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Bluewisp

Emptiness

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Bluewisp

Hi

 

My condition pushed me to avoid people and I thought for a long time that I just needed peace. That I was not needing anything else. Being on antidepressants, I've not cared about my life, so in a way, the drugs were "working", preserving me from pain. However, preserving me from happiness too. Also, because of them, it was impossible to wake up and try to take control of this life. So it has been a huge waste of time. I've disappeared from public for so many years, until I decide to finish school at 25 and do a specialization at 28 but anxiety was back, and I quit antidepressants thinking that anyway it was not working, obviously. This withdrawal made everything 10 time worst, and provoked another isolation for years. I finally ended this specialization at 34...and worked for 2 years. And I got convinced that antidepressants damaged me much more than my actual initial condition so I stopped it and forever I hope. In a few days, it will be one year antidepressant free, the longest I was able to do and I'm decided to continue, hoping for the long term induced new problems to go away one day. It looks like I can live like this somehow, I think it worth the try to be freed one day of those symptoms.

 

However now I get this horrible situation: my life is empty, my past has nothing much, and my future has no interest. I think that I could live happy with a woman, even if I don't find a purpose for this life. Because with love, I could feel valid, I could share the fun in life, everything is better when not alone. But the reality is that I'm alone, and with the life I had, I have so little experience of everything in life, that I feel totally not valid as a lover. I have a lot of affection to give, but isolation makes me feel like a teen for a lot of practical things. I feel it like a fatality, forcing me to stay alone forever, never been able to catch up with the late in life knowledge, never been valid as a lover and I don't feel much valid as a human being too. I've not tried, I'm terrified. How to explain to someone that your life was empty and still empty? How can it be interesting? I can hide it, but my life was about that, I cannot hide my entire life! Everyone had a life, a path, but I don't have much, it's almost like if I got in 2019 with a time machine from 20 years ago. I just don't know what to do from there. Drugs would put me asleep again forever, saving me of the pain of emptiness, but I prefer to stay awake even if there is a small chance to be happy again. I don't know if my case exist elsewhere, if I'm not alone. But even if there are some compatible with me, how can I find those people? It's like lottery, the chances to not get rejected are way more high than to find someone that would like to share life with me. And I understand, everyone want to be normal, so to get with someone also normal. So I'm stuck. I don't see how the situation could reverse. I'm 37, I try to get control on things of my life that I can, to have this at least. I'm trying even if I feel that it's useless. While life has no sense, I still feel convinced that love can make it soft and good. But this seems impossible to reach. It's like if I was already death. I don't want to look at years pass while nothing change like I've seen all my life. I feel like if I missed the train of life, and that I look just pathetic trying to act like a normal person, and that everyone can eventually see it. I'm a good person, I can love deeply, I'm romantic, but I've not the security to keep my job because of random anxiety issues, I'm not a bulletproof money provider, and I'm not very manual I'm more an intellectual.

 

Sometimes I think about reincarnation, that we have a predetermined path to follow, that someone could reach me, that it's planned and I just need to stay alive and hope for it to come. But the life I had seems to prove that it doesn't exist. Miracles don't exist, and nothing is going to happen. I evade reality by writing, creating another life parallel to mine, in which I control things for a change. It keeps me alive. It's my only source of happiness and reason that make me continue for now, while I fight the pain of emptiness the rest of the time. How I'm supposed to meet someone? Posting online "Empty life, dark past, wish love and share life fun"? Without mentioning that almost all women have kids, I'm not up to this in my personal path, I would not know how to handle this. What I ask is simply to love, it's so basic, why it cannot be simple? Why it must go through so much challenges and barriers? Why it's not simple as it was as a teen? When people had nothing to prove, and just followed their instincts. Now to love you must be someone with a minimal level, which I don't think to have. However I'm full of good intents, I wish to love deeply, I wish to be happy, to make another happy. But it's like if it's not enough. Isn't it? Of course it's not enough. I'm like having a scrap life, I'm not valid, it's not repairable, unless someone special fall on me and I don't believe in this magic. I don't blame only drugs, social anxiety got me to avoid almost everything I could, not allowing me to progress and learn the things I would be supposed to have. But I thought I was not needing anyone, and now I think that love is the only thing that makes life worth it and the only thing I desire and it's out of reach.

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UnfoldingSky

Hi Bluewisp,

 

I'm surprised no one has commented yet, and I haven't much time to write right now so will have to come back later to comment more, but, I feel what you are saying here.  I think psychiatry has actually sidelined a lot of people from life.  I personally was harmed by psych drug reactions and withdrawal, I was sick for a long time from that.  Once I began to recover it was sort of like waking up from a coma.  While I was in withdrawal I felt really dissociated, and barely even felt human, so to suddenly feel back in my body and like i was 'here", was a bit of a shock.  Add to this I had been so out of it while withdrawal was going on I couldn't pay attention to a lot of changes in the world and suddenly it became very much like waking from a long coma...I didn't know how all of things that changed had become different.  Now people I used to know have established families, the places I was familiar with have changed a lot and I often feel left behind even though I've managed to accomplish some things since recovering that are really quite amazing.  And sometimes like you I struggle to explain "the lost years" to people. I NEVER tell anyone I don't know really well what happened anymore. So I have had people say things like why I didn't do something I wanted to do, like say visit a certain country, thinking I just was too lazy to be bothered.  The real reason was withdrawal. 

