perfectdisaster: I have no idea what to do

[perfectdisaster]

Hi there. 

 

I've been on antidepressants - mostly SSRIs - for 14 years. I am formally diagnosed with treatment-resistant major depressive disorder. And I have some anxiety problems thrown in there too. 

 

I have long wanted to stop taking medication, but have felt that I can't because of my illness. Over the years there have been times I tried to come off. My first medication was fluoxetine, I stopped taking that cold turkey and had no problems. This gave me the sense that I could just stop any psychiatric medicine cold turkey and be fine. I didn't know then that fluoxetine has a super long half-life. Boy was I in for a rude awakening when I tried stopping other SSRIs. 

 

Over the years I have made attempts at coming off, but within a month or two I'd be back in the doctor's office crying. I thought I was relapsing, but now after recent things I have read, I wonder if this is not the case. Perhaps I just didn't make it past the worst part of withdrawal. 

 

I am currently taking bupropion 300mg. Two 150mg doses per day. I started about two weeks ago. Prior to that I was on escitalopram for one, maybe two years. Before starting bupropion, my psychiatrist gave me instructions for tapering off escitalopram ... over ONE week. I think this was too fast a taper for me and I suspect I am experiencing two things right now: 1) withdrawal symptoms from escitalopram, and 2) start-up effects from bupropion.

 

I am unsure what to do from here. The last time I tried coming off escitalopram, I used a single 20mg dose of fluoxetine to help with the symptoms and it worked great. But now that I'm taking bupropion, I am not sure if I can do that to help with the symptoms. I'm dizzy, I've got brain zaps behind my eyes, and have had a persistent headache for 8, maybe 9 days now. The headache came on when I went up to 300mg of bupropion (I started on just 150 for a few days), so I actually suspect the headache is caused by bupropion.

 

My ideal is to be off antidepressants and managing life OK. But I am afraid. I have a three year old daughter, and in the past when I have stopped my medication I have become very angry and irritable. I don't know if this is a symptom of withdrawal, or if it's just "me" when I'm not medicated. Escitalopram worked very well in some aspects. I was much more patient and less angry. I didn't lose my temper often. I am worried that without medication, I will become like that. But I am so tired of the "merry go round" of going on and off medications, trying to search for "the one". They ALL have side effects, they ALL only partially help me. I have decided that bupropion will be the last medication I try, I am so sick of psychiatry.

 

But yes, I am afraid. I will need a lot of support to learn how to manage my emotions without medication, and I'm not confident I can do it. I'm not sure I can get the right support. For some context, I grew up in a violent household and suffered a lot of psychological trauma as a child. My depression isn't situation-based but is kind of just always there. It's a way of thinking that I learned from my damaging childhood. I am not confident I can "un-learn" what happened to me. There are so many ways in which I'm a dysfunctional person, and I don't want it impacting on my daughter the way my parents' problems impacted on me. And depression is frightening. It's unbearable.

 

Any advice is much appreciated! No doubt someone else (maybe everyone else?) here has been in my shoes when deciding whether to stop meds. 

[perfectdisaster]

Hello admins? 

[Carmie]

Hi perfectdisaster, 

 

Welcome to SA. I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time. It sounds like a lot of the symptoms you have are actually caused by the medications. Cold turkeying medication can sensitise our brains, and can make coming off medications later on much more difficult. 

 

Could you please put in a drug signature first. Just go to the Read This First Section and go to the thread entitled Put In Your Withdrawal History First. Thank you. 

 

It sounds like you are having problems from ending one medication and starting another.

 

 What times of the day are you taking the bupropion? What date did you go off the Escitalopram? Tapering off over one week was way too quick.

 

I wouldn’t be tapering now for quite some time, months. It is never wise to taper if you are not feeling stable, or what we call “withdrawal normal.” You’ve made such big changes, it might take a while for you to stabilise. 

 

We aren’t actually counsellors or therapists on this site, but I use techniques like FasterEFT or journaling to help me with my emotions. Everyone has to figure out what helps them best. This is a volunteer site too, it’s not a real time site, you may not get instant responses. Most of us are going through withdrawals ourselves. I hope you’re coping as best you can.

 

Wishing you all the best in your recovery💚