Anybody who had been severely depressed prior ADs?

[Zans]

Hey,

 

not sure if it's correct subforum to post, apologies if it's not.

 

A lot of people here seem to aquired ticket to hell for a reasons other than mental illness. Like insomnia, some medical issue or situational anxiety.

 

I wonder about those who been hopelessly depressed prior getting on meds and what happened after tapper? Did your condition changed? I rotated many pills over course of half a year and none did help. Curently the one I am on helps SLIGTHLY but as we all now it's a dead end. 

 

So, please share what changed for you after you taper was over ☺

 

Thank you all

[SouthernFreeze]

I was 17 or 18 when I went on meds, I'm 36 now. I was definitely depressed in the 3 or 4 years leading up to that. I had such high anxiety I couldn't talk to anyone when I went into my classes at school. I could only properly talk to the teacher in private. This obviously ruined any chance of a decent education. I cried a lot and felt suicidal. 

But then, a lot of teenagers are very emotional, also I was bullied, I smoked A LOT of pot and drank whenever I had the chance. So it's hard to say if I was genuinely depressed. 

I know pot had a lot to do with screwing with my brain development, especially with socialising, but then... was i so depressed I was just looking for any kind of escape? I knew when the doctor offered those pills to me i thought it could be the perfect escape. 

I remember sleeping just about all day for about a week after, just glad to be able to sleep. 

When I tappered off and was clean for about a year not so long ago, I got the things I usually get on the meds anyway (anxiety, depression, panic) but it was amplified tenfold. That to me could be my original self before meds, and obviously I never slept much before the meds either.. Maybe. But other symptoms like massive irritability, chronic apathy, deep feeling that everybody's against me, to name a few, I knew were withdrawals. Then again it's been about 17 years so who knows. 

I think that's the hardest thing when you've been on them so long is you can't just stop them and test if your meditation and therapy or whatever have improved your mental health issues, because you won't actually know until years after healing. 

 

[ShiningLight]

On 9/16/2019 at 2:46 AM, SouthernFreeze said:

I was 17 or 18 when I went on meds, I'm 36 now. I was definitely depressed in the 3 or 4 years leading up to that.

 

Similar story, SF. Except I'm about a decade older.

I was severely depressed before I tried the drugs. I feel like I'm a different person now. I have a hard time imagining myself being that depressed without them, but it will be a loooonnng time before I know.

[Cathy4]

I wonder about those who been hopelessly depressed prior getting on meds and what happened after tapper? Did your condition changed? I rotated many pills over course of half a year and none did help. Curently the one I am on helps SLIGTHLY but as we all now it's a dead end. 

 

 

Zans, I don’t know if I did the copy/paste thing correctly, but I wanted to respond to your post.  My answer is YES, YES, YES.  I’ve been on some form of AD for 20 years and what is crazy is that I’ve experienced debilitating depression during these years.  Not once, not twice, but many many times.  I’ve been reading and researching about the efficacy of antidepressants and come to the conclusion that there just isn’t science that supports their effectiveness.  Kelly Brogan, in her book, “A Mind of Your Own,” goes so far as to say that when one feels better while on antidepressants, it could very well be one’s brain overcoming the effects of the antidepressant.  (Hence the AD could be causing or worsening depression).  I believe Peter Breggin has similar views.  
 

I don’t believe my zoloft has ever “worked” for me.  But every time I tried to lower the dosage, my anxiety increased, leading me to believe I needed the medication.  I didn’t know anything about withdrawal or that it even existed during those times.  
Cathy

[Zans]

On Saturday, October 19, 2019 at 1:40 AM, Cathy4 said:

I wonder about those who been hopelessly depressed prior getting on meds and what happened after tapper? Did your condition changed? I rotated many pills over course of half a year and none did help. Curently the one I am on helps SLIGTHLY but as we all now it's a dead end. 

