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Bluewisp

Emptiness

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Bluewisp

Hi

 

My condition pushed me to avoid people and I thought for a long time that I just needed peace. That I was not needing anything else. Being on antidepressants, I've not cared about my life, so in a way, the drugs were "working", preserving me from pain. However, preserving me from happiness too. Also, because of them, it was impossible to wake up and try to take control of this life. So it has been a huge waste of time. I've disappeared from public for so many years, until I decide to finish school at 25 and do a specialization at 28 but anxiety was back, and I quit antidepressants thinking that anyway it was not working, obviously. This withdrawal made everything 10 time worst, and provoked another isolation for years. I finally ended this specialization at 34...and worked for 2 years. And I got convinced that antidepressants damaged me much more than my actual initial condition so I stopped it and forever I hope. In a few days, it will be one year antidepressant free, the longest I was able to do and I'm decided to continue, hoping for the long term induced new problems to go away one day. It looks like I can live like this somehow, I think it worth the try to be freed one day of those symptoms.

 

However now I get this horrible situation: my life is empty, my past has nothing much, and my future has no interest. I think that I could live happy with a woman, even if I don't find a purpose for this life. Because with love, I could feel valid, I could share the fun in life, everything is better when not alone. But the reality is that I'm alone, and with the life I had, I have so little experience of everything in life, that I feel totally not valid as a lover. I have a lot of affection to give, but isolation makes me feel like a teen for a lot of practical things. I feel it like a fatality, forcing me to stay alone forever, never been able to catch up with the late in life knowledge, never been valid as a lover and I don't feel much valid as a human being too. I've not tried, I'm terrified. How to explain to someone that your life was empty and still empty? How can it be interesting? I can hide it, but my life was about that, I cannot hide my entire life! Everyone had a life, a path, but I don't have much, it's almost like if I got in 2019 with a time machine from 20 years ago. I just don't know what to do from there. Drugs would put me asleep again forever, saving me of the pain of emptiness, but I prefer to stay awake even if there is a small chance to be happy again. I don't know if my case exist elsewhere, if I'm not alone. But even if there are some compatible with me, how can I find those people? It's like lottery, the chances to not get rejected are way more high than to find someone that would like to share life with me. And I understand, everyone want to be normal, so to get with someone also normal. So I'm stuck. I don't see how the situation could reverse. I'm 37, I try to get control on things of my life that I can, to have this at least. I'm trying even if I feel that it's useless. While life has no sense, I still feel convinced that love can make it soft and good. But this seems impossible to reach. It's like if I was already death. I don't want to look at years pass while nothing change like I've seen all my life. I feel like if I missed the train of life, and that I look just pathetic trying to act like a normal person, and that everyone can eventually see it. I'm a good person, I can love deeply, I'm romantic, but I've not the security to keep my job because of random anxiety issues, I'm not a bulletproof money provider, and I'm not very manual I'm more an intellectual.

 

Sometimes I think about reincarnation, that we have a predetermined path to follow, that someone could reach me, that it's planned and I just need to stay alive and hope for it to come. But the life I had seems to prove that it doesn't exist. Miracles don't exist, and nothing is going to happen. I evade reality by writing, creating another life parallel to mine, in which I control things for a change. It keeps me alive. It's my only source of happiness and reason that make me continue for now, while I fight the pain of emptiness the rest of the time. How I'm supposed to meet someone? Posting online "Empty life, dark past, wish love and share life fun"? Without mentioning that almost all women have kids, I'm not up to this in my personal path, I would not know how to handle this. What I ask is simply to love, it's so basic, why it cannot be simple? Why it must go through so much challenges and barriers? Why it's not simple as it was as a teen? When people had nothing to prove, and just followed their instincts. Now to love you must be someone with a minimal level, which I don't think to have. However I'm full of good intents, I wish to love deeply, I wish to be happy, to make another happy. But it's like if it's not enough. Isn't it? Of course it's not enough. I'm like having a scrap life, I'm not valid, it's not repairable, unless someone special fall on me and I don't believe in this magic. I don't blame only drugs, social anxiety got me to avoid almost everything I could, not allowing me to progress and learn the things I would be supposed to have. But I thought I was not needing anyone, and now I think that love is the only thing that makes life worth it and the only thing I desire and it's out of reach.

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UnfoldingSky

Hi Bluewisp,

 

I'm surprised no one has commented yet, and I haven't much time to write right now so will have to come back later to comment more, but, I feel what you are saying here.  I think psychiatry has actually sidelined a lot of people from life.  I personally was harmed by psych drug reactions and withdrawal, I was sick for a long time from that.  Once I began to recover it was sort of like waking up from a coma.  While I was in withdrawal I felt really dissociated, and barely even felt human, so to suddenly feel back in my body and like i was 'here", was a bit of a shock.  Add to this I had been so out of it while withdrawal was going on I couldn't pay attention to a lot of changes in the world and suddenly it became very much like waking from a long coma...I didn't know how all of things that changed had become different.  Now people I used to know have established families, the places I was familiar with have changed a lot and I often feel left behind even though I've managed to accomplish some things since recovering that are really quite amazing.  And sometimes like you I struggle to explain "the lost years" to people. I NEVER tell anyone I don't know really well what happened anymore. So I have had people say things like why I didn't do something I wanted to do, like say visit a certain country, thinking I just was too lazy to be bothered.  The real reason was withdrawal. 