 

I have to go to bed but will write more in a bit as I'm able...

 

 

 

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Bluewisp

Hi UnfoldingSky

 

I think drugs are the new electro therapy. It works completely random depending on who, create more problems than what is "positive", if anything is positive at all. I was a zombie, but I was not complaining or requesting help anymore, so it was considered like "working". Plus it added latent new issues, which fired when I started to withdraw. Much more intense and horrible issues than everything I got before to start, worsening my life to a crazy point. I don't call this medicine and it's not much more than a coma as you said. I took them since my teen years, I stopped last year and suddenly I'm awake, out of the matrix, and realize that I slept all this time. I'm really pissed of all those "medicine", of people blocked on them being persuaded that they cannot stop them because the withdrawal is not one but "their natural self coming back", and psychiatry will wake up itself only in a lot of years about that (their own wake up will be the worst irony of all psy history). My life is now, I decided to confront them and take control of my life.

 

Even if it would be recognized to be true, it's already done for me. I'm there, from a time warp. I cannot hide inexperienced things all the time and forever, because of this long sleep. People see me like "special" and not in a good way. It cannot be otherwise than weird to have someone out of a story like that. I understand that it's scary for people, but even if I would hide it, I cannot lie pretending having a life that I've not had. I'm late on a lot of things and it will be obvious soon or later anyway. And of course people ask questions. I would just need someone that go over all this, more interested by me than by this story. It not turned me into a monster, it's a train I missed. I don't know how to turn me in a valid person, I hardly fit in people of my age, they think about houses, kids, I'm not in there. I don't even know if I'll be one day. Sometimes I feel stuck outside normal life progression, it's not that it's bad but it is seen this way for others. All is about image. If you fail this test, you may be an awesome person, people will never get there to see it. I may progress but people also do it, so there seems to be a continuous gap impossible to catch up.

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Nelly
On 5/22/2019 at 2:04 AM, Bluewisp said:

Hi

 

My condition pushed me to avoid people and I thought for a long time that I just needed peace. That I was not needing anything else. Being on antidepressants, I've not cared about my life, so in a way, the drugs were "working", preserving me from pain. However, preserving me from happiness too. Also, because of them, it was impossible to wake up and try to take control of this life. So it has been a huge waste of time. I've disappeared from public for so many years, until I decide to finish school at 25 and do a specialization at 28 but anxiety was back, and I quit antidepressants thinking that anyway it was not working, obviously. This withdrawal made everything 10 time worst, and provoked another isolation for years. I finally ended this specialization at 34...and worked for 2 years. And I got convinced that antidepressants damaged me much more than my actual initial condition so I stopped it and forever I hope. In a few days, it will be one year antidepressant free, the longest I was able to do and I'm decided to continue, hoping for the long term induced new problems to go away one day. It looks like I can live like this somehow, I think it worth the try to be freed one day of those symptoms.

 

However now I get this horrible situation: my life is empty, my past has nothing much, and my future has no interest. I think that I could live happy with a woman, even if I don't find a purpose for this life. Because with love, I could feel valid, I could share the fun in life, everything is better when not alone. But the reality is that I'm alone, and with the life I had, I have so little experience of everything in life, that I feel totally not valid as a lover. I have a lot of affection to give, but isolation makes me feel like a teen for a lot of practical things. I feel it like a fatality, forcing me to stay alone forever, never been able to catch up with the late in life knowledge, never been valid as a lover and I don't feel much valid as a human being too. I've not tried, I'm terrified. How to explain to someone that your life was empty and still empty? How can it be interesting? I can hide it, but my life was about that, I cannot hide my entire life! Everyone had a life, a path, but I don't have much, it's almost like if I got in 2019 with a time machine from 20 years ago. I just don't know what to do from there. Drugs would put me asleep again forever, saving me of the pain of emptiness, but I prefer to stay awake even if there is a small chance to be happy again. I don't know if my case exist elsewhere, if I'm not alone. But even if there are some compatible with me, how can I find those people? It's like lottery, the chances to not get rejected are way more high than to find someone that would like to share life with me. And I understand, everyone want to be normal, so to get with someone also normal. So I'm stuck. I don't see how the situation could reverse. I'm 37, I try to get control on things of my life that I can, to have this at least. I'm trying even if I feel that it's useless. While life has no sense, I still feel convinced that love can make it soft and good. But this seems impossible to reach. It's like if I was already death. I don't want to look at years pass while nothing change like I've seen all my life. I feel like if I missed the train of life, and that I look just pathetic trying to act like a normal person, and that everyone can eventually see it. I'm a good person, I can love deeply, I'm romantic, but I've not the security to keep my job because of random anxiety issues, I'm not a bulletproof money provider, and I'm not very manual I'm more an intellectual.