 

 

Zans, I don’t know if I did the copy/paste thing correctly, but I wanted to respond to your post.  My answer is YES, YES, YES.  I’ve been on some form of AD for 20 years and what is crazy is that I’ve experienced debilitating depression during these years.  Not once, not twice, but many many times.  I’ve been reading and researching about the efficacy of antidepressants and come to the conclusion that there just isn’t science that supports their effectiveness.  Kelly Brogan, in her book, “A Mind of Your Own,” goes so far as to say that when one feels better while on antidepressants, it could very well be one’s brain overcoming the effects of the antidepressant.  (Hence the AD could be causing or worsening depression).  I believe Peter Breggin has similar views.  
 

I don’t believe my zoloft has ever “worked” for me.  But every time I tried to lower the dosage, my anxiety increased, leading me to believe I needed the medication.  I didn’t know anything about withdrawal or that it even existed during those times.  
Cathy

Hey,

 

same here. Once I hit severe WD after CT my doctor said that this is depression manifesting itself after being ignored so long. 

 

How are you feeling these days? Is it easier to manage depression/anxiety as you lower your medication dose?

 

Thanks

[Cathy4]

6 hours ago, Zans said:

 

How are you feeling these days? Is it easier to manage depression/anxiety as you lower your medication dose?

Thanks for writing.  It feels like it is not possible to have enough support while going through this.

 

I’m struggling, but I think I’m slowly getting more stable.  When I CT the xanax I became severely paranoid and even hid in the woods for fear of being taken to a hospital.  I see that you have CT’d off of more meds—how did you manage after that?  
 

I’m doing a lot of meditation and walking, both of which sometimes help and sometimes don’t.  I had gotten down to 25mg zoloft (on a too-fast) taper and then all hell broke lose a month later, hence reinstatement.  I almost wish I had just stayed on 25mg and waited it out because I don’t even know if reinstatement has done much.  Who knows.  
 

You are only on Brintellix now?  That’s impressive.  
Cathy

[Zans]

1 hour ago, Cathy4 said:

Thanks for writing.  It feels like it is not possible to have enough support while going through this.

 

I’m struggling, but I think I’m slowly getting more stable.  When I CT the xanax I became severely paranoid and even hid in the woods for fear of being taken to a hospital.  I see that you have CT’d off of more meds—how did you manage after that?  
 

I’m doing a lot of meditation and walking, both of which sometimes help and sometimes don’t.  I had gotten down to 25mg zoloft (on a too-fast) taper and then all hell broke lose a month later, hence reinstatement.  I almost wish I had just stayed on 25mg and waited it out because I don’t even know if reinstatement has done much.  Who knows.  
 

You are only on Brintellix now?  That’s impressive.  
Cathy

I didn't manage at all. In the middle of worst of it I planned to end myself as it was just unexplainably (couldn't even form sentences to explain this turmoil) unbearable. Plus not only did I had strong withdrawals but I also horrible things were happening with my nervous system due to one meditation event. I remember after CT my mother brought me to acupuncture session where accupuncturist just looked at me mentioning to my mother that I am half dead. And then suddenly one day it became better out of nowhere and I cling to that day as a proof that even seemingly hopeless scenarios improves.

 

Yep, I wish I knew stuff also but we're always smart in retrospect right ☺ That's good you're able to move and found this site, as cliche as it sounds we're on the right path. 

 

I'll check your thread, wish you smooth healing!

[Cathy4]

Zans I’m glad you’re still here.  Yes, I had similar plans.  It’s so hard to even begin to describe to people what it’s like.  
 

That day where things shifted all of a sudden for you brings great hope.  Thanks for sharing, and happy healing to you as well.  
 

Cathy

[Raye]

I was 18 when I first went on Luvox and klonopin....

it wasn’t for depression though.. but at the time it was for OCD.. the clinically kind.. and those thoughts were crippling so in a way, I can empathize.