 

I have to go to bed but will write more in a bit as I'm able...

 

 

 

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Bluewisp

Hi UnfoldingSky

 

I think drugs are the new electro therapy. It works completely random depending on who, create more problems than what is "positive", if anything is positive at all. I was a zombie, but I was not complaining or requesting help anymore, so it was considered like "working". Plus it added latent new issues, which fired when I started to withdraw. Much more intense and horrible issues than everything I got before to start, worsening my life to a crazy point. I don't call this medicine and it's not much more than a coma as you said. I took them since my teen years, I stopped last year and suddenly I'm awake, out of the matrix, and realize that I slept all this time. I'm really pissed of all those "medicine", of people blocked on them being persuaded that they cannot stop them because the withdrawal is not one but "their natural self coming back", and psychiatry will wake up itself only in a lot of years about that (their own wake up will be the worst irony of all psy history). My life is now, I decided to confront them and take control of my life.

 

Even if it would be recognized to be true, it's already done for me. I'm there, from a time warp. I cannot hide inexperienced things all the time and forever, because of this long sleep. People see me like "special" and not in a good way. It cannot be otherwise than weird to have someone out of a story like that. I understand that it's scary for people, but even if I would hide it, I cannot lie pretending having a life that I've not had. I'm late on a lot of things and it will be obvious soon or later anyway. And of course people ask questions. I would just need someone that go over all this, more interested by me than by this story. It not turned me into a monster, it's a train I missed. I don't know how to turn me in a valid person, I hardly fit in people of my age, they think about houses, kids, I'm not in there. I don't even know if I'll be one day. Sometimes I feel stuck outside normal life progression, it's not that it's bad but it is seen this way for others. All is about image. If you fail this test, you may be an awesome person, people will never get there to see it. I may progress but people also do it, so there seems to be a continuous gap impossible to catch up.

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Nelly
On 5/22/2019 at 2:04 AM, Bluewisp said:

Hi

 

My condition pushed me to avoid people and I thought for a long time that I just needed peace. That I was not needing anything else. Being on antidepressants, I've not cared about my life, so in a way, the drugs were "working", preserving me from pain. However, preserving me from happiness too. Also, because of them, it was impossible to wake up and try to take control of this life. So it has been a huge waste of time. I've disappeared from public for so many years, until I decide to finish school at 25 and do a specialization at 28 but anxiety was back, and I quit antidepressants thinking that anyway it was not working, obviously. This withdrawal made everything 10 time worst, and provoked another isolation for years. I finally ended this specialization at 34...and worked for 2 years. And I got convinced that antidepressants damaged me much more than my actual initial condition so I stopped it and forever I hope. In a few days, it will be one year antidepressant free, the longest I was able to do and I'm decided to continue, hoping for the long term induced new problems to go away one day. It looks like I can live like this somehow, I think it worth the try to be freed one day of those symptoms.

 

However now I get this horrible situation: my life is empty, my past has nothing much, and my future has no interest. I think that I could live happy with a woman, even if I don't find a purpose for this life. Because with love, I could feel valid, I could share the fun in life, everything is better when not alone. But the reality is that I'm alone, and with the life I had, I have so little experience of everything in life, that I feel totally not valid as a lover. I have a lot of affection to give, but isolation makes me feel like a teen for a lot of practical things. I feel it like a fatality, forcing me to stay alone forever, never been able to catch up with the late in life knowledge, never been valid as a lover and I don't feel much valid as a human being too. I've not tried, I'm terrified. How to explain to someone that your life was empty and still empty? How can it be interesting? I can hide it, but my life was about that, I cannot hide my entire life! Everyone had a life, a path, but I don't have much, it's almost like if I got in 2019 with a time machine from 20 years ago. I just don't know what to do from there. Drugs would put me asleep again forever, saving me of the pain of emptiness, but I prefer to stay awake even if there is a small chance to be happy again. I don't know if my case exist elsewhere, if I'm not alone. But even if there are some compatible with me, how can I find those people? It's like lottery, the chances to not get rejected are way more high than to find someone that would like to share life with me. And I understand, everyone want to be normal, so to get with someone also normal. So I'm stuck. I don't see how the situation could reverse. I'm 37, I try to get control on things of my life that I can, to have this at least. I'm trying even if I feel that it's useless. While life has no sense, I still feel convinced that love can make it soft and good. But this seems impossible to reach. It's like if I was already death. I don't want to look at years pass while nothing change like I've seen all my life. I feel like if I missed the train of life, and that I look just pathetic trying to act like a normal person, and that everyone can eventually see it. I'm a good person, I can love deeply, I'm romantic, but I've not the security to keep my job because of random anxiety issues, I'm not a bulletproof money provider, and I'm not very manual I'm more an intellectual.

