DLS68: sprinting on the edge of a razor blade

[DLS68]

Hi. Here goes...I am a privileged, (according to others) very attractive 50 year old woman.  I don't look my age because a little botox and fillers go a long way if you have good genes.  I have good genes in that aspect but I also deadly genes as far as mental health.  A family history of suicides, drug addicts and alcoholics.  If Borderline Personality Disorder is real, I was raised by a woman who is textbook for it.  My father worked a lot and did his best to stay away from the house so we (3 siblings, I am the oldest) were on our own with her.  I was driving my siblings to school by the time I was 14, no driver's license, of course.  I forgot to mention she was also a sleeping all day alcoholic.  So, I grew up and got the hell out of there by getting married, having two children by the time I was 27.  The marriage failed after ten years but we had financial success so there were several years of being a young, hot, single mom finally having fun (hoping you get the sarcasm here). 

 

My first medication was Prozac prescribed as I was going through my divorce and feeling guilty an depressed for causing heartache to him and my children.  The reason I asked for the divorce was because he cheated so much that, his words, "I couldn't even put a number on it". He was trying to finally be honest in hope that I'd changed my mind.  I no longer loved him as a husband, that had left long ago so I decided new chapter for me.

 

 The Prozac made me feel like a zombie; even my friends noticed and asked "what are you taking"?  I got off of it after a few months.  5 years later I began taking adderall for concentration at work and because it helped me stay thin.

 

 I had gotten remarried to a guy I refer to only as The Devil today and that started the merry go round of therapists/psychiatrists...first it was Effexor...I felt that it was the one drug that actually made me feel different, lighter...but getting and off that drug felt like the apocalypse...devastating side effects.  I escaped that marital nightmare after five years so I was emotionally damaged and drained to a level I'd never felt before.  I stopped meds for a while after that and life slowly felt okay again.  I met a lovely, wonderful man who values me more than I knew was possible.  I had a down period after we met and I was afraid I'd run him off by being crazy so I got back on meds.  I began doing yoga and fell madly in love with it, quit my job and went to training modules for a year to become a highly credited instructor.

 

I stopped the meds during that time as yoga made me feel like I could, or I should?  Not sure.  It lasted for a while but then I couldn't motivate myself to teach enough to make a salary that was necessary so I went back on meds and got a real job.

 

  Today, I am on 5 medications and feeling very agitated by everyone about anything; exhausted; able to sleep but feel completely exhausted when I wake up; I feel weird with co-workers, like I have to think about my response or trying to be witty or even normal when we are having conversations.  I get so angry and jealous of people who have it together and actually look/act happy because I never feel that..I literally feel my jaw clenching as I think about people like that.  I fake it well because it's necessary and growing up the way I did you become a survivor. 

 

These meds can't be helping me and if they are then my dark passenger is darker than I ever knew...really, really confused.  I am healthy, have a good job, a great partner and children who love me; friends who love me..honestly i have no reason to be so f'ed up and I hate myself for it.  Hope I didn't type too much..thanks for reading.

Edited April 11, 2019 by Carmie
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[Carmie]

Hi DL, 

 

Welcome to SA. I’m sorry you’re on so many medications. 

 

Could you please tell us about the medications you’ve been on in the past, what date you started them, and what date you stopped them. 

 

What five medications are you on now, and what doses? 

 

How long have you been on each one of them? Have you tapered any of them in the past or are you still on the same doses you were originally on?

 

Can you please go to the Read This First section and to the thread entitled “Please Put Your Withdrawal History In You Signature,” and put in your drug history. It will show you how to do a drug signature. Thank you. 

 

If you decide you would like to start tapering off your medications, we recommend only tapering off one at a time, and by no more than 10% a month. First please let us know what you are on, and answer the above questions. Thanks a lot.

 

It looks like you have some wonderful blessings like a good job and health, and children who love you. That’s great. It sounds like you still have a lot of emotional issues to deal with though. We aren’t actually therapists here, but I’ve found FasterEFT of great benefit in dealing with the emotions connected to things in the past. Some people use EFT.

 

These therapies help get rid of the negative emotions. A lot of this pain is in our subconscious, and it can affect how we feel about everything. FasterEFT gets rid of the painful emotions, you don’t even have to remember what the events were. You just tap out whatever sensations or feelings you have in your body. It’s worked amazingly for me in the past. I’ve just started it again, but need to do it more regularly. 

 

Take care, sending hugs🤗

 

P.s. I’ve moved your thread over here to Introductions And Updates. This is your thread where you can ask questions and journal your journey 

Edited April 11, 2019 by Carmie
Added postscript