 

My condition initially improved.. however, it was only because of the medicine not from exposure therapy. After doing the work and learning how to relate to my thoughts I relaxed I didn’t need the medicine anymore.

 

In fact now I see that the antidepressants seemed to make my aniexty a lot worse long term. 

 

The only time I was severely depressed was when I had an interaction with my medicine about 6 months ago and couldn’t get out of bed the whole day because my nervous system was so out of wack. There was just darkness and I had considered ending everything. 

 

Long story short... I think that if you're in a dire situation of depression etc.. then it's ok to go on medicine. However it's good to try to deal with things without medicine first if you can because tapering and side effects can just add another thing. And for me at least, it just numbed my problems not solved them.  

[CoolheadLuke]

I was severely depressed before starting Wellbutrin in my mid-twenties.  I think the Wellbutrin, along with therapy, helped me get to a point where I was able to make some positive changes in my life (job/relationship/etc) and I was doing quite well until I decided to try tapering it last year.  

 

I'm currently at 150 mg daily (had been at 300 mg for about 10 years) - my depression has (unsurprisingly) been much worse since the withdrawal started.

[Raye]

On 10/20/2019 at 6:05 PM, CoolheadLuke said:

my depression has (unsurprisingly) been much worse since the withdrawal started

interesting. I had the opposite reaction.. my antidepressant made me worse (long term) but helped with the short term. 

 

did you stop tapering since it made things worse? 

[CoolheadLuke]

On 10/22/2019 at 10:51 PM, Raye said:

interesting. I had the opposite reaction.. my antidepressant made me worse (long term) but helped with the short term. 

 

did you stop tapering since it made things worse? 

 

Yeah, I was tapering way too fast (at the advice of my doctor) before I found this site, so I stopped the taper about 6 months ago.  I also ended up switching from the sustained release to the immediate release version of Wellbutrin, but the IR seems to be giving me a lot more side effects.  I'm planning to restart the taper (at the recommended 10%) in January, when I have some time off of work.

[Raye]

On 10/25/2019 at 11:21 AM, CoolheadLuke said:

 

Yeah, I was tapering way too fast (at the advice of my doctor) before I found this site, so I stopped the taper about 6 months ago.  I also ended up switching from the sustained release to the immediate release version of Wellbutrin, but the IR seems to be giving me a lot more side effects.  I'm planning to restart the taper (at the recommended 10%) in January, when I have some time off of work.

Yea the doctors don’t seem too keen on how to taper.

I hope the tapering goes well for you.  One piece of knowledge I think that is important to note is that if you plan to taper completely the drug is if you ever want to go back on that drug in the future.. it can be a lot harder to withdrawal a second time off of the same drug. I found this out the hard way by going on Luvox a second time then trying to taper off again...   

Just wanted to say this since you said the drug possibly helped you 

[CoolheadLuke]

On 10/28/2019 at 2:10 AM, Raye said:

Yea the doctors don’t seem too keen on how to taper.

I hope the tapering goes well for you.  One piece of knowledge I think that is important to note is that if you plan to taper completely the drug is if you ever want to go back on that drug in the future.. it can be a lot harder to withdrawal a second time off of the same drug. I found this out the hard way by going on Luvox a second time then trying to taper off again...   

Just wanted to say this since you said the drug possibly helped you 

 

That's good information, thanks.  I don't think I'd go back on an AD once I finally (hopefully someday) get off this one, though.

[gardenlady]

I was very depressed prior to taking an AD because of a irreversible situation that has negatively affected my entire life....preventing me from marriage or any healthy intimate relationships.   It happened at age 22 and I'm now 67 and I was never able to come to terms with it despite seeing numerous therapists and taking about it ad infinitum to others.  I started an AD at age 38, but it had no effect so I am now tapering off.  I don't expect to ever recover as I never learned how to live with the consequences of the bad situation.  Now, I am growing old alone, having gone through life alone, and have AD withdrawal to bear on top of that which makes it all exponentially worse.  It's a pretty dismal situation. 

