:54 PM, Dejavu said:

I have taken 25 mg hydroxyzine occasionally for sleep when I first crashed in November 2018.  The first week, it knocked me out, and I was groggy and foggy until the next afternoon. The second week it still worked, but it took a little longer to get to sleep and I didn't have the next day hangover. About 2.5 weeks in, it quit working so I stopped taking it. If I take it occasionally, it still works but only a few nights in a row. It never went paradoxical on me, it just stopped working. But I only took it for sleep. I'm not sure how it works for anxiety.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I see that you also take magnesium, does it help in anyway? 

[planifolia]

Day 6 of crisis.

 

Yesterday was horrific. Went into that dark hysterical place again. Was screaming till my throat was hoarse and raw, and thrashing around the house and felt that enough was enough. The SI was overwhelming me and every fiber of my body wanted to die. The akathisia was raging. I just don't feel like I can do this any longer.

 

I took 12.5mg of hydroxyzine and 100mg of magnesium glycinate. Don't think it did much. 

 

I'm just praying this crisis will go soon. I am so exhausted I just don't know how I am able to do endure this much more. 

[Dejavu]

You have to take magnesium for several days before you feel the calming effects. At least, that's my experience. How much are you taking? Alto clued me in to the fact that small doses spread over the course of the day are better absorbed than one big dose, and I think that really made a difference for me. I got 100mg mag glycinate tablets, and I take 4 a day about 4-5 hours apart. You would want to slowly work your way up in dosage to make sure you tolerate it okay.

 

Also, have you tried an epsom salts bath? Magnesium can be quickly absorbed through the skin, and many people, including me, find it calms them. 

 

I'm sorry you are suffering so right now. I know the SI is terrible. It still rears it's ugly head to me on occasion. Please hang in there. It will pass. I'm sending healing energy your way tonight.

[planifolia]

I am just feeling having this constant feeling that my dosage is still high. I understand about holding on to the dose and not changing to stabalize.

 

It is just that I consistently feel better as I go down the dosage. The most apparant is the DR, which always improves within a week or 2 after a dose reduction and does not change no matter how long I stay on a dose until another reduction is made. This pattern continues on my current dosage on 10mg, which I held for 44days now. Within 2 weeks I noticed the DR improve from the previous dose of 13.5mg. The DR is now the best is ever was, which was the feeling with every dose cut. Right now, the 10mg DR breakthrough is that the world finally has some depth and dimensions in it, it is 2.5D, compared to the complete 2D flatness like I was living in a wallpaper on previous dosages. I no longer feel utterly psychotic and confused about my existence and have some grasp of reality. 

 

The crisis period is just slightly a bit less horrific on lower dosages. Right now I am not trying to reach for the windows every moment having my parents pull me in, but just an overwhelming SI, screaming and rage. 

 

And i just always remember that time when i reinstated 5mg after the withdrawal set in, I experienced panic attack, terror, and hallucination for the first time in my life, which went away after i stopped the next day. It then happened the exact same way a a few weeks later when I took 5mg again. I just feel if 5mg was causing so havoc, 10mg might just be such a struggle for my nervous system. 

 

It it just that feeling to get to a reasonable place to start stabalizing rather than just the dosage that was slapped back on you by some idiotic doctor. It is advised to reinstate at a partial dose of your normative dose because the nervous system is just too sensitized. My normative dose was 10mg and recommended dose would probably be 2mg, as my symptoms hit few weeks after the rapid taper.  2mg may be right since when i reinstated 5mg I went absolutely crazy. But I was placed back on 20mg (the doc even suggested going up to 30mg then to 55mg), 10 times the recommended amount. 

 

Some people can tolerate a full dose reinstatement or even more and succeed. But it is evident that a partial dose of 5mg is too much for me, and 10mg my normative dose may just be so tough on my nervous system. I just feel like If i can get down slowly to the reasonable range that is gentler on my nervous system and hold there for months to stabalize rather then at this high dose would possible be better. I have read around the forum and the feeling is that many people reinstated at a partial dose seems to be more successful in stabalizing than those who reinstate at anything higher than that, and those at the higher dosages struggle considerably. Those who reinstated at a higher dose and cut also seem to feel better. One notable case in my mind is KangusMangus. He reinstated at 75% his usual dose, and after a cut, his DR was almost gone, anxiety depression better. I just having a feeling he is getting better and better as he went down, as he is away from the forums and probably having his life back. 