 

Sometimes I think about reincarnation, that we have a predetermined path to follow, that someone could reach me, that it's planned and I just need to stay alive and hope for it to come. But the life I had seems to prove that it doesn't exist. Miracles don't exist, and nothing is going to happen. I evade reality by writing, creating another life parallel to mine, in which I control things for a change. It keeps me alive. It's my only source of happiness and reason that make me continue for now, while I fight the pain of emptiness the rest of the time. How I'm supposed to meet someone? Posting online "Empty life, dark past, wish love and share life fun"? Without mentioning that almost all women have kids, I'm not up to this in my personal path, I would not know how to handle this. What I ask is simply to love, it's so basic, why it cannot be simple? Why it must go through so much challenges and barriers? Why it's not simple as it was as a teen? When people had nothing to prove, and just followed their instincts. Now to love you must be someone with a minimal level, which I don't think to have. However I'm full of good intents, I wish to love deeply, I wish to be happy, to make another happy. But it's like if it's not enough. Isn't it? Of course it's not enough. I'm like having a scrap life, I'm not valid, it's not repairable, unless someone special fall on me and I don't believe in this magic. I don't blame only drugs, social anxiety got me to avoid almost everything I could, not allowing me to progress and learn the things I would be supposed to have. But I thought I was not needing anyone, and now I think that love is the only thing that makes life worth it and the only thing I desire and it's out of reach.

I can relate to what you say, but we are valid. I have attachment issues, I am 55 and have never hit over this. I do accept it, and sometimes get into a relationship, but I can’t cope with the relationship. It’s the child in me that is afraid. I will accept that I will always be on my own, because it’s less painful. I have a dog whom I also express attachments usduez towards. I hate leaving her. I feel it if she is sad. Some things we can never get over just accept it . I hate it and I am tired of life with no live, but I push the love away because I am afraid, when all I want to be is loved. So once again, in time I will get over this feeling that I am experiencing at the moment,  depression and anxiety, but I won’t have a partner to share our love with, because I can’t deal with it. Life is still worth it, without love, we can make a nice life fir ourselves on our home, it’s. It great, but I have to accept that this is how it must be for me to help me stay well. 

To be honest, I have said for a long time......I don’t mind if I go now. 

Dont give up on meeting someone. Choose carefully the people you want to be with, people of similar interests, go to church, join a class/group/activity; with like minded people. If you don’t like it, don’t go again, but try something else. I did, I moved areas where no one new me , I enjoyed it, but I didn’t meet any one, my wall is up to protect me. But you might meet someone to love, I hope you do x

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UnfoldingSky

Oh dear, I had a whole response I thought was saved I was working on...don't know where it went...

 

 

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Bluewisp

I will not force you, it must have been a long writing as it sounds. But being the almost only answer here, there is no doubt that it would be greatly appreciated. I thought about my state of life from a lot of sides, and I still cannot see a way except one, seeking a soul in a similar state, not feeling valid too, for many reasons. But there is no way to achieve this. There is no dating sites for people like this. We are dots on a map of billions and there is no way to connect to each other, filter by state of life, or by type of life issues. There is no club for people with a huge empty hole in their life behind them, to meet, to start on the same base, the same "handicap". But it would be very great. It will take all my energy and to beat my biggest fears to just meet a stranger, so i doubt that I will be able to do it again and again, after a rejection for not being compatible with "normality". I feel that a rejection will only put me even more under where I am now. It will be like facing what I feared, that my thoughts are the truth, that it will stay like that. So I would better try with someone like me, if I really risk to go down even more. I talk about love because I don't see any other way to be happy, and to accept to be in this prison, "work", forever, while I have someone waiting for me, making sense to stand what is very hard to live, because the few hours passed in love would really worth it. I can't just live to live, I'm declining, it's just not bearable. I've known the power of love, and I know that it's the only thing that really matter. This was very long ago, but I've been happy through suffering, happy above everything. I touched paradise, and if I would have not known this state, I would have nothing to hope for right now. But my memory reminds me clearly how it was, how powerful it was, even through depression, even near death, this light was absolute, there is nothing like that, no substitute. This is my only hope even if it's out of my reach. I don't believe in fate, I do believe in some kind of spiritual world, but having no way to know that I'm supposed to do, I cannot hope for a miracle. I cannot just do anything hoping for it to work blindly. Of course psychiatry is useless for me. I live decently without AD, and my state of depression is circumstantial, there is nothing pathological. My reasons are more than enough to be like this. Drugs would only put me to sleep again to wake up in ten years and feeling worse than now. They don't know what they are doing.

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UnfoldingSky

Bluewisp, I will try to re-write what I wrote...

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UnfoldingSky
On 5/25/2019 at 4:54 PM, Bluewisp said:

Hi UnfoldingSky

 

I think drugs are the new electro therapy. It works completely random depending on who, create more problems than what is "positive", if anything is positive at all. I was a zombie, but I was not complaining or requesting help anymore, so it was considered like "working". Plus it added latent new issues, which fired when I started to withdraw. Much more intense and horrible issues than everything I got before to start, worsening my life to a crazy point. I don't call this medicine and it's not much more than a coma as you said. I took them since my teen years, I stopped last year and suddenly I'm awake, out of the matrix, and realize that I slept all this time. I'm really pissed of all those "medicine", of people blocked on them being persuaded that they cannot stop them because the withdrawal is not one but "their natural self coming back", and psychiatry will wake up itself only in a lot of years about that (their own wake up will be the worst irony of all psy history). My life is now, I decided to confront them and take control of my life.

