heretoo: in over my head

[heretoo]

Hello,

I've looked at the intro threads from others and it seems I can handle doing one myself now. It's after 3am here in North Carolina, and I've been up since 3pm yesterday. Yep, I got up in the afternoon. Again.

I've been pushing myself for years, frustrated with all the medications, frustrated with depression, etc.... I'm finally certain I want to be done with the medications because I can finally admit I'm completely skeptical of the whole concept of taking these pills that mess with one's brain.

So here's what's up: When I was about 11 or 12, I was given Zoloft. It was horrible. After a year or so I simply wouldn't take it anymore. Obviously there was withdrawal but I don't remember it that well. Sometime after that I was put on Zoloft again, and it was again really horrible. Got off it again same way, but still don't remember the withdrawal. When I was about 16 I had my first panic attack and wow was it insane, and it was less than a week after being on Zoloft again... Anyway within a few months of that, after changing medications several times (don't remember what they were) I made a serious attempt at suicide for the first time, though I had been having suicidal thoughts for years. A few months after that (yes there were more medication changes between) I ended up in a psychiatric facility and that sucked. They got me on lithium, geodon, and something else I don't remember right now (maybe lamictal?). I was on that for a while, minor changes here and there, and then went to university across the country. While at the university I ended up in the ambulance so many times I lost count, every time for panic attacks except for one time I was saying I was really suicidal. During the suicidal time, I was taken to another psychiatric facility (which was super frustrating and depressing for me because I had told myself that last time was the last time). At this hospital, the following day I fainted and broke my tooth. I was told later that day why this happened, which freaked me out even more: I had a lithium level in my blood that was over the toxic limit... and that blood was taken over 24 hours after my last dose.

The doctor there was super angry (not at me) about the fact that I had been given lithium. This anger became more pronounced the more he found out about the "process" in which I had been diagnosed years before... he ended up telling me that that process was BS and that they were just determined to get me on lithium. I have no idea, tbh, but he was super angry about it so I listened anyway. Plus, I hated being on lithium, and the fact that it had just almost killed me according to the blood levels made me hate lithium even more (and those that put me on it originally). Anyway, the doctor there became my new psychiatrist while I was still in school there, and came up with a plan to get me off lithium (and geodon) as soon as was safe, but put me on wellbutrin alongside.

A month or so later, I'm back at home (back on the other side of the country), and find out new years eve that the school had a meeting about me and decided to recommend medical leave for me, but that they still wanted me to remain a student (just stay alive). I was upset of course, because I was trying really hard in school and was doing extremely well academically, despite all the trips in the ambulance. I took medical leave, and over the next few months, I changed all my arrangements to living back at home again, including switching to a new psychiatrist, a trusted colleague of my other psychiatrist near where I was in school. They followed through for a few months and got me off lithium and geodon, though that withdrawal was really really bad. It was like having a fever for three months.

It may come as a surprise (probably because it was admittedly not a well-timed decision), but I started a company that year. This company is still ongoing. I'll get back to that...

I stayed on wellbutrin, abilify, and lexapro for years. Of course, things happened, but I felt somewhat stable. I credit that to my dedication to my company, though. In 2015 things began unraveling again... I had a weird episode in which my girlfriend at the time couldn't find me for hours, and my response over a text on the phone was that I was at the theater. I was never at the theater, and never remembered sending the text, so of course that freaked me out and of course freaked her out too. Within a month she was gone and wouldn't talk to me at all. 😕

Anyway, I kept on trucking. Then in early 2016 my brother died by suicide. By far the worst experience of my life..... It's been horrible. There aren't words.

Then later that year, my brother's fiancee, unable to deal with the aftermath of his suicide, also died by suicide. 

Then a few months after that my grandfather passed away (thankfully not by suicide), and finally my dad became an alcoholic.

Since then:

My dad is sober, though both my parents are depressed all the time because of my brother. I don't expect we'll ever really recover from that, but I'm somewhat understanding of that reality now. I have gotten to where I feel completely lost yet because I run this company I feel the need to act positive all the time. It's extremely draining, and now I sleep more than I've ever slept in my life. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, and I see no way out. As I said early in the post, I've gotten to the point where I'm endlessly frustrated with medication, and I tapered for a while (a couple months) off my latest medications which were Wellbutrin and Trintellix. I'm now not taking any medication, though I've told literally no one that I was doing this (except typing this now).

