Neuro loneliness - Is it iatrogenic or am I isolating?

[Nikki]

When feeling overwhelmed by the Neuro-emotions of anxiety and the blues do you just give yourself permission to feel it and keep to yourself?

 

It is kind of what I want to do and I am doing to a degree.  I've always been told to 'reach out' and I do that here.  I just don't feel like socializing or reaching out and talking about the WD stuff again with friends.  They are lovely a helpful, but I just really want to go to work, do what I have to do, focus on my business, come home, take care of things here and read and journal.

 

I see people all day long an no one would ever know how I feel.....

 

Problem is this could go on for a long time and I don't really want to become a recluse.  I am planning a reunion luncheon for some old friends, so I am not a hermit.

 

What do you do?

[Zoe]

I am learning to tell a few close people at work when I'm having a rough day. We don't dwell on it, but it seems to help some. I have found one that has anxiety like I do & we talk about it a bit. I never used to talk about it. I even went about 10 years without mentioning how much trouble I was having. It's much better being able to open up. So thankful for this site also. Hugs to you Nikki.

[GiaK]

I've learned to always respect and take my inclinations very seriously...we know what we need to stay safe and get well...

 

trusting ourselves is very important...and what works for me may not work for you...so ultimately it's about learning to listen to ourselves...

 

sharing with others can help in that we see what it is we resonate with and that is a sort of valuable information...

[Petunia]

When feeling overwhelmed by the Neuro-emotions of anxiety and the blues do you just give yourself permission to feel it and keep to yourself?

 

.... I've always been told to 'reach out' and I do that here.  I just don't feel like socializing or reaching out and talking about the WD stuff again with friends.  They are lovely a helpful, but I just really want to go to work, do what I have to do, focus on my business, come home, take care of things here and read and journal.

 

 

 

Problem is this could go on for a long time and I don't really want to become a recluse. ...

 

What do you do?

 

I completely agree with what GiaK wrote above and there is some science behind it:

 

"In the 1920s, noted psychologist Carl Jung coined the terms "introverted" and "extroverted" in his 1920s work, Psychologische Typen (Psychological Types). In his model, differences between the personalities basically boil down to energy: Extroverted people are energized by social interactions, whereas those same engagements are energetically taxing for introverts. So after attending a party or other social gathering, introverts need time alone to "recharge."

 

Its not quite as simple as that and the rest of the article can be found here, its very interesting reading, and there is a lovely video at the end:

 

http://io9.com/the-science-behind-extroversion-and-introversion-1282059791

 

But basically, it may come down to where your personality naturally sits on the introversion/extroversion continuum as to how beneficial social interaction is for you, when you are already depleted of energy.

 

I'm closer to the introversion end of the bell curve, so when I'm not feeling well (highly symptomatic), my natural inclination is to be alone where the demands of having to be social don't tax my energy reserves any more than they already are.  The majority of the population is more extroverted, I think its about 65%, so most people expect and enjoy higher amounts of social interaction and expect other people to feel the same.  I think pets are good for people on the higher end of the introversion scale, we can have company, without the energy draining demands which come with having to continually stay engaged in conversations and activities which might not be meaningful to us.

 

Complete social isolation isn't good for anyone, its used as punishment in prisons, but that doesn't mean that the more socialization you can get, the better you will be, even though our culture seems to suggest that's true.

 

Its not always best to do what other people tell you to do, they might be telling you what works for them, something different might work better for you.

 

Don't be scared of spending time in your own company Nikki, if that's what your instincts are telling you.

[GiaK]

I wrote a piece about alone time (vs. isolation)...it can be a fine line for sure...

 

but I've certainly needed a lot of alone time...and benefited from it

 

here is the article: 

 

Isolating? Withdrawing? Or do you just need alone time?

http://beyondmeds.com/2012/09/11/isolating-or-alone-time/

[Nikki]

interesting....when I tapered from Lexapro I worked and came home.  I was alone all of the time and didn't realize it until one day I went up to the pool and met my friend/neighbor Barb who introduced me to three ladies and I then realized they hung together and had a nice little group which I then became part of.