 

Even if it would be recognized to be true, it's already done for me. I'm there, from a time warp. I cannot hide inexperienced things all the time and forever, because of this long sleep. People see me like "special" and not in a good way. It cannot be otherwise than weird to have someone out of a story like that. I understand that it's scary for people, but even if I would hide it, I cannot lie pretending having a life that I've not had. I'm late on a lot of things and it will be obvious soon or later anyway. And of course people ask questions. I would just need someone that go over all this, more interested by me than by this story. It not turned me into a monster, it's a train I missed. I don't know how to turn me in a valid person, I hardly fit in people of my age, they think about houses, kids, I'm not in there. I don't even know if I'll be one day. Sometimes I feel stuck outside normal life progression, it's not that it's bad but it is seen this way for others. All is about image. If you fail this test, you may be an awesome person, people will never get there to see it. I may progress but people also do it, so there seems to be a continuous gap impossible to catch up.

 

Hi again Bluewisp,

 

I agree that the drugs are the new ECT. And I so understand the time warp feeling as well.  And I have problems with keeping up with what others expect too, I've long been the sort of person who gets tired of having to present an image to others just to be viewed as acceptable, but of course the drugs have really hampered my ability TO do that on top of everything so that, like you, I'm "outside" of the normal flow of life events.  However, as life goes on some people get divorced, can't afford their homes anymore, have to move in with others for reasons other than our sort of experiences, so it does happen that some are not able to project the image either--for different reasons.  Where I live now housing is so so expensive and just about everyone has to take in renters or extended family just to make ends meet, either that or they live in very poor areas on their own.  Of course none of this really stops the time warp feeling I have, (and it's not like I want these bad things happening to other people too.)  I think I'm so traumatized by what psychiatry did to me, it was this great tragedy affecting so many of us and yet the rest of society doesn't even realize it happened, and I have to put on a smile and pretend like I never had my life ruined.  It is very hard at times.

 

It maybe wouldn't be so bad if my friends stuck around but aside from one who died and another who wanted contact with me whom i was forced to stop speaking to, most of them didn't, or I pushed them away.  So it feels like I really am living in a different time period, where these people just don't exist anymore even though they do (of course except the friend who died.)  I can meet new people and I have met a few, but of course the shared history just isn't there with them that I would have had with my friends where they remember me from before all of this stuff happened. 

 

 

 

 

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PoetJester

Hi Bluewisp

 

I can relate to a lot of your original topic post.   I feel like i didn't really get to live on the pills and spent most of my life both before the pills and while on them, wondering if i would ever find love.   I was on zoloft and zyprexa for 15 years and for a large chunk of that time was isolated from society, with hypersomnia (sleeping 15 hours a day) and with stomach problems and unable to work.  The last 8 years on the pills was basically like being in a pill hibernation or pill prison where i would sleep most of the day and only wake to eat and watch a little t.v. before falling back asleep again, and it felt like i was watching my life pass me by without being lived at all- most of my 30's and early 40's went this way.   About the only things i did during this time, outside of sleeping, was reading classic novels and watching television and i knew those two things weren't exactly occupations that you could earn a living on (or even afford to take someone out to dinner with) even though i enjoyed both.  If someone asked me what i did for a living back then, it became a bit of an embarrasment to have to answer "nothing"  or "i read".  

 

I wrote a poem about my life back then.

 

Man spends a lifetime

Staring out the window

Swallowing psychiatric pills against his will         (i had been court-ordered to take zoloft and zyprexa in 1998)

Muses, "I wish i had found hunky-dory love          (hunky-dory means "just fine" or "just perfect")

Instead with a french fille."

 

One night in my apartment in 2012 or so, i started thinking about my life and how unsuccesful i had been up until then.  i had been in and out of institutions, worked odd jobs now and now and then, had barely dated (i hadn't even been on a date in 12 years at that point, now almost 19 years without a date as i write this), and after being on high doses of zyprexa for so long,  was extremely overweight, and had liver problems and blood pressure issues and was totally inactive, hardly ever leaving my apartment or even seeing the sun in almost a decade.  That night I felt like a failure, and began weeping.  As I was sitting at my desk rolling a cigarette,  my head became bowed and my whole body began shaking and my shoulders started heaving and tears streamed down my face and i asked myself "Why was i even born?" and at that moment i heard God's voice answer me saying "To seek Love's Pelf"   (pelf is an old word meaning "bounty or riches")

 

I stopped the drugs in 2014 and became more active and lost a lot of weight and felt better about myself, although the sleep issues in withdrawal have been a cruel torment and struggle and have affected my health adversely.    I don't really have much advice, except to maybe find self-love first, a sense of pride in your own self and accomplishments.   find something you like doing and then with that hopefully things will fall into place in the love life.   I started my own very small golf ball business-  i just go out on bike a few times a week to area golf courses and pick balls and sell them online.  It's not much financially, but it helps.   I still doubt sometimes whether i will ever find love in my lifetime, but i do feel a little better about myself, being able to work now and a little more confident in myself as a man for having to suffer through all this.   

 

Poetjester (Derek)

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Bluewisp

Thank you UnfoldingSky and PoetJester. I took those meds for anxiety, and anxiety is closely bound to self confidence. So each time I tried to stop them, by the symptoms it was causing, I've seen a relapse of anxiety (and of course doctors too). I needed at end to be strong enough to trust in my senses and separate what was from me and from the meds to finally be able to stop them. And at each coming back of the withdrawal symptoms, I still had to trust in my theory until the end. The principle of believing in a relapse upon withdrawing is a huge masquerade for a large part of the cases I think. Those things are like cocaine, the body is sick when you don't feed it with them, and this has nothing to do with a relapse. I can't even blame doctors, they are not aware themselves, put they are a stick in the wheels convincing you that you relapse. I'm sure those things help some people, but really not all and I'm sure it adds a lot of new issues taken for being from the body, a kind of worsening of any illness, which is the second illusion. When you take this for so long you almost forget how it was before to take meds.