[Frogie]

13 hours ago, gardenlady said:

I was very depressed prior to taking an AD because of a irreversible situation that has negatively affected my entire life....preventing me from marriage or any healthy intimate relationships.   It happened at age 22 and I'm now 67 and I was never able to come to terms with it despite seeing numerous therapists and taking about it ad infinitum to others.  I started an AD at age 38, but it had no effect so I am now tapering off.  I don't expect to ever recover as I never learned how to live with the consequences of the bad situation.  Now, I am growing old alone, having gone through life alone, and have AD withdrawal to bear on top of that which makes it all exponentially worse.  It's a pretty dismal situation. 

I'm sorry to hear you are having a hard time. This tapering and WD just plain su@ks the life out of you.

 

If you were closer I'd give you a hug. But here's a virtual ((((hug)))) for you.

 

Hope it helps just a little.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

[Terry]

13 hours ago, gardenlady said:

I was very depressed prior to taking an AD because of a irreversible situation that has negatively affected my entire life....preventing me from marriage or any healthy intimate relationships.   It happened at age 22 and I'm now 67 and I was never able to come to terms with it despite seeing numerous therapists and taking about it ad infinitum to others.  I started an AD at age 38, but it had no effect so I am now tapering off.  I don't expect to ever recover as I never learned how to live with the consequences of the bad situation.  Now, I am growing old alone, having gone through life alone, and have AD withdrawal to bear on top of that which makes it all exponentially worse.  It's a pretty dismal situation. 

I am so sorry to hear of all you've had to endure.  Do you have a good friend or friends that you can talk with about your situation?  Wish I could be there to offer you a big hug!

[gardenlady]

6 hours ago, Frogie said:

I'm sorry to hear you are having a hard time. This tapering and WD just plain su@ks the life out of you.

 

If you were closer I'd give you a hug. But here's a virtual ((((hug)))) for you.

 

Hope it helps just a little.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

Thanks so much, Frogie.

6 hours ago, Terry said:

I am so sorry to hear of all you've had to endure.  Do you have a good friend or friends that you can talk with about your situation?  Wish I could be there to offer you a big hug!

No.  It's been 45 years now and due to the very private nature of the situation, I can't talk to friends about it.  There was one friend I confided in years ago, but she was at a loss as to what to say or do, so I wish I hadn't told her.  Talking about certain things doesn't help, I've learned.   Thanks, though, for your response. 

[JackieDecides]

On 2/9/2020 at 7:05 PM, gardenlady said:

I don't expect to ever recover as I never learned how to live with the consequences of the bad situation.  Now, I am growing old alone, having gone through life alone, and have AD withdrawal to bear on top of that which makes it all exponentially worse.  It's a pretty dismal situation.

 

you could post about it here, gardenlady, this should feel safe. 

 

I'm sorry, gardenlady, I am basically alone, too, at least I have some friends but don't live near any of them. so I have friends on the phone, on the internet, on facebook - it's not the same as in person! 

 

to answer the original poster: 

 

I was severely depressed as a teenager and in my early 20s, before AD had been invented. I don't remember if I started having anxiety before or after starting on paxil. 

 

but now that I'm off AD I have to wonder, am I DONE with withdrawal and the depression I've been having this winter is just ME?

 

I know I spend all those years taking the pills and not learning other, healthy ways to cope with mood issues and I'm hoping I can learn now.  it's so hard! 

[hypnagogue]

I also had depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues for many years before starting antidepressants. In my case, the drugs made virtually no difference for better or worse except when I tried to get off them, so now I joke that I'm going through "placebo withdrawal." The depression did get worse in the long term, and I'll never know what these last 10 years might have looked like without the medication. Mostly I just feel sad for having wasted so much of my life without improvement, and worried that I'll continue wasting my life after tapering and that it will just keep getting worse for me because I've been given so many chances to fix myself and I just can't.