 

I know probably anyone's guess is as good as mine as my situation seems quite uncommon, and nothing makes sense and there is no rhyme or reason, and I am the one to make the decision. But i just want to hear anyone's thoughts or just even encourage me to make my own decision, as I just feel so isolated and scared. Thank you all.

[BreathofAir]

Hi 

 

We haven’t spoken for a while and I just wanted to send you my best wishes. 

 

I think you might know that I am still not doing so well.  I am trying, but the insomnia, severe morning anxiety and suicidal thoughts are still weighing me down very much.

 

Yes it is very difficult to try and guess what is going on in our progress and healing and what is the best course of action, if any. 

 

I do not think my medication is helping me very much at all and my thoughts are the same as yours.  I know I am a catastrophic thinker and right now is very challenging of course. 

 

 I accept that I am in an extremely anxious, agitated state, which is causing situational depression as well. 

 

I just have to wait to see these next few weeks, but I cannot cope with the high level of agitated depression without the Lorazepam. Also I am still not sleeping, so I am having to take a sleeping pill. 

 

Some people are very strong and do not over-analyse, but we have so much time, where we are barely distracted because of our low function, so we ruminate so much more. It is not good for us. 

 

Are you set on tapering off the Lexapro completely and hoping that with each drop your symptoms will lessen? Is that your plan? 

Have you had any thoughts about crossing to another AD or anything else for temporary use to relieve the agitation? 

 

I am not advising or encouraging you in any way, I just wondered what your thoughts were since the SI is so severe. 

 

It it is good at least that you are noticing change.  Do not let your anxious mind stop you from recognising the progress. 

 

We are trying so hard to avoid the eggshells, and it is so exhausting going in one direction, then back again. 

 

I hope you can sleep well and have relief and peace and more healing. 

 

R xxxx

 

 

 

 

[planifolia]

@brassmonkey Hello brassmonkey, I am very sorry for tagging you. I have been looking at your posts and advices to others and just wanted to know what your expertise and thoughts are on my situation. I have expressed my thoughts in previous posts but I am just not sure if they are logical or just something senseless conjured by a desperate state. I really appreciate any thoughts you might have😭

[brassmonkey]

In the past ten months you've essentially CTed, reinstated at your full dose, done a very fast taper/CT, reinstated almost your full dose and done a 50% taper. Your body doesn't know what's hit it.  Right now you are highly sensitized to any changes and your body needs stability.  Feeling well during a fast taper is not an indicator that things are going well, it is your body becoming confused and trying like crazy to handle not having the drugs it needs to function.  After feeling well for several weeks to several months it all comes apart in a major crash.  That crash can take a very, very long time to recover from.  For the foreseeable future, six months to a year, possibly more, it would be best to stick on the 10mg dose  and ride it out until you stabilize.  It won't be easy, but stability will happen.  Once stable you will be able to start a very careful, slow taper and work your way off of the drug.

[planifolia]

Very grateful for your time and input brass, thank you

[planifolia]

An update

 

Been under a horrific wave for 14 days now. Akathisia, terror, DR, and SI continues to be severe. Completely exhuasted and feeling dead and empty.

 

However, objectively the crisis is not as severe as it was, although it doesn't feel that way. I have been jotting down the qualities of my symptoms and I was surprised that some are not as horrific

 

Akathisia - The horrific agitation and restlessness, feeling like hell is screaming inside of me, is not as bad. I don't have uncontrollable pacing now, but just this feeling of wanting to burst out and just "inner pacing", if that makes any sense

 

Terror - I would so terrified that I developed very severe spasms and uncontrollable screaming and becoming hysterical. I no longer have uncontrollable screaming but just urges to scream. 

 

DR - Previously i felt utterly psychotic. My existence, reality and everything was terrifying and didn't make any sense. Humans were these 4 limped weird creatures and i constantly visualized their guts and organs and it was horrifying. There was no depth, everything was flat and 2D. I now finally have some depth, like 2.5D, and have some feeligns of reality.

SI- Still very strong, but not like uncontrallable SI that resulted in planning and execution and having my parents hold me in from the window. 

 

Although things are horrific, If I objectively review my symptoms, it brings me some comfort that things are improving. I really hope a window will come soon, this wave is bringing me down on my knees. 

 

My doctor have suggested TMS or ECT if things just remains horrific. I might try TMS before I try ECT. Currently he is giving me hydroxyzine. I take 25mg and it doesn't do much, maybe take the edge off a little. I have tried magnesium from 50mg and increasing gradually to 500mg. No effect, but caused some palpitations and tingling feeling in my teeth. 