 

I don't want to miss out on life like that again and can't seem to pick up the phone.  It is an effort or something like "oh no I have to call someone when I see the voice mail."

 

It has to be the drugs and the anxiety from the drugs that is doing this.....

[Prestorb]

I am really struggling with isolating right now, partly because "not isolating" requires more effort and motivation than I have. I've been this way for more than six months, really withdrawn from family (which are far away, so that is easy) and friends (which I haven't know for terribly long because I've lived here less than 4 years). So it's been easy for me to isolate, but I know it's not healthy and I'm lonely. I have a son and husband, but that is different. I am just having a hard time climbing out of this particular hole. Any one else struggling with this? Any words of wisdom?

[Blackstar]

Not socializing and not talking about your personal WD problems are two different things.  You can still socialize and not talk about those things.  But to answer your question in general.. it varies.  Some people are more okay being by themselves than others.  But on the extreme end of the spectrum, it is not good to be alone all the time and have no contact with any other humans.  So you have to strike some kind of balance. Maybe you just need a bit of time to be alone, but remember that if you isolate youself for too long, you might lose some of those 'friends'.  

[peggy]

i don't know what came first, but i am a lot more isolated now than i was before i had children....I think in part it is due to episodes of depression and also to moving quite a few times. We would move and i would meet people and become social and then i would get an episode of depression which took me out of circulation for 6 months or more - then when i got better i would start socialising again, only to have another episode 3 years later and so i would hibernate again. In the end i remained a lot more reclusive (except for going to work). I think people gave up on me in the end - i think a lot of people just thought i was snobby!  Now I am out of the habit of making friends.  

[LoveandLight]

I seem to like someone's company one day and then have constant critical thoughts and decide I do not like them the next day. Seems like I only consistently like people in WD lol. Seriously though these drugs create that much of a personality change? Still coming to terms with all this.

[Prestorb]

I appreciate your responses. I think my situation is probably similar to Peggy's. Between the moving, the depressive episodes and WD, and being a parent (a single parent for several years), I haven't managed to hang on to many real "friends" over the years. Midlife in general is not an easy time to maintain friendships, with all the responsibility tugging at us from all directions. But I can definitely make more effort to stay in touch with family and the few close friends that I do have. I am more of an introvert anyway, so I do like time to myself. But I am definitely out of the habit of reaching out and being social any more than I absolutely have to and I need to take some baby steps to get back to what is more normal for me. I like the article in the link that GiaK posted above (#5) if you haven't read it. Best wishes to each of you in your journey, I am so thankful for this forum and all the kind people her! Cheers

[ten0275]

i think isolation has gotten a bad rap. it's just my opinion, but in this uber-connected modern age it seems presupposed that if we haven't updated our facebook status, tweeted a photo of our most recent meal out, or done something outwardly social within a 24 hour period, our train must be veering precipitously off the track. and further, we are derailing at the quickest possible speed - train wreck!

in withdrawal, i've tasted anxiety and depression - the intensity of which i have never known, and for which i was thoroughly unprepared. i think this would probably apply to 99.9% of our community here. some stretches have rendered me almost paralytic while others have simply sucked me dry of motivation.

by contemplation-driven choice or sometimes autopilot, i've often discerned that i am not "citizen grade." in these periods, i do my best to stay out of circulation and avoid interaction. in my current state, this happens on rare occasion - once a month if that. during the real heavy hell-fire of withdrawal, i'd go weeks, and occasionally months, at a stretch - all wave long. nights pacing my kitchen, hours alone in front of the stereo, days with my head (and the rest of me) buried beneath the blankets. i lost some long-held friendships, others simply weakened. but i didn't really consider any of it much of a choice. i was going through a process and while i could hope that my social connections would bear with me for the duration, i knew better than to expect it.

to varying degrees, the withdrawal experience fosters antisocial and even agoraphobic tendencies. i think it is important to accept at least some facet of this as part of the fertile environment we must nurture for healing to transpire. when the motivation to engage leads to a social action on our parts, then it is the right time. when we feel held back, then perhaps it isn't the right time. this doesn't mean it is necessarily going to feel good to opt out of socialization. actually, it feels icky and is littered with all sorts of doubts, regrets, and guilt feelings. but working through that kind of stuff has always seemed part of the withdrawal process to me.