 

I get it that not all people success with the american dream, that they are potential candidates for us. But I don't think it makes them at my level, that it's simple as that. They are certainly more apt to be compatible though. My doctor said that he has patients far worse than me that still find love on dating sites...Well maybe but after how many tries? At the cost of which energy? How far you have to be hurt and rejected for one day to be lucky? And as PoetJester said, we say what about the past? I had no life for 15+ years, how interesting or maybe frightening is someone saying that? We must avoid saying things that may be scary, but we must not lie at the same time. But there is no much way to describe and work around an empty life. The story is short. My doctor says it's not so hard, that I complexify things. He is normal and has probably more self confidence than others, so I guess of course it's simple, for them. I feel that a part of me is still there in the past. From the 7 billion of people, let's say 3.5 of women, I'm sure anyone as at least 1000 that are compatible worldwide. But we have no way to contact them, there is no filter for that "compatible with me", and they can't be as much around a single city, so we are stuck to some kind of lottery, hoping for the best, a lottery in which we have drastically less chance than most of people. I've never been in dating this way, and never even done the first step for a new friend. They were coming to me. It takes me a lot of courage to do this by myself, I know that I will have to do it and it will be a huge amount of stress. A thing so trivial for most of people. And I fear failure to make me feel even worse, fear the next time even more. Each time I see a couple, I feel that it could not be me. The simple guy on the beach that get calls from friends, my friends are online, except for one. I'm not able to live with people always calling so I always managed to keep only people that don't push always to do something, but I've been physically alone for 15+ years. I'm more a one to one type, I  don't like groups much. I just cannot see someone that will feel good with me for me not having friends, past life, I mean it's normal to feel it weird. I don't know how far they will go, before to just seek someone else. I know that no one will come if I don't actively search for someone.

 

PoetJester, have you literally heard god talking to you? And I'm not judging, I would be delighted to have proof that the other world exist and that my life has some purpose. I was raised as a christian but left all that long ago. I prayed when I was a teen for my life of bullying to end and never anything happened. In 2014 I started to be interested in spiritism, which I consider the most possible theory of something above life, but despite my interest and that I read all the books, I've still no proof, my prayers stayed silent, I've even never felt my dead father. If reincarnation would be true, I could suppose that this life of suffering was planned, and everything would have sense. But for now I can't live on this. I cried and even screamed sometimes for something or someone to hear and help me, and nothing never happened.

 

Fortunately stopping meds also brought good, I started to have a big interest in a writing project. PoetJester, you seem to be a writer too, guys like that seem uncommon. Anyway, this is a novel, in which I can live another life with my chars, and things can be rough but eventually become a wonderful progress for them. It seems that they are my children, the only children I will ever have, and I love them this way. This project is making me like a father, and allow me to live another life, a working life, a wonderful life. I think I have talent for writing, and I'm not the kind to recognize my good sides, but this one is more obvious. I don't write for selling or to please others, I do this for me. It will probably be the only thing that I'm really proud of, something unique that cannot be reproduced and that make me special. Maybe it will help me to find someone, I don't know. Maybe it's the way I will get my self esteem. But this thing is like the only light in my darkness aside a few online friends. I like what I write. I often say, I cannot die before to have finished this, and actually, I don't want to finish it because I feel too good writing it (and reading it). This is a very long story, so I'm not near the end before a long time anyway.

 

I'm someone that can love deeply, I'm romantic, I can't stand lack of respect for women, I defended them in another life very long ago...I may be different, not having many friends, having an empty life, but I think I can be loved if I can have the chance to past the first impressions and the weirdness that stick to me. At least I know that I'm not a douchebag or a guy that seek only sex, something that a lot of women seem to complaint about. I feel sometimes that I pass beside things only by fear but I cannot help it much. I hope to feel be enough soon, to dare trying, before I get too old... Thanks for your words. It's good to feel less alone in this empty hole. My only physical friend, a girl I met at my old job (one of the only girls in this specialization), I wanted to know her more but she told me today that she met someone...so maybe now that I will risk more easily to tell my story, since I have not much to lose with her anymore. Well yes, her friendship, but I doubt that my weirdness can break friendship. You know sometimes I think, telling my story could end in two possible ways with a new girl: scare her, or create intimacy with compassion and make her develop an interest in me. It's a theory...I would certainly start by a friendship anyway before to try anything. If people like us could be reunited...we could find someone much more easily. A kind of dating site for people with no life. Why everything in this life has to be so scary and complicated, while it seems so easy for everyone else, or most of them.

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UnfoldingSky

Bluewisp, I will endeavor to get back to you, hopefully later tonight...

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UnfoldingSky

Yet again my saved response disappeared...I don't know what's going on it saves short responses but not longer ones?

 

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Bluewisp

I'm very sorry for you. Actually I write in notepad++, it's less risky, unless it's in gmail which save every few characters. I don't see any auto-save option here or save button.

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UnfoldingSky

Hi Bluewisp, how are you doing?