 

I have contacted David Healy for a consultation but he is taking forever to reply. Hope to hear from him soon. 

[planifolia]

Freaking out. Heavy construction work is happening right above me and will last for months. The horrific loud noises drilling hammering banging thumping is completely shattering my nervous system. My symptoms are off the charts. Can't believe this

[planifolia]

Had a consultation with David Healy and it was a bit dissapointing in that there really not any new or profound information, but it did reassure me in that he said I'm doing the right thing and just to be very gentle with the taper.

 

Things are still horrific and just hanging on moment by moment, no window for the last 3 weeks. The terror is awful, feeling quite psychotic from it. Impending doom also came back which was gone for several month which is a bit disheartening. I feel like I am about to spontaneously die every moment, it feels so real! like a never ending panic attack 24/7 and just want to run around and scream. Kept reminding myself that this is only a feeling, nothing is going to happen. 

 

keeping hope that things will change soon. 

[Vonnegutjunky]

6 hours ago, planifolia said:

. The terror is awful, feeling quite psychotic from it. Impending doom also came back which was gone for several month which is a bit disheartening. I feel like I am about to spontaneously die every moment, it feels so real! like a never ending panic attack 24/7 and just want to run around and scream. 

I was in this exact state for 7 weeks and then it lifted. Try to hang on, it is genuinely so very insanely scary. But it passes. I had to use tiny child doses of benadryl to get through becuse I had to drive my kid to school feeling like this. Also my sleepytime extra tea was slightly helpful too. It really.is unbelievable terror like nothing else of this world. 

[planifolia]

8 hours ago, Vonnegutjunky said:

I was in this exact state for 7 weeks and then it lifted. Try to hang on, it is genuinely so very insanely scary. But it passes. I had to use tiny child doses of benadryl to get through becuse I had to drive my kid to school feeling like this. Also my sleepytime extra tea was slightly helpful too. It really.is unbelievable terror like nothing else of this world. 

Thank you Vonne, very grateful for sharing your experience and encouragement🤗. 

 

I also take an antihistamine hydroxyzine when things are really out of control, but it doesn't really do much for the terror but just make me feel tired. Does the bendaryl help in anyway? Is there anything you did that helped you cope during that time?

[Dejavu]

Hang on, friend. It will get better. Just when you think you'll never feel better, you will get a break. It's great that you are able to see a lessening in symptom intensity. That's how it's all unfolding for me. No clear windows, just generally feeling better over time. You're going to be all right.

[planifolia]

23 minutes ago, Dejavu said:

Hang on, friend. It will get better. Just when you think you'll never feel better, you will get a break. It's great that you are able to see a lessening in symptom intensity. That's how it's all unfolding for me. No clear windows, just generally feeling better over time. You're going to be all right.

🤗🤗🤗a million hugs

[Vonnegutjunky]

I distracted with my iPad, drank sleeptime tea and yes the benadryl did help me. I took 5ml of the children's liquid 2x a day for a few days, I also took a small dose of ativan a couple of times. For me the ativan wasnt as helpful as the benadryl oddly enough.  But the tea helped me too. I used it during the day, it never made me sleepy at all. 

 

I just stayed in bed under the covers with my phone on comedy shows to have laughter in the background and played games on my iPad or watched videos on my ipad. I hunkered down and tried to wait put the storm. It was awful a d I still feel extremely emotionally fragile from it. I feel like I will never be well again emotionally. And I am petrified of feeling like that again. 

It's TRUE horror on a biblical scale. 

 

Re-evaluate your situation in 3 more weeks and see how you are doing. I was ready to get on a new medication when i was bad like you, but I feared getting worse,  I am still able to sleep and I dont have intrusive suicidal ideation, 

Those are my breaking points, if I get insomnia and acutely suicidal then it's time for me to cross taper. I always stayed away from a new med becuse I know it could be worse, I've seen people get worse on here....so I stay the course...I am holding my.taper for now as I still feel too beat up at this point. 

 

Take it easy, dont force yourself to do anything. If you can help it. I didn't shower for 2 weeks when I was bad, because it made me feel awful to get out of bed....so I did nothing.....dont put any kind of unnecessary stress on yourself right now. 

[planifolia]

Thanks a bunch Vonne. I completely understand that fragility and dread even when you are out of it, it's like a PTSD like reaction. Just thinking about how bad it was brings about a traumatic response, leaving you in dreadful anticipation!!

[Vonnegutjunky]

Yes it’s truly unbelievable and difficult to describe.  

I am feeling more functional thankfully. I am some grateful to gold and the universe for giving me a reprieve. I needed it so badly. 