and just like the vast majority of symptoms, the derailment of our own personal social A-trains isn't going to stick around for keepsies.

hang in there.

dave

[Prestorb]

Thanks Dave, I think you really hit the nail on the head with that post. And I know that when I feel well, I am not anti-social. But when I don't feel up to "citizen grade", I tend to not want to bother others with my problems and have little tolerance for idle chit chat, so better to stay mostly to myself. It will pass eventually and I just have to remind myself of that, constantly! Thank you for pointing that out. So glad you are starting to feel better too, hang in there and take care... :-)

[JanCarol]

Even before withdrawal, in my womyn's movement stuff:  we called it "caving."

 

Not caving like collapsing, but caving such as "going into the cave for winter" or awhile, to ponder, to heal, to rest. 

 

True friends understand it, and know how to gently lift the hides from the front of the cave to let in some light and ask, "how are you?" then leave you alone.

 

But it takes some effort, too.  The d#m^ phone rings.  Do you answer it?  It's an opportunity.  Are you exhausted after the phone call?  Then let it be so.  Take a rest, back into the cave.

 

The cave is a healthy place - so many societies revere the hermit, the master of the cave, the silent monk.  But few of us have the discipline to live and die without others, and we do need to cultivate others, especially as we age.  You know the deal, "No Man Is An Island."

 

So I look back at my week, and check:  did I have phone contact this week?  Face to face?  Who do I want to see next week?

 

Of course, I have a man (husband) living in my house, which makes it harder to cave - I think this is what keeps me up at night, to have time alone.  But just because he is in the house, eating with me, next to me, doesn't mean we are connecting.  That's another connection I need to work on.  

 

When I lived alone, I allowed "peer pressure" (I had a community of friends) to determine who I would see for dinner or game play, or movies, or whatever.  I almost never watched a movie alone (I'm talking videotapes, here!  That's how long ago it was!).  Now, I cannot do that, because of "hubby time," I need to make sure that "peer pressure" + hubby time = not too much for Jan.  And it is challenging to manage.

 

Thanks for bringing this topic up, Nikki.  It's a thing to think about, to work on, to challenge myself with.

[Tootsieroll]

Seriously, I'm not sure how long I can handle this fear.  There's only so much for another person to hang around till they lose their sense of identity also.  It's as if the trauma is ingrained in my brain and it is not willing to let go.  I'm 4 years

out and this one fear is still the most prominent.  Just today I stepped into a nearby dental office to get an xray without my safe person, yet I can't stay home all day on my own because the fear sets in.  I use to enjoy my time alone as a teen and now I haven't tasted independence in years.  What is happening?  Why do i have this fear still?  Does it go away?

 

My theory is that I may still be apathetic and cannot find interest in my surroundings and therefore I only have this fear to keep me company.  I have lost my curiousity and excitement about things.  

[Tootsieroll]

Thanks Chessie I was looking all over for this.  Where do I find notifications when something is moved?

 

currently i'm dealing with panic in my sleep because of this.  My safe person is away for 4 days.  I self talk myself to doze off and then i'm awaken by cortisol spikes and heart beating really heavily.  My heart is beating so fast, I'm afraid. Only way to cope is if I stay awake and keep moving.  I just want to know that a person can't die from all this heart pumping can they?  Please anyone go through this and survive?  Please encouragement only as I'm really afraid.  God I feel so weak feeling this way.

[ChessieCat]

This might help:  Audio:  First Aid for Panic (4 minutes)

[Tootsieroll]

Thank you Chessie.  I know it will pass but once I calm down, I pick up another wave of heart palps.  Is this common to experience all day and survive it? This isn't a case of 'oh i've calmed down now and i'll go all day without panic'. It's a one after the other type panic.

 

problem is the panic is when i'm about to fall sleep so i'm not even thinking about my problem.  But the underlying problem is with me all day.