 

My responses used to auto-save here, but for whatever reason some mysterious force seems aimed at keeping me from writing you a small novel. 

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Bluewisp

Hi, I'm good. The summer is nice, I'm still not working, I enjoy my last time of freedom since I've enough money for a while. I still like working on my project, it's the only thing that I feel important. And I have a lot of time to think. I do hiking, biking and beach days. I'm still waiting on a waiting list for a psychologist. I'm not bored, in fact time goes extremely fast. Finding a girl after so much time alone, with so many issues, I don't know how I will do it and where I will get the courage but I know that there is no fate, life taught me that the only way to get something is to act. I expect a lot of help for this from the psychologist. I get seriously involved in my project, I'm thinking that it may be big enough to provoke a change of state of mind, for how I see myself. If I would be asked what I've done of my life, I would not know what to answer. But if I end publishing a novel, if it works, it's something I know I will be proud of. It's something unique that I cannot say that everyone does it. I'm grateful for this passion to have appeared, I would have nothing if not. I was writing a lot when I was 15-16, I stopped until last year. I'm 37, and being freed of antidepressants popped a strong desire to write a story. Seriously I'm almost certain it would have never happened if I was still on sertraline, since I've watched my life pass without caring too much. So I stick to this project, which is already changing my life, and I hope it will change it more, make me feel different and get some confidence. Because I think everything is about this...I've being told by a recent online friend that working on my own fulfillment could make me to see me more valuable to someone, more valid. Even if people say I am, as long as I feel I'm not, it will be very hard to go forward. It happens for me to think that it could be easier than I think. But the fear is strong. I don't want to be rejected to feel a confirmation that it cannot work. I don't want to get into a more down state.

 

I still have remains of sertraline even one year and 2 months after (random restless leg syndrome only at 11:30pm and rare strong muscle spasm but one occurrence only for several days). I also have issues with quetiapine that I can distinguish from sertraline. It looks like nothing but it's something to have finally stopped those sh*tty pills, my life changed a lot in one year. I will never get on those things again. I'm still waiting to stop quetiapine, I want no remains of sertraline at all, for several months before to do it. Seriously, I think I never needed those things at all...I may talk that I lack self confidence but I've built enough of it to trust myself enough that I can live without antidepressants, and I've done it. I was alone in this, no one understand and everyone thought I would never be able to live without. Stopping to work allowed me to not mix heavy job stress to the withdrawal and split what is from where clearly. Leaving work killed my anxiety fast.

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ShiningLight

This is me too. And I'm in the next decade of life. I really relate. It feels like at some point not having had long term relationships becomes a barrier in other people's eyes. How do present that you were asleep and apathetic for decades?

 

Zoloft here too, interestingly.  😢 Glad you're off it.

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UnfoldingSky
On 7/26/2019 at 10:36 PM, Bluewisp said:

Hi, I'm good. The summer is nice, I'm still not working, I enjoy my last time of freedom since I've enough money for a while. I still like working on my project, it's the only thing that I feel important. And I have a lot of time to think. I do hiking, biking and beach days. I'm still waiting on a waiting list for a psychologist. I'm not bored, in fact time goes extremely fast. Finding a girl after so much time alone, with so many issues, I don't know how I will do it and where I will get the courage but I know that there is no fate, life taught me that the only way to get something is to act. I expect a lot of help for this from the psychologist. I get seriously involved in my project, I'm thinking that it may be big enough to provoke a change of state of mind, for how I see myself. If I would be asked what I've done of my life, I would not know what to answer. But if I end publishing a novel, if it works, it's something I know I will be proud of. It's something unique that I cannot say that everyone does it. I'm grateful for this passion to have appeared, I would have nothing if not. I was writing a lot when I was 15-16, I stopped until last year. I'm 37, and being freed of antidepressants popped a strong desire to write a story. Seriously I'm almost certain it would have never happened if I was still on sertraline, since I've watched my life pass without caring too much. So I stick to this project, which is already changing my life, and I hope it will change it more, make me feel different and get some confidence. Because I think everything is about this...I've being told by a recent online friend that working on my own fulfillment could make me to see me more valuable to someone, more valid. Even if people say I am, as long as I feel I'm not, it will be very hard to go forward. It happens for me to think that it could be easier than I think. But the fear is strong. I don't want to be rejected to feel a confirmation that it cannot work. I don't want to get into a more down state.

 

I still have remains of sertraline even one year and 2 months after (random restless leg syndrome only at 11:30pm and rare strong muscle spasm but one occurrence only for several days). I also have issues with quetiapine that I can distinguish from sertraline. It looks like nothing but it's something to have finally stopped those sh*tty pills, my life changed a lot in one year. I will never get on those things again. I'm still waiting to stop quetiapine, I want no remains of sertraline at all, for several months before to do it. Seriously, I think I never needed those things at all...I may talk that I lack self confidence but I've built enough of it to trust myself enough that I can live without antidepressants, and I've done it. I was alone in this, no one understand and everyone thought I would never be able to live without. Stopping to work allowed me to not mix heavy job stress to the withdrawal and split what is from where clearly. Leaving work killed my anxiety fast.

 

Hi Bluewisp,

 

I am sorry it took me so long to respond. I ran into some problems here.  Your summer sounds almost idyllic, but for the issues relating to trying to meet someone and lingering problems from pills.  Not that it's any of my business but I'm curious to know what your book is about...I'm working on one myself, though lately have run up against writer's block.  Hiking, biking and going to the beach are activities I was into as well...

 

I think regarding the issue with meeting someone and the pills I've personally realized lately I have to just accept I'm different than people now.  I think I have been trying too hard to fit in.  In a way I just never have fit in to society, even before the pill use. I was in an off and on relationship for a long time which wasn't a good one, then when it broke up I was so happy to be single and have my freedom I had no interest in dating.  So I was okay being alone for several years.  Then last year a number of men took an interest in me--I was not actively looking--so went out with a few of them just to see where things went...well it didn't work out very well, would have been better to stay alone.  

 

Everywhere I look though the men I meet believe in psychiatry, so I don't even have a chance to discuss what happened to me, I don't feel safe even bringing it up lest I'm not believed and they just think the pill issues are really "me".  So this is not going to make for finding anyone that easily i think.  I can't hide all of what happened nor would I want to if dating someone.  I would be happy enough being alone if I had more friends but I only have a few new ones I made.  I am like you I can't handle having people around now who always want to be doing things, I could have managed it before but now with the pill issues, and not being able to keep up generally it's just too hard.  So my state is not conducive to keeping a lot of friends, sadly. 

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Bluewisp

Hi

 

ShiningLight, I don't think zoloft is more to blame than another. I think all antidepressants could do the same. An empty life is probably scary for a potential new friend and also scary for an employer. I guess the only way to bring it is to delay it, until the person likes you enough to be ready to take it. Of course it doesn't work with an employer, which need to know you right away. I can't even be angry at someone, doctors don't know how meds really work, they are told how to use them in universities, everyone holding the techniques think it's the best way. They don't really do research for long term because they don't expect issues and because psychiatry is complex, rarely one med only is involved and changes are made on the way. It took me 20 years to understand how things really work and how it damaged my life.

 

UnfoldingSky, for the book, I really care about scenario stealing so I will share it with you but only in a private message. I think it's a really bad idea to put this public, bots are already saving all the posts. Could you tell me what you write as well? You are a woman right? Since you talk about men. I've no physical friends except one but she is ignoring me (reject invitations and never offer anything herself). 1000 people would be compatible for each person, on the entire planet. But we have no way to contact them. Love or friendship doesn't matter if compatibility doesn't work. I'm certainly not compatible with common people... Most people enjoy grouping and socializing, so that's why I say this. I'm a very one to one person. Here I don't think there are people who believe really or not in psychiatry, I think they just don't know what it is. Mentioning the word would probably be enough to scare them already. The first time I was hospitalized for anxiety, whatever it's depression, anxiety or psychosis, they put everyone at the same place. I refused people to visit me because I wanted to avoid them to link me with the worst cases around and be scared of me after. It's also a thing I would avoid to say. People can differentiate a broken arm from someone on dialysis, but they don't do it for psychiatry except if they work in psychology. 2019 is still far not enough. Technology may be developed but we are more like kids playing with grenades than knowledgeable adults. My first psychiatrist was the one to admit that we don't know exactly know how the brain and drugs work. We see correlations but it's not so deep. Otherwise it would be straightforward. Actually I fought symptoms from drugs much more than natural symptoms, for which I took other drugs, than it's a kind of spiral and you end up far worse than at the beginning. The theory is "you developed more". It's pure bullsh*t. It can happens, but I know it's not my case. I had panic attacks originally and ended with 4 more different issues that started the day where I was leaving drugs. So overwhelmed, I trusted doctors that I was just broken and that I needed more pills. Also, they don't trust patients. My anxiety worsened on ativan, while no other benzos was doing this. Whatever it was, it was happening. But no, they said it was from me, it was impossible since those drugs are supposed to lower anxiety. In no cases it could be taken seriously, because I'm "ill", like if I cannot think clearly for myself.

 

I'm beginning to grasp the concept of accepting being different and that I don't fit. I understand that if it's painful it's because we are still not there, where we should live in peace with it. A concept can be read about a lot but it's completely different to feel it starting to be true inside. I expose it myself in my book... I can explain it without still living it in myself. But those months work free gave me a lot of time to think. I'm progressing in feeling the concept to be true for myself and getting the benefits from it. It's slow but I think it's coming. Even if rejection is part of life for seeking a partner, I would still prefer to avoid it to happen. I really don't need this and I can just imagine how bad it could affect me. Anyway I'm not interested in pure dating, I think it's the worst way to find someone. I only believe in friendship to become love. So you don't lose love, you are not rejected, you are just kept as a friend. Also, it gives the time to know the other and see it coming. Also I'm not saying love is the thing for everyone. I just cannot see how I could live happily in the current life I have if I stay alone. From everything that could count for being happy, I only see love as the real thing. Probably because I lived it and I never felt my life be so fulfilled in other ways.

 

UnfoldingSky I'll send my private message to you soon.