I still feel like I am psychotic most days, but I am feeling slightly stronger to cope with it. Crossing fingers..... for everyone.... 

[Dejavu]

Just checking on you @planifolia. How are things?

[planifolia]

4 hours ago, Dejavu said:

Just checking on you @planifolia. How are things?

Thanks Deja for checking up on me. You have always been very kind to me🤗🤗

 

Unfortunately it's been groundhog day. Terror and akathisia are a constant companion. Been glued to my coach most of the time ugh

 

Too cognitively dead to write more. but wishing that things are well with you to  

[planifolia]

Today I may have taken double dosage, as I couldn't remember if i took it and took another one. 

 

Not sure what I should do, should I take another dose tommorow or skip a day? If any of the mods have any advice I would be grateful

[Dejavu]

I don't think you want to skip a day. Doubling down once might shake things up a bit temporarily, but should really just be a one-off. Why don't you tag one of the mods to make sure I'm correct about this?

[planifolia]

I continued to take the dose without skipping and thank goodness the double dose didn't further exacerbate symptoms

 

However unfortunately symptoms are still horrific without any ease. the akathisia, terror and DR is still torturing me. The impending doom has been unrelenting; I feel like I am about to die every moment, and the terror grips my whole body, making it very hard to do anything other than chanting "Hold on hold on, you felt this before you are not going to die". Stuck on the sofa for more than a month. It's exhuasting trying not to scream or go hysterical everyday. 

 

Every second the torture makes me want to grab the beta blocker or antihistamine to find some relief, but I'm trying to convince myself i'm strong enough. 

 

😭😭😭can someone give me a hug

[planifolia]

Can a mod help make the p in my name capital? thanks 🤣

[Vonnegutjunky]

Was just talking to my therapist about you and a few others on here about how we are all going through the same thing. 

 

I hope we can survive this 

[RichT]

Planifolia,

 

so sorry you are going through hell. You do need a hug. I can’t find a hug emoji so this is the best I could do 🌞🌞🌞🌞

[planifolia]

Hello all it's been a while since i have updated. 

 

I actually have reduced to 8.25mg on the 22nd July and have been gradually reducing over the last few months (can't update in sig as it is completely full!) . I know many have advised me to hold and I feel guilty not listening, as I can feel all your best wishes and intentions on your advises and have been immensely grateful. But the reduction was something I thought was what was best for me at that time as things were getting very rough and I was in a very dangerous place with intense SI, and it was at the point of ECT, TMS, benzos or hospital admission. My doctor who is very understanding of my condition suggested I try to reduce a bit as he understood that sometimes when i reduced i experienced major relief, and he didn't want to confound matters with benzos or anything that have potential repurcussions. So we went on...

 

The reduction did not bring major relief but the severe SI became more manageable. However what consistently have improved with every reduction is the derealisation which I am very grateful. I am very gradually regaining my feeling of being part of the earth, 3D vision and normal things not looking so terrifying and abnormal. The terror is still a constant companion. The feeling of impending death and doom and going out of control and going hysterical. 

 

My doctor's current plan is to hold for another 3 week at this dose and then see how things are and how to proceed. I also found out that I can't tolerate much of the meds he gave to help cope with symptoms- hydroxyzine and propranolol. On propranolol i experienced deep depression and frequent urination and on hydoxyzine I felt very strong dissociation. I am holding on to hope that things will get better soon.

 

Although i haven't been posting, I have been snooping around here still and very glad to see that many of you have are doing better which is fantastic  much strength and best wishes to all of you

[ChessieCat]

I've condensed your drug signature.  I've removed the word Lexapro (which is unnecessary) and put pre-2019 together and then put 2019 on the bottom line.  When you make the next change just type in the date ande the dose.  No need for colon : or drug name.  Just add a semi colon ; at the end ready for the next change.

 

Clonazapam:  01/2015 - 03/2015 2mg; 03/2015 Cold Turkey

Lexapro:  07/2007 - 08/2018 10-20mg; 08/2018 - 10/2018 Tapered to 0mg; 10/11/2018 Reinstated 7 days taper up to 20mg (took 3mg xanax/day first 3 days of reinstatement); 17/11/2018 20mg; 2/12/2018: 15mg; 3/12/2018 10mg; 5/12/2018 Developed violent spasms, back to 15mg;

6/1/2019 13.5mg; 27/3/2019 13mg; 2/4/2019 12.5mg; 11/4/2018 10mg;

[planifolia]

Million thanks chessie 🙏