ManicAndDesperate: alcohol, antidepressants and cheating

[ManicAndDesperate]

I have realized that I need to stop drinking alcohol way too late.

I am only in my 20s. I have been on the highest dosage of ssris that my body is allowed for the past 3 or 4 years. I never really had the opportunity to drink during these early times, and therefore I cannot relate to the cravings for alcohol which is then folliwed by addiction as described by plenty of other cases that I found on https://davidhealy.org/out-of-my-mind-driven-to-drink/ . 

I have however whenever alcohol was available or even in my presence had urges of indulging followed by deep bouts of shame. 

Along with other incidents, my most horrible experience so far is when I do drink. I drink a lot. My soul mate and I would drink the same amount even though he has 10 years of experience drinking behind him. Due to not drinking often, my tolerance is low and I already feel myself becoming someone else after just one or two drinks. At the end of all these nights I have blanks in my memory as though I was drugged, although by all witness accounts I never slurred, never stumbled to show the typical signs of drunkenness except for completely out of character behavior. This lead them to always say "but you weren't even drunk! You were fine" and to believe I'm just looking for excuses for the horrible things I've done.

*BACK TO MY SOUL MATE:
As a result of these alcoholic drunken trances I have now cheated 3 times on my SM. An unusual effect of my meds on me is that I get hypersexual, and sexually manic when drunk. The problem is it does not stay in our relationship, although when sober I have no thoughts about possibly wanting anyone but him. I have never cheated on him by having sex, but he believes that I would have if I had had the chance. 

The most recent time I was able to snap out of this trance when he found me but apparently I ended up telling him the guy was groping me and I want to get out of here. Long story short the guy made it very clear to my SM that I initiated it all and that he was actually completely celibate.

The previous times he has forgiven me due to circumstances but now thinks that cheating is just a part of who I am as alcohol brings out your "true colours".

I'm seeing him today for what will probably be the last time, although (after this last incident it all snapped into place in my mind and after doing research on it all night) I begge  him not to leave and told him I will stop drinking completely as I Do not enjoy the person I become. (which I will do regardless of him for my own health, as well as get off my medication as they have increased suicidal thought tendencies as well in any case). We were planning on having a baby and now I'm going to lose all of it. He was already my family although we hadn't tied the knot yet. 

I wish I could see research papers done on exactly what the chemical reaction in the brain is that causes people on ssris and alcohol to go so completely manic.

If anyone has any advice for me on how to possibly deal with not losing this man please don't hesitate to contact me. Or if you have experienced something similar. 

TLDR (TOO LONG DIDN'T READ)

I'm losing my soulmate due to becoming a manic sexual predator as well as getting total blackouts and apparently not even acting drunk when I have had anything to drink. Not yet addicted to alcohol but do get cravings as described by plenty of other cases that I found on https://davidhealy.org/out-of-my-mind-driven-to-drink/ .

[WiggleIt]

Dear ManicAndDesperate,

Welcome to SA!  We're glad you found this community, although sorry to hear how you are suffering.

In my opinion, I don't think it's ever too late to stop drinking alcohol, so please don't beat yourself up.  You sound like you really want to heal yourself by getting off of alcohol and psych meds, and SA is a support system for the psych med part of things.

Psych meds can intensify the effect of alcohol, and alcohol can intensify the effect of psych meds, so it is not surprising that you find yourself blacking out.  This may not have anything to do with "low tolerance" at all.  You should not be on psych meds and drinking alcohol at the same time.  Clearly, the behavior is causing you to suffer and you want to change it.  Additionally, you may or may not have been groped without your consent when you were blacked out.  It's possible that you initiated it, but it is also very possible that you were taken advantage of.  You're on the right track by wanting to make changes for your own health.

Here at SA, the common wisdom to taper off of psych meds is to reduce by 10% of your current dosage.  That way, you go slowly and steadily in small amounts so that your body can adjust.  The link below talks about why it's important to reduce by 10% of your current dosage.  Please read it and learn the information before you start any reductions.  Because you are also struggling with alcohol, you may not want to make too many changes at the same time, but when you are ready to taper down off meds, you will already know about following the safe 10% method:

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/1024-why-taper-by-10-of-my-dosage/

In order to understand more about your situation, can you please give us a list of all your meds, plus the dates, plus the dosages?  Here are instructions for how and where to type that list (in your medication signature, not on your discussion thread).  The medication signature is just like an email signature; it's a short blurb that automatically appears every time you post.  We use these signatures to quickly get a summary of each other's meds, so we can help out. Here's how to create your signature:

a.) Look at the top right of the page where your name appears
b.) Click on your name and you'll see a pull-down menu appear
c.) Under that menu, click on Account Settings    
d.) You'll get taken to a new page.  Look at the left side of that page
e.) Click on Signature
f.) In the box that pops up, fill out a short list of your medication history, including med names, dates, and dosages. (For example, you can just write Sertraline 60 mgs from July 2016 to Sept 2018.)  
g.) Click Save and then you can go back to the rest of the site and keep chatting!

In addition to reading the link and above and writing your medication signature, can you also tell us whether you've thought about which to get off of first, the alcohol or the pills?  Or are you trying to get off of everything at the same time??  Please let us know. 



 

 

[Altostrata]

Welcome, Manic.

 

You seem to have a lot going on. To taper off psychiatric drugs, you need to be able to manage any withdrawal symptoms and any re-emerging psychological issues with non-drug methods. With all this uproar in your life, this doesn't seem like a good time to taper off drugs.

 

Rather, it does seem like a good time to work on the alcohol dependency. That's not something we do here, we really don't know anything about breaking that habit. Perhaps you can find a counselor or even a pastor to talk to?

 

As you say you took SSRIs for years and did not drink, it's hard to say your drinking and sexual behavior is because of the SSRIs. Rather, they seem to be related to the environment of your relationship. It sounds like you're drinking to keep up with your partner.

 

I am sorry your relationship seems to be breaking up. Not sure what we can tell you about that. It's always hard. Work on forgiving yourself for any mistakes.

 

Let us know when you're off alcohol altogether and your life is more stable and we'll give you some pointers about tapering off the psychiatric drugs.