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Bluewisp

I just learned this week that I never had a schizoid personality. I have an avoidant personality disorder, all the elements on the list. Which made me act like a schizoid person, which is completely different. They have made me think that I avoid people because I don't need them, while actually I fear them (rejection, humiliation, embarrassment, all the risks) and that's why I avoided people. And antidepressants put me in a state where I've felt only 25% the need of people in my life because I was not carrying for anything anymore. 19 years of lies that I don't need people, solidified by antidepressants, where I thought I was not human and very weird. It took a therapist to make me see this, and that is explaining why that I feel so alone and need love so much now that antidepressants are gone and that my humanity is unblocked. There is no doubt that I would have continued to live like this forever if I would not have stopped the drugs. It's an euphemism to say that those things stolen my life. Now the pain of emptiness is pushing me to change, and the fact that I know that I'm human and need love, friendship and affection like others, I can feel more like others, more close to them, and it's really good. I'm not weird this much as I thought, and it will make things easier, I can trust myself more. I bet that in a near future, the danger of those drugs will be so obvious that they will be used in last ressort and on very short times. It's completely stupid for a psychiatrist to evaluate someone as indifferent and detached from people when antidepressants taken are doing the thing alone. Those conclusions are adding a big weight on the shoulders to feel different and "sick", as much as all the technical names they put on you for a state of mind that is not the real you. With a low self-esteem, you believe everything that is said and you are ending feeling broken much more than from the start. You are even accepting to be someone you are not and because the drugs kill your pain to be different and to exist, you don't even try to go forward. It's a trap that is very hard to escape. Even from today when I mention that my feelings were blocked, my psychiatrist gives to me a weird look. They have no idea what they are doing, it's obvious. They blindly follow what they learned from schools of medicine and this data is not the full reality and has a lot of things lacking and misconceptions. But you are the patient, so they analyze you through your words and don't analyse the words, because you cannot be right since you are not doctor and don't know anything. I think I could lose a lot of time trying to convince one, not mentionning the ego they want to protect. So for me they are completely useless and I just hope to remove seroquel one day and never go in any of those offices anymore, losing my time, my life and my money. At the contrary, psychology can do a lot of good and it's on what I am today. Not because they understand the dark face of drugs, but because they don't work with them, and we know much more about the mind than about the drugs. For me, psychiatry is failing and my example is what happen when you do 10min appointments that are not enough to know someone, mixed to a kind of science that lack a lot of things and assume too much to know what they are doing. A honest psychiatrist told me one day that they don't know how drugs are working, but based on observation we notice the results and it works even if we don't know exactly how. This prove that they don't also understand withdrawals and all the effects, especially for long term. So the good new is, I'm human, I'm much more like others than what I thought, and it will help to feel confident enough to dare to take new steps.

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Altostrata

I'd take shifting psychiatric diagnoses with a grain of salt. They really don't know what they're looking at.

 

Do the best you can to fill holes in your life. If you want more social contact, seek groups that are supportive and non-threatening, such as hobby groups, game groups, music appreciation groups.

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ShiningLight
3 hours ago, Bluewisp said:

I just learned this week that I never had a schizoid personality. I have an avoidant personality disorder, all the elements on the list. Which made me act like a schizoid person, which is completely different. They have made me think that I avoid people because I don't need them, while actually I fear them (rejection, humiliation, embarrassment, all the risks) and that's why I avoided people. 

 

Read The Myth of Mental Illness. It's on hoopladigital.com.

 

An excellent critique of psychiatry. I'd be cautious of therapy too. It can be good or harmful, depending. Glad you had a good experience.

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Bluewisp

I started karate, it's my week 4. I do it for all the psychological effects and to bathe in people before attemping to work again. I don't know if I'll be able to work, but money is thawing and I got an offer that I will surely accept. I don't know how far the ghost of sertraline around is pushing my anxiety issues, but my doctor was too stupid to give me any disability paper in February, forcing me to resign and live on my own money, and anyway it's not what I really want. I want to be normal enough to not end alone, as you know already. And I must work like everyone for this. Also, the disability status give not enough money anyway. So I'm like forced to work. I proved with the last months that I can live without antidepressants, but working is a completely different level. Of course I could return on sertraline, which mean going from 80.73kg to 99.79kg, sweat like a pig, have random sedation, muscle spasms, being not able to stand any heat and having neck ticks that destroy it and erasing all the progress I've done by purging antidepressant changes in my body since one year and 7 months. I would become a zombie again, with no interests and not caring for anything, and it would take 6 months or more to "work". So it's not really an option...Probably that half my anxiety is caused by the changes that are still not reverted back in my body but I can't measure it. At this point it's almost just a faith thing, believing the theory that old changes done by antidepressants are still in effect, and since I still have restless leg syndrome and occasional muscle spasms (big, not natural), any mental changes can be there as well. It took all my life to have enough courage to trust those theories and to stand still by waiting my natural old self to be back from the antidepressant nightmare. Believe in myself enough to do something against doctors, and pretty much everyone else under that rely only on doctors. One thing is certain, living on those things is not a solution and the issues that come with them were worsening. I do what I should have done at 17 years old 20 years ago: find other ways to cope and believe in my power to do so. But I was too overwhelmed and not trusting me and my body in any ways. My parents never accompanied me in this, they were only asking me to "stop being stupid", otherwise I would have got the confidence and esteem maybe enough to not give up my life so fast to drugs. But it seems I'm there today. We are alone in the end, we fight for ourselves alone, and despite all the psychiatry stuff in place, no one can really understand if they don't have our troubles, and if they never swallowed any pills. Observation will never be enough and I'm convinced that one day, antidepressants will be recognized for the hell they are really and all their long term body change mecanism that every doctor deny, and they will be replaced by something else. This day, we will say "we told you thousand of times".

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