Not sure what I'm even doing, to be honest. I have responsibilities running this company, but it's gotten so constantly overwhelming that I've decided if I don't take care of my own deal then the company will lose me anyway, so it makes more sense to just take care of my own deal now instead of later. I came across this site and made an account because no one I felt like I could talk to was awake at the moment, and I had a strong feeling I should probably get moving with more of a support system.

So anyway that was a lot of typing. This sucks. Nice to meet you all.

EDIT: Forgot to mention the main reason I came here: my withdrawal at this point is really confusing me. I'm not taking any medications now, but I was on this stuff for YEARS, and all I'm experiencing at the moment is some uncharacteristic irritability, seemingly-random sleep patterns (though A LOT of hours laying down, normally over 12 hours, and still getting up feeling exhausted), and some serious brain fog. In the past, I remember months of feeling like I had a fever (when I was getting off lithium and geodon), but this is kind of freaking me out. When is it really going to start? It's only been two weeks without the medications.

[Shep]

Hi, Heretoo.

 

Welcome to Surviving Antidepressants.

 

On 3/9/2019 at 3:46 AM, heretoo said:

EDIT: Forgot to mention the main reason I came here: my withdrawal at this point is really confusing me. I'm not taking any medications now, but I was on this stuff for YEARS, and all I'm experiencing at the moment is some uncharacteristic irritability, seemingly-random sleep patterns (though A LOT of hours laying down, normally over 12 hours, and still getting up feeling exhausted), and some serious brain fog. In the past, I remember months of feeling like I had a fever (when I was getting off lithium and geodon), but this is kind of freaking me out. When is it really going to start? It's only been two weeks without the medications.

 

Your symptoms sound like nervous system destabilization from psychiatric drug withdrawal. 

 

Since you've only been off the drugs for 2 weeks, you likely should reinstate at least some of them. For more on reinstating, please see:

 

About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms 

 

We don't recommend a lot of supplements, as many members report their nervous systems are simply too fragile to handle them. However, magnesium and fish oil tend to be calming to the nervous system and many people report they do help. Please only add in one supplement at a time and at a small dose. For more, please see:

 

King of supplements: Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil)

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker

 

A section that we highly recommend to members is the non-drug coping section. You'll find a lot of information on non-drug ways of making your journey off these drugs easier and will prepare you for your drug-free life ahead. 

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Please add a signature.  Include drugs, doses, dates, and discontinuations & reinstatements in the last 12-24 months. Also include supplements. This will help us give you the most accurate advice we can. 

• Any drugs and supplements prior to 24 months ago can just be listed with start and stop years. 
• Please use actual dates or approximate dates (mid-June, Late October) rather than relative time frames (last week, 3 months ago) 
• Spell out months, e.g. "October" or "Oct."; 9/1/2016 can be interpreted as Jan. 9, 2016 or Sept. 1, 2016. 
• Please leave out symptoms and diagnoses. 
• A list is easier to understand than one or multiple paragraphs. 
• This is a direct link to your signature:  Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature.

Please continue to use this thread to document your taper and to ask questions. 

 

Since these drugs can have a delayed withdrawal, please do consider reinstating. Once you set up your signature, we'll have your drug history and can get a better idea of how to guide you in a reinstatement. 

Edited March 10, 2019 by Shep
fixed typo

[heretoo]

Just wanted to respond with an update here, now that it's 6 months later.

Anything that I considered to potentially be withdrawal signs stopped around June. Since June I've lost more weight than I ever have before in this small a period of time (I had gotten overweight, when before being on Abilify I was quite underweight), though I'm still working to adjust my eating habits (that had gotten pretty poor) and I haven't been exercising much (I wasn't able to keep paying a gym membership and I haven't had the discipline to do much on my own at home).

I certainly feel I'm moving forward now, which to me is a huge change from before.