 

Sometimes I think about reincarnation, that we have a predetermined path to follow, that someone could reach me, that it's planned and I just need to stay alive and hope for it to come. But the life I had seems to prove that it doesn't exist. Miracles don't exist, and nothing is going to happen. I evade reality by writing, creating another life parallel to mine, in which I control things for a change. It keeps me alive. It's my only source of happiness and reason that make me continue for now, while I fight the pain of emptiness the rest of the time. How I'm supposed to meet someone? Posting online "Empty life, dark past, wish love and share life fun"? Without mentioning that almost all women have kids, I'm not up to this in my personal path, I would not know how to handle this. What I ask is simply to love, it's so basic, why it cannot be simple? Why it must go through so much challenges and barriers? Why it's not simple as it was as a teen? When people had nothing to prove, and just followed their instincts. Now to love you must be someone with a minimal level, which I don't think to have. However I'm full of good intents, I wish to love deeply, I wish to be happy, to make another happy. But it's like if it's not enough. Isn't it? Of course it's not enough. I'm like having a scrap life, I'm not valid, it's not repairable, unless someone special fall on me and I don't believe in this magic. I don't blame only drugs, social anxiety got me to avoid almost everything I could, not allowing me to progress and learn the things I would be supposed to have. But I thought I was not needing anyone, and now I think that love is the only thing that makes life worth it and the only thing I desire and it's out of reach.

I can relate to what you say, but we are valid. I have attachment issues, I am 55 and have never hit over this. I do accept it, and sometimes get into a relationship, but I can’t cope with the relationship. It’s the child in me that is afraid. I will accept that I will always be on my own, because it’s less painful. I have a dog whom I also express attachments usduez towards. I hate leaving her. I feel it if she is sad. Some things we can never get over just accept it . I hate it and I am tired of life with no live, but I push the love away because I am afraid, when all I want to be is loved. So once again, in time I will get over this feeling that I am experiencing at the moment,  depression and anxiety, but I won’t have a partner to share our love with, because I can’t deal with it. Life is still worth it, without love, we can make a nice life fir ourselves on our home, it’s. It great, but I have to accept that this is how it must be for me to help me stay well. 

To be honest, I have said for a long time......I don’t mind if I go now. 

Dont give up on meeting someone. Choose carefully the people you want to be with, people of similar interests, go to church, join a class/group/activity; with like minded people. If you don’t like it, don’t go again, but try something else. I did, I moved areas where no one new me , I enjoyed it, but I didn’t meet any one, my wall is up to protect me. But you might meet someone to love, I hope you do x

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UnfoldingSky

Oh dear, I had a whole response I thought was saved I was working on...don't know where it went...

 

 

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Bluewisp

I will not force you, it must have been a long writing as it sounds. But being the almost only answer here, there is no doubt that it would be greatly appreciated. I thought about my state of life from a lot of sides, and I still cannot see a way except one, seeking a soul in a similar state, not feeling valid too, for many reasons. But there is no way to achieve this. There is no dating sites for people like this. We are dots on a map of billions and there is no way to connect to each other, filter by state of life, or by type of life issues. There is no club for people with a huge empty hole in their life behind them, to meet, to start on the same base, the same "handicap". But it would be very great. It will take all my energy and to beat my biggest fears to just meet a stranger, so i doubt that I will be able to do it again and again, after a rejection for not being compatible with "normality". I feel that a rejection will only put me even more under where I am now. It will be like facing what I feared, that my thoughts are the truth, that it will stay like that. So I would better try with someone like me, if I really risk to go down even more. I talk about love because I don't see any other way to be happy, and to accept to be in this prison, "work", forever, while I have someone waiting for me, making sense to stand what is very hard to live, because the few hours passed in love would really worth it. I can't just live to live, I'm declining, it's just not bearable. I've known the power of love, and I know that it's the only thing that really matter. This was very long ago, but I've been happy through suffering, happy above everything. I touched paradise, and if I would have not known this state, I would have nothing to hope for right now. But my memory reminds me clearly how it was, how powerful it was, even through depression, even near death, this light was absolute, there is nothing like that, no substitute. This is my only hope even if it's out of my reach. I don't believe in fate, I do believe in some kind of spiritual world, but having no way to know that I'm supposed to do, I cannot hope for a miracle. I cannot just do anything hoping for it to work blindly. Of course psychiatry is useless for me. I live decently without AD, and my state of depression is circumstantial, there is nothing pathological. My reasons are more than enough to be like this. Drugs would only put me to sleep again to wake up in ten years and feeling worse than now. They don't know what they are doing.

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UnfoldingSky

Bluewisp, I will try to re-write what I